A selection of jokes.

[Monadnock]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob

 

[Flatlander]

Lol!!!

 

[dragonswordkata]

"Your wasting your time," says the boy. "Every time you go shopping, the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Cheers,

Ryan

That's great! lol

 

[crushing]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

​

​

'You got Male!'"​

 

[MA-Caver]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

​

​

'You got Male!'"​

You know what's scary about this joke... if a dad/mom told this same story to a kid for real asking the same question... the kid probably would just nod understandingly and say "thanks!"

 

[Touch Of Death]

Did you hear about that actress in Hollywood who just stabbed her husband thirty-seven times? I didn't get her last name but the first name was Reece...





(Witherspoon?)





























No! She did it with a knife.

 

[crushing]

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One's in Australia, the other is in Dublin When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church .... and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

 

[Rich Parsons]

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One's in Australia, the other is in Dublin When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church .... and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Here is to SISTER's! :lol:

 

[crushing]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate
shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four,
and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife 'Just hit
it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.'
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said 'That's OK, Sweetheart' and spent the full
five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a
horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within
two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife
then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his
skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the
hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and
calmly said, 'Honey, that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think we can
do better on the next hole.'

To which she replied, 'Listen *******, don't ***** at me, only 2
of those 5 shots were mine!'

 

[lulflo]

Two Cannibals were eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, "does this taste funny to you?"


A midget psychic escapes from prison and the newspapers read, "small medium at large"


If Bob shot the sheriff, who the heck shot the deputy? hmmmm


Farang - Larry

 

[Big Don]

This blonde walked into a bar




you'd think she would have seen it

 

[Last Fearner]

Jay Leno's iPhone joke:

"If you paid $600.00 for an iPhone, the i stands for idiot!" :lfao:

 

[Decker]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

 

[Buka]