Some advice needed

[bcbernam777]

I have a problem that unfortuanatly in this day and age is not perculiur or unique. I have children 9 & 10 from my first marriage, to cut a long story short, I fought through the family court for close to 8 years to have any form of decent contact with them, for a period of close to 2-3 years I did not get to see them because my ex put a restraining order on me, it 18 months to actually get to court and a further 18 months to actually serve the restraining order. (in australia this is a standard tactic my woman who leave their husbands). I finally got some form of contact, but I fear the damage has already been done, as they view their step dad as their real dad, every time they have come to visit me they have eneded up breaking down, sobbing saying they want to go home to their mum. I have spent alot of money even to the point of sacrificing my new childrens desires to do activtys and our own desire to go on a holiday just so I could spend time with them. The children say that their mum did what she did to protect them from me (though there is no history of domestic violence between us). Now for the final time I spent a small fortune on air tickets etc to fly clear across Australia to spend time with them, the older girl broke down by the next day, demanding to go home, she told me things such as "your family are weird" "you're mean to mummy" etc I lost it, after 8 years I lost it and i told her some home truths about what her mother did, the facvt that she lied on the affadavits that she wrote to the court etc etc, of course my 10 year old called me a liar and said her mother would never do such things, 3 days later the 9 year old did the same thing. I have actually come to the end of my rope and I think that maybe it is better that I just disapear from their life.

What do people think?

 

[Touch Of Death]

You are absolutly right. Much of the damage has been done. I could suggest that if it had just happened you could simply move where ever they moved and stay close and as involved as possible, but choices have been made and followed through with. I have a daughter, and it would hurt me deeply to have happen what has happened in your situation. I am sorry. I wish I could offer advice, but it would involve moving away from where you have chosen to live.
Sean

 

[ajs1976]

Hang in there. Right now they are very young, but as the grow up, they will start to think more for themselves and they may start to come around.

Good luck

 

[Jade Tigress]

Hang in there. Don't disappear from their lives. They are young and impressionable. They trust their mom. Unfortunately it lies on you to prove her wrong.

Be a constant in their lives as much as you can. Even if you are not there physically, make sure you call them on their birthdays and other special holidays to show you love them and are thinking of them even if you're not there. Call or send them cards throughout the year just to let them know you love them and they are on your mind. (If their mother won't toss them).

Children need to know they are loved by their fathers. If you are consistent in demonstrating your love for them in any way you can it will become apparent to them as they get older. I think it's good that you shed some perspective on the situation with their mother. Never bad mouth her. If she's gonna bad mouth you, fine. But don't stoop to her level. Things like this will start to make an impression on your children that you are not the bad man their mother is making you out to be. You don't have to be geographically close to let them know they're loved, just be a constant positive for them.

It's a difficult job. Just be there for them, and let them know you love them. Good luck, and don't give up. You will eventually reap the rewards. :asian:

 

[Brian R. VanCise]

Hang in there. Don't disappear from their lives. They are young and impressionable. They trust their mom. Unfortunately it lies on you to prove her wrong.

Be a constant in their lives as much as you can. Even if you are not there physically, make sure you call them on their birthdays and other special holidays to show you love them and are thinking of them even if you're not there. Call or send them cards throughout the year just to let them know you love them and they are on your mind. (If their mother won't toss them).

Children need to know they are loved by their fathers. If you are consistent in demonstrating your love for them in any way you can it will become apparent to them as they get older. I think it's good that you shed some perspective on the situation with their mother. Never bad mouth her. If she's gonna bad mouth you, fine. But don't stoop to her level. Things like this will start to make an impression on your children that you are not the bad man their mother is making you out to be. You don't have to be geographically close to let them know they're loved, just be a constant positive for them.

It's a difficult job. Just be there for them, and let them know you love them. Good luck, and don't give up. You will eventually reap the rewards. :asian:

This advice is priceless. Stay involved and understand that someday they will see you for who you are. They are your children so give them as much unconditional love as you can. Since you are not around very often do the best you can and understand that as they grow older they will make their own choices. (not their mom's) Good luck and I wish you the best.

 

[exile]

Hang in there. Don't disappear from their lives. They are young and impressionable. They trust their mom. Unfortunately it lies on you to prove her wrong.

Be a constant in their lives as much as you can. Even if you are not there physically, make sure you call them on their birthdays and other special holidays to show you love them and are thinking of them even if you're not there. Call or send them cards throughout the year just to let them know you love them and they are on your mind. (If their mother won't toss them).

Children need to know they are loved by their fathers. If you are consistent in demonstrating your love for them in any way you can it will become apparent to them as they get older. I think it's good that you shed some perspective on the situation with their mother. Never bad mouth her. If she's gonna bad mouth you, fine. But don't stoop to her level. Things like this will start to make an impression on your children that you are not the bad man their mother is making you out to be. You don't have to be geographically close to let them know they're loved, just be a constant positive for them.

It's a difficult job. Just be there for them, and let them know you love them. Good luck, and don't give up. You will eventually reap the rewards. :asian:

JT's letter says everything. You needn't lose your children, BCB. If you follow her suggestions, you will almost certainly be able to reconnect with them, if you're patient. The only way you'll lose them permanently is if you give up now...

 

[bushidomartialarts]

jt is absolutely right. but...

you may want to back up a little bit. if your children cry whenever they're with you....is that the association you want them to have with time spent with their dad?

perhaps the tactic for the next couple years is to write letters, send birthday cards, make phone calls. make it clear that you're there for them when they're ready, but that you're willing to wait.

forcing the issue is rarely helpful. but if you become a regular, positive, nonintrusive force in their lives, they'll start to come around.

just my thoughts. i'm not an expert.

 

[hong kong fooey]

look man just hang in there there young and it's tough for them trust me when they get older they willl see that what there mom did was wrong. it happend with my uncle and now his kids are as close to him as ever.

but don't give up on them whatever you do

 

[bcbernam777]

Thanks to everyone for their advice, I have a lot of thinking to do