# Girlfriend troubles...



## Touch Of Death (Jun 19, 2008)

I know I should just dump her and be done with it, but My new girlfriend doesn't have any control of her three year old daughter. I yelled for her not to run into the street last night and was in big trouble for yelling. Although we fought about it last night, we again experienced her running off this morning. This time I made no effort to correct the situation and I even pretended none of it was happening. My girlfriend said she could still tell I was upset, and had no right to be so. I said, all I can do is "show" no concern, but she me demands "having" no concern. She broke up with me in between a string of profanities. Should I stay or should I go?
Sean


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## harlan (Jun 19, 2008)

I can't imagine a harder situation than to be in a relationship with someone who has kids from a previous relationship. Kudos to you for caring enough to get involved. 

In the 'old days', when a man moved in, he was the 'defacto dad'. The roles for all were understood. The roles are not clearly defined anymore...and the problems are the same whether or not one is married or 'living together'. Issues of money, personal and shared space, and parenting and household responsibilities, etc. Especially where there are kids, and possibly another dad/parent still in the picture.

If the two of your are serious about a long-term relationship, and you stay, you might want to consider a little family counseling. Shouting, and profanities, isn't what I'd consider a 'constructive dialogue'...so that needs to be addressed first.


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## Topeng (Jun 19, 2008)

Be done with it. In your first sentence she was described as your "new" girlfriend. With issues getting to the point of yelling profanities and breaking up early in a relationship without talking things out, I don't see a light at the end of that tunnel.
More importantly, holding on to something that isn't there can hurt the 3yr old in the long run.
Just my .02


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## terryl965 (Jun 19, 2008)

FD I will answer with a question, what do you want? We can all give advice about what is best for you but it would be in total dis-respect for you and her. Since we do not know everything and especially feeling we are not in the position to tell you. If you beleive so maybe a good couple counselor would be a step in the right direction and if you decide to walk out be prepared to leave everything behind that would include all emotions involved.

I hope the best for you.


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## Big Don (Jun 19, 2008)

It is easier to stay out then get out. That said, the farther you get in the harder it is to get out. 
Bail out now.


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## Lisa (Jun 19, 2008)

Run for the hills.  If she is string profanities at you this soon in the relationship, things aren't going to get any better.  Maybe this is mean for me to say but maybe there is a reason that little girl's dad isn't around, maybe he got tired of being treated like that as well.


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## Kacey (Jun 19, 2008)

Anyone who would yell at you for preventing potential injury to a child - especially potential injury to her own child - has issues that will appear more and more strongly as the relationship progresses.  I would say get out - but if you feel you cannot, then I would go Terry's suggestion that you get couples' counseling... if you get lucky, you might get one who would talk her into parenting classes as well; it sounds like she needs it.


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## Touch Of Death (Jun 19, 2008)

As it would happen we are on our way to counceling through her church if we make it that far. When I say New I mean since Columbus Day. I do want to help her but there are does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel... I also hear a horn. LOL
Sean


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## harlan (Jun 19, 2008)

*shudders* I've heard this before...'church counseling'. Run very far and very fast if she does not agree to counseling with a licensed professional in this field.



Touch Of Death said:


> As it would happen we are on our way to counceling through her church if we make it that far.


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## Touch Of Death (Jun 19, 2008)

harlan said:


> *shudders* I've heard this before...'church counseling'. Run very far and very fast if she does not agree to counseling with a licensed professional in this field.


I can't agree with this. We all know exactly what the church wants us to do, and that is comply to a model or ideal. Nothing to run from really.
Sean


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## punisher73 (Jun 19, 2008)

I would say if she isn't EXACTLY what you would want in a wife, or has that potential then get out now.  Things will only get worse with time, and she isn't going to change and you aren't going to change.

Dating people with kids is a real challenge and you have to take into account how you get along with their kids and vice versa, but I also think it is very important to get along with HOW they raise their kids (spoken from experience).  If you don't like how she raises her child than get out.  It doesn't mean she's a bad mom or that you know better.  It just means that it will only lead to a lot of hard feelings if you don't agree on that issue.


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## shesulsa (Jun 19, 2008)

Well, I'll speak my piece and then shut up.

1.  Since you are new in this relationship (relatively) you're going to have to understand what the nuances are and special behaviors exhibited by children due to this kind of situation.  It is *highly* unlikely that you will *ever* date a woman with children who will accept you with open arms, no fear, no resentment, no misplaced blame and anger or acting-out behaviors.  To them you are a natural enemy.  If you ever hope to marry a woman with children you hope to form some kind of relationship with, you will have to fight that battle with love, not attitude. And it will test your patience beyond what you think your limits are ... in fact, at least twice beyond that length.

2.  She (the girlfriend) is likely also experiencing a reptilian need to defend and protect her child. She's likely also embarrassed that she didn't do better - that or she doesn't care.  THAT is a conversation for adults.  You will need to decide where you fit in that picture. Frankly, I don't think you have any business being around her daughter until you two decide on the seriousness of the relationship. If you already have, then you need to mutually decide on your role in this child's life.

3.  Both of you need to accept that THIS CHILD IS THREE YEARS OLD.  First her because if the child has unsupervised access to the street, the parent is not doing his/her job.  Second, be prepared to repeat things to children a million times over before they get it. Sometimes the don't get it until after they've arrived in the emergency room. That's life. That's parenting. That's childhood. Get over it.

4.  If you have to question whether you stay or go based on a child and the mother's parenting ability ... then you should go, no question about it.  But if you ever intend to date another woman with children? You have some *serious* thinking to do.


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## zDom (Jun 19, 2008)

Lisa said:


> Run for the hills.  If she is string profanities at you this soon in the relationship, things aren't going to get any better.  Maybe this is mean for me to say but maybe there is a reason that little girl's dad isn't around, maybe he got tired of being treated like that as well.



I second this opinion.

I wish you well, whatever you decide.


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## CoryKS (Jun 19, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> *She broke up with me* in between a string of profanities. Should I stay or should I go?


 
Am I missing something, or has that decision already been made for you?


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## Sukerkin (Jun 19, 2008)

Some very good points made above.  

The deciding factor has to be whether you reckon you can live with this woman, *ToD*.  Apart from that nothing else matters because it subsumes being able to handle all the side-issues and keep the relationship going.

In your heart and mind you have to put aside all the details that can clutter your view on this.  Most particularly when a relationship is new, you have to be able to discount the physical side of things because nothing clouds your judgement quicker or more completely than that.

What can help (oddly enough having just said its what you feel that counts ) is talking it through with your close friends.  I don't mean that you have to take on board what they say in response to you but what *you* say whilst describing things can be very telling.


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## Andy Moynihan (Jun 19, 2008)

Go. Quickly and rapidly. Don't just burn the bridge, ****in' DYNAMITE it, feed the remains through a wood chipper and dissolve all that remains in a vat of acid which must then be buried at the bottom of the ocean.


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## Mr G (Jun 19, 2008)

Run, Forest, Run!


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## MJS (Jun 20, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> I know I should just dump her and be done with it, but My new girlfriend doesn't have any control of her three year old daughter. I yelled for her not to run into the street last night and was in big trouble for yelling. Although we fought about it last night, we again experienced her running off this morning. This time I made no effort to correct the situation and I even pretended none of it was happening. My girlfriend said she could still tell I was upset, and had no right to be so. I said, all I can do is "show" no concern, but she me demands "having" no concern. She broke up with me in between a string of profanities. Should I stay or should I go?
> Sean


 
She most likely yelled at you because she probably feels that you don't have any right to, if this child is not yours.  However, out of concern for the childs well being, I don't blame you for telling her not to run into the road.  I'd have done the same thing.  If she doesn't see this, then shes missing something.  I also get the impression that had you said nothing and something happened, she'd have yelled at you for not attempting to prevent the child from running.

The problem is with her and she needs to accept that.  If she has no control over the kid, she has to ask herself why?  She's obviously doing something wrong, but not admitting to it.  

IMHO, I don't see the counceling working...unless everyone, but mostly your gf, is willing to make it work.  Give it a shot for a while.  But, set a timeframe.  If after a fee weeks or a month things havent changed, head for the hills and don't look back.


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## 14 Kempo (Jun 20, 2008)

Like I always say, "There is usually a reason somebody is single" ... I think she just showed you why she is. If this is a "new" relationship and it started out liek this, then take the advice of those that say run. I also agree with the fact that the decision was made, you state that she broke up with you in-between shouted profanities. If you stay, you place yourself in passive position and it will undoubtedly get worse as she becomes more and more dominant. Relationships need boundaries, and it is my belief that those boundaries should be set early. She is setting them. If you comply, expect more of the same. Good luck!


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## Drac (Jun 20, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> Should I stay or should I go? Sean


 
Been in *ALMOST *the exact situation..*GO NOW!!!* Do not delude yourself as I did into thinking things will improve, they don't...


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 20, 2008)

This sounds WAAAAAAAAAAAAY to familiar and I would answer but I am to busy dealing with the flashbacks your post has caused me from a relationship I had long ago to a woman I *use to be* engaged to&#8230;


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## Rich Parsons (Jun 20, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> I know I should just dump her and be done with it, but My new girlfriend doesn't have any control of her three year old daughter. I yelled for her not to run into the street last night and was in big trouble for yelling. Although we fought about it last night, we again experienced her running off this morning. This time I made no effort to correct the situation and I even pretended none of it was happening. My girlfriend said she could still tell I was upset, and had no right to be so. I said, all I can do is "show" no concern, but she me demands "having" no concern. She broke up with me in between a string of profanities. Should I stay or should I go?
> Sean


 

Sean,

Only you can answer that. 

But given my experience, the situation will only get worse as time goes by. I broke up with one woman because she and her child would not put on a seat belt in my car while I was driving. I told her that while in her car she is responsible, but while I can get a ticket for her and her child in my car they will wear the belt. Besides it being the smart thing. She was mad, on our way to dinner as she had put the belt on her child and her. I asked what was wrong. She just said, I do not like being told what to do. I replied, that is ok neither do I and that is what you told me, by refusing to comply with the law while I was being held responsible. So, I took her back to her place and that was the end of it. 

I wish you luck.


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## Touch Of Death (Jun 20, 2008)

CoryKS said:


> Am I missing something, or has that decision already been made for you?


Oh by the way we break up ALL THE TIME, and at present we are, again, seeing eachother. She is now extra sensitive to her daughter ignoring her, but has taken to abusive behavior in curbing it. My whole point is that if you call the kid on it every time, you won't have emotional outburst resulting in spanks and hair pulls (some mormon lady told her to do that). I am suggesting consistancy --quietly-- thats all I can get away with right now. 
Sean


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## harlan (Jun 20, 2008)

I brought up two perfectly fine children, through the 'terrific two's and three's' and never once had to spank them...much less pull their hair. Not part of my personal philosophy to put hands on any sentient being in an abusive way. Others differ in philosophy.

It's not your job to rear an adult as well as her child. She obviously needs parenting skills and support for whatever issues she has. Barring that, a call to D.S.S.


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## Touch Of Death (Jun 20, 2008)

harlan said:


> I brought up two perfectly fine children, through the 'terrific two's and three's' and never once had to spank them...much less pull their hair. Not part of my personal philosophy to put hands on any sentient being in an abusive way. Others differ in philosophy.
> 
> It's not your job to rear an adult as well as her child. She obviously needs parenting skills and support for whatever issues she has. Barring that, a call to D.S.S.


I'm hopping it can be dealt with before that happens. And yes I am trying to save her.
sean


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## Drac (Jun 20, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> I'm hopping it can be dealt with before that happens. And yes I am trying to save her.
> sean


 
Don't try to be the White Knight riding in on your white stallon to save yon fair maiden..


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## Andy Moynihan (Jun 20, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> I'm hopping it can be dealt with before that happens. And yes I am trying to save her.
> sean


 

Okay, I'm sorry but at this point you are BUYING what happens to you, you know that, don't you?


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## Empty Hands (Jun 20, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> Oh by the way we break up ALL THE TIME, and at present we are, again, seeing eachother.





Touch Of Death said:


> And yes I am trying to save her.



<stereotypical gay man voice> _DRAMA! </_stereotypical gay man voice>

Clearly, you have some sort of pathology that draws you to this sort of behavior and this sort of relationship.  I'm guessing this type of thing isn't new for you.  I'm not trying to be mean, just blunt in an attempt to get through to you.  Because in all likelihood there is no way you will listen, even though we are all telling you how toxic this situation is.  As if this drama and fighting and constant chaos was any sort of benefit to this poor child!  Run, run now, run hard, and never look back.

And before you get involved in another relationship, take a long, hard look at yourself.  Why are you drawn to this sort of chaos?  Why can't you escape it?  Get some therapy, and a lot of reflection time.  Or you will only do it again.  And again.  And again.

Until you get involved with a single mom toxic enough to claim you touch her kid funny when she gets mad enough at you.  Then. You. Are. Done.


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## jfarnsworth (Jun 20, 2008)

Lisa said:


> Run for the hills. If she is string profanities at you this soon in the relationship, things aren't going to get any better. Maybe this is mean for me to say but maybe there is a reason that little girl's dad isn't around, maybe he got tired of being treated like that as well.


 
I agree.


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## Andy Moynihan (Jun 20, 2008)

Empty Hands said:


> <stereotypical gay man voice> _DRAMA! </_stereotypical gay man voice>
> 
> Clearly, you have some sort of pathology that draws you to this sort of behavior and this sort of relationship. I'm guessing this type of thing isn't new for you. I'm not trying to be mean, just blunt in an attempt to get through to you. Because in all likelihood there is no way you will listen, even though we are all telling you how toxic this situation is. As if this drama and fighting and constant chaos was any sort of benefit to this poor child! Run, run now, run hard, and never look back.
> 
> ...


 
Quoted For Truth.


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## Mr G (Jun 20, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> And yes I am trying to save her.
> sean



These relationships suck.  Time, effort, commitment, and any other heartfelt word will not make them better.  

I've wanted to save people too.  I finally realized I cannot save anyone from herself.
    (I can barely save me from myself)

Try to save yourself...


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## Drac (Jun 21, 2008)

Empty Hands said:


> And before you get involved in another relationship, take a long, hard look at yourself. Why are you drawn to this sort of chaos? Why can't you escape it? Get some therapy, and a lot of reflection time. Or you will only do it again. And again. And again.
> 
> Until you get involved with a single mom toxic enough to claim you touch her kid funny when she gets mad enough at you. Then. You. Are. Done.


 
An *EXCELLENT* point..God forbid that during one of her " bad moments" she contacts the local PD and tells them you put your hands on *HER CHILD*...That kind of grief you don't need...


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## jks9199 (Jun 21, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> Oh by the way we break up ALL THE TIME, and at present we are, again, seeing eachother. She is now extra sensitive to her daughter ignoring her, but has taken to abusive behavior in curbing it. My whole point is that if you call the kid on it every time, you won't have emotional outburst resulting in spanks and hair pulls (some mormon lady told her to do that). I am suggesting consistancy --quietly-- thats all I can get away with right now.
> Sean


Doesn't sound like a healthy mother-daughter relationship, and it definitely doesn't sound like a healthy boyfriend/potential stepfather relationship, either.

I'd stay broken up...  But it's your call to make.


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## Touch Of Death (Jun 23, 2008)

Andy Moynihan said:


> Okay, I'm sorry but at this point you are BUYING what happens to you, you know that, don't you?


It is along story about how we met and what events took place to put us together, but yes... I know.
Sean


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## Touch Of Death (Jun 23, 2008)

Drac said:


> An *EXCELLENT* point..God forbid that during one of her " bad moments" she contacts the local PD and tells them you put your hands on *HER CHILD*...That kind of grief you don't need...


Although this is an excellent point and all, this person is not at all like that. I am seriouslously considering the path I have taken, though. 
Sean


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## terryl965 (Jun 23, 2008)

*TD *if you are happy that is the only thing matters.


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## Drac (Jun 23, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> Although this is an excellent point and all, this person is not at all like that. I am seriouslously considering the path I have taken, though.
> Sean


 
Move as the spirit wills you...


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## jks9199 (Jun 23, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> Although this is an excellent point and all, this person is not at all like that. I am seriouslously considering the path I have taken, though.
> Sean


They never are and never would...

Until they do.

You're dealing with a lot heavy situations here, and you indicate that there are problems at the best of times.  You might consider some family/couples counseling -- but my honest advice (take it and $4 and you can get a cup of coffee at Starbucks or whatever overpriced coffee chain you like) is to stay broken up this time.  But only you have the full story and know what's going on...


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## TheOriginalName (Jun 23, 2008)

Firstly - relationships are far to complex to be explained in a forum and far too complex for others to give advice. Sort of sucks but that's the reality.

What i'll say is this: Life is too short to be in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. 

And really, isn't being happy what life is about??

You have options - some are easy, some are harder. But deep down you'll know what the right decision is.


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## shesulsa (Jun 24, 2008)

Touch Of Death said:


> Although this is an excellent point and all, this person is not at all like that. I am seriouslously considering the path I have taken, though.
> Sean


My husband is step-father to my two oldest children and boy could he tell you tales.  Read my post earlier, dude.


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