I've been criticized for using the words "yes, but" when Im trying to make a point. People sometimes have told me that by saying, "yes, but" that it shows that Im not listening or paying much attention to what Im being told. That is not so. I don't see what the problem with saying "yes, but" is. If somebody says something and I say "yes, but" that can mean that they're right about what they're saying from a certain point of view but that there are other points of view that must be looked at. It can mean that they're partially right, or that they're right about what they're saying when taking a certain approach to it, but when taking another approach things can be different. So I really don't see why there is anything wrong with using the words "yes, but" and why I might not be taken seriously when I use them.
Saying, "yes, but" in conversations
- Thread starter PhotonGuy
- Start date
I agree with you today, but I reserve my right to disagree with you if I can find any reason in the future.
ks - learning to fly
Senior Master
yes, but - maybe try saying something like - I see your point, however... 
"I see your point however...", means you have missed the point, as well. Try, "That is very interesting, but have you considered...."yes, but - maybe try saying something like - I see your point, however...
Complaints such as that are often borne from a person that is listening to respond, rather than listening to understand.
Focus more on understanding what the speaker is trying to tell you. Make sure your understanding is reflected in your responese. Skip the transitional phrases such as "Yes, but" they add no value.
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Focus more on understanding what the speaker is trying to tell you. Make sure your understanding is reflected in your responese. Skip the transitional phrases such as "Yes, but" they add no value.
Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2
Chris Parker
Grandmaster
"Yes, but" is a negation of the previous comment. It's an indication of, if you do hear what is said, you dismiss/ignore it. You're not alone in that trait (hell, you're not alone on the forum at this point in time....), but it is exactly what you're being told it is. I mean, you're actually doing it in your OP.... you say that you're being told how the response of "yes, but" comes across, and follow that by saying that they might be right (yes), but.... in other words, you haven't listened to the actual complaint, as you've decided that their take is incorrect.
Personally, my recommendation is to take more time about responding. "Yes, but" responses tend to be immediate, almost before the initial comment is finished being said (which is another aspect of the complaint)... so take some time, and assess exactly what is being said. From there, if you agree, say so... if you don't, say so. Speaking for myself, I'd rather take a bit longer and say "No, you've gotten it wrong, and here's why" than immediately respond with "yes (I'm placating you), but (I just want to continue to say what I'm saying)".
Personally, my recommendation is to take more time about responding. "Yes, but" responses tend to be immediate, almost before the initial comment is finished being said (which is another aspect of the complaint)... so take some time, and assess exactly what is being said. From there, if you agree, say so... if you don't, say so. Speaking for myself, I'd rather take a bit longer and say "No, you've gotten it wrong, and here's why" than immediately respond with "yes (I'm placating you), but (I just want to continue to say what I'm saying)".
Instead of saying, "Yes, but", I prefer to say, "I like to look at this from a different angle ..."
wingchun100
Senior Master
Or "Well, my take on it is..."
Or, "_______, you ignorant, misguided slut! Once again, you missed the point entirely."
Gnarlie
Master of Arts
It seems like you're saying that you want to show you're listening, but still be able to add extra information of your own, even if that contrasts or contradicts the original point. If that is what you mean, then how about trying what I've done here: paraphrase the original point to show understanding, then add your own view with a 'how about' or a 'have you thought about'.
Gnarlie
Gnarlie
Takai
Senior Master
Just yell
in their face and then go on with your counterpoint...give it a week and they will be begging for "Yes, but"
Ok, no gets to argue with Xue for a while.
"Yes, but..." frequently indicates you weren't really listening, but rather planning your response. It's also insulting; as noted, it's really negating what the person said. It's like prefacing a statement with "No offense, but..." or "I'm not wanting to be mean, but..."
I suggest trying Active Listening, instead. Active Listening has a lot going for it. It sends the signal that you care about understanding what was said. It shows you actually are listening. It lets you clarify what you heard to be sure that you actually got the message that was intended. It's not hard, though it can be done poorly. You have to be sincere in trying to understand. Listen to what they say, then start what you want to say by saying what you heard, in your own words. Ask if you understood right, and then, if they indicate you did, you can put your two cents in. They'll know you heard AND understood them -- and may well be more likely to hear what you're saying.
I suggest trying Active Listening, instead. Active Listening has a lot going for it. It sends the signal that you care about understanding what was said. It shows you actually are listening. It lets you clarify what you heard to be sure that you actually got the message that was intended. It's not hard, though it can be done poorly. You have to be sincere in trying to understand. Listen to what they say, then start what you want to say by saying what you heard, in your own words. Ask if you understood right, and then, if they indicate you did, you can put your two cents in. They'll know you heard AND understood them -- and may well be more likely to hear what you're saying.
When I say, "yes, but" Im trying to imply that the person is partially right, but that there is more to it. Often you have to look at stuff from different points of view to get the full meaning. I would like to point out that Jesus would sometimes use the idea of, "yes, but." He didn't use those exact words but He used that same idea when He said, "You heard it was written, but now I tell you this," and then He would explain stuff from a different point of view without contradicting anything that was previously written in the Bible. Whether a person believes the Bible and what Jesus taught, or whether they don't, it would be hard to not notice that Jesus is the most single influential person in the entire history of humanity. Even somebody who doesn't believe what Jesus said would have a hard time not realizing that He changed humanity and made the biggest impact in history that any one person has ever made. You have to admit, there is not one single person, past or present or most likely future, who has done as much as Jesus has done with changing the world.
Chris Parker
Grandmaster
No, you're not. You're negating any agreement you might be wanting to express. To that end, it doesn't matter what you feel you're trying to say, you're actually saying (showing) the opposite. And, here's a little clue for you, your unconscious programming gets revealed through your actions, not what you think you're trying to do… so, when you continue with the same actions (saying "yes, but"), it shows your actual intention (that you might be unaware of, and that others are trying to show you).
Completely besides the point, as that's not what you're saying or showing.
Huh? For one thing, no, that's not the same thing at all… the idea you're looking at with the stories of Jesus are of him clarifying and adding interpretation to spiritual scripture as it was understood at the time… he specifically didn't employ a "yeah, but" response, as that would have been to go through, let's say, the Commandments given to Moses, and say "Yeah, but they don't really matter". In other words, a "yes, but" response is a complete negation of the previous comment. And that's not what Jesus did in your example.
Er… right…
No, I don't have to admit anything of the kind. I mean, I will happily say that Christian doctrine has been a fundamental cornerstone of much of Western civilisation and society, especially since the time of Constantine, but that's far from saying the same thing. I mean, there's little evidence of anything relating to a historical Jesus other than "the Bible says so"… and the majority of what's there is known to post-date Jesus' actual existence… so, at best, it's an idealised interpretation, if not a series of elaborated and partially (or more) fictional accounts, of Jesus himself.
Besides that, Buddha has had arguably more of an influence… as has Mohammed… Confuscious would be another big contender… just not in the societies we grew up in.
Oh, and none of that has anything to do with anything being discussed here… so… it's really completely besides the point.
Your comparison falls short. Jesus was not responding to an individual; he was addressing common teachings. You're asking about direct responses between individuals. And you're doing it right here... You haven't actually seemed to recognize what people have said, but decided to compare what you do to the Gospel.
You've got a very valid point; perspective does matter, and often a change in perspective may change the issue. A simple example: a 6 foot pole viewed on end is only a few inches across -- but it's still 6 feet long. But when you hurry to throw your perspective in -- you discount that of the person you're speaking with. Like I said earlier -- "Yes, but" is no different from saying "I don't want to offend you, but..."
