An old Instructor

[ppko]

My first instructor and I were very close at one time, so close I considered him like a father to me. Than his wife left him and came back and he has not been the same since. He has gave up the Martial Arts (which he lived for before), and he has been drinking, he is just not the same man that he used to be, he is the man he was before he started training in the Martial Arts. My question is, is there anything I can do to maybe help him out of this tight spot, god knows he has helped me out plenty of times.

 

[shesulsa]

How about asking him for a private lesson? Or a seminar where you teach?

 

[Enson]

How about asking him for a private lesson? Or a seminar where you teach?

sounds like a good idea to me. get him back in gi... it might just work

 

[Brother John]

How about asking him for a private lesson? Or a seminar where you teach?

excellent points!
Being responsible for the education and growth of a dedicated student helps keep many an instructor in line. Your outlook on things is completely different. It's the a lot like the paradigm shift of being a parent. You watch your own conduct more because there are others observing... others who will, not MIGHT, but will be influenced by you.
The weight of it helps keep one in line, or at least should.

Your Brother
John

 

[ppko]

It is not so simple as to ask him to give a seminar or a private lesson he acts like he wants nothing to do with me now when I stop to talk to him he just watchs tv. He did not even show up to my wedding and that really hurt me

 

[Brother John]

Then be direct and as unambiguous as you can be.
Polite, but direct.

and be ready to accept anything.
If it's a dead end, morn it's ending....
then move on.

Your Brother
John

 

[shesulsa]

Well, we are all human, after all. Are there any other students of his that feel the way you do?

 

[Lisa]

It is not so simple as to ask him to give a seminar or a private lesson he acts like he wants nothing to do with me now when I stop to talk to him he just watchs tv. He did not even show up to my wedding and that really hurt me

Things will only change for him if he wants them too. No matter how good your intentions are, if he is not ready or willing to listen and take the first step himself then nothing you say or do will change that. It is unfortunate that someone you looked up to so much is disappearing out of your life. Let him know how you feel, leave the door open for him to walk through and let it rest in his hands, you have done all that you can do.

 

[Enson]

if thats the case than only god and time can heal his wounds/heart. continue to let him know that you are there for him by just being his friend. don't mention martial arts (that might be the reason in his mind that he lost his wife) but just talk about anything else. when he begins to feel the strain of not training again he might just ask you to join him to train in private. just wait. how long has this been going on?

 

[ppko]

Everyone that used to train with him feels this way

 

[tshadowchaser]

Be supportive of him but do not teat him as an invalid. Be respectful but speak what is in your heart (select your wods carefuly). If the chance comes up ask him someth8ing about a technique that you "just dont seem to get right". Hell ask him if you have done anything to anger him. Take the first step whatever it is and little steps after till you see where it goes.

If you have to let him go (for a while) do so and get on with your training. Then down the road go back and se if things can be restarte with him teaching again.
Some times it just takes time. Sometinmes it just takes the right person saying the right thing.

 

[TigerWoman]

I don't understand. His wife left him and "came back". So there must be a problem still after she came back. It could be an unresolved relationship, it could be health of her or him, it could be something just as simple as for her demanding him to stop martial arts or she will leave again. It must have been something devastating. He needs to talk to someone about it.
But I don't know what you as a student can do if he does not want to talk about it. Does he hava a pastor who could talk to him? Then he could keep it private, but unload on someone. He really needs to talk about it to someone he trusts or could come to trust. The drinking is a sign that he is just trying to avoid the pain and the situation. I would find a pastor. TW

 

[ppko]

Thank you for the responses and trying to help me

 

[ppko]

first of all I would like to thank everyone that tried to help with this situation. I do believe that he is on his way back into the Martial Arts as I have talked to him a few times and I can sense the fire.

 

[D_Brady]

Be supportive of him but do not teat him as an invalid. Be respectful but speak what is in your heart (select your wods carefuly). If the chance comes up ask him someth8ing about a technique that you "just dont seem to get right". Hell ask him if you have done anything to anger him. Take the first step whatever it is and little steps after till you see where it goes.

If you have to let him go (for a while) do so and get on with your training. Then down the road go back and se if things can be restarte with him teaching again.
Some times it just takes time. Sometinmes it just takes the right person saying the right thing.

I can tell your also speaking from the heart. I could tell from being with your students and your family how much you care about the arts but more importantly how you care about people.

 

[TigerWoman]

first of all I would like to thank everyone that tried to help with this situation. I do believe that he is on his way back into the Martial Arts as I have talked to him a few times and I can sense the fire.

I'm glad your instructor is getting better. Its a coincidence but I had to replace another instructor, a 1st dan who got divorced a few years ago but has slowly gone downhill. I told my master that I couldn't take over his class since he had been doing it as long as I had been there- 8 years. I also admired him for his ability and humility. But he had come late many times, not really taught well-not focused, not caring about his students and mostly lately not shown up at all to open up the school and teach.

So I said if he came, I would just help him if he let me. But I have taught two weeks now and he hasn't shown up for class. He also has been drinking but not at class and lately occasionally shows up for regular class and I was hopeful he was coming 'round. I had asked him along time ago to help me Thurs. nights on second dan requirements thinking that not only would it help me but maybe get him interested again. But he was mumbling and very quiet so I let it go... I just don' t know him well enough to really help him but maybe he will come back to Thurs. night class again. TW

 

[ppko]

Looks like I spoke to soon, he wanted me to come out to his house for what I thought would be a time for us to show each other some stuff. Instead it was a time for him to belittle me, and accuse me of saying that I could whup his butt. I tried to tell him that I have nothing but respect for him but he felt the need to tell me that I don't know anything about street fighting and that if I was doing this for exersize than it was a good art but if I wasn't willing to fight him to show him that it was as effective as what he showed me than to watch what I say. All I ever said ( said this to his wife when she asked me if I thought that what I was doing now is better than what we did before) was that I thought it was better for me. I believe that she has set me up and I feel like she stabbed me in the back. I believe this will be the last time that I speak to him, I can never repay him for the man that he used to be, but I can never forgive him for the man that he has become.

 

[TigerWoman]

It sounds like the wife may have made the situation worse by misquoting you. And he believes her and that hurts. I would write him a letter and tell your former master your honest feelings but do not blame the wife. (maybe give him the letter in person so it doesn't become intercepted) That would just come back on you.

I thought once I could not forgive my master. My master gave me the art and I respected him greatly once but in one month he destroyed that respect. But since my master is lately, also trying to make amends, I will try too. I had to forgive him, and I did that finally for myself because I can't hold that bad feeling inside me, so I freed it and disowned it. I doesn't make what he did better or excuse it, it just stops the pain of it. I don't know what your master's problem is, now, that he mistrusts you but apparently it meant alot to him that you turned from the art that he taught you otherwise, he wouldn't have bothered seeing you. If the wife is planting bad seeds in his ear, maybe it is her that doesn't want him to be teaching or in MA anymore. The MA have a large divorce rate, so that is something to consider. I would be devastated too if I couldn't continue Taekwondo and was for the fact that I had hope. But without hope...I could see it would be so much worse. And, if his best student turns away and goes to a different art, that would hurt too, because that is all he has left, his legacy and that may be you. I may be wrong, but I feel it may be a misunderstanding. TW

 

[ppko]

It sounds like the wife may have made the situation worse by misquoting you. And he believes her and that hurts. I would write him a letter and tell your former master your honest feelings but do not blame the wife. (maybe give him the letter in person so it doesn't become intercepted) That would just come back on you.

I thought once I could not forgive my master. My master gave me the art and I respected him greatly once but in one month he destroyed that respect. But since my master is lately, also trying to make amends, I will try too. I had to forgive him, and I did that finally for myself because I can't hold that bad feeling inside me, so I freed it and disowned it. I doesn't make what he did better or excuse it, it just stops the pain of it. I don't know what your master's problem is, now, that he mistrusts you but apparently it meant alot to him that you turned from the art that he taught you otherwise, he wouldn't have bothered seeing you. If the wife is planting bad seeds in his ear, maybe it is her that doesn't want him to be teaching or in MA anymore. The MA have a large divorce rate, so that is something to consider. I would be devastated too if I couldn't continue Taekwondo and was for the fact that I had hope. But without hope...I could see it would be so much worse. And, if his best student turns away and goes to a different art, that would hurt too, because that is all he has left, his legacy and that may be you. I may be wrong, but I feel it may be a misunderstanding. TW

I only turned away after he stopped teaching. I was hoping to get him back in it. Thank you for the advise, I truly appreciate it.:asian:

 

[tshadowchaser]

Sorry to hear that it may be a final parting of the ways.
A letter would be a nice gesture but be very careful not to say anything about the wife. Maybe thank him for the time and effort he spent teaching you and end by saying that you hope to someday be reconciled with him.
After that start looking for whomever you want to study with next and get on with your learning
Sounds harsh I admit but it may have to be that