loki09789 said:
"Know thyself" and the law and train in the things that balance effectiveness with what you are willing to do and not to.
People have mentioned Grossman's book as a good read. It is interesting and he makes some good points about being cautious and responsible about violence and how you promote it/train for it and view it on a social level. As a martial artist in training though, the part that jumped out was the idea of using body shaped targets under contextual training situations to make your trained responses as automatic and quick as possible. The question is really what do you think about the 'moment' before and after you have done it - in training or reality? If the whole thing leaves a bad taste in your mouth, it might be a lesson in making sure you are well rounded in awareness and other skills that would reduce the likelyhood of using that knife or other weapons. It might also mean that you need to find another program that will help you find that personal balance between necessity and personal comfort....
I have had friends who were all
jazzed about hunting with their fathers when they were old enough. When the time came to go, they either hated it or loved it. When they got that chance to take the shot they did or didn't suffer "buck fever" (lock up). the question is
do you know why you are doing it and are you there for reasons that you are committed to? I was fine with hunting because I understood why I wanted to and thought it was worth the effort. After I really shot a deer, it was still okay with me to go hunting. If I had decided it wasn't for me, I would have stuck to fishing
I think things like hunting and other woodscraft skills can really help you fiind those life/death survival answers that can translate to martial arts/self defense training.
1st time I went bow hunting, I kilt me critter, and felt miserable about it for eons. Still get a sick feeling in the pit of my gut when I recall looking at the poor little guy. It was an unecessary act of violence against an innocent. The second time I hunted, I was actually with a group of friends in the woods, basically lost & a little panicked. Shot a small doe, and felt no guilt (hell, lost damn near 20 lbs on that trip...I was hungry). I still can freak myself out if I stop to wonderr if the critter had a family, etc. So, having a conscious is a good thing, especially if you plan an act of violence (or plan for an act of violence) against another human being.
Also, have cut, and been cut. Odd thing about being cut: The fear of the knife is much more surreal and prominent in your mind then the injury the knife causes. My partner and I intervened on a 3-on-1 assault, with knives. I got zipped on the inside of my forearm, and he got stabbed square in the abdomen. Didn't even know it till he felt "short of breath", several minutes after we dispatched the bad guys. We thought the blood on him was from my arm.
As the stabb
er, I went into an auto-pilot mode of a defense technique with a disarm, followed by cutting the guy with his own knife, then stabbing him. 3 things stuck out to me.
1. The cutting was effortless...Adrenaline in place, I wasn't even sure if I got him, till the red started flowing.
2. Stabbing a thrust into a person is harder, physically, then it looks. Live flesh is resistant to large puncture, and muscles "grab" the blade, making retraction very hard...I left it there.
3. No matter what kind of auto-pilot you're on when you defend and cut, auto eventually turns off. And your mind goes over, and over, and over everything that happened in minute detail. Years pass, and it still rolls over in your head. Being "justified" doesn't keep the freaky dreams away: It only helps to lower the pulse rate via rationalization after you've been forced awake by the freaky dreams.
You'll still auto when you have to, if that's in your training; I've never hesitated to ready my reach for my belt if I felt cornered and in necessity. But after the garbage has passed, my mind still walks down paths it's worn down before, wondering if I was just about to create another cause for bizarre dreams.
Don't try to "conquer your fear"...it's there for a reason. To keep you healthy on one hand, and out of trouble on the other. First time I was shot at, dropped behind the bumper of a car...then remembered shooting holes clean through cars in the desert. Talk about an underwear changing moment! Now, I go out of my way to avoid circumstances where I may find myself in that position. As for liability of being the user of a knife? Watch Oz, on HBO. If you feel you can thrive happily in that sort of environment, then don't sweat the legalities. Otherwise, allow your fear of what happens in prison at midnight to stay your hand when your common sense isn't enough.
Don't lose your conscience. It's what seperates humans from animals, or at least checks some humans from acting like animals. Don't lose your fear. Fear is for the living, and is a natural instinct designed to help keep you alive. Remember: there are old soldiers, and bold soldiers, but there are no old+bold soldiers.
Finally, follow your heart. The only person with whom you absolutely must live with for the rest fo your life is yourself. So you need to be OK with who you are, and what you do, if you want that co-habitation with self to be a peaceful one. PTSD sucks and does bad things to good people, so live accordingly.
Regards,
Dr. Dave