Leaving it at the Door

[Em MacIntosh]

I'm not trying to compare my life but I'm going through a tough time and find it difficult to keep my frustration in check. I'm doing the best I can but I get shaky, unable to concentrate and feel like I'm inches from blowing up, screaming and putting holes in the walls. I've been unable to meditate, deep breathing doesn't help. I can't afford therapy and the gov't doesn't grant money for it. I feel if I'm unable to be there I shouldn't go but it's all I've got to take my mind off things (though, it doesn't seem to be working). Anybody got any ideas about what I should do?

 

[Drac]

Throw yourself into your training..Focus your entire being on the lessons being taught..When you enter the dojo you enter a completely different world, NOTHING ELSE EXSISTS except Sensei and the lessons..Do you own a heavy bag?? Work on it..DO NOT GIVE INTO THE URGE TO DRINK, take that from someone older who has been there a few times..

 

[shesulsa]

Try to make an appointment with yourself for yourself to use time to ponder these issues, feel your feelings, AND KEEP THE APPOINTMENT.

Try to arrange your self-session to start with a feelings purge (weep, beat up a pillow, write frustration down), then set about constructing or repairing something material which requires your attention or something you'd like to make and focus on the task at hand. While doing so, think of some solutions - focus on the logical problem as though it were a friend with the same problem and brainstorm ideas.

Try to remember the bottom line is solutions are arrived at through work and it isn't always pleasant. Your frustration, pain and anger are the equivalent of your sweat when you work out.

It's good training if you can manage it.

Good luck, good training and good life to you. :asian:

 

[jks9199]

I'm not trying to compare my life but I'm going through a tough time and find it difficult to keep my frustration in check. I'm doing the best I can but I get shaky, unable to concentrate and feel like I'm inches from blowing up, screaming and putting holes in the walls. I've been unable to meditate, deep breathing doesn't help. I can't afford therapy and the gov't doesn't grant money for it. I feel if I'm unable to be there I shouldn't go but it's all I've got to take my mind off things (though, it doesn't seem to be working). Anybody got any ideas about what I should do?

Many churches or ministers provide counseling, often at little or no cost. At least some will do so even if you're of a different faith, and will avoid proselytizing.

I'd also suggest that you take the time to figure out what's stressing you out so much, and take positive steps to address it. If the problem is a girlfriend -- maybe it's time for a breakup. If the problem is financial -- there are places to get help. If it's a bad work situation -- check the want ads. Find something to move towards a positive solution.

 

[Rich Parsons]

I'm not trying to compare my life but I'm going through a tough time and find it difficult to keep my frustration in check. I'm doing the best I can but I get shaky, unable to concentrate and feel like I'm inches from blowing up, screaming and putting holes in the walls. I've been unable to meditate, deep breathing doesn't help. I can't afford therapy and the gov't doesn't grant money for it. I feel if I'm unable to be there I shouldn't go but it's all I've got to take my mind off things (though, it doesn't seem to be working). Anybody got any ideas about what I should do?

Having gone through a divorce that even years later when I recommended the lawyer to a friend, he referred to it as his third most remembered case he had. Case number one he was able to prove someone charged with Murder Innocent. His second case was someone charged with Attempted Murder as being innocent. So, given that others seem to think it was bad as I do not have a reference to judge by.

I was working to just get caught up on bills, I ate very little not because I did not wish to eat but I could not afford it. I did not have a credit card. The statements made by the ex in court were attrocious. I was very very depressed.

I was lucky enough to be able to seek counsiling. One of the things he recommended was that I do things that made me happy. Even if I had to pretend to be happy at first. Over time I would begin to just be happy with the actions.

I did talk to my seniors and my peers in class so as to allow them to know when I was having a bad day, that I would work out, but I would not spar for fear of hurting someone else. I did find showing up early and just working the heavy bag for 5 to 15 minutes really helped me a lot. I was able to just hit something. I was able to just get into the techniques and work my body to make it just move.

Now of course one cannot be at class the whole day. I took up walking, as I could get up at work and go for a walk around the building and just work on walking and the exercise. I walked at home and at night. (* Always take ID with you, incase you ar stopped by a police officer. *)

I also took up painting miniatures. I used to do this, and I started again. It was something that required one to concentrate and to do. It was detailed work with a completion, and with something you could look at and say yes I did that and like that.

Now, I know that many people cannot do exactly what I did as they are differnet than your interests. You need to find something(s) to do and to be able to just do.

As to seeking help, sometimes one can talk to a religious person. If one is religious or has religious connections many times they will listen to you and or try to help.

Sometimes you have a really good friend who will listen.


Shesulsa mentions the time that is yours. I agree with this. I would sometiems use my walking time or push mowing my lawn as that time to exercise and think as well.


I wish you the best, in what ever the situation you are in right now in your life.

 

[Ceicei]

Many years ago, I was very angry and stressed, and had been for quite a while--I had not recovered from a very traumatic event--and I was also very distrustful. I came into the dojo. My instructor took one look at me and invited me to a heavy bag. I screamed, hit, kicked, took out everything I had on that heavy bag until I finally collapsed from exhaustion. My instructor stood by silently watching. When I finally stopped and sat there on the mat crying, all he did was walk up and sit next to me, still silent. It was then I explained to him all what had happened. He just listened. That was a turning point to my recovery and allowed me to learn to trust others again.

A few years ago, I had an big argument with my husband and left the house very angry. That also was right before a private lesson. I came into the studio in that frame of mind. My instructor looked at me and he could see that I was in no condition to learn anything new at the moment. He decided to put me through a very grueling workout; basically, he worked me until I got totally exhausted. When I finally calmed down through exhaustion and was able to listen, he shared some words of wisdom--even though I had not told him why I was angry. (I guess I am like an open book). I left the studio, no longer angry, deep in thought about what he said, and returned home. My husband and I finally resolved the issue.

Basically, what I am saying is that I had two important things for me: A place I loved where I could go to be myself and people who knew how to be a good friend.

If you can, find a place or activity where you can be yourself. It doesn't have to be in a dojo/studio. It can be an activity that allow you to think and release some energy. Some suggested walking or mowing the lawn or making/repairing something. It doesn't have to be with other people. This will allow to work off some steam and to give you an opportunity to think over your situation and some ideas.

Find someone you feel comfortable to talk with--a counselor, a hotline, a family member, or a friend. This sometimes helps to sound out what is going on and knowing someone else is listening. Sometimes you may get valuable feedback as well through a different perspective.

We're all here for you.

- Ceicei

 

[Kacey]

I can't really add anything to Ceicei's wonderful post - just reiterate that we're all here to listen if you need to talk.

 

[Hawke]

Many churches or ministers provide counseling, often at little or no cost. At least some will do so even if you're of a different faith, and will avoid proselytizing....jks9199

He beat me to it.

Find someone you feel comfortable to talk with--a counselor, a hotline, a family member, or a friend. This sometimes helps to sound out what is going on and knowing someone else is listening. Sometimes you may get valuable feedback as well through a different perspective.

We're all here for you.

- Ceicei

What she said.

Write a journal of your pain to help you focus where the challenge may lie in your path. Take the time to put your feelings into words. Who are you mad at? Why are you angry? Do you blame anyone else? Can you change the outcome or relationship? (this is to nudge you to write....these are your private thoughts....keep them private).

The past is the past. Do not stay in the past. Learn from the experience. If possible correct any wrongs that might have been done to create a better future.

Volunteer to help others so you can see how your life affects others. You do make a difference.

Your life is a gift. Now do something special with it.

Others have given you sage advice. People much wiser than me are here to help.

May you find peace.

 

[Last Fearner]

Hello Em,

Others have given good advice and helpful guidance, and perhaps you should seek professional help through a source which considers your financial situation.

In the mean time, since your apparent dilemma sounds rather serious, I am going to talk to you as a Master Instructor - - the way I would talk to one of my students. :mst:

I'm going through a tough time

You are not alone. I don't mean to diminish your experience, but you must realize that many others have gone through, and are currently going through very similar trials in life. Take comfort knowing that the hard times will pass, and things will get better no matter how bleak they may look at any time in the present.

and find it difficult to keep my frustration in check.

finding things "difficult" does not make them impossible. Frustration is based on a lack of options coupled with an unwillingness to accept things as they are, and a lack of patience. It is not bad or wrong to want to change things for the better, even if others in your life disagree with, or attempt to interfere with your desire to change. Also, keep in mind that it is perfectly ok, and sometime necessary, to accept things as they are for a temporary period, but be patient as you diligently seek viable options.

I'm doing the best I can

Or, perhaps you are doing the best you know how at this time, because you are capable of doing better. Don't blame yourself, or anyone else for what is not satisfactory in your life, but do take responsibility for how you react to it. Reacting with anger, violence, or aggression is inappropriate, impolite, and often counter-productive, and you can do better than that!

but I get shaky,

why? What is control of your body? Answer: Your brain. Who controls your brain? Answer: You do. Think about this. A person who is nervous about entering a dark room because they are afraid of what is inside might shake with nerves. When the light comes on and they can see that there is nothing there to be concerned with, they don't shake. It was their fear of the unknown that fed into their irrational emotional concerns. Likewise, a person who gets angry at another person and begins to shake is not in control of themselves because they don't like not being in control of the situation or the other person.

RELAX! You CAN NOT control other people (free will), only influence them. You don't need to control every situation, just control your responses, and the choices you make concerning yourself. Sometimes the good of one choice for yourself conflicts with the good of another choice for someone else. These conflicts arise and must be dealt with, but through logic, and with calm emotions.

unable to concentrate

I've been unable to meditate,

"unable" means "not able." Are you really not able to concentrate, or is it "difficult." When concentration is difficult, get better at it. Practice focusing your mind. Practice letting go of issues for a period. Realize that the Earth will continue to rotate, and all things will not crumble if you are not tending to them. Be at peace with yourself for a period of time every morning, afternoon, and night. Enter your training hall with one purpose in mind... to clear your mind of all distracting thoughts and open your mind to becoming a better person. Easier said than done??? WRONG!!! Easier done that said!!! Don't talk about it... don't whine about it... just do it!

and feel like I'm inches from blowing up, screaming and putting holes in the walls.

Why? What good would that do? When has screaming and putting holes in the walls done anything positive to resolve an issue. I know! I used to do that - - learned it from my father. It scares people - - intimidates them. They might even back off and leave you alone for awhile, or cooperate with you out of fear. Is that really what you want? (don't you dare say yes!). Don't be that kind of person! Don't become the one known for being "unable to control" their temper. It is your temper, your emotions, and your brain to control.

"Blowing up" is an expression that implies an explosion. You are not really going to "explode" like dynamite, even if you think it feels like you will. You are not! Not physically. Physically, things are not going the way you want them to (for whatever reason). Mentally, you do not seem to find any options to get things on track the way you want them, and others might not be cooperating with you. You don't know what to do about it! You want to leap into action, or force people to do what you want, or at least leave you alone to do things your way!!! Emotionally you want to be happy, but you don't feel happy because things are not going your way, so you want to speak your mind to others, or perhaps you are getting angry with yourself. Emotionally you are conflicted because you want to respond but are suppressing those emotions because they might make matters worse, or escalate arguments, hurt other people's feelings, and nothing seems to be getting worked out!

Things will work out, in due time. Your anger, violence, and any emotional outbursts will not help the situation. Learn to express yourself to others calmly, honestly, and openly so they can know exactly what you are feeling, what you are not happy about, and why. Let them absorb it, and take time to work out a solution with you. Often times a compromise will help to move things along, but if you do not see their cooperation, then move things in a direction that you feel comfortable with regardless of how they feel about it. If possible, or when necessary, explain to others why you are choosing your course of action, but do so calmly, and politely. It is your life, and you are in control of it. But first, take control of yourself.

deep breathing doesn't help.

What do you expect deep breathing to do? Solve all your problems? Put your mind in the right place and make you calm? Remember this... nothing is going to "make" you calm (aside from drugs, and that is in severe cases under doctor's orders). YOU have to choose to BE calm. When you sit to meditate, you should stop thinking about the problems.... trust that you can get back to them later. Your top priority during meditation should not be to solve your problems, but to prepare your mind to handle conflict better. DEEP Breathing is good for your health. It helps to stimulate the brain. If you focus your mental concentration on picturing the air flowing into your lungs, doing wonderful, healthy, helpful things to your mind and body, then picturing it flowing back out again - - over, and over, and over, this becomes a focal point and a distraction so that you can relax and meditate properly. It is a skill. Practice it - - daily!

I feel if I'm unable to be there I shouldn't go but it's all I've got to take my mind off things (though, it doesn't seem to be working).

unable??? NO! You are able to be there. What are you there for? To address your weaknesses, and become a better, stronger person. We all have flaws and faults. Don't be afraid to draw yours out to the surface for everyone to see. Be strong, be honest, and be brave. Train for the right reasons and use the time wisely. Hopefully, your instructor can help guide you through this so ask for a private conference.

Suggestion: Avoid using words like "I can't" or "I am unable to." They are limiting your options, and are generally not true and accurate. Keep an open mind, and a positive attitude. The grandfather clock is peaceful and continues to gently swing its pendulum back and forth, even in the midst of a violent storm. Be like the clock. Remain steady and calm.

I am not judging you, and my interpretation, which is based on what you have said thus far, might be completely off. It is based in Martial Art philosophy and not to be construed as professional mental health advice. If my input helps, then great! If not, perhaps it will help someone else along the way. Either way, I'm not going to get angry, depressed, or upset about it.

If you would like to PM me about this, feel free to do so.
Chief Master D.J. Eisenhart

 

[Boomer]

All of these seem like good advice, and I've been where you are, so without adding too much I'll just say this:
Imagine you had a friend in your exact position. Everything exactly the same. What would you tell him to do?
This will help you be objective with events relative to your life. I hope this works for you.
Good luck, and don't quit fighting.

 

[Tez3]

Different people, different views, all good advice, just like a family, your family Em. As Ceicei say, we're here for you.

 

[qi-tah]

I'm not trying to compare my life but I'm going through a tough time and find it difficult to keep my frustration in check. I'm doing the best I can but I get shaky, unable to concentrate and feel like I'm inches from blowing up, screaming and putting holes in the walls. I've been unable to meditate, deep breathing doesn't help. I can't afford therapy and the gov't doesn't grant money for it. I feel if I'm unable to be there I shouldn't go but it's all I've got to take my mind off things (though, it doesn't seem to be working). Anybody got any ideas about what I should do?

Hey em, sorry to hear that yr having such a ****** time. Sounds like there are heaps of good suggestions for you on this thread... i especially agree with Ceicei's stratagy of working/training to physical exhaustion, if nothing else, it will ensure that any insomnia is kept to a minimum!

Don't beat yrself up about the meditation thing, do something more active if that suits you.
I also find it useful as a mindfulness practice to give myself a treat everyday (nothing special, just something nice like a really good beer or a cruise on my m'bike) and for that time i really immerse myself in the idea that i care enough about myself to give myself this simple pleasure, whatever it is. Even during the worst time of our life, our days are full of simple pleasures if we know how to appreciate them.

Mate, i don't know what yr problems are but i hope you get through them ok and they don't drag on. Oh, and if yr going to hit walls, do it with a palm, not a fist, hey? Best advice i've ever received!

All the best

 

[OnlyAnEgg]

I agree with all the fine posts thus so far.

Above all, do nothing, chemically, to dull this. Life process have to be worked through in order to be resolved.

I am quite on the side of throwing yourself into training. There's nothing like pure exhaustion to give you nothing to think about.

Be well.

 

[Drac]

I am quite on the side of throwing yourself into training. There's nothing like pure exhaustion to give you nothing to think about.Be well.

It worked for me, I was too tired to think abut anything but sleep..

 

[CoryKS]

I'm not trying to compare my life but I'm going through a tough time and find it difficult to keep my frustration in check. I'm doing the best I can but I get shaky, unable to concentrate and feel like I'm inches from blowing up, screaming and putting holes in the walls. I've been unable to meditate, deep breathing doesn't help. I can't afford therapy and the gov't doesn't grant money for it. I feel if I'm unable to be there I shouldn't go but it's all I've got to take my mind off things (though, it doesn't seem to be working). Anybody got any ideas about what I should do?

One thing that works for me is to set aside some time by myself and to consider my problems as if they were happening to somebody else. For some reason, it seems easier to look at a problem rationally and unemotionally if it's not my problem. I think I give myself better advice this way. I hope you find a method that works.

 

[Em MacIntosh]

I would like to extend my thanks to everyone on martial talk and espeacially those of you who've replied to this thread and wish me the best, as I do you. Every day we get a little wiser. Sometimes this comes at an emotional price.

 

[Balrog]

I'm not trying to compare my life but I'm going through a tough time and find it difficult to keep my frustration in check. I'm doing the best I can but I get shaky, unable to concentrate and feel like I'm inches from blowing up, screaming and putting holes in the walls. I've been unable to meditate, deep breathing doesn't help. I can't afford therapy and the gov't doesn't grant money for it. I feel if I'm unable to be there I shouldn't go but it's all I've got to take my mind off things (though, it doesn't seem to be working). Anybody got any ideas about what I should do?

Talk to us here on the board. A lot more of us have been in similar situations that you might imagine, and we might be able to offer some insight from the school of Been There, Done That.

And Mr. Heavy Bag needs to become your best friend. Warm up, then spend 5-15 minutes just beating the hell out of that bag. Concentrate on your technique and maximizing your power. The workout will help accomplish three big things:

1. The exercise will trigger an endorphin rush, so you will have the positive feeling that comes from exercise. That will overcome depression. Believe me, I know that from serious experience. I suffer from clinical depression, and that bag, for me, is better than any drug that could be prescribed.

2. Focusing on your technique will take your mind off whatever is bugging you, and give your mind a chance to "catch its breath" so to speak. It often will lead to clarity of thought and will enable you to see solutions that you couldn't before.

3. Your technique will improve, and you should feel happy about that.

 

[JBrainard]

I'm not trying to compare my life but I'm going through a tough time and find it difficult to keep my frustration in check. I'm doing the best I can but I get shaky, unable to concentrate and feel like I'm inches from blowing up, screaming and putting holes in the walls. I've been unable to meditate, deep breathing doesn't help. I can't afford therapy and the gov't doesn't grant money for it. I feel if I'm unable to be there I shouldn't go but it's all I've got to take my mind off things (though, it doesn't seem to be working). Anybody got any ideas about what I should do?

I am reviving this "old" thread only because I am currently going through something similar to what EM was going through (just replace "frustration" with "depression"), and after reading all of the responses to the OP I was reminded of all of the things I should (and should not) be doing to keep my head in check.
I just wanted to thank everyone who posted on this thread.
:asian:
John

 

[Shotochem]

I am reviving this "old" thread only because I am currently going through something similar to what EM was going through (just replace "frustration" with "depression"), and after reading all of the responses to the OP I was reminded of all of the things I should (and should not) be doing to keep my head in check.
I just wanted to thank everyone who posted on this thread.
:asian:
John

Sorry you're feeling that way. When I feeling depressed, Mr Heavybag just dosen't work for me as well as for anger, stress, and frustration.

What always worked for me was to call up an old friend and spend some time doing something completely pointless or visit with one of my older realitives who was very near and dear to me. Visit the nieces and nephews, kids have a way of cheering you up without even trying.

What I'm saying is don't stay alone curled up in the fetal position.

Get out there with friends and loved ones and they will pull you through.

-Marc-

 

[IcemanSK]

I am reviving this "old" thread only because I am currently going through something similar to what EM was going through (just replace "frustration" with "depression"), and after reading all of the responses to the OP I was reminded of all of the things I should (and should not) be doing to keep my head in check.
I just wanted to thank everyone who posted on this thread.
:asian:
John

John & Em:

I will ecko what has been said about you not being alone. I would encourage you both to seek counseling, friends, as well as to continue training & other things you enjoy doing. I've been in a similar place & it is what helped me.

You are both in my prayers.