Virus Warning

[Bob Hubbard]

In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
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A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
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The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
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Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
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ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
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Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
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Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

 

[Bob Hubbard]

Virus Warning

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It has come to our attention that people in this newsgroup have been selling software with some pretty notorious viruses on them. I wish to warn you about the following.

The virus known as "Windows 95" or "W95". This virus commenderes masses of free memory and makes large areas of your hard drive completely useless whilst it resides on them. It will also create random unnessessary software and hardware conflicts whenever it feels capricious enough to do so.

The virus known as "Windows 2000". Acts in a very similar fashion to "Windows '95" but is FAR more dangerous. Corrupts your bank account when it forces you to buy much better and newer components to replace those old ones that the virus manages to compromise completely. Processing speed cut to a minimum, if the computer decides to do anything at all. Users should be aware that they have this virus when they see Bill Gates laughing hysterically as he buys another Pink Streched Rolls Royce.

 

[Bob Hubbard]

Deathray Virus advisory


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A deadly new computer virus that actually causes home computers to explode in a hellish blast of glass fragments and flame has injured at least 47 people since August 15, horrifying authorities who say millions of people are risking injury, blindness or death every time they sit down to work at their PC!

"Computer viruses of the past could disable your computer, but this virus goes a step further -- and can kill you," declared Martin Heriden, a computer expert who specializes in identifying computer viruses. "This virus doesn't carry the usual 'markers' that enable it to be detected. It slips through the cracks, so to speak.

"It is an extremely complicated process. But suffice it to say that the virus affects the computer's hardware, creating conditions that lead to dangerous short circuits and power surges. The end result? Explosions -- powerful explosions. And millions of Internet users are at risk."

The virus, nicknamed Death Ray by experts like Heriden, surfaced in England on August 1. A 24-year-old college student was permanently blinded when his 15-inch color monitor exploded in his face.

"So how do you protect yourself? I wish I knew,"said Heriden. "You either stop using the Internet or you take your chances until we can get a handle on this thing and get rid of it for good."

 

[Bob Hubbard]

The "Free Money" Virus


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There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money," DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant ... some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e- mail entitled "Free Money." What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Free Money" can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate ... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!

 

[Bob Hubbard]

"Million Dollar" virus!


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"Million Dollar" virus! (ST102315)

Thought you might like to know...
The Postmaster General released a warning last Wednesday concerning a matter of major importance to anyone who ever uses the USPS. Apparently, a new paper virus has been engineered by someone at Dartmouth that is unparalleled in its destructive capability.

What makes this virus so terrifying, said the U.S. Postal Service, is the fact that no genetic material needs to be exchanged for someone new to be infected. It can be spread through the existing mail systems of the world. Once a person is infected, one of several things can happen. If the person has a sex drive, that will most likely be destroyed. If the virus is not stopped, it can place the person's nervous system in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop--which can severely damage neurons if it is not stopped before long. Unfortunately, most novice mail users will not realize what is happening before it is too late.

Luckily, there is one sure means of detecting what is now known as the "Million Dollar" virus. It always travels to new hosts the same way: in a large envelope with the text "You May Have Already Won One Million Dollars" on the envelope.

Avoiding infection is easy once the letter has been received--don't read it. The act of opening the envelope releases pheromones that cause a hypnotic-like response as the virus takes over the reader's central nervous system. The virus is highly intelligent--it will force the victim to make copies of itself and mail them to everyone whose mailing address is contained in an address book or on a piece of received mail, if it can find one. It will then proceed to trash the nervous system it has taken over.

The bottom line here is--if you receive a piece of mail with "You May Have Already Won One Million Dollars" on it, throw it out immediately! Do not read it! Rest assured that whoever's name was in the return address was surely struck by the virus.

Warn your friends and local mail users of this newest threat to their health! It could save them a lot of time and money.

 

[Bob Hubbard]

WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

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WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:


The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.
The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.
A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including


Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability
Symantec Anti Virus Research Center
McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List
Dr. Solomons Hoax Page
The Urban Legends Web Site
Urban Legends Reference Pages
Datafellows Hoax Warnings

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as

Evaluating Internet Research Sources
Evaluation of Information Sources
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.


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This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! Lots!! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)



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ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME ONLY! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!



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This was first released by Robert A. Harris

 

[Cthulhu]

Those were great

Cthulhu

 

[arnisador]

Threads merged.

-Arnisador
-MT Admin-

 

[Elfan]

Solutions for the Windows 95 and windows 2000 virri can be found here, here, here, and here

 

[Bob Hubbard]

:rofl: