Dealing with your temper...

[Bill Mattocks]

Lets just say it's a controlled hyper-response? I have realized that anger tends to make people reckless....a controlled (what I call) hyper-response is
controlling the adrenaline,staying relaxed and moving like you're shirt's on fire!
or controlled chaos.I definitely believe there are ways to control your emotion/reactions,be totally pumped up and drive the bus.Besides anger is damaging...recognizing fear and controlling it works for me.It starts in the mind......Two cents.....

Agreed. People talk about the need to control their fear - and argue that fear can be overcome with rational thinking. What about applying that logic to anger?

Actually, there's nothing wrong with fear or anger, basically. The problem is what it causes people to do. Irrational fear and irrational anger can cause some real problems in one's life. If one can master irrational fear, it stands to reason that they can master irrational anger.

 

[blindsage]

Much of anger is a learned response. Much of most of our emotional reactions are. We get certain kinds of interactions and responses growing up that reinforce behaviors and emotional reactions. If you see people getting better with their anger when they train, it's because they are learning to deal differently with situations. The expression of anger is a choice, as long as you accept in the moment that your emotion is more important than your reaction, then you will have outcomes you will probably regret in hindsight. Taking responsibility for our actions requires us to change our ingrained reactions through intent and practice.

 

[still learning]

Hello, "If" anger is a basic emotion....and not learn? Why do some people do not get angry over the same things that happen in life?

Hate is a learn emotion....anger is a learn emotions...and we can all control those emotions....because it is learn and can be change..

Every child wants to be like the people raiseing them up...and they learn to copy any role models around them....!

If it is a basic emotion....how do we get it this " basic anger" is it given to all of us? ....in different amounts? IF it is NOT learn.

Basic emotions - Anger 857 left, Love 3 million left, sadness- 1 1/2 million left, hate 2 left, laughing- unlimited.

Learn or not, given as basic tool for humans....everyone ....CAN CHANGE!

Aloha, ..anyone got change for 2 anger's and one sadness?....looking for one happiness to go!

 

[CoryKS]

Hello, "If" anger is a basic emotion....and not learn? Why do some people do not get angry over the same things that happen in life?

Because we're not clones. Some people have blue eyes. Doesn't mean they learned how to have blue eyes.

 

[blindsage]

Because we're not clones. Some people have blue eyes. Doesn't mean they learned how to have blue eyes.

True, but since traffic is a relatively new, social situation, you'd be hard pressed to convince anyone that someone was genetically hard wired to have road rage. And we might all be born with different thresholds for anger, but given the sheer amount evidence we have through psychology that people with anger issues have them because of their past, it's pretty clear that an 'anger problem' is not just some genetic fact, but a learn behavior pattern.

 

[bowser666]

"That's all BS. There's no place easier to find a fight than where guys are hanging out around the restrooms at a big tournement."

People looking for fights at a tournament in or near the restroom ? Sorry to say but that sounds liek a pack of losers to me that do that crap. Tournaments are for competition and people should act morally and responsibly. Not act liek a bunch of primates. So sad to hear that people are like that. For every step we take forward as man, we take two back it seems.

 

[jks9199]

I had a psych professor give some great advice for dealing with the idiots on the road (and it works for a lot of other things, too).

They're all cows.

That's right -- COWS.

Think about it; you're driving down the road, and a herd of cows ambles in front of you. What do you do? They're just cows... they don't know any better. So you wait... and you don't get wrapped up in yelling at the cows.

 

[Bill Mattocks]

I had a psych professor give some great advice for dealing with the idiots on the road (and it works for a lot of other things, too).
They're all cows.

I expressed my frustrations to a good friend of mine once, saying, "I'm surrounded by idiots!"

He looked at me very calmly and replied, "How did you manage to let idiots surround you, exactly?"

 

[Rich Parsons]

I expressed my frustrations to a good friend of mine once, saying, "I'm surrounded by idiots!"

He looked at me very calmly and replied, "How did you manage to let idiots surround you, exactly?"

That made me laugh.

Thank you

 

[Rich Parsons]

Over on the Wing Chun forum, Mook Jong Man commented on how he got pretty ticked off at some wanker who visited one of his classes. He also remarked that after a long time in the martial arts, he still has a hot temper that's tough to control. His solution is to take it out on the heavy bag.

I certainly sympathise, since I also struggle to control my temper at times. People often say that the Martial Arts are supposed to help you gain self control and discipline. On the other hand, as one friend of mine put it, "That's all BS. There's no place easier to find a fight than where guys are hanging out around the restrooms at a big tournement." How about the rest of you? Has Martial Arts training really helped you control your temper? Or has it just made you better at kicking butt after "loosing it"?

Well I used to let things get to me and let them build up and then when I would loose my temper someone would get hurt.

One could say I out grew it as I got older I did not have to deal with the problem as often. But one could also say all you need to do is pull one stunt in 6th grade and Junior High is taken care of, and then again one incident in 9th grade and people leave you alone. As they know if you are pushed back into a corner you will come out swinging and not being nice about it.

But I then took up Bouncing and security work. I got addicted to the adrenalin and what the fights or altercations can do. But even here, I went through stages, one where I just reacted, and people got hurt. Then I tried to wait and be more mellow and I got hurt and they got hurt. Then I choose to not get hurt. I did not loose my temper here when people got hurt. For when I did loose my temper and yell at people most just walked away thinking I was crazy.

I then took up training in the martial arts. So at this point one could say I went from being a child to teenager to being in college.

I realized that I did not loose my temper. Why I wondered? I realized that if I was upset with someone I would tell them. If they refused to listen or continued to be a jerk I would let them know they were being a jerk and I would ignore them.

But I have found a simple time frame that still gets me. When other people put unrealistic time constraints on me and then I get caught in traffic. I think it has something to do with the people in the vehicle and the "red" lights which are a trigger for danger and anger. If I am by myself and no place to be or not time constrained traffic does not bother me.


As to has Martial Arts helping me, I am not sure. As I stated, I realized that before I started to train I would get upset and then I would tell people. If my voice raised it was because they had their voice raised.


But during my Divorce when I was finding about all the things that were wrong, Bills, collection, foreclosure, repossession, her stalking and trying to get people to beat me up. I would get upset, but it manifested in frustration and crying not in anger or violence. As I tried to explain to the Judge, "Your Honor, I cannot prove a negative. I could ask you when you stopped assaulting your wife and friends, and there is not way you can prove it. I am willing to pay for a complete physical for her and you should only find a broken bone that was documented by Child Protective Services when the hospital reported it when she was in Junior High. She had broke it during a field hockey game in gym." The Judge, smiled and said, "I need no such proof from you sir. If she has proof she can bring it forward. Thank you." It was a small victory at that point but it meant a lot to me.

Loosing your temper gives one tunnel vision and lack of control. It also makes you vulnerable to attack and follow up for legal issues.

So, find a coping mechanism that works for you. If it is the heavy bag, then cool. If it is yelling at your steering wheel in the garage before you go into the house the cool. Just remember it should work for you and those round you as well.

Although, I would go to class early at least once a week and work the heavy bag until I was tired. It had less to do with being a venting tool for temper or anger but just a way to get tired and go home and crash to sleep.

 

[Ronin74]

For me, I'd have to say that it's helped me, but because I "let it".

Aside from having a physical outlet to release tension, I think it's helped me when considering the mindset we're all taught in self-defnese situations, which is to avoid/walk away when it's possible. To me, that incorportated itself into how I think about the different situations at hand. Is it worth getting upset over? Is it something I can let go?

The fact is, we're all probably going to get mad about one thing or another at different points in our lives, but I try to see it as if the moment has passed, let the feelings go wth it. It takes some work, and I'll be the first to admit that I still have my own mental "asses-that-need-kicking" list, but for the most part, I usually remember that it's not worth getting riled up about.

 

[Stac3y]

True, but since traffic is a relatively new, social situation, you'd be hard pressed to convince anyone that someone was genetically hard wired to have road rage. And we might all be born with different thresholds for anger, but given the sheer amount evidence we have through psychology that people with anger issues have them because of their past, it's pretty clear that an 'anger problem' is not just some genetic fact, but a learn behavior pattern.

I would say that the traffic anger problem comes from a very basic, primal feeling: "S/he is stopping me from getting where I want to be!" Think about it; doesn't it make you angry if someone purposely blocks your way? Our instinctive reaction to that is to puff up and get mad and to try to get past them. Of course, traffic isn't really a case of people deliberately getting in the way (well, sometimes it is. Grrr.), but it feels that way. So traffic anger is a matter of inappropriately applying primitive instincts to a modern situation; not a learned response to a "new" situation. IMHO.

 

[Stac3y]

Lets just say it's a controlled hyper-response? I have realized that anger tends to make people reckless....a controlled (what I call) hyper-response is
controlling the adrenaline,staying relaxed and moving like you're shirt's on fire!
or controlled chaos.I definitely believe there are ways to control your emotion/reactions,be totally pumped up and drive the bus.Besides anger is damaging...recognizing fear and controlling it works for me.It starts in the mind......Two cents.....

I find this very interesting. I've noticed that there's a point at which I suddenly feel cold, disengaged from my body and as though I am completely controlled, but from an outside vantage point (this has only happened once, when I was threatened by a knife-wielding idiot). I went from fear, to anger, and then into this state in a tiny fraction of a second. Then I very precisely and efficiently applied a self-defense technique to said knife-wielding idiot and flattened him. There was no hesitation, no doubt; I think controlled hyper-response might be a good term for this.

When I'm just mad and not in fear of bodily harm to myself or loved ones, though, I just throw stuff and holler. And I have a very long fuse, despite my bad temper.

 

[Steve]

Hello, "If" anger is a basic emotion....and not learn? Why do some people do not get angry over the same things that happen in life?

Hate is a learn emotion....anger is a learn emotions...and we can all control those emotions....because it is learn and can be change..

Every child wants to be like the people raiseing them up...and they learn to copy any role models around them....!

If it is a basic emotion....how do we get it this " basic anger" is it given to all of us? ....in different amounts? IF it is NOT learn.

Basic emotions - Anger 857 left, Love 3 million left, sadness- 1 1/2 million left, hate 2 left, laughing- unlimited.

Learn or not, given as basic tool for humans....everyone ....CAN CHANGE!

Aloha, ..anyone got change for 2 anger's and one sadness?....looking for one happiness to go!

As the father of three kids who couldn't be more different, I have to disagree. Nature vs Nurture is an interesting debate. My opinion is that it's a lot of both. Kids are born with certain traits. Looks are more overt than others, as is, perhaps, intelligence. But there are many less tangible traits that children are born with. Work ethic/determination, concentration, curiosity, creativity, athleticism and temper are just a few. These and other things can be either encouraged to grow or mitigated and controlled, but children start with what they were given genetically.

 

[Daniel Sullivan]

Hello, "If" anger is a basic emotion....and not learn? Why do some people do not get angry over the same things that happen in life?

Hate is a learn emotion....anger is a learn emotions...and we can all control those emotions....because it is learn and can be change..

Anger is not learned. The emotion exists as a survival tool, just as fear does. Properly harnessed, anger can be a beneficial tool. When someone has major temper problems, their anger is controling them, so it goes from being a useful tool to being a major hinderence, even a poison in some cases.

If it is a basic emotion....how do we get it this " basic anger" is it given to all of us? ....in different amounts? IF it is NOT learn.

You don't change the amount of anger that you have, but how you deal with your anger and how you allow things to affect you.

There are other aspects of a person's basic personality that feed into how angry they get. If you have a perfectionist personality, you have more things feeding your frustration than someone who is basically laid back.

There are also physiological and emotional reasons. Some people have different levels of testosterone. The higher the level, the more aggression one can have. Some people are depressed, which may make them seem to be more angry. Some people are bipolar.

I'd say that our expressions of anger are often learned, but not entirely so. Some children display expressions of anger that are foreign to their parents.

Daniel

 

[bluekey88]

It's simple...when we talk about emotions, we're talking about two inter-related things...mood and affect. Mood is the internal sensation we feel. It's our basic responses and processing of internal stimuli. Moods arise from the complicated interactions of the neuro-chemical and hormonal systems of the brain-body (yes, it's all one system...there is no mind seperate from the brain....go with me on this).

Affect is our excternal and outward expression of mood. Mood is largely (not enitrely) out of our direct control. Mood happens. Affect is almost enitrely in our control (i.e. I can smile at you even if I don;t like being around you).

Now, when we talk about the varied emotions....keep in mind that there really are just a few basic emotions. these are the emotions seen most often in babies. Anger, disgust, fear, joy, contentment and boredom. Interesting social/psychological studies indicate that these basic emotions are readily recognizable across most 9if not all) cultures. A aboriginal tribesman who has never had contatc with western society woudl recognize the affective expressions of these moods. It's fascinating research to read about.

all other emotional expressions really are just mixtures of these basic emotions. Like primary colors make up all the colors in the world...so do basic emotions.

These more complex emotions are mroe tied to experience...they are shaped up over time (learned if you will) by cultural, familial, interpersonal expereince. Things such as anxiety (related to but not exactly fear), shame, love (romatic), friendship, uncertainty, embarrassment, confidence, etc.

Since these complex emotions are generally "learned" they are more readily changesd...although as they are often learned veyr early on in development, change can be difficult and hard to accomplish.

the basic emotions are not learned....they are based on physiological reactions to stimuli. We cannot consciousl;y prevent this from happening...anger will happen, joy will happen, dsigust will happen....the mood will occur. All we can control is our affect....how we express these basic emotions. But the emotions still happens....the pbsyiological series of changes that underly that emotion still happen.

In short (I know, too late), you can't NOT get angry. Generally, people who don't get angry are just stuffing it (or are really good at managing their emotions when others aren't around). Anger stuffed just festers and does awful things to your emotuional and physical well-being...and sooner or later....it comes out. Later is bad and I've never seen a case where old anger was expressed in a healthy and productive way....and I've worked with my fair share of angry folks.

Tellign someone to smile, to jsut ignore it, in my opinion is bad advice. yes, maybe they need to smile in the moment, maybe they need to cognitively reframe the triggers so as to manage the physiolgoical repsonse...but they shoudl NEVER avoid feeling emotions. We're humans...not vulcans.


basically, feeling is not acting. Feeling is good and necessary...acting, that's a different story and that's all we, as humans really have any control over.

Peace,
Erik

Hello, "If" anger is a basic emotion....and not learn? Why do some people do not get angry over the same things that happen in life?

Hate is a learn emotion....anger is a learn emotions...and we can all control those emotions....because it is learn and can be change..

Every child wants to be like the people raiseing them up...and they learn to copy any role models around them....!

If it is a basic emotion....how do we get it this " basic anger" is it given to all of us? ....in different amounts? IF it is NOT learn.

Basic emotions - Anger 857 left, Love 3 million left, sadness- 1 1/2 million left, hate 2 left, laughing- unlimited.

Learn or not, given as basic tool for humans....everyone ....CAN CHANGE!

Aloha, ..anyone got change for 2 anger's and one sadness?....looking for one happiness to go!

 

[bluekey88]

There are other aspects of a person's basic personality that feed into how angry they get. If you have a perfectionist personality, you have more things feeding your frustration than someone who is basically laid back.

Now here you're getting into the area of temperament...Jerome Kagan did a lot of great work on this. It's another part of the personality/emotion puzzle...temperament basically speaks to how reactive one is to different stimuli. It's generally fixed before birth and is stable throughout ones life...not learned. Some people are highly reactive, others less so...and is tied into the all that stuff I mentioned in the previous post.

Good Daniel.

Peace,
Erik

 

[qwksilver61]

Let me add that anger will drive a person......maybe in the wrong direction.What I understand about Wing Tsun..or what I have been told is that Wing Tsun is part Zen...eventually we are supposed to train ourselves to let happen what will,our reflexes once honed will drive you where you need to be without any forethought...That is why SNT is part meditation...do it without too much thinking,your mind knows what to do...why strain.My then Dei Sihing Steve brandon explained it as; "when you are about to crash..you respond...you don't take time to map out the plan!" emotions are what happens when you are ill prepared!"....(of course there is the adrenaline...you just have to know how to tap into it and re-route)anyone ever catch something or Bong someone or Pak someone by accident?

 

[still learning]

Hello, Thank-you for you thoughts and insights about emotions.

Can we learn to control our anger responses? ....Yes! Everyone can...!

Aloha,

 

[Cirdan]

Interesting topic. I think I am less likely to respond to a physical attack such as a slap to the face with anger now than before. However things like the pc not working and ppl not showing up at the agreed upon time can still really tick me off. If I do get angry I am more likely to shout than before, possibly because of a certain thing called Kiai. I will sometimes get peed off in traffic but I won`t let it affect my driving, the potential price is too high.

I don`t agree that the restrooms of a ma gathering would be an easy place to pick a fight, at least not the ones I have been to.