How can I BLOCK hard enough to dissuade further attack?

[ballen0351]

Two parents staying together but abusing each other is much worse then two divorced parents living apart and loving their kids. I almost think this post is not real but if it is staying no matter what "block" you try is pointless. If you had to place cameras in your house to prove your defending yourself is no way to live.

 

[TwentyThree]

I have to chime in:

1) You can always palis or pass the strike. That being said,
2) Yeeeah, you need to get out of this relationship immediately. If you were female and she were male, that'd be the advice. It's no different just because you're a dude. Abuse and violence is abuse and violence, and never should be tolerated, especially for children.

 

[FatMan]

If I were doing to her what she's doing to me ... I'd be in jail, she'd divorce and get full custody ... problem solved.

Equality under the law theoretically means I can do the same. Practically, getting conviction & custody with the abuse at this level ... I'm not so sure. Because of the severity of abuse inflicted by male abusers, the system takes domestic abuse by the man more seriously. She claims that no one would believe a 5'9" 200 pound woman (who really doesn't know how to hit) is actually hurting a 6'2" 260 pound man. Actual hurt isn't the point ... but the pattern of abuse is.

Keeping the marriage together on this level is bad for the kids. Granted.

I will not "get out" until I can take the kids out of the problem too. I will not permit them to take the brunt of the abuse. I'm not faulting other parents who have done that in other circumstances. But these are my circumstances and my responsibility.

Serious counseling ... good idea, but she's bailed out of counseling repeatedly. It won't work if she won't let it.

 

[FatMan]

There is a third option. Let her hit you, and position yourself do that she hurts herself. This is my personal favorite.
Sean

I like that option. How do I pull it off? She's slapping with the right hand toward my head. How do I turn that into a movement in which she hurts herself?

 

[Touch Of Death]

I like that option. How do I pull it off? She's slapping with the right hand toward my head. How do I turn that into a movement in which she hurts herself?

Put your hand over the side of your face, and aim your clinched elbow at the incoming fore arm.

 

[Touch Of Death]

Put your hand over the side of your face, and aim your clinched elbow at the incoming fore arm.

Or put your fist next your face and catch the slap with your knuckles. I did this to my sister all the time. Didn't you have a crazy sister?

 

[Chris Parker]

Get out. Now. Forget what you think the results will be, what the custody battle will be like, waiting for you to have everything on your side, or whatever else fantasy is filling your head. Get out. Now.

When it comes to "what block should I use?", there is no magic technique. There is nothing anyone can give you over the medium of an internet forum that has any real practicality for you whatsoever. In order to do what you're asking, you need a fair bit of proper training in it... and, if you had that, you wouldn't be asking us for this magic pill. Techniques mean nothing without the proper training to back them up.

Look, I'll be blunt here. I don't give a damn about what you think things are looking like to outside observers. I don't give a damn about what you think is going to help you or not (you don't really have much of an idea, as you're looking for something that doesn't exist [for you], and ignoring the reality of what's going on around you), and I don't give a damn about your perception of the legal system you have to deal with in regards to divorce and custody battles. You've come to us with a problem (not the one you think you have), looking for a solution (which isn't what you need), and I am concerned with the reality of that.

There's already precedent and police records (no charges doesn't mean that there wasn't a record), there's already enough for you to make a case. There's no such thing as an airtight case, waiting for it is procrastination due to fear of what "might be".

Get out. Now. Anything else is a half-measure.

 

[RTKDCMB]

Try blocking her with a restraining order.

 

[sfs982000]

Have you reported any of the violence to the police and started some sort of papertrail with them? If you haven't that might be a good place to start that way if/when you had to go to court for custody of the kids there is a documented pattern of abuse that they (the courts) can pull from.

 

[FatMan]

Yes, there's documentation, some of it with a court.

 

[ballen0351]

If I were doing to her what she's doing to me ... I'd be in jail, she'd divorce and get full custody ... problem solved.

Equality under the law theoretically means I can do the same. Practically, getting conviction & custody with the abuse at this level ... I'm not so sure. Because of the severity of abuse inflicted by male abusers, the system takes domestic abuse by the man more seriously. She claims that no one would believe a 5'9" 200 pound woman (who really doesn't know how to hit) is actually hurting a 6'2" 260 pound man. Actual hurt isn't the point ... but the pattern of abuse is.

Keeping the marriage together on this level is bad for the kids. Granted.

I will not "get out" until I can take the kids out of the problem too. I will not permit them to take the brunt of the abuse. I'm not faulting other parents who have done that in other circumstances. But these are my circumstances and my responsibility.

Serious counseling ... good idea, but she's bailed out of counseling repeatedly. It won't work if she won't let it.

She's wrong. I've arrested many woman for domestic violence. Depending on the state. You don't even need to be "hurt" for an arrest. But as already stated report the assault, get a protective order in place protecting you and the kids and get a lawyer and get custody. Lots of men are getting full custody now its not like it was 25 years ago.

 

[Carol]

If I were doing to her what she's doing to me ... I'd be in jail, she'd divorce and get full custody ... problem solved.

Equality under the law theoretically means I can do the same. Practically, getting conviction & custody with the abuse at this level ... I'm not so sure. Because of the severity of abuse inflicted by male abusers, the system takes domestic abuse by the man more seriously. She claims that no one would believe a 5'9" 200 pound woman (who really doesn't know how to hit) is actually hurting a 6'2" 260 pound man. Actual hurt isn't the point ... but the pattern of abuse is.

Keeping the marriage together on this level is bad for the kids. Granted.

I will not "get out" until I can take the kids out of the problem too. I will not permit them to take the brunt of the abuse. I'm not faulting other parents who have done that in other circumstances. But these are my circumstances and my responsibility.

Serious counseling ... good idea, but she's bailed out of counseling repeatedly. It won't work if she won't let it.

Try getting some serious counseling for yourself. It will work for you, if you let it, and a good counselor can be a valuable resource in a difficult time.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I'm pullin' for ya, hope you and the kids can get to a better place soon.

 

[stonewall1350]

Is there a blocking technique that will cause significant discomfort to the striking party? It must be an obviously defensive move, not a "defense by offense".

You probably guessed it, but I need something to employ against an abusive woman -- without going to jail. Her assaults are pretty amateurish -- flurries of slaps toward the head. If I grab her wrists, she resorts to kicking the shins. Slapping the incoming forearms and tripping her resulted in a call to the sheriff's office. The deputies accepted that I had acted only defensively. Either of us could press charges ... but didn't. She didn't b/c her story had fallen apart. I didn't b/c the deputies presented it as a pretty pointless thing to do.

A couple years later, she has repeated a very similar ... tantrum. This time I ducked most of the clumsy slaps. I did retreat to an area of our home monitored by a security camera in case she accused me of something. Nearly the whole incident was recorded.

But I want a way to STOP this behavior ... without going to jail for it. I have never hit her and don't intend to. If I thought a slap or two or a butt-whipping could straighten her up, I would. But that would just get me charged with abuse and serve no productive purpose.

The obvious way to stop the abuse is to divorce her. I'm trying not to go there as we have children. If I DO divorce her, a clear record of her abusiveness will help me get custody ... and she is not stable enough to be a good mom on her own.

So, back to the original question. Is there a block or other DEFENSIVE move -- that on camera will be obviously defensive -- but will cause enough discomfort to the incoming forearm/hand/wrist that she's likely to stop? I prefer not to do her long-term damage (e.g. broken elbow), but if she can be bruised or swollen by such a move, she'll probably stop. Maybe call the cops again ... in which case I will press charges.

Thanks!

You need to press charges and divorce her. "For the kids" is a stupid and idiotic excuse you are telling yourself because you are scared of change. Just ask yourself if you want your kids around abusive parent/s...or 2 independent and emotionally stable parents? You don't have to be together to raise a functional happy kid. I teach kids. Even kids of divorced parents are happy, but kids in abusive families rarely are.


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[MJS]

If I were doing to her what she's doing to me ... I'd be in jail, she'd divorce and get full custody ... problem solved.

Equality under the law theoretically means I can do the same. Practically, getting conviction & custody with the abuse at this level ... I'm not so sure. Because of the severity of abuse inflicted by male abusers, the system takes domestic abuse by the man more seriously. She claims that no one would believe a 5'9" 200 pound woman (who really doesn't know how to hit) is actually hurting a 6'2" 260 pound man. Actual hurt isn't the point ... but the pattern of abuse is.

Keeping the marriage together on this level is bad for the kids. Granted.

I will not "get out" until I can take the kids out of the problem too. I will not permit them to take the brunt of the abuse. I'm not faulting other parents who have done that in other circumstances. But these are my circumstances and my responsibility.

Serious counseling ... good idea, but she's bailed out of counseling repeatedly. It won't work if she won't let it.

So, that said, you're willing to continue to take the abuse? In the end, that is your choice, and yours alone, to make. IMHO though, if you opt to stay and continue to deal with the abuse, then I would either A) not complain about it, since you're not willing to remove yourself from the bad situation, and B) make sure that at the least, you're calling the police, each time an incident happens. Furthermore, I would refrain from doing anything such as restraining or blocking. You're already bringing headaches on yourself, why bring on more?

 

[wimwag]

You need to press charges and divorce her. "For the kids" is a stupid and idiotic excuse you are telling yourself because you are scared of change. Just ask yourself if you want your kids around abusive parent/s...or 2 independent and emotionally stable parents? You don't have to be together to raise a functional happy kid. I teach kids. Even kids of divorced parents are happy, but kids in abusive families rarely are.


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Or kids in foster care and group homes. That's always a possibility too. You never know how far she will take it and once a line gets crossed the state steps in. Good luck getting them back after that.





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[stonewall1350]

Or kids in foster care and group homes. That's always a possibility too. You never know how far she will take it and once a line gets crossed the state steps in. Good luck getting them back after that.





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Yea. Very true. A home with abuse is very likely to see that.


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[Carol]

Many abused people unfortunately get "addicted" to the relationship. Its a pattern much like gambling addiction. They hate the losses/abuse. But the little payouts here and there hooks them in to hoping for a big payout.

I don't know if that's the case here but a good counselor would. And then once identified, the next step is to break the addiction and keep it broken. When the addiction is broken, then the person can next steps. Unfortunately sometimes this can be a race against time. Can the abused parent break the addiction, step up and move foreward before the state steps in and makes everything more complicated?

 

[wimwag]

Yea. Very true. A home with abuse is very likely to see that.


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absolute truth. Its how I grew up. Concrete treatment for the kid that tries to improve the quality of his life in captivity.





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