Drinking Jokes!
- Thread starter Rynocerous
- Start date
OP
OP
Rynocerous
Blue Belt
There's this guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but the cab had already driven away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I'm thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
Cheers,
Ryan
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but the cab had already driven away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I'm thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
Cheers,
Ryan
OP
OP
Rynocerous
Blue Belt
I think you women will like this one...
A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK, "she says. "I'll take two of them."
Cheers,
Ryan
The Feminist
A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK, "she says. "I'll take two of them."
Cheers,
Ryan
OP
OP
Rynocerous
Blue Belt
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]SENSITIVE STUFF[/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT?" exclaims Jeff. "You just told her her husband died [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "When she answered [/font][font=Courier New, Courier, mono]the door, I asked her, [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?' she said, 'No, no, you're [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack[/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]you ARE!'"[/font]
OP
OP
Rynocerous
Blue Belt
ROFLOL :rofl: :barf: Come on Shesulsa, you know we don't take returns. Besides, like a drink, you have it there then leave which should be quick and painless. Five minutes max! Unless you are having multiple drinks, then you find a comfortable place to pit in and have a long night of s...errr um drinking. :angel:shesulsa said:
Cheers,
Ryan
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there was a choice!"
Slà inte mhòr agad!
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there was a choice!"
Slà inte mhòr agad!
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced
clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram.
"There's no risk of you starting now!"
clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram.
"There's no risk of you starting now!"
*kicks MACaver under the table*MACaver said:
SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aw, well, what's a little fun and spice to kick up the old marriage recipe a notch or two and keep the old man happy? How am I supposed to larn all these new tricks he's a-wantin' unless I seek the arduous labors of a good tutor?
*elbows Ralph* Eh? Eh?
*increases pressure on Ralph's foot*
Raewyn
Master Black Belt
[font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”
“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”[/font]
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”
“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”[/font]
Now THAT was funny :uhyeah:
D
Deuce
Guest
A man walks into a bar and sits down in front of the bar tender. The bar tender says "Hi there. What can I get for ya?" . The man says "I'll have a scotch on the rocks". So the bartender gets the man his scotch, the man downs it, gets up and starts walking to the door. "Hey buddy, you forgot to pay for the drink!", the bar tender yells as the man opens the door. "No sir I didn't. You specifically said "what can I get for ya" and didn't imply that I had to pay for it. If I would have known that the drink involved a transaction of money, I would have turned it down." The bar tender got a little upset and told the man to never enter his bar again. The next day the same man comes in and sits down in front of the bar tender. The bar tender says "Hey buddy, I told you not to show your face around here again after tricking me into giving you a free drink yesturday." "What ever do you mean", the man asked "I'm just passing though town and this is the first time I've ever been to this bar". "Oh, I'm sorry sir, you must have a double", replied the bar tender. "Thanks! Make it a scotch on the rocks!"
OP
OP
Rynocerous
Blue Belt
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]NEW GOVERNMENT WARNINGS ON DRINKING[/font][font=Courier New, Courier, mono]As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10".
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read...
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.[/font]
Cheers,
Ryan
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10".
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read...
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.[/font]
Cheers,
Ryan
KenpoTex
Senior Master
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's a fag.
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's a fag.
OP
OP
Rynocerous
Blue Belt
:drinkbeer :rofl: :drink2tha :roflmao: :cheers: That was F'n hilarious!!!!
Cheers,
Ryan
Cheers,
Ryan
OP
OP
Rynocerous
Blue Belt
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]Pulled over by a cop.[/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]A man's driving along when he's pulled over by a cop car.
A cop approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Nah, why?" replies the man. "Have I got a fat chick in my car?"[/font]
D
Deuce
Guest
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s diddle is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “Ohhh, God...they got my girlfriend too!”
“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s diddle is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “Ohhh, God...they got my girlfriend too!”
