Share Your Funniest CLEAN Jokes in This Thread!

[Jonathan Randall]

Share Your Funniest CLEAN Jokes in This Thread!

I should start the ball rolling, but I can't remember any clean ones. Help!

 

[Drac]

Share Your Funniest CLEAN Jokes in This Thread!

I should start the ball rolling, but I can't remember any clean ones. Help!

Neither can I...Alas such is life...

 

[morph4me]

I haven't been in trouble here.... yet, so here goes.

A Blonde's Year in Review


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is"C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.


November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ..instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 ."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

 

[MA-Caver]

I liked April can can just picture it. :lol2:

But I'm all out too... sigh! At least new ones... I've put up clean ones in other threads.

 

[donna]

Jokes
One night a robber broke into a home. While he was aggressively searching through a desk the robber heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!”

He yelled, ''Who said that?!''

Once again the robber heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!''

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was and the parrot replied, ''Arthur.''

The robber said, ''Ha ha! Who names a parrot that?!”

With attitude the parrot laughs, ''Ha ha! The same person who named the pit-bull BEHIND you Jesus!!"

​

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

​

A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making extra money where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches.

Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"






A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

​

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Not sure because it never happens.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.

The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"

The guy says, "Well dang! You don’t have any ears man!"

So the boss yells, "Get out!"

The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?"

The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!"

So the boss yells, "Get out!"

As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it."

So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?"

The guy says, "You’re wearing contacts."

And the boss says, "Very good, how did you know?"

The guy replies, "Well you can't wear glasses cause you DON’T have ears."

​

Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?

So men can understand them!

​

 

[morph4me]

View attachment 7389

 

[bydand]

My 8 year old wanted to share his joke with everybody here.

What is a Police Cars' favorite food?



Donuts