Girlfriend problems

[jks9199]

Maybe you can find some help here.

 

[Mimir]

It sounds to me like there are some fundamental differences between the two of you. There is nothing inherently wrong with either way, just different. The problem is that you seem to be trying to change this difference in her. The way I see it, you have two choices. Accept her the way she is or end the relationship. If you continue to try to change her, the only result will be resentment, anger, and conflict on both sides.

 

[celtic_crippler]

Um...

You sound young and waaaay too uptight about what your girlfriend does, and you don't realize that she's a human being, too. Not your property.

From personal experience: break it off yourself. Get out there, actively try to find someone that fits your criteria in a woman (look in churches), instead of trying to change someone.

You might not have any "urges" or desires to do anything, but you should enrich your life through experience and drive. Become more interesting (if you decide to stick it through...).

And yeah, if her male "best friend" is more compatible with her than you, sooner or later, she's going to leave you for him. I really wouldn't lose any sleep over this. A few therapy sessions would get you over it in no time.

Break it off. Now.

What he said.

 

[swiftpete]

You sound like you need to relax and start having a bit of fun. Your girlfriend told you she had 1 drink with her mother and you immediately thought "Uh oh! Regulations violation!" and started into a lecture about your morals??! You sound like a real catch.

I'm not surprised her mates have said that she's no fun now if that's the way you are and now want her to be. I'm not saying you have to drink and take drugs to have a good time, but having a drink is not like committing murder you know, billions of people across the world do it. My father was an alcoholic but it doesn't mean I can't relax with a beer.

If you're very quiet and ordered and she likes to have fun and enjoy herself I think you'd better prepare for her leaving you for someone she can enjoy life with. A girl who is relaxed, fun and spontaneous is what the majority of men in the world would love for a girlfriend. Why don't you try having some fun yourself, you might even like it?

Otherwise you're right to be worried, there are plenty of men out there that do like doing the things she does and unless she's frightfully ugly then you're probably going to find her going off with one of those.

 

[Phoenix44]

is it wrong of me to push my values on her even IF she'd have nothing to gain but good from the change?

In short, yes, it is wrong of you.

Firstly, you say she's changed to accommodate you. How have YOU changed to accommodate HER?

Secondly, if she's an adult, then drinking a margarita is legal, and kind of normal. "Regulations violation?" Are you her boyfriend or her parole officer?

Thirdly, YOU don't get to decide if "she'd have nothing to gain but good from the change." SHE does.

As for the male friend, well, I agree that you should be the #1 relationship in her life. Are you? Because if you are, then you have to get over your jealousy, and allow her to have one of the few friends she still has left. If you aren't her #1, then you have your answer. Only you can sort that out.

It sounds to me as though the two of you are very different in priorities and temperament. That can be a good thing, if you're BOTH willing to compromise. Are YOU? Look, I'm a serious, left-brained Virgo, and my partner is a free-spirited Sagittarian musician. I balance the check book, he chooses our weekend entertainment. We've both adapted to each other, cut each other some slack, and we've been together happily for 9 years.

I don't want to be mean, but you sound like a little bit of a control freak...I would advise HER to be very cautious in committing to you if she doesn't want her wants and needs suppressed.

In any event. DO NOT GET MARRIED until you figure it out. Good luck.

 

[Jimi]

I would not be so concerned about if her character is different. You say she is free and you are more conservative, that does not make a relationship faulty. If she has this best friend that has you uptight, you may very well go thru the time in a young mans life where you fear being the CAPTAIN CLUELESS (The boyfriend, spouse, signifagant other that is blind to the relationship developing under your nose). Why are you so upset, we just spent the night together, nothing happened! He is just a friend! I myself and friends have gone thru this. When you worry that a long time friend is working towards being more than just a friend, that can have your sensibilities going crazy. Why do they talk so much? Why are they secretive with their time together? Etc...I will not BS you, you might have some emotional hardships ahead. Not being a doom sayer, just I have delt with similar issues. If she is interested in moving her relationship with this old friend to another level, try to see it and not be too hurt by it. Do not turn yourself into the questioning overlord, this will turn you into the bad guy the old friend needs to make him the White Knight In Shining Armour to sweep her off her feet to elsewhere. Be honest and level headed with her. You may find yourself seeing things that seem to hint that something is going on behind the scenes, and this can be magnified by emotion. People grow and sadly sometimes they grow apart. Hang in there man. Hope for the best. PEACE

 

[tko4u]

I have this girlfriend of nearly 3 years now, and she and I are quite literally from two opposite ends of the spectrum. I love order and stability in my life, I strive to reach a higher quality of living both physically and mentally. I object to drinking any alcohol or smoking anything in ANY quantity (Never smoked, had a shot of Sake last New Year's which was actually offered by my parents). My girlfriend is a person run by fun and spontaneity, two things that AREN'T on the top of my priorities. (I'm not trying to say one way is superior to the other, I'm just showing the difference in our characters)

Two things:

The first problem here is, she's already changed alot for me in contrast to how she used to be before we met. She was much like 98% of the teenage population, curious about many things; drugs, alcohol, boys, etc. After being with me for so long, the damage stemming from my rather conservative ways has become apparent. She's lost nearly all her friends because they say she's "no longer fun to hang out with". Though this was never my true intent to begin with, I've been told I was wrong for making her this way, as these are her "college years" and she NEEDS to get this sort of stuff out of her system. I ask, then why am I so different? I don't have ANY urge or curiousity that I am compelled to satisfy, so does that not prove that this behaviour is NOT necessary or instinctive? This stems from a recent talk she and I had. She was drinking a margarita the other night at home (With her mother), and she told me about it. Naturally, my first thought was "Uh oh! Regulations violation!" and got a little upset and told her that I morally object to the intake of any alcohol in any form. She knew I was mad about it even after I told her that I ALSO concern for her health as well, another reason I don't like her doing anything like that. Please note that I'm not trying to make her out as some kind of wild-child, as this was really the only time she'd done that in a long time really. But is it wrong of me to push my values on her even IF she'd have nothing to gain but good from the change? I feel like I'm in this for the long run with her and that this isn't just another dating romance, so I wouldn't bother with it in the first place if I didn't feel like it was a big investment or commitment.

Second. She also has this friend of hers of about 8 years. According to her he is her best friend (This likely wouldn't be an issue if he weren't a guy....then again I can't be so sure). The thing is, I've been with her for near 3 years now and I feel that I should be #1 in her life as she is in mine, especially since we're both planning for that infamous long-term commitment. She even SAYS that I am and that if she liked her best friend that way she would be with him and not me. True. But still, my problem here is that I feel jealous. I feel that way because there are always these little moments or things she says that goes to show me how inseparable their friendship/bond is, and I think the MAIN reason I make such a big stink over this is because I've never had any real friends, much less a BEST friend to understand why he's so damned important to her (Comes with being a military kid I guess, move to a new State ever 4 years or so). To me it just feels like there's an understanding between them that she and I will never have, at least not before their bond gets any stronger. Maybe I'm just being jealous for no good reason? Maybe I'm being immature and have NOTHING to be upset about in the first place? I'm about ready to resign to that....but I want to at least get a broader range of opinions on the matter before doing so (So far it's been nothing but people she's known for a longer time, so as such I feel there's at least some bias there). I feel it boils down to this: She can get rid of me and be sad for weeks, maybe even months, but eventually recover and find someone else, but she makes it seem that if she lost her friend she'd never be the same person again, and being in the position of boyfriend it bothers me.

Whoa, been there! I mean EXACTLY there! Man, you have a hard road ahead. If you try to be yourself (strict) you WILL lose her because she will see you as controlling. However, if you loosen up, you WILL feel like you are giving up some of your beliefs, and it will feel horrible.

There is only one real way to make this right. You have to find middle ground THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH. Loosen up on the small stuff, she is with YOU, remember that! If she wanted her best friend, she would have him. But you need to talk to her and find middle ground. If it is found, you will both feel better.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[grydth]

Days like this I'm glad I decided long ago to commit to a solitary life.

You have doomed yourself. No sooner had I firmly committed to a solitary life following a divorce than I met an unbelievable woman. No reason to want to change her, she's better than I could have dreamed.

All the world conspires against a single man. No sooner had you posted this than every woman here, and most of the men, began thinking," Now who do I know that's single in Taxachuesetts?........"

You're cooked. This time, the crowbar won't help.

 

[bluemtn]

Nyrotic-

If you haven't brought your concerns/ thoughts to your girlfriend yet, I strongly recommend that you do. Before you make any other decision concerning wheter or not you should break up. I'm not one to tell someone to break any relationship off, but three years is a long time to be together, just on a "girlfriend- boyfriend" level. If you feel so strongly about her being best friends with another guy, access (internally) why you're feeling this way. Maybe it's time to take this another step, in either direction. You're right, expecting/ requiring someone to change is a bit wrong in certain respects. Maybe you two can meet half way, if you decide to take it a step farther? If not, then perhaps it is time to not go any further than this.

Point is- communication is key in any relationship. Neither one of you will be happy until you get somethings out in the open, and worked out.