Methods to control temper

[TheOriginalName]

I just wanted to add a few of my thoughts to this discussion.....

Firstly, anger is an emotion and a very powerful one at that. It has it's uses - it helps us protect ourselves and those around us. But like all emotions we can allow it to control us.

Something i've noticed is that in general it's only guys who have bad tempers. I think this comes down to the fact that women are raised to talk about their emotions where as guys are not. The old saying "Suck it up sweatheart" comes to mind here.

I strongly recommend to anyone who has a anger problem to make an appointment to talk to a professional about it. I did this a couple of years ago and learnt more about myself in the space of 6 months than i had in my lifetime. And i've noticed the differences - i can't think of the last time i actually lost my cool......

Anyway, this is just a bunch of thoughts.......

Oh, one last thing. Make sure you get your friend out of that bad situation. No person, male or female, deserves to be assulted by someone who claims to care for them.

 

[Brian S]

Anger is something we choose, just like most tghings in life.

I had an aquaintance who would get very angry at his girlfriend and punch walls,etc..He was easily angered by those weaker than himself,but when it came down to someone who would beat the crap out of him he was somehow able to control it.

This should tell you something.

 

[bluekey88]

First off, to the OP, congrats on taking this veyr important step. You;re doing a corageous thing seeking help. The good news is that this will more than likely help to improve your situation. It takes some work, but speaking from personal experience, it's worht it.

Now I want to take a moment to quibble a bit:

Anger is something we choose, just like most tghings in life.

I had an aquaintance who would get very angry at his girlfriend and punch walls,etc..He was easily angered by those weaker than himself,but when it came down to someone who would beat the crap out of him he was somehow able to control it.

This should tell you something.

I am 99.99% positive we do not choose anger. Anger is an emotion...emotions are the result of a complex interaction of neurochemical reactions (learned and innate) and to my thinking are largely outside of one's control.

What I mean is emotions arise from experiential stimuli and are a result of said stimuli. They can be shaped, trained through lrearning and experience...but we cannot simply turn them off.

What we have control over (and this is the important bit) is our BEHAVIORS. How we express our emotions is key. So, I get angry...all the time. Every day. That's normal. Just like I get happy just about every day. If, when I get angry I punuch someone...that's a problem. So, over the years i;ve developed tools to express my anger in socially appropriate ways. I've also learned how to mask emotions when necessary (so i look calm, but inside I may be feeling rather murderous).

So, while I do not think we have much control of how we feel. We can control how we express that.

Emotions are good. They're normal. Even anger, hate and rage. The task of healthy people is to manage their expression of emotions so as not to harm others and not to harm oneself .

Peace,
Erik

 

[myusername]

First off, to the OP, congrats on taking this veyr important step. You;re doing a corageous thing seeking help. The good news is that this will more than likely help to improve your situation. It takes some work, but speaking from personal experience, it's worht it.

Now I want to take a moment to quibble a bit:



I am 99.99% positive we do not choose anger. Anger is an emotion...emotions are the result of a complex interaction of neurochemical reactions (learned and innate) and to my thinking are largely outside of one's control.

What I mean is emotions arise from experiential stimuli and are a result of said stimuli. They can be shaped, trained through lrearning and experience...but we cannot simply turn them off.

What we have control over (and this is the important bit) is our BEHAVIORS. How we express our emotions is key. So, I get angry...all the time. Every day. That's normal. Just like I get happy just about every day. If, when I get angry I punuch someone...that's a problem. So, over the years i;ve developed tools to express my anger in socially appropriate ways. I've also learned how to mask emotions when necessary (so i look calm, but inside I may be feeling rather murderous).

So, while I do not think we have much control of how we feel. We can control how we express that.

Emotions are good. They're normal. Even anger, hate and rage. The task of healthy people is to manage their expression of emotions so as not to harm others and not to harm oneself .

Peace,
Erik

Very, very good points.

 

[Razorfoot]

A friend of mine posted this on another forum in response to a similar thread. I found it to be true in my case and quite helpful as I had a temper problem as well. If you feel it applies to your situation, I hope you find it helpful too.

"Anger is sometimes considered to be a secondary emotion. It is secondary in the sense that especially in men that it covers an underlying feeling. The feeling underneath anger is usually fear, embarassment or shame. It is socialy acceptable for men to express anger rather than fear or shame.
Using awarness and honest self reflection to discover the fear below the anger can cut off the tree at the root. Not perfectly. Anger as an emotion can be benefitial to us as all emotions can. Used innapropriatly or too often causes us to recruit and use adrenaline more than we need to which can lead to adrenal exhaustion or Hypoadrena. One other issue is one of perception that can be reffered to as "Attributional Style". If someone is driving too fast and cuts in front of me and speeds off I can make it personal "That @$$f&er cut (me) Off" or "Man that was close I hope they make it home safe". Either approach can become habitual leading to greater peace or increased tension."

I chose greater peace. There are still tough moments but taking the time to really look at what is behind the anger helps me to take the edge off.

Scottie

 

[Em MacIntosh]

Keep the consequences of your actions foremost in your mind. There's a japanese expression called taking something on with the "serious sword". It essentially means full concentration, life or death seriousness. Letting your emotions get the best of you can unexpectedly destroy your entire life. Violence is inexusable and controlling your emotions is a matter of willpower and redirection. It all stems from frustration and that energy build-up can be used constructively. Let yourself get angry in a controlled manner to manage it as it can be satisfying to feel angry when you're angry and denial will create a buildup of pent up emotion. Acknowledge that you're upset, why you're upset and what's worth/not worth doing about it. Careful with the internalization as it only reflects.

 

[JBrainard]

thanks for the help everyone. Im think Im going to seek some professional help. Im having a bunch of family issues which is really stressing me out and Im almost to a breaking point over it. Thanks again and Ill let you know what happens.

B

If I may make a suggestion based on my own experience... Since family issues seem to be the "trigger" for a lot of your stress, maybe you should look into generalized counceling before going strait into anger management counceling. I've found that if you deal with the root causes of your anger, the "raging" goes away pretty much by itself. Anger management counceling is good if you get your head and life strait yet still have a problem.