Here this will help you out nocturnal_. It's 10 years old, but it
it perfectly. Pay
The Challenge FAQ 4.0 - Suitable for Calorie-Reduced and Low-Sodium
Diets
"Sometimes he deserves a killin' and sometimes he doesn't deserve a
killin' so if you're going to kill someone, make sure he deserves a
killin' " - W. Hock Hochheim
Whaddya say, people? Isn't it time we stopped giving our money to the
lawyers and started giving it to the undertakers? Sure it is. It was
good enough for our ancestors, and it should be good enough for us.
And it never did them any harm - why, they lived in a halcyon age
where teenagers were respectful and didn't dress oddly, and the sun
was always shining except on the way to school when, inexplicably,
three feet of snow fell overnight, and hills slanted against you both
there and back. But I digress...
1) Getting Started - the Challenge
Of course, there are so many ways that this can happen. Rarely does
it occur because of personal insults. Typically it is a response to
someone refusing to see that the Sweet & Holy Light of the Universe
shines out your ***.
1a) Are You Talking to Me? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
Characterized by belligerence, posturing and a thin skin. The most
common form of challenging, often engendered by the incorrect belief
that everybody will agree with you and rally to your cause. Things
escalate because nobody rallies to your side, and you look like an
idiot with your *** dangling in the wind. Lots of smoke, but not much
fire. Often, but not exclusively, the parvenu of someone who hasn't
been posting long.
1b) You Are So Full of ****, I Mistook You for a Porta-Potty at
Woodstock
Characterized by utter disbelief at another's assertions. Utterly
common point of view, but usually stays at the flame war level.
1c) But Sokitumi Sensei Told Me Our Style Can Defeat any Outrageous
Number of Armed Attackers
People resent having their illusions shattered, or even questioned -
more so when that belief has been propped up by an old man with a
thick accent. It probably tugs at some psychological level untapped
since childhood, when Santa's sleigh disappeared over the Atlantic,
the Sandman was arrested for throwing grit in children's eyes, and ice
cream cones weren't filled to the bottom.
2) Various Levels of Understanding the Niceties of Challenges
Okay, so most universities don't offer credit in Code Duello anymore
(even as an elective! Why, it makes me furious I can tell you... but
I digress), and can therefore be excused for not having all the
details down. We'll just hit the high points.
2a) If You Accept my Challenge, Can I Sleep on Your Couch?
All onuses are on the challenger to cover travel costs, find
accommodations, propose acceptable limitations, etc. All the
challenged has to do is either accept or refuse the challenge,
although historically choice of weapons, time and location were
usually up to the challenged. It is somewhat unsporting to deny a
challenge out of hand, but the challenged is not obligated to accept
the offer.
The Trav Clause: Trav may elect to pay for one of the challengers to
come to a venue of his choice and sleep with the fishes - er, on his
couch. Don't say you weren't warned.
2b) Retreat, Regroup, Repeat
There are many things in your life done in the heat of the moment that
you will regret later. Here's three: getting drunk in Las Vegas,
visiting a tattoo parlour while drunk in Las Vegas, or challenging
someone. Offering a challenge, and then adding/changing conditions is
a common way of trying to back out while attempting to maintain some
dignity. The problem is it doesn't work - your dignity was shot to
shreds a while ago and all this does is reinforce the widespread
belief that you are a poseur. Popular variations include "my
technique is too deadly," "a true martial artist doesn't lower himself
to fighting," and "my mom won't let me."
Emin Boztepe & Royce Gracie is a good example. (Although not RMA
participants, this non-event was precipitated by RMA discussion - way
to go, and better luck next time)
2c) Gentlemen, Take 10 Paces, Turn and Fire
Both sides up to it, understand how these things work, set it up.
About as common as a pair of brown shoes at a tux rental shop.
(Carl and Gi, Mike and Chas)
3) What Constitutes a Challenge?
With the modern standards of incivility, it can be difficult to decide
whether somebody is actually trying to fight you, or merely
communicating using Standard God-Damn North-****ing-American English.
3a) Oh yeah? You Talk Tough for Somebody on the Other Side of the
Atlantic!
A challenge does not consist of offering to fight somebody, telling
him or her to come visit, and boasting of victory when the opponent
does not immediately run out to catch the next flight into town. This
is sort of like tapping somebody on the arm, and then running away
claiming that you used 'dim mak' and are therefore the victor.
3b) Come to the Clambake - If You Dare!
The word "challenge" does not necessarily need to appear in
discussions to make it a challenge. Choose whichever euphemism you'd
like, call it an "invitation" if that makes you feel better -
certainly nobody else expects tea and cucumber sandwiches to be
served. Hell, call it the Death-Jamboree if you need to, just don't
let semantics get in the way of a good fight.
(Chaplain-X "inviting" Chas)
3c) Whaddya Mean You Didn't Hear About My Challenge?
Grumbling to yourself in the car, writing a letter and losing it
behind the couch, or taking out a classified ad in the local paper do
not constitute issuing a challenge, and certainly don't give you
bragging rights. C'mon now, you're trying to get somebody to fight
you and it does require *some* effort.
3d) Ignore the Man Behind the Curtain
Ah, the joys of newsgroups, where nobody knows you're a dog (well,
except for your habit of occasionally lapsing into "grrrowf! Rowf!" in
your messages). Unfortunately, it is impossible to issue credible
challenges *and* remain an anonymous, gutless troll. If you are going
to challenge, you will need to leave your bomb shelter or mom's
basement long enough to stand up and be identified. Of course, if you
were able to do this, you wouldn't be a *real* troll in the first
place, so this section perhaps applies only to the several species of
lesser troll: the spotted troll, whooping troll, wide mouth troll,
prepubescent troll, etc..
When both parties have agreed to a particular date for the challenge,
Gichoke will grab anybody showing up at his door on that day and toss
them into his basement. If only one person shows up, he wins by
default. If a person self-identifies as one of the trolls in
question, he will be considered to be that troll. If more than one
person claims to be a particular troll, a voir dire challenge match
will settle identity issues before the main event.
3e) Challenges are Personal Property - Just Like Toothbrushes
Occasionally someone will get a little steamed about another poster's
comments, and would dearly love to challenge him if it weren't for
troubling thoughts about spending a week in a hospital as a result.
The temptation is then to act as an instigator and have the object of
your disaffection fight someone else.
Sorry, but any challenge you make must involve yourself.
Gichoke & Wang Hai Jun and numerous hangers-on
3f) All Students Who Are Absent, Please Raise Your Hand
Okay, a challenge must involve more than one person, whether or not
they are trolls, post under pseudonyms or any other affectation of
Usegroups. Imaginary people are not allowed to issue challenges.
Walt Hanlon and Gichoke
3g) And Sometimes It *Doesn't* Quack Like a Duck
The following will not be considered valid forms of challenge matches:
Musical deathmatch
Ping pong deathmatch
Poetry deathmatch
4) Challenges - the Denouement
There are few ways that challenges finish, and typically they are (as
Chas might say) like being pecked to death by ducks. Slow, painful,
humiliating, and kinda annoying, frankly.
4a) Reality Bites
The combatants meet, fight. Can anybody remember where this has
actually happened with RMA participants? Anybody? All I can hear is
the sound of crickets... Hello? Is this thing on? I know, I know,
I'm asking somebody to admit to possibly committing a felony, but help
me out here.
4b) Tune in, Turn On, Weasel Out
Emin Boztepe & Royce Gracie
Tim & Gi
Fu/Ollie & Gi
Disappear, wait for the heat to die down, hope nobody remembers it
when you start posting again. An alternate version is to try and exit
the mess by saying you will never, ever, ever post to RMA again, at
least until next week. Common.
4c) Gee, You Looked Smaller on the Internet
Fight or flight, what a dilemma. So he opens the door in response to
your knock and looks waaaay down at you. You note that his smile is
composed entirely of steel teeth and that his eyebrow piercing is
actually a large fishhook. Do the only sensible thing possible and
refrain from making a threatening move. Although you have been told
that it is a myth that animals can smell fear, perhaps now is not the
time to find out.
Don Miller meeting Mike Sigman
4d) I Have Met the Enemy, and He is Us
Carl & Gi - everything going swimmingly, neither side being a baby,
logistical problems nix it. Both sides agree that neither was being
duplicitous or evasive. Rare but not unheard of.
Mike & Chas - Mike visits Chas, demonstrates (amicably) what the hell
he is talking about, Chas is man enough to say he was mistaken and
gives an in-depth account of Mike's internal skills on RMA.
5) Instructions to Spectators
There are two distinct phases here: before the challenge, and at the
challenge.
Before the challenge, when things are being openly debated in this
grand forum, input from spectators is necessary to remind the
participants that somebody cares. As Oscar Wilde said, "the only
thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." Show
them you care with a steady stream of comments - actual content is not
obligatory. In fact, it could be a distraction to the fighters.
They're busy working themselves into a frenzy, and you're asking
logical, thoughtful questions. Well, knock it off!
At the challenge is a different matter all together. Seeing how
challenge fights are, well, illegal, perhaps you shouldn't make a
scene in case it is being videotaped. Wear clothing you don't mind
burning when it is all over. Do not hold up signs that say "John
3:14" and avoid bringing large foam-rubber hands inscribed with "Kick
Him in the Groin" or "Choke Him Unconscious".
Don't distract the participants. They have enough on their minds
without a schmoe like you yelling, "your shoelace is undone." Polite
golf-tournament clapping perhaps would be most appropriate. For a
particularly spectacular technique or graphic injury a demure "My
Goodness!" or "Here, here! Good show!" is the sign of a considerate
spectator.
6) Location, Location, Location
Where to have your challenge match is as important as who to
challenge, and what to challenge them about. In fact, the location of
the intended match has managed to spike several RMA challenges before
they ever made it to the starting line (Tim & Gi, Carl & Gi, Emin &
Royce).
Therefore, in the interest of speeding these things along, the
official RMA challenge facility is declared to be Gichoke's basement.
He's promised to sweep up a bit before you get there, honest.
Alternate location is Trav's backyard.
A third alternative is the random urban setting, in case neither of
the previously listed venues is available. A two square block area is
marked out on a map. The challenger attacks from surprise, giving the
defender an affirmative defense with the authorities if he prevails.
7) Deathmatches
So many of us are realizing what the poets have known for a long time:
namely, chicks dig guys they think are "sensitive." This, of course,
explains the popularity of Tai Chi. The other thing that the poets had
right is that a tragic death earns the memory of you a certain
immortality. In recognition of that, the death match has a certain
appeal in the minds of some.
Really, the rules for a death match aren't all that different from
your regular challenge. Okay, so you are trying to kill your opponent
- that's a pretty big difference - but otherwise the above information
applies. As for etiquette, it is the hallmark of a courteous fighter
that before offering or accepting a fight to the death, you really
should let everybody know what your win/loss record is in death
matches.
The only other point is just a suggestion: be kind to the viewing
audience and agree to the use of weapons in your death match. People
are busy these days and won't be able to devote the time necessary to
watch you and your opponent bludgeon each other to death with your
fists. When choosing a weapon note that bigger is better, with one
exception - "serrations." A fight to the death between two men armed
with grapefruit spoons will grant you a legacy that will last a
lunchtime.
If you can't think of anything, Jeff/Batman has suggested bowling
balls. No, I don't understand either - must be a Texas thing.
And the thought occurs to me that any deathmatch that arises between
the pro-gun and anti-gun factions will be entertaining, definitive,
one-sided and mercifully brief.
8) The Dress Code
But what is considered the "must-have" outfit for Challenge Matches?
A matter of some debate, I admit. Speedos! say some. Street clothes!
say others. Flowing sequined robes with a big Carmen Miranda fruit
hat! say a merciful few. Perhaps the less said the better, other than
it should be appropriate to the challenge (no cheating and wearing a
suit of armour unless that was part of the thread that provoked the
challenge). The only definite rule is for shrouds: white sheets only,
please, and do not steal Mom's best sheets.
9) Prizes, Prizes, Prizes
Amazingly, there's more awaiting the successful duellist other than
bragging rights and possible legal action. Tell 'em what he's won,
Johnny!
You will receive a hand-made shillelagh from Kirk Lawson, cookies
lovingly baked by Karen Nagai, and the much-coveted Brilliant Martial
Sage Unrivalled Under Heaven certificate. How could anyone resist
such wondrous encouragements? Now get out there and Fight! Fight!
Fight!
10) The RMA Code Duello
Now, as to the actual rules of the challenge.
i) All challenges shall involve only the two principal members of the
discussion that precipitated the challenge. In the event that a
thread on surviving multiple attackers sparked the challenge, all will
convene in a small town bar, where the patrons will be encouraged to
provide complementary boxing lessons.
ii) All challengers will be accompanied by a second. However, since
most of you people don't have any friends, scratch that.
iii) In the unlikely event that a challenge arises from a "How to
defend against a dog" thread, suitable dogs will be acquired from the
local pound, and outfitted with the usual lasers, knives and other
digressions that abound in such threads.
iv) The match will not be considered to be in progress until one or
both participants have lost an eye. Until that point, the challenge
will be considered to be "all fun and games."
v) A winner will be automatically declared if one of the participants
is unconscious, incapacitated, dead (see section 6), is missing one or
more limbs, says 'Uncle', or is otherwise unable to continue. At no
point may a fighter declare that the other fighter was correct in his
or her RMA assertions, as the opportunity for adult behaviour is long
since past (if it ever really existed in the first place).
vi) All challengers are to refrain from eating the corpse of their
opponent, unless the thread that provoked the challenge had to deal
with the martial capabilities of biting, or the winner is a silat
practitioner. If the latter, bring a barbeque and peanut sauce.
vii) If a referee is to officiate at the match, the position must be
filled by a Catholic priest, Irish, preferably named Father
O'Flanagan. This is doubly important if the challenge arose from the
ubiquitous "Christianity in the MA" thread.
viii) Nobody's mom is allowed in.
ix) Please note that the judicial system does not recognize Trial by
Combat anymore. ...Frickin' lawyers gone and spoiled everything.
x) Challenges involving tai chi practitioners will take place at full
speed.
xi) All participants are to govern their actions with strict attention
to courtesy and decorum as... Cough, cough... Okay, I know I'm not
fooling anybody with this one.
xii) If the "Delayed Death Touch" is used, the impending time of death
must be announced in advance - much like calling your shot in pool.
Both participants must then sit in chairs until the appointed time. A
death occurring within 10 minutes of the agreed-upon time will
constitute a victory.
xiii) In the event that somebody is challenged to enter a tournament
of a style different from their own, they will be governed by the
rules common to the tournaments they are used to. Eskrimadors, leave
your knives at the door when you enter the TKD tournament. TKDers,
just stay away from the Vale Tudo tournament.
xiv) Video and merchandising rights must be claimed by
non-participants only. The only permissible forms of merchandise
include: t-shirts, posters, and commemorative drinking glasses. Those
figurines with the big, bobbling heads are strictly forbidden.
xv) Any challenger wishing his corpse shipped to his preferred place
of burial must provide sufficient funds for shipment by bus before the
challenge begins.
xvi) Any casualties not claimed by relatives 5 business days after the
challenge will be fed to the creatures that dwell in the dank pit in
Gi's basement.
xvii) Any bets must be paid up within 30 days of the RMA announcement
of the completion of the challenge.
11) The Official RMA Deathmatch Challenge Application Form
Okay folks, print it out, photocopy it a zillion times and send it out
to everyone you know.
Dear...
__ Sir
__ Ma'am
__ Troll
__ **** for Brains
__ Esteemed Colleague
__ Randomly Chosen Opponent
Due to your recent rec.martial-arts postings regarding...
__ knives
__ my mother
__ traditional arts
__ dogs (please indicate here __ if lasers are involved)
__ left/right wing politics
__ sport vs. street
__ grappling vs. striking
__ length vs. width
__ crotchless leather mini-hakamas
And in the tradition of fighting arts since the dawn of time, except
for certain masters trotted out by people insisting that martial arts
were never intended for anything but self-discipline, I demand you
meet me in Gichoke's dank basement for...
__ a challenge match
__ a deathmatch
__ hot man/man action
Please note that as I train in...
__ Ninjitsu
__ Greenoch
__ An art inferior to the two mentioned above
...My victory is assured.
Signed...
__ Sensei
__ Sifu
__ Master
__ Vogon Diplomatic Corp Commander
(insert last name)
In conclusion, in the hustle and bustle of everyday life it can often
slip our minds that threats of violence over the Internet do not
solely belong to creepy guys who drive white vans slowly and
erratically in school districts. We *all* have a responsibility to be
as belligerent and fractious as possible to those around us. Let us
not slough off our duties onto the poorly-socialized among us but
instead take comfort in knowing that violence is truly the world's
only universal language.
Badger Jones
http://members.rogers.com/badger
www.geocities.com/marxistdetective/taunting.htm
