Helping Students Deal With Bullying

[oftheherd1]

Unfortunately, this same lack of confidence caused Johnny to quit sparring classes; he felt overwhelmed and like he was getting "beat up" all the time. But, yes, I can definitely see other areas where he has grown that I can point out to him. Thank you!

Johnny is eleven. One other thing I neglected to mention is that he was being bullied all last year and didn't tell anyone about it. He then reacted quite violently one day after the bully gave him a bloody nose and a black eye, and got in major trouble because of it. This year, however, he's in a different school, without that past history, and his teacher and the administration know what is going on.

What are the details of the fight he got in with the bully? There may be something there that would help in helping Johnny.

 

[Steve]

If you look here... Top Ten Facts about Low Self Esteem it dispels some myths about self esteem, including the one about bullying coming from people with low self esteem. Simply telling people they are 'great' etc doesn't work, but how you treat people does.

"Contrary to popular opinion, people with low self-esteem tend to be very sure of themselves. That's the problem. This manifests in their conviction that they are worthless or inadequate. As you will know if you have ever tried to argue with someone who puts themselves down continually, it is very hard to do! When someone with low self esteem starts to become less sure of their own opinion of themselves and therefore begins to assess counter evidence regarding their worthlessness, their self image begins to become more healthy. At first the "ugly" duckling was certain it was a failed duck but that misdirected certainty had to loosen before its true life direction could become clear.

Good self esteem is actually a by-product of living in a healthy way. So rather than trying to raise it directly it's easier to focus elsewhere (such on what a person does) and let self esteem rise as a happy side effect of a change in living. "

"For anyone to be psychologically and physically healthy then core needs have to be fulfilled. Being clear about what you need and making efforts to meet those needs constructively means you'll naturally have better self esteem as a by-product of living well.

This is useful list of basic human needs:

1. The need to give and receive attention
2. The need to look after your body.
3. The need for meaning, purpose and goals.
4. The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves
5. The need for creativity and stimulation
6. The need for intimacy and connection to others.
7. The need for a sense of control
8. The need for a sense of status and recognition from others.
9. The need for a sense of safety and security.

Of course, it is likely that at any one time, one or more of these may be slightly lacking in your life, without dire consequences. However, in the long-term, they must all be catered for one way or another."

As martial arts instructors we can certainly help with several of those.

Are we accepting as fact a top ten list from a random website trying to sell a product that references as source material the author's other websites?

Danger, Will Robinson.

 

[Buka]

There's always been little Johnnies in life, and there's always been bullies. Every situation is different, yet, they are all the same.

I was bullied a bit as a kid, not as much as some, but enough. The one advantage of being bullied is that it gives you a sort of natural radar about who bullies are, even if they're closet bullies. Going forward, that can come in handy.

I've worked in public schools, in youth detention facilities, in gyms, been teaching Martial Arts for ages, worked with a lot of kids, worked with a lot of bullies, too, both child bullies and adult ones, and both male bullies and female bullies. As I look at the clock on the corner of my laptop - I dealt with a bully less than twelve hours ago at work. Not an unruly person, an honest to God bully. There's bullies everywhere, all different kinds of bullies, you may even find them on forums sometimes.

Maybe not all Martial Training deals with being bullied, maybe not all Martial training deals with self esteem and confidence, I've always been thankful that mine does. It may not be easy, but what in life is?
One of the things I always stayed aware of is making sure that when a child learns how to deal with bullies, he doesn't become one himself. Seen that happen, too.

I'm heading out now, travelling thousands of miles in a few days, got a lot of stuff to do. If this conversation is still going on, I'd like to get back to it later.

And, yes, there is no guarantee that Martial Arts classes will provide the ability to defend oneself - but nine out of ten ain't bad.

 

[Buka]

Are we accepting as fact a top ten list from a random website trying to sell a product that references as source material the author's other websites?

Danger, Will Robinson.

"Danger, Will Robinson". - That was awesome.

 

[Tez3]

Tez i really respect you and i will admit not every case needs counselling and your point of view is valid ... but in many cases there is a root cause for low self esteem. it could be poor parenting, poor teachers, sexual or physical abuse, ADD or some other underlying cause. Oprah had low self esteem and weight issues. she couldnt address the weight until she addressed the psychological issues of her sexual abuse. in MA classes just treating the students with respect will not help in these cases.

It's clear you haven't understood me. I will reiterate. Yes, in many cases there is a root cause for the lack of self esteem but as martial arts instructors this is not our concern. This is because we do what we do, we don't do what is someone else's professional job. We help by doing our bit ie treating people with respect and the same as other students etc. As I said before and you have ignored, we do our job well and it's part of the solution it's not the solution. People do not come to martial arts classes looking for a total reversal of a psychological lack of self esteem. What they do though is send children who aren't as self confident as they could be and whose self esteem may be low but not have a deep psychological basis. They may also come to help themselves.

You read far too much into what I say believing something I haven't said. Martial arts can and does raise self esteem in the way I have described, it doesn't heal deep seated mental health problems though it can be a small part of the help.

my litmus test for MA instructors who promote their school with the marketing of "building self esteeem" is ..
Name 5 policies or curriculum strategies that you implemented to specifically address self confidence and esteem.

They don't need to have policies or strategies, they just need to do their job ie instructing well. It doesn't have to be martial arts, it can be any sport or activity.

The link I posted from Mark Tyrrell has a lot more links about self confidence and self esteem, he is a well known therapist who is a colleague of a good friend ( and former world kick boxing champion) of mine who also practices as a therapist and hypnotherapist. I've met him, he's knowledgeable and as importantly sensible.

 

[hoshin1600]

the issue of bullying (in my region) seems to be a hot topic and has been for some time. being a liberal state (Massachusetts) there is an ever growing political/ cultural distaste for violence and aggression. aggression of and in any form is viewed as inappropriate (unless your ANTIFA....ooops was that outloud) infact there is an entire anti-male climate going on....(not making a political statement on this but its important to my point) that being said MA schools cannot promote the self defense aspects that they once did. no one here wants to hear that you can help little Johnny fight. thats a taboo. aggression is BAD!!! fighting is BAD,, even in self defense. so from my perspective MA schools have turned to marketing the "confidence &self esteem" its become an over used catch phrase. it is the number one GO TO for the child market.
for me this is no different than marketing MA to adults saying "we teach self defense for (for women too)" when in actually your curriculum shows otherwise. in many cases they do live up to the claims but in a major way many do not.
my over all issue is dont say you teach self defense if you are not teaching a curriculum that has that designed into it and dont say your school gives self esteem if your curriculum and policies dont have that designed into it.

 

[hoshin1600]

You read far too much into what I say believing something I haven't said.

my apologies. it wasnt my intention.

I will reiterate. Yes, in many cases there is a root cause for the lack of self esteem but as martial arts instructors this is not our concern. This is because we do what we do, we don't do what is someone else's professional job. We help by doing our bit ie treating people with respect and the same as other students

YES, full agreement.

 

[Tez3]

(unless your ANTIFA....ooops was that outloud

You know that all that stands for is anti facist, which all sane people are. Politics aren't allowed on here which is where you seem to be coming from on the whole subject. I don't know what your particular political climate is and it has frankly nothing to do with anything I've posted.

You seem to think self esteem is something you can hand to people or even take away form them rather than something that will grow in a place where it is encouraged which is what martial arts classes should be like. It doesn't need curriculums nor strategies to 'teach' people how to have it, as I said it will grow given the right conditions, ie being treated fairly and respectfully, being able to progress in your chosen martial art ( or sport/activity) and to see progress. People with mental health problems can benefit from physical activity while being treated by professionals. We are martial arts instructors not mental health professionals so we do our bit as I said and leave the rest to the appropriate people. For smaller issues well run classes and proper instruction will certain have more benefits than just being able to kick or punch.

 

[hoshin1600]

Politics aren't allowed on here which is where you seem to be coming from on the whole subject.

actually politics has nothing to do with anything i have said except current marketing strategies.

i am not really against your own words or post.

to be clear i am not actually arguing with you, although it might appear that way. i was/ am more just using your links to juxtapost my own thoughts on the subject.

Tez, again i am not in disagreement with you

Tez i really respect you and i will admit not every case needs counselling and your point of view is valid

my apologies. it wasnt my intention.

well at this point i am at a loss as to what to say. in every post i made i tried to point out i do not disagree with you or you were not quoted or referenced at all in the post. but somehow you are still disagreeing with me on a multitude of points.

I think you missed the points I was making

I'm thinking you didn't read either all or you read the wrong bit.

I think you need to take that up with @andyjeffries

You seem to be focussed on something I'm not and determined to make an argument

please address your comments to him.

I think your pessimistic view is just that

Speak for yourself.

It's clear you haven't understood me.

Politics aren't allowed on here which is where you seem to be coming from on the whole subject.

i seem to have disagreeable posts today...so with that...if i continue posting on this subject ,, they are in no way a response to anything Tez has posted.

 

[drop bear]

Speak for yourself.



Do we? Perhaps some you know do but most I know don't. They do actually know how to promote it because frankly it's not rocket science. We teach our own children after all, at least most of us do. It's far simpler than you think. It means treating people with respect, kindness and in a civilised manner. You accept people for who and what they are, you don't bully, hector or belittle them, you treat them as you would want to be treated. This goes a long way to building up how people think about themselves. When someone sees others treating them with respect they first wonder why but often as other's opinions mean more than their own they will accept that if they are being treated that way they must be worth it ( the obverse is true, treat someone badly enough for long enough they will think they are worthless, often found in domestic abuse). Thinking they are worthwhile becomes their own thoughts after a while.

I think in some societies there is a dependence on 'counselling' and therapy, that you need to be a therapist to be able to make people feel better. for mental health issues one needs professional help but it doesn't mean that we have to stand back and think our contribution is pointless. People with 'low self esteem' often feel worthless, it's is very easy for us if we are decent people to treat them as they should be treated... as valued students worth teaching and being in class with. Raised self esteem comes from that, it's not chance and it's not quantifiable, we do know however it happens when we teach properly.

No, I've never had low self esteem nor lack of confidence, quite simply because of the way I was brought up.

Martial arts instructors don't have to do anything 'special' to raise self esteem, just what we should be doing anyway. It's not a specialist subject, it's treating people properly. For most people with low self esteem they can't be 'given' it but will discover it for themselves by being treated as a worthwhile human being and by succeeding in projects such as learning martial arts.

But no evidence that you are raising self esteem in any reasonable way?

 

[Tez3]

But no evidence that you are raising self esteem in any reasonable way?

Well you can see for yourself how your students are feeling, they tend to stand up straighter, they speak more positively, feel less inhibited about coming out in front of the class to do a solo kata and they go on to teach lower grade students. I'm not in the business of providing proof for mental health issues, but I do notice when students gain more confidence and the subsequent rise in self esteem. It can be small things that take your notice, a better 'hairdo' and a touch of make up for the girls, more willingness to look the instructor in the eyes and actually smile as you throw them. It can be the lowering of tense shoulders and it can be volunteering to be uke or to compete. It's part of the whole. if you are observant and a sensitive instructor you can tell a lot when sparring and grappling with your students. A good instructor knows their students.

 

[Tez3]

well at this point i am at a loss as to what to say. in every post i made i tried to point out i do not disagree with you or you were not quoted or referenced at all in the post. but somehow you are still disagreeing with me on a multitude of points

I'm disagreeing because well... I disagree with what you said, does it have to be aimed at me to disagree? If I disagree with something am I to ignore it unless the post is directed at me? If you are questioning something someone else wrote of course I'm going to direct you to them to clarify for you.

actually politics has nothing to do with anything i have said except current marketing strategies

Your comments on so called 'antifa' and the anti men thing as well as the policies of your state. It will get the thread locked I'm afraid if we talk politics.

You seem to want to take the subject far deeper than I did. The OP wants advice on how to help a student in a martial arts class on what is basically a martial arts teaching problem which bullying has made a bit more complicated. The bullying itself is not the problem he wants or needs to address but that the student was let down by a previous instructor and has lost confidence in doing martial arts. He needs a martial arts answer to a martial arts problem.

 

[ravenofthewood]

Thank you, everyone, for your perspectives. Tez3, thank you also for the links.

It would be ludicrous and bulky to try and respond to each of you individually, since so many posts have been written since I last had time to respond, so I am just going to respond generically.

Regarding the treatment of students and its effect on boosting self-esteem and confidence, many of the ways listed/linked to for making a child feel valued and respected are things I am already careful to do with my students. I will admit that I can become caught up in the need to get X, Y, and Z done before the end of class and give quick, general praise as a result, rather than targeted, specific praise, but it is something I am working on. Sadly, it will take a while of my support to undo the damage done by the previous instructor. I am thinking of asking the dad if there were any incidents when Johnny came home taking about comments the instructor made to him, so I can know better the damage I'm dealing with.

Regarding sparring, I am going to try to get him back into going to class. I know the dad will support this, but it will be difficult to convince Johnny. I'm looking at pairing him with hand-picked partners who I know will use control and not steamroll him. I'm also wondering if pre-teaching the drills that will be taught at sparring that week would help him be more confident. We can't do any contact sparring in regular classes, due to a lack of gear, etc., plus I'm not so sure I can trust that class to stick to no contact to light contact sparring.

I'm also going to pull out our body shield and either I or my assistant instructor will hold it so they can practice kicking against resistance. Actually, once everyone is used to the concept of the shield, I can have them hold it for each other, and that will deal with the issue of not being able to do contact sparring in class.

I appreciated the idea of the "stand your ground" drills. I think those will be very useful, and not just for Johnny. We do something sort of similar with a pool noodle, but there's a big difference in brain response between seeing a noodle coming and seeing a fist coming.

In our adult classes, every once in a while we have a class that I call "realistic self defense day." Basically, we work in groups of 4+, and everyone takes a turn being the victim. The other students in the group grab the "victim" any way they like, as hard and realistically as they can, and the "victim" has to either subdue the attacker or get away. It's basically no holds barred self defense practice. It's a blast, and I know it's made me more confident in my own ability to defend myself. I would love to do this with Johnny and his class, but I feel like I'd end up with a class full of kids upset at each other. We adults are proud of the bruises we get (and inflict!) doing this drill...the kids, not so much.

Now to get all this done while still getting everyone ready for their next belt test.

 

[Monkey Turned Wolf]

Regarding sparring, I am going to try to get him back into going to class. I know the dad will support this, but it will be difficult to convince Johnny. I'm looking at pairing him with hand-picked partners who I know will use control and not steamroll him. I'm also wondering if pre-teaching the drills that will be taught at sparring that week would help him be more confident. We can't do any contact sparring in regular classes, due to a lack of gear, etc., plus I'm not so sure I can trust that class to stick to no contact to light contact sparring.

This may be what you're suggesting with the drills, but if not I have an idea to help 'build him up' to sparring. Like you said, have specific drills, but rather than sparring, phrase it as having them practice those specific drills on a partner that is resisting, while the partner is trying the same. So, rather than him thinking of it as sparring, he thinks its just another drill. Then add more drills, and before he knows it, you're informing him that what he's been doing for the past X amount of days/weeks has actually been sparring.

 

[JowGaWolf]

I'm looking for advice regarding a situation I'm dealing with with one of my students (we'll call him Johnny).

Johnny has been coming to taekwondo for about two years. He comes from a very difficult background (broken family, etc.), and is very emotionally sensitive and lacks confidence and self-esteem as a result. Last year, he was always talking about how he didn't have any friends at school. This year, he changed schools, and I just found out yesterday there has been a gang of about four boys bullying him and trying to beat him up. The situation has reached the point where he is scared to go to school. His dad says, while Johnny is telling authorities about what's happening, he doesn't have the self-confidence to do anything to try to protect himself. The school won't do anything about the situation and claims it can only give warnings right now.

Johnny needs more confidence, not so he can become a fighter, but so that he can at least protect himself against the bullies. Typically, learning a martial art gives a child the confidence they need to not be a victim. Unfortunately, the instructor who taught at this location before me (I have been at this location about 6 months) did nothing to build up his confidence, and, I suspect, a lot to tear it down. For most of his martial arts journey, therefore, taekwondo has not been a place to build up his confidence.

Basically, I'm looking for suggestions of things I can specifically do in class to help build up Johnny's confidence. Also, what do you tell your students to do when they're dealing with a gang of bullies, rather than a single bully?

WOW. I knew this day would come.

 

[JowGaWolf]

The best you can do is make his classes fun so it becomes a santuary for him and his life to be a little less hellish.

either that or actually teach him functional self-defense.

 

[JowGaWolf]

His dad was the one who brought the issue to my attention and asked if I could think of ways to help him develop confidence.

I hope you will stop talking about developing confidence by the time I get to the last page of this discussion.

 

[JowGaWolf]

"Zero Tolerance" policies have ensured that this no longer works. The victim is punished equally with the assailant.

This isn't true. The victim usually gets beaten up in addition for the punishment for fighting. If a child is going to be punished for fighting then he /she might as well win the fight. No need to have a double loss.

 

[JowGaWolf]

Coping with bullying is much more than being able to fight back.

It's all about fighting back. Sometimes it's a mental fight and sometimes it's a physical fight. Coping with it means you are willing to take the bullying. The goal is to stop the bullying and that requires that the child fights back either mentally or physically. The child will either have to take charge with his words or take charge with his fists.

The problem is that this child doesn't have any fighting ability. Look at it like this. How much confidence would you have in playing the piano in front of an audience when you know you don't have any ability to play the piano

How much confidence would you have to swim in the ocean if you didn't have any ability to swim? You can have all of the confidence you want but without the skill and ability you will sink.

If you truly want to give someone confidence then you must first give them the skills and then train their ability.

 

[hoshin1600]

either that or actually teach him functional self-defense.

But that kind of goes back to my point about regional attitudes. In some areas , some parents would be appalled at that idea. Now let's assume the dojo has a good working relationship with the local educational system. When they find out you are advocating violence, ,,well that business partnership will be over.