A selection of jokes.

[kid]

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss".

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


kid

 

[Raewyn]

What is Kermit the Frog's middle name???







THE!

 

[lulflo]

An atheist was walking though the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ...
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "it would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke; "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

 

[arnisador]

Lol!

 

[kid]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[kid]

A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies, "I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."

 

[Gin-Gin]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. _________________________________________________________
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
____________________________________________________________
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"
_____________________________________________________________
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

:lol: :lol:

 

[Gin-Gin]

God asked one of his angels one day to go down to earth to find out if humans are being good.
......Yeah, me neither

_________________________________________________________________
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
_________________________________________________________________
An athiest goes for a walk in the woods...

:rofl:

 

[kid]

Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?".

Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart." Jean Claud VanDam said, "I would be Bethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"
__________________________________________________________________________

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

___________________________________________________________________________
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"




kid

 

[Gin-Gin]

font]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
_________________________________________________________________________
What do you mean $200?"-kid

:rofl:

 

[Rynocerous]

I've been out of the loop for a while, but here's one from one of my fav movies! Women I appologize in advance, it is a bad one, and feel free to bust on me if need be!!!!


A woman walks into the bar with a duck under her arm and orders a drink. The bartender asks "what are you doing with that pig."
The woman says "I beg your pardon, but this is a duck."
The bartender looks at the woman and says, "I beg your pardon, but I was talking to the duck."

Sorry once again, but you must admit it is kinda funny...

Ryan

 

[Rynocerous]

I've been out of the loop for a while, but here's one from one of my fav movies! Women I appologize in advance, it is a bad one, and feel free to bust on me if need be!!!!


A woman walks into the bar with a duck under her arm and orders a drink. The bartender asks "what are you doing with that pig."
The woman says "I beg your pardon, but this is a duck."
The bartender looks at the woman and says, "I beg your pardon, but I was talking to the duck."

Sorry once again, but you must admit it is kinda funny...

Quoted from "Point of No Return"

Ryan

 

[Ping898]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent jerk," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

 

[lulflo]

There were these two guys that ended up in a train car together and as they both sat down across from each other they immediately noticed that they both had a black eye on the same side. One man immediately said "what a coincidence, both of us sitting down in the same place and both having a black eye, what happened"? The second guy says that in the morning, he was going to buy his tickets to Pittsburgh and behind the counter, there was a beautiful blonde sitting there with huge breasts. He meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburgh, but what actually came out was "Can I get a picket to Tittsburgh"? So the blonde punched him in the eye.

The first guy says I had a similar experience while eating breakfast with my wife this morning, I wanted her to pass the butter, but instead of saying can you pass the butter, what actually came out was, "YOU RUINED MY LIFE *****"!

 

[lulflo]

Three midgets meet at the bar every Monday night. One day, one says to the others, "My feet are so small, I wonder if they are the smallest in the world?" The others encourage him to check it out and tell him about it the next week.

Next week he comes into the bar very excited and says "My feet are in the book...of world records!" They all say cheers and have a round on him. Then his friend says, you know, my hands are pretty small, I haven't seen any smaller, so they encourage him to check it out and tell them how it goes the following Monday.

Next week he comes in and shouts that he has the smallest hands in the world, they all say cheers and enjoy a round on him.

Now the third guy looks at his regular sized hands and feet, then to his pants and says quietly, "I might have the smallest, you know, thinger" The other two look at each other and in the midst of celebration of their accomplishment, tell the third that he should check it out.

So enthused by his friends, he decides to go for it. He comes back in the next week and his friends are already there. They ask, "Well, how did it go?" The third guy yells out, "Who the hell is Kaith Rustaz?"

(feel free to insert the name of the person you are telling the joke - obviously)

 

[Swordlady]

Okay...I think us females need to take a *little* revenge here:

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a
large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the
other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man
prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was
able to swim across the river in about two hours, after
almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second
man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength
...and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across
the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat
a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked
out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying,
"Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the
intelligence...to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman.
She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.

 

[Swordlady]

Hehehe...

Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so that you can vacume.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

What did God say after He created man?
"I can do better than that."

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

 

[lulflo]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

 

[MA-Caver]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the MA-Instructor was dead on their porch.
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President Bush took questions yesterday and talked about the latest developments in the aftermath of Katrina.

When another reporter asked what he thought of Roe vs. Wade, he said, "I don't really care how people chose to get out of New Orleans."
--------------------------------------------------------
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Ping898]

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the
beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be
queezy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle
it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for
washing our hair."

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put
a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't
forget the curlers."