On Human Nature

[Rich Parsons]

Dear Rich:

I don't know if this will help, but when I used to do modules for vets as part of the In-patient Treatment program a few of those modules dealt with helping those vets get some insight into how abusive relationships work. The way I would relate it was to liken a human being to a compass. To work well and get where they are going in life, parents help calibrate their lil' "compasses". Unfortunately some parents are not qualified for this task so that the child/compass thinks they are calibrated towards true "N" ("normal") and runs their lives accordingly. Problem is that EVERYONE ELSE has different calibration and the majority usually set the general belief about what "normal". Now, if enough people tell that mis-calibrated person that they are going the wrong way there are a couple of things that can happen. One is that the person can withdraw into their life because change is too scarey and shun other people. The other thing is that person can go to a special person/program/institution (therapy) and go through a process of recalibrating so that their idea of whats "normal" will change and they will move in a different direction in their life hopefully to come out in a better place. The idea of "self-esteem" is actually a matter of how much confidence one has in relying on whatever compass settings they have. Its been found out recently that bullies who everyone THOUGHT had poor self-esteem actually have very good self-esteem. Apparently this comes from all the reinforcment they get from their society for beating on people generally considered to be of aberrent or alternative lifestyles. As far as the abusive relationship example, a woman might think she is particularly virtuous letting her alcoholic husband, beat, abuse and violate her at will counting it as a sign of her dedication and perservence regarding her marriage. Good self-esteem but bad choices. Guys don't have any better.

You sorta hit a button with me when you mentioned "American women being easy". I have been speaking against the image our culture puts out about females for years now but have begun to wonder if underneath it all we are a bunch of closet pedaphiles. As much as Americans complain that people think our women are sluts, one has to only look at the media out-put to see that sex sells and fantasies no matter how incorrect sell the most. Oh, sure. Everybody is absolutely appalled at the thought of 5 y/o girls being deflowered by drunken uncles but that doesn't keep them from watching a made-for-TV movie about it, or a docu-drama on cable, or buying a porno flick. Give me a break, ya know?

Finally, I might not have done a good job of explain what I think the role of choice is. 10,000 years ago the Alpha male DID have his choice of the female and to some degree this still holds water. Alpha males in the form of the best athlete, the wealthiest corporate leader, most powerful political figure can have their choice of partners because power is the best aphrodisiac. Oh, sure. A women will select a nurturing male to help her manage her family, but she wants her children sired by a powerful, healthy Alpha, and settles for a nurturer later on when it becomes apparent that her dream of having an intellectual and physical Apollo. FWIW.

Best Wishes,

Bruce

Bruce,

Thanks for the reply, yet I am still a little confused.

I do not see the relationship or anaolgy between a gang member and an abused spouse?

The gang Member see violences as a way to power.

The abusing spouse see violence as a way of power.

I still do not see how the abused gets the power? And without power I do not see self esteem or confidence?

Still thinking

 

[glad2bhere]

Dear Rich:

".....The abusing spouse see violence as a way of power.

I still do not see how the abused gets the power? And without power I do not see self esteem or confidence?....."

Yes, I know what you mean. When it comes to talking about abusive relationships the role of the perp is always quite a bit more clear than that of the victim. For years the counseling profession always seemed to treat the victim (as such) as a kind of inanimate object that the perp wailed-on. Identifying lines of power and control usually seemed kind of obvious. In about the last 20 years or so, professionals have begun to look at the victim and asked questions about why they were making the choices THEY were making. This has opened up a very intriguing line of research. For instance, the perp was often a product of an abusive household--- and so were the victims. Now one would reasonably ask "why would a person who is raised in an abusive household choose to go into--- and remain--- in an abusive relationship?" Its not unlike a person who is raised in an alcoholic family. Why would they go out and marry an alcoholic KNOWING the devastation that such a decision might carry--- and CHOOSE to remain in such a relationship. The are apparently dynamics at work here that have been poorly understood and the research associated with has begun to change the manner in which these families are dealt with. FWIW.

Best Wishes,

Bruce