Headhunter
Senior Master
Yes I did and that's how that sounded to me. If im wrong I'm wrong but that's simply how it sounded to me
New and Trying to Find Direction
- Thread starter Budster
- Start date
Headhunter
Senior Master
Maybe check your facts....he said cerrone hasn't sparred in years...when was this uploaded?....2012...so 7 years ago...I think that counts as not sparring in years
Fair enough. I was just using that as an example of how extreme my critical response is.
I guess a simpler (and more appropriate) example is that people can often talk me into doing things that I donât want to do. Because I hit âcrisis modeâ so fast, and my response is always to retreat.
Headhunter
Senior Master
Wasn't ant insult towards you I questioned it and said if that is what you're saying then it's silly not outright saying your stupid for thinking that way,,..As I said in previous post running away from trouble is the best thing to do. If you have a way out take it run away no shame in that in the real world. It's the smart choice
if this was me I would probably take a 2 part approach because there's a mental factor going on and a physical factor. Maybe a Self Defense class to help with the mental factor of dealing with confrontation and sparring to help deal with the physical aspect of it.
it may be possible that this isn't just fear. It could be possible that it's a phobia of confrontation.
Yup. Now look at the date. Notice it's a long long time ago. As I said, he used to spar. He stopped because the risks outweighed any benefit.
I'm already older...
drop bear
Sr. Grandmaster
drop bear
Sr. Grandmaster
drop bear
Sr. Grandmaster
Headhunter
Senior Master
2016. 3 years ago
Headhunter
Senior Master
2015. 4 years ago...keep trying
Hi All,
I am 45 years old and considering learning a martial art. There are not a ton of options in my area and I am sort of stuck on which direction to take. The primary goal I wish to get out of this is to slow down my mental reaction and increase my awareness in high stress situations.
A little background on me. I am deathly afraid of confrontation. Always have been. My reaction to any threat, and any amount of adrenaline is immediate retreat. Even the slightest notion of confrontation triggers my adrenaline. And when faced with a situation where I must (or should) confront someone, I will almost certainly fold. As a result, I've lived my entire life with no confidence and very little self-respect.
Someone suggested I take a martial art. Most of what I can find in my area is Taekwondo that caters to children but some also have adult classes. Also nearby is an Okinawan Karate school, an Aikido school, and a boxing gym. If I wish to drive a ways, I could also consider a Kung Fu school, and I think there is also an MMA school.
What I *think* I should look for is a school that does sparring or other application work. Everything I've been researching says the best way to learn adrenaline management is to find a school that does sparring or other type of "free fighting". Basically, put myself in a confrontational situation where I don't know what's coming next.
For that, I figured boxing or Karate (as the Karate school near me does have sparring classes). But not many other schools do any type of sparring.
What I *want* to learn is Aikido. Mainly because there is a school nearby, I think it is an incredibly beautiful art, and I'm a small person without a lot of physical strength. But I don't think they do any type of sparring work.
All that said, I have been going to different schools, observing classes, and speaking with the instructors. I was hoping some of you experienced people could also weigh in with your thoughts about what I should look for and/or things I maybe haven't considered. And maybe a martial art isn't going to get me what I'm looking for. Brutal honesty is OK too.
Thank you in advance!
Take Aikido just because it is a wonderful art.
Wing Chun was design for small people.
Boxing has weight classes so you box someone your own size.
ShortBridge
3rd Black Belt
I will stay out of the style debate, but will say that training can/will help with your response to confrontation. Go with what you think fits you the best and keep track of that goal so that you recognize your progress.
drop bear
Sr. Grandmaster
https://scontent.fbne5-1.fna.fbcdn....=51bd5f940020fdb319d50daaae153f87&oe=5E4CA5C9
That one is in March. Check the BMF ranch Facebook page.
No insult taken. And I appreciate the clarification.
Like I said, I donât want to fight. I hate it. And I happen to believe that no one ever wins a fight... one just loses less than the other.
I also understand that sometimes it is unavoidable. But again, my primary motivation is for management of my critical response system. I have no respect for myself because I fold easily. I canât stand up for myself and I never could. Not even verbally. Thatâs no way to live. And itâs certainly not a quality I want my son to learn from me.
jobo
Grandmaster
for the meek will inherit the earth, if thats ok with you chaps ?
Budster,
Welcome to Martial Talk. I hope to give you a bit of a perspective shift and a perhaps few things to think about. How old is your son?
You called yourself a coward, well sir, welcome to being human. All have some fears, but few are willing to address them let alone to admit to their fears in such a brutal and honest way on a public forum.
Fear of Confrontations:
Fear is a survival mechanism. It is a very old, primitive, deep seated, mechanism. There is a spectrum of reactions. Most have heard of the fight, flight, and freeze responses and each of these can come in a spectrum. Amongst humans, we can sometimes get âstuckâ into a certain response no matter the different circumstances. We can become hyper-vigilant (hyper-arousal) or suffer from various anxiety disorders and paralysis (hypo-arousal) and can become stuck with this as our bodies go to response to any stimuli. I think it is more of a common affliction than generally believed. So basically Budster â you arenât alone my friend.
I do not believe that you need to throw yourself into the deep water by worrying about sparring and fightingâŠyet. Yes, jumping in and getting a bunch of experience in a short of amount of time can inoculate you and help to get you past the current responses to conflict that your body injects you with, but I do not think that it is a very healthy way of dealing with past traumaâs and current anxieties. At least not yet. I think that if not done correctly you can imprint very bad lessons and do harm to further progress in meeting your goals. Slow down, take it easy, you are only 40 â you have a lifetime remaining. I am not sure how old your boy is, but I know you either watched him or are watching him learn how to run. Do you remember what his first step in learning that skill was? First, he moved his eyes back and forth, up and down, circling his eyes and learning about his near environment. Then he learned how to organize his bodies structures to support huge movement, like lifting his head, moving his fingers and toes. Eventually after much progress he learned to roll over, then to propel himself toward some bright shiny object by scooting then crawling. Eventually reaching up and stretching to reach for the sky. Then leaning and falling, and falling, and falling. Eventually being able to take a step, then combine two or three steps before falling, and falling and falling. Then walking, tripping, and falling and eventually running. Hundreds of individual steps taken prior to taking the first locomotion of steps.
Perhaps your first step will be to see how often you can catch yourself holding your breath. Once caught, to then âsimplyâ learn to then exhale or inhale to release the moment. Budster, did you know that your breathing is a gateway, a bridge to all your other bodyâs systems, including your nervous system? If you can learn to start controlling your breathing it will positively better your entire life, including your relationship with fear, conflict, and your son. Several methods can be used to help you gain control of your breathing and nervous system responses. Russianmartialart.com has a few Systema DVDâs just about breathing, each giving a number of exercises and drills that you can do to help that part of your journey. These of course can be used with whatever martial path you take. The knowledge will allow you to travel further, faster and safer along your path. Breath training is a âsimpleâ step to widen your Window of Tolerance.
No matter the martial path you finally end up choosing Budster, even if your teacher doesnât emphasize the breathing â you yourself can focus on it. Any time you are paired up doing any kind of drill â work on your breathing to help you control your own bodies stress reactions. Fine tune your awareness to better feel when your body is hijacking your emotions and reactions. Currently your Window of Tolerance is VERY narrow. What you want to try to learn is methods of widening that window. If your Window of Tolerance was graphed it might look like a sharp narrow V, with sharp lines and angles. A better wider window graphed out might look more like a continues S but on its side. A wavy line, not a straight line but a nice mostly even line, a little arousal a little correction, a little depression and little correction. A graph with a bunch of Vâs would represent huge arousal forcing huge correction (if possible) a huge depression and huge correction (again if possible) as the bodyâs reactions are hyper or hypo excited forcing huge corrections to try to return to neutral. Ever watch your young son try to turn the faucets to make warm water? First too much hot, then too much cold, then too much hot, too much cold⊠We can do the same with our own bodies if we do not learn to recognize our own bodies reactions the instant that they begin to react. If we are numb to our bodies, by the time we realize that we are in conflict, it is very often too late, and we are hijacked.
We can get that awareness fine-tuned by focusing on everyday circumstances and situations that our bodies must adjust to. The traffic light turning orange, your boss calling your name, the elevator too crowded, your alarm clock buzzing, anything that causes even a tiniest minute reaction is a learning tool. Learning to honestly see these situations and your bodies reaction from the outside (almost like a third person) will give you the practice and to build up repetitions. Every time you catch yourself holding your breath and can release that hold- you gain positive feedback and practice. The only difference between these minor âconflictsâ or excitements/depressions and something major like a physical attack is the seriousness of the outcome and the speed of the excitement. Our body basically starts our internal reactions the same way. By using the not-to-serious situations as an awareness and breathing practice session we better arm ourselves to face the more serious of lifeâs encounters in a safe and productive manner.
Budster you wrote
ââI am a coward. It is embarrassing and shameful to admit.â snip
âAnd I am literally paralyzed in fear and anxiety. I freeze.â snip
Then one or two days later I am emotionally beating myself up because "I should have said XYZ," or, "I should have done ABC." Snip.
First, give yourself a pat on the back. The strategy that your body has used, has worked in the past. Congratulate yourself, say thank you. But now it is time to move on from that strategy. To get unstuck. You are still alive, and many arenât. As far as reliving and replaying the conflict you will need to look at it as not a loss but rather a chance to improve. Look at each conflict gratefully as a chance to fail and get better. All the negative thought easily can embody itself into you physically causing long term health considerations. Breathing exercises will help to excise the negative and promote the positive.
Your son IS watching. Do not be afraid to fail in front of him if it becomes a bounce or detour. It is ok for them to see you fail if they also see you correcting and trying to improve. Do not project your own anxieties onto the child. Let them fail, fall, and learn. Proper breathing will be a huge help in this part of the journey as wellâŠ.bonus.
Spouse or significant other â Budster, you didnât say if your spouse or significant other was into and supportive of your beginning the martial journey. One thing to beware of and I have seen it happen is that someone makes big changes and self improves. They start a path of growth and inadvertently grow out of their current relationship as they are growing and improving but the other isnât. The other can even unconsciously sabotage the journey as a means of holding on. By far, it is best to begin and end the journey together â on the same page, aware of the changes sought and the changes happening. Work as team. Engage your other as mentor, a mirror, and sounding board, and a critic.
It doesnât matter which martial path you choose if you take your time with it. I do think for the journey you are planning, one that has body contact in a non-threatening and safe environment would be better than fist or foot to the face get strong or get, type of art. Not sure if you have Systema in your area but if so, I would encourage you to investigate it. Aikido I think would be a good fit for you (being close to home makes it more likely that you would show up) as there will be body encounters and contact, people training with you not at you, and a chance to practice confrontations and grow in a safe environment. Just, beware of buying into any philosophy without looking at it with clear eyes and vision. Force yourself to stay on your path not a path marked out for others by others.
Another benefit that you might not have thought of by joining most martial arts clubs is that you are also joining a family, a brotherhood if you will of mostly like-minded people that will want the best for you. You will make relationships that will last the rest of your life. You do not need to fight this dragon on your own.
Good luck and please stay on the forum and journal your progress and choices. Somebody somewhere is gaining from the questions you had the courage to ask and the conversation you are having.
Warmest Regards
Brian King
Do you facebook Budster? The Dads Edge is a good group with an even better mastermind. I recommend both but the mastermind is very honest and a great place to go for tough conversations on being a dad. The dads edge podcast is one of my favs and it is from the podcast that the facebook group hatched.
Welcome to Martial Talk. I hope to give you a bit of a perspective shift and a perhaps few things to think about. How old is your son?
You called yourself a coward, well sir, welcome to being human. All have some fears, but few are willing to address them let alone to admit to their fears in such a brutal and honest way on a public forum.
Fear of Confrontations:
Fear is a survival mechanism. It is a very old, primitive, deep seated, mechanism. There is a spectrum of reactions. Most have heard of the fight, flight, and freeze responses and each of these can come in a spectrum. Amongst humans, we can sometimes get âstuckâ into a certain response no matter the different circumstances. We can become hyper-vigilant (hyper-arousal) or suffer from various anxiety disorders and paralysis (hypo-arousal) and can become stuck with this as our bodies go to response to any stimuli. I think it is more of a common affliction than generally believed. So basically Budster â you arenât alone my friend.
I do not believe that you need to throw yourself into the deep water by worrying about sparring and fightingâŠyet. Yes, jumping in and getting a bunch of experience in a short of amount of time can inoculate you and help to get you past the current responses to conflict that your body injects you with, but I do not think that it is a very healthy way of dealing with past traumaâs and current anxieties. At least not yet. I think that if not done correctly you can imprint very bad lessons and do harm to further progress in meeting your goals. Slow down, take it easy, you are only 40 â you have a lifetime remaining. I am not sure how old your boy is, but I know you either watched him or are watching him learn how to run. Do you remember what his first step in learning that skill was? First, he moved his eyes back and forth, up and down, circling his eyes and learning about his near environment. Then he learned how to organize his bodies structures to support huge movement, like lifting his head, moving his fingers and toes. Eventually after much progress he learned to roll over, then to propel himself toward some bright shiny object by scooting then crawling. Eventually reaching up and stretching to reach for the sky. Then leaning and falling, and falling, and falling. Eventually being able to take a step, then combine two or three steps before falling, and falling and falling. Then walking, tripping, and falling and eventually running. Hundreds of individual steps taken prior to taking the first locomotion of steps.
Perhaps your first step will be to see how often you can catch yourself holding your breath. Once caught, to then âsimplyâ learn to then exhale or inhale to release the moment. Budster, did you know that your breathing is a gateway, a bridge to all your other bodyâs systems, including your nervous system? If you can learn to start controlling your breathing it will positively better your entire life, including your relationship with fear, conflict, and your son. Several methods can be used to help you gain control of your breathing and nervous system responses. Russianmartialart.com has a few Systema DVDâs just about breathing, each giving a number of exercises and drills that you can do to help that part of your journey. These of course can be used with whatever martial path you take. The knowledge will allow you to travel further, faster and safer along your path. Breath training is a âsimpleâ step to widen your Window of Tolerance.
No matter the martial path you finally end up choosing Budster, even if your teacher doesnât emphasize the breathing â you yourself can focus on it. Any time you are paired up doing any kind of drill â work on your breathing to help you control your own bodies stress reactions. Fine tune your awareness to better feel when your body is hijacking your emotions and reactions. Currently your Window of Tolerance is VERY narrow. What you want to try to learn is methods of widening that window. If your Window of Tolerance was graphed it might look like a sharp narrow V, with sharp lines and angles. A better wider window graphed out might look more like a continues S but on its side. A wavy line, not a straight line but a nice mostly even line, a little arousal a little correction, a little depression and little correction. A graph with a bunch of Vâs would represent huge arousal forcing huge correction (if possible) a huge depression and huge correction (again if possible) as the bodyâs reactions are hyper or hypo excited forcing huge corrections to try to return to neutral. Ever watch your young son try to turn the faucets to make warm water? First too much hot, then too much cold, then too much hot, too much cold⊠We can do the same with our own bodies if we do not learn to recognize our own bodies reactions the instant that they begin to react. If we are numb to our bodies, by the time we realize that we are in conflict, it is very often too late, and we are hijacked.
We can get that awareness fine-tuned by focusing on everyday circumstances and situations that our bodies must adjust to. The traffic light turning orange, your boss calling your name, the elevator too crowded, your alarm clock buzzing, anything that causes even a tiniest minute reaction is a learning tool. Learning to honestly see these situations and your bodies reaction from the outside (almost like a third person) will give you the practice and to build up repetitions. Every time you catch yourself holding your breath and can release that hold- you gain positive feedback and practice. The only difference between these minor âconflictsâ or excitements/depressions and something major like a physical attack is the seriousness of the outcome and the speed of the excitement. Our body basically starts our internal reactions the same way. By using the not-to-serious situations as an awareness and breathing practice session we better arm ourselves to face the more serious of lifeâs encounters in a safe and productive manner.
Budster you wrote
ââI am a coward. It is embarrassing and shameful to admit.â snip
âAnd I am literally paralyzed in fear and anxiety. I freeze.â snip
Then one or two days later I am emotionally beating myself up because "I should have said XYZ," or, "I should have done ABC." Snip.
First, give yourself a pat on the back. The strategy that your body has used, has worked in the past. Congratulate yourself, say thank you. But now it is time to move on from that strategy. To get unstuck. You are still alive, and many arenât. As far as reliving and replaying the conflict you will need to look at it as not a loss but rather a chance to improve. Look at each conflict gratefully as a chance to fail and get better. All the negative thought easily can embody itself into you physically causing long term health considerations. Breathing exercises will help to excise the negative and promote the positive.
Your son IS watching. Do not be afraid to fail in front of him if it becomes a bounce or detour. It is ok for them to see you fail if they also see you correcting and trying to improve. Do not project your own anxieties onto the child. Let them fail, fall, and learn. Proper breathing will be a huge help in this part of the journey as wellâŠ.bonus.
Spouse or significant other â Budster, you didnât say if your spouse or significant other was into and supportive of your beginning the martial journey. One thing to beware of and I have seen it happen is that someone makes big changes and self improves. They start a path of growth and inadvertently grow out of their current relationship as they are growing and improving but the other isnât. The other can even unconsciously sabotage the journey as a means of holding on. By far, it is best to begin and end the journey together â on the same page, aware of the changes sought and the changes happening. Work as team. Engage your other as mentor, a mirror, and sounding board, and a critic.
It doesnât matter which martial path you choose if you take your time with it. I do think for the journey you are planning, one that has body contact in a non-threatening and safe environment would be better than fist or foot to the face get strong or get, type of art. Not sure if you have Systema in your area but if so, I would encourage you to investigate it. Aikido I think would be a good fit for you (being close to home makes it more likely that you would show up) as there will be body encounters and contact, people training with you not at you, and a chance to practice confrontations and grow in a safe environment. Just, beware of buying into any philosophy without looking at it with clear eyes and vision. Force yourself to stay on your path not a path marked out for others by others.
Another benefit that you might not have thought of by joining most martial arts clubs is that you are also joining a family, a brotherhood if you will of mostly like-minded people that will want the best for you. You will make relationships that will last the rest of your life. You do not need to fight this dragon on your own.
Good luck and please stay on the forum and journal your progress and choices. Somebody somewhere is gaining from the questions you had the courage to ask and the conversation you are having.
Warmest Regards
Brian King
Do you facebook Budster? The Dads Edge is a good group with an even better mastermind. I recommend both but the mastermind is very honest and a great place to go for tough conversations on being a dad. The dads edge podcast is one of my favs and it is from the podcast that the facebook group hatched.
KenpoMaster805
2nd Black Belt
Hi bud my suggestion is to take the Okinawan karate i think it would be effective for u and it would be great and they do a lot of okinawan karate arts like shotokan they do great sparting you would love that dont take taekwondo all they do is kicking when they sparring but choose wisely and make sure the instructor is great and will teach ya the right way and also make sure you can afford the cause
KenpoMaster805
2nd Black Belt
Im a small person to im 5'2 or 5'5with shoes and im 41 and i take American Kenpo karate
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