Attracted to the teacher?

[shesulsa]

I'm generally not in favor of these relationships or sexual daliances or whatever they may be. I've done my share of flirting, but I've never carried things through beyond that and in retrospect, I'm quite happy I didn't.

You have to think ahead and figure out if you can both continue after splitting up, knowing the other might become attracted to others in the same training group, then whatever works for you.

To me, that was my spot to do my thing - I really didn't want to muddy things up with relationships that could hurt me or where I could hurt someone else emotionally. I also saw that usually when the couple split up it was usually the female (or the lower ranking member) who left.

If martial arts is a casual dallaince for you - a hobby - then do what you want. If you want to do this for a very long time ... then I'd advise you to think things over carefully and should you decide to proceed, do so carefully.

I know there are successful marriages in martial arts, but IMVHO, they are rarer than most would admit.

Good fortune and good training to you.

 

[Milt G.]

So this might be the craziest thing you've heard of in a while. What do you do if you're attracted to the master of your dojo? Do you keep it hidden? Do you go for it? This woman is about my age, and I feel like she's attracted to me as well. I sometimes can't concentrate on the lesson because I'm so entranced by how pretty she is. I feel like it would be horrible if I wen't for it since she is the teacher and I am the student. Has anyone else been in this situation before??

Hello...

If you are finished studying martial arts there, by all means, follow your infatuation. Keep in mind that as situations change, sometimes feelings do as well. Focus on your art. The rest will fall into place in good time. Or, not.

Remember, though; "If it was REALLY meant to be, it will be".

Follow the path and not the emotion. The "path" will lead you where you want to be. The "emotion" may not...

Just my .02... BTDT.

Thanks,
Milt G.

 

[kingkong89]

Its very simple its ok to have a relationship with whoever you want just keep it outside of the dojo dont mix business with pleasure

 

[Dirty Dog]

You have to procede with a great deal of caution, but it is possible to have both a personal and professional relationship with someone.

My wife and I are both ER nurses. We met in the ER more years ago than I care to admit (I cannot possibly really be that old...). We worked together for several years before we started dating. This coming May, we will have been together for 10 years, and married for 6. We go to the same TKD classes. We work in the same ER. We work the same shifts in the same ER, and are generally caring for the same group of patients in the ER (we're both trauma junkies) working side by side. For the last 9 years, we have lived, commuted, worked, played, taught, learned and vacationed together.

It's not for everybody, but it works for us.

 

[Archangel M]

I wonder. If this were a physical trainer at a gym, or a Yoga instructor, or a sports coach for some "hobby" sport , would people here subscribe to the same philosophy? Is this because "Martial Arts" are so much more important and the relationship between student/sensei SOOOO much deeper/mystical and life altering when compared to those "mundane" hobbies?

 

[Big Don]

Don't dip your pen in the company ink.

Don't crap where you eat.

 

[shesulsa]

I wonder. If this were a physical trainer at a gym, or a Yoga instructor, or a sports coach for some "hobby" sport , would people here subscribe to the same philosophy? Is this because "Martial Arts" are so much more important and the relationship between student/sensei SOOOO much deeper/mystical and life altering when compared to those "mundane" hobbies?

Yep. I feel that way about work, training and generally everything else. Of course, I'm married, but I've never liked the idea of dating someone I worked with or trained with. I did the opposite once, actually - trained under my boyfriend who later became my husband. That didn't work out well for me and I fully acknowledge that this was because of the nature of the relationship. I'm no longer with that mistake.

Sorry, I get enough drama in my life without consciously creating more for myself, thank you.

 

[Tez3]

Do remember though it's the things you don't do that you regret when you are old. If only....probably the saddest words in the English langauge.

 

[Ken Morgan]

Ah, TEZ beat me to it. Though I said something similar earlier. I agree with her 100%, have no regrets.

So where are we at? You've gotten tonnes of opinions, any idea as to what you're going to do?

 

[jks9199]

I wonder. If this were a physical trainer at a gym, or a Yoga instructor, or a sports coach for some "hobby" sport , would people here subscribe to the same philosophy? Is this because "Martial Arts" are so much more important and the relationship between student/sensei SOOOO much deeper/mystical and life altering when compared to those "mundane" hobbies?

I would. I've not said it's automatically a bad thing, just like a workplace relationship isn't always a bad thing. But it's something to weigh carefully. It will change some of the dynamics of the training, the workplace, or the gym.

Anytime there is a potential power difference between the two, or anytime that the relationship can have a significant effect on other people, you have to be cautious and weigh the risks. Or if a failed relationship would likely mean you would have to drop the activity... you should give it thought. And, sometimes, it's probably a better choice to wait and move very slowly -- if at all.

 

[Archtkd]

What do you do if you're attracted to the master of your dojo? Do you keep it hidden? Do you go for it? This woman is about my age, and I feel like she's attracted to me as well. I sometimes can't concentrate on the lesson because I'm so entranced by how pretty she is. I feel like it would be horrible if I wen't for it since she is the teacher and I am the student. Has anyone else been in this situation before??

There seems to be a general assumption here that your teacher will go for your moves, but we all know romance is a two way street. Your effort is likely to backfire if your teacher has been in the martial arts business for a long time. That said, you are an adult and life is too short. If you feel strongly about this woman go for it and honestly state your case. Risk rejection, and stare at the prospect of losing face and a good teacher. Often things like this simply come down to: what do you really want in life?

 

[Archangel M]

I have to wonder though, is it really the equivalent of a boss/subordinate relationship? In this situation YOU are paying THEM for a service...who is "the boss"?

 

[jks9199]

I have to wonder though, is it really the equivalent of a boss/subordinate relationship? In this situation YOU are paying THEM for a service...who is "the boss"?

Is it perfectly equivalent? No. But do a lot of the same headaches a workplace relationship apply? Yeah, I think so.

We pretty consistently seem to think it's a bad idea for teachers to be involved with students, or professionals personally involved with clients. Colleges get very concerned with professors dating students -- even with older/non-traditional "returning students", for example.

I, myself, see a lot of potential concerns. That's not to say that it cannot or will not work. But it is something that I would be cautious about. It'd effect the dynamic in class, no matter what happens.

 

[Archangel M]

On a slight tangent..how many cop marriages/relationship have you seen? What happens when one gets promoted? This issue is everywhere. My PD has no written policy on the issue yet.

 

[jks9199]

On a slight tangent..how many cop marriages/relationship have you seen? What happens when one gets promoted? This issue is everywhere. My PD has no written policy on the issue yet.

We're a small agency; we don't have restrictions on dating, though you aren't supposed to supervise someone you're dating/married/involved in a domestic partnership with. Which means that we actually have a significant limitation on who can work on what squad or which assignments since there are a few couples in the department. And when one broke up, it didn't change anything because it wasn't a congenial break up, so they still can't work together...

Which highlights the concern in this case; the relationship will have an impact on the class, no matter what. If it's a success, it'll effect things one way. If she's not interested -- it'll effect the student another way, and may effect how she conducts class to avoid the problem in the future. And if it bombs after a while, it could end up driving one or both from the class... Again -- the only question is, recognizing the possiblities, do you want to go forward?

 

[Archtkd]

I have to wonder though, is it really the equivalent of a boss/subordinate relationship? In this situation YOU are paying THEM for a service...who is "the boss"?

This is a very good question, but I think martial arts studios fall in a class akin to that of places of worship or offices of professionals such as doctors, dentists, lawyers and psychologists. All those professions ban or strongly discourage fraternization with clients, patients or members. I believe that's because this are professions in which, like martial arts, the client/provider relationship extends beyond immediate and physical needs. I also think there's an understanding that the providers of the mentioned services have power over the client who seek their help in the form of specialized education and practical knowledge.

 

[Archangel M]

I think we westerners put far too much "mumbo jumbo" into the martial arts, personally. Do it or don't as long as you are aware of the risks. Overblowing martial arts training creates an environment ripe for cultism and false senses of over-importance IMO.

 

[jks9199]

I think we westerners put far too much "mumbo jumbo" into the martial arts, personally. Do it or don't as long as you are aware of the risks. Overblowing martial arts training creates an environment ripe for cultism and false senses of over-importance IMO.

I agree with that; a martial arts teacher is just a martial arts teacher. Not much different than any other coach in many cases. But I'd be concerned if a coach or trainer began dating a student/client, too.

My concern in this case is simply that, almost no matter what happens, there will be an effect on the class. If the OP is willing to face that possibility, go for it. If not -- then he needs to focus until the infatuation (which is all it is at this point) fades.

 

[Archtkd]

I think we westerners put far too much "mumbo jumbo" into the martial arts, personally. Do it or don't as long as you are aware of the risks. Overblowing martial arts training creates an environment ripe for cultism and false senses of over-importance IMO.

It might help if you could kindly expound on the "mumbo jumbo" and "overblowing martial arts training."

These are my general thoughts, which have nothing to do with cultism or a false sense of over importance: If you've diligently practiced a martial art or sport, for more than a decade, and you are training people in the said art or sport, it implies you have specialized knowledge comparable to or even more than some licenced professionals -- doctors, attorneys, etc.

That specialized knowledge means you owe your students/clients an added duty of care, as would be expected of any trained professional. The knowledge and position of martial arts instructor or sports coach also implicitly gives you a position of responsibility over your students/clients.

These, by the way, are not Western theories. They are universal ideals practiced by good teachers and professional around the world.

 

[Archangel M]

I don't think any teacher I pay to train me is "over me". Or has any responsibility "for me". A couple of hours 2-3 times a week makes nobody my "master".