# The Gift of Fear



## Tgace (Mar 27, 2004)

Here are some of the "threat indicators" listed in Mr. DeBeckers book , they are primarily techniques used by predator type criminals to "set-up" their victims and/or gain compliance...good stuff.

*© Gavin De Becker - The Gift of Fear *

*Forced Teaming *
Forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust because a _we're-in-the-same-boat _attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude. Sharing a predicament, like being stuck in a stalled elevator or arriving simultaneously at a just-closed store, will understandably move people around social boundaries. But forced teaming is not about coincidence; it is intentional and directed, and it is one of the most sophisticated manipulations. The detectable signal of forced teaming is the projection of a shared purpose or experience where none exists: "Both of us"; "We're some team"; "How are we going to handle this?"; "Now we've done it, " etc. 

(for example, ive heard of an abduction-murder case where the victim came out to her car and it wouldnt start...the BG came up to help and after tinkering around under the hood "teamed up" with her under the "car fixing" guise...he then offered a ride to a garage and the rest I wont mention....the kicker is the BG disabled the car while she was in the store before hand)

*Charm and Niceness *
Charm is another overrated ability. Note that I called it an ability, not an inherent feature of one's personality. charm is almost always a directed instrument, which, like rapport building, has motive. To charm as a verb, not a trait. 

*Too Many Details *
When people are telling the truth, they don't feel doubted, so they don't feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When people lie, however, even if that they say sounds credible t you, _it doesn't sound credible to them, _so they keep talking. 

(see this a lot...BG's run off at the mouth constantly when they are trying to get out of trouble...or get you into it.)

*Typecasting *
Typecasting always involves a slight insult, and usually one that is easy to refute. 

A man labels a woman in some slightly critical way, hoping she'll feel compelled to prove that his opinion is not accurate. "You're probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me," a man might say, and the woman will cast off the mantle of "snob" by talking to him. A man tells a woman, "You don't look like someone who reads the newspaper," and she sets out to prove that she is intelligent and well-informed. 

*Loan Sharking *
The more traditional loan shark gladly lends one amount but cruelly collects much more. Likewise, the predatory criminal generously offers assistance but is always calculating the debt. 

("after all Ive gone through, the least you could do is (let me into your apartment...give me a hug...etc")

*The unsolicited promise *
The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals because it is nearly always of questionable motive. Promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees. A guarantee is a promise that offers some compensation if the speaker fails to deliver; he commits to make it all right again if things don't go as he says they would. But promises offer no such collateral. They are the very hollowest instruments of speech, showing nothing more than the speaker's desire to convince you of something. 

(big one here..."Dont worry, Im not going to kill you or anything!", "Let me in, Ill make a phone call and I promise Ill leave right away...Im not a criminal." If it sound like a strange thing to say, your radar should be going off.)

*Discounting the word "No" *
"No" is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. 

In situations in which unsolicited offers of assistance are appropriate, such as approaches by a salesman or flight attendant, it is simply annoying if you have to decline three times. With a stranger, however, refusal to hear no can be an important survival signal, as with a suitor, a friend, a boyfriend, even a husband. 

Declining to hear "no" is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it. 

Now the important thing to keep in mind here, is context. Most of these strategies are used every day by people who make a living in sales... They are also used by guys trying to pick up girls. The context in which one or more of these strategies are used is what you should look for. Your intuition will usually discard some of these strategies if it expects them (sales clerks, politicians, etc.). It's when they are used at inappropriate times that it will send a warning. The defense for all of these strategies boils down to a basic awareness of the situation (there is a thorough examination of the strategies and defenses in 'The Gift of Fear')... Here's a couple of questions to ask yourself: 


Do I need assistance 
Do I feel comfortable with the situation 
Is the approach (or offer) appropriate 
These three questions are essentially you asking your intuition whether or not it thinks this is a safe situation.


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## arnisador (Mar 27, 2004)

I heard so much about this book on this site that I finally bought it, though I haven't had a chance to read it yet. See also (amongst others):
http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4355

The "Forced Teaming" reminds me of a scam I've heard about for resort areas. A couple sitting at a table for dinner and dancing is joined after the dinner by another couple (one is expected to sit with other guests). The new couple asks the first couple if they'd watch her purse while they dance. They do so, then return. After a bit of small-talk, they say "Oh, why don't you dance now! Don't worry--we'll watch your purse for you." Having already been in the other position, the first couple agrees--and when they return, the purse and the other couple is gone. Of course, the scamming couple's purse had nothing of value in it in the first place, just in case.


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## Bill Cogswell (Mar 27, 2004)

Fantastic Book!!!


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## Tgace (Mar 27, 2004)

Hes a little to "anti-gun" for my taste, but the "warning signals" he writes about are gems.


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## Tgace (Mar 27, 2004)

Just some more indicator stuff from various sources Ive come across in LEO training/literature....

Pre-Attack Indicators:

Just before an attack there is usually a sign, if not several, that an assault is imminent. Recognizing these indicators will reduce the chances of a "surprise" attack.

-Raspiness in voice: Stress makes the vocal chords tighten, making the voice raspy. 
-Repeated phrases: When someone is thinking of how to attack you it's difficult for them to be creative 
-Unusual sweating: Sweating on a cold day. Sweat on nose, sides of mouth or (stress sweat) palms. 
-Tightening of jaw/clenching teeth: Pre-fight facial tensions will cause jaw muscle to bulge. 
-Mouth breathing: Taking in air through mouth instead of nose 
-Weight shifting: Attacker will often shift weight in preparation of a "surprise" attack. Usually shift will favor one side. 
-Fist clenching (pumping): When stress causes blood to move away from extremities an assailant will often pump his fists to regain the "normal" feeling in his hands. 
-Shoulders roll forward, chin drops, knees bend: Old animal instincts we retained. These 3 things are usually done together for protection purposes when anticipating a fight. 
-Target glancing: An attacker will often look several times at the area he wants to strike. 
-Reaction hand distraction: An assailant may point to something to distract you so he can strike with his other hand. He may ask you the time so he can strike while you look at your watch. 

Pre-Multiple Indicators:
-Positioning relative to each other: When one person in the group moves, the others set up accordingly. 
-Suspects glance at each other often: They're silently communicating or waiting for the attack signal. 
-Word or word's that don't quite make sense: An attacker may say something that will momentarily confuse you. In that moment of trying to figure out what was said or what was meant the group attacks 
-Unusual body language: An attacker may engage you in conversation then wipe his hair back, remove his hat or tug on his ear as a signal for his wolf pack to attack. 
-Secondary subject distraction: One member of the pack may get you to look at another member of the group so he can strike you.


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## Kembudo-Kai Kempoka (Mar 27, 2004)

Great set of posts, guys. Read a lot of Robert Cialdini and misc. non-verbal stuff many eons back to try to glean this data, and it sounds like this author has put it into one book, with viable application.  Will pick it up this weekend.

Thanks!

Dr. Dave


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## Kembudo-Kai Kempoka (Mar 27, 2004)

arnisador said:
			
		

> I heard so much about this book on this site that I finally bought it, though I haven't had a chance to read it yet. See also (amongst others):
> http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4355
> 
> The "Forced Teaming" reminds me of a scam I've heard about for resort areas. A couple sitting at a table for dinner and dancing is joined after the dinner by another couple (one is expected to sit with other guests). The new couple asks the first couple if they'd watch her purse while they dance. They do so, then return. After a bit of small-talk, they say "Oh, why don't you dance now! Don't worry--we'll watch your purse for you." Having already been in the other position, the first couple agrees--and when they return, the purse and the other couple is gone. Of course, the scamming couple's purse had nothing of value in it in the first place, just in case.


Robert Cialdini is a Social Psych. field researcher who hung out with con men to see what compliance techniques they used. This is an example of what he refers to as the Law of Reciprocity.  Good book: "Influence".  There are 2 versions, one for college students and one for the public. Get the smaller, college version...has more research and better application for this context.

D.


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## Phil Elmore (Mar 28, 2004)

_The Gift of Fear_ is a very good book. DeBecker isn't just "a little anti-gun," though -- he's a rabid hoplophobe of the highest order.  This is understandable, given the gun-related trauma he describes experiencing as a child, but it doesn't change the fact that he tries to arm individuals for self-defense with one hand while attempting to disarm them for self-defense with the other.


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## arnisador (Mar 28, 2004)

Do you mean by "hoplophobe" to say that he's against all use of weapons, not just guns?


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## Tgace (Mar 31, 2004)

Heres some more stuff....

According to Men, Women, and Aggression by Anne Campbell (New York: BasicBooks, 1993), assaults escalate from verbal to physical violence. They start with a disagreement followed by a demand for apology, compliance, or absence. When none of these happen satisfactorily there is a threat, a counter threat, and finally physical violence. While in theory this pattern can be interrupted, in practice it is difficult to detect or stop by those actually involved. These assaults are not the fault of the person being assaulted. However, if you can see what is happening, leave, even if it means fleeing your own home. But even strangers can give valuable signs as to their state of mind and intentions, which can give you time to prepare or flee. These signs include:
 Deceitful speech: People with no ulterior
motive  particularly people you dont know
 dont usually say things like trust me or
I promise, throw in unnecessary detail to
take your mind off real issues, nor attempt to
quickly create the impression of a relationship.
 Increasing level of agitation: This indicates
that the individual is becoming more irratio-nal,
aggressive, and volatile.
 Excessive emotional attention toward you:
This indicates that you are the primary focus.
 Conspicuously ignores you: This indicates that
you might be being set up for a sucker punch.
 Exaggerated movements (such as pacing back
and forth, finger pointing, belligerent verbal
dialogue): These indicate that this individual is
losing rational control.
 Facial color changes to flushed: This indicates
that there is a great change in the bodys
internal and emotional functioning. (A flushed
face may be the bodys primitive way of
making itself look scarier.)
 Ceasing all movement: If the individual goes
from moving and talking with anxious inten-sity
to stopping all movement and talking, it
may be the calm before the storm.
 Changes from total lack of cooperation to
total cooperation: This may indicate that you
are being set up for an attack.

Pre-attack cues are even clearer signs of imminent danger. Some of these are:

 Shifting one foot in back of the other, often to
a boxers stance, so the body is more stable
and can move toward you more easily.
 Clenching the fists, to prepare for attack by
lubricating the finger joints, and to keep
under control.
 Shifting the shoulders back, a primitive body
sign designed to give you the message that the
individual means business, as well as provid-ing
a certain amount of protection, or as
preparation for striking you.
 Looking for a weapon to attack with or at a
specific area on your body. (This is called a
target glance.)
 Conspicuously looking elsewhere while talk-ing
with you. (The individual may be trying to
distract you prior to a surprise attack, or
checking out a post-attack escape route.)
 Depersonalizing you, which may show as a
thousand-yard stare. (A good example of this
can be seen in the movie The Silence of the
Lambs, when Anthony Hopkins looks at Jody
Foster as if she werent even there.) The sub-ject
might be depersonalizing you so that he or
she is attacking a thing rather than a person.
 Hiding or averting the face. (Sometimes
people who are on the verge of losing control
of themselves perform a facial wipe, by which
they attempt to hide the level of anxiety
theyre experiencing by physically moving
their hands over their faces. This may show up
as removing a hat, slicking back the hair, or
something equally innocuous.)
 Bobbing up and down or rocking back and
forth on the balls of the feet. (As people get
more upset, these movements act as a means
of diffusing the adrenalin and anxiety.)
 Growling. (At the peak of their fear or anger,
some people growl before they attack.)
 Lowering the body slightly, causing the head to
lower, just before moving in for the attack.
(This can be quite significant, as it is impossible
to move your legs apart without a simultaneous
downward shift of the body. Interestingly, even
cars sink somewhat before accelerating,
although for different mechanical reasons.)
 Facial coloring changing from flushed to pale.
(Blood moves from the extremities to the
internal organs, to protect in case of injury.)
 Verbalization stops before an assault begins.

Be aware of and look for these feelings, signs, and cues, as they are clear signs of danger. When you see them, you should try to calm this person down, to create safe distance between you, or to place a solid object between you.


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## loki09789 (Apr 7, 2004)

sort of a philosophical bent on this topic of the gift of fear, but I thought within a Martial artist community, the merging of practicallity and ideology would be a more common practice than with the general community:

"Remember that all catastrophic expectations are self-fulfilled prophecies brought on by the fear itself...Like a red light on the dashboard of your car, it [fear] warns you of impending danger."

On a practical application level, understanding this predatory behavior is very important.  But, I think it is very important to remember that, as instructors, this knowledge and information needs to be presented as tools for building confidence and confronting personal fears because students are being armed with information.  New students to realistic, wholistic self defense training will experience some anxiety when this type of information is presented.  They will be exposed to things they may not have put much thought into and it will create a fear response.  THe process that we use to help guide students through this anxiety to confidence swing is very important.

Please don't take this as lecturing that a percieved 'you' is using scare tactics, but just a comment on how this info could be a positive part of a good self defense based program.

I guess the question is, using this data, how would you incorporate it and when?  Me, I would set up scenarios that would be based on these types of behaviors with the goal of training students to recognize the behavior more than 'succeeding' in the scenario.


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## Cthulhu (Apr 7, 2004)

Very good book.  My library had a copy, but I plan on getting my own one day.  Lots of useful information in there.  I'm surprised you haven't read it yet, arnisador.

Cthulhu


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## someguy (Apr 8, 2004)

Intresting stuff


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## arnisador (Apr 8, 2004)

Cthulhu said:
			
		

> Very good book. My library had a copy, but I plan on getting my own one day. Lots of useful information in there. I'm surprised you haven't read it yet, arnisador.


I need more free time!


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