A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'What is this; some kind of joke?'
corny joke time
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donald1
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Me and my friend was telling jokes and he said a funny one I thought I'd share this one first
Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.
I shot my first turkey today, it scared everyone in the freezer isle
Roses are red
This part is true
Violets are purple
Not _______ blue!
Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.
I shot my first turkey today, it scared everyone in the freezer isle
Roses are red
This part is true
Violets are purple
Not _______ blue!
An Amsih father and son were in a mall for the first time. They were amazed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The son asks, "What is this, father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responds, "I've never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know, son."
While the father and son look at it in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moves up to the silver walls, presses a button. The walls open, the lady rolls between the men and goes into the small room. The walls close and the son and his father watch the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continue to watch as it reaches the top number....and then the numbers begin to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls open up again and a good looking 24 year old blond steps out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the blond as she walks away, says quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."
The son asks, "What is this, father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responds, "I've never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know, son."
While the father and son look at it in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moves up to the silver walls, presses a button. The walls open, the lady rolls between the men and goes into the small room. The walls close and the son and his father watch the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continue to watch as it reaches the top number....and then the numbers begin to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls open up again and a good looking 24 year old blond steps out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the blond as she walks away, says quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."
donald1
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My car is 16 years old and drives about as good as a 16 year old
After a long day the husband and wife are sitting and they start talking
Wife: i think I'm fat, can you give me a complement
Husband: you got great eye sight
There was this really bad bar in the downtown area they say someone gets stabbed every 42 seconds, poor guy
After a long day the husband and wife are sitting and they start talking
Wife: i think I'm fat, can you give me a complement
Husband: you got great eye sight
There was this really bad bar in the downtown area they say someone gets stabbed every 42 seconds, poor guy
donald1
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A father of three kids a 17, 16, and a 14 year old teenagers. The three kids are very talkative and always talk and ask questions, for a week they all constantly ask their father for something they can do together. One day the father finds a martial arts club. And when they got there they signed up and one of the kids notice a sign and it said "shut up and train"
This is a visual so bear with me: You open up with what ever Karate/TKD opening you know and announce that you are performing WAX ON & WAX OFF, then you get into a fighting stance and start scrubbing your center line with big circles (This should look pretty cool so they won't know it's a joke yet), then you suddenly start scrubbing faster and faster with tighter and tighter circles, until finally you lick your finger and start scratching on the center line like you are picking dried food off of a plate. 
It always gets a laugh.
It always gets a laugh.
donald1
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EI went going to a party and brought hamburgers but some of the people got mad and said it was against their religion ... Next time I won't make that mistake... I'll bring steak instead.)
I tried being a doctor once, I had 3 patients
The first patient had a weird arm, it wouldn't bend! So I gave him a couple of dumbbells and told him to go home, lift weights everything will be fine
Then another patient walked in, this was the third patient, not the second he kept complaining about a concussion, so I told him go back to the hall way get some rest and I'll get back to him soon
So the second patient is brought in on a stretcher and hees in bad shape I couldn't understand him because he kept making gurgling noises but I'm pretty sure it sounded like "im fine doctor, you can go home" and you know what.. The customer is always right
I tried being a doctor once, I had 3 patients
The first patient had a weird arm, it wouldn't bend! So I gave him a couple of dumbbells and told him to go home, lift weights everything will be fine
Then another patient walked in, this was the third patient, not the second he kept complaining about a concussion, so I told him go back to the hall way get some rest and I'll get back to him soon
So the second patient is brought in on a stretcher and hees in bad shape I couldn't understand him because he kept making gurgling noises but I'm pretty sure it sounded like "im fine doctor, you can go home" and you know what.. The customer is always right
donald1
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Chicken Strips!... because she never knew her father.
I just mixed I Can't Believe It's Not Butter with my regular butter; now, I don't know what to believe?
donald1
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Today I was at work, working so hard, the manager even came by to say I was hardly working
When I was a kid they had a lot of pirate movies but I could never watch them cause they were rated argh
Did you see that dog in the mailbox? Neither did the mailman...
Why was there a monkey in the mail box? Monkey see monkey do
Why did the chicken cross the street? To see the dog in the mailbox
How does curiosity kill the cat? Opening a mailbox
I'm not shore which mailbox the dog was in but I stood by the ocean so I could get a better view to sea from
When I was a kid they had a lot of pirate movies but I could never watch them cause they were rated argh
Did you see that dog in the mailbox? Neither did the mailman...
Why was there a monkey in the mail box? Monkey see monkey do
Why did the chicken cross the street? To see the dog in the mailbox
How does curiosity kill the cat? Opening a mailbox
I'm not shore which mailbox the dog was in but I stood by the ocean so I could get a better view to sea from
skribs
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I was out of town, and it was late, and I needed to unwind. I found a bar near my hotel to grab a drink and watch the game. When I first walked in the bar, I noticed there were a lot of guys around, but I didn't think much of it. A few minutes later I realized I was at a gay bar. But, nobody was bothering me, I already had my beer, and it was a good game on TV, so I decided to stay. Then, around 2:45 in the morning, a whole bunch of guys came up and started hitting on me. That's when I realized: I'm the ugly chick at the gay bar.
---
They say "friends don't let friends drink and drive". But they don't say what to do about your enemies. I was at a party, and there was this guy who was always a real jerk to me, getting ready to go home. I said "hey," and he goes "what do you want, losher?"
I said "I bet you can't make it home in 5 minutes or less!"
---
Does it scare anyone else that it's easier for 2 people to make a human being than it is for them to put together furniture from Ikea? I've never woken up after blacking out to find a new TV stand in my living room!
---
A little piggie walks into a bar, orders a drink of water, drinks it, goes to the bathroom and leaves.
A second little piggie does the same thing; gets a glass of water, drinks it, goes to the bathroom, and leaves.
A third and fourth follow suit.
A fifth little piggie walks into the bar, orders a drink of water, drinks it, and gets up to leave.
The bartender asks "aren't you going to go to the bathroom first?"
The fifth piggies says "no, I'm the little piggie that goes wee wee all the way home!"
---
An airman, a sailor, and a marine are at a joint exercise, and all go in to the bathroom at the same time.
When they're done, the airman makes a huge show about washing his hands thoroughly, and says "after dropping a lot of chemical bombs, the airforce learned how important good hygiene is."
The sailor washes his hands using as little water as possible, and says "in the Navy, we understand what a precious resource water is, so we try not to waste water."
The marine doesn't wash his hands at all, and says "in the Corps, we just don't pee on our hands."
---
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a ship's helm on the front of his pants. The bartender asks "do you know you've got a steering wheel coming out your fly?"
"Ar," the pirate says, "it's driving me nuts!"
---
How do you make an octopus laugh? Give it ten tickles.
How did the spies pass inspection? Because they got information.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A centipede with athlete's foot.
---
They say "friends don't let friends drink and drive". But they don't say what to do about your enemies. I was at a party, and there was this guy who was always a real jerk to me, getting ready to go home. I said "hey," and he goes "what do you want, losher?"
I said "I bet you can't make it home in 5 minutes or less!"
---
Does it scare anyone else that it's easier for 2 people to make a human being than it is for them to put together furniture from Ikea? I've never woken up after blacking out to find a new TV stand in my living room!
---
A little piggie walks into a bar, orders a drink of water, drinks it, goes to the bathroom and leaves.
A second little piggie does the same thing; gets a glass of water, drinks it, goes to the bathroom, and leaves.
A third and fourth follow suit.
A fifth little piggie walks into the bar, orders a drink of water, drinks it, and gets up to leave.
The bartender asks "aren't you going to go to the bathroom first?"
The fifth piggies says "no, I'm the little piggie that goes wee wee all the way home!"
---
An airman, a sailor, and a marine are at a joint exercise, and all go in to the bathroom at the same time.
When they're done, the airman makes a huge show about washing his hands thoroughly, and says "after dropping a lot of chemical bombs, the airforce learned how important good hygiene is."
The sailor washes his hands using as little water as possible, and says "in the Navy, we understand what a precious resource water is, so we try not to waste water."
The marine doesn't wash his hands at all, and says "in the Corps, we just don't pee on our hands."
---
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a ship's helm on the front of his pants. The bartender asks "do you know you've got a steering wheel coming out your fly?"
"Ar," the pirate says, "it's driving me nuts!"
---
How do you make an octopus laugh? Give it ten tickles.
How did the spies pass inspection? Because they got information.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A centipede with athlete's foot.
skribs
Grandmaster
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Found these online:
What concert costs only 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback.
What is Forrest Gump’s password?
1FOREST1
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit.
They’re usually around 90 degrees.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a registered six offender.
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches to light them. What do they do?
Throw one cigarette overboard and now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.
My best friend has the heart of a lion,
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?
Christian Bail
I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s just something I could see myself doing.
What concert costs only 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback.
What is Forrest Gump’s password?
1FOREST1
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit.
They’re usually around 90 degrees.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a registered six offender.
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches to light them. What do they do?
Throw one cigarette overboard and now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.
My best friend has the heart of a lion,
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?
Christian Bail
I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s just something I could see myself doing.
donald1
Senior Master
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2013
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- 3,557
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- 844
What. Kind of cologne do woodsmen wear? Axe
What did the woodsman say to his neighbor? Can I ax you a question
Why did the woodsman cross the street? To axercise
Why was the woodsman late for work? He had an axident
Did the woodsman cause the axident? No, axually it was the other person
What did the woodsman say to his neighbor? Can I ax you a question
Why did the woodsman cross the street? To axercise
Why was the woodsman late for work? He had an axident
Did the woodsman cause the axident? No, axually it was the other person
Lizzie Borden asked her father if she could go to a slumber party. Her dad scratched his head, and said, "I don't know; why don't you go axe your mother?"
A man says to his friend, "I really messed up! I made a Freudian slip."
"Oh, what did you accidently say?", asked his concerned friend.
"Well, last night, I meant to ask my wife if she would pass the salt, but what I actually said was, You ruined my life you crazy *****!"
"Oh, what did you accidently say?", asked his concerned friend.
"Well, last night, I meant to ask my wife if she would pass the salt, but what I actually said was, You ruined my life you crazy *****!"
Ten adult truths -
1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
4. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
5.I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
6. Bad decisions make really good stories.
7. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
8. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or give a God damn about what they're trying to say.
9. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket or finding their cell phone, but I'd bet everyone here can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time.
Lastly-
I was in a Starbucks when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a whole song I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod... with headphones. But at least two guys named the song.
1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
4. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
5.I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
6. Bad decisions make really good stories.
7. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
8. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or give a God damn about what they're trying to say.
9. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket or finding their cell phone, but I'd bet everyone here can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time.
Lastly-
I was in a Starbucks when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a whole song I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod... with headphones. But at least two guys named the song.
donald1
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I'm always productive, making rash decisions always help, when you do good, good for you, when you mess up you learn not to do that
Especially in class where your instructor(the one known for making people do pushups) when he/she in earshot or view and definitely don't make eye contact when you do something stupid, cause then you just better hope he/she isn't holding a stick :lfao:
Especially in class where your instructor(the one known for making people do pushups) when he/she in earshot or view and definitely don't make eye contact when you do something stupid, cause then you just better hope he/she isn't holding a stick :lfao:
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure, and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, to live without fear and regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.
No wait... Sorry. I'm thinking of vodka. It's vodka that does all that crap. Never mind
She will reassure him when he feels insecure, and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, to live without fear and regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.
No wait... Sorry. I'm thinking of vodka. It's vodka that does all that crap. Never mind
donald1
Senior Master
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Doctor: "Liquor is a slow poison for you.
" Patient: "It’s all-right. I’m not in a hurry."
Officer: (talking on walkie talkie) reporting in a 314 and a 390
The man dosnt see the cop so he keeps walking down the sidewalk curb
Officer: im going to have to place you under arrest for public intoxicated
The man sits there looks at the man and gives him and says thankyou sir I thought I was crippled
Why was the witch arrested for? Hexing and driving
" Patient: "It’s all-right. I’m not in a hurry."
Officer: (talking on walkie talkie) reporting in a 314 and a 390
The man dosnt see the cop so he keeps walking down the sidewalk curb
Officer: im going to have to place you under arrest for public intoxicated
The man sits there looks at the man and gives him and says thankyou sir I thought I was crippled
Why was the witch arrested for? Hexing and driving
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