I do know what my problems are. I constantly feel like what I do is never good enough, that's low self-esteem. I constantly seek positive reinforcement from others to help my self esteem problem. (Hence the sparring and fights)
I know it sounds trite, but you first have to esteem yourself. We all want most people to like us. But that is not only unrealistic, but unhealthy. Some people aren't worth being liked by, or are actually detrimental to our reputations and self image. When you really like what you see in yourself, then those few who don't like you will not be important. Again, you have to like yourself first though, to be able to make that assessment.
My ego is large and at the same time fragile, I constantly do things to make people think I am strong and tough. Things such as lift weights, during the busiest gym hours so the more people can see how strong I am. I work out on the heavy bag when there are many people in there for the same reasons.
Your ego does seem large. But it is your self esteem that is fragile. You pay lip service to knowing that in the next paragraph.
As a result of the ego problem which stems from low self esteem I give people too much power over me. They can basically influence how I feel by calling me weak ect. In short I care way too much about what other people think regarding my abilities when I shouldn't care at all.
Well, it is OK to care, up to a point. How do you give people power over you? Or do you misunderstand how to feel good about yourself, and try to please everybody all the time, in different meaningless ways? People's words can indeed hurt, and the more you doubt yourself, the more power they will try to exert. Do you see they have their own problems? They try to build themselves up at your expense. If you know your worth, they can't do that.
Pretty much everything I do is for other people's opinions and first impressions. Wearing tight shirts, wearing sleeveless shirts, flexing too much. The things I do should not be for other people but for myself.
So what are you going to do about that?
Fight with my uncle and beat him in a Judo match in front of my family, key term, in front of family. If they weren't there at all I probably wouldn't even had done it in the first place. Get in a fight with some douche a party, again, probably would have done nothing if it didn't threaten my ego which must be enormously awesome.
To me that sounds like you aren't feeling wrong, or at least minimally wrong, mostly I interpret you to be trying to shift blame.
I get it, if you don't believe I get it simply because I am not angry, then I don't know what to tell you.
I want to say that is nice, not being angry. But you have displayed such anger at others in your dojo and your family, I don't think I can agree with you.
