Abusive situation: thinking back.

[Sanchin-J]

I was in town the other day and I happened to catch a glimpse of an ex-girlfriend from way back and it got me to thinking. When we first met, she was an usually shy woman, and was extremely squeamish in general and I think even then I knew what I was in for. It turns out her father was an extremely abusive man and kept his whole family under his thumb. Unfortunately I wasn't one of those people easily intimidated by him and he hated me all the more for it. Anyways, to make a long story short, one evening after supper, he blew up at me and threatened physical violence, he threw insults at me, threw stuff around, threatened bodily harm, and generally looked like an ape on a rampage. I'm a very tolerant and patient man, my temper doesn't get easily stirred, but I was put into a situation where I had just began to feel like I was getting through to him and we were "cool" with one another when he started attacking me. His family had become numb to his abuse, his wife was totally in denial, his kids (my ex and her brother) didn't dare stand up for themselves, and it was a no win situation no matter what choice I made. It really broke my heart in a way, because I knew that if I was to come to blows with this man, I'd ultimately lose even if I won the fight, I mean he may be crazy but he's still dad to them.

So, with tear filled eyes and nothing but rage in my veins I stood up, walked over to his daughter and gave her a choice to stay and be a personal punching bag to a sad little man, or come live with me. In her fear she stayed there and I never talked to her again. I often look back on that and while I realize now that he might have considered what I did as a sign of weakness and it may have stroked his ego even more, I just couldn't bring myself to beat this guy's head into a bloody pulp in front of his wife and daughter no matter how much he deserved it.

I guess sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have just beat this guy's face in, I mean he's everything in this world I despise, abusive control freak that thinks he can bully everyone around him to get his way. Oh, but it's not his fault, I mean he is a veteran after all.. I'm a veteran too, of a different war mind you, but still you don't see me beating my wife nightly and creating serial killers out of my kids with the abuse. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest, it really bothers me that people allow themselves to be victimized like that and that by stepping back and not making it personal, I may have actually encouraged his behavior.

 

[Sukerkin]

If he had actually attacked you that would have been a different circumstance. With events transpiring as you describe then I think you took the right course of action.

Second guessing yourself after all this time is an excercise that brings only pain; let the past be the past for such decision points. Don't allow them to haunt you, just let them 'inform' your future choices.

 

[pstarr]

Yes - let it go...you were wise to do what you did.

 

[swiftpete]

You can't change what happened now and who knows what could have happened if you'd got into an all out fight. Best just to let it go. Who cares about his ego, what goes around comes around. (I hope anyway!)

 

[Drac]

Ya did good.. Its time to move on...They get back what they dished out IN SPADES...

 

[MA-Caver]

H.G. Wells once said: The first man to raise his fist... is the first one to run out of ideas.

It's a mystery why some stay in the abusive environment they're in. Yes, the control the animal has over his household is powerful but not enough so that if the family wants to leave they can simply walk out the door. Yes, there'll be repercussions and perhaps that is what they fear the most. Death threats are common in households like these by the dominant head beast; "leave and I'll find you and kill you!" Or words along those lines but with the same intent.
My work with recovering alcoholics included battered women who drank away their pains and fears, even after they left the animal in their home. The horror stories I've heard during that tenure still affect me to this day. It enrages me that very little is done about these beasts in human skin. Charges can be filed, prosecution and all the nice legal stuff that is supposed to protect women and give them some sense of justice... but I've known a couple whose husbands/boyfriends have waited (very) patiently for just the right moment to catch her off guard and unguarded and carried out their threats.

Fighting someone like that is very dangerous. They're so used to being in charge and in control that they absolutely will-not-stop! Plus, yes, they (the family) will see YOU as the bad guy and not the white shining armored hero you're wanting to be. You just beaten the one who keeps them sheltered, fed and clothed, so bad that now the beast can't go to work (a period of time of peace and calm in THAT household mind you!) and the beast's wrath at the loss of income, pain of the injuries you've inflicted comes down upon who?? You guessed it.

You did the right thing in making the offer. The noble thing. The honorable thing. It's all you can do. Open the door and hope/pray that they'll find the courage or get sick and tired of being sick and tired enough to walk through it with you on the other side to help them.
Reporting it to the police helps of course but the family will have to make it stick. They will have to affirm your charges. If you're lucky, they will. If not, then you might've brought down more grief upon them once the beast closes (and locks) the door with a "thank you very much officer!" Watching discreetly through the windows for the cruiser or unmarked sedan to disappear around the block.... then....
By the way... stepping back hasn't encouraged his behavior when it's already ingrained and set. Remember he's had years and years of control, power and domination. All you might've done was simply re-affirm that for the family who cowers in his shadow.
He may not be the bullying control freak that you make him out to be when he steps out on his front porch to go to work in the morning. He might be that great guy you know a couple of cubicles away or on the other side of the warehouse or operating that crane at the construction site or any number of great everyday average citizens you see. It's behind the closed door where the beast removes the mask and goes to work.

If they're ready to leave then help them... but do your research and be ready to spend money. Sometimes a hotel/motel on the other side of town isn't going to do it. Do you know who the beast's friends are? The abused probably doesn't either. Can you guarantee that the beast doesn't have friends across town? Remember also beasts like these would probably know about shelters. So choose yours with care.

Sorry for the overly dramatic descriptions but ... well... :idunno: they're accurate.

 

[chinto]

I have to say, he kept his hands to himself, so you did the right thing. If you had laid a hand on him first, regardless of provocation you would have lost there and provably ended up prosecuted. again you loose..... so you walked away from that perverbial no win situation... the only choice to make if you can.

 

[Live True]

I think it speaks volumes in how you handled the situation and that you still feel the ache now. It says very good things about you, and I agree with all who spoke before that you did the right thing.

Having been in similiar shoes to your freind, I can tell you two things: you gave her an option she might never have considered, and that is a dim light in a sometimes dark place. Hopefully, that will help further down the road. Second, very few things anyone else does/says will have any deep effect until something within her changes. Some epiphany of her own worth, the desperate and unecessary reality of her situation, and/or the realization that no matter how much she loves/changes/pleases him...it will never be enough.

I desperately hope that realization comes, and that you or someone like you is there to help. Doing it on your own is very hard and scary.

Don't beat yourself up over this. The choice, in the end, is hers and cannot be made by another.

 

[Carol]

It's possible that had you resorted to using force, you would have been yet another person in her life that resorts to solving problems with their fists.

Since you took the high road, you may have done more good than you were able to see at the time. Good for you for your judgment. I hope your former gf is in a happier, safer place.

 

[IcemanSK]

It's possible that had you resorted to using force, you would have been yet another person in her life that resorts to solving problems with their fists.

Since you took the high road, you may have done more good than you were able to see at the time. Good for you for your judgment. I hope your former gf is in a happier, safer place.

Yeah, what she said!

 

[kaizasosei]

without getting emotionally affected so much, you should have slammed him with the truth as gracefully as possible, with no consideration for his freaking out. if he attacks you physicaly, play the victim while defending yourself as best you can.
of course this is a perfect example of how delicate certain conflicts can be and that outright violence would only be playing into the trap. fear and shock however are also a kind of trap.

whatever the case, your reaction at the time seems totally normal and probably very strong message in itself so i wouldnt worry about disappointing anyone but yourself, that is, if there was lots that you could have gotten off YOUR chest, but were too taken aback by the rudeness to react perfectly(whatever that means).

 

[Sanchin-J]

Thanks for all the responses, I feel a little better about it now, I'm more or less just hoping that she did what she had to to get out of that situation. It was really horrible having that happen to myself and to see it happening to people I cared about.

 

[MA-Caver]

I think it speaks volumes in how you handled the situation and that you still feel the ache now. It says very good things about you, and I agree with all who spoke before that you did the right thing.

Agreed, he is a rare individual. :asian:

Having been in similiar shoes to your freind, I can tell you two things: you gave her an option she might never have considered, and that is a dim light in a sometimes dark place. Hopefully, that will help further down the road. Second, very few things anyone else does/says will have any deep effect until something within her changes. Some epiphany of her own worth, the desperate and unecessary reality of her situation, and/or the realization that no matter how much she loves/changes/pleases him...it will never be enough.

Sometimes it's enough to plant the seed. Buried it may be ... it's still there. In (their) world full of lies and insincerity they'll hear the truth and sincerity of the seed you/he planted. In time it may grow.
Most abused victims also don't leave because they feel they'll be all alone "out-there!" Knowing they have someone, ANYone to turn to helps. The truly courageous ones are the ones that bust out alone, damned to the consequences and damned to anyone who tries to stop them. Sad thing with them... the hatred they've had is carried with them (providing courage yes, but...) and thus makes it hard for them to trust those who really can be trusted. Many times I've had to refer the ones I've talked to, to women counselors simply because the fact that I'm a man. Pretty sad.
But the seed and it's implantation is important and that "dim light" may be all that is needed to guide the abused out of their darkness.