Have you learned any thing??

[Orange Lightning]

Why is it not better to imagine your self as unbeatable?

I don't know if this is relevant, but I read something I think I agree with in Autumn Lightning. The idea was to not try to have a fervent desire to win, because that puts a pressure on you. Instead, just want to not lose. The change in mindset will let your mind and reflexes act more naturally and effectively than if you were "trying to win", trying to do moves perfectly and use the right moves and react well and strategize and so on, all while nervous from pressure. Instead, you'll just act as you feel you should, as you've trained to.

2 cents.

 

[kravazon]

@kravazon, this is super thank you for taking time to post! I LOVE your “one more time” learning! I too believe this.. and I see it as proof that there are no limits to what we can do except those we impose on our selves, this is awesome thank you x
Let me ask you, what do you think a person would learn that would be to their benefit from having to take a slice of humble pie? Why is it not better to imagine your self as unbeatable? I like your bullet points btw.. you are organised of mind I think? Thank you again, Jxx[/QUOTE]

Ha! Yes, organization is a huge part of my job.

On the question around taking a slice of humble pie, I think it's two-fold. It's partially about ego. I still feel like I can do (just about) anything, but ego can really affect how you learn. I can learn a lot from others, even (and sometimes especially) if they're younger or less experienced in something as simple as the questions they ask. When you let ego get in the way, you block yourself from those opportunities.

The other, related part is that when you learn something you didn't know before, you start to realize how much you don't know. When you first start learning you see the tip of the iceberg, but there's a whole world of ice below the surface. It's a fun, daunting thing to realize.

What a super fun to think about! You've got me down a big rabbit hole. GREAT questions! I'll be thinking about this all night.

 

[kravazon]

I don't know if this is relevant, but I read something I think I agree with in Autumn Lightning. The idea was to not try to have a fervent desire to win, because that puts a pressure on you. Instead, just want to not lose. The change in mindset will let your mind and reflexes act more naturally and effectively than if you were "trying to win", trying to do moves perfectly and use the right moves and react well and strategize and so on, all while nervous from pressure. Instead, you'll just act as you feel you should, as you've trained to.

2 cents.

YES! This too! Anytime I'm aiming for perfection (in anything, not just MA), I respond poorly. In life, if I'm aiming for perfection, I might not do anything at all. It's the pressure. This is something I struggle with. I like this idea of trying not to lose, instead of trying to win. It's a twist that takes off a lot of pressure.

 

[ks - learning to fly]

@ks - learning to fly, Aha perhaps we can all be experts in hypotheticals.. nobody else can assail our position since it is all hypothetical any way haha..
Can I ask you ks, which would be more important do you think in these deserving / not deserving to take on leadership roles? that YOU feel you deserve to be in the position, or that some one else that appoints you feels you deserve to be in the position?

..that's an interesting question..and a hard one, because I think most people have been in the position where we know how hard we've worked and how much we've sacrificed in order to be in a desired position and then haven't received it.. On the other hand, when someone thinks enough of us and our abilities to award us that position - it can be very flattering.. To Illustrate, after being laid off a job I held for 16 years, I made the decision to go back to school at the age of almost 40..I knew it would be difficult, but I also knew that I didn't just want a job anymore, I wanted a career. I was also aware that - after graduating - I'd be competing with people half my age so I gave it everything I had - all 4 years. After graduating with a 3.86 GPA, I worked a couple of jobs in my field, but FINALLY almost a year to the day after I graduated - I got a call for a phone interview with my top choice for employers - after 7 submitted resumes, they finally called. And - after 3 interviews - I was hired. Hard work - check, sacrifice - check, guaranteed - no way! But - in the end - there are no guarantees and also, no shortcuts...sometimes, you do what you want to do and sometimes you do what you have to do and, God willing - things work out.. I'm not sure if that answers your question, but in my experience - I don't think it's a matter of 'importance'..

 

[Orange Lightning]

..that's an interesting question..and a hard one, because I think most people have been in the position where we know how hard we've worked and how much we've sacrificed in order to be in a desired position and then haven't received it.. On the other hand, when someone thinks enough of us and our abilities to award us that position - it can be very flattering.. To Illustrate, after being laid off a job I held for 16 years, I made the decision to go back to school at the age of almost 40..I knew it would be difficult, but I also knew that I didn't just want a job anymore, I wanted a career. I was also aware that - after graduating - I'd be competing with people half my age so I gave it everything I had - all 4 years. After graduating with a 3.86 GPA, I worked a couple of jobs in my field, but FINALLY almost a year to the day after I graduated - I got a call for a phone interview with my top choice for employers - after 7 submitted resumes, they finally called. And - after 3 interviews - I was hired. Hard work - check, sacrifice - check, guaranteed - no way! But - in the end - there are no guarantees and also, no shortcuts...sometimes, you do what you want to do and sometimes you do what you have to do and, God willing - things work out.. I'm not sure if that answers your question, but in my experience - I don't think it's a matter of 'importance'..

3.86. Nice. Magna Cum Laude! I bet that looks great on a resume. I got my Associate's just yesterday with 3.4. 0.1 away from getting Cum Laude status. Damn.

 

[Xue Sheng]

Currently using something else from martial arts (Zhan Zhuang) to help me learn how to let go. The meditation from standing is relaxing and allowing me to think about what I am facing.... tomorrow actually and then more permanently in the fall.

My oldest is going to spend the summer in China with family and he comes back for one month and then off to college. Been tossing this around in my mind for a couple months, but a couple weeks ago, after the Dachengquan seminar, I realized that some how zhan zhuang was helping.

 

[ks - learning to fly]

3.86. Nice. Magna Cum Laude! I bet that looks great on a resume. I got my Associate's just yesterday with 3.4. 0.1 away from getting Cum Laude status. Damn.

3.4 is nothing to sneeze at! Well Done! And - thank you!

 

[Jenna]

@Orange Lightning, you are interesting to talk with.. you have an empathy to see people as people.. Do you think your empathy for another might be a hindrance in a situation where you must defend your self against them? or is it rendered irrelevant in the shock of that circumstance?

I believe I understand what you mean about self-criticism and I take your view.. I think it is one commonly held by most.. and but I think if I were to critically assess my self I would not be doing quite the same thing as if I were being self-critical in the way it is generally meant. To my mind being self critical is to appraise ones self negatively almost to the exclusion of any thing that might be otherwise considered positive.. to disclude those potentially positive aspects.. Maybe to critically assess I would feel was more objective and account for good and bad.. How does that sound to you? I mean to be self-critical is like hating on your self.. i think that is the phrase..

There is a wisdom in how you would deal with your hypothetical students.. it is plain you have been in or through certain personal situations and have not left them behind without learning from them.. I like this.. it is the sage way to journey.. And yet you do not teach, perhaps you do not have the opportunity? though you have said “not even close”.. that would make me ask what is it that creates distance between you and teaching? Thank you again for your view and thoughts, Jx.


@kravazon, I know what you mean about ego hindering our ability to learn from all possible sources of wisdom.. it is wise too on your part to see this truth.. And yes I have heard this too about reaching the stage where you know what you do not know.. I have a slightly different view of that same sentiment from some thing I was also shown by a much wiser head than mine.. that I already know every thing I need to know.. I just have not learned that I know it yet I wonder can I ask for your thought about that humble pie.. since it is not so nice to be forced to eat humble pie, is there a way do you think to teach some one humility with kindness instead? How could you teach humility to another person who, like you say, is bound by ego? It is useful for me to hear your thoughts, thank you Jxxxx


@ks - learning to fly, I remember like you ks that feeling working hard and not receiving what I felt is proper due recognition.. I would like to ask you ks, besides thinking that people treat us unjustly some times, what can we learn about us our selves from that about how we are or how we act or what we think? Is there some thing we can understand so we can make that situation good for our selves that we do not feel upset or despondant? Perhaps it hs no good answer.. I wanted to ask you because I liked how you answered my question in very much your own way.. I think you are a woman that stand up for her self.. and have possession of independent thinking.. I have admiration for these in others.. so any way that is why I am persisting in asking xxx


@Xue Sheng, Zhan Zhuang meditation sounds awesome. Could you say how does this meditation help to let go? How does it address our need to hold on? It would be interesting and useful to know how this works, thank you and all of my wishes to you and yours for flow and adaptability in the face of change or uncertainty for I think that is never simple, Jxxx

 

[Jenna]

I don't know if this is relevant, but I read something I think I agree with in Autumn Lightning. The idea was to not try to have a fervent desire to win, because that puts a pressure on you. Instead, just want to not lose. The change in mindset will let your mind and reflexes act more naturally and effectively than if you were "trying to win", trying to do moves perfectly and use the right moves and react well and strategize and so on, all while nervous from pressure. Instead, you'll just act as you feel you should, as you've trained to.

2 cents.

YES! This too! Anytime I'm aiming for perfection (in anything, not just MA), I respond poorly. In life, if I'm aiming for perfection, I might not do anything at all. It's the pressure. This is something I struggle with. I like this idea of trying not to lose, instead of trying to win. It's a twist that takes off a lot of pressure.

Can I ask you both would the techniques you use be different due to that mindset change, I mean particularly within a fighting/defensive situation do you think? If so, how? and if not, does this imply that how you think is more important than what you do in that fighting or defensive situation? Thank you very kindly, Jx.

 

[Xue Sheng]

@Xue Sheng, Zhan Zhuang meditation sounds awesome. Could you say how does this meditation help to let go? How does it address our need to hold on? It would be interesting and useful to know how this works, thank you and all of my wishes to you and yours for flow and adaptability in the face of change or uncertainty for I think that is never simple, Jxxx

It gives me the space to think and look at things from a different perspective with much less..."OH MY GOD what if something happens" moments.

Zhan Zhuang is standing meditation and you are not thinking of internal or external or anything really. You do pay attention to your alignment at first but after that all you do is just be.

 

[Orange Lightning]

Can I ask you both would the techniques you use be different due to that mindset change, I mean particularly within a fighting/defensive situation do you think? If so, how? and if not, does this imply that how you think is more important than what you do in that fighting or defensive situation? Thank you very kindly, Jx.

I don't think techniques would be too different. At least, I wouldn't think so. I'm no self defense expert but, with all that adrenaline going through me, I can't help but think I would react different than if I was in a calm state of mind. I've made the personal decision to attack instantly if I perceive a serious threat. I think I would move on the first opening I saw with the hardest, most fight stopping move I could muster at the time, followed by a flurry of whatever next thing I could throw first. Not give the other person the chance to do so much as think about how to react.
But that's only my guess as to how I would behave in that situation. I don't know for sure until I'm there.
I would definitely say that your mindset is just as important, if not more so, than your skill. It affects your thinking ability and fighting behavior. If for example, you feel that your defending yourself from someone you think you have little chance against due to their strength or skill, it will be apparent. I've read about "decision failure" where the black belt is trying to decide the best move to use, and in the middle of that, POW he gets socked with a sucker punch and a haymaker.
That, versus an serious belief that you need to overcome your opponent, and that you can....the difference is apparent.
And then there's even legality. What you really believe you're trying to do could get you in trouble if you rely on the wrong thoughts to guide your actions.

you are interesting to talk with.. you have an empathy to see people as people.. Do you think your empathy for another might be a hindrance in a situation where you must defend your self against them? or is it rendered irrelevant in the shock of that circumstance?

I believe I understand what you mean about self-criticism and I take your view.. I think it is one commonly held by most.. and but I think if I were to critically assess my self I would not be doing quite the same thing as if I were being self-critical in the way it is generally meant. To my mind being self critical is to appraise ones self negatively almost to the exclusion of any thing that might be otherwise considered positive.. to disclude those potentially positive aspects.. Maybe to critically assess I would feel was more objective and account for good and bad.. How does that sound to you? I mean to be self-critical is like hating on your self.. i think that is the phrase..

There is a wisdom in how you would deal with your hypothetical students.. it is plain you have been in or through certain personal situations and have not left them behind without learning from them.. I like this.. it is the sage way to journey.. And yet you do not teach, perhaps you do not have the opportunity? though you have said “not even close”.. that would make me ask what is it that creates distance between you and teaching? Thank you again for your view and thoughts, Jx.

You have a interesting and insightful point. I don't know if I could ever armbar someone or do something of similar brutality. No matter how dangerous the situation was. No qualms about pounding them though.
In a similar regard, I don't know to what degree I could prevent myself from getting involved in something in a way that perhaps I shouldn't.

You've hit the hammer on the head about how I think about self criticism versus critically assessing yourself.

I don't teach for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I don't think I've reached a point where I should be teaching. I do feel that I can explain things to people that don't know, but not to have students. I have tried to teach some people with casual interest about some basics, but those have been rare occurrences. I think I still have plenty of learning to do myself. Case in point, I don't have a belt. In anything. Quite unfortunately, I'm a self trainer. I've been training at home for a long time in ways that I can. I'm well aware of the many shortcomings. Can't help myself though. Gotta train. Gotta discuss. Actually, I would wager I'm more aware of the shortcomings than most everyone here. I don't feel like getting into that though. It's a really dead end conversation and pointless discussion. I'm not going to argue in favor of self training. It's terrible. Although, the common perception does seem to be that it's much worse than it actually is. You can progress, but you have unlimited obstacles. You need to figure it all out on your own. Which, for some things (like pressure testing), is impossible. I do have the advantage of knowing an someone who used to be pretty good at Shorin Ryu Karate and Boxing that I can run stuff by. And the internet, for various questions I might have. Most recently, this site is my new favorite source.
Anyway, having recently graduated, I'm very close to getting a job and joining a TKD school at a YMCA that's a minute away from my college. Something I'm very eager to do, because I've been looking at opportunities to go to a school for my whole life, but circumstances have not allowed it. On the subject of exactly how terrible self training really is, I'll see when I make it to that school.

 

[ks - learning to fly]

@ks - learning to fly, I remember like you ks that feeling working hard and not receiving what I felt is proper due recognition.. I would like to ask you ks, besides thinking that people treat us unjustly some times, what can we learn about us our selves from that about how we are or how we act or what we think? Is there some thing we can understand so we can make that situation good for our selves that we do not feel upset or despondant? Perhaps it hs no good answer.. I wanted to ask you because I liked how you answered my question in very much your own way.. I think you are a woman that stand up for her self.. and have possession of independent thinking.. I have admiration for these in others.. so any way that is why I am persisting in asking xxx

Hey Jenna - I think this incident from my life in 2003 can help answer this question - 12 years ago, this month actually - I got jumped in Detroit..to keep a long story short..I ended up with 4 broken ribs, 2 black eyes, a broken nose and kick marks on my right side stretching from my shoulder to my knees..when they guy that did it drove away..I was left broken and bleeding in the rear parking lot of my hotel. After finding my glasses which had been knocked off..I remember thinking I should go inside and find some help..so I tried, and tried again to stand up - after 10 long painful minutes, I stood up. In the 6 months following the incident, I went through a LOT of sleepless nights and wondered over and over again what had I done to cause the attack.. You ask - what can we learn about ourselves when we are treatly unjustly - about how we are and what we think... I think when we are treated unjustly, there is - initially - a period of shock..as in - what did I do to cause that to happen to me and - once the shock wears off - you work at coming to terms with what happened. In my case, I just had to remind myself that sometimes, bad things happen to good people and yes it's unfortunate - but it happens.. I think the most important thing I learned from that incident is that sometimes, the hardest and most necessary thing you can do is to stand up. It would have been tremendously easy for me to lay there and feel sorry for myself, but not only is it not who or how I am, but I am also not the type of person to sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me by

 

[kravazon]

Can I ask you both would the techniques you use be different due to that mindset change, I mean particularly within a fighting/defensive situation do you think? If so, how? and if not, does this imply that how you think is more important than what you do in that fighting or defensive situation? Thank you very kindly, Jx.

I agree with @Orange Lightning. I don't think the techniques themselves would change, but it's less daunting to not lose vs trying to win.

I've been thinking about this pretty hard. Yes, I think it's more important how you think in a fight/defensive situation than how you fight (meaning the types of strikes you throw). In Krav Maga, one of the biggest things they teach you in level 1 is aggression. You have to know in your gut that you deserve to live and be safe. To allow yourself to fight for it. I train with a lot of new people who don't have the mindset that they can (or should) be aggressive. It's all in their heads. And once you give them permission to be aggressive and to push hard you see a drastic improvement.

If someone were to attack me out on the street and I think I should just give in, because I can't possibly win, then I'm going to lose.

But if someone attacks me and I think I am capable of defending myself, that I deserve to defend myself, then at least I have a fighting shot.

Specifically on the topic of not losing vs winning... the first thing I think of is that the likelihood that I'd be stronger than an opponent is unlikely. I'm a 125lb lady. So I might lose at strength, but I can win overall in brains, in aggression, in desire to survive.

 

[Orange Lightning]

By the way @Jenna , I am enjoying this conversation too.

 

[Zero]

@Zero, thank you for your comment, I am interested in what you have written and I would like to ask a couple questions if that is ok with you? When you say you “managed to disengage” your ego would you be ok to share what was your process of doing this as it seems most of us act according to the dictates of this ego in us. It would be interesting and useful to know how you managed that if you are ok to share..

Also, when you said you have been known to come out of left field and “ put some pain or intimidation on people that have been mistreating others” I can understand that desire to protect others. Can you tell me how did you feel when you intervened in the case you describe? I appreciate your reply, thank you, Jx

Hi Jenna, sorry not to have responded earlier, work kind of went hectic the last week. Thanks for your questions.
Disengaging the ego:
Actually, through my teens and into young adulthood/tweenhood up to around 23, I guess, I was pretty bad at disengaging my ego and also in controlling my aggression (two different things but one feeds so well off the other...). I was never one to shy away from a confrontation and to be honest while I never went out looking for trouble, I was hot-headed enough to turn something that could have easily been avoided or simply ignored into trouble.

It was when I had started doing goju-ryu karate around 23 that I began to get things into perspective - maybe this could also have coincided with me actually "growing up" and maturing in any event. After training we would often have chats with the senseis about life/fights/things to watch out for on the streets/etc. My sensei told me that once I get others in my life that I care for, then their safety, and also my staying alive and sticking around to be there for them, becomes paramount. It became pretty clear to me from his teachings that it really does not matter what someone says to you on the street or in the work place or anywhere, this can all simply be ignored. The same applies to a wrongful bump, etc. These things seldom actually harm you, they are an irritant at most. And, even if you proceed to beat up the guy that was trying to instigate something, what have you proven? Simply that you don't have control of your emotions and that you allowed someone else to goad you into a response they wanted you to take...that's not too impressive. I finally realised this.

I think the other aspect was that the tournaments I was entering into in karate were full contact, they were kyokoshin and kick boxing tournaments and the training for those was also very hard. When you win a few fights and tournaments, this gives you all the confidence that your worthless ego may have been craving for and you soon realise there is nothing to gain from a sober or half drunken fight at night. Even being beaten in tournaments helps your self-esteem, as it gives you a clear indication of what your abilities are and more importantly, that you can take a licking and get back up again and on with training, it makes you resolute.

Intervening:
You know what, I did not really feel much emotionally when I intervened. I don't know what that means or says about me really. It angered me and made me feel a sense of outrage seeing others being mistreated and/or hurt but when I decided to step in I think emotionally I was pretty cold (I'm going off recollection here, so that is what it is...). I certainly did not have any "super-hero, here comes the hero" kind of feeling.

 

[Jenna]

@Xue Sheng, Ah yes.. the omg.. yes.. and when we worry over the “some thing” that might happen, we are worried about the other person in that situation.. are we also worried about us and how we will manage?

And when you say how you “just be”, what do you be? Do you ever be some thing you are normally not?


@Orange Lightning, It is interesting you say you do not know how you will behave in a situation because you are not there.. it is interesting because you are considering how you will act though you are not ther.. do you think some people believe there is a greater likelihood for them than others of being in a situation where they will be required to defend their selves? I mean why do some of us consider this a risk significant enough that we train our selves for its probability? Is it our life experiences that determine this evaluation of risk or our outlook on how the world and other people are? What do you think?

“Decision Failure”? ha I can picture this phrase under one of those motivational posters – suitably illustrated

And you are more aware of your shortcomings than most every one here? that is an interesting position to adopt.. is that a beneficial way for you to be do you find? And are there times when that is not your position?


@ks - learning to fly, goodness that is quite a trauma you have mercifully come away from though I see you have post trauma symptoms sleep disturbance negative cognitions or self evaluations also.. I hope you have got some relief from this my friend.. I am so happy you are here and training and posting for us to read.. wishes xxx.. I know Detroit.. it would be the place for this to happen.. I had my purse stolen though that was all.. You have such an awesome outlook after what had happened.. I think your survival experience is a very valuable one.. there are many who I work with who I try and try and but I cannot open them into that outlook that you have found..

Can you suggest or recall any of how you came out of the valley of that negative thinking and ruminating over the horrible trauma of what happened? That would be so useful to know.. I mean I find it is seldom quick or ever easy to build esteem to get women back to the place where they are self-validating and can do just what you say ks and STAND UP.. I wonder do you have like a blog or some thing where you write? Your story is fantastic because you are an example not just of surviving and but of winning.. I think you are a winner from all of that.. and if you do not post online I understand and but I hope your experience of overcoming is to the help of others xxx


@kravazon, I appreciate your thinking.. you have taught me how you see this working as a mindset change in practice. There are some wise KM practitioners on here too and but I wonder from your perspective how you your self would teach some one –particularly women survivors I work with– how to know in your gut you deserve to live and be safe and to be aggressive and push hard.. I like this.. though I find it a long route to show this at times to women.. not only do they not want to hurt.. they do not want to do any thing at all except take what they are given.. your thoughts would be useful to me a lot xxx


@Zero, I appreciate you taking time and I hope your work is treating you fair.. Your honest view of your self make it easy to listen and trust what you have written thank you..

You have said some thing.. “My sensei told me that once I get others in my life that I care for, then their safety, and also my staying alive and sticking around to be there for them, becomes paramount.” that resonate with me so much I am inclined to ask you Z are you in this situation now of having others in your life whose safety you care for? I am interested in what ‘clicked’ with you in this depiction that made you change from deliberately NOT avoiding confrontation to seeing this bigger or wider picture? I mean there must have been one particular situation you would have normally reacted agressively to that you did not.. do you remember this?

You use the term worthless ego.. can you tell me a bit more about why you say your ego is worthless? I do not at all disagree.. I would like to know how you come by this description?

And regarding when you intervened on behalf of another.. ha I like that you were not suited up like Spidey lol.. only one thing strike me and I wonder of my self.. why are other people worth intervening for? Why do we care? Why do you care? Thank you again! I am grateful to you Jxxxx

 

[Xue Sheng]

@Xue Sheng, Ah yes.. the omg.. yes.. and when we worry over the “some thing” that might happen, we are worried about the other person in that situation.. are we also worried about us and how we will manage?

I think we are worried about both, what might happen to them and how are we going to handle it. And from there we start building scenarios that are generally varying degrees of not good that do nothing but increase our stress levels

And when you say how you “just be”, what do you be? Do you ever be some thing you are normally not?

Mushin or something as close as one can get to it in reality. Mind without mind aka "no-mindness". A mind not fixed or occupied by thought or emotion and thus open to everything. But to put that into plain English being calm, relaxed and in the moment, not worrying about past of future, not building scenarios, just taking things as they are....to get back on the East Asian philosophically high horse of confusion.....standing in solitude

 

[ks - learning to fly]

@ks - learning to fly, goodness that is quite a trauma you have mercifully come away from though I see you have post trauma symptoms sleep disturbance negative cognitions or self evaluations also.. I hope you have got some relief from this my friend.. I am so happy you are here and training and posting for us to read.. wishes xxx.. I know Detroit.. it would be the place for this to happen.. I had my purse stolen though that was all.. You have such an awesome outlook after what had happened.. I think your survival experience is a very valuable one.. there are many who I work with who I try and try and but I cannot open them into that outlook that you have found..

Can you suggest or recall any of how you came out of the valley of that negative thinking and ruminating over the horrible trauma of what happened? That would be so useful to know.. I mean I find it is seldom quick or ever easy to build esteem to get women back to the place where they are self-validating and can do just what you say ks and STAND UP.. I wonder do you have like a blog or some thing where you write? Your story is fantastic because you are an example not just of surviving and but of winning.. I think you are a winner from all of that.. and if you do not post online I understand and but I hope your experience of overcoming is to the help of others xxx

Although I do not have a blog, I do occasionally write poetry which I've been doing for a long time so I don't really think it's related but as I grew up with a stutter, it helped to put my feelings into words.. You ask.."Can you suggest or recall any of how you came out of the valley of that negative thinking and ruminating over the horrible trauma of what happened?" - and I almost hesitate to write the following because I do not want it to come across as a plea for sympathy (especially after my previous post), I am just merely relaying the facts and if it helps someone, that's fine.. I believe what helped me - in addition to my own resolve - is the power of my family.. and following my Mom's example..40 years ago, this month - My Dad walked out and my Mom was forced by circumstance to raise 5 kids on her own..I never saw her whine or feel sorry for herself - she simply did what she had to do to ensure, we were fed, went to school and to church and - in between the occasional broken bone, scrapes, daredevil fish hooks in the forehead or whatever else we had gotten into - did her best to keep us healthy..she kept us grounded, focused - she taught us how to win with humility and lose graciously and most importantly - she believed in us and never once gave up on us..the fact that she's my hero is an understatement and even after what happened to me, I honestly felt that I couldn't let her down..I couldn't allow myself to be permanently beaten..after the example she set for me..it was impossible to not try and move forward with determination..today, my Mom is almost 72 years old and is planning her 8th volunteer trip to Africa next winter..she has lived a life of service and I will feel truly blessed if I turn out to be half the person she is..or even turn out to be the person she thinks I am.. Let me close by adding that sometimes I do still think about the night I was jumped and I guess I always will..but, no matter what has happened to me in my life - I know, without question - that there are others who have it far worse than I ever did..my only hope is that everyone has someone they can count on in moments like these, someone to remind them of who they are and where they come from..because, for me - it means everything.

 

[EddieCyrax]

Lessons learned.....

There have been too many to count, but I will settle on the two greatest:
1. Controlling fear. Fear of defeat, fear of human aggression in me/others, fear of being dominated, fear for others.
2. The knowledge that you are only as good as your last day of training. Everyone around you is adapting/modifying their skills similar to yourself....If you do not continually change/modify/adapt your skills or assume you know your opponents skills, you will be defeated.

 

[Jenna]

@Xue Sheng, when we have a fear of an unknown, the outcome will be the same whether we fear it or not, yes? I wonder is time spent fearing a future unknown thing time missed doing some thing more beneficial in the right here and right now? Does being close to the ideal of mushin permit us to leave that worry and fear? Do you think with sufficient diligence we can make it such that we do not even tough that worry and fear and but refuse it altogether rather than having to work to get rid of it?? Thank you again XS  Jxx


@ks - learning to fly, ks!! your mom is awesome because she has had such a role in making you awesome too! I am really grateful to read of how such fortitude and resilience can be handed on from parent to child thank you for relating your story! It is difficult some times for people that do not have your buffers against such horrible hard knocks of life.. Can you imagine ks how different the world would be like if every one was given the example, the encouragement and unconditional love from their parent as you are from your mom? Wishes, Jxxxx


@EddieCyrax, Eddie, hey thank you, these are valuable and relevant lessons! it is some thing I think about and I do not know if you had ever.. that some times what we fear is really a fear of some thing else, some thing deeper.. I mean if we are fear defeat or being beat, what is this a fear of? It can be fear of the physical pain? Is can be the fear of looking bad or the fear of feeling belittled? Or the fear of feeling we lack competence or skill.. is interesting.. how do you see fear of defeat?? It takes strength though to admit fear, would you say? I am interested very much in learning how did you go about controlling those fears and is ita teaching that could be applied or learned by some one else?? That would be very useful for me too.. Thank you again, Jxx