Dealing with a school bully

[tellner]

I have to, very reluctantly, add something else.

If there are several attackers he's in a situation where he could be killed. You need to impress on him just how seriously he should take that. From the moment it starts all the TKD ideals of sportsmanship and fair play have to go right out the window. They will be inappropriate and can get him very badly hurt. Whatever he has to do to stop them and get away safely is permissible.

If that means seriously hurting them to the point where they cannot get up again that is what he has to do. The blocking strategy mentioned earlier is appropriate for one attacker. When there are several it is suicidal. He has to be prepared to use his strongest, most reliable most damaging techniques in a situation like that. G-d willing he will not have to use them. He has to be prepared to and to follow through until he can withdraw without being followed and dragged down from behind.

 

[IcemanSK]

Honestly, I would let the police take care of it. While it might seem that warning them would be the polite thing to do, it would give them time to justify their sons' actions (how, I'm not sure... but I've seen it done too many times) and also to attempt to create events that caused their sons to feel threatened to the point that they felt they needed to attack your son in a preemptive fashion. Remember that if their sons feel that this is an appropriate action, then at some point they must have either learned this at home, or learned it would be condoned. Either way, you're not likely to get the response you would hope for.

I agree with Kacey on this. The police should handle the parents.

It would be easy to assume that the parents of these other kids are either just like you & would want to nip this in the bud, or that they are the opposite & would condone the beating of your son by their kid. The reality will probably be somewhere in between, honestly. But like you are with your son, they will probably "circle the wagons" around their kid & be defensive. There is also an assumption that these other kids are as "into" thumping on your boy as the one who got kicked out is. Realistically, the boys that didn't get in trouble may think twice about getting into trouble for what the main player wants to do. Even if they want to jump on your boy, the police are the correct authority to handle it. My jr. high days are 25+ years ago, but even then, a parent calling made ya look like a whimp. The police calling got everyone's attention.

With the school & police, be "mamma bear." That's all the noise you need to make. IMO

 

[Hawke]

This is from my personal experience:

I got in a fight in jr. high with a racist bully during lunch time (I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th).

The teacher that broke the fight up sent me to the councilor's office while the bully got to go to class. Keep in mind I was defending myself and the other kid was a lot taller than me.

The school councilor knows I'm a good student and wanted to know where the other kid was. She had me bring the bully to her and she gave him a huge long lecture. We were both dismissed.

From that day on that bully stayed far from me. He knew I actually hit back.

 

[Hawke]

This is an advice I got from a forum member who used to work in the school administration.

She said that a principal is usually concerned with these words

"Lawsuit" or "My attorney will contact you shortly."

Will all principals be concerned with those words? Probably not. But if the school will not do something they will get an incentive for action soon.

 

[jim777]

I have to, very reluctantly, add something else.

If there are several attackers he's in a situation where he could be killed. You need to impress on him just how seriously he should take that. From the moment it starts all the TKD ideals of sportsmanship and fair play have to go right out the window. They will be inappropriate and can get him very badly hurt. Whatever he has to do to stop them and get away safely is permissible.

If that means seriously hurting them to the point where they cannot get up again that is what he has to do. The blocking strategy mentioned earlier is appropriate for one attacker. When there are several it is suicidal. He has to be prepared to use his strongest, most reliable most damaging techniques in a situation like that. G-d willing he will not have to use them. He has to be prepared to and to follow through until he can withdraw without being followed and dragged down from behind.

Couldn't agree more with this. Once it's not one on one, then the 'blocking only' strategy has to go out the window. If they jump him like that, they mean to do him very serious injury, as serious as they can deliver. Your son needs to know he has the freedom (and your blessing) to defend himself in any way he sees fit, without any constraint. I think you need to let him know before hand that if it comes down to it, his safety is absolutely more important that possibly getting suspended or even kicked out of the school for fighting. There are other schools, but only one of him.

Sorry you're having to go through this.

 

[tellner]

School ends in 2 weeks and the bully and another problem child are being moved to a different section of the school (the school is broken into "pods" and you only have classes and lunch with others in your pod). These two boys have had trouble with several other students.

This is very good to hear. There's a chance that the bullies will have other concerns and look for targets whom they see every day. Out of sight, out of mind works sometimes.

If your son can arrange to be doing something somewhere else on the last day of school - known in my secondary school days as Payback Day - it might not be a bad thing. Otherwise I hope he keeps his powder dry, his eyes peeled, hopes for the best and prepares for the worst.

And tell him to remember "Always eat your enemies in secret." Damn. Wrong proverb. That was Elder Bullfrog's advice to Young Bullfrog

 

[Empty Hands]

I have to, very reluctantly, add something else.

Christ, this is absurd. Not your advice here Tellner, which is of course true, but the situation. This poor kid knows that three kids are going to jump him, and at the very least going to hurt him bad. He has to just sit there waiting for the hammer to fall, and no one seems to be able to do anything. If the parent were to take any proactive efforts to head this situation off, they would be the ones being dragged off in cuffs. Meanwhile, when these scum finally get around to beating this kid, they will probably only get a slap on the wrist.

It shouldn't have to be like this. Someone should be able to take action to protect their own without automatically becoming the criminal.

 

[dleeret]

OK - here's a followup on what happened today. I met with the Dean of Students who informed me that these three kids have a long history and are well known to teachers and staff to be trouble. They took the threat seriously and even called in the police. The officer asked why we had not pressed charges after the first assault and suggested we seriously consider it. All three boys were called from class after we left and told by the school and the police officer that they had heard from several students that they were threatening my son. They are not saying who they heard it from and the boys don't even know for sure that my son knows of the threat. The school explained what will happen from a school standpoint if they attack him and the police officer let them know that they will be arrested and put on trial and sent to a juvenile detention facility if found guilty. I hope that scares them enough that is stops. The officer said that usually works. He also may go the the home of the kid that punched him last week and talk to them about what's been happening. I sure hope we did the right thing...

 

[IcemanSK]

Christ, this is absurd. Not your advice here Tellner, which is of course true, but the situation. This poor kid knows that three kids are going to jump him, and at the very least going to hurt him bad. He has to just sit there waiting for the hammer to fall, and no one seems to be able to do anything. If the parent were to take any proactive efforts to head this situation off, they would be the ones being dragged off in cuffs. Meanwhile, when these scum finally get around to beating this kid, they will probably only get a slap on the wrist.

It shouldn't have to be like this. Someone should be able to take action to protect their own without automatically becoming the criminal.

Actually, the child doesn't know this for sure. But he hears & suspects that this will happen. Most stress in life is based on what we fear & what we believe might happen to us. What we believe & fear might happen to us is often worse than things that actually happen. Carrying that type of stress is hard enough on adults. It really is terrible as a 13 year old. The OP is doing what is necessary as to help her son. I don't mean to add the stress that this family is going thru: just to point out the awful nature of stress itself.

It really does sound like they are doing what is necessary to mitigate the stressors by talking with the school authorities about it. And one thing is for sure, they have a whole bunch of folks on this board that is in their corner!

 

[IcemanSK]

OK - here's a followup on what happened today. I met with the Dean of Students who informed me that these three kids have a long history and are well known to teachers and staff to be trouble. They took the threat seriously and even called in the police. The officer asked why we had not pressed charges after the first assault and suggested we seriously consider it. All three boys were called from class after we left and told by the school and the police officer that they had heard from several students that they were threatening my son. They are not saying who they heard it from and the boys don't even know for sure that my son knows of the threat. The school explained what will happen from a school standpoint if they attack him and the police officer let them know that they will be arrested and put on trial and sent to a juvenile detention facility if found guilty. I hope that scares them enough that is stops. The officer said that usually works. He also may go the the home of the kid that punched him last week and talk to them about what's been happening. I sure hope we did the right thing...

Excellent! I think you did exactly the right thing!

 

[terryl965]

OK - here's a followup on what happened today. I met with the Dean of Students who informed me that these three kids have a long history and are well known to teachers and staff to be trouble. They took the threat seriously and even called in the police. The officer asked why we had not pressed charges after the first assault and suggested we seriously consider it. All three boys were called from class after we left and told by the school and the police officer that they had heard from several students that they were threatening my son. They are not saying who they heard it from and the boys don't even know for sure that my son knows of the threat. The school explained what will happen from a school standpoint if they attack him and the police officer let them know that they will be arrested and put on trial and sent to a juvenile detention facility if found guilty. I hope that scares them enough that is stops. The officer said that usually works. He also may go the the home of the kid that punched him last week and talk to them about what's been happening. I sure hope we did the right thing...

Hopefully everything will work out, in the end.

 

[tellner]

Thanks for the update dleeret. It looks like the police and the school administration are reading from the right page this time. Good luck with the next few weeks. I'll bet that your son is going to be a serious MMA - Motivated Martial Artist!

 

[Kacey]

OK - here's a followup on what happened today. I met with the Dean of Students who informed me that these three kids have a long history and are well known to teachers and staff to be trouble. They took the threat seriously and even called in the police. The officer asked why we had not pressed charges after the first assault and suggested we seriously consider it. All three boys were called from class after we left and told by the school and the police officer that they had heard from several students that they were threatening my son. They are not saying who they heard it from and the boys don't even know for sure that my son knows of the threat. The school explained what will happen from a school standpoint if they attack him and the police officer let them know that they will be arrested and put on trial and sent to a juvenile detention facility if found guilty. I hope that scares them enough that is stops. The officer said that usually works. He also may go the the home of the kid that punched him last week and talk to them about what's been happening. I sure hope we did the right thing...

You did exactly the right thing. Do let us know how things pan out after school lets out; hopefully, nothing of consequence will happen.

 

[MBuzzy]

OK - here's a followup on what happened today. I met with the Dean of Students who informed me that these three kids have a long history and are well known to teachers and staff to be trouble. They took the threat seriously and even called in the police. The officer asked why we had not pressed charges after the first assault and suggested we seriously consider it. All three boys were called from class after we left and told by the school and the police officer that they had heard from several students that they were threatening my son. They are not saying who they heard it from and the boys don't even know for sure that my son knows of the threat. The school explained what will happen from a school standpoint if they attack him and the police officer let them know that they will be arrested and put on trial and sent to a juvenile detention facility if found guilty. I hope that scares them enough that is stops. The officer said that usually works. He also may go the the home of the kid that punched him last week and talk to them about what's been happening. I sure hope we did the right thing...

Excellent! I'm glad everything worked out! I think that you did exactly the right thing. Score one for good people! Negative 5 for morons and bullies.

 

[Brad Dunne]

OK, I'm going to be the bearer of bad mojo here. The school admits to these kids having a history of trouble and "repeat" and their still in the damn school and still causing trouble. The only thing your getting is lip service from the school. As far as the police go, do yourself a BIG FAVOR and file charges NOW! Only then can the police actually do something besides talking (again, lip service). These kids as stated, have history and nothing has happened to them, so what do they have to fear from the school officials? I'd be willing to place a wager, that the parents of these kids aren't worth the time of day to talk to, or they have just lost all control. Either way, it's not a venue to remove the problem, because it's still ongoing. The only person who has any leverage to do anything, is YOU! There's an old saying, "Could Have, Would Have, Should Have", If only I knew then, what I know now...................

 

[jim777]

OK - here's a followup on what happened today. I met with the Dean of Students who informed me that these three kids have a long history and are well known to teachers and staff to be trouble. They took the threat seriously and even called in the police. The officer asked why we had not pressed charges after the first assault and suggested we seriously consider it. All three boys were called from class after we left and told by the school and the police officer that they had heard from several students that they were threatening my son. They are not saying who they heard it from and the boys don't even know for sure that my son knows of the threat. The school explained what will happen from a school standpoint if they attack him and the police officer let them know that they will be arrested and put on trial and sent to a juvenile detention facility if found guilty. I hope that scares them enough that is stops. The officer said that usually works. He also may go the the home of the kid that punched him last week and talk to them about what's been happening. I sure hope we did the right thing...

Excellent news! I think you did the right thing, absolutely.

 

[dleeret]

Final Update:

Schools out for the summer and there were no further incidents. The three problem kids will be seperated into different "pods" next year and none will be in my son's pod so they will have no contact. So for now, there is no longer a threat. When school begins again in August I hope it continues to a non-threat but we will be careful not to let our guard down. Thanks to all that contributed to this post.

 

[Windsinger]

I've only read a few of the comments on here, but I'm going to throw in my two-bits, if you all don't mind.

I was picked on almost constantly from grade one straight through to my grad year. I've always been somewhat of a pacifist, and never fought back in any way. Which, I do believe, is the main reason it went on as long as it did.

I got my son involved in martial arts for three reasons: physical fitness, confidence, and the ability to defend himself if (gods forbid) he ever needs to. My son and I have an understanding. If he ever gets into a fight that he starts, I will agree to whatever punishment the school deems appropriate. However, if he gets into a fight because he has no other choice and is defending himself (or is defending someone who can't defend themselves), I will stand by him 100%.

I've also tried to instill my personal philosophy in him: 9 times out of 10, there is a way out that does not result in violence. Naive? Maybe. But I firmly believe that is true. (Then again, I've never been in a real fight, so what do I know... )

All that said, I agree with the posts I've read: kudos to your son! In this day and age, it takes a lot of courage to do what he did.