It is easy to be misunderstood. I wonder how many school bullies end up being grown up ones? I'm curious about that now.
There is a difference between being assertive and being a bully. Bullying typically involves a power imbalance of some kind, either through hierarchical or physical power, for example a manager, a more popular kid, or a bigger and stronger kid. If the power is equal, then that's a dispute I guess.
I would also posit that if someone is a bully, they are a garbage person. Taking advantage of a weaker person is pretty much the crappiest thing you can do in normal life.
I'm not trying to rustle your jimmies, nor generate more heat than light, FWIW. It's certainly a subject I feel passionately about, having been bullied both as a child and as an adult. I know people who had to hide in dumpsters to avoid getting beaten up after school.
Here's the thing: I don't care if it's hard to deal with bullies. It is the school's responsibility to ensure a safe, nurturing environment for students. That bullying is so prevalent shows the system has dropped the ball, and failed in their due diligence. I seriously doubt that a typical schoolyard bully is too difficult a problem for those with advanced degrees in education to figure out. If it is, we're done for!
Dangit. I lost a long post and have to start over. Grrr. Oh well. It was too wordy anyway.
The gist of what I was saying is that bullying looks very different. First, I've said before and just to provide context, I see very little difference between a bully and a kid who is being bullied. In these situations, the kids are as likely to change roles as otherwise. And I say this as a kid who was bullied relentlessly much like your friends. Let me try to explain. First, just a disclaimer. As I said earlier, this is a nuanced and complex subject. I'm necessarily simplifying it to try and communicate my point without writing a dissertation.
Kids sometimes need protection from harm, but the harm they run into now is in the form of guns, drugs and gangs. These are not bullies. Bullying in schools now, precisely because of the zero tolerance policies, is social, emotional and intellectual. The kids who were encouraged to bully in decades gone have been effectively neutralized. They are no longer able to vent their frustrations (whatever those might be) by physically tormenting other kids. And, further, these kids are often the victims of bullying now. They are frustrated because they lack some basic social skills. They may have trouble reading or have problems at home or whatever. And other kids, the kids who might once have been bullied, have ascended. Point is, sure, there may be the quintessential bully somewhere. That big, dumb jock who stuffs the smaller kid into a locker. There is also that small kid who is tormenting the big, dumb jock because he has trouble reading or is in a remedial math class. It's a much more subtle and often invisible form of bullying, and because kids are often very plugged into the social networks, there can be less opportunity to find safe places to release the pressure.
With regards to adults, how often do you see physical altercations at work? How often are employees stuffed into a coat closet by their manager? I would wager that this is exceedingly rare. I've been in the business of training, coaching, and counseling managers for over 15 years, and I've never heard of this. I have worked with a lot of workplace bullies, and it is always social, emotional or intellectual in nature. Who do you think the workplace bullies are? I would suggest that they were kids who were either socially, emotionally or intellectually bullying kids in school or who were the victims of bullying. Either way, they are now in a position of authority and don't know how to manage conflict.
Okay, so, do bullies see themselves as bullies? Maybe sometimes, but usually, no. I don't think so, which is what I mean by it being a perception. Now, I get that it feels crappy and can be very, very toxic to a workplace. I just think that a manager who is a bully is often just a manager who is very insecure and uncomfortable with conflict.
Last thing and then I'll stop. Are you familiar with the Thomas Kilmann conflict styles model? It's been around for a long time and I don't want to dwell on it too much. In a few words, it's a model that suggests that there are five strategies for dealing with conflict, along two axis (cooperativeness and assertiveness). It's often misunderstood to suggest that some are good and others are bad (the classic "win-lose" or "win-win" stuff). In the picture below, there are four. The fifth is referred to as compromise and would be right in the middle.
Bullies tend to be at home in the competition style. They are highly assertive and also highly uncooperative. I bring this up specifically because there is one phenomenon I have observed over and over and over again. Literally hundreds of times in my professional career. A manager who is insecure and uncomfortable with conflict will avoid it inappropriately. They will fail to address it until it cannot be avoided any longer. They will ping from very non-assertive and uncooperative to highly assertive and uncooperative. They will steel themselves for the conflict and will unload on the employee. I'm sure you can think of examples of this. It happens all the time. And the point is that to the person on the receiving end of that, it will feel exactly the same whether the person is a bully or not.
We can talk about how this manifests in some common workplace bullying behaviors, such as calling employees out, applying unfair standards, moving the goal posts, undermining authority or others, but I hope that this makes sense in this context.
So, the last thing I will say is to ask how learning to fight is going to help anyone, adult or child, with any of this? Don't get me wrong. I think it might, but not because a person is learning to fight. Maybe the question should be, how is learning a martial art going to help anyone, adult or child, with bullying better than learning to play the tuba in the school marching band, joining the scouts, or playing baseball?
