*is freaking out*

[mj-hi-yah]

True...the pure fact that problems with her life are driving her to this decision is a big red flag to me though.

Agreed...

 

[loki09789]

I don't know, guys. One fundamental precept of "growing up" is that people will make mistakes. I am a firm believer that the very best lessons in life, that is to say, the ones that we value the most, are the ones that we learn on our own.

If this girl is 18 years old, she's old enough to make her own decisions.

I figure that you, Samantha, need to revisit exactly who you are in this, and what responsibilities you actually have.

You say that you are her friend - she has confided something in you, and trusted you to keep that information private. There's a reason that she wants to keep it private - ought you not respect that, as a friend?

However, if you decide that your loyalties lie with her parents, or if you feel that her parents are better able to make her decisions for her, and you are really only concerned about her own well being, then by all means, tell them.

Above all, do not be a hypocrite. How would you feel if the roles were reversed here?

In closing, let me just add that there are a number of assumptions and suppositions that have been made throughout this thread so far regarding what "harmful" things "may" befall her. Let us not lose sight of the potentially "wonderful" and "eye opening" experiences she may miss out on if her plans are usurped.

I agree that this is likely a difficult problem for you. Are you her keeper, or confidant?

Or....she confided in her friend hoping that Sam would bail her out because she wants her mother or someone to find out but doesn't have the fortitude, conscious will or what ever to do it herself.....

I can't assume the motives or reasons for her friend confiding in Sam, all I can do is deal with what Sam seems to think is the correct choice and that can only come from her own words.

 

[Sam]

I don't know where the term 'friend' came from. I like her and we get along, but she lives halfway across the country. she's my relative! Much more so than a friend, I can only see her like twice a year.

I asked her what her plans are - she has a friend there who already has an apartment and she's gonna live with her and pay rent to her. And she's been invited to train in japan at two different universities. Her parents and coach don't like her BF, and at a tournament they were caught together alone, and her caoch told her mom and her mom is furious and says now that she is 18 she has to pay rent and her coach basically wants nothing to do with her. (I asked her specifically about the coach but she didn't want to talk about it - I got the impression that he was very angry and dissapointed but not that he didnt want to train her anymore) so her mentality is "screw that, if I have to pay rent I'll do it somewhere where I can do whatever I want"

The reason I'm sort of "ugh should I tell" is that its the kind of thing she would do and its the kind of thing she might actually pull off. But it's gonna be really really bad for her career, and she's gonna get her family furious with her, and she admitted that the whole point of going was to "get on her own two feet and level my head"

that doesnt seem the way to do it to me...

I still have 7 days to think about it anyway

 

[Tgace]

Heck if she has a plan,place,options and opportunity....go for it I guess.

 

[Ceicei]

Heck if she has a plan,place,options and opportunity....go for it I guess.

She might have a place and opportunity, but money?? It is expensive to live there and in order to pay rent, she must have money. Even with finding a "minimum wage" job, it is going to be a big challenge to make it independently in NY. Transportation is another issue. I hope she has a plan already with her financial situation.

She needs to do her "homework" by doing research now about the area where she plans to live, before she moves there--rent and shelter expenses, available transportation, average income and types of job opportunities for a person with her skills/talents, proximity to locations where she will frequent, as well as population demographics, etc.

- Ceicei

 

[DarrenJew]

The compassion expressed in this forum is out of the ordinary... especially for the cold heated forums that are known to be pervasive on the internet.

With the light of new information that you’ve presented to us… I agree with Tgrace. It may be time to break those apron strings. You cant be a child forever. If she has a place to go and a plan… let her have a taste of freedom. She will know before long if her wings are developed enough to fly… If not the porch light should stay lit for a while. If she is successful then it’s sometimes hard to go back home no-matter how much we want to.

I wish her all the best. As for the people on this forum should be proud of the support that they have shown on this thread. All posts have taken this matter seriously and have not made light of the problem. You ppl really sometimes impress me!

 

[rutherford]

You said you thought this would be bad for her career. What kind of career does she have at 18?

In my opinion, you haven't given any good reasons for breaking her trust.

As for the 4am flight, it was probably the cheapest.

 

[Sam]

her martial arts career. She's pretty prolific.

 

[terryl965]

I don't know where the term 'friend' came from. I like her and we get along, but she lives halfway across the country. she's my relative! Much more so than a friend, I can only see her like twice a year.

I asked her what her plans are - she has a friend there who already has an apartment and she's gonna live with her and pay rent to her. And she's been invited to train in japan at two different universities. Her parents and coach don't like her BF, and at a tournament they were caught together alone, and her caoch told her mom and her mom is furious and says now that she is 18 she has to pay rent and her coach basically wants nothing to do with her. (I asked her specifically about the coach but she didn't want to talk about it - I got the impression that he was very angry and dissapointed but not that he didnt want to train her anymore) so her mentality is "screw that, if I have to pay rent I'll do it somewhere where I can do whatever I want"

The reason I'm sort of "ugh should I tell" is that its the kind of thing she would do and its the kind of thing she might actually pull off. But it's gonna be really really bad for her career, and she's gonna get her family furious with her, and she admitted that the whole point of going was to "get on her own two feet and level my head"

that doesnt seem the way to do it to me...

I still have 7 days to think about it anyway

Samantha if she has a plan and she is a relitive my bad a thought friend. Support her decission and let her wings flourish on her own. Sound like she has everything worked out. Her career what career when I was 18 I hicthhike across this great country you could do that then and had a blast me and my friend planned the trip out and was gone for 3 months we did alright. some of my foundest memories is of that summer. Stand by if she needs your help and go from there. GOD BLESS AMERICA

 

[Sam]

you must have started posting before I did. Her martial arts career. she's pretty prolific.

 

[Ceicei]

her martial arts career. She's pretty prolific.

Does she already have a training place in NY?

Ummm. This just reminds me of the histories of some kenpoists who left for California with almost nothing on their backs and some without a place to live. Under Grandmaster Parker's guidance, they became today's well known leaders in the Kenpo society.

If your relative is already a "prolific martial artist" and she has located a training place within her style, perhaps even teach there (if her rank, knowledge, and experience are of sufficient level acceptable to that place to teach and earn $ at the same time). That will be a good way to start before going to Japan for further martial arts training.

- Ceicei

 

[TigerWoman]

At 18 one is fearless, I was at 19. Hard to tell my daughter the world is a hard place. But you really have to plan, and have money. I did both and lasted less than a year in art school in Denver alone. My daughter "winged" it also and would have failed going across the country but for the gas money, I gave her. She would have been stuck in her bf's parent's apartment had I not gotten her first apartment for other reasons too. It goes on from there. No plans, no money, she probably won't last a few months and that's being generous. New York people will tell you that. Tell her parents, maybe they can get through to her to plan first. TW

 

[terryl965]

you must have started posting before I did. Her martial arts career. she's pretty prolific.

Well then let her experiment with her Art and she if she can do it. If her leaving means better training and thats what she want stand by her and help her fulfill her quest.

 

[DarrenJew]

Funny how girls alway's (often) find it necessary to have their independence at a early age. My sister was the same way. At 18 wanted and apartment and do her own things, she was an “adult” and had something to prove to herself. Funny how my brother and I would have been happy to stay home till the age of 30… but things come up and life leads you onto your own paths whether your ready or not.

Things happen the road of life is not a straight one. On a bad note. My sister moved out got her taste of freedom. Our mom was very upset, before the year was up she died of an aneurism. My mom and my sisters used to be best friends at one point in their lives. My sister never got to say Good Bye to mom, and will always live with the memory and guilt of disappointment the last year of our moms life. I hope things work out better for your relative.

 

[lulflo]

It sounds like some psychology is in order here to get her to tell her family on her own. This is kind of a ploy, but you can probably pull it off if you want to.


How about if you tell her that you are going to go with her. Get really excited with her about everything that you are going to do, and REALLY plan it out, on paper to show what is needed to make the trip happen, then after you have spent the time (gaining her confidence), let her know that although she doesn't want to tell anyone about it, that you would like to make sure that you inform your loved ones, etc and that way they won't be worried about you and all the great stuff that goes along with that conversation. I am thinking that after hearing your rational ideas about how you want to make all of it ACTUALLY work and the facts about what you are doing, that she will come to her senses a little or a lot. You can probably back out of the whole thing really easily by talking about all of the things you are going to miss and the opportunities that will be wasted by leaving in the middle of your situation. I still think she will have the conversation in her head about talking to her family after listening to your rational thoughts.

Either way, it is just another possibility.

Good Luck.

Larry

 

[mj-hi-yah]

Things happen the road of life is not a straight one. On a bad note. My sister moved out got her taste of freedom. Our mom was very upset, before the year was up she died of an aneurism. My mom and my sisters used to be best friends at one point in their lives. My sister never got to say Good Bye to mom, and will always live with the memory and guilt of disappointment the last year of our moms life. I hope things work out better for your relative.

Sorry to hear about your loss. I hope your sister can find peace with it. :asian:

 

[Kelligren]

I've been a rebellious teenager and a dad. And at 18, no way I was mature, even if the law said I was.

Tell the parents.

 

[DarrenJew]

mj-hi-yah
Thank you, it happened in 1984, almost 21 years ago. But it’s funny how somethings stick in your mind and still feel like yesterday. I don’t recommend holding grudges in family disputes... Especially with parents, life is too short, and though parents often seem pretty invincible, they can be taken away rather suddenly and I do not think anyone is ever prepared when it actually happens. My only advice... for those that still have parents, don’t forget to tell them you love them...

 

[OULobo]

I know when I got back from college I had an education, but no real direction, so I returned home to two very welcoming parents. I spent a year at home and in that year my father and I had alomst come to blows twice. It just wasn't healthy to stay around. I moved out to pursue a relationship and to get some distance from home. The truth is that it worked and was one of the best things I ever did. I became closer to my parents with the extra space to grow and I learned the value of some independance that you can't get at college. Two years later my father died of a cancer relapse bout that lasted less than a week. I was glad I had those two years of true friendship instead of constant headbutting.

 

[47MartialMan]

Tell her if she believes she is such an adult, than she should talk this over with her parents-no matter the outcome.
Obviously she is not an adult if she plans on "running away" from her problems. If she was such, why is the drinking age 21? Hmmnnn.....

You are the "in-between". Therefore, you must help her understand. I understand the need for confidence, but what if such confidence will bring more harm?

Talk them into staying around for a little longer. Give them other things to focus on. Let them meet new people and do new things. Find a place for them to stay, per a new roomate. Perhaps a new town not so distant would be a fresh start.