A selection of jokes.

[BrandiJo]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, " Why in the world are you dressed like this? " The Cowboy says, "Well, it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her... so I did." "We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt..so I did." "Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did." "Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did." Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now, go to town, Cowboy...... " And, here I am.

 

[BrandiJo]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish
because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want
to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God
is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

then there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE... BE HAPPY.

 

[Ping898]

The judge said to the double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You jerk!"
The judge ignored the outburst and continued, "You're also charged
with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The same voice yelled out, "You lying jerk!"
The judge looked sternly at the man who yelled and said, "Sir, you may be angry and frustrated by this man's crimes, but one more outburst from you and I'll find you in contempt of court. Do you understand?"
The man replied, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but I've lived next door to that bastard for the past fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

 

[Gin-Gin]

The man replied, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but I've lived next door to that bastard for the past fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

:rofl:

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE... BE HAPPY.

:rofl:

 

[Kreth]

A divorce lawyer looks up at Mickey Mouse, who's on the witness stand. "So, Mr. Mouse, am I to understand that you wish to divorce your poor wife because of her mentall illness?"
Mickey looks at him dumbfounded for a minute, then blurts out, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was ****ing Goofy."

 

[Rick Wade]

One for the guys:

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and delivered it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

and one for the gals:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

Thats some funny stuff.

 

[arnisador]

On the martial arts front...

 

[Ping898]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

 

[kid]

OMG!!!! There is a lesson to be learned here kids, and you won't get it from Sesame Street.

 

[Henderson]

Warning: Stupid Blonde Joke Ahead

Two blondes are walking along opposites sides of a rather wide creek. They come to a narrower point, and one yells across to the other, "How do I get to the other side?" The second blonde replies, "You ARE on the other side!"

Told you it was stupid.


Frank

 

[barriecusvein]

i think this hasn't been posted before, if it has ,o well, its still funny:

in a college exam, the following question was asked for extra credit:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

one student answered with the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose (i.e.,Hell is exothermic).

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is endothermic).

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in hell before I will sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, the second case cannot be true. Therefore, hell is exothermic.

this was the only answer to get extra credit

 

[barriecusvein]

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

[/FONT][FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]"What does that tell you?"

[/FONT] [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

[/FONT] [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. [/FONT][FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]"Watson, you ****wit, someone has stolen our tent." [/FONT]

 

[Ping898]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a
shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on son, how about giving a senior a
break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of dog *****. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a ****. I came into town by bus. I try to
have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at our age.

 

[kid]

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."


mark

 

[bluemtn]

This elderly gentleman goes in for a regular doctor's visit. His doctor asks how he's doing, and in reply the man says "great! God is blessing me so much, he turns on the light everytime I go to the bathroom!"

"Really?" says the doctor. Not believing his ears, he asks the man's wife about what her husband said.

In a distraught reply, "Oh no! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

 

[Ping898]

A man is driving up a steep, narrow, mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out her window
and yells "PIG" The man immediately leans out of his window
and yells "*****"!!! They continue on their way, and as the man
rounds the next corner, he crashes into the pig in the middle of
the road.

If only men would listen.

 

[Gin-Gin]

:lol: Good ones, everybody!

 

[lulflo]

A man and woman are in an airplane sitting in the seats across the aisle from each other. The man sneezes, proceeds to pull out his junk and clean it off, the woman is disgusted to see such a sight. He sneezes again and does the same. The woman is mortified. He sneezes a third time and before he gets a chance to flash her his business, she asks him what is the problem. His reply is that he has a condition that forces him to have an orgasm every time he sneezes, she looks at him puzzled and says, "can't you take something for that?" He says, "I am....pepper"

 

[barriecusvein]

Two muffins are in an oven.

One says to the other "man is it hot in here!"

The other muffin replies "holy ****! a talking muffin!"

 

[xayvong]

there are two men, an asian and a coccasion, and they are both looking for a job. the asian man had just come across seas. they both go up to the boss and ask them if they can get a job. " sure" he say but they both have to do a task first. the coccasion guy is told to help the boss. while the asian is told to get some supplies. 30 min later the coccasion is done but asian isn't back yet. so they go out to look for them. right before they turn the corner the asian jumps out and says " supplies".