I don't talk to Aggressives

[Gerry Seymour]

After reading over a bit, I would like to share another experience of mine:

One person approached me and was leaning in close and coughing. He apologized if he made me uncomfortable. He asked for money, and we discussed his situation. I divulged some information for him. I said that I am a street performer looking for percussionists. I said that I can't offer him money but I can offer him a position for work. He didn't seem interested and left.

You messed up his script. He probably has answers for a lot of responses he gets all the time (including rude ones). He has no response for "I need a drummer".

 

[snake_monkey]

Let me try to draw some conclusions from what you posted. Let's say this guy came up looking shifty, like maybe he's trying to scam for some money. (That's not usually aggressive, but we might have some differences of usage here, creating confusion.) Yeah, you might rightly feel you don't want to deal with what he's doing. But the response you used is likely to lead many people (probably most) to feel offended, which is opposite to your aims (offended people rarely just leave you alone).

See what I'm saying about how your reaction affects the next step in the chain? Without that initial dismissive "no", you might have avoided the rest of the confrontation.

Yes, I see exactly how that works and how the following result would be affected. I was operating under the pretense that by saying the word no, I was defining a clear boundary. To be specific the boundary was that I did not want to answer to any favors requested of me at that time.

I have learned from this experience and from this discussion. Thank you.

 

[drop bear]

I had my head bashed into the cement ground repeatedly when I was still in high school I can’t remember three days of my life. Other incidents on top of that. I’m sorry I lashed out a bit here

Same but with vodka.

 

[frank raud]

Yes, I see exactly how that works and how the following result would be affected. I was operating under the pretense that by saying the word no, I was defining a clear boundary. To be specific the boundary was that I did not want to answer to any favors requested of me at that time.

I have learned from this experience and from this discussion. Thank you.

The word "no" may define a clear boundary, but you continued to reply to whatever the other person said. As you were responding, you were not in control of the conversation or the scenario. That the scenario eventually de-escalated doesn't appear to have been due to you not talking to "agressives".

 

[frank raud]

Yes, I see exactly how that works and how the following result would be affected. I was operating under the pretense that by saying the word no, I was defining a clear boundary. To be specific the boundary was that I did not want to answer to any favors requested of me at that time.

I have learned from this experience and from this discussion. Thank you.

The first "no" never sets a clear boundary in a conversation or negotiation. Any salesperson who accepts the first no, wont be making sales. When dating, accepting the first no means you probably wont get laid much.. Think about this, if you saying no set a clear boundary, why did you continue to talk and engage with this person? If the boundary is not clear to you, how could it be to another person ? Your basic premise is you don't talk to aggressives, yet in both your examples, you do just that. Obviously, how you deal with Max and his wife Zelda from the great state of Kansas will probably be different than how you deal with a crackhead on the street.
PS. I actually met Max and his wife in downtown Montreal when they were attending a Shriners convention. And yes, that is how he introduced himself to me on the street as he approached me.

 

[snake_monkey]

Could it be that you perceive aggression where it doesn't exist?

I had taken 2 or 3 steps out of the revolving door before it felt like I was bombarded by this guy walking up on me, I wasn't expecting to be approached exactly as I stepped out of the building, if they had given me a few moments I would have felt more comfortable. It felt like I was being targeted and with all these experiences happening I have been getting more and more paranoid about being targeted. (I don't know if there is an underground community or if they are connected at all, but I'm having trouble shaking the feeling.)

Another recent experience: Someone who didn't seem like they wanted anything else but a fight touched me on my shoulder when walking out of a revolving door recently for no apparent reason, but it was intentional, as they watched me eye to eye walk through the door and waited to touch me, then made eye contact again and stared at me as they left.

Edit: seems like a simply mistake without all the staring in the eyes and upon approaching the guy this is what he said (that it was a mistake) however he continued to escalate the situation and I just left (I shouldn’t have even approached the guy but I was really curious why he did that)

 

[snake_monkey]

The word "no" may define a clear boundary, but you continued to reply to whatever the other person said. As you were responding, you were not in control of the conversation or the scenario. That the scenario eventually de-escalated doesn't appear to have been due to you not talking to "agressives".

I simply couldn't think of a title for this thread.

 

[snake_monkey]

The first "no" never sets a clear boundary in a conversation or negotiation. Any salesperson who accepts the first no, wont be making sales. When dating, accepting the first no means you probably wont get laid much.. Think about this, if you saying no set a clear boundary, why did you continue to talk and engage with this person? If the boundary is not clear to you, how could it be to another person ? Your basic premise is you don't talk to aggressives, yet in both your examples, you do just that. Obviously, how you deal with Max and his wife Zelda from the great state of Kansas will probably be different than how you deal with a crackhead on the street.
PS. I actually met Max and his wife in downtown Montreal when they were attending a Shriners convention. And yes, that is how he introduced himself to me on the street as he approached me.

'No, sorry' could be better *shrug*

 

[pdg]

I don't know if there is an underground community or if they are connected at all, but I'm having trouble shaking the feeling.

So would this underground community just be targeting you?

 

[Gerry Seymour]

'No, sorry' could be better *shrug*

Actually, would be significantly better. Almost anything that softens the "no" reduces the dismissiveness others will perceive.

 

[snake_monkey]

Thank all now I have a script for when someone asked to use my phone which was the favor asked in this case. (Sorry I didn’t share that earlier just didn’t come to mind).

Anyway My script is that I can’t lend it out to anyone because I use it for digital media production but I’m looking for drummers.

 

[snake_monkey]

So would this underground community just be targeting you?

I’m not going to let a post like this feed me negative thoughts however I will say that the guy who was coughing and spitting on me as he leaned in while he spoke said that he has seen me a lot. I keep my eyes peeled and I had never seen him. I don’t have a lot to work with so this it’s definitely a stretch and trying to keep it in context.

 

[jobo]

So would this underground community just be targeting you?

some people are a lit more prone to this than others, its tied up with your mode of dress, your posture and your appearance in general, if one persons perceives you as a soft touch for a bit of intimadatioary begging, then their a good chance other will come to the same conclusion

 

[frank raud]

NSFW Some swearing.

 

[Gerry Seymour]

I’m not going to let a post like this feed me negative thoughts however I will say that the guy who was coughing and spitting on me as he leaned in while he spoke said that he has seen me a lot. I keep my eyes peeled and I had never seen him. I don’t have a lot to work with so this it’s definitely a stretch and trying to keep it in context.

Some folks trying to create a false intimacy use lines like that. Nothing about it requires any kind of conspiracy - it can just be a lie.

 

[Flying Crane]

Also, how many of those that comment here live in a crowded city with so many shelters closing down due to lack of funding and other issues that cause people to live on the streets and approach people aggressively for panhandling or other reasons. How many of those people are violent and unpredictable? I am just trying to stay balanced through all of this and you do not know what issues I deal with personally or on what level I deal with them and please do not ask as I am not willing to discuss personal issues here. It’s easy for you as a martial artist keyboard warriors to make judgements but yeah I’m working things out and just looking here for some advice and discussion not to be judged but judge away and I will delete this thread. Sounds like a have a chip on my shoulder well maybe I do but is that wrong? I’m just sharing, I’m sure you are not perfect in every part of your life but I’m not judging.

I lived in San Francisco for many years, with what is probably one of the worst levels of what you describe. I have had very few, and very rare instances such as you describe.

So yeah, I do know, I have been there.

 

[Flying Crane]

I see a skunk or a raccoon on the street and I run the other way if I don’t have a stick. I don’t believe people are as civilized in today’s society as most would appear to be so a 5’9 175# human coming close to me and I’m unarmed? You best believe I have my guards up. Headhunter I liked your constructive comment. Others have posted just complete judgments and plus I get extremely defensive on the intranets sometimes.

If I had a stick and a skunk or raccoon was coming at me, I would back down. Especially the skunk.

 

[Buka]

I wish you had all grown up in Disneyland like me.

(and don't be jealous of the shoes)

 

[O'Malley]

NO ONE IS AGRESSIVE, OKAY???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[snake_monkey]

So I was just walking down the street today with earbuds on (nothing playing). Someone asked me something, I took the earbuds out to pretend like I was listening however even so the guy was mumbling. I said 'Sorry, I can't help you'...He stared at me as I walked away.

I grew up in NYC (now in Chicago)...and was around this a lot, I just have felt like I'm in a pressure cooker in the area in which I work, and of course my methods have not always been correct, in this case I'm trying to correct my reactions going forward. Thanks all again, for the discussion. BIG THUMBS UP TO MT!!!