Points taken.
Regarding being a coward...I guess my main difference is this: We're faced with the guy in the bar who wants to knock our head into the middle of next week for looking at his girl. I can a) apologize profusely and really give him the impression, whether we are really sincere or not, that we are extremely sorry for what we did, we 'act' like we couldn't defend ourselves out of a paperbag, even if we really can, in a nutshell, we do whatever it takes to talk our way out. He accepts this, walks away, thinking we're a whimp, but we survived with doing nothing more than talking. Then we have B. Our tone, our confidence, is up there, we're sure of ourselves. I'm telling him that I'm sorry that he thinks that I was looking at his girl, even if I really was, but at the same time, I'm calm, I'm talking to him in a normal tone. I tell him the next round is on me. He can sit down with me and still think I'm a chicken, I dont care. I still didn't fight, I only spoke. Only difference is how I spoke.
My experience is not that different from yours here, but when I wore a badge and had to deal with bar fights or disturbances, there wasn't a great need for me to know much about the psychology of the guys I was dealing with. We went in to stop the disturbance, and if we had to break heads to do it, oh well.
As a civilian, I don't spend much time in bars, but I have spent a lot of time around drunks whilst being sober myself. I have what I believe is some understanding of the basic psychology of the belligerent drunk, and I find I can generally defuse a situation by giving the drunk what he wants - overt respect of his 'authority' or 'power'.
I understand your way, but I feel it depends upon the drunk recognizing that his own safety is in danger because you do not behave as 'prey'. I am not that certain that seriously drunk people are capable of recognizing the danger you pose to them, or that they can withstand the peer pressure of their drunk compadres egging them on (and when isn't that true?).
By appearing to kowtow, by being overly and overtly humble and submissive, I give the belligerent drunk what he is demanding - respect due to a superior being. I do not think he is superior, nor do I necessarily think he can whup my butt in a fight (even novice sober fighters can often destroy drunken brawlers). But I can (I believe) avoid having him even cock his fist back at me by appearing to knuckle under to his authority. This pleases the drunk, and makes him look like a big man to his drunken buddies. And I leave with them all seeing me as a coward and a wimp, but without having had to fight, in which I might be injured or killed.
If I lived in a closed society, where I could not escape the stigma of being seen as a victim, coward, or wimp, my response would be different. In such a society, my place in the pecking order is very important to my long-term well-being. In a bar (and I'm not really a 'bar' person anymore), not so much. My standing is only social and only for the time I'm there. So everyone at the bar thinks I'm a wimp and a coward. OK with me!
When I was working in the prison, I was constantly outnumbered. When it was time to lock up, of course these guys would take their time, so I'd have to walk down the hall, 17/1, get them in the cell and lock their doors. I'd have guys tell me that they weren't going to. I'd be lying if I said the thought of being outnumbered wasn't going thru my head. But I didn't beg and plead with them to lock up. I was calm, sure of myself, and told them that that was what I needed them to do. I'd get the "Yeah, you're lucky I did it this time, cuz next time you wont be so lucky and I'll kick your ***." comments, but that was ok. I got them to do what I wanted.
Can we apply this to real life? I think so, and I dont see why we shouldn't. But thats me.
Regarding handing over my cash, keys, etc. We mentioned gambling with our lives in another post. While we are both taking a gamble, I don't want to gamble on whether or not the guy will take my stuff and leave. Maybe he will, but what if he doesn't? Either way I have to fight, but I see what you're saying...why fight if you dont have to? Maybe I'll get my car back in one piece, maybe he just needed a ride and felt he had to steal a car to get it. Maybe the car will be stripped and burned to a crisp. Either way I still have my life, although I'll have more headaches now that I have to replace it. If I'm sparring in class, and I see a huge opening for a sidekick, why not take it? Instead, I wait a few seconds, and now that opening is gone, but there are no other openings. Maybe the sparring example is a bad one to use, but my point was, I'd rather take the chance to defend sooner than later.
Maybe as I'm getting into my car, I could hand the guy my keys and then run for the hills. But maybe I have my wife with me, my mother or grandmother, none of which, other than my wife, would stand a chance to run, and my wife is no track star, so I can't leave her behind. So now, I'm complying, I want to get the hell away, but can't. I look at this situation as what I would do if I were alone. Do I want to comply and stand there, seeing what happens next or comply and get the hell away? No matter how we look at it, the situation stinks.
I totally see where you are coming from. I have not worked detention, but I get it.
I think I am taking my understanding of 'best response' based on what I have experienced, and you are taking yours from what you have experienced.
In my experience, bad guys are not surrounded by and locked into a forced society where they are constantly being evaluated by their peers, and where perceived weakness will get them killed (prisoners). In that environment, it would make perfect sense to respond as you do - because weakness or perceived weakness will get exploited, and you'll lose control. Also, as we've discussed before, as a CO, you have a responsibility that overrides your own personal priorities (remaining uninjured and unkilled).
In my experience, with bad guys on the street, they are not brave people unless in a crowd of their own kind. They are worried, nervous, and freaked out. They are keenly aware of their environment and they generally have an instinctive understanding that every moment spent doing the crime increases the chances they'll be caught. They want to get what they want and leave.
They might be stoned, drunk, or stupid (or all three), but they are generally not in a peer-pressure situation where they have to perform in a specified way to gain or maintain stature. A gang situation might be different, and I would react differently if confronted in that manner. I would see a fight as inevietable and attack with everything I had immediately, most likely.
In the situation I described yesterday - I was coming home from dojo and a young tough blocked my way on the stairwell of my apartment building - I had to make some decisions.
First, I noted that he was with his girlfriend. This to me made the situation more dangerous for me. He would be required not to back down, or his girlfriend would lose respect for him. So whatever happened, if we started doing verbal posturing and posing, it would escalate to violence, since he would not be allowed by the situation to back down.
Second, I noticed that he was skinny, had a serious smoker's cough, and was pock-marked with acne scars. He was also covered in bling, and I live on the outskirts of a bad area of Detroit. I figured I could take him if it came to that - hell, I'd knock him through a wall with my size alone. So I knew I could win if I had to fight.
Third, I am not a member of the social community of the people who live in the apartment complex. I come and go, and people see me and I see them, but I don't associate with them or party with them, etc. My family lives in NC for now, so I'm here alone. I have little to worry about with regard to follow-on harrassment or loss of face or status in the community.
Given all that, I decided that the best way for me to deal with this situation was to hand the guy a win. I lowered my eyes. That's a cue that the brain picks up on subconciously - it indicates submission. I edged to one side and made a show of it - I was 'bowing and scraping' from that point of view. I apologized and asked if I could get by - that's 'begging' from that point of view.
This made him a big man in the eyes of his girlfriend, and it was a huge win for him. He could afford to step aside and let me pass, because he had already won and he knew it. I was a big old guy in a karate uniform and I had given him respect in the form of submission. He probably had a chubby from it.
This cost me nothing. And it kept me from having to explain to the police why I knocked him down three flights of stairs and then back up again. It also kept me from being hurt when his girlfriend pulled out a shiv and stuck me in the back whilst I pummelled her zit-faced creep boyfriend. And this guy will not be gathering up his pals and seeking revenge against that 'old dude' who thinks he's Rambo. It's over, he won.
If he had NOT let me pass, then I may have chosen to blast him. But I did not lose that option by trying the 'submission' route. And in so doing, I gave myself a better chance (my opinion) of not being injured.
This is what I mean when I say that I will cower, back down, and otherwise run away from a fight if I feel I can. This costs me nothing - unless I decide that my ego or my self-image cannot tolerate the concept of doing it. And I realize that some people just cannot do this. And I do not mean 'ego' like it is a bad thing. I mean it like I understand that it is part of who we are, and some people cannot bring themselves to subvert it for the sake of remaining out of a fight.
I still have the option of fighting if the guy decides to do something else. If he blocks my way again, I may respond differently. But it depends on what I think the safest approach for me is at that time.
Law enforcement types are generally 'Type A' personalities. They seek thrills and adventure, and they live on adrenalin. I was a borderline Type A for a long time, but I've come to realize that's not really me. I'm much more a Type B sort of person. I have no desire to live on the edge, and I tend to be analytical and pre-think situations. Knowing that an attacker has a goal, and that if he gets that goal he is
likely (but not guaranteed) to go away, provides me with the information I need to make a (I hope) rational decision about how to respond.
