A selection of jokes.
- Thread starter hardheadjarhead
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Flatlander
Grandmaster
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made himĀ
.
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. :ultracool
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. :ultracool
Shaolinwind
2nd Black Belt
I met an English woman the other week. We had drinks, we laughed, we got along great, and she came home with me. After another drink, things started to get hot, but when we tried to make love it just didn't work.
Damned metric system.
Damned metric system.
exelent jokes! hehe
lulflo
Blue Belt
A guy walks into a bar and sees George Bush and Dick Cheney talking at the bar. Excitedly he goes over to them to see if he can get into the conversation. He asks what they are talking about and Cheney replies, "World War III". The man is amazed that they are talking to him so he decides to pursue further and find out what their strategy is and suprisingly Cheney tells him, "Well, we are going to kill 150 million Muslims and one blonde with blue eyes". The guy looks stunned and after a moment or two asks, "why are you going to kill the blonde"? Dick turns to Bush and exclaims "See, I told you no one would ask about the Muslims!
No offense intended folks...
No offense intended folks...
Billy and Jenny are two 10 yearolds who, despite their age, know that they are in love. They decide that they want to get married. Billy wants to do the right thing, so he bravely walks up to Jenny's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. Jenny's father, remembering his first crush, finds this kinda cute and tells Billy to sit on the couch so they can talk about this.
Jenny's dad asks Billy "If you are gonna get married, where are you gonna live?" To which Billy responds, "Sir, we figure that we can live in Jenny's room, since its about 40 square feet larger than mine. We can live comefortably in there for a while, at least."
Jenny's dad just nods, but thinks to himself "Wow. They've thought about this." He then asks "So if you get married, how are you going to survive, you know, pay the bills?" Billy says "Jenny makes $5.00 a week and I make $10.00 in allowance, so together that makes $60 a month. I think that if we are living in her room, we can live on that, for a while any way."
Now Jenny's dad is really impressed that the two ten year-olds have thought this out so much. "Well," her dad says, "my only other question is what are you going to do when you have little ones of your own?"
Billy says "well, sir...we've been lucky so far."
Jenny's dad asks Billy "If you are gonna get married, where are you gonna live?" To which Billy responds, "Sir, we figure that we can live in Jenny's room, since its about 40 square feet larger than mine. We can live comefortably in there for a while, at least."
Jenny's dad just nods, but thinks to himself "Wow. They've thought about this." He then asks "So if you get married, how are you going to survive, you know, pay the bills?" Billy says "Jenny makes $5.00 a week and I make $10.00 in allowance, so together that makes $60 a month. I think that if we are living in her room, we can live on that, for a while any way."
Now Jenny's dad is really impressed that the two ten year-olds have thought this out so much. "Well," her dad says, "my only other question is what are you going to do when you have little ones of your own?"
Billy says "well, sir...we've been lucky so far."
Robot Bartender
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'interstellar space travel', 'the latest medical break- through's etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot
clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool. This time ordered a beer, and was questioned, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked , "A-r-e Y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'interstellar space travel', 'the latest medical break- through's etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot
clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool. This time ordered a beer, and was questioned, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked , "A-r-e Y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the
step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled,"Well, ma'am,normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind 'a figured we was friends.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the
step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled,"Well, ma'am,normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind 'a figured we was friends.
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Midland, Texas, while awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
It was quiet for a moment then the West Texan cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a slow, matter-of-fact drawl, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
It was quiet for a moment then the West Texan cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a slow, matter-of-fact drawl, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."
bydand
Senior Master
Texas midget testicles
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The
Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor
told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left
testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual
method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor
once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on
the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget
was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the
snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around
the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered
his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect
Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The
Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor
told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left
testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual
method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor
once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on
the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget
was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the
snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around
the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered
his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect
Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..
bydand
Senior Master
Please Read The Following Six Statements And The Amazing Conclusion To Which They Lead:
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketbalL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.
Amazing Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketbalL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.
Amazing Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
An oldie but a goodie...
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a double, get a drink for everyone in the bar, and pour yourself one too." The bartender gets the drinks and comes back to the guy and says, "That'll be $78." The man slams his drink and says, "Well, I only have $5." Of course, the bartender gets pissed, comes around the bar and throws the guy out.
A week later, the same guy comes in, and says, "Give me a double, and get a drink for everyone in the bar." The bartender says sarcastically, "What, you're not buying me one too?" The guy says, "Hell no! You get mean when you drink!"
A week later, the same guy comes in, and says, "Give me a double, and get a drink for everyone in the bar." The bartender says sarcastically, "What, you're not buying me one too?" The guy says, "Hell no! You get mean when you drink!"
