instructor/student relationship- what to do?

jim777 said:
I agree with Iceman here.

Now, if I had to choose between my wife (or for the sake of argument, my 'possibly one day future wife') and my school I'd be looking for another school, simple as that. I don't see how the school attains a position of determining who you can and can't see outside of the dojang. Does that rule assume the instructors aren't capable of leaving their personal feelings outside the dojang? Would you unfairly score a sparring match, or unfairly vote to promote because of an emotional attachment? I just think that rule is a bit presumptuous. Maybe it is designed to shield students from possibly predatory isntructors? "Date me or stay at 5th kyu forever BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" I guess I can see that one...still, I don't think it's a fair stance for a school to take.
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Hey Jim, thanks for the response. As far as the "rule" goes, it is really just my instrutors preference and so far it has always been followed. It would be great if people could check their feelings at the door, but new black belt instructors will find that if they continue to go out after class pretty soon their color belt "friends" are not listening to their instrutions in class or are talking back in a "just teasing!" way. It seems to just make things easier if there is a bit of seperation. In my experience this is a valid reason to keep things "friendly" but not "friends" and especially because I am on the pay role I think it is important.
Now if a black belt really did start dating a color belt, my instrutor would not forbid it, but probably just sigh and shake his head and then (more than likely) wait for them to break-up and (more than likely) one of them quit. so is life!
 
Laurentkd said:
Hey Jim, thanks for the response. As far as the "rule" goes, it is really just my instrutors preference and so far it has always been followed. It would be great if people could check their feelings at the door, but new black belt instructors will find that if they continue to go out after class pretty soon their color belt "friends" are not listening to their instructions in class or are talking back in a "just teasing!" way.
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That's what pushups are for! :lol:

Master Lauren, you are so centered that I cannot for the life of me imagine you doing the wrong thing, or coming to an incorrect conclusion by just listening to your gut. I do know what you're saying here, and I also have 100% faith that what you finally decide to do will be the exact right thing to do :D
 
Actually, I think the dojang teacher has every right to state that students in class are not allowed to date each other. I would be more lenient toward black belt-black belt dating as it is a relationship between equals. But anything besides that, forget it. Instructor-student dating? Absolutely not.
 
Sometimes when you really feel as though you like a girl, it's hard to get the hint. It does not come down to neccesarily a sexual harrasment issue becuz of his persistance. Hard headed yes. Yes you need to be assertive in your own intent. It feels weird but then good after you let someone know where you stand. I'll take a line from Dumb and Dumber. " So what are my chances"? Reply " like one in a million". " So your saying I have a chance!"
 
Be honest with the guy and let him know you're not interested and you don't come to class to date classmates. At least he'll know he's not being passed over for someone else in class.
You start dating classmates, or allow it to happen, and before you know it what should be a Taekwondo class turns into a big dating pool. I've seen it happen and it's not something to be encouraged.
It's fine if students want to be sociable outside class, but rules against dating should definitely be in place.
 
Laurentkd said:
I tend always be a pretty nice person, and try to continue to be nice even to people I don't like. And being an instructor I try to be helpful to everyone and to be friendly (although not really "friends") to all students. Unfortunately, it seems some of the male species equates being nice to being attracted. So I guess it is just time to stop being so nice huh?

for what it is worth, I am 25 and am not the LEAST bit interested in this guy.
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If you haven't already done so, I highly recommend reading "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He writes quite a bit about these guys that don't get the hint, and recommends exactly what everyone else here does. Be direct and leave no room whatsoever for it to be misinterpreted.

In keeping with this, I wouldn't bother bringing up the dojang rules in your case, as he may take that as the reason you can't date (and still think you're attracted to him and he has a chance if situations change).

A simple "No" with no further deliberation is your best weapon. "I am not attracted to you and am not at all interested in dating you" would also work. Too many nice ladies will say things like "You're a really nice guy, but... " or "That's really flattering..." When this happens, some guys stop listening after you've said something nice, and this can encourage them to continue, thinking that their persistence can change your mind (as happens so often in the movies).

Someone who refuses to take a direct "No" as an answer is a danger sign to De Becker, and I agree with Exile that once it passes this it easily passes into the realm of sexual harrassment and needs to be dealt with harshly.
 
What's the latest, Lauren? Has it been discussed with your instructor or the guy again?
 
Hello everyone,
Yes I discussed it with my instructor, who is not at all happy. Setting aside his concern for my feelings and comfort in the school, he feels this is just one more instance of this Joker disrespecting the way we do things (this guy has hinted to liking me before and my instructor made it clear that that would not happen- my instructor warned me at the time, but I hadn't really thought much about it until now). So really I think this guy is on super-thin ice at this point, and my instructor has already said for me to tell the guy whatever I want (he suggested a forceful, very clear, no mincing of words, NO!- just as you all). He said if after that he sees this joker even looking at me funny or saying anything funny he will be gone because my instructor will consider it harassment, and this guy is just not worth it (obviously).
The only other funny thing, which may be coincidence, but I am doubtful....
there is a student that Joker brought in (they aren't really friends, but guy number II is new to the area and Joker is one of the first couple people he met). Anyway, suddenly today guy number II tries to friend me on facebook (hope this makes sense to those who aren't cool enough for facebook :cool: ). As I looked on his profile I saw that Joker made a new account today and his only friend is guy number II. So it just seems odd that the same day (within hours) that Joker gets a facebook account, his buddy tries to friend me (even though guy number II has obviously been on facebook for a long time, and we have no friends in common, so he would have had to search for my name). I think Joker is just trying to find another way to sneakily find more about me or a way to contact me outside the school (for those of you who don't know, only your "friends" can see your information on facebook). I did not agree to be friends with guy number II, so I am good there. I also told my instructor this as well (I was at the school tonight when I figured this out), and he thinks Joker could get creepy fast (guy's intuition I guess) and wants to make sure he nips anything in the bud. So we'll see what happens- I am thinking my instructor may really just look for a reason to tell this guy he is no longer welcome.
Joker often comes in on Tuesdays and Thursday, but he can be hit and miss so I don't know for sure when I will see him. That kind of stinks because tonight I had myself all ready to corner him (I hate having to do this in the dojang, but I don't have any other choice from what I can see as I don't want to contact him outside the school) but he didn't show. So guess I have to wait and see what happens.

Sorry this is so long, but hopefully it is a good update for those of you still interested. Thanks again for all your posts guys. It is really cool to see everyone's advice, and to feel that you are concerned about the situation. I know we already know, but this is a great community :asian:
 
Laurentkd said:
Yes I discussed it with my instructor, who is not at all happy. Setting aside his concern for my feelings and comfort in the school, he feels this is just one more instance of this Joker disrespecting the way we do things
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Oh, so, there is more! If the student will continue to show bad habits, then the Master Instructor will take care of that, haha! That is no joke.

Surely one way or the other way, this man will go chasing some other woman once this is clear. He will then leave you alone.
 
Well Lauren, it seems as though you and your instructor have a good handle on this.

We care because you are one of us. Lots of big sisters & big brothers that not only see you as one of our own, but also are thinking "what if this happened in my school?"

Keep tellin' the Joker (& his buddy) NO! And keep us updated.
 
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