Given the attention I've gotten from the press, SlimFast, the Republican Committee and the DNC and what's happened this week to people like Linda Ronstadt and Margaret Cho, I'm releasing my remarks from the Radio City Music Hall event, rather than have people continue to respond to someone else's interpretation of what they think I said. I challenge the Democrats and the Republicans or anyone else to prove that I said anything different from this. They have made a mountain out of an ant's behind.'
"I know you see that I've got a bottle of wine in my hand. I'll explain about it later.
"The concert organizers had asked to see my material beforehand, but I Xeroxed my behind and I folded it up in an envelope and I sent it back with a big kiss mark. Because we're Democrats. We don't do that. We're not afraid to laugh. That's the other people.
"It's terrible to be President. Just look at their clothes. When was the last time you saw a President in Armani? Nancy Reagan was the last White House occupant that really looked good. The whole hair situation. Being President is like being in a horror movie, the hair turns white overnight.
"You have to meet the King and Queen of Kupeepee and you know you're going to look dumb if you don't know where Kupeepee is because everybody else pretends they know where it is. And when you get the menu for the State Dinner, you know that you have bears balls and frog lips as a delicacy and you cannot say, "Hell No!"
"Originally, I thought it was Dick Gephardt, because I read the paper (I won't name the paper) and it turns out - no Dick. Then I find out it's John Edwards. I think this is smart, because not only can he talk to the dead, he has TVQ. Then I found out it's not him, it's the other John Edwards. John Edwards looks like a kid.
"What would impress me is to see John Kerry jump double-dutch — I think many people would find that innovative.
"I know I told you I'd get to this. (Reading from label on wine bottle) `When Bush comes to shove, don't whine. Vote Kerry.'
"And that's why I'm here tonight. Because I love bush. But someone's giving bush a bad name. Someone has tarnished name of `bush.' Someone has waged war, someone has deliberately misled the country, someone has attempted to amend the constitution, all in the name of bush. The bush I know and cherish would never do such things. My bush is smarter than that. And if my bush is smarter than that, you can understand just how dumb I think that other bush is. And anyone who would wave to Stevie Wonder is not fully there. I will do whatever it takes to restore bush to its rightful place and that ain't in the White House. Vote your heart and mind and keep bush where it belongs."
