# Anger can you control it?



## still learning (Sep 21, 2007)

Hello, Many times you see sitution turn ugly because of someone getting anger or mad.

Anger is a learn response most of us had come into from our parents,peers, and role models.

How did you learn to control your "Anger" response?  or how did you learn to keep a "cool headed".  Was it from a special role model?

When I was a 5th grader, many of the kids would tease me because Koreans are hot header, that was a common way to think in those days, and I would get angry/mad at them.  I am part Korean, part Japanese.

I made a decison NOT to get angry or mad when ever something went wrong.  It took many years to control this anger ...sometimes learning from mistakes and situtions that got worst instead of better.

As an adult the anger management got under better control (not always).

When my kids were born...this is when it really got under control...I did not want them to learn to be angry or mad when something happens or broke or situtions cause by someone else.

Today I notice when things happen and people see me NOT anger but similing and saying how can we solve this or that is OK it can be replace...and so on.  It was easier to settle the problems.

How about you?


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## newGuy12 (Sep 21, 2007)

Good topic!  I have subscribed to it.

One thing that seemed to be useful to me was when I was doing yoga poses in the morning.  Just the asanas.  They are no good for fighting, though they do give range of motion.  

I do not know why that I would seem to have a calmer day when I did the yoga poses in the morning, but I did.  I do not care why it works, I only care that it does work.

I should resume that practice.  I must not be too lazy to get up earlier to spend that time.

Again, good thread, Sir!




Robert


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## MA-Caver (Sep 22, 2007)

One thing to remember is that Anger is an emotion. Just like love, hate, peaceful, fear, joy, sadness and so on. We're born with it. It's part of our makeup and who we are as individual human beings. How we control it marks our level of intelligence and self-will. 
We always, _always_ choose how we feel over something. The choice can be made instantaneously or after much thought or, somewhere in between. Likewise we can choose to stop being angry over something/someone though sometimes it takes a while longer to revert from one emotion to the next. 
We can practice learning to postpone choosing how we feel or choosing to control the amount of the (chosen) feeling. 
Some people talk about getting angry over a bunch of little things. Mad about someone cutting them off in traffic, mad about some rude waiter at the resturant, mad about a snide remark from a co-worker, mad about the extra work given just before going home, mad about being stuck in rush-hour, mad about the line at the store, and so on. Those are little things and we can choose to hold on to the mad abouts or let them all go as soon as they're done or more dangerously choose to lump them all together to one great big MAD and taking it out on the poor sap that (unknowingly) tosses another piece of straw on your (mad) camel's back. 
It still boils down to choice. You can choose to get all mad, fired up and raging which is a lot of energy produced by the body or take that built up energy and rechannel it to something else, or choose to NOT feel it (very possible... not easy but possible) and do something positive. 

What-ever and how-ever you choose to deal with anger is up to you. Life is full of choices, it's up to you. It always has been, it always will be. 

oh, never, NEVER let anyone say "you made me feel this way..." you can't force anyone to feel anything... they, like you, choose to. Likewise don't use that excuse to anyone else.


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## Big Don (Sep 22, 2007)

The best I can do is supress anger.


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## Touch Of Death (Sep 22, 2007)

Big Don said:


> The best I can do is supress anger.


Aren't there times when you want the opposite?
Sean


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## Kennedy_Shogen_Ryu (Sep 22, 2007)

My Aikido instructor told me a story that has always stuck by me.

He was bouncing in a bar and one night he was in the bathroom when some guy walked up to him and said "if you don't give me your wallet I'm going to beat the *insert expletive here* out of you.  His initial thought, I'd really like to show this guy who he's messing with.  What did he do?  He said to the guy, "I can appreciate the fact that you are a little short on money right now, tell you what tell me how much you want to borrow and I'll collect from you next time I see you here".  Guy got so confused as to who was in charge of the situation that he just turned around and left.

Now he could have gone with his first instinct which was to get angry with the guy and put him in his place, but really, where would that have gotten him?  Instead he used the calm and control that he had learned through martial arts and instead defused and took control of the situation.

If you ask me, anger is one of the hardest emotions to keep control of and once you've lost it, it's hard to get it back, and hard to control a situation.

I agree with what Bruce Lee said, just be like water and keep on flowin'!


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## Big Don (Sep 22, 2007)

Touch Of Death said:


> Aren't there times when you want the opposite?
> Sean


 Not at all. No one thinks clearly when they are enraged. The quickest way to out smart someone, in any situation, is to piss them off.


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## Gordon Nore (Sep 22, 2007)

The one thing I try not to do when I'm angry is to make a decision. Anger's a fact of life IMO. Choices made in anger can backfire.

This is a point that I'm constantly harping on with elementary and middle schoolers. I tell them that it is perfectly normal to be angry at someone else. It is normal to want to kick someone in the ****; however, all actions have consequences. If possible I prefer to deal with a situation when I'm not angry anymore rather than trying to trick myself into thinking that my anger is under control.


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## theletch1 (Sep 22, 2007)

I'll let my sig line speak for me.

One of the things that we do in aikido is redirect energy.  That doesn't have to stop with physical energy, it can extend to the emotional as well.  I've had a few situations (during my divorce) where I was able to "redirect" my ex-wifes emotions away from a topic or thought pattern that would have made things more difficult.  You can't think clearly when you're angry, as Big Don so aptly pointed out, so being able to stop a fight before it gets physical is rarely possible if you don't control your anger.  

To be honest with you I have always felt that anger and ego went hand in hand.  I was taught humility from childhood on and never really had a problem controlling anger.  I never allowed myself to be walked on, mind you, but never allowed ego to take control of my thought process.


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## Gordon Nore (Sep 22, 2007)

theletch1 said:


> To be honest with you I have always felt that anger and ego went hand in hand.



I've never heard it put so well. I'm going to adopt that observation.


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## tellner (Sep 22, 2007)

Anger is a physiological state, a biochemical phenomenon. You can induce it directly by messing with hormone levels. In fact, I made a few bucks years ago being a research subject for just that.

With some discipline and awareness you can often head off anger before it gets rolling. And you can function when you are angry. But getting rid of it? I wouldn't. There are times when it is perfectly appropriate. When it is it gives you an edge which shouldn't lightly be thrown away. There are fights I should have lost, but I was ticked off and damned if I was going to lose to that so-and-so. The key is to make sure the higher faculties are in the driver's seat, not the pure emotion.


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## still learning (Sep 22, 2007)

Hello, Have you notice when people are smiling instead of being anger in situtions....it is easier to solve.

A positive behavior or an anger behavior are choices everyone can choose!  

Our emotions are learn from our parents and role models, and we can change the bad ones!  by following those with good behavior!

True story :  Two older couple standing in line for a show, someone bumb someone, and the two older gentleman got angry at each other,few word were exchange and one guy push the other guy, who fell hit his head on the brick wall and die!

One was bury and other charge for manslaughter......Angry /as one said "EGO's got in the way of a sitution that could have end as friendships!

Push: a martial art technique, pushing someone down is better than pushng someone up?  (noteull is the opposite of push)...pulling sometimes is better than pushing.

Aloha (gotta push my car? ....no start!)...you pull and I push...ok same time!


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## still learning (Sep 22, 2007)

tellner said:


> Anger is a physiological state, a biochemical phenomenon. You can induce it directly by messing with hormone levels. In fact, I made a few bucks years ago being a research subject for just that.
> 
> With some discipline and awareness you can often head off anger before it gets rolling. And you can function when you are angry. But getting rid of it? I wouldn't. There are times when it is perfectly appropriate. When it is it gives you an edge which shouldn't lightly be thrown away. There are fights I should have lost, but I was ticked off and damned if I was going to lose to that so-and-so. The key is to make sure the higher faculties are in the driver's seat, not the pure emotion.


 
Hello, Good point...to use it appropriately?   and maintain control of it to inspire more aggression!  "Don't forget to smile when getting punch!"

Aloha,


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## Adept (Sep 23, 2007)

MA-Caver said:


> We always, _always_ choose how we feel over something.



Well, yes and no.

Our brains process the stimuli are passed to them, by our nerves, from our sensory organs, and tabulate a result. That process can accurately be called a 'choice.'

However it is incorrect to assume that the brain could have, free from influence of stimuli, chosen freely how to react. No more than a dice can freely choose which face to show after it rolls.

The best we can do is ignore all the 'freedom to choose' stuff, try really hard not to think about things like how the laws of physics apply to the human brain and the resulting deterministic conclusions, and try our hardest to be in control of ourselves.



Big Don said:


> Not at all. No one thinks clearly when they are enraged. The quickest way to out smart someone, in any situation, is to piss them off.



Again, yes and no. Someone who is enraged is often out of control. Which can be a good thing if you can then take advantage of that, but in the 'real world' that is often not the case.

As martial artists we often say that speed, commitment to action and pre-emptive aggression are incredibly useful tools. A poorly executed technique to a non-ideal target still stands a good chance of succeeding if it is executed swiftly, with commitment to the action, and before the other guy sees it coming. Someone who is enraged will almost always have those three items in their favour, and in the real world, will possibly have things like size, strength, stamina, skill and numbers in their favour as well.

It can work well in the ring, making a fighter forget his tactics, over-extend, exhaust himself, commit to a predictable action, or so on, but in real life it is a much riskier tactic that is less likely to pay off.


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## Adept (Sep 23, 2007)

Personally, I've had a bit of an anger management problem in the past, and it's been quite expensive. I've put numerous holes in walls, broken wind-shields, smashed many a household item, and most of my front teeth are chipped and worn from unconsciously gritting my teeth far, far too hard.

I've learned to (mostly) control it by becoming aware of my warning signs. When my fists clench, my head cocks and my jaw sets, I know that my buttons are being pushed and I can make a conscious attempt to calm myself down. Or not, as the situation warrants!


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## still learning (Sep 23, 2007)

Hello, Anger is a learn response!

As children growing up....when kids do something parents do not like?  They get anger at us....(parents are out role models)

If parents use a more positive approach, with smiling and saying OK How can we make this better?  or at least in a happy way.  We would learn NOT to get angry. Everytime something goes wrong.

Anger?   is learn and can be control.  It took years to learn this from our parents and role models....like all habits it can be change.

Hanging out with people who gets "angry" real fast is NOT FUN TO BE WITH.  Because there is more than one way to handle situtions.

Some people think it is OK to be angry?   They must have alot of it in there stomachs?   Wonder where they got them?

Aloha .......(left mines on the bench at the beach....I think someone took some of my "angrys" with them.)


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## qwksilver61 (Sep 23, 2007)

Just a couple of things I've learned along life's road;
1)don't argue with a woman,you will never win (even if you think you have won,it will probably come back and bite you in another way)
2)if you are going to say something you will regret(hurtful) STOP, re-evaluate;will this cause emotional trauma to the other person and cause them to resent you?
3)walk away if you can,sometimes we let our ego get the best of us
4)forgiveness is truly divine (depends on your core moral beliefs)be the better man,no matter what,and people will respect that.
all of this is a lot easier said than done,discipline not withheld
I tell my training partner the same thing that was told to me;get rid of the tension (he HAD anger issues) it will only defeat you and you will fail at Wing Tsun,flow, be cool,precise and deliberate.
5) my favorite;COOL HEADS PREVAIL!
hope this helps.........Qwk61


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## jks9199 (Sep 23, 2007)

Adept said:


> Personally, I've had a bit of an anger management problem in the past, and it's been quite expensive. I've put numerous holes in walls, broken wind-shields, smashed many a household item, and most of my front teeth are chipped and worn from unconsciously gritting my teeth far, far too hard.
> 
> I've learned to (mostly) control it by becoming aware of my warning signs. When my fists clench, my head cocks and my jaw sets, I know that my buttons are being pushed and I can make a conscious attempt to calm myself down. Or not, as the situation warrants!


I know where you're coming from.

In fact, I acquired the useful skill of drywall repair as a practical need in high school.

But I also have learned to (generally) keep my temper in reign, or at least control where and when I express it.  Doing so is a bit of a professional necessity...

I have learned that I do need to express it somewhere, or it just winds up and builds a "background tension" that ends up coming out in seriously overreacting somewhere that I can do so.  Which means that I've sometimes slipped a few minutes on a heavy bag, or pulled over somewhere that I can rant for several minutes in safety rather than react directly to the provocation.  I talso helps to be able to analyze the source...  I don't let ********s punch my buttons.


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## Kacey (Sep 23, 2007)

still learning said:


> Hello, Anger is a learn response!



I disagree.  How you _respond_ to anger is a learned response - but the anger itself, like any other emotion, comes from physiological, biochemical responses to events.

Do I get angry at events?  Certainly.  But as an adult, and a martial artist, I have learned to _control_ my response to situations that anger me.  

Can that type of response be learned through parental modeling?  Yes, it can, just as lack of control of anger (or any other emotion) can be learned through parental modeling - and so can the control of any emotion.  Such control, or lack thereof, can also be learned from others in society - thus the stories about youngsters from "troubled" backgrounds who succeed because of an adult who mentors them, and provides an alternative example.

From Remo Williams:


> Chiun: "Fear is nothing more than a feeling. You feel hot, you feel hungry, you feel angry, you feel afraid. Fear can never kill you."



Feelings are visceral, physical responses - it is how you react to those responses that is important; we are not Vulcans, to suppress our feelings - rather, we channel them and control how we express them.


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## Big Don (Sep 23, 2007)

Kacey said:


> From Remo Williams:


I watched that movie in the theater with two friends, 3 hours later, we couldn't remember any of it... not the sign of a good flick.


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## jks9199 (Sep 23, 2007)

Big Don said:


> I watched that movie in the theater with two friends, 3 hours later, we couldn't remember any of it... not the sign of a good flick.


The movie *Remo Williams:The Adventure Begins* wasn't great... but it wasn't terrible.  It kept a decent amount of the feel of the book series that inspired it...

The Destroyer book series was great, for many years.  I think it went pretty far downhill in the mid to late 90s... but that's just my opinion.  It was "thinking men's adventure" writing.

And Chiun has some great lines throughout!


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## still learning (Sep 24, 2007)

Hello, Anger is a learn response!

Have you met people who never gets angry over things like a fender bender?
If "angry" is a natural response?  How come some people do not get angry and some do?

If it is natural for everyone to get mad?  Then why is it some do and others don't?   SIMPLE:  We learn to respond from our past experiences growing up!

Look at those who gets "angry" real easy!  and others you cannot get them angry?

Being angry and being happy are natural emotions.....very true....Each of us can choose which one we want!

If you except the fact :angry is a natural response and cannot be choosen?  The whole world would be in  trouble!  You would be a emotional wreck. 

In life many things happen to us (that we do not like)....getting angry at each one is not a good thing.  So we learn to let alot things NOT to get us angry!  Something you learn.....

Aloha (smile)


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## still learning (Sep 24, 2007)

Hello, Example: In tournaments you see people sparring and accidental get hit very hard.

Sometimes you will see someone get mad/angry and start to let there emotions get to them. ANGER/RAGE...when hit by accident!

Others just brush it off?  Why?  is it natural to get ANGER  or they choose to be anger?  and for those who choose to smile?  should they get angey instead?  learned? or natural?

Aloha


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## Kacey (Sep 24, 2007)

still learning said:


> Hello, Example: In tournaments you see people sparring and accidental get hit very hard.
> 
> Sometimes you will see someone get mad/angry and start to let there emotions get to them. ANGER/RAGE...when hit by accident!
> 
> ...



Anger is an emotional response - like love, hate, joy, loathing, etc.  One can learn to control anger, just like one can learn to control any other emotion - that doesn't mean you learn to not feel anger, but that you can choose how you respond to what you feel - the same way a person can feel attraction, or even love, for a person who is unavailable (e.g., attraction/crush for a person who is married); you can choose to not respond to that attraction.

Likewise, when someone hits me in a tournament or any other sparring session, I may or may not get angry, depending on the circumstances (how hard I was hit, the skill of the person hitting me, etc.) - but I do not let that anger, if I feel it, affect how I react, because getting angry is the worst thing one can do in a sparring match, or, even more, in a fight - because anger causes one to react without thinking, and that's very dangerous.

As to _why_ people respond differently in similar situations - we are all _individuals_, and we respond based on our individual personalities and experiences.  We are the sum of our past experiences, training and genetics, and therefore, we will all respond differently in the same situation - even identical twins will demonstrate different responses as they get older and begin to have separate experiences.  

There are too many variables to say precisely why a particular person does, or does not, react a certain way - but I do think that having a positive role model, someone who controls their anger instead of letting it control him/her, is what many people need to learn to do the same thing themselves.  Sometimes a single good example is all it takes, and sometimes that's not enough, depending on the person's background.  There is no simple, clear, direct answer to why some people can control their anger easily, some control their anger with difficulty, and some let their anger control them - especially as an individual's ability to control anger will often vary with the situation.


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## SKB (Sep 24, 2007)

Ok really anger is the same as love. I know some one is going to scream and say it is not but really it is! Have you ever known someone who crys at the drop of a hat? I've known people who are very quick to cry and get emontional about everything. Once you realize this you can control anger just as you can control fear or any other emotion. Anger can be used as a tool in your training or in a bad situation. Anger can allow you to do things you might not do normally.


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## Kennedy_Shogen_Ryu (Sep 24, 2007)

Personally SKB I think you're right on the ball!  You can't control love, (as you said I'm sure someone will yell at me for this) face it you can't say I'll choose to love this person or that person, or I just all of a sudden don't love this person anymore.  Anger is the same thing, you can't control whether or not you'll get angry, the only thing you can really control is how you direct that anger, how you respond to a situation.  Whether you'll be enveloped by your anger and let it control you or whether you'll use the momentum of anger and take control of a situation.


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## Touch Of Death (Sep 24, 2007)

Big Don said:


> Not at all. No one thinks clearly when they are enraged. The quickest way to out smart someone, in any situation, is to piss them off.


Unless that gets you killed.
Sean


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## still learning (Sep 24, 2007)

Hello, Martial art is a self-discipline,  some people can control this...others cannot make themselve to work towards the physcial training involve and give up!  (NO self-discipline) there bodies say NO and when the mind is weaker...they find themselves hopefully loss to earn a black belt.

Anger: is a discipline in us....some can control it others believe they cannot!

Like self-discipline.  Soldiers in war?  Do not have to be angry to shoot someone. When there is anger?  ...they will make more mistakes?

Can the soldiers learn to control Anger? ....sure everyone can!

If you get anger real fast? or angry more often for for every little thing that happens to you?  You had learn this behavior from a role model.

To believe anger is uncontrolable?  Than you will never be able to "control your anger?  and your beliefs is Anger a natural response and cannot be help?

Your choice to choose?  ...........Aloha


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## thardey (Sep 24, 2007)

SKB said:


> Ok really anger is the same as love. I know some one is going to scream and say it is not but really it is! Have you ever known someone who crys at the drop of a hat? I've known people who are very quick to cry and get emontional about everything. Once you realize this you can control anger just as you can control fear or any other emotion. Anger can be used as a tool in your training or in a bad situation. Anger can allow you to do things you might not do normally.



I think you're on the right track -- not only is anger like love (not the true, decision-type love, but the emotional love) in that it comes and goes, but often anger is related to the fear of losing what we love.

Anger and hate are not the opposite of love - apathy is. Usually, the more we love something, the easier we are angered when something threatens it. The question then becomes, what do you love?

Someone mentioned that ego and anger are related -- for those who need to protect their ego, what are they in love with the most? Their reputation? 

Many people "calm down" after they get married, or have kids - I think that they learn to love their families more than their own egos.

I am not an angry person - people know that I have a long fuse. But if someone threatens my family, I will be furious in a heartbeat, because I love them. I don't particularly like my pride, so if it is threatened, then so be it - it can use a good beatdown every once in a while.

So, I guess to control anger, develop healthy love.


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## newGuy12 (Sep 24, 2007)

I just got back from class, and had a bite to eat.  Life is good.  Its interesting as I read this, I *honestly* believe that I am too tired to get mad at anyone.  If someone were to come up to me right now and start talking the worse trash possible, they could not get me mad.  I'm totally out of gas.

If someone said, "Stick em up, Sissy, I'm taking your wallet", I'd have to comply.

But the push-ups increased to 12.  Progress.  And the other new student, a woman who is less massive than I, she can  displace my center, just enough.  

Displace the center just enough, not too much.  The uke should not know that they are off balance, or, they will recover.  I have received excellent instruction tonight.  Life is too short to concentrate on the negative things, isn't it?  I hope those "negative vampires" stay clear of me, of all of us.  There are good people, in the schools.  Good times.  I wish I could feel so mellow all the time, I would be one smooth dude!

:ultracool

whew!


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## Touch Of Death (Sep 25, 2007)

newGuy12 said:


> I just got back from class, and had a bite to eat. Life is good. Its interesting as I read this, I *honestly* believe that I am too tired to get mad at anyone. If someone were to come up to me right now and start talking the worse trash possible, they could not get me mad. I'm totally out of gas.
> 
> If someone said, "Stick em up, Sissy, I'm taking your wallet", I'd have to comply.
> 
> ...


Smooth Dudes make me so mad! LOL


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## bmcgonag (Sep 29, 2007)

The question a number of you seem to be answering is whether or not we feel anger, and the question that was posed was can we control our anger.  

We all feel anger, of course.  Can we control, yes.  It is an emotion, and emotions are within our control, just as are the movements of our limbs, the rate of our heart beat, etc.  Sure there are those out there with very special disease that causes a disability in any of these areas, as there are people who's control over their emotions may not be as useful, or as easy to access, but for the vast majority control is absolutely within reach.  

Allow me to use myself as an example.  I have some of the worst road rage.  I hate stupid people behind the wheel.  Now, I could get out and pummel them into the asphalt, but I don't.  This wouldn't solve anything.  I feel the urge, however to vent my frustration, and in the comfort of my vehicle, with the windows up, I've let a few choice words go flying as these morons infract all that is intelligent and courteous.  

It's a matter of knowing that you can control it with your mind, and vent it in ways that won't affect others, and then, get over it.  

I also go lift weights, do my martial arts, run, meditate, and so on.  

Never doubt that you will have anger, but always know that simply in asking the question, "Can I control my anger?", you have shown that you have the ability to control it.

Best, 

Brian


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## samurai69 (Oct 2, 2007)

I tend to be ble to control it, but there are one or two silly things that set me off, where control is nearly impossible (SOMEONE WAGGING A FINGER IN FRONT OF ME - often makes me see red, even friends and family) but i think these were things that stemmed from things in the past. But in general i can control my anger


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## Em MacIntosh (Oct 2, 2007)

To feel one's own anger and then fear it is the epidomy of ineptitude.  Better to use it constructively.  Don't confuse anger with frustration.  Frustration locks you up.


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## thardey (Oct 2, 2007)

Em MacIntosh said:


> To feel one's own anger and then fear it is the epidomy of ineptitude.  Better to use it constructively.  Don't confuse anger with frustration.  Frustration locks you up.



That's a very good point --

Anger is to frustration what Scared is to Fear.

Being angry and being scared can be used in constructive, powerful ways -- they can alert you to the seriousness of your situation, and trigger the various chemicals in your body that help you deal with it.

Being frustrated, or being afraid tends to lock you up, so that you _can't_ deal with the situation, you just stand there like a deer in the headlights, or you lose control and start doing stupid things- _anything_, so long as you have something to do, even though it makes your situation worse.


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## MAFHonolulu (Oct 2, 2007)

Very interesting! Most people here are right on.  Anger is basically a negative version of extreme emotion.  It can usually be channeled into positive energy if one has had practice.  Upbringing makes a huge difference in your ability to control/utilize anger properly.  One of the toughest things to learn in controlling anger, I've found, is patience.  Do I have the patience to wait the ten seconds before I respond to something upsetting?  Of course, there's the rare case where the chemical waves in the brain are so extreme that they become unbearable/uncontrollable for the individual, but someone who doesn't suffer from such a neuro-psychological disorder can indeed learn to control anger.


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## still learning (Oct 2, 2007)

samurai69 said:


> I tend to be ble to control it, but there are one or two silly things that set me off, where control is nearly impossible (SOMEONE WAGGING A FINGER IN FRONT OF ME - often makes me see red, even friends and family) but i think these were things that stemmed from things in the past. But in general i can control my anger


 
Hello,  It is amazing the reactions you get from ONE FINGER!

If you react and become angry or mad.....they won by getting you upset...."YOU LOST TO THEM"....because they were trying to get the better of you!

"TO WIN" is to NOT let it bother you....just smile...and go on your merry way.

But when shown two fingers?   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!  joking here!

The only time one needs to react is when you see a couple of knuckles coming your way....or the finger coming into your eyesights!

In the old Hawaiian days...eating POI....was done with two fingers...just dip and lick.... ( Poi...good eating stuffs) made from the Taro Plant.

Aloha (let the finger do the walking-YELLOW PAGES).

PS: If shown the finger?  and you get angry or mad? ......YOU LOST THE GAME!


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