Am I Dealing With a Reduced Dating Pool?

[Xue Sheng]

This will likely get me into more trouble than it is worth but here goes.

Just as a note…what any of us think about this is pretty much pointless since attraction is based on personal preference and that would then mean LoneRider’s personal preference not mine or anyone else’s and none of us have to live by what LoneRider’s personal preferences are either. All we have to do is except responsibility for our actions (and or questions asked or statements made) and live with them….. that of course would include LoneRider.

 

[Sukerkin]

I can't see why stating that should get you into trouble, Xue. It's plainly a succinct annunciation of a truism of that aspect of all our lives.

 

[zDom]

Oh, I do feel so justified. If someone has an aversion to obesity, that is a personal choice, and entirely their own to make. It doesn't make them a bad person, but it does make them shallow.

An aversion to obesity isn't a choice. Nature vs. nuture is an argument for another thread, but I don't think either Lone or I decided to find obese women unattractive. I envy those who find them attractive as in the U.S they certainly have a larger dating pool.

FWIW, I also have an aversion to women who are TOO SKINNY (i.e., the runway model look). Consequently, the number of women I find attractive is probably even smaller that Lone.

But here is the important part: having a clear idea of what I find attractive and carefully considering that when deciding to date or not date someone is NOT "shallow" no matter how many times you say it is. It is responsible and kind. Why lead someone on when I know I will not be happy with them in the long term?

Someone who ONLY looks at physical attractiveness without considering the many other factors that make someone suitable or not for them may very well be shallow and/or superficial. (But I would not presume to make that judgment based on that one bit of information ...)

For me, whether or not a gal is attractive or not is only one of many considerations.

You can repeat ad nauseum that because I consider physical beauty a significant factor, that I am shallow and believe it with all your heart — but you are wrong. I have significant depth of character and am introspective enough to weigh my preferences and consider how they may affect future happiness.

You, on the other hand Bill, are judging my character based on ONE trait: aversion to obesity. Sounds pretty shallow to me. Doesn't make you a bad person, however: just shallow and judgmental.

FWIW, I didn't think I was twisting your words at all. Pardon me if I unintentionlly did so.

I agree "There is a distinct difference between liking a 'hot body' and making that property a top criteria for dating."

Again, it isn't a top priority for me: just one of many important considerations.

As for the OP, as long as he realizes that being picky means he may end up waiting longer before finding someone he likes, I support his decision. Much better than being in an unhappy relationship.

I hope Lone has the depth of character to realize that there are many other traits to consider in making a choice for future happiness (of both him and his mate) and doesn't make his choice solely on looks.

Then again, if he truly is as shallow as you think, the other considerations probably wouldn't matter enough to bother him anyway

 

[LoneRider]

As I stated at the very first post attractiveness, intellect, and personality all factor equally into whether I will be attracted to someone and for future happiness.

I've known plenty of individuals who have intellect and personality but because of obesity I refused to date them. I have enough depth of character to recognize that trait but obesity of these individuals was just unattractive and unappealing. I couldn't date them.

I realize I'm probably due in for a long wait because of my standards but I'd rather not make myself unhappy by 'settling' just because of loneliness.

I don't say looks are primary importance. I recognize there are other important traits but if I can't look at her the initial attraction cannot take place. Looks will fade with importance in future relationships as time goes on but as far as initial phase of attraction they do matter.

 

[blindsage]

So, why are you here asking this question? A lot of people have responded but you don't seem to have taken anything from any of the critical responses, but seem to take solace from the strictly supportive ones. Did you really have a question, or did you come here to get reinforced in what you already believe?

I said it before, and I repeat it here for you. If you say you find all three of those elements you mentioned of equal importance, but looks trump everytime on intial attraction, you are stating an oxymoron. You DO put looks ahead of the other two factors, period. And what most people are stating on here, including I believe zDom, is that you need to set a PRIORITY on the other things, even while physical attractiveness remains a factor. If you aren't attracted to larger women, ok fine, but YOU are the one who has made it a big deal on here either way, others are just reacting to what you have said. YOU are the one who keeps coming back to how you just aren't attracted to certain people, and physical attraction matters. Then you claim it's of equal importance to the other factors. But YOU are not demonstrating this in your posts. If it's of equal, not higher, importance to the other factors then your posts might reflect that, as it is, they don't.

 

[KELLYG]

I do not understand why the op is complaining about his reduction in the dating pool. He, himself and no one else is the one responsible. I think as was stated by others that if you confine yourself to such a small section of potential dates you are going to be setting home, dateless a lot. I also feel as other posters have said before, in trying to help the op, were telling him to broaden his horizons.

A quote from from the Stones says it perfectly:

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well you might find
You get what you need

 

[Xue Sheng]

Wait I’m Caucasian (rather Germanic looking actually), but I am by far much more comfortable around East Asians than I am Caucasians.

I tend to like tea over coffee.

I choose to train Chinese Martial Arts over western boxing

I am not a big fan of pop music

I don’t like McDonald’s food

I don’t like tiny little cars

I do like apples better than bananas

I have my own definition of what is attractive to me that likely does not jive with everyone else

I don’t like fruit loops

I am not a big fan of modern art

I like Baroque composers over modern composers

I can’t stand Shrimp Cocktail

I play the Didgeridoo

I don't like trombone music

So therefore I imagine one could now call me shallow based on anyone of those…it would be absolutely meaningless but they can call me shallow if they so choose.

And likely this could get me in trouble here too.

 

[Xue Sheng]

As to the reduced dating pool…there is noting reduced about it. It is only reduced due to the standards that the OP places upon it and possibly geographic location. So my only other advice is except and deal with your standards and quit complaining about it and quit defending your standards if in fact you are comfortable with said standards.

 

[JadecloudAlchemist]

This is good advice:

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he marries her then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart

But if you make an ugly woman your wife
you'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks meals on time
And she'll always give you peace of mind

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Sax solo

Don't let your friends say you have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly, her eyes don't match
Take it from me, she's a better catch

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Spoken:
Say man!
Hey baby!
I saw your wife the other day!
Yeah?
Yeah, an' she's ug-leeee!
Yeah, she's ugly, but she sure can cook, baby!
Yeah, alright!

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you