The lie everyone tells

[Big Don]

Yeah, everyone...
The question is omnipresent, you ask it and answer it every day.

"How are you?"

The thing is, no one really wants anything other than a positive/optimistic response.
Do you ever get tired of lying to answer that question? Do you ever feel guilty about that lie?

 

[seasoned]

Not really, "how are you" is an ice breaker when meeting someone. We want them to say "I'm well", because if they answer any other way then we will get into a loooong dissertation on their whole life. I look at it as a formality. Once out of the way, then we can talk about someone else.

Do you ever get tired of lying to answer that question? No

Do you ever feel guilty about that lie? No

 

[Bill Mattocks]

I once answered "Fair to partly cloudy, sir" to an inspecting officer when I was in the Marine Corps. I became very good at pushups, but I wasn't all that happy about doing them. Now I just say "Fine, sir" when asked.

 

[Sukerkin]

I have to say that I always answer truthfully to this question :lol:. If you really don't want to know then don't ask me .

I tend to couch the answer so as not to stymie further converse (e.g. "Oh, not bad for a Monday morning") or something crypticly 'sideways' (e.g. "How are you?", "Wednesday") .

 

[gocrywolf]

There are ways to answer this question truthfully without being overly negative. Most times if someone asks me how I’m doing I respond by telling them I’m still breathing. That is a nice neutral answer. If I’m not well I say,” I’ve been better”, or,”I’m still breathing, I could complain but it wouldn’t get me very far.” On really bad days I just say it’s complicated because it is. I can relate my mind and heart without telling someone every detail of my life. On a good day I just give someone a real smile, not a forced one and walk away.
respectfully
wolf

 

[crushing]

"Can't complain. It wouldn't do any good anyway. <Smile>"

It sure beats saying, "I considered accelerating into a tree in the median on the way to work this morning." Which may earn one a visit from from some special counselors.

 

[Xue Sheng]

Yeah, everyone...
The question is omnipresent, you ask it and answer it every day.

The thing is, no one really wants anything other than a positive/optimistic response.
Do you ever get tired of lying to answer that question? Do you ever feel guilty about that lie?

No because generally I say "Ok so far" or "You don't want to know" and on rare occasions "surprisingly ok"

I have also been known to respond with "horrible" just to see the other person&#8217;s response and sometimes they are so use to getting "fine" the respond as if I said "fine" and that, to me, is pretty funny.

 

[CoryKS]

It's ritual speech. Don't read too much into it.

 

[Steve]

I usually say one of two things: "I'm AWESOME!" or "Living the dream." Both with enthusiasm. I'm a pretty happy guy, and usually I am living the dream, as far as I'm concerned.

If a friend asks, I might make up something that sounds gross and/or painful: "Oh man. I've got this huge pimple on my butt." Or something like that. Could be a boil, ingrown toenail, something like that. I might say I was sick, but fortunately, I don't think it's SARS (or some other particularly nasty virus/bacterial infection). Just depends on how well I know the person and what kind of relationship we have.

I have absolutely no problem with ritual speech like this, but like to shake it up if I have an opportunity.

Honestly, the only thing that irritates me is when someone presumes to correct another person's grammar.

A: "How are you?"
B: "I'm good."
A: "You're well? That's terrific."

Just strikes me as unnecessarily pompous.

 

[CoryKS]

I have absolutely no problem with ritual speech like this, but like to shake it up if I have an opportunity.

George Carlin had a funny routine about using the same phrase over and over.

 

[Bruno@MT]

Yeah, everyone...
The question is omnipresent, you ask it and answer it every day.

The thing is, no one really wants anything other than a positive/optimistic response.
Do you ever get tired of lying to answer that question? Do you ever feel guilty about that lie?

Funny you should say this. On our side of the pond, it is ok to say the truth if you are not ok, but only if you want people to know and / or talk about it. Otherwise you just say 'I'm ok'. It's like: if you want to broach the subject, that is when there is an accepted opportunity to do so and whether you do or not will determine how the conversation goes from there.

But I've noticed that with Americans, you are indeed not supposed to say anything other than 'fine'. When a colleague of mine had a burnout and came back to work, the (US) CEO asked him how he was, and my colleague truthfully said that he was still recovering and having some issues, and the face of the CEO looked like he did not expect any 'real' answer at all.

Of course, you only 'open up' to people you know and whom you want to have that conversation with. If you're talking with a sales guy or someone like that, the expected answer is indeed 'I'm fine'.

 

[Dirty Dog]

Is it necesarily a lie, or is it just a matter of perspective?

I have an incurable GI cancer. Aug 17th I had 18" of gut and 2 lbs of cancer cut out. But I'm still employed, still training (not sparring, but I did go back to working forms and such 2 weeks after surgery), still diving and still breathing. So when I say "I'm good" or something similar, it's not a lie. Am I perfect? Hell no. But it sure could be (and some day will be)worse. So I'm fine.

 

[Steve]

Funny you should say this. On our side of the pond, it is ok to say the truth if you are not ok, but only if you want people to know and / or talk about it. Otherwise you just say 'I'm ok'. It's like: if you want to broach the subject, that is when there is an accepted opportunity to do so and whether you do or not will determine how the conversation goes from there.

But I've noticed that with Americans, you are indeed not supposed to say anything other than 'fine'. When a colleague of mine had a burnout and came back to work, the (US) CEO asked him how he was, and my colleague truthfully said that he was still recovering and having some issues, and the face of the CEO looked like he did not expect any 'real' answer at all.

Of course, you only 'open up' to people you know and whom you want to have that conversation with. If you're talking with a sales guy or someone like that, the expected answer is indeed 'I'm fine'.

I don't think this is universally true in America. I would suspect that it's very contextual. Some people care; some don't. Depends on who's asking whom and whether it's a casual encounter or the beginning of a more meaningful one. ie, chatting up the cashier at a grocery store vs talking to a friend at the coffee shop. I'd guess that it's very much like it is in the UK.

 

[Steve]

Is it necesarily a lie, or is it just a matter of perspective?

I have an incurable GI cancer. Aug 17th I had 18" of gut and 2 lbs of cancer cut out. But I'm still employed, still training (not sparring, but I did go back to working forms and such 2 weeks after surgery), still diving and still breathing. So when I say "I'm good" or something similar, it's not a lie. Am I perfect? Hell no. But it sure could be (and some day will be)worse. So I'm fine.

Oh man. I'm really sorry to hear this. Glad you're still able to work and train! Last Friday, I found out that a long time friend and colleague had put in his retirement papers. Tuesday, he told me that he has pancreatic cancer and has a pretty grim prognosis.

 

[Vulcan]

The Tibetan language has no translation for "how are you". It simply does not exist as a phrase in their culture, so no lie exists.

 

[girlbug2]

Mostly I wish they wouldn't ask. I hate to lie. But it's easier to deflect the question with the expected answer, or something neutral like "I'm getting by". 99% of the time it's asked, I am not planning on discussing anything so personal with the one who asked me. The truth may make some people uncomfortable, and a rare few would begin to follow up with inappropriate questions.

I try to not ask the question myself unless I really want to know the truth.

 

[Bob Hubbard]

I've learned that people rarely want to hear how you know which side of the neck the knot goes on.......so now I just say "same as always". Keeps the rubber room folks at bay.

 

[MA-Caver]

Yeah, everyone...
The question is omnipresent, you ask it and answer it every day.

How are you?

The thing is, no one really wants anything other than a positive/optimistic response.
Do you ever get tired of lying to answer that question? Do you ever feel guilty about that lie?

Heh, depending on my mood I'll sometimes let the smart-alec out of his cave and I'll answer...
"Well, do you want the long version or the short version?"
99% of the time everyone says (and promptly) "short version" and I answer... "Fine."

The long version goes something like... "Well, I was born in 1961 in Nashville and my family moved up to Northern Virginia when I was only 3 months old where I lived for the first ten years of my life and then...." by that moment they get the drift that they're going to hear my ENTIRE life's story... and quickly shift to the "short version"... which is (and truthfully)... "fine."

Of course everyone is going to answer "fine..." unless they really know you well and then will say "ehh, alright"... or even more honestly "like crap".
It's largely going to depend upon who you know and how well you know they'll lend that sympathetic ear everyone is looking for. The general answer I get is the "I'm alright/ok/not too bad" and that is about as honest as I can expect. Realistically. I'll give the standard answer as well. Not telling the WHOLE truth isn't telling a lie just the truncated version of it all.

A gentleman I know at work tends to always answer "Living the dream." To which I'll ask... is it a good dream today or a nightmare? and he'll give one or the other.

 

[Dirty Dog]

Oh man. I'm really sorry to hear this. Glad you're still able to work and train! Last Friday, I found out that a long time friend and colleague had put in his retirement papers. Tuesday, he told me that he has pancreatic cancer and has a pretty grim prognosis.

Ouch, sorry to hear that. Pancreatic CA is pretty rough, and does have a very poor prognosis. While the cancer I have is incurable, it's also slow growing, so I expect to have a number of active years ahead of me. When I was diagnosed, I told my wife that since it was a slow grower, my plan was to live fast and see if the damned thing could catch me.

 

[Touch Of Death]

Yeah, everyone...
The question is omnipresent, you ask it and answer it every day.

The thing is, no one really wants anything other than a positive/optimistic response.
Do you ever get tired of lying to answer that question? Do you ever feel guilty about that lie?

Its not about lying. Its just a greeting. You are expected to give a positive response, because, if you don't, you will find yourself being avoided.
sean