Forgiveness vs Settling the Score

[Monkey Turned Wolf]

Are you a counselor or therapist I would assume from your post? Good to get advice from a trained pro. I agree forgiving may make you feel better in the long term and may help you mentally. But it bothers me to let the abuser just go on with life happily while your suffering with the aftermath such as PTSD. Not fair but then again life is certainly not fair at all!

I agree Buka was most likely speaking in jest.

Yup. Although this is not professional advice, or advice for your situation. Just what I've gathered as a result of my experiences/profession. And you're right, it's not fair. But you've got to either accept life/the universe isn't fair and you can only do so much to change that, or believe life/the universe is fair (karma, god, etc.) and let it take control.

 

[donald1]

You pray to the gods of karma to mess them up! May the gods strike my enemies with the effects of 10,000 curses at once. May they truly regret their decision to cross me... If that doesn't work get a gun. Go down to the gun range. Follow all safety rules and regulations ,and get some good practice in to let off some steam. Cause let's be honest. Busting their knee caps with a baseball bat, and leaving them with no clothes miles out into the desert is illegal. You don't have to like the person who did you wrong. You don't even have to forgive them. Just let it go. Dont be a vindictive idiot. Get help. Let cops and lawyers worry about legal issues. It's bad for your health baby. Stop stressing out, And be happy.

 

[Steve]

Are you a counselor or therapist I would assume from your post? Good to get advice from a trained pro. I agree forgiving may make you feel better in the long term and may help you mentally. But it bothers me to let the abuser just go on with life happily while your suffering with the aftermath such as PTSD. Not fair but then again life is certainly not fair at all!

I agree Buka was most likely speaking in jest.

This is the part that I think would be particularly toxic. A lot of people keep score, and I think keeping score leads to settling scores, and all of that is entirely unproductive. Someone does something bad and gets away with it... happens all the time. You play a slot machine and dump $20 bucks and win nothing, you get up, and the next guy wins $1k. Cool. I've got plenty and I'm happy.

On the larger topic, while I don't keep score, I think I just approach this entire area differently. After thinking about this for a few days, I think I tend to categorize folks in a few ways. There are people on my **** list. A couple of you are on there, and will be for a long time. Then there are people whom I don't trust. Doesn't mean I'm mad at them or anything... I just don't trust them. They've done something along the way that leads me to question their sincerity or integrity. So, if someone is sneaky and gets ahead in a way that I think is questionable, I won't resent their success, but I won't be naive and trust them to work with me in good faith, either.

 

[Buka]

Jest? Moi?



On the wall of my old dojo was this.....



Below it was written, "If that doesn't work, try a hopping sidekick."

As for sneaking up behind someone in the dark, I wouldn't do that. I don't have to.

Do you know what Italian Althimzers is? We forget everything except a grudge.

 

[Chrisinmd]

Yup. Although this is not professional advice, or advice for your situation. Just what I've gathered as a result of my experiences/profession. And you're right, it's not fair. But you've got to either accept life/the universe isn't fair and you can only do so much to change that, or believe life/the universe is fair (karma, god, etc.) and let it take control.

Very wise words. So how does one get over bad memories of things that have been done to you in the past? I guess what I have heard is mindfullness and living in the present moment. But that seems difficult to me this stuff just seems to pop into my head. Probaly have PTSD or something. I was diagnosed with a anxiety disorder

 

[Monkey Turned Wolf]

Very wise words. So how does one get over bad memories of things that have been done to you in the past? I guess what I have heard is mindfullness and living in the present moment. But that seems difficult to me this stuff just seems to pop into my head. Probaly have PTSD or something. I was diagnosed with a anxiety disorder

Meet up with a therapist and go over your issues with them. I could only give you generic answers on here that may or may not help you, especially not knowing what's going on (and don't tell me-my advice will still be go see a therapist)

 

[Brian King]

Meet up with a therapist and go over your issues with them. I could only give you generic answers on here that may or may not help you, especially not knowing what's going on (and don't tell me-my advice will still be go see a therapist)

Awesome advice. I have seen therapists help many people gain insight and clarity as well as develop useful tools and strategies. Not all therapists are equal and not all therapies apply - @Monkey Turned Wolf - might you be able to suggest a web site or reference that points out different types of therapies and therapists that someone like Chrisinmd or others might be able to look thru for ideas and perhaps a map of a path forward?

Regards
Brian King

 

[Patience]

There is forgiveness, and then there's moving on. Some people define forgiveness as moving on, and if you look up the definition, that's what it will tell you - to cease having resentment toward someone, and such. In my mind, and maybe because I don't have another word for it, "forgiveness" means you are ok with the person and it's like the thing they did to you didn't happen - you've totally said "we're good" and you honestly feel that way, and you carry on with your relationship. I can move on and not let the offense take up any mind-share in my head without forgiving. If someone does me wrong, I let them know and then they don't get any more of my energy, attention, or time. I don't think about them; I don't hate them. I just don't care any more about them or what happens to them or what they do or say or whatever. If I decide (key words here being "I decide" - we all have control over what we decide and how we react) that I can't forgive what they did, then that has nothing to do with my moving on. Forgiveness has to do with my relationship with them. Moving on has to do only with me, not them. In my life, I have both forgiven, and moved on. Not usually the same people, though.