A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.
The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid **** do this time?", says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the little ****er because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.
He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ***, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"What now?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a grape up his ***, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?" they asked.
She said, "Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
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Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."
So the nuns left, each of them thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time.
The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"
And the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."
When the nun did, she was no longer a nun and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"
The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
