Again to honor the man... Some more of his best one liners...
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!
I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car.
I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back."
I said to one girl, "Come on, honey, I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."
Oh, when I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler with me. Yeah, just in case I have to prove something.
Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
Oh, this girl was fat, when she walks backward, she starts beeping. I mean, fat. She asked me why my eyes were bulging, I told her, "You're standing on my foot!"
A lot of girls turn me down. One girl turned me down, she said she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, "I'll be finished by then!"
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
I'm getting old. I got no sex life. I get tired just holding up the magazine. At my age, I like to get sex over quickly. Then I can get to the nap.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died; they asked my mother, "Paper or plastic?"
Last night I came home, I walked in the house, I picked up the extension. My wife was having phone sex with some guy. I told the guy, "Don't let her fool you, she's faking it."
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!
I tell ya, with me, sleep is important. Well, last night I went to bed, I couldn't sleep. I started to count sheep - I got horny!
When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.
I asked my father if I could go ice skating on the lake, he said wait til it gets warmer.
Last week my wife said she wanted sex in the back seat... but she wanted me to drive!
I told my kid: Hey you're young you ain't got it upstairs, he said hey you're old you ain't got it downstairs.
