I have lost some trust and threfore depressed

[Rich Parsons]

Just a little while ago I stopped my Friend's house. His children call me Uncle. He was still at work. We called my friend at work and asked him if I could run him up the the Pawn Shop so he could show me some itmes he was thinking about for his birthday next week.

So my nephew had a friend staying over with him. My friend said sure they could go. (* Ages 17 Friend and 14 Nephew *) I took them in my convertible up to the pawn shop so he could show me some knives.

Just about to pull back in at my nephew's house when the 17 year old friend pulls out some infotainment CD for a PS1. I knew he did not buy anything. Before I could saying anything my nephew ask's him if he stole it. The 17 year old replied no. He had bought it yesterday and he had been carrying it around with him for a day. The thing is that we had been screwing around at my nephew's house for an hour or so waiting for my friend to call back. There is no way he had bought it. So he tells me he has the receipt at his house. He take me to where he lives. His mom and dad where home. He went in and asked them where his receipts were. They told him that he had not given it to them. They staid inside and acted all innocent like it was all their child, until he got loud and stated that I had better not steal his CD. So I wrote down the numbers off the receipt. The parents then want to know who I am. I tell them the uncle. The boy realizes I am going back to check on the logging of the item. He then tells me the receipt is at another friends house he takes off running. After a few minutes I decide to just leave. I drive down the road and here he is still running.

I went back the the pawn shop to ask them about the item. They were closed and no one inside. So I have plans to go back tomorrow.

My issue is that as I was the adult present I feel responsible.

Yet this child is a 17 year old teenager and I do not know him. This is the first time I have seen him. I did not like to call into question his integrity, but he just kept going and going. I thought theft even before my nephew made his question.

I feel down and depressed by this scene.
I feel responsible for the theft.
I feel like I have lost yet even more faith in the human race.

My plans, for myself, even though I never really go to Pawn Shops is to go back tomorrow and see if the item had been sold. If it had been then I owe the kid an apology. If he was not I plan on paying for it, so I can sleep at night. Not for the kid. Not for some grand lesson for my nephew. But so I am no longer the driver for a theft. I know this is all blown out of proportion, but I feel like I have been used. And then he tried to play me. I know, no proof yet.

Not trying to judge others, but just wondering if am I alone in the world of wondering if people no longer care about the items of others?

It just bothers me.

 

[bushidomartialarts]

Well, rats.

Rich, I feel for you and respect your angle on this.

Just remember that for every kid that steals stuff, there are three who are honest, hard working and kind hearted. Just like grownups.

Hang in there, my friend. Go train. You'll feel better.

 

[Sukerkin]

My 'BS Detectors' would've pegged it on the needle in those circumstances too, Rich, so don't feel guity about your suspicions.

It's a sad fact that you are either brought up to respect other peoples property or you are not. The latter camp is the larger group these days due to the lack of enforced consequences.

That does not mean that it is the end of civilisation as a whole, admittedly, but it is a symptom of decline.

I'm not helping here am I ? Sorry. I keep my faith in persons to this day but people in general ...

 

[Lisa]

Rich,

Have you thought about going to the pawn shop, asking for the information and if it was stolen getting the police involved? They can be responsible for contacting this child's parents and straightening this out. As for your nephew, I would be strongly suggesting to his parent's that he have nothing to do with this young man any further, something I am sure your friend will probably enforce.

As for feeling depressed, I can imagine you would. However, I would first let the authorities get on this kid's tail for theft. If you pay for the item, he gets away with it.

Just a few of my thoughts.

 

[Jade Tigress]

I''m sorry to hear about this situation Rich. First of all, it is NOT your fault. You do not know this boy nor are you responsible for his actions in the store. You were totally unaware of the situation and as soon as you had suspicions you attempted to recitfy it. That is responsible behavior. As Lisa stated, if you pay for it, the kid gets away with it. Perhaps the best thing to do is, as diplomatically as possible, discuss your concerns with the boys parents and let them handle the issue.

 

[MA-Caver]

In-so-far everyone has been spot on. It's NOT your fault, (almost) every kid will steal something at one time or another, and your guilt is not warranted because YOU didn't do anything wrong.
If you just met the kid then how were you to know eh? Better you find out NOW about him before he spreads it to your nephew, right?
As for his parents... well we've observed on other threads that no parent has a child that does wrong. ... at least THEY won't admit it.
You don't have to feel bad for another person's wrong-doing. He's almost at the legal age of adult. If you really want to feel better then yeah, turn him in to the police. It just MIGHT stop him from a life of crime eh? If it doesn't then you did the right thing because pawn shop owners get a bum rap a lot of the time (buying stolen goods and all those other cliches), and they have to charge an outrageous amount of interest to ensure they'll get their money back in case the item IS stolen or they never get paid back for the loan and have to sell the item at cost.

Rich, it's disheartening to see a crime in action (or after the fact) and to think nice of someone and find out that they did something that goes against your own principals. It's ok to be disappointed because that's how you feel but don't hang on to it eh? Do the right thing and you'll feel better.

 

[exile]

If you pay for the item, he gets away with it.

IFirst of all, it is NOT your fault. You do not know this boy nor are you responsible for his actions in the store. You were totally unaware of the situation and as soon as you had suspicions you attempted to recitfy it. That is responsible behavior.

Everyone has said the right things, from different angles. The two particular points I think are important are these two I'm quoting from Lisa and Pam. They're connected: your sense that you should pay (which Lisa is telling you not to do) is connected to your sense that the fault is somehow yours, that you are responsible (which Pam is saying you aren't). You need to think of things a little differently, I believe. This is a kid who's old enough to join the US army (with parental consent). That is, he's old enough to kill an enemy soldier in wartime, or be killed by that enemy in the line of duty, and our society says this is OK—he has enough judgment to decide whether or not to undertake decision of this kind of gravity. In view of that, the decision to steal, damage property, or whatever is also within his purview, something he gets to exercise as a matter of free moral choice. You are not omniscient, you aren't telepathic, you don't even know this kid; and he is now regarded as of an age to be held responsible for making the gravest kinds of decisions. Put the two together—you have nothing to beat yourself up with, and he can be held 100% responsible for the moral content of his own decisions. There's no room in this line of thinking for you to beat yourself up, Rich.

Yes, it's depressing that someone would do this. But people, even at this young fellow's age, do great and heroic things as well, and sacrifice their own interests for those of their friends and family. You read stories about that sort of thing every day. This isn't your fault and it's not representative of humanity in general. It may not even be representative of this kid's true being, you know? Plenty of very decent adults did stupid and dishonest things when they were young, things they're properly ashamed of—almost any candid memoir by someone we all respect will mention one or two such episodes. Don't make more of this than it is! That's the idealist's syndrome, but it's not realistic. You've gotten some great advice about how to proceed, but you have nothing to feel bad, or personally tainted about. With a lot of luck, this kid will grow up to know better, eh?

 

[Rich Parsons]

Well, rats.

Rich, I feel for you and respect your angle on this.

Just remember that for every kid that steals stuff, there are three who are honest, hard working and kind hearted. Just like grownups.

Hang in there, my friend. Go train. You'll feel better.

Before I could talk to my friend I call brother, his son my nephew told him about the incident. My nephew stated he believed the 17 year old stole it. So, as for my nephew I feel better, for he told his dad even before I was able to talk to him.

Rich,

Have you thought about going to the pawn shop, asking for the information and if it was stolen getting the police involved? They can be responsible for contacting this child's parents and straightening this out. As for your nephew, I would be strongly suggesting to his parent's that he have nothing to do with this young man any further, something I am sure your friend will probably enforce.

As for feeling depressed, I can imagine you would. However, I would first let the authorities get on this kid's tail for theft. If you pay for the item, he gets away with it.

Just a few of my thoughts.

I have the item numbers from the sticker they place on their items. I plan on taking it in tomorrow. I feel guilty. It is not about the 17 year old getting away with it. If the shop wishes to contact to police, I have no problems talking and reporting to the police.

Just my experience in the City of Flint, where this happened and given the neighborhood, the police would say " what did you expect?". Also for $3.99 + Tax I am not sure what they would do. But like I said if they want to call them, I will support it.

My Brother/Friend asked me to follow up with him, for if it is stolen he wants to make sure the 17 year old is not allowed over anymore.

To me, when a child or teen is in my care, I respect others, and I tried to keep an eye on them to make sure they did not break anything. Obviously, while I was looking at one of the items my nephew was interested in I think he took it then. But we shall see tomorrow.

 

[Brian King]

I often see things from different perspectives so I thought I might chime in on this interesting thread. Mr. Parsons instead of feeling guilt/shame/remorse perhaps you might wish to shout and sing. How often do we get the opportunity to give somebody, especially in this case at least two young men and perhaps even more people than that, a life lesson. So many lessons can be brought into the light from this incident. Young people especially boy/men need to test boundaries and you showed them that yes some people do have a line you should not cross and that there might be results from stupid actions. This young man may have been trying to show off for your nephew and ended up running away, hopefully from his fears and shame and not just to dinner, giving different lessons to both young men. People often say that God puts people into your life for a reason and you and this young man may have been put together for a reason. This might be the scare/lesson, shame/lesson that turns his life around. Like a very large ship lives often can not turn on a dime and the turn often cannot be seen at first but with a series of nudges and pushes perhaps a turn can indeed happen.

Perhaps this young man and his actions have been brought into your life so you both can receive lessons…it is often something I wonder about in my own dealings with people.

I might suggest that you take your nephew with you and check out the story together and in person. He can perhaps learn from you and or the store owner/manager. Let him tell you what the lesson(s) is over a burger and coke and spend some time with him. Also sir you may wish to be prepared to show him how an adult acts and behaves if he made a mistake.

Please continue keeping us in the loop
And good luck

Brian King

 

[shesulsa]

Dear Rich,

Good advice here. I understand why you feel responsible - it's because anytime you have someone like this with you, you feel obligated to set example, to give the opportunity of trustworthiness, to relax a bit. You didn't do anything wrong - this boy violated your trust and the trust of his friend and the trust of the shop owner.

Something's going on with this kid - doesn't sound like his first time, either. Remember teens are very susceptible to peer pressure and are likely to commit petty theft.

Rich, try not to confuse pity or empathy with responsibility. This is not your problem nor is it your doing, this is an opportunity to teach this boy and your nephew a good lesson by doing the right thing. And don't you for a moment feel guilty about paying too much attention to the purpose of your visit to the pawn shop. A 17 year old boy should be responsible for himself - he clearly knew better and acted indifferently. Shame on him, not you.

As to your faith in the human race ... sounds to me like this boy was delivered to you for a purpose; maybe just mild enough to give him the knowledge that not everyone will turn their heads from petty theft. That he should pay attention to his small, petty deeds because others will as well. No big production needed, just the appropriate right action. So perhaps the faith you're looking for is what someone else has in you.

 

[grydth]

Mr Parsons, have you ever considered that this event may have been a good thing? Every year, untold numbers of (often innocent) teens wind up getting arrested because they are with the wrong crowd or person... the genuinely bad actor who has the stolen property or the drugs... or the gun. Thanks to you, this will not happen to your nephew - but had you not come along and reacted the decent way that you did, it well could have.

While we should always maintain a sense of right and wrong, let me constructively say that 'losing faith in the human race' is perhaps an overreaction, as is your becoming 'depressed'....... you did nothing morally or legally wrong here, quite the opposite. In fact, most human beings involved in this seem to have done right.

Why become depressed over another teen's misdemeanor level misconduct when you can rejoice over your nephew's strong sense of justice? There's things that shake my view of the world too - visiting a crime scene where a beautiful young woman was beaten to death with a bat, walking through Ann Frank's house... You are one of the good guys, but you should grow some emotional kevlar... for there are much worse by way of villains in the world.

 

[tshadowchaser]

Looking at this from a little different approch:
The fact that yu went to the kids house and his parents seemed to play along or not question him on the items bothers me. Either they don't care if he steals or they cover up for him hopeing he will not do it again. In both cases they are as much or more to blame than the kid.
The fact that your nephew knows this kid most likelystole the items should be a warnning for him to find a new friend

 

[jks9199]

In-so-far everyone has been spot on. It's NOT your fault, (almost) every kid will steal something at one time or another, and your guilt is not warranted because YOU didn't do anything wrong.
If you just met the kid then how were you to know eh? Better you find out NOW about him before he spreads it to your nephew, right?
As for his parents... well we've observed on other threads that no parent has a child that does wrong. ... at least THEY won't admit it.
You don't have to feel bad for another person's wrong-doing. He's almost at the legal age of adult. If you really want to feel better then yeah, turn him in to the police. It just MIGHT stop him from a life of crime eh?

First -- I take issue with your statement that "(almost) every kid will steal..." Yes, plenty of kids do shoplift or steal. Even more don't. The "everyone does it" mentality leads to inneffective responses to criminal activity, and actually encourages it. Kids do stupid things; kids who are held responsible tend (in my experience) to learn from the mistake. And this particular "kid" is 17; he's going to wake up one morning in several months to the rude shock that society will actually hold him responsible for his choices.

That said, and flowing from it, really, is the idea that this knucklehead should be held responsible. It's a petty theft; in many states, there may even be a shoplifter awareness/diversion program -- because most people who get caught, don't re-offend. The kid needs to be dealt with. Especially since his parents are apparently clueless. (Have I said before how I'm sick and tired of clueless parents automatically defending their knucklehead kids?)

And -- yeah, given the circumstances described, the kid is looking guilty as hell.

 

[terryl965]

Rich I'm sorry you had to feel this way but it happens in today world, must of the time the kids do not need it but see it publicized on TV and movies and figures They will do the same.
peace be with you my brother.

 

[Brian R. VanCise]

Rich I think you are handling this the right way and I hope that your newphew can learn a life lesson as well as the 17 year old. Good luck!

 

[Rich Parsons]

Thanks everyone for their advice, opinions and comments.

I went to the Pawn Shop today. My Nephew was busy at his local neighborhod church. They put on a Super Saturday once a month. They have local just starting out bands come in and play for free. They have a grill for some hotdogs for the kids and a bouncing tent for the little ones. All free. The Nehphew was helping them set up the music equipment. He had told them he would help, so I thought it best for him to keep his word and assist in this volunteering.

At the shop, they were happy I came in but surprised and confused. At first they thought I was trying to track something that someone had bought from their store that I was now saying it was mine. i.e. tracking down who stole my stuff. Once I explained it was a possible theft of their products, they wre very thankful but apologetic. Their computer system had failed that morning, and I could see that all transactions were being done on paper and someone behind the counter was trying to get a computer to boot up at least in safe mode. They took the "numbers" I recorded from the item in question and my business card for my cell phone. Once the system is up they told me they would call me. I may not here something for a couple of days if they have to get professional help for their computer.

I stopped at my Nephew's place. He came down during a quick break after the equipment was up and before the show started. I asked him if "Dave" the 17 year old had come by? He said he came and got his skateboard and stuff and left. I then asked him if he understood why I was upset and why I wanted to find out for sure? He stated he understood. That it is not good to steal. His dad told me last night that he wanted to know for sure as well. So he could re-enforce that even just being with someone who stole will get you in trouble.


I am still concerned, but will have to wait. *** Note: For three years they have never had a problem with their computer system. ***


Well I just got a phone call. The item as stolen. And based upon the dollar amount and their expereince with the local police they are not going to press charges. I offered to make a report for them. The only thing they asked for was a description and if I could get a full name and age, so they could make a note not to have him in the store.

 

[Brian King]

Sir,
PM sent
Brian King

 

[Rich Parsons]

Sir,
PM sent
Brian King

I got it.

Thanks

 

[bluemtn]

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you while the kid was under your supervision... At least you were able to finally find out that the item was stolen, and your nephew understood the situation.