Why Kids Get Bullied?

[Jenny_in_Chico]

A part of that experience that has remained with me are the relentlessly stupid things adults told me: "They're just jealous." "If you don't show signs of weakness, they'll respect you." I used to think, why would I want the respect of people who are so cowardly as to gang up to pick on someone?

For some people with a particular psychological profile, fear = respect. They will dominate everyone around them as much as they can, and will only moderate their behavior toward people who refuse to be dominated. Human relationships are in many ways just like non-human primate relationships...aggression is used as a tool to maintain status and gain access to resources. But just like with monkeys and apes, there are individuals who can maintain dominance status through subtle cues, without resorting to overt physical aggression, and there are others which are not sophisticated enough to employ this strategy.

 

[Jade Tigress]

As a teacher, I see parents and kids struggle with issues that sometimes are bullying and sometimes are not. Bullying by nature is persistent. Virtually all children will at one time or another be a victim or perpetrator of mistreatment of others. Thus there is bullying behaviour -- whether it's shunning, physical abuse, name calling, etc. It's wrong behaviour, of course, but it's not necessarily bullying.

That's enormously complicated for a child to figure out. Kids will often express their frustrations in the most global terms. "They're all bullying me." or "He hates me." Sometimes -- make that, a lot of times -- it's a one-off incident, or a misunderstanding. From my perspective, as a teacher, I have to follow up on all of them, so that actual bullying doesn't slip through.

Additionally, it's very complicated for youngsters who get labeled as bystanders. Kids get mixed messages, sometimes being told not to get involved in other people's business, then castigated for witnessing bullying and not doing anything about it.

That's a great point. Didn't think of it that way. :asian:

 

[Drac]

I got bullied all through Jr and Sr High...I was short, heavyset and hated playing and talking about sports...I had the oppertunity to arrest one of my tormentors years later who believed that despite my uniform I was still the kid he use to beat on...Big mistake..

 

[wushuguy]

Sometimes bullies don't know they're bullies, and sometimes kids get bullied for their own reasons....

Before 3rd grade i used to get bullied, being the only asian in a predominantly white school. at first i didn't understand what they were saying, because I didn't hear such language until I got to school. but it didn't feel right. Anyway, we moved and I got to a school where there was more of a mix of ethnic groups. however the damage was already done deep.

Later I did end up taking martial arts, because it was what I felt comfortable with. I didn't like the mainstream games and sports. so it made me even more dorky. anyway, taking martial arts let me to defend myself when needed, and at times i ended up actively seeking out bullies to put them in line... bullies didn't bother me anymore after junior high. but unknowingly, because my temper was short, i at times could lash out and end up being like the bullies i so hated... once i was having a bad day, and a friend of mine was annoying me too much. I snapped and said some words to him and pushed him... made him cry, and shocked myself. at that point, i realized I had become a bully, that i hated. That was the beginning of my break in martial arts, because I needed to be at peace with myself because I didn't like what I was becoming.

About that time my younger brother was starting junior high, and I was nearly finishing high school, and I told him to let me know if people pick on him, because he is a target, skinny asian like myself, but more difficult for him was he has juvenile arthritis and other problems that people don't usually understand. During that time, he never told me that he got beat up, pushed around, picked on, etc. nearly every day. It was a living hell for him, not just that he was constantly sick, but that everyone picked on him and he felt so alone...

When he was nearly graduated from high school and I had finished college, his friend came over for the first time, and acted strangely when he disturbed. I didn't understand why. but my brother told me that all his friends, and most his class is terrified of me because they knew my temper and that i really could beat them severely. I felt saddened when hearing that because it reminded me of how I acted in high school. Bullies can regret their actions too...

My brother never told me that he was getting picked on, because he knew I'd go to his school, and beat the **** out of those kids who picked on him, which would land me in a lot of trouble, like possibly not graduating high school, or after turning 18 even going to jail. so he endured getting picked on and not saying anything because he didn't want any trouble to me. But by his not saying, it gave free reign to those bullies because they knew they could pick on him and he wouldn't tell anyone... but because that time had passed, and because I had changed a bit, so he told me what he went through in junior and senior high. it was so heart breaking.

So sometimes kids have reasons they are bullied, but in any way, they should still tell someone to get help. And sometimes kids don't realize they became a bully...

Bullies don't realize that when they bully others, that others hate them and want to get back at them some how. In my case, they couldn't directly take revenge on me, but when they found my brother was easy pickings, many people picked on him more.

One thing of note too, although in high school most of my schoolmates and I got along and most people think of me as a nice guy, there are those who got bullied by me who think otherwise. So i think many bullies in school aren't perceived as bullies by every one, so it is not easy to recognize who is a bully, because even the supposedly quiet ones may at one time or another bully a different kid...

Growing up was painful in different ways, but I think it is up to the individual, if one is seeking change, whether he was a bully or got bullied, there's a way to grow from those things. Those things shape who we are and how we perceive things. Hopefully one has the will to learn from the past and change their life for the better rather than allow the painful memories to ruin their future.

 

[MA-Caver]

Love the responses and personal testimonies given here... it helps (us) see more about such behavior and possibly understand it.
I've learned through my years of being bullied that it would keep on until I stood up for myself and if anything caused enough pain (not necessarily winning the fight) that they realized that this little doggy is best left alone.
Twice I recall fighting off antagonists. Once I remember physically stopping a verbal barrage in class... (the guy was sitting behind me with his partner sitting beside him (behind me and to the left) and kept ragging on me in that prison whisper volume and I kept ignoring it until the fateful words "...your momma" caused me to spin around in my seat and hammerblow/fisted the guy in his temple and spin back around before the teacher even saw what happened. He left me alone after that... his partner... well that's another story.
Another guy (and this was shortly after I began MA) shoved me up against the wall (forget the reasons why) and was prepared to give me a sound beating... I just gotten out of band class and had my flute in my nice hard case in my hand... that went up once, twice, three times against his head and he let go quick and I walked off... we became friends after that.

No, MA isn't the cure all... but I'll say that it does help reduce and even STOP in many cases the abuse one receives.

I learned via hindsight that it's a normal process of growing up. There are always going to be those who will try to better themselves over you and there are those who will take their mad against their parents out on you because they can and there are those who feel powerful when they do get another kid to cower before them.
Getting picked on can be detrimental in the long run, a wonderful fictional example would be the George McFly character from Back to the Future... but standing up for one's self would have a good results too (sometimes) also shown by the same movie.
If bullies or those who shun kids get caught in the act then, yeah they should be punished but I think not quite as severe as where they'll get in trouble with their parents when they find out... this only causes resentment and possible retaliatory actions against the "snitch". But those getting shunned or picked on should be given the tools to stand up for themselves. Either fighting back or having ways to show that they are indeed an asset to the class, school, social group, clique or whatever so they're appreciated.
Yet you'll have the quiet ones and you'll have the ones who outshine everyone else academically but are lackluster socially. Part of life, part of growing up.
Remember almost all of our present communications technology (computers, cellphones, et al) was created by those same shy nerdy geeks who channeled their inner frustrations and longing to belong into their work. The bullies and the rest... probably work in the manufacturing plants along Silicon Valley. :lol: How's THAT for justice?

 

[Ken Morgan]

I went to Kindergarten through to grade 13 with 60% of the same kids, so we all knew each other well. Amongst us no one really allowed bullying to take place, though there was some.

For me, from about 3rd grade to maybe grade 11, I suddenly became very self conscience and shy for some reason. As the shortest person in the class, average marks, average in sports, but great in art, I was never picked on much. The odd time it happened, I stood up to them and gave as good as I got. Not easy when the person you’re standing up to is damn near 18” taller, and you’re scared to death.

My son was picked on for some reason in grade school, so I put him in boxing for two years. I always told him he was never allowed to start a fight, but he had my permission to end them, and we would deal with the consequences. After two months of boxing someone started something physical with him, he ended it quickly and got suspended. After about the third time of him ending it quickly, he was never picked on again, and in fact he started standing up for others.

You know what guys? As adults we still bully people, generally we shun people who we find don’t fit our stereotypical view of a social friend. You go out with colleagues for lunch, and you don’t invite someone. Someone messed up badly on a presentation you were working on in a group, so we avoid them. Someone has bad hygiene. Someone was some wacko ideas. We shun all these people.

Should we be paying more attention to them? Should we be actually getting closer to them? Just asking.

 

[Blade96]

"Bullying is a pattern of repeated agressive behavior with negative intent directed from one person or group of people to another where there is a power difference." Dan Olweus, Swedish psychologist

sorry, MACaver, but I really reject the notion that 'its just part of growing up'

By that you would have to say that persecuting people and violating democratic rights is part of growing up as well.

All people form hierarchies - its part of our 'animalism' if you will. But that actually promotes social stability and discipline. Both of which are healthy. But bullying isnt forming a healthy hierarchy.

The quote helps explain why people can't stop bullying on their own, and why its not their fault.

And, Bruno, your red t - shirt and killer story is not as complex as the problem of bullying. Saying 'oh he/she can just change and put on a green shirt and it'll stop' Stopping persecutors is a lot harder and much more complex than that.

As for MA, it was easy for me to drive all of my feelings into my Kata. since you have to pretend your fighting someone anyway, with all my bad feelings I have. I suppose that's why I probably like Kata the best! And I suppose thats what helped me win the gold medal at competition. I do all of my Shotokan with feeling.

 

[Bruno@MT]

And, Bruno, your red t - shirt and killer story is not as complex as the problem of bullying. Saying 'oh he/she can just change and put on a green shirt and it'll stop' Stopping persecutors is a lot harder and much more complex than that.
.

Of course. I just wanted to use a simple analogy to explain my point in that I am not blaming the victim, but sometimes we can take control to stop being the one who got bullied.

For some it stops when they learn to understand and interpret the social rules. For others it stops when they physically fight back. And for others it doesn't end at all until they move.

 

[Jenny_in_Chico]

I have discovered the reason that you were bullied...

Another guy (and this was shortly after I began MA) shoved me up against the wall (forget the reasons why) and was prepared to give me a sound beating... I just gotten out of band class and had my flute in my nice hard case in my hand... that went up once, twice, three times against his head and he let go quick and I walked off... we became friends after that.

You were male, and you played the flute. The flute.

 

[Ironcrane]

Personally, I felt this article didn't go into why kinds get bullied at all. But rather what happens when kids get bullied. I suppose I'm being picky, but there is a difference to me.

 

[Gordon Nore]

Personally, I felt this article didn't go into why kinds get bullied at all. But rather what happens when kids get bullied. I suppose I'm being picky, but there is a difference to me.

I think that's a valid point. I have a couple of unscientific theories. First, to make an analogy to common street crimes, like muggings, I believe victims are selected. Not every passerby is an ideal target, so the perpetrator is looking for someone who is likely to have what he wants and appears vulnerable enough to overpower if need be.

The second part of my cock-eyed theory is that victims of bullies are people who will have an emotional reaction to the act of bullying. A bully may test his or her tactics to see who will react. I remember a kid in grade nine who was terribly shy, quite overweight, with a fair, soft complexion and a high pitched voice. He very quickly became a target.

Now I had been a victim of repeated taunts and a abuse in that same school during my seventh and eighth grade years, so when they started going after this guy and others, it was like I got a reprieve.

 

[wushuguy]

I have discovered the reason that you were bullied...



You were male, and you played the flute. The flute.

That shows that people don't realize how good men who play flute are good at fingering techniques...

I played the flute too, mostly because i got bullied by other kids who didn't want me playing the same things as them. but from playing the flute, fingers are much more nimble which gives greater prowess in ... grappling techniques and locking....

 

[MA-Caver]

sorry, MACaver, but I really reject the notion that 'its just part of growing up'

By that you would have to say that persecuting people and violating democratic rights is part of growing up as well.

All people form hierarchies - its part of our 'animal-ism' if you will. But that actually promotes social stability and discipline. Both of which are healthy. But bullying isnt forming a healthy hierarchy.

I've not a problem with your disagreement, but I'll counter that it's part of growing up for a LOT... but not ALL people. Some folks I know have gone through their whole lives (to date) and have never experienced bullying to any degree. They've SEEN it certainly at one time or another and also some may have participated to a degree. But it is part of "growing up"...
When as adults we engage in bullying behavior (what you call persecuting, violating human and democratic rights) is not part of growing up because you're already there and that IS wrong. But I never said bullying was right to begin with. It isn't but you ask a group of people and I think you'll find a number have had the same/similar/akin experiences.
We as human beings have an innate drive to be violent, it's part of our make up. It's why we break out into wars, break things in anger, create violent media (tv, games, books, sports, movies, et al) to appease that part of ourselves, punch and hit and study how to punch, hit, kick. We are violent creatures when riled and even then we seek something to appease that nature of ourselves. How we each deal with it directed at or to us is left to us.
Bullying does help sometimes for a kid break to out of their shell and eventually shine as an adult that we all come to admire/respect.
Then again it could have adverse effects and we have another Columbine shooter. Hell, at one time or another I wanted to take my dad's guns and shoot those bastards to red mist. But I didn't.
It's a crap shoot.

The quote helps explain why people can't stop bullying on their own, and why its not their fault.

Probably it's not their fault, probably they're acting out their own anger, fear, frustration from an abusive home life. Or they just get off on power and control, because they feel they have none, or because they just like the feeling they get, as warped as it may be to the rest of us. Again, a crap shoot to the whys and wherefores.

And, Bruno, your red t - shirt and killer story is not as complex as the problem of bullying. Saying 'oh he/she can just change and put on a green shirt and it'll stop' Stopping persecutors is a lot harder and much more complex than that.

Of course it is, and as he stated in his reply it was just an analogy. But have a kid who might be a target make themselves LESS of a target holds true. As I mentioned when I fought back against my own antagonists the bullying got dramatically less... and potential bullies left me well enough alone as well.

As for MA, it was easy for me to drive all of my feelings into my Kata. since you have to pretend your fighting someone anyway, with all my bad feelings I have. I suppose that's why I probably like Kata the best! And I suppose thats what helped me win the gold medal at competition. I do all of my Shotokan with feeling.

It does show the positive aspects of MA right there. Kudos to your gold. :asian:

 

[Jenny_in_Chico]

That shows that people don't realize how good men who play flute are good at fingering techniques...

I played the flute too, mostly because i got bullied by other kids who didn't want me playing the same things as them. but from playing the flute, fingers are much more nimble which gives greater prowess in ... grappling techniques and locking....

Yes, I know...because I also played the flute in school. However, no boy would have been caught dead playing the flute, becuse it was considered a girls instrument. I don't think your "finger nimbleness" argument would have flown very far.

 

[Blade96]

It does show the positive aspects of MA right there. Kudos to your gold. :asian:

Thank you very much, MACaver.

 

[MA-Caver]

That shows that people don't realize how good men who play flute are good at fingering techniques...

I played the flute too, mostly because i got bullied by other kids who didn't want me playing the same things as them. but from playing the flute, fingers are much more nimble which gives greater prowess in ... grappling techniques and locking....

Yes, I know...because I also played the flute in school. However, no boy would have been caught dead playing the flute, because it was considered a girls instrument. I don't think your "finger nimbleness" argument would have flown very far.

Obviously the (antagonists) aren't fans of Jethro Tull. :uhyeah:

As far as finger dexterity goes, I already had that with my sign-language/finger spelling skills, and my girlfriend loves me.
Besides the flute is a beautifully sounding instrument if played right.

 

[kungfu penguin]

being disabled i was the target of a lot of abuse [a lot!!] i had so much rage in me i snapped and busted a kid's front teeth with a padlock and just kept hitting it took 3 teachers to pull me off him the only reason i was not expelled was because i was physcially and verbally abused by this boy for about 5 years. also the boy's own mother said the litlle s*&t deserved it! but was suspended for 3 weeks after that kids left me alone until my senior year, and i was handcuffed to a bathroom stall and beaten to snot [6 tough kids] i could not even graduate with my class i found each and evry one of those boys after grad 1 on 1 was not the odds the wanted then after that i attempted suicide for the first of 4 times these kids hated me but i hated myself more i still deal with these issuses today self esteem has kept me out of a lot good things in my life all because i was a victim of "cool" people

 

[MA-Caver]

being disabled i was the target of a lot of abuse [a lot!!] i had so much rage in me i snapped and busted a kid's front teeth with a padlock and just kept hitting it took 3 teachers to pull me off him the only reason i was not expelled was because i was physcially and verbally abused by this boy for about 5 years. also the boy's own mother said the litlle s*&t deserved it! but was suspended for 3 weeks after that kids left me alone until my senior year, and i was handcuffed to a bathroom stall and beaten to snot [6 tough kids] i could not even graduate with my class i found each and evry one of those boys after grad 1 on 1 was not the odds the wanted then after that i attempted suicide for the first of 4 times these kids hated me but i hated myself more i still deal with these issuses today self esteem has kept me out of a lot good things in my life all because i was a victim of "cool" people

Yeah I gone through the same thing up until the 9th grade I was the go to guy if you were pissed off and needed to vent your crap out on someone physically. I was an easy target and so much fun because I flew into a rage that must've been a sight to see. After I started learning the arts and really fought back the **** got less and less. I never had a gang beating like you had and am thankful for it... my heart and warrior's soul goes out to you for surviving that.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger and I honestly believe that... trouble is getting those to believe it themselves. Surviving beatings from bullies, abusers, etc. shows that we are stronger than the ones who inflicted the beatings... pain heals and with the right attitude makes us better in avoiding it.

In retrospect I pity those poor dumb bastards and pity bullies today. They got lots of problems. I won't tolerate it when I see it among kids, and parent's ire be damned I'll stop a bully and give 'em a piece of my mind, making them feel small and petty.

 

[Blade96]

KungFuPenguin, I feel for you. That happened to me too. all the rage and everything. Its a very familiar to me. and you take it out on much more than just the ones who hurt you. Sometimes you take it out on others, like your own family.

I'd like to point out something though.

I'd hate to admit that anything good came from my past. but it did.

I developed a very fierce protective streak so that I will defend ayone who suffers the smallest sign of mistreatment. I do not hang around cliquish people for example. I am a floater. I 'float' between groups. and I talk to everybody, even those who are different.

I learned to judge the character of men (and women) When you have mostly known bad people in life, and not enough good people, you learn how to recognize not so good streaks in people quickly.

I became strong. so that I can say 'stop! no more!"

Shotokan helps develop myself spiritually and get to know myself ('seek perfection of character' is one of the Twenty Guiding Principles) That and know yourself, then know others. I think it fits very well with me and my past and my life. and who i'm becoming.

These things I developed, my wish is that people can learn them without being subjected to bullies. How I learned them is not a good way, and i do not recommend it =]

You let it be a part of who you now are. As Simba was told in the movie the Lion King ' The past can hurt. But you have 2 choices. You can either run from it, or learn from it'

I know this isnt related to the topic 'why do kids get bullied' but I felt it necessary to let people know I see now some good came from my past. Now I channel my rage into positive things. Like putting all my efforts and strength into things like my Kata.

I'm learning now.

 

[AlanE]

I have a "why," and I hope an inspiring outcome. Long...I was on a roll!

Florida, 1973-1980, age 8-15. My town had a machine (Southern mob) and my father (an attorney) refused to work for them. He told us to expect some trouble and we got it. Routine troubles from teachers and kids. But country living builds strength (I was unaware we had any money! Good parents…) and 2 years in military school (with trouble encountered by sheltered me at 14 and 15) had me coming back to my hometown school strong in 11th grade. I missed home. One by one I saw the ol' gang, the ones I didn't like. Was it dramatic? In an unexpected way it was.

[I still had many other struggles to overcome. No one ever knows just how bad something *could* get. I'd soon be 100% alone, lost both parents and my sister, but at this point I'm confident.] Chump is high on marijuana by a stop sign just off school property, sitting down. I walk up to him and just then recognized him. I was getting fired up! I’m looking at this guy slide up the sign to his feet to say, "Hey man," or something like that. I understood I was healthy and I felt bad for him. I had already won. My anger passed fast.

No formal MA training yet. Lots of “What the F” training in military school in Georgia which was 50% US population and 50% non-US (Hispanic) population. That was the Contra-Nicaragua years. For safety, education, and military training for the future, some American military academies were populated in this way by students from Honduras, Dominican Republic, etc. I had friends on both sides, and I had enemies on both sides. My worst exchange for feeling stupid and helpless was in my first 2 weeks being slapped beat down by a druggie named Campos. I lost a bottom tooth for a few hours in another surprise attack. Things improved after that. Luckily I was one of those fast reflexes guys, and I got tired of pain and seeing higher ranks abuse lower ranks and deal drugs. Slap boxing contests were popular. Somehow I was good after my eye healed. Most of all, I was my parents' hope. They had no idea, writing me cheerful letters, and I was even trying to get good grades in the craziness.

I did not deserve to be bullied off and on for years. It hurt like it hurts for everyone.

Victims of bullies from the opposite gender must be believed (verbal or physical) and given a positive example. No one should be rude and disrespectful to me to avoid fitting a stereotype, or to make a new stereotype. That's ridiculous. Me, the person, takes precedence over someone's image promoting. But it happens. Why do I focus on gender relations as a way to escape the effects of bullying? Because it ties us together (circle of life Blade96

) and can heal. Or it doesn't tie us together and we have victims promoting an unhealthy brand of interaction. Who are the victims?

Everyone.

We see, watch, and fear the other gender more than our own. Statistics are used and abused for support. The media has its own agenda. What’s the truth? Notwithstanding very legitimate reasons to fear the numerous criminals in the world, do people really fear the opposite gender the most? Do men fear women even if bullied by mostly men previously? Do women fear men even if bullied entirely by women previously? Sure, because bullying strikes at the core of confidence and begs, "Why me?" It makes a person shut down (bully’s intention?). My fear is improperly applied laws.

Those I consider bullies like to tell how tough they are. They intentionally hurt others. They may have a respected title and be considered reasonable or inspiring. They have supporters that mimic them so they can be equally strong, privileged, or safe. Abusing power, which everyone has in varying amounts, is bullying.

Bullies hurt others because they can. Like all abusers, they attempt to convince their victims they deserved the abuse. They don’t see themselves as abusers. They deny it in order to continue doing it. They point to flaws in the person they’re abusing, and insult third parties advocating against abuse (anti-slavery movement, anti-torture movement, etc.) as weak, impractical, or unrealistic in their view of the harsh world. They obtain fans and followers using popular rally topics to increase their security and room to abuse. They operate in conditions of lax laws, or laws they control. They give subjective justifications for abuse in an attempt to control groups of persons bound by restraints. They're more cruel when there are few consequences. They teach bullying to witnesses who believed it worked, and teach victims who will displace their retaliation on new victims. They are often part of a culture that says, “Everybody is doing it, not just me. It’s no big deal.” To them, it will never become a big deal unless they get hurt, found out, or have the tables turned on them. Their conscience will only grow after a “fall from grace.” They become accustomed to having advantages and a feeling of power and respect. They exist in their own world and call it so.

Actions that exclusively rely on one’s conscience, where there are no laws, are the most difficult - and the most important.

Being the opposite gender is hard on all of us at one time or another. We are all the opposite gender

. Heal gender relationships and heal children. Heal children and heal most of the bullying problems. Gender-based bullying, or playing along with it can make victims feel over half the world is against them.

The results of bullying look back at us every day. Are hard times from bullying a normal part of the growing process? There are other ways to get strong, I’m sure! I can be pushed to exceed previous limits and still understand sacrifice. I don’t have to be bullied and without self-esteem, or lose members of my family, to understand sacrifice. Suppose one can’t recover on one’s own?

We need each other. An elderly friend whose groceries I bagged, saved my life after my parents were gone, after my parents first saved me by adopting me. This lady looked at me! Looked in my eyes and said you’re polite but you’re in pain. How the…!!!??? Much as I’d like to take credit because I sacrificed, I can’t because others sacrificed in order for me to live, by giving me positive examples.

Prevent bullying by examining who you shun: the criminal or the merely immature? The people who require you to be responsible and accountable, or the people who encourage your poor behavior? Do you intentionally remind someone of their weakness? Why?

Prevent bullying by loving your students (boundaries!), the clumsy person with gender-based confusion, and your wife or husband. Those are places where we can make a difference with bullying.