Blond Joke
- Thread starter KenpoTex
- Start date
Ok let's try this again shall we?
Blonde dieting
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor
put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly
for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor
by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did
you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Blonde dieting
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor
put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly
for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor
by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did
you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Flatlander
Grandmaster
I have plenty of poopy diapers to go around, but I respect you all enough to protect you from that evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, bad, evil, stuff.mj-hi-yah said:
*No problem! I'll handle it!*
Yeah, did you hear about the blonde Al-Queda operative?
They sent him to blow up a bus, but he burned his mouth on the tailpipe.
----
I went to the hardware store for some blonde paint, because its cheap and it spreads easily.
----
Why can't blonde women make icecubes?
They cant find the recipie.
They sent him to blow up a bus, but he burned his mouth on the tailpipe.
----
I went to the hardware store for some blonde paint, because its cheap and it spreads easily.
----
Why can't blonde women make icecubes?
They cant find the recipie.
Randy Strausbaugh
Master Black Belt
Know why blondes hate M&Ms? They're too hard to peel.
Hear about the blonde who was fired from her job as an elevator operator? She couldn't learn the route.
Hear about the blonde who wanted to be a quarterback? The coach held up the ball and asked her if she could pass it. She answered "If I can swallow it, I can pass it."
Two blondes are doing carpentry work on a house. One looks at a nail, shakes her head, and throws the nail over her shoulder. She repeats this with some, but not all, of the other nails. The second blonde, unable to contain herself, asks what's going on. "Some of these nails are defective," the first blonde answers. "The points are on the wrong end." "Those nails arn't defective," replies the second blonde, "They're for the other side of the house."
A blonde spots a house on fire and calls the fire department.
"How do we get there?" asks the dispatcher.
"Duh, in the big red truck."
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in the brunette's living room, chatting, when they see the brunette's husband coming up the walk with an arm full of roses.
"Ah, jeez." says the brunette. "I can see I'm going to have my legs in the air all weekend."
The blonde asks, "Wouldn't it be easier to just buy a vase?"
A blonde comes home and catches her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. Infuriated, she goes to the dresser and pulls out a pistol. Both the husband and the redhead are terrified until the blonde points the gun to her own head, at which point they start to laugh. "Don't laugh," says the blonde, "you're next!"
Hear about the blonde who was fired from her job as an elevator operator? She couldn't learn the route.
Hear about the blonde who wanted to be a quarterback? The coach held up the ball and asked her if she could pass it. She answered "If I can swallow it, I can pass it."
Two blondes are doing carpentry work on a house. One looks at a nail, shakes her head, and throws the nail over her shoulder. She repeats this with some, but not all, of the other nails. The second blonde, unable to contain herself, asks what's going on. "Some of these nails are defective," the first blonde answers. "The points are on the wrong end." "Those nails arn't defective," replies the second blonde, "They're for the other side of the house."
A blonde spots a house on fire and calls the fire department.
"How do we get there?" asks the dispatcher.
"Duh, in the big red truck."
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in the brunette's living room, chatting, when they see the brunette's husband coming up the walk with an arm full of roses.
"Ah, jeez." says the brunette. "I can see I'm going to have my legs in the air all weekend."
The blonde asks, "Wouldn't it be easier to just buy a vase?"
A blonde comes home and catches her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. Infuriated, she goes to the dresser and pulls out a pistol. Both the husband and the redhead are terrified until the blonde points the gun to her own head, at which point they start to laugh. "Don't laugh," says the blonde, "you're next!"
I
Insedia_Cantharis
Guest
ok, time for a blond GUY joke...
An old woman is walking through a park, and she sees two blond men. They are drenched in sweat and obviously working VERY hard. As she whatches, the lady notices something strange.
As the first man digs a small hole with his shovel and moves on, the other comes in behind him and fills it. The lady thinks this is rather silly, but they are working so hard she decides to go tell them so.
"Congradulations, boys, you are doing a wonderfull job" the lady says.
"Thankyou ma'am" replyes the first. "I think we're doing well, even if we are shorthanded."
"Shorthanded?" the woman asks.
"Why yes," says the second. "usually there is one more of us, but the guy who puts the tree in is sick today."
An old woman is walking through a park, and she sees two blond men. They are drenched in sweat and obviously working VERY hard. As she whatches, the lady notices something strange.
As the first man digs a small hole with his shovel and moves on, the other comes in behind him and fills it. The lady thinks this is rather silly, but they are working so hard she decides to go tell them so.
"Congradulations, boys, you are doing a wonderfull job" the lady says.
"Thankyou ma'am" replyes the first. "I think we're doing well, even if we are shorthanded."
"Shorthanded?" the woman asks.
"Why yes," says the second. "usually there is one more of us, but the guy who puts the tree in is sick today."
Two Blondes are talking
Blonde one: "Do you know what my favorite color is?"
Blonde two: "No, what is it?"
Blonde one: "My Favorite color is Clear"
Blonde two: "That is soo cool, as my favorite color is transparent"
:rofl:
Blonde one: "Do you know what my favorite color is?"
Blonde two: "No, what is it?"
Blonde one: "My Favorite color is Clear"
Blonde two: "That is soo cool, as my favorite color is transparent"
:rofl:
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
=====
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
=====
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
B
Bigodinho
Guest
That's got to be one of the funniest I've ever heard. :lool:Taimishu said:
T
Tkang_TKD
Guest
A blonde decides to try horseback riding,
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and
the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from
the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the
horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly
ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde
attempts to leap away from the horse and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot becomes entangled in the stirrup,
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground over and over. As her head is
battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when to
her great fortune, the Wal-Mart greeter, notices her dismal situation and
quickly runs over and unplugs the horse from the electrical outlet.
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and
the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from
the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the
horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly
ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde
attempts to leap away from the horse and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot becomes entangled in the stirrup,
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground over and over. As her head is
battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when to
her great fortune, the Wal-Mart greeter, notices her dismal situation and
quickly runs over and unplugs the horse from the electrical outlet.
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