Truly Frustrated

[Xue Sheng]

A long time CMA brother of mine dropped of the face of the earth, or so it would seem, about 4 years ago. He was and still is a gifted martial artist however I had no idea what became of him until a couple of months ago when he returned to class. He got involved with the wrong woman, which lead to the wrong people which lead to the wrong path and that was drugs. In those years he lost absolutely everything he had, cars, motorcycles, job, business, house, training gear absolutely everything.

I was sad to hear this is what happened but I was incredibly happy that he had returned and appeared to be back on the right path and it was fine for a few months, he got his job back and then another job as well he got an apartment and then he told me that him and his ex-girlfriend were getting back together, the one I previously mentioned.

And then he missed a class but he returned the following class for a few and then he missed another and returned and now he has missed 6 classes in a row and again appears to have dropped of the face of the earth. I am saddened that it is very likely that he has again gone down the wrong path and I do not know what to do about it, and to be honest I haven’t got a clue as to what I could do anyway. He did not give me his new phone numbers and he is not at the new address for what he told me was going to be his new apartment. I am hoping it is that he now has 2 jobs and he is working hard to get his life back on track, but to be honest I really thing he is back doing drugs.

I am frustrated and would really like to do something to help him and I am beginning to get a bit angry as well. If it was not for my family I would go looking for him to try and beat some since into him, but I also have had too much experience in past jobs with people that do drugs to actually believe that would help, but it is still a thought.

He and I have been training CMA together and beating the living daylights out of one another since day one of my CMA training with my first sifu.

I am just plain frustrated.

 

[SFC JeffJ]

I've lost friends that way before Xue, and I feel your pain. Keep your eyes and ears open for him if he shows back up and chain him down.

Jeff

 

[jks9199]

I've seen it happen many, many times... And, sadly, it's often with talented and promising students.

To me -- it's real simple. If he wants to be there and to train, he'll be there. If it's "just a thing he does", he'll make excuses, and will come and go. You can't make him do it, so all you can do is support him when he's there.

 

[Tames D]

Man, I know exactly what your going through. I lost my best friend to drugs about 18 years ago. Practically the same story. All you can do is let him know that your there for him when and if he needs you. Don't do what I did. This went on for about 3 years and I couldn't turn him around so I wrote him off. He died of an overdose one night and it still kills me to think I wrote off my best friend.

Whatever you do Xue. make sure he knows your there for him. If nothing else.

 

[Carol]

XS, there is a powerpoint presentation from Rational Recovery that I can share with you if he comes to you for help. I've known folks that have kicked drugs and booze simply by reading through the powerpoint once.

But they have to want to change. It's a very different approach from AA/NA that starts by the user admitting they are powerless against their addiction. Instead this paints the addiction as a beast, a quadraplegic beast...no arms, no legs...but it that lives inside you, and you willingly feed it when you go out to buy booze and feed it booze.

Good thoughts and prayers for both of you. Sorry to hear that mate.

 

[Kacey]

Xue, that's a really hard situation to be in, and I'm sorry that I don't have any advice except to be there for him if he reaches out, or you find a way to reach out to him. Good luck to both of you.

 

[Nomad]

Everything in life is a choice. Keep in mind that everything else aside, he is choosing this path for himself, and there is very little you can do to help unless he decides to let you. A very sad situation indeed.

 

[Drac]

Been there too Xue..A good friend of mine couldn't stay away from speed..Lost a good job, wife and a child just so he could stay buzzed and hang around with sleezy women..

 

[Xue Sheng]

Thank you for the responses they do help and sadly it appears I am not the only one that has dealt with this. I know pretty much all I can do is be there for him should he reach out to me, which is what I felt he was doing prior to this latest disappearance. And I gave him all my numbers to call me if he needed and he knows where I live as well but I have heard nothing.

The last time we talked all seemed to be going in the right direction, except of course for the relationship part, but then he vanished. Also he was apparently in rehab just prior to his return to the class and they had set him loose to go get his life back. What is SO frustrating is that I know that there is in reality absolutly NOTHING I can do if he does not decide on his own to stop doing what he is doing. And the fact that he has been a good friend for year and is an INCREDIBLY talented martial artist is adding to the frustration. And he was there for me when I went through my divorce years ago but now I can do nothing.

Again thanks

 

[Xue Sheng]

An update on this.

I was talking to another friend last night and they think he is now in jail.

A big loss to MA in my opinion he was a natural at any MA he touched.

He lost it all to drugs then tried to come back and the drugs appear to have won after all.

 

[bushidomartialarts]

Xue, that's terrible. I'll be sending kind thoughts your direction.

I dunno if this will help or not, but...

It used to be that my friends and family would call on me pretty often about women they cared about who were in abusive relationships. "Jason, my mom's ex-roomate's last dog's previous owner's sister is getting beat up by her boyfriend..."

I had two rules.

Rule one: I won't go put the hurt on some guy. I'll stand, politely and a bit menacingly, while she packs her stuff and leaves.

Rule two: I'll only do this for the same woman once. If she goes back willingly, I'm not putting myself in harm's way for her.

All of us martial artists suffer a little from a desire to save the world one friend at a time. One of the hardest things for us to realize is that much of the world doesn't want us to save them. The idjits.

 

[shesulsa]

I'm truly sorry to hear this verified for you, Xue. I understand the frustration of losing a brother with talent and gifts to drugs. I suppose there are things we can change and things we can't.

 

[terryl965]

Xs sometimes in life the direction we go are far different than those people truely see. I know that some people need to hit rock botom before getting back up for the long fight. Hopefully he is in jail this might be the best place for him to reflect. All I can really add is this if he call or stops by to see you try to have an opened mind and lend a hand if you still can.

 

[Xue Sheng]

Xue, that's terrible. I'll be sending kind thoughts your direction.

I dunno if this will help or not, but...

It used to be that my friends and family would call on me pretty often about women they cared about who were in abusive relationships. "Jason, my mom's ex-roomate's last dog's previous owner's sister is getting beat up by her boyfriend..."

I had two rules.

Rule one: I won't go put the hurt on some guy. I'll stand, politely and a bit menacingly, while she packs her stuff and leaves.

Rule two: I'll only do this for the same woman once. If she goes back willingly, I'm not putting myself in harm's way for her.

All of us martial artists suffer a little from a desire to save the world one friend at a time. One of the hardest things for us to realize is that much of the world doesn't want us to save them. The idjits.

Thanks and you are right.

I'm truly sorry to hear this verified for you, Xue. I understand the frustration of losing a brother with talent and gifts to drugs. I suppose there are things we can change and things we can't.

Thanks, and it really sucks that we can't change some things

Xs sometimes in life the direction we go are far different than those people truely see. I know that some people need to hit rock botom before getting back up for the long fight. Hopefully he is in jail this might be the best place for him to reflect. All I can really add is this if he call or stops by to see you try to have an opened mind and lend a hand if you still can.

I hope you are right, but I am not sure he will survive this one, he looked pretty bad last time.

 

[Xue Sheng]

It is just a bit depressing that is all, I knew him for years. We use to have kicking contests with a target pad to see who could kick the other over while holding the pad, sometimes I won…sometimes I lost… but it was great stuff. He is responsible for me finding my Taiji sifu, he found him first and told me.

And then he vanished and then a few years later returned and sounded like he was really trying to get back to his life (after loosing everything) and then he vanished again and now…. jail.

To make it a little worse, my last Taiji class, just before class started, there was a truck outside of the school that looked just like his and I went in and he was not there and a little later I find out he might be in jail.

Sadly I truly do not think he will be back, the last time I saw him I was wondering if he would survive anymore of the drug life, now that he went back and now prison I kind of expect to see his obituary next... it is very depressing to me, I know what type of person he was and what type of martial artist he was and he could teach it as good as anyone I have seen.

Sorry about the tone of this post it is just….

Thanks for reading and thanks for the responses.

 

[Drac]

An update on this.

I was talking to another friend last night and they think he is now in jail.

A big loss to MA in my opinion he was a natural at any MA he touched.

He lost it all to drugs then tried to come back and the drugs appear to have won after all.

Very sorry to hear that...I had a very good friend that also lost everything to drugs..It is NEVER an easy thing to hear and harder to understand..

 

[Cruentus]

Sometimes people need to hit the rock bottom of the hole before they can pull themselves out. Maybe jail is rock bottom for him. Instead of speculating, see if you can track him down, maybe visit him jail? Let him know that he has friends if he wants help and to change his lifestyle when he gets out. Of course, take proper precautions. Anyway, just a thought...

 

[newGuy12]

Xs sometimes in life the direction we go are far different than those people truely see. I know that some people need to hit rock botom before getting back up for the long fight. Hopefully he is in jail this might be the best place for him to reflect. All I can really add is this if he call or stops by to see you try to have an opened mind and lend a hand if you still can.

You got that right!

And if its the right kind of drugs, I'm sorry to say, that you may lose your friend to death,Xue Sheng. I'm not trying to be a big shot expert, but I have been involved with some recovery community. There are people who do not yet know this friend of yours, yet at the same time, they know an indecent amount about him. They have been down the same road and have recovered.

I'm not here to go on about such things, but I will say this: If your friend bottoms out, and still sucks air, it will be the best possible thing. This is absolutely nothing to jerk around with.

Oh, and I hope you don't get caught up in the whirlwind. It can be a mess! As long as your friend is still alive, there is hope.




All the Best,

Robert

 

[Cruentus]

I didn't realize I echoed Terry... Well, I agree!

 

[Xue Sheng]

Very sorry to hear that...I had a very good friend that also lost everything to drugs..It is NEVER an easy thing to hear and harder to understand..

Thanks

Sometimes people need to hit the rock bottom of the hole before they can pull themselves out. Maybe jail is rock bottom for him. Instead of speculating, see if you can track him down, maybe visit him jail? Let him know that he has friends if he wants help and to change his lifestyle when he gets out. Of course, take proper precautions. Anyway, just a thought...

Understood and thanks

You got that right!

And if its the right kind of drugs, I'm sorry to say, that you may lose your friend to death,Xue Sheng. I'm not trying to be a big shot expert, but I have been involved with some recovery community. There are people who do not yet know this friend of yours, yet at the same time, they know an indecent amount about him. They have been down the same road and have recovered.

I'm not here to go on about such things, but I will say this: If your friend bottoms out, and still sucks air, it will be the best possible thing. This is absolutely nothing to jerk around with.

Oh, and I hope you don't get caught up in the whirlwind. It can be a mess! As long as your friend is still alive, there is hope.

All the Best,

Robert

Thanks, and I doubt I will get caught up in the whirlwind, my family always comes first and I would not expose my wife or my children to any of this. I spent some time in security, a few years back, working at a hospital with a mental health and rehab unit and it ain’t pretty.

I didn't realize I echoed Terry... Well, I agree!

That’s ok, if you have to echo someone terry is the one to echo

***********

Thanks to all.

I am sorry about all this and bringing it to MT but last night was a highly unusual hour of me being completely alone in my house, that NEVER happens, but it gave me an hour to reminisce about things that I probably shouldn't and remeber things I miss. And anyone, other than a martial artist, would think me crazy to say I really miss the times we kicked the living daylights out of one another.

But I am much better now… sorry about all this.