Need advice.

[wingchun100]

I don't know where you live (and I am still new here so I don't know you or what marital problems you have), but in New York State these are the rules:

If you have one child together, they take 17% of your adjusted gross income. For two kids, it is 25%.

 

[Kframe]

Thanks all for the thoughts.. Neither of us wants to divorce, and honestly my spiritual beliefs are against it.

Quite honestly we have been putting this off way to long. Coasting through until we boiled over into a huge fight and then make up and rinse and repeat.

JKS is correct in that I have been looking at only the symptom, not the cause. I hope we can identify them. I am sure I am one of them.. I am a guy after all and I do dumb guy things..

Thanks guys for the advice. Ill keep you guys updated as time goes by.

 

[Instructor]

My heart goes out to you Kframe. I've been in a difficult marriage myself before. I am in a fantastic one now thankfully. It is not the same marriage...lol. I ended up having to lose a marriage and then found a woman who is a great match for me. As painful as that marriage was and the the divorce I am happy now.

Do you and your wife attend Church or anything? Sometimes a pastor can find a way in to help when a counselor will be rebuffed. Also I hate to say it you might just try a big fat ultimatum. Tell her to choose between a counseling or a divorce lawyer. It's tough love but it sounds like she needs to be rattled into reality.

 

[Kframe]

Instructor she has agreed to see counseling with me. She is very uneasy about it but will go. I am glad to hear you are in a good relationship. I wish there was more research in to problems like this. I honestly think what I am going through goes beyond the stereotypical stuff. Such as wife not happy with husband who comes home and does not chores, so im going to punish him with nothing.. There must be something deeper to this.

Heck I have a male co worker who is low drive! Like nearly on the same level as my wife low!

 

[Steve]

I'm really glad to hear that you guys are going to counseling. I'd bet that all of the things you think are causing this are just symptoms and agree that at the very least, you guys aren't communicating very well.

At 10 years, you guys are actually at the point in your marriage most likely to end in divorce. Between 10 and 20 years, over 30% of marriages end in divorce. While I would never suggest that your weight has anything to do with the lack of intimacy, I WOULD encourage you to recommit to being the best possible version of yourself that you can be.

good luck!

 

[Mauthos]

Sad to hear the issues you are going through and I hope the counselling helps and things get sorted for you. Having just come out of a 15 year relationship followed by a 18 month legal battle to have access rights to my daughter, I can honestly say that going from a comitted relationship to being single is a hard adjustment and we had simlar issues as to yourself when it came to the bedroom. Although that wasn't the reason we ended up splitting.

Anyway, I am comfortable being single now, but I am not looking forward to looking for another partner, so I hope that you can both work things out before it gets to that stage where it has gone too far, which is what happened to me. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Instructor]

One thing I've learned is relationships are not about how many years they've existed. It's about what's happening right now, this moment. Live moment by moment and cherish that way. The years will take care of themselves.

 

[Kframe]

Valentines has come and gone, promises made and broken. Apologies issued but I feel they are empty. I am more convinced it is me. I have been reading various blogs about sexless marriages and it has been eye opening.

Christ help me..

 

[Kframe]

I'm really glad to hear that you guys are going to counseling. I'd bet that all of the things you think are causing this are just symptoms and agree that at the very least, you guys aren't communicating very well.

At 10 years, you guys are actually at the point in your marriage most likely to end in divorce. Between 10 and 20 years, over 30% of marriages end in divorce. While I would never suggest that your weight has anything to do with the lack of intimacy, I WOULD encourage you to recommit to being the best possible version of yourself that you can be.

good luck!

Steve as time goes by I am more and more convinced i am the problem. I think i am unattractive to her any more. Despite the fact i was 100lbs heavier then i am now. I am so close to dropping a bunch of cash on personal training at Absolute results here in fort wayne. They had a The biggest looser contestant working out there. I have seen the results they can bring. Its going to be expensive but by god ill melt in 6months..

Im about to shake things up. Im going to Beat my *** so senseless that when the year is up, no one will recognize me. Im sure that will change things. I hate my self so much..

 

[Steve]

Steve as time goes by I am more and more convinced i am the problem. I think i am unattractive to her any more. Despite the fact i was 100lbs heavier then i am now. I am so close to dropping a bunch of cash on personal training at Absolute results here in fort wayne. They had a The biggest looser contestant working out there. I have seen the results they can bring. Its going to be expensive but by god ill melt in 6months..

Im about to shake things up. Im going to Beat my *** so senseless that when the year is up, no one will recognize me. Im sure that will change things. I hate my self so much..

Couple things. First. If your marriage fails, it's not just you. It's not just your fault. Certainly, you were both involved. Which is why I think counseling is a great idea for you guys.

Second, it sounds like losing weight is something you really want to do, but it seems to me that you have some esteem issues that are causing a lot of problems for you. And I'd bet that until you address those, losing weight isn't going to be the panacea you think.

It just really sounds like talking to a pro would help a lot.


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[Kframe]

Couple things. First. If your marriage fails, it's not just you. It's not just your fault. Certainly, you were both involved. Which is why I think counseling is a great idea for you guys.

Second, it sounds like losing weight is something you really want to do, but it seems to me that you have some esteem issues that are causing a lot of problems for you. And I'd bet that until you address those, losing weight isn't going to be the panacea you think.

It just really sounds like talking to a pro would help a lot.


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Steve I have had issues with my weight for a long time. Its only recently that I have really started to take it seriously.(not hard to loose a 100lbs, its the other 100lbs that's hard) Its not just my weight that is causing esteem issues. With relationship problems like this it only adds to the feeling. Getting rejected every day for years starts to make you feel worthless and unattractive.

My reading on the blogs has enlightened me. A big factor after kids and medical stuff was finding your partner unattractive. That is the one thing I can change. So im going to beat my self silly and make my self look better. I have to do it any ways, what better reason then to gain the attraction of your partner..

 

[granfire]

Not trying to be harsh, mate, but you seem to be a bit centered around your problems.

Maybe with you losing this much weight, your wife is developing issues of her own?
I have been told women can have a lot of trouble losing weight (and kids tend to mess up the metabolism for you, making it even harder). So maybe she has her own fears about being to fluffy, unfit, etc for you.

 

[Kframe]

Gran you may be right. She is not unhealthy or at a unhealthy weight, so im not sure how it can be a problem? We have not really talked about it. She has mentioned that she wants to loose more weight. I guess my thing is out side of non existent libido, I don't see a problem. Could there be a problem? Hopefully we can have a discussion and have it not turn into a fight.

 

[granfire]

Gran you may be right. She is not unhealthy or at a unhealthy weight, so im not sure how it can be a problem? We have not really talked about it. She has mentioned that she wants to loose more weight. I guess my thing is out side of non existent libido, I don't see a problem. Could there be a problem? Hopefully we can have a discussion and have it not turn into a fight.

Womens self image is totally verkackt.
You see models who can't spell wrinkle advertise anti aging cream, girls you can drive a truck between their closed legs show you what clothes to wear.
Beautiful women are photoshopped into crotesque images of beauty which resemble Barbie more than anything, reality cannot keep up with that!
A guy's magic number is his football jersey, a woman's worth is tied to her dress size!

If she stays home with the kids, she is a moocher, if she goes off to work, she is a bad mother, leaving her precious children in the care of others. You can simply not win!

Maybe you can help her along in her journey for fitness. Invite her to come to the gym with you (but be advised, there is a huge thresh hold there, some/many women do not like to be surrounded by young muscle bound guys when they feel fat and ugly) and work out. it's not easy to do this with a spouse though, you might need a (female?) trainer for her.
Getting physical is a mood booster, toning up an aphrodisiac.
Maybe (with the help of your counselor) you can make this a family project, date night at the gym, include the kids where possible, healthy foods, etc.

But be warned:
It looks good on paper.
I am right now trying this with my family.
I think I will have better results talking to a brick wall!


ETA:
Have you told her you find her attractive?
I mean, not that that matters a lot when her mind is made up.
but still, girls like to hear that.

Also, one huge problem with women: they live by the scale far to often. There are often problems when the scales go up instead of down when dieting and working out! It's a steep learning curve to accept fitness and dress sizes over weight as indicator of progress.

 

[Brian King]

K-Frame, I have to echo Gran’s observations regarding a woman’s self-esteem and the connection that has to ‘sex drive’. Also connected to the ‘drive’ is if a women feels appreciated, loved, understood, etc. Focusing on yourself is fine but expecting losing weight to make a lot of difference is setting up an expectation that might not be met. The loss of weight can just as easily further sabotage a weak relationship. A gym membership for your wife might work but I doubt it. It could easily be seen as your saying she is not good enough or that you are looking to change her cause you are not satisfied…type of friction.

As a Christian I am going to assume that you have leadership in your spirit and soul. Rather than bring her dragging to the gym to ‘fix’ her, start to talk to her about your dreams. You sir are motivated, but because you know where you want to go (weight loss) and how you want to get there (gym membership) you have part of the why and how, while your wife does not have that information or motivation (yet). She may not love you more for losing weight, if you are lucky and work at it, she will love you more in spite of your losing weight. Coming on all strong will confuse her and perhaps set up a defensiveness cycle that will wear on you or that you will negatively react to. Instead of coming on strong with how you are going to change and you will support her changing I suggest that you start sharing the big picture, your dreams. I am not talking about having a talk and the stress that can bring. I am talking a few minutes here and there. Late at night while drifting off to sleep, a few minutes while doing dishes together, while muting a commercial during a movie on T.V. all of these and many many more are an opportunity to bring her onboard, to start sharing a dream of what the future you two will be sharing might look like. Some examples but come up with your own based on what you both see the perfect future looking/feeling like.

“Honey, I heard a story about a guy I knew in high school that died last month. He was carrying too much weight and now his family is struggling. Hearing about Jerry, touched my heart. I saw you and the children when I looked into the mirror. I think I truly saw myself honestly and it has been too long since I looked. I have been attempting to be a better father and a better husband and I REALLY like how it is making me feel. I love you and I want to be here for you. I promise that I will do whatever it takes to take care of my family”

“Sugar, I saw a couple at the park by the office today. You could just tell that they were so in love. Something about the way they were holding hands while they were walking and the way they were looking at each other. It was like, total commitment, totally engaged in each other. I flashed back to that night we were walking after that show back when we were dating. Honey, let’s go for a walk after dinner tonight. I miss sharing that feeling with you. It has been too long since I gave you my 100 percent attention and walked with my stomach pulled in because I wanted you to be proud of me.”

“Honey, dinner was fantastic. Let me do the dishes and dish up two bowls of ice cream. You go sit on the couch and put in a movie and I will join you in a few minutes.”

“Honey, I saw a really cool house today. Someday, we will be able to live in a home like that. There were a bunch of fruit trees in front and looked like a garden on the side. It had two fireplaces and a big bay window. It had a large yard with a big dog on the porch. I can really see us retiring someday to a place like that.

These talks have to be honest and from the heart and for Heaven’s sake listen and HEAR if she talks and shares her dreams. It is about building a shared future. It is about learning how to communicate using a safe subject.

K-Frame. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? The acting is amateurish and the message is not hidden, but it is worthwhile. The book and movie should be available at your library. Watch it alone and then if it speaks to you act on it.

Change of subject- It is great taking responsibility but is not helpful to take the blame. There is a difference. You did not start out wanting to sabotage the relationship. You did not consciously gain weight just to piss her off. The language you used above thread is not helping you. A very large part of spirituality is learning how to forgive. It has to start in our own heart first. We cannot blame others but equally we have to see that we did not do evil on purpose but simple got off track, we didn’t do whatever wrong, we just did it in a way that could have been done better. How we communicate to ourselves limits and define how we communicate to others. “Lord have Mercy on me a sinner” goes a very long ways brother.

Good luck
Regards
Brian King

 

[Steve]

There's so much here that we can't really know. 10 years of marriage and more time in the courtship leading to this point in your life, plus a life time of scars and poorly healed battle wounds.

My opinion (and that is all this is!) is that you have plenty of issues on your own to confront without trying to ALSO "fix" your wife's issues. One issue that seems clear from what you've posted so far is that you and your wife have communication challenges. A marriage counselor can help you guys with that, if you are both willing to confront the issue. But outside of that, there is NO WAY for you to really know what your wife is thinking or feeling until she has both the desire AND the ability to tell you. And it doesn't sound, frankly, like either of you have the tools to speak from the heart. You need some help.

It also sounds like you guys have some issues with trust.

Beyond that, if your wife has esteem issues, you CANNOT HELP HER until you get your own house in order. As I said before, you have to work on yourself before you take on someone else. What you CAN do for your wife is to encourage her to help herself. Ultimately, change MUST come from the inside. You can only provide the opportunities for her self improvement, but you cannot force your wife to confront esteem issues, confidence issues, body image issues, communication issues or any other kind of issue. She has to both acknowledge the issue AND be willing and able to confront the issue before any change will happen. And she needs the "tools" to do it, which again, it doesn't sound like you guys have.

Bottom line for me, it really, really, really, really sounds like you guys need to talk to a real, live, competent and qualified therapist. If your wife won't go with you initially, go on your own. Get help and advice from a trained professional and not from a bunch of strangers (however well meaning and genuinely concerned we might be). Here in the States, many employees offer an Employee Assistance Program, where you can get in to see a therapist at no cost for at least a few sessions. A trained therapist will help you identify the root issues at work AND will help you develop the skills you need in order to overcome them.