How to get it going after a first date?

[EngIntoHW]

Hi.

I'm pretty new to the girls' world, especially when dates are involved (I just had a few ones, but it never lasted).

I began talking to a girl a week ago, and tonight we had a lovely first date (it was actually the first time we met).

It a bit scares me as I'm not used to feeling what I'm feeling now (which is what you're feeling after you had a good time with the other gender).
I like her character and her beauty.

Where do I go from here?

Would asking her out for the day after tomorrow be going too fast?

There's also the thing of being afraid of disappointing her in the second date after a wonderful first one.
We mostly talked during the first date over a coffee and a walk in the shopping center, and I'm not sure that just talking would be ok again.

What do you think?

Thanks

 

[Ken Morgan]

Sounds fine by me, go for it.
Talking and getting to know each other is what it is all about, where it happens, a theatre, a movie, a mall is just a side bar. The important thing is to chat openly and honestly getting to know each other, and see what happens…

 

[EngIntoHW]

Hey mate.
Thanks for your comment.

What do you think would be a good idea for a second date?
I meant to say that talking over a coffee again wouldn't feel right.

I'm not sure how far you can go in a second date.

 

[Touch Of Death]

Just a piece of advice. Don't over play the martial arts angle. After a while all they hear is, "Whaa, Whaa, WHAAA WHAAAH!"
Sean

 

[EngIntoHW]

haha.

I'm into Muay Thai, so no whaa whaa from here.

 

[Ken Morgan]

You need to go somewhere light where you guys can nonchalantly chat about things. A movie or the like will divert your attention and hers away from the other person. What does she like to do? Go for a walk in a park, a walk down main street during market day, antique fair, I always like a gallery of some sort. Tonnes of choices.

 

[Aikicomp]

Sounds like you are on the right track. A second date you can really do anything that comes to mind movie, museum, gallery, walk along the beach or in a park and just get to know eachother better....one step at a time. In situations like this speed kills.

I have four girls and the most important thing to remember is treat them with respect and dignity. Open doors, holding doors, letting her go through them first, compliments (not to the point of creepy), offering a helping hand when going up/down stairs, curbs, uneven terrain ect. Little things like that go a long way and show much about your character as a man.

Solw and steady wins the race my friend.

Michael

 

[dosk3n]

Search for an ebook called Magic Bullets. You may even come accross a certain forum that would help.

Dean.

 

[Chris Parker]

(Hmm, I'd probably go for DYD before MB... or just Style's book as an intro....)

Again, not wanting to turn it into quite that kind of forum, I'd like to ask a few questions first if I may. To begin with, your first post and thread here, EngIntoHW, was along similar lines (dating advice), and while that's fine, I'm not sure of how exactly to help you at the moment without getting a bit more information.

Let's start with some basics. You say you're "pretty new to the world of girls", so the first question has to be how old are you? This isn't an accusation, but your age will have an effect on what I will say.

Next, without going into detail at all, what is your history like? Have you had a serious girlfriend before, how long was the relationship, when did it end etc?

Finally, what result do you want the second date to have (and don't get crude here, I mean do you want to get to know her more, get her to know you better, share private time together, go out somewhere to share an experience, end with a handshake, a hug, or a kiss? All of these are different dates, really)?

In the end, my advice is going to be simple. I advise not worrying too much about the what. What you do, where you go, doesn't matter anywhere near as much as how the two of you feel about each other and the experience. I have had big elaborate second dates, and very simple ones. I tend to prefer the simple, and my most common invite is to ask a girl to hang out. Or we might go shopping. Even just for groceries... as someone once said, even that can be an exciting adventure.

So don't overthink it all. Call her when you're ready, and when you want to. And do something that you enjoy that she can share in. Sound good?

 

[girlbug2]

What did you learn about her during your first conversation? Something that the two of you share as a common interest, would suggest what you can do for a date.

For example, I'm a nerd, so I love going to a bookstore and browsing around the stacks. To me that would be an good second date, talking to a guy about the books we are interested in, then going for a cup of coffee.

 

[chaos1551]

So don't overthink it all. Call her when you're ready, and when you want to. And do something that you enjoy that she can share in.

Someone that you end up with will be similar enough to you that being yourself will make it happen in the best way it can. Even if you're cool or a dork.

 

[EngIntoHW]

Again, not wanting to turn it into quite that kind of forum, I'd like to ask a few questions first if I may. To begin with, your first post and thread here, EngIntoHW, was along similar lines (dating advice), and while that's fine, I'm not sure of how exactly to help you at the moment without getting a bit more information.

I believe that consulting with others gives you new ideas and a different perspective on life, and I'd love to share my experiences with the forum members.​

Let's start with some basics. You say you're "pretty new to the world of girls", so the first question has to be how old are you? This isn't an accusation, but your age will have an effect on what I will say.

I'm 23 years old.

Next, without going into detail at all, what is your history like? Have you had a serious girlfriend before, how long was the relationship, when did it end etc?

I've never had a girl friend before.
I just had a couple of first dates in the past year.
Up to now, there was only this girl I talked about in the other thread which I desired and had a "second date" with, however she has a boy friend and I kind of gave up that idea.

Finally, what result do you want the second date to have (and don't get crude here, I mean do you want to get to know her more, get her to know you better, share private time together, go out somewhere to share an experience, end with a handshake, a hug, or a kiss? All of these are different dates, really)?

We had our second date last night, I'll write about it in the next post

In the end, my advice is going to be simple. I advise not worrying too much about the what. What you do, where you go, doesn't matter anywhere near as much as how the two of you feel about each other and the experience. I have had big elaborate second dates, and very simple ones. I tend to prefer the simple, and my most common invite is to ask a girl to hang out. Or we might go shopping. Even just for groceries... as someone once said, even that can be an exciting adventure.

Thanks.
Actually, reading this comment in yesterday afternoon gave a good feeling about asking her out for a second date.

So don't overthink it all. Call her when you're ready, and when you want to. And do something that you enjoy that she can share in. Sound good?

I have this problem with phone calls.
I'm not feeling comfortable with talking to other people over the phone, and I feel the same when it comes to her, at least for now.
So right now we're just talking online.
I'm not sure how to work this issue out.

 

[Chris Parker]

Okay, cool. Just remember that this is a martial arts forum, so it's not going to be geared towards relationship advice, although I am sure you will get a fair bit of very well-meaning advice from a number of members here. Now we'll get to it...

If dosk3n is recommending Magic Bullets then I'm pretty sure he's going to know what I'm talking about here, although I'm really not going to go into too much detail. But there is a certain community which is built around this area of life, and what I asked was essentially the same questions you would get if you were to get involved (boot camps and the like), so it was just to help me get an idea of where you need to go from here.

This community is really incredibly similar to the martial arts one, where there are teachers, information, skills, techniques, philosophies, beliefs, favoured approaches, and more. And like the martial arts community this one has it's infighting (oh, what he teaches doesn't really work, you need to learn this instead...). But really, it's just somewhere to learn about an important area of life (for guys specifically here), just like martial arts (teaching you to deal with the concept of violence). So if you do venture into such a community, look to it with that concept in mind.

Hmm, 23, no real girlfriends, been "Let's-just-be-friends"-ed, shy of talking on the phone.... okay, let's see what we can work with. To begin with, I'm not going to recommend Magic Bullets. It's a very good overview, but without a lot of other grounding it can be a little overwhelming, and tends more towards "technique" than anything else. I'm a firm believer in the concepts of a number of the guys out there (refered to as "gurus" for the most part) which are far less "technique", and more about making you as good as you can be (often an Alpha Man or Alpha Male - one particular guru makes quite a distinction). Instead, I'm going to recommend nothing from the community unless you decide that that is the way you want to go. Not everyone is comfortable with it, just like not everyone wants to study martial arts (and, as we had here for a while last year, not everyone should be exposed to this information!).

You have, frankly, not very much experience. I'm sure you'd agree with that, right? So what does that mean? Well, to begin with, there is no judgement at all, it is just the way things are for you. But the reasons can be important, as there are only a few common things that could be happening. It is always to do with your internal programming, whether from your upbringing or your early experiences (parents conditioning you to have shame or guilt attached, or some early experience that lead to beliefs about your worthiness to have a happy relationship/be attractive to girls, etc, whic leads to behaviours that reinforce that belief). So the thing to do, simply, is to figure out what the old issue is, and fix it! Okay, maybe not so simple.

Today we'll deal with the phone thing.

Your behaviour (being uncomfortable talking to someone on the phone) stems from a value (high or low value placed on the call, yourself, or something else), which comes from a belief (that you are not interesting enough to talk to, that you need your face and body to truly express yourself, so the phone doesn't work, that the other person won't be interested and will hang up, etc.... I just want to point out that these are nothing more than possible examples, not necessarily applying to you, okay?), which in turn developed from experiences (people you wanted to talk to [valued highly] not taking your calls, being misunderstood, being told by your parents early in childhood that you shouldn't use the phone...).

So we first need to figure out why you are experiencing discomfort. Then, there are a few ways to get over it, but I'm going to recommend a training pattern. Call someone every day. You don't need to call the same person, or even talk for long, but get into the habit of calling and speaking on the phone. We'll deal with vocal tone another time, so don't worry about that too much right now, or how you come across. Just get used to talking on the phone, so when you need to call someone, you can.

When it comes to talking online, that can be great! But it is best thought of as a training ground, so you can then take it to the next level with a phone call, and so on. But in all of this, my advice remains constant. Be someone that is interesting, passionate about something important to you, be someone that other people want to be near, because it's a fun interesting place to be! And that all comes from you, all the community helps do is helps you discover what it is about you that is interesting, and helps you find the confidence to express it.

Finally, this is far more than I ever intended to put here about this topic, if you do want to pursue this, or have any questions about it, feel free to PM me, and I'll put you in touch with the first steps. But I must say that I don't know that it's really needed, judging by the smilie face in reference to the second date.... very cool!

All the best in this area.

 

[Cryozombie]

Take her to a strip club. Chicks dig that sorta thing.

 

[SensibleManiac]

Seriously, here goes...

I'm pretty new to the girls' world, especially when dates are involved (I just had a few ones, but it never lasted).

I began talking to a girl a week ago, and tonight we had a lovely first date (it was actually the first time we met).

It a bit scares me as I'm not used to feeling what I'm feeling now (which is what you're feeling after you had a good time with the other gender).
I like her character and her beauty.

Where do I go from here?

I'll lay it to you simply as straight forward.

Never think that just because you're new to it then that's a liability, everyone has to start somewhere...

Be very comfortable with where you're at, and never pretend to be something you're not.
Don't worry about fear and don't let it get to you, (we have nothing to fear but fear itself), think about it what's the worst thing she can do, give you a thai kick and elbow you???

You're a tough guy if you train in Muay Thai so don't forget that.

Don't be afraid to tell her you like her character and beauty, just don't be sappy or chicken about it and keep it short, compliments are best kept short especially early on. Tell her matter of fact-ly like this is how it is, look her in the eye while you say it too. Just don't rub it in. Best time is when she says something that you like, she makes a joke or says something important, tell her with a smile and confidently, (you're funny, and I don't just mean how you look...) you know throw some very light sarcasm in. Have fun with her but not at her expense.

Would asking her out for the day after tomorrow be going too fast?

Take it slow, waiting a few days to a week is best, it shows her that you have other important things in your life and don't lose perspective of that, nothing turns women off faster than a guy who seems desperate or has nothing else going on in his life so make sure she understands that you do.

There's also the thing of being afraid of disappointing her in the second date after a wonderful first one.

Don't worry about impressing her or disappointing her, just look to have a good time for the both of you.
If she's the type of girl that wants to be impressed then move on. I'm sure she is more concerned with getting to know you and having fun than being impressed.
You shouldn't be going out with her to impress her, but to see what kind of person she is and to have a good time with her.
Your whole attitude should revolve around this, not impressing her. The best way to impress her is to be relaxed and have a good time without trying to be phony.
She had a good time with you once so don't worry, she'll have a good time again.

We mostly talked during the first date over a coffee and a walk in the shopping center, and I'm not sure that just talking would be ok again.

What do you think?

The best thing is to do an activity, that always helps to keep things fresh and helps to keep the evening going smoother.

Some ideas, mini putt golf, bowling, playing pool, dancing, salsa dancing lessons, take her to the gym, hold the pads for her, a picnic near the water and play some frizbee or throw around a ball.

Just remember to gaze into her eyes a bit, smile and touch her once and a while, most importantly be at ease, the more nervous you are will only make her nervous as well, when you are calm she'll feel the same. Remember it's easier than sparring in Muay Thai, and if you're doing a physical activity then this will help keep you from being nervous.

As for the phone, just keep it short and you should be fine, tell her you prefer talking in person and aren't much of a phone person.

A very important tip I can give you is to NEVER be afraid of your short comings, everyone has them, (myself included) the more aware and relaxed you are about them the better off you are. Just realize no one is perfect and any girl who expects you to be doesn't deserve your time.

Good luck and have fun.

 

[Cryozombie]

Take it slow, waiting a few days to a week is best, it shows her that you have other important things in your life and don't lose perspective of that, nothing turns women off faster than a guy who seems desperate or has nothing else going on in his life so make sure she understands that you do.

Something I'd add to this too... Take her to a group event... a party, or a night out with a bunch of friends... it shows her that you have friends and are likable guy, and that you aren't just some creep with no life.

 

[EngIntoHW]

Hey, I'm sorry for responding only now, the first few days of the week are very tough and tensed.

Okay, cool. Just remember that this is a martial arts forum, so it's not going to be geared towards relationship advice, although I am sure you will get a fair bit of very well-meaning advice from a number of members here. Now we'll get to it...

Actually, I very appreciate the opinons of martial artists

You have, frankly, not very much experience. I'm sure you'd agree with that, right? So what does that mean? Well, to begin with, there is no judgement at all, it is just the way things are for you. But the reasons can be important, as there are only a few common things that could be happening. It is always to do with your internal programming, whether from your upbringing or your early experiences (parents conditioning you to have shame or guilt attached, or some early experience that lead to beliefs about your worthiness to have a happy relationship/be attractive to girls, etc, whic leads to behaviours that reinforce that belief). So the thing to do, simply, is to figure out what the old issue is, and fix it! Okay, maybe not so simple.

The thing is that since highschool I have no friends.
I'm pretty much a loner, and I'm trying to change it now.

Today we'll deal with the phone thing.

Your behaviour (being uncomfortable talking to someone on the phone) stems from a value (high or low value placed on the call, yourself, or something else), which comes from a belief (that you are not interesting enough to talk to, that you need your face and body to truly express yourself, so the phone doesn't work, that the other person won't be interested and will hang up, etc.... I just want to point out that these are nothing more than possible examples, not necessarily applying to you, okay?), which in turn developed from experiences (people you wanted to talk to [valued highly] not taking your calls, being misunderstood, being told by your parents early in childhood that you shouldn't use the phone...).

I have this problem mostly with people who I feel have expectations of me.
Like, I feel that if I call a girl, she'd expect me to have the conversation flowing, but I don't really have something to say to her besides asking her how was her day and telling her how was mine.

So we first need to figure out why you are experiencing discomfort. Then, there are a few ways to get over it, but I'm going to recommend a training pattern. Call someone every day. You don't need to call the same person, or even talk for long, but get into the habit of calling and speaking on the phone. We'll deal with vocal tone another time, so don't worry about that too much right now, or how you come across. Just get used to talking on the phone, so when you need to call someone, you can.

I do have several phone calls every day, either with family or regarding work.
As I said above, the problem is mostly with girls.
I used to have this problem with people from work who also have expectations of me, but talking to them over the phone so many times solved this issue.

When it comes to talking online, that can be great! But it is best thought of as a training ground, so you can then take it to the next level with a phone call, and so on.

While replying to your post, I'm beginning to understand that the only way to solve this problem is to call her, and even if the first few phone calls aren't going that smoothly, keep doing it.

But in all of this, my advice remains constant. Be someone that is interesting, passionate about something important to you, be someone that other people want to be near, because it's a fun interesting place to be! And that all comes from you, all the community helps do is helps you discover what it is about you that is interesting, and helps you find the confidence to express it.

Its a wonderful advice, thank you.

 

[EngIntoHW]

Be very comfortable with where you're at, and never pretend to be something you're not.
Don't worry about fear and don't let it get to you, (we have nothing to fear but fear itself), think about it what's the worst thing she can do, give you a thai kick and elbow you???

haha, you're so right
You're a tough guy if you train in Muay Thai so don't forget that.

Don't be afraid to tell her you like her character and beauty, just don't be sappy or chicken about it and keep it short, compliments are best kept short especially early on. Tell her matter of fact-ly like this is how it is, look her in the eye while you say it too. Just don't rub it in. Best time is when she says something that you like, she makes a joke or says something important, tell her with a smile and confidently, (you're funny, and I don't just mean how you look...) you know throw some very light sarcasm in. Have fun with her but not at her expense.

Its a great advice, thanks.

Don't worry about impressing her or disappointing her, just look to have a good time for the both of you.
If she's the type of girl that wants to be impressed then move on. I'm sure she is more concerned with getting to know you and having fun than being impressed.
You shouldn't be going out with her to impress her, but to see what kind of person she is and to have a good time with her.
Your whole attitude should revolve around this, not impressing her. The best way to impress her is to be relaxed and have a good time without trying to be phony.
She had a good time with you once so don't worry, she'll have a good time again.

I'll keep that in my mind, it's true, I should look at this as two people wanting to have fun together, without thinking too much of the consequences.

The best thing is to do an activity, that always helps to keep things fresh and helps to keep the evening going smoother.

Some ideas, mini putt golf, bowling, playing pool, dancing, salsa dancing lessons, take her to the gym, hold the pads for her, a picnic near the water and play some frizbee or throw around a ball.

Great ideas

Just remember to gaze into her eyes a bit, smile and touch her once and a while, most importantly be at ease, the more nervous you are will only make her nervous as well, when you are calm she'll feel the same.

So true!! I haven't thought of it that way, it really got into me now.

As for the phone, just keep it short and you should be fine, tell her you prefer talking in person and aren't much of a phone person.

Thanks.

A very important tip I can give you is to NEVER be afraid of your short comings, everyone has them, (myself included) the more aware and relaxed you are about them the better off you are. Just realize no one is perfect and any girl who expects you to be doesn't deserve your time.

Good luck and have fun.

Awesome man.

 

[xJOHNx]

Be a man. Be a gentleman.
Make her feel like the princess she is. That means doing things for her. Don't treat her like a friend, treat her like a princess. Actually all women are princesses, but make her feel extra special.

Give her attention.

Compliment her.

Suprise her. Third date/fourth date, bring a single rose or another flower.

Let her speak, without sounding like a male chauvinistic pig, women do talk more. Also listen to her (don't live in your world when she's talking).

Be there for her, if she feels insecure (which seems to be more and more these days) or has a bad day. Spend extra attention on her. If you go out with your mates/training, send her a text afterwards. Something along the lines of "sleep tight". Don't tell your life story.

Be prepared to be let down or break up with her. Not now, not tomorrow, but someday.

Real love asks for commitment, loyalty and permanent investing.

Best advice ever: don't overthink it, go with the flow.

 

[EngIntoHW]

Hey guys.

Thank you all for your lovely comments.

It's going nice so far and I'm really thankful for that.

As it's very new to me, not just going out with a girl, but being in any kind of a relationship with someone, it sometimes makes me feel weird.

To deal with that, I'm telling myself that we're just two people who want to hang out together and it helps me.