Fear Of Parenting.

[MA-Caver]

Why We Fear Parenting

By Meredith F. Small, LiveScience's Human Nature Columnist
posted: 27 June 2008 11:32 am ET

http://www.livescience.com/history/080627-hn-parents.htmlAlthough the parent-child relationship has been working smoothly for millions of years, today’s parents are quivering masses of indecision and self-doubt. Why are we so afraid of parenting?
Part of the self-doubt comes from a simple change in demographics.
Since the turn of the century, the birth rate in the United States has been steadily falling and in the 1960s, with the introduction of the birth control pill, it dropped dramatically. Most families now have two children, many couples don’t want children at all, and neighborhoods are no longer teeming with kids.
As a result, few grown-ups have had experience with little brothers or sisters. Teens used to learn about kids by babysitting, but these days adolescents are too busy with scheduled events or school work, or they want a job with better pay and less hassle. And so they grow up with no child care experience at all.
Today's parents pigheadedly refuse to look for advice from people in the know — their own parents. No, no, we want to be “better” parents than the previous generation, so why ask them?
And so we turn to “experts,” that is, parenting advice books and pediatricians.

As we go through our day to day lives and read/see stories about kids gone bad. Kids beating up others, committing horrid crimes, being disrespectful to authority figures and so on... it boils down to (IMO) the effects of the home-life and the parenting they've received prior to their offenses.
As the article states parents are not wanting that awesome responsibility as much as they thought they did of raising their child and seem to be trying to raise them so they'll be out of the way and out of sight/mind. Likewise not raising the kids like their parents raised them, instead referring to "experts".
My own upbringing taught me things along the lines of what NOT to do when raising children. Yet the positive aspects (which outweigh the negatives) of my upbringing have made me relatively alright in today's society... at least in my later years... my young adult was rife with trouble, drugs, a brief stint in county jail and living on the streets. Yet I had enough positive influence to find the wherewithal to straighten my self out, get my head out of my *** and start living a decent trouble free life.
Though I've none of my own (to speak of ) I've assisted families over long periods in the realm of child-rearing. More of a Nanny who has IMO, just as much influence on the children as the actual parent. Either way, knowing that what ANY adult interaction a child has will have it's eventual effects. A teacher, the cop talking to them from the squad-car as they pass on by, a martial arts instructor to bad criminal type elements the child may come in contact with via friends or their neighborhood because they're out of their parent's range of supervision.
Yet when a kid gets in trouble or commits a crime, I've always said it goes back to the parents. How a child is raised does have an impact upon how it behaves when it starts having more time out in the world away from home. A child may rebel from a too strict home environment or an abusive home environment may cause a child to "act out". Too loose also has negative repercussions as there's no discipline, structure and an awareness of consequences.
Granted there is no ONE perfect way to raise ANY child. Yet this line from the article does sum it up best I think.

Where, then, can we turn when faced with the challenge of being a parent?
We might simply look inward. If parents stay close to their kids, listen and pay attention, use common sense and stay flexible, chances are they’ll know what to do, even if they make a few mistakes along the way.
Being a good parent isn’t that easy, but it’s also not that hard.
As Dr. Spock wrote 60 years ago, “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”

Thoughts, comments, reflections??

 

[Bruno@MT]

I have zero fear for how my kids will turn out.
I may have fear for what might happen to them, as is probably shared by all parents. Having daughters is probably even worse in that regard.
We have very few rules, and we have enforced them from day one.

My oldest daughter has challenged our authority a lot when she was a toddler. She was in time out before she could stand.
The trick however, and something that many people fail at, is to be consistent and to not accept defeat. The first time my daughter was in time out, she crawled away. So I put her back. And she crawled away again. And I put her back. She became angry, started crying, and yet I put her back every time. Eventually she accepted that she was punished and not allowed to play.

These days, even though she is nearly 5, if I put her in a corner with her face to the wall, she will stay there until we tell her to come out. And it works. She behaves very well. It is possible to discipline without resorting to strength as a first resort. The only times she was ever spanked was when she called my wife names, and when she intentionally hurt her little sister.

And the ground rules are simple. They have to obey if we tell them to do something, they have to show manners no matter where they are, and they are not allowed to hurt anyone except in self defense. The manners thing especially seems to take some other people aback.I have seen many people laugh away their kids misbehavior and rudeness because it's 'their rascal', or give in to their demands for chocolate and candy or toys because otherwise they throw a tantrum

We are not strict parents by any measure, trying to control every aspect of our kids lives. They act out and do what kids do.
We just feel that proper manners are the basis for a healthy personality.

 

[seasoned]

Granted there is no ONE perfect way to raise ANY child. Yet this line from the article does sum it up best I think.

"Where, then, can we turn when faced with the challenge of being a parent?
We might simply look inward. If parents stay close to their kids, listen and pay attention, use common sense and stay flexible, chances are they’ll know what to do, even if they make a few mistakes along the way.
Being a good parent isn’t that easy, but it’s also not that hard.
As Dr. Spock wrote 60 years ago, “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”

Thoughts, comments, reflections??

It was said that if we raise our children in the right direction... they may stray from the path... but they will find their way back..... When we raise kids, we are planting seeds, for good or bad. When they are toddlers we have their full attention, so verbal direction and consistency is important. The pre-teen to teen years are different, there, we teach by example, the way we are, is the way they will be. I think the saying here is "caught more then taught". There is a time frame here where we become passé, to them. From my vantage point, I have more years behind me then in front of me, so I can speak from the other end of the spectrum. The elements that all humans need, are the ones we need to impart to our children. Life is made up of rules, consequences, love, restraints, honesty, openness, and expression of feelings. As they reach adulthood, our main job now is to allow them to find their own niche and forge their own life with the tools we have given them. This is a time of stepping back, and giving them the room to become themselves.
Re: Fear Of Parenting.
Yes, there are many, and the biggest is letting go of that child, and knowing that your job is finished. It is now their time to take their place in life, as their light brightens, ours diminishes. Feeling from my vantage point now, empty but accomplished. Also old people have a tendency to talk too much, sorry.

 

[kaizasosei]

I believe, giving kids choices, careful communication and respect makes them act like adults. This is apparent if you look at the more traditional forms of japanese parenting. Noisy tough-acting sweettalkin parents are communicating a bipolar disorder where they are all nice one min and oblivious the next. Parents that abuse either physically, verbally or through other means, will prompt the soul of the child to ask 'who is this that is controlling me? Is he/she really wise and benevolant?' the soul knows 'Because it is I, the great soul that is infinately precious, wonderfully powerfull though invisible as well as inconveivable and plain visible'

Perhaps there is a kind of hygine involved when it comes to communication, makes me think of spirits and demons-religions and institutions-mothers and fathers?. Not to spark any paranoia because we also can learn from certain mistakes but the soul is allpowerful and a childs is no less if not more so. Mostly, the soul if upset or poisoned will be selfdestructive but it can also be destructive.
Best to be helpful but not be so pushy and in a rush. That gives the kids all that they need to figure stuff out for themselves. Explain. Every person is a king or queen.

Basically i think there are two main drives in parents-love and greed. Love is when a parent puts invests more in the kid(not money) and greed is when the parents will not let go of the idea that the kids are 'kids' and will always cling to the idea that they are superior. Even if a parent says that the kid has lost my respect because of this action or this action, most likely, their own actions are tightly interwoven into the whole problem from the start. Do you blame the seed or the one that raises the plant? Sometimes it can be a tough question.

When i think of examples of love, i think of Theseo and how his father killed himself when he saw the black sails believing his son had been killed. Also through observation, i have come to respect parents of certain religions and cultures, such as the Bahai faith, that indoctrinate children in such a gentle yet powerfull way that that the kids seem like little adults at a young age. I don't think that they miss out on childhood in these cases, it most likely only helps avoid many problems. And when they are with their friends, they can freak out as much as they want technically, it's just that they have learned to integrate society and understood some of the more serious aspects of life. (confused mixed feelings or fanaticism of religion/spirituality do burden a kid too)

It's so simple to be interested in what the kid is saying and give it some serious and positive feedback. It's also so easy to go too far and spoil them. It is most difficult to face our own demons and have the abililty to remain quiet.

What's there to be scared of really. Just think, ' i know that i know nothing' because the kids know it, that you know nothing(or next to nuthin of great significance or dignity).

This subject is related to the subject of loyalty which i am in process of mentally putting together a new thread- still difficult as it is a really touchy subject but may also have significance for the martial artist if not everyone.


j

 

[chaos1551]

It's so simple to be interested in what the kid is saying and give it some serious and positive feedback.

Take a moment and explain things to the kids when they ask. Don't assume they won't understand because they're kids. How else will they learn?

Children thrive on consistency. It helps them establish social boundaries. A child may think that their parent is mean through discipline, but when something goes wrong that same child will look to the parents to make it right.

You are not your kids' best friend. You are their parent. If you're an involved parent, you could be a friend on the side.

Nothing is more powerful than an example. A good example makes a good kid. A bad example makes a bad kid. All children's behavior is routed back to the parents.

With teenagers, it's a gamble because they're learning independence. However, it's a damn good gamble if they've had involved parents.

 

[Bruno@MT]

Take a moment and explain things to the kids when they ask. Don't assume they won't understand because they're kids. How else will they learn?

This is a pet peeve of mine: adults who speak to kids in a weird high pitched voice as if kids are unable to comprehend a normal conversational tone.
They do. I use the same tone of voice for kids as for adults. And it works, too. It's amazing how well kids can listen / talk to you if they feel like they are part of the conversation.

Nothing is more powerful than an example. A good example makes a good kid. A bad example makes a bad kid. All children's behavior is routed back to the parents.

+11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

 

[Blade96]

This is a pet peeve of mine: adults who speak to kids in a weird high pitched voice as if kids are unable to comprehend a normal conversational tone.

Ugg, yeah. I hate that too.

 

[grydth]

Why do I suspect that those who exhibit "Fear of Parenting" probably show fear, indecision and selfishness in everything they do? Or don't do.

All things considered, parenting is probably easier now than ever. I don't have to worry about my kids being eaten by wolves, wild dogs or any other predator. I need not worry of them dying of polio, smallpox or so many other diseases that formerly filled many small caskets. If I die or lose my job, they won't be sold into servitude or die of starvation.

All those too afraid will miss out on watching children thrive and grow... they'll never get the hugs and "I Love You's".... never see the report card with "A's" or be at the orange belt ceremony....

Parenting isn't for weenies.... so, if it seems all too scary, my advice is simple: Don't!

 

[5-0 Kenpo]

With all due respect to all of your views, would that it could be that your solutions were that simple. If that were the case, then we could directly point to each parent-child relationship and point to the cause / moment that things went wrong and "ruined" the child.

I am not one to usually blame society for a person's ills, but I will attribute to it its part of the problem. Parents are not the only influence in children's lives. As an example, we put them in schools where teachers tell them not to discuss with parents controversial subjects talked about in school. And we have told our children to trust those very same teachers. There becomes a disconnect between what we have tried to teach our children.

As shown in another thread here, we have zero tolerance policies which confuse kids in their understanding of the right and wrong things to do. We have a culture, at least in the U.S., where everyone's opinion matters, and that no one is really wrong. We justify everything that we do, even though it's not logical. Why? Because we were taught that way ourselves. We essentially teach our children that it is more important to be socially accepted then to do the right thing. And even if we don't, most of society will teach that to our children for us.

I don't fear being a parent. What I fear are all the destructive influences that, due to the structure of our society, I am going to have to force my child into, and then have to fight it to tell her that those things are wrong.

 

[chaos1551]

I don't fear being a parent. What I fear are all the destructive influences that, due to the structure of our society, I am going to have to force my child into, and then have to fight it to tell her that those things are wrong.

Well, you're that much further ahead when the time comes.

Showing a child how to think is more difficult and more rewarding than just telling them what to think.

How a child interprets the good and bad of a society is the parents' responsibility. It's not easy, and there is not always a correct choice. There is always, however, a better choice.

On a side note, political correctness is the devil incarnate.

 

[Stac3y]

As an example, we put them in schools where teachers tell them not to discuss with parents controversial subjects talked about in school. And we have told our children to trust those very same teachers. There becomes a disconnect between what we have tried to teach our children.

Do you have an example of that? I have NEVER encountered a teacher who does that, and, owing to the fact that parental involvement is the Holy Grail of teaching, it sounds unlikely to me.

 

[Blade96]

Nothing against Caver, the OP, for he might not have been thinking this way at all.

But the topic 'fear of parenting'

as well as some of the sentences in the article, 'birth rate dropping, maybe dont want kids, etc'

it to me seems to be subtly bashing those of us who for one reason or another didnt want to be parents. Like there is something wrong with it.

My cousin has been living with her bf for years, both of her sisters have kids, but she doesnt want any. and some of our aunts and uncles give her a hard time because she chooses not to have any. 'why dont you have a kid' 'its time now' and im like 'leave her alone, she'll have them when she's ready and not before'

I will probably never have any myself, because one, I dont like little babies. Never have been a 'baby person' Just dont like them. and the other reason I just dont want to say. Just that I havent found a man.

 

[Steve]

Take a moment and explain things to the kids when they ask. Don't assume they won't understand because they're kids. How else will they learn?

Children thrive on consistency. It helps them establish social boundaries. A child may think that their parent is mean through discipline, but when something goes wrong that same child will look to the parents to make it right.

You are not your kids' best friend. You are their parent. If you're an involved parent, you could be a friend on the side.

Nothing is more powerful than an example. A good example makes a good kid. A bad example makes a bad kid. All children's behavior is routed back to the parents.

With teenagers, it's a gamble because they're learning independence. However, it's a damn good gamble if they've had involved parents.

LOL... this is EXACTLY what I'm trying to say in the Defense of McDojo thread. Well put and I agree completely!

It's not just parents, though. While parents are absolutely the most influential person in a child's life up until about 12, the child quickly begins identifying with other adult role models, including teachers and coaches.

 

[5-0 Kenpo]

Do you have an example of that? I have NEVER encountered a teacher who does that, and, owing to the fact that parental involvement is the Holy Grail of teaching, it sounds unlikely to me.

http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/storysection=news/local&id=7237981&pt=print

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=54683

These are two examples of where teachers told students not to talk about what went on.

I do believe that most schools want parental involvement. But this is in regards to supporting the school, not of the parent being involved in the actual education of their children.

 

[5-0 Kenpo]

Well, you're that much further ahead when the time comes.

Showing a child how to think is more difficult and more rewarding than just telling them what to think.

How a child interprets the good and bad of a society is the parents' responsibility. It's not easy, and there is not always a correct choice. There is always, however, a better choice.

On a side note, political correctness is the devil incarnate.

I absolutely agree with you here. Not to get too deeply involved in this, but doing so allows them to handle scenarios not directly given by the parent, eg., it allows them to adapt to the particular circumstances from a frame of reference.

Unfortunately, public schools and institutions actively fight parents in the actual rasing of their children. They teach and coerce them into thinking a way opposite of what the parents choose.

Now, obviously this is not all parents. I believe that alot of parents follow along, either because they don't care, or they themselves trust that the educational institutions have their children's best interests at heart. (Note that I did not say teachers, whom I believe often do, but are themselves a product of the same Frankfurt / Prussian theory of education.)

 

[Carol]

I do believe that most schools want parental involvement. But this is in regards to supporting the school, not of the parent being involved in the actual education of their children.

There is quite a bit that schools don't want parents to know.

http://www.teacherfocus.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=7236

I've also been told (in teacher training and at my site) that I am prohibited from telling parents this.

The teacher in question is prohibited from telling parents their rights with regards to a child that may need special accomodations.

 

[Blade96]

Unfortunately, public schools and institutions actively fight parents in the actual rasing of their children. They teach and coerce them into thinking a way opposite of what the parents choose.

No kidding.

Its against the rules now, but when i was in elementray school a school could yank kids out of a regular classroom and stick them in special ed without following any special procdure or talking to the parents. This is what happened to me (one of the ways I was abused by the school systems I was in)

My father actually had to run for the school board elections to MAKE them put me back to regular classroom where I belonged anyway.

Schools dont have a click a lot of the times, not too clicks to rub together to call a sweet clue.

 

[Stac3y]

http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/storysection=news/local&id=7237981&pt=print

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=54683

These are two examples of where teachers told students not to talk about what went on.

I do believe that most schools want parental involvement. But this is in regards to supporting the school, not of the parent being involved in the actual education of their children.

First one is a bad link. Second one is ridiculously slanted. If I have time and inclination (doubtful), I'll research that story and find a less-biased one before I take it as credible. Any article that talks about "the Homosexual Agenda" as if it exists is on par with abduction reports from MUFON.