Girlfriend doing Muay Thai sparring

[wingerjim]

Look Jooshs1990, you just joined this forum today, put out a post and immediately got defensive and insulting when people told you what they think. Feedback is a give from others and you seem upset with some for their honest feedback when you did not get the justification in your view of your girlfriend wanting to take up an art she wants to study. You say you do strength training. How would you feel if she went and talked to her friends about whether she should let you continue to do this activity? Would that make you upset? How about if she asked a bunch of strangers, would that make you upset if she just randomly asked a bunch of strangers if her boyfriend should do strength training? How would you feel? That is what you are doing to her. Don't ask us if you honestly do not want the answer, then get pissed off about it. Tell her your concern but if she still wants to do it, then accept it and if you cannot, she probably is not the right person for you because you seem to have some comparability issues.

 

[Joshs1990]

I'll tell you why this subject pisses me off so much. My daughter was dating this guy and living with him and she's always just done kenpo and she'd get the odd bruise as you do and the guy she was with kept subtly saying she shouldn't do it as it risk her health and she shouldn't be damaging her soul by learning to fight and that god wouldn't forgive her (he was one of those ott religious types) so she stopped training. Now I didn't know any of this until much later but she said to me she didn't want to anymore. But one day she realised what he was up to and said she was going to train and he tried to physically stop her and he ended with a elbow across the jaw and a knee in the groin from her. Luckily she realised what was happening and got out but some girls wouldn't realise that's why controlling boyfriends really angers me.

Idk how many times I've said I'm supportive with her training Muay Thai just don't want her to get her *** kicked. Who the hell wants their girlfriend to get beat up

 

[Headhunter]

Look Jooshs1990, you just joined this forum today, put out a post and immediately got defensive and insulting when people told you what they think. Feedback is a give from others and you seem upset with some for their honest feedback when you did not get the justification in your view of your girlfriend wanting to take up an art she wants to study. You say you do strength training. How would you feel if she went and talked to her friends about whether she should let you continue to do this activity? Would that make you upset? How about if she asked a bunch of strangers, would that make you upset if she just randomly asked a bunch of strangers if her boyfriend should do strength training? How would you feel? That is what you are doing to her. Don't ask us if you honestly do not want the answer, then get pissed off about it. Tell her your concern but if she still wants to do it, then accept it and if you cannot, she probably is not the right person for you because you seem to have some comparability issues.

Apologies I went to hit agree and hit disagree by mistake lol

 

[Headhunter]

Idk how many times I've said I'm supportive with her training Muay Thai just don't want her to get her *** kicked. Who the hell wants their girlfriend to get beat up

Obviously you're not supportive as you're going on a forum and complaining about it and ask anyone who's worked with domestic situations. Often times they do what they do thinking they're being protective

 

[Joshs1990]

Look Jooshs1990, you just joined this forum today, put out a post and immediately got defensive and insulting when people told you what they think. Feedback is a give from others and you seem upset with some for their honest feedback when you did not get the justification in your view of your girlfriend wanting to take up an art she wants to study. You say you do strength training. How would you feel if she went and talked to her friends about whether she should let you continue to do this activity? Would that make you upset? How about if she asked a bunch of strangers, would that make you upset if she just randomly asked a bunch of strangers if her boyfriend should do strength training? How would you feel? That is what you are doing to her. Don't ask us if you honestly do not want the answer, then get pissed off about it. Tell her your concern but if she still wants to do it, then accept it and if you cannot, she probably is not the right person for you because you seem to have some comparability issues.

Thank you for your feed back. I came here looking for constructive feedback and some have provided that And I appreciate it. It would bother me if she told me to stop weight training for sure because it keeps me in good shape. I just am so confused as to why everyone's jumping down my throat calling me controlling just because I don't want my gfs appearance to be altered.

 

[Gerry Seymour]

Knowing that sarcastic shitheads like you are probably the people she's training with doesn't help. Forum closed

I get the not-so-sneaking suspicion that you came here because she disagrees with you, and you thought this forum would give you some validation. There's nothing wrong with being concerned for someone, but by your choice of wording and your immediate response to those who disagreed, you painted a fairly specific picture of yourself. If you don't like how others see you, maybe it's time to examine how you portray yourself.

 

[Headhunter]

Thank you for your feed back. I came here looking for constructive feedback and some have provided that And I appreciate it. It would bother me if she told me to stop weight training for sure because it keeps me in good shape. I just am so confused as to why everyone's jumping down my throat calling me controlling just because I don't want my gfs appearance to be altered.

Why're we calling you controlling? Hmmmm let me think maybe because you /are/ being controlling. If her appearance is altered that's her choice no one else's not her mums or dads or some guy she's been dating for 8 months it's her choice not yours it has nothing to do with you say your opinion fine but she has obligation to listen to you at all

 

[Headhunter]

I get the not-so-sneaking suspicion that you came here because she disagrees with you, and you thought this forum would give you some validation. There's nothing wrong with being concerned for someone, but by your choice of wording and your immediate response to those who disagreed, you painted a fairly specific picture of yourself. If you don't like how others see you, maybe it's time to examine how you portray yourself.

Yeah I didn't want to say but anger issues and a controlling nature. That's a lot of red flags right there in my opinion

 

[KenpoBoxer]

Seems like you have some ego issues more than anything oh and yeah it's controlling I await my dislike and abuse

 

[marques]

Reading it looks like sparring is the wildest fight. There are several levels of sparring and hard sparring should be reserved for higher grades (which corresponds to competitors in MT), IMO.

I have sparred MT even without head contact (I don't like it, but it is quite safer, especially for beginners).

To finish, I apologise for more and better technical sparring for everyone. One can learn a lot about timing, distance, tricks and feints, controlling the opponent... and so on before introducing speed, high risk of injuries, (too much) power and fear.

 

[wingerjim]

Thank you for your feed back. I came here looking for constructive feedback and some have provided that And I appreciate it. It would bother me if she told me to stop weight training for sure because it keeps me in good shape. I just am so confused as to why everyone's jumping down my throat calling me controlling just because I don't want my gfs appearance to be altered.

So if her appearance is more important to you than what is inside she and every other woman will disappoint you because there appearance changes after children or God forbid after Chemotherapy, it will change after they age or have a thyroid problem or are in an accident....and the list goes on. If you are only interested because of appearance, which is fine for first attractions and I understand that completely, but if you are not looking at her heart then you are missing out on a whole lot more. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen an attractive women (I am sure the ladies out there can also relate to this from their perspective as well with a good looking man) and saw she did not have a ring on her finger and wondered why until she opened her mouth. Sure I am attracted 110% to my wife. Is she just as good looking as when I met here....no, same body....no, wrinkle free....no, but I am more attracted to her now than I ever was when she was a young hottttttty.

 

[wingerjim]

Apologies I went to hit agree and hit disagree by mistake lol

No problem Headhunter

 

[Joshs1990]

So if her appearance is more important to you than what is inside she and every other woman will disappoint you because there appearance changes after children or God forbid after Chemotherapy, it will change after they age or have a thyroid problem or are in an accident....and the list goes on. If you are only interested because of appearance, which is fine for first attractions and I understand that completely, but if you are not looking at her heart then you are missing out on a whole lot more. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen an attractive women (I am sure the ladies out there can also relate to this from their perspective as well with a good looking man) and saw she did not have a ring on her finger and wondered why until she opened her mouth. Sure I am attracted 110% to my wife. Is she just as good looking as when I met here....no, same body....no, wrinkle free....no, but I am more attracted to her now than I ever was when she was a young hottttttty.

No way. Her heart and inner beauty is hugely important to me! You are right physical attraction is huge at first but I love this girl and it just saddens me that she puts herself in a position to get beat up. I'd also be there for her if she ever did get her nose broken/teeth knocked out I just don't wanna ever see that happen to her. Whatever call me a knight in shining armor I'm oka with that. I Maybe I should just shut up because this has turned into everyone hating on me.

 

[hoshin1600]

there is a big bold line between being concerned for someone and deciding that you know whats best for someone else and trying to make that decision for them. i am not going to judge which side of that coin your on.
i will say if you cannot except the person she is and the choices she makes , its not your place to change her and if you do express your opposition to her choices, eventually the two of you will no longer be together. if i were you, i would re think all the comments given and take a long hard look in the mirror and see if the reason you dont want her going to a martial art is something different than what you stated here.

 

[Gerry Seymour]

No way. Her heart and inner beauty is hugely important to me! You are right physical attraction is huge at first but I love this girl and it just saddens me that she puts herself in a position to get beat up. I'd also be there for her if she ever did get her nose broken/teeth knocked out I just don't wanna ever see that happen to her. Whatever call me a knight in shining armor I'm oka with that. I Maybe I should just shut up because this has turned into everyone hating on me.

Nobody here hates you. Nobody here knows you nearly well enough to either hate or love you.

 

[wingerjim]

No way. Her heart and inner beauty is hugely important to me! You are right physical attraction is huge at first but I love this girl and it just saddens me that she puts herself in a position to get beat up. I'd also be there for her if she ever did get her nose broken/teeth knocked out I just don't wanna ever see that happen to her. Whatever call me a knight in shining armor I'm oka with that. I Maybe I should just shut up because this has turned into everyone hating on me.

I do not think you are hated at all. I find this forum to be the best I have ever seen. What I find very much about the folks on this site is that they like to be heard. I have only started a couple of threads and sit back and let the people do their thing and never argue or debate. Like I have done with you is to make you look at your situation through my experiences as this is all I have. I do not know you other than to say you have not expressed that you study a martial arts, so you do not understand what it is about. We are not about bashing in each other's face, but to train and learn from our teachers. I would say this, if I were going to a school that did not practice a safe environment, I would not go, so if your girlfriend is at a school that can cause her physical harm outside of accidents, I would talk to her about the school she chooses to attend. Take boxing, my formal art, we spar with headgear, but you don't see a bunch of people with jacked up faces unless they got it during a prize fight, but not in the amateur ranks.

 

[ShortBridge]

I understand why you don't like the answers you're getting, let me try a different tone, though I'm afraid my conclusions are the same. Pieces of my background that might interest you? I've been doing martial arts since the 1980s. I chose to give up Muay Thai after a back surgery. I've been married to the same woman for 20 years.

The back surgery? A ruptured disc....from playing softball, by the way.

It's hard to justify why any of us do what we do. I don't know what calls your girlfriend to these sports or why she would expose herself to the pain and risk, but it's something and whether or not she participates, that something will still be there. If it's adrenaline, maybe something like skiing could satisfy it instead...but the worst of my concussions came from skiing. There are people who are afraid to live because everything is dangerous. There are also people are reckless and self-destructive. I doubt that your girlfriend is either.

Maybe she wants to feel empowered. Maybe she's been afraid in the past and doesn't want to live in fear. Maybe she's been a victim or someone close to her has and this is important to her in ways that you don't understand. Maybe she's just a badass. When you date someone for 8 months, part of what you should be doing at this point is finding out if she is someone who you relate to, understand and admire. This thing that she wants to do is something that you don't understand or relate to. Preventing her from doing it is not going to be the foundation for a healthy relationship. Digging deeper to understand why she's drawn to it might. Or she might not be ready to share that with you yet. Or maybe she's not for you, but you can't restrict her activities to make yourself more comfortable and build a healthy relationship with her at the same time.

At my age, with my injury and health history, I have to make some choices as to how I train and with whom. She MIGHT decide at some point that Muay Thai is not the most appropriate way for her to train and there are alternatives, but you can't and shouldn't talk her out of it. I get worrying about her. We all worry about people we love. Listen to the woman, try to understand her, if she's the one, you'll still be peeling the onion 20 years from now. But, support her decisions.

 

[Tony Dismukes]

I value her face

just because I don't want my gfs appearance to be altered.

You might ask yourself why you keep coming back to the issue of her appearance being altered. Would you love your girlfriend any less if she had a crooked nose? If not, then why are you more concerned about the possible risk to her appearance than she is?

Who the hell wants their girlfriend to get beat up

You might just as well ask, who the hell wants their husband to get beat up? My wife loves me and wants the best for me. I train 5 days per week with guys who may punch me in the face, kick me in the ribs, choke me out, or twist my limbs and spine in directions they weren't meant to go. My wife supports me in this endeavor because she knows the happiness and satisfaction it brings more than outweighs the occasional injury (and the not so occasional bruising and soreness.) Does your girlfriend's training make her happy? If so, you might consider that it's worth the wear and tear on her body to her.

You might also consider that if your girlfriend ever has to defend herself from someone who is actually trying to harm her, that training may save her from much worse than she goes through in the gym. Personally I wish my wife was able to train at the gym with me. I'd feel more secure about her safety from possible predators.

By the way, you asked a question "is this controlling" and immediately got angry at anyone who answered yes. Not much point in asking a yes/no question if you are only willing to listen to one of those answers. You might also consider that when you come to a forum filled with martial artists, who love martial arts so much that when they're not in the gym training they're busy talking about training, and ask them whether you should discourage your girlfriend from training martial arts --- you're not likely to get an answer favoring that approach.

 

[Joshs1990]

Sho

I understand why you don't like the answers you're getting, let me try a different tone, though I'm afraid my conclusions are the same. Pieces of my background that might interest you? I've been doing martial arts since the 1980s. I chose to give up Muay Thai after a back surgery. I've been married to the same woman for 20 years.

The back surgery? A ruptured disc....from playing softball, by the way.

It's hard to justify why any of us do what we do. I don't know what calls your girlfriend to these sports or why she would expose herself to the pain and risk, but it's something and whether or not she participates, that something will still be there. If it's adrenaline, maybe something like skiing could satisfy it instead...but the worst of my concussions came from skiing. There are people who are afraid to live because everything is dangerous. There are also people are reckless and self-destructive. I doubt that your girlfriend is either.

Maybe she wants to feel empowered. Maybe she's been afraid in the past and doesn't want to live in fear. Maybe she's been a victim or someone close to her has and this is important to her in ways that you don't understand. Maybe she's just a badass. When you date someone for 8 months, part of what you should be doing at this point is finding out if she is someone who you relate to, understand and admire. This thing that she wants to do is something that you don't understand or relate to. Preventing her from doing it is not going to be the foundation for a healthy relationship. Digging deeper to understand why she's drawn to it might. Or she might not be ready to share that with you yet. Or maybe she's not for you, but you can't restrict her activities to make yourself more comfortable and build a healthy relationship with her at the same time.

At my age, with my injury and health history, I have to make some choices as to how I train and with whom. She MIGHT decide at some point that Muay Thai is not the most appropriate way for her to train and there are alternatives, but you can't and shouldn't talk her out of it. I get worrying about her. We all worry about people we love. Listen to the woman, try to understand her, if she's the one, you'll still be peeling the onion 20 years from now. But, support her decisions.

Short bridge, thank you. I really appreciate you telling your story and giving me constructive criticism. I agree that it is not my place or anyone's to tell her what to do. I want her to be happy and not feel controlled. It is tough for me to be okay with because I don't watch sparring or anything. All I've really seen of martial arts is like UFC fights, which the main purpose seems like it IS to knock each other out. So I guess that's my association with all martial arts. We do have a very healthy relationship and this is really the only thing that's had a bit of unresolved discussion. I will definitely try to find out what makes her want to do it and try to understand that drive.

I just think it's very hard for me to be OK and supportive of something that can potentially hurt her pretty bad which it has already done in the past . But I guess we all live and learn. I just have decent experience with being injured, and pretty severely in the face region. so I usually try to caution anybody that risks their face for the name of the sport, friends/girlfriend/family. I don't like to see loved ones hurt

 

[Danny T]

Hey guys...
I guess my question is, is it controlling for me not to want her to spar? I value her face and I don't want it getting smashed for the sake of exercise. Thanks for your help!

Josh, If I may, please take a deep breath and relax as much as you can.
The people on this forum are for the most part good people and good martial artists. Some are rather straight forward with their answers and I believe most here appreciate that.
Now you did, in your original post, ask specifically: "is it controlling for me not to want her to spar?"
In my opinion your concern for her to not get injured is good and probably appropriate.
I'm concerned about any of my training partners or students getting injured and i believe everyone here would agree with this.
What would be controlling would be after discussing it, weighing the benefits vs possible injuries taking into account the individuals responsibilities, goals, desires, wants, and personal happiness in their life to go against that individuals decision and to demand they adhere to what I want vs what they want. Not saying that is what is going on in your situation.
My wife has done a few things in her life that could be construed as extremely dangerous and life threatening. I wasn't happy about her doing them but it was something she strongly wanted to do. She did them and I am proud of her for doing so injuries and all. Demanding that she not would have been controlling.