We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything
that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it
brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra
contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our
backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with
those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies,
have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed
cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for
the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your
uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his
little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was
about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water
for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with
the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and
day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we
pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam
in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the
mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way
to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual
prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all
Womanhood. It's either take the HR. and chance cancer in those now
seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in
July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything
that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get
off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods
without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a
tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"?
Yeah right. Bite me.
that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it
brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra
contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our
backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with
those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies,
have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed
cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for
the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your
uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his
little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was
about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water
for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with
the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and
day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we
pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam
in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the
mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way
to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual
prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all
Womanhood. It's either take the HR. and chance cancer in those now
seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in
July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything
that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get
off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods
without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a
tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"?
Yeah right. Bite me.
