Am I Dealing With a Reduced Dating Pool?
- Thread starter LoneRider
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Omar B
Senior Master
I get ya man. After all, nobody ever looked at a chick across the room and said "check out the personality on that one." Physical beauty (however you may interpret it) is important, we don't hit on those we find undesirable, we hit on what we find attractive and see if they fit in the rest of the criteria (intelligence, humor, atheism).
thecrow
Yellow Belt
i once thought as you do, and you no what i was alone, that is what that kind of thinking produces, i can see the ethnic part of it as there are some women i am just not attracted too, i can't help it, it's not the looks i'm not sure what it is but i know how i feel, when i stopped going by looks, i found my finance, and i am attracted to her a great deal, in the past i mite not have given her a chance, but i was a ******* in the past,(mainly cause i got my heart broken, but i was) get to know women be friends with them and stop worrying about looks, i bet one of your friends becomes your wife and you will be attracted to her because you love her, that is the funny thing about love. goodluck
thecrow
Yellow Belt
oh and lay off the ugly women and over weight women this and that, please, it's starting to piss me off and some women could be reading and get there feelings hurt, besides who"s says your a 10, here is food for thought, maybe some women see you as you see overweight women, or what you would call ugly women. just a thought
Imagine finding the woman of your dreams, and she finds you perfect - except you're not attractive enough to her. What a shame, eh?
Interesting. No one has said you're 'wrong' for believing what you believe. The most I've said is that you're unlikely to find long-term happiness due to it.
No one has called you a loser, a low-life, scum of the earth, or a bad person. But you keep bringing it up - why?
I suspect maybe you think you're wrong because of that. Just food for thought.
If you actually think your values are the ones you ought to have, then good for you. But I suspect in that case you've answered your own question - yes, you're dealing with a reduced dating pool, of your own making, and there you go.
Clint Franklin
Yellow Belt
I think the point everyone is trying to get across is that you are placing an artificial wall between yourself and what you are after. I know that the criteria with which you judge a woman are firm for you, but you might consider what is most important to you, rather than everything that is important to you.
Try this exercise:
Make a list of everything you want in a partner. Get specific, including (for attractiveness) facial looks, body shape, hair color, breast size, that sort of thing. Then add in the personality traits (e.g. religious/political opinions, determination) and intellectual traits (wit, wisdom, potential) you look for. Put them into one big list. Then, start ordering them from #1 (most important) to #20 (least important). If your list is bigger than that, then discard any other options at your leisure.
Take your list, commit it to memory, and look for people who fit those criteria. After a certain time, if you still haven't found someone, take the least important item in your list off. Keep whittling through the list until you start finding dates more often.
This way, I think you'll learn more about yourself. You might eventually find that those things that you took off your list that you held so important are more trivial than you would have liked to believe. And - who knows - you might end up finding someone you wouldn't have considered dating before, and realize that she's perfect for you.
Xue Sheng
All weight is underside
I found a woman (Caucasian) and settled for what I thought was best...... 8 years of unhappiness later we divorced.
I then decided I would look for the woman of my dreams.... and guess what... I found her (Caucasian)....5 years of hell later I decided it wasn't worth it.
3 years later the right one walked in when I wasn’t looking..... and she is to me rather beautiful and petite….. and not Caucasian... 5 years and counting and still happy.
None of this matters by the way because what is right for me is not necessarily right for someone else and what you think is beautiful another person may not. It is a matter of personal preference
Patience young Skywalker, it will all workout just fine
I then decided I would look for the woman of my dreams.... and guess what... I found her (Caucasian)....5 years of hell later I decided it wasn't worth it.
3 years later the right one walked in when I wasn’t looking..... and she is to me rather beautiful and petite….. and not Caucasian... 5 years and counting and still happy.
None of this matters by the way because what is right for me is not necessarily right for someone else and what you think is beautiful another person may not. It is a matter of personal preference
Patience young Skywalker, it will all workout just fine
Simple exercise. Imagine you're blind. Now tell me how much it matters what a woman looks like that you cannot see. That's how important looks are. You close your eyes, you cannot tell what anyone looks like.
And I'm not criticizing you. I'm suggesting that you are correct when you way you are dealing with a reduced dating pool, and you created that pool, so don't be surprised.
thecrow
Yellow Belt
alright, now you are coming a cross as a guy looking for sex first thing my wife said, and that is what women see, so what are you looking for a woman or sex? you can be honest with us because i think there are all guys in this thread and if not you have probably blown it with any woman who reads this thread.
so what is it, sex or relationship?
so what is it, sex or relationship?
There has to be a physical attractiveness between two people for a lover relationship to start. You can be friends only and then months or years later you realize that you find the person attractive to you. Then the lover relationship can kick in.
Look for what you want to look for. YouĀre unique, just like everyone else, you have your own standards, your own likes and dislikes. ItĀs your life, do what you have to, to bring happiness into your life.
As for sex? DonĀt kid yourself, women want to date and have sex in a worse way then any guy.
Look for what you want to look for. YouĀre unique, just like everyone else, you have your own standards, your own likes and dislikes. ItĀs your life, do what you have to, to bring happiness into your life.
As for sex? DonĀt kid yourself, women want to date and have sex in a worse way then any guy.
Bruno@MT
Senior Master
When I met my wife, it was love at first sight for both of us. And I think she is very beautiful. Should I have felt wrong about that? Should I have felt guilt that I fell in love with a woman I think is beautiful?
Now, I agree that one shouldn't discard a partner because he/she is not a fashion model or cheerleader. Otoh if there are traits that you really cannot live with, that doesn't make you necessarily shallow. For example, dating a chain smoker would put me off. Or an alcoholic.
However, it is true that the most important thing to be able to live together is if you are on the same page on the things that matter. Before I started living together with my then-girlfriend-now-wife, I made sure we were on the same page about having kids, how to raise them, and about what we expect from life and how we deal with finances etc.
A disagreement about the color of the curtains is not a dealbreaker, but kids or no kids is as fundamental as it gets, and if you're not on the same page, one of you is going to be miserable in the long run.
Being able to depend on one another and knowing that you can trust the other person to take care of things and that you are both working towards the same goal... That is what makes relationships last.
Now, I agree that one shouldn't discard a partner because he/she is not a fashion model or cheerleader. Otoh if there are traits that you really cannot live with, that doesn't make you necessarily shallow. For example, dating a chain smoker would put me off. Or an alcoholic.
However, it is true that the most important thing to be able to live together is if you are on the same page on the things that matter. Before I started living together with my then-girlfriend-now-wife, I made sure we were on the same page about having kids, how to raise them, and about what we expect from life and how we deal with finances etc.
A disagreement about the color of the curtains is not a dealbreaker, but kids or no kids is as fundamental as it gets, and if you're not on the same page, one of you is going to be miserable in the long run.
Being able to depend on one another and knowing that you can trust the other person to take care of things and that you are both working towards the same goal... That is what makes relationships last.
I used to think there was some magic secret to meeting women, and I just didnt "get it". I felt like there was no one, no place, no how...
My roommate on the other hand considered himself king pimp, who knew all these dating secrets and was trying to get me to learn them, and follow his program, and get me to hang with his "wingmen" and I kept refusing, thinking it was all very silly...
And then somthing bizzare happened, and I realized the "secret" wasn't really... and we go out and girls talk to me, and I talk to them, and open dialog, and he gets ignored... to the point where I make it my goal to bring girls over so he can meet them, and he won't because they seem more interested in me... and I gotta tell ya... He's thin, with a better fashion sense than me, and he definatley makes more money... Im always broke, a little on the heavy end, and its unusual for me to wear anything but black jeans and a black t shirt...
And, while I can't explain what I do exactly, I'll tell you, it's NOT about going and approching and hitting on women, as much as it is about being relaxed, confident, easygoing, and looking like I am having fun... people will come talk to me when I do that. There's more too, of course, but if you can get that part working for you you get 75% of the battle done.
Granted, I met the girl Im seeing now Online, but that was because she approched me, (My profile is extermely tounge-in-cheek and it works for some reason) I tried to set her up with my friends, and we wound up hitting it off instead...
My roommate on the other hand considered himself king pimp, who knew all these dating secrets and was trying to get me to learn them, and follow his program, and get me to hang with his "wingmen" and I kept refusing, thinking it was all very silly...
And then somthing bizzare happened, and I realized the "secret" wasn't really... and we go out and girls talk to me, and I talk to them, and open dialog, and he gets ignored... to the point where I make it my goal to bring girls over so he can meet them, and he won't because they seem more interested in me... and I gotta tell ya... He's thin, with a better fashion sense than me, and he definatley makes more money... Im always broke, a little on the heavy end, and its unusual for me to wear anything but black jeans and a black t shirt...
And, while I can't explain what I do exactly, I'll tell you, it's NOT about going and approching and hitting on women, as much as it is about being relaxed, confident, easygoing, and looking like I am having fun... people will come talk to me when I do that. There's more too, of course, but if you can get that part working for you you get 75% of the battle done.
Granted, I met the girl Im seeing now Online, but that was because she approched me, (My profile is extermely tounge-in-cheek and it works for some reason) I tried to set her up with my friends, and we wound up hitting it off instead...
Bruno@MT
Senior Master
That's it. I was unlucky for a long time, until I finally figured out -myself-.
That part was hard. Once I was there, however, I realized that there are no big secrets. Sure, there are some things that help make a date go right, but that is icing on the cake. Figuring out it was me who was holding me back (and how / why) was the major part.
I can really remember the moment I figured it out. It was kinda like one of those 3D images that you can look at for a long time without seeing anything. And then suddenly, something clicks and you are looking at the statue of liberty.
Once I understood myself, my life sorted itself out.
I am happy to hear that other men had the same experience that I did i.e. that I finally 'clicked' with the right woman for me when I wasn't looking! Indeed, she asked me (via a friend as is often the way) if I wanted to take our relationship a step along the road from the friendship it had been for a decade.
Being yourself is the key, rather than being a glammed up version of yourself on the 'hunt'. Indeed, I have often said of myself that I have never chatted a woman up in my life - I talked to them, yes, because I was sitting next to them, or danced with them or whatever but never with the intent of getting them to sleep with me. The result of that attitude is that I only recall asking a lass out once in my life (and she said no :lol: ) but got invited quite a bit.
I think women can sense that air of a man 'on the pull' and many of them do not care for it. Similarly, I think they can tell if they are being sized up against a 'check list' (any of our lady members care to confirm or deny this?).
Anyhow, wandering off beam here, my apologies (it's my dinner hour so I'm typing and thinking fast
).
Being yourself is the key, rather than being a glammed up version of yourself on the 'hunt'. Indeed, I have often said of myself that I have never chatted a woman up in my life - I talked to them, yes, because I was sitting next to them, or danced with them or whatever but never with the intent of getting them to sleep with me. The result of that attitude is that I only recall asking a lass out once in my life (and she said no :lol: ) but got invited quite a bit.
I think women can sense that air of a man 'on the pull' and many of them do not care for it. Similarly, I think they can tell if they are being sized up against a 'check list' (any of our lady members care to confirm or deny this?).
Anyhow, wandering off beam here, my apologies (it's my dinner hour so I'm typing and thinking fast
).Everybody's working with a reduced dating pool. The first thing you did was cut the human population in half by being heterosexual. There's your largest reduction out of the way, and you didn't even choose it for yourself. Next, you want a white woman, which is another large chunk of the population gone. You want her to be "fit" by YOUR definition of fit, which includes a low body fat percentage. My definition of "fit" is "able to hike up Mount Fuji with me without passing out because she starves herself half to death," but that's me. Whatever. You want a woman to be kind and compassionate, which is very stereotypical, possibly not entirely true, and something you're going to get a reasonable facsimile of from almost any woman. You want intelligence though, and that's another thing you'll have to define for yourself and whether you're looking for HIGH intelligence or just OPTIMUM intelligence for you, which if you're like most men would be close to, but slightly below your own. You also want a certain level of beauty. You say you don't want a supermodel, you want a girl-next-door type, but I suspect that what you're really doing is just saying that the supermodel type isn't what floats your boat. If it were up to you, girl-next-door types would be the supermodels. That's a pretty small set you're left with.
Now, here are the criteria that also exist that you didn't articulate:
The woman must be within a certain age range. If she's 15 nobody's going to be okay with that, and if she's 50 I'm betting you're not going to be okay with it. I'm guessing you're looking for a woman in the 19-30 year old age range if I remember your age correctly from the OP. She has to be into Filipino guys, or oblivious to race entirely. You're more likely to find the latter than the former, but it's not that far-fetched. She also has to be pretty physically close to you. Your ideal woman might live in North Dakota while you live in Washington and she might as well not exist at all.
With all these criteria in place, especially if you're not going to be in a HUGE urban area or a setting (like the military, luckily) which bottlenecks people into your criteria (fitness and age standards), you're going to be pretty lucky to find such a woman at all.
That's my discouragement for you. My encouragement goes like this: Try Anyway. You don't owe it to anybody to settle or accept unhappiness or dissatisfaction with your life just because your standards are exacting. I hope everybody on this thread is wrong and you're back next week with scans of your wedding invitations. Good luck.
Now, here are the criteria that also exist that you didn't articulate:
The woman must be within a certain age range. If she's 15 nobody's going to be okay with that, and if she's 50 I'm betting you're not going to be okay with it. I'm guessing you're looking for a woman in the 19-30 year old age range if I remember your age correctly from the OP. She has to be into Filipino guys, or oblivious to race entirely. You're more likely to find the latter than the former, but it's not that far-fetched. She also has to be pretty physically close to you. Your ideal woman might live in North Dakota while you live in Washington and she might as well not exist at all.
With all these criteria in place, especially if you're not going to be in a HUGE urban area or a setting (like the military, luckily) which bottlenecks people into your criteria (fitness and age standards), you're going to be pretty lucky to find such a woman at all.
That's my discouragement for you. My encouragement goes like this: Try Anyway. You don't owe it to anybody to settle or accept unhappiness or dissatisfaction with your life just because your standards are exacting. I hope everybody on this thread is wrong and you're back next week with scans of your wedding invitations. Good luck.
OP
OP
LoneRider
Purple Belt
I would say relationship. I can't go for one night stands when it comes to sex. I just can't. Or even having a casual hook up buddy or something. No way.
I agree with Ken Morgan: it starts with physical attraction first and it progresses from there. I just happen to be into Caucasian brunettes that are both kind and intelligent. Am I bad because of that? Just because I find fat unattractive or unappealing?
And if I'm already seriously involved with someone looks will start to matter less because I'll find something else that keeps me around because I know looks aren't permanent.
Actually in the age range I'd say between 23-30 but close enough.
I'm going to try. It gets discouraging at times but I don't wanna settle for some fat chick because she's the only date I can find. Call me shallow but I won't recant the fact that I find overweight females to be unattractive.
The blindness exercise only works so far. I can hear if her voice is part of the ethnicity I refuse to date, I can feel the fat on her body if I touch her in any way and discover if she is overweight.
She can have all the personality and intellect in the world but if she's overweight I won't approach her. Simple as that. And yes I know I am dealing with a reduced pool of dates here but I will stick to my guns.
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Then I fail to understand what your complaint is. You know what your choices result in, and you're right. You're willing to accept that. So why are you posting?
