# How To Sing The Blues



## Kirk (Oct 6, 2002)

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood  the
why/wherefore, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."   

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you  stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with  the
meanest face in town."   

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat  it.
Then find something that rhymes sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound,"   

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck  in a
ditch . . . ain't no way out.   

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.  Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft  and
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'  plays a
major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.   

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.   

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to
have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with  male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not  the
Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.   

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The  lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the  dumpster.   

10. Good places for the Blues:  a. highway  b. jailhouse  c. empty bed  d.
bottom of a whiskey glass   

11. Bad places for the Blues:  a. Nordstrom's  b. gallery openings  c. Ivy
League institutions  d. golf courses   

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you  happen
to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.   

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:  a. you older than
dirt  b. you blind  c. you shot a man in Memphis  d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:  a. you have all your teeth  b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived  d. you have a 401K or trust fund   

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.  Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a
leg up on the Blues.   

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's  the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:  a. cheap wine (white
zinfandel)  b. whiskey or bourbon  c. muddy water  d. black coffee   The
following are NOT Blues beverages:  a. Perrier  b. Chardonnay  c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast   

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a  Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to  die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a  broken
cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or  while
getting liposuction.  

17. Some Blues names for women:  a. Sadie  b. Big Mama  c. Bessie  d. Fat
River Dumpling   

18. Some Blues names for men:  a. Joe  b. Willie  c. Little Willie  d. Big Willie   

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and  Heather
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in  Memphis.   

20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:  a. name of physical infirmity
(Blind, Cripple, Lame,etc.)  b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime,  Kiwi,  etc.)  c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)  For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
Cripple  Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi")   

21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you  cannot
sing the blues.


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## karatekid1975 (Oct 8, 2002)

LOL. That was good.

Did ya ever hear the country music joke? If you play a country music song backwards, you get yer truck, back, get yer girl/guy back, get yer dog back, get yer house back ......... Say the joke in a southern accent :rofl:


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## kenposcum (Oct 9, 2002)

Thanks for ruining my pants, Kirk!
:asian:


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