Relationship advice

[Ivan]

Hi guys, you may remember that almost a year ago I posted a thread about asking for advice as I was bringing a girl over to cook for her. You all gave me really good advice and I am very thankful for that. Fast forward to now, and we have been together almost a year now! We have had a really good time together and I enjoy being around her. However, I have always struggled with dating and relationships, and I am struggling now. I don't have anyone else in my life I can talk to about this stuff. I have tried talking to some friends and family, but it just didn't seem to help, and many of you have been with me and through my struggles, both in martial arts and in general for years on this forum.

For context, this is my first ever long-term relationship. Before her, I had a lot of experience with women, but I became a very devout Christian and stopped dating casually for a while. I aimed to date for marriage and enter relationships with the thought of marriage in the long run. The reason why I dated casually was because every time I attempted to date seriously (in college, uni etc), I would experience extreme stressed and anxiousness. And I mean almost constantly, 24/7 anxious, until I broke off whatever relationship was forming completely. When I met her, it was the first time I did not feel this way which is what made me want to be with her and why I was so attracted to her.

However, a few months after, when the relationship had settled in, I started getting stress and anxiety again. It was not constant, and it would come and go every now and then, maybe every few days and weeks, but it was very intense and felt just like in the past. The reason I am writing this, is because I still get it every once in a while, around once or twice a week. I think it stems from me questioning my feelings towards her - I get urges to break up with her, because this was the only way I was able to dissipate the anxiety in the past. When it first started, and now, I was constantly questioning whether I like her.

I believe that what causes this is that I have always been disconnected from my emotions; I believe the term is agonosthesia. I feel things, but I don't always know what I feel. I feel that I definitely like her, and maybe even I love her, but I do not know what love feels or is supposed to feel like. I can't gauge it by comparing it to how others describe it, or how I observe people that are "in love" act in relationships. I am just a distant type of person, in which, I have lost family members and though I felt some sadness, it never sticks with me as much as I see it stick with others. This detachment I have makes me question whether I actually love her - when I get urges to break it all off, the main thought that stops me would be how upset she would be, which also makes me question, am I simply in this relationship for her happiness and to avoid hurting her?

Although I know that factually there is something there, and I tell her that I love her without feeling like I am lying, I stress about the idea of marrying her in the future and whether I am lying; I take relationships very seriously as I am very religious, and I also fear that I may be wasting her time. I feel like I am being disingenous by continuing this relationship as I question all of this, while she is fully committed to it with little worries. I have spoken to her about all this; she has said that she is very happy with me and loves how I treat her. She said I shouldn't worry about hurting her, and that no matter what happens it will be fine - she said I shouldn't be thinking about these things and just enjoy the time I have with her. I do my best, and I really do enjoy my time with her, but I have always been the type of person to stress, to be anxious, and to plan things well ahead of time.

I don't like the idea of posting these types of issues on a martial arts forum, but I cannot afford a therapist or a psychiatrist. I also know a lot of you have seen some of the more distressing parts about my mental health on here, and you have all been able to help me through it with really good advice as many of you have more experience with the awkward moment between birth and death that we call life. Simply put, my situation (in which I cannot understand my emotions) and I question and stress about my romantic feelings towards my girlfriend overtly frequently seems to be overall too niche for me to find any meaningful help on the internet, relatives or friends. I am hoping some of you can help me answer a few questions:


How can I finally stop being such an anxious person?
How can I become more in touch with my emotions, so that I understand what I am feeling?
How can I stop questioning my feelings towards my girlfriend? Or is what I am describing a clear sign that the relationship is not working out for me?

I want to apologise again for posting this on this forum, but I had nowhere else to go. I thank you all in advance for your advice.

 

[isshinryuronin]

You may need more help than anyone here can provide. Maybe not. You seem very confused on this subject. Try to approach it like something you are not so confused about and maybe even good at - sparring.

When I started doing kumite, I was very anxious - about getting hurt, losing, being out of control of the situation, etc. I'd be afraid to attack thinking I might get hit, but I got hit even when defending. I'd think "if I do this, he'll do that, but if I do something else it may not work either." Over thinking and self-analyzing is often worse than just going with your gut and trusting yourself. It's bad enough when the opponent beats you. It's worse when you beat yourself.

Later, I learned to ignore all that BS and jump in and mix it up. A fight changes every few seconds so one must stay fluid in technique and attitude, making adjustments as you go. Be aware of the other one's tendencies and get into the flow. Do your best, don't hesitate, and sort of go on autopilot (mushin). You may win or lose, but you do it your way, naturally. My anxiety greatly diminished.

I know you have done these things in karate and MMA. Try seeing your relationship in the same light. If this or other anecdotal advice isn't working, consider seeing a counselor. Even elite fighters need a coach.

 

[drop bear]

https://www.betterhelp.com/get-started/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=betterhelp_e&utm_content=166830822128&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=e&utm_campaign=21196034771&ad_type=text&adposition=&kwd_id=kwd-300752210814&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwiuC2BhDSARIsALOVfBL0ZY5N4ymEdugk2wbEe_D0mt-_PMJWSgAZZe4sTMimJuomF-lCE_AaAu5SEALw_wcB&not_found=1&gor=start-go

 

[Gyakuto]

At last! An interesting thread!

You need to try and adopt the attitude known as ‘mushotoku’ (well, this is a martial arts forum). It’s the idea of being without an aim or goal, but going along with things and just let them unfold naturally at there own speed…or indeed, not. Go with the flow. What will be, will be. The worst case scenario is breaking up with your girlfriend with all the associated heartbreak, listening to sad songs, moping around and that hollow feeling in your chest but that will pass and you’ll get over it. Is that such a bad thing in the big scheme of things? Cultivating this attitude will, over time, ‘unload’ your shoulders of burden: the fuel that powers anxiety. But it requires some work.

Emotional detachment: we all have different levels of emotional experience. I view my emotions from the outside rather than being embroiled in them, whereas I have friends who are consumed by their emotions (I often screen calls from them). You should view your detachment as an über power especially when you see some people being destroyed by their uncontrolled emotions. The Vulcans spend their whole, long lives trying to cultivate the detachment you have naturally

Maybe therapy will help you, maybe not, although you’ve indicated you cannot afford it anyway. There are millions of people receiving therapy in the USA and yet it’s citizens are amongst the most dysfunctional in the world and their therapists amongst the wealthiest! I worked in an academic department of psychology and opinions were divide as to whether therapy helps or if it simply keeps opening old wounds prolonging the agony. Make of that what you will. Maybe a little anti-anxiety medication will act as a temporary crutch.

Communication! Keep talking to your girlfriend, keep telling her what you’re feeling and indeed be interested in what she feels.

You are religious so speak to your holy people and see what advice they can offer…that’s part of their role after all.

 

[Gyakuto]

View attachment 31631

https://www.betterhelp.com/get-started/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=betterhelp_e&utm_content=166830822128&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=e&utm_campaign=21196034771&ad_type=text&adposition=&kwd_id=kwd-300752210814&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwiuC2BhDSARIsALOVfBL0ZY5N4ymEdugk2wbEe_D0mt-_PMJWSgAZZe4sTMimJuomF-lCE_AaAu5SEALw_wcB&not_found=1&gor=start-go

That is such a camp image! I love it…

(Go west) Life is peaceful there
(Go west) Lots of open air
(Go west) To begin life new
(Go west) This is what we'll do…

 

[drop bear]

By the way. Your first two questions are not vague and probably have answers on the internet.

I would suggest treating it like training. Do exercises that help you overcome your anxiety. And help you display emotion.

Your third issue is called meta cognition. Which is understanding your understanding. And that is pretty well discussed as well.

 

[Prince_Alarming]

I would suggest treating it like training. Do exercises that help you overcome your anxiety. And help you display emotion.

Funnily enough, this is how my therapist dealt with things too. Practical exercises and homework. Therapy isn't what people expect it to be these days, you're unlikely to be laid down on a couch and asked about your mother, although obviously it varies hugely from therapist to therapist.

 

[Gyakuto]

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Adlerian Therapy
Affirmative Therapy
Animal-Assisted Therapy
Applied Behavior Analysis
Art Therapy
Attachment-Based Therapy
Behavioral Activation
Bibliotherapy
Biofeedback
Brain Stimulation Therapy
Christian Counseling
Coaching
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Cognitive Processing Therapy
Cognitive Stimulation Therapy
Compassion-Focused Therapy
Couples Therapy
Culturally Sensitive Therapy
Dance Therapy
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Eclectic Therapy
EMDR
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Equine-Assisted Therapy
Existential Therapy
Experiential Therapy
Exposure and Response Prevention
Expressive Arts Therapy
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy
Family Systems Therapy
Feminist Therapy
Forensic Therapy
Gestalt Therapy
Human Givens Therapy
Humanistic Therapy
Hypnotherapy
Imago Relationship Therapy
Integrative Therapy
Internal Family Systems Therapy
Interpersonal Psychotherapy
Jungian Therapy
Marriage and Family Therapy
Mentalization-Based Therapy
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy
Motivational Interviewing
Multicultural Therapy
Music Therapy
Narrative Therapy
Neuro-Linguistic Programming Therapy
Neurofeedback
Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)
Person-Centered Therapy
Play Therapy
Positive Psychology
Prolonged Exposure Therapy
Psychedelic-Assisted Psychotherapy
Psychoanalytic Therapy
Psychodynamic Therapy
Psychological Testing and Evaluation
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
Reality Therapy
Relational Therapy
Reunification Therapy
Sandplay Therapy
Schema Therapy
Social Recovery Therapy
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy
Somatic Therapy
Strength-Based Therapy
Structural Family Therapy
The Gottman Method
Therapeutic Intervention
Transpersonal Therapy
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy
Written Exposure Therapy

 

[isshinryuronin]

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Adlerian Therapy
Affirmative Therapy
Animal-Assisted Therapy
Applied Behavior Analysis
Art Therapy
Attachment-Based Therapy
Behavioral Activation
Bibliotherapy
Biofeedback
Brain Stimulation Therapy
Christian Counseling
Coaching
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Cognitive Processing Therapy
Cognitive Stimulation Therapy
Compassion-Focused Therapy
Couples Therapy
Culturally Sensitive Therapy
Dance Therapy
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Eclectic Therapy
EMDR
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Equine-Assisted Therapy
Existential Therapy
Experiential Therapy
Exposure and Response Prevention
Expressive Arts Therapy
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy
Family Systems Therapy
Feminist Therapy
Forensic Therapy
Gestalt Therapy
Human Givens Therapy
Humanistic Therapy
Hypnotherapy
Imago Relationship Therapy
Integrative Therapy
Internal Family Systems Therapy
Interpersonal Psychotherapy
Jungian Therapy
Marriage and Family Therapy
Mentalization-Based Therapy
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy
Motivational Interviewing
Multicultural Therapy
Music Therapy
Narrative Therapy
Neuro-Linguistic Programming Therapy
Neurofeedback
Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)
Person-Centered Therapy
Play Therapy
Positive Psychology
Prolonged Exposure Therapy
Psychedelic-Assisted Psychotherapy
Psychoanalytic Therapy
Psychodynamic Therapy
Psychological Testing and Evaluation
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
Reality Therapy
Relational Therapy
Reunification Therapy
Sandplay Therapy
Schema Therapy
Social Recovery Therapy
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy
Somatic Therapy
Strength-Based Therapy
Structural Family Therapy
The Gottman Method
Therapeutic Intervention
Transpersonal Therapy
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy
Written Exposure Therapy

What? No sex therapy?

 

[JowGaWolf]

she said I shouldn't be thinking about these things and just enjoy the time I have with her. I do my best, and I really do enjoy my time with her, but I have always been the type of person to stress, to be anxious, and to plan things well ahead of time.

This is good advice, and a good skill set. Sometimes we just need to be in the present. Sometimes we plan as if it's guaranteed, and we end up stressing ourselves out over something that never came into reality. Lots of things could happen where marriage would not take place.

Sometimes we get ourselves twisted into knots over things that we over think. Your relationship is less than a year. It's still very young. For me personally, I wouldn't be thinking about marriage now. If you think you have anxiety now then wait until you get married lol

I say this jokingly but I'm also serious. There will be ups and downs and that's just natural. The one thing I wouldn't do is to try to imagine how to make a perfect marriage with mapped out timelines of how things will be. Much of the future planning in marriage is usually around financial and child stuff. Other than that I'm just living in the preset. For me, it's more coordination than anything else. I can't just get up and do what I want without taking into consideration that what I do may have a negative impact on her or my kids.

If your girlfriend says you shouldn't be thinking about marriage then I would go with that advice. She should be communicating with you that she's not ready for it.

 

[Gyakuto]

What? No sex therapy?

Oh I missed that one!

 

[drop bear]

What? No sex therapy?