# Bad Joke thread.



## bydand

I thought there was a thread already with bad jokes, but tried a search and it didn't turn up.  So here is a place to post those groaners that are bad, but still hold a shred of comedy, or are just so darn bad you *have *to share.

I'll start with one my dear wife drug home today.

Why don't people like to play with Tigger?


















Because he is always messing with Poo.

(I warned you it was bad, you chose to read this far, don't blame me!)


----------



## bydand

One last one for today.

What does Winnie the Poo and Alexander the Great have in common?



The both have *THE* same middle name.



(Once again, you continued to read to the bottom.)  Kind of like a train wreck isn't it.  Horrible, but riveting at the same time.  I look forward to others unfortunately.


----------



## Kreth

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?




"They're right, we do taste like chicken!"


----------



## theletch1

Did you hear about the new bartender's manual for folks who have trouble reading?  

It's called Hooked on Tonics.


----------



## Big Don

How do you know policemen are strong?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Because they can hold up traffic


----------



## Big Don

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."


----------



## Big Don

bydand said:


> I thought there was a thread already with bad jokes, but tried a search and it didn't turn up.  So here is a place to post those groaners that are bad, but still hold a shred of comedy, or are just so darn bad you *have *to share.
> 
> 
> (I warned you it was bad, you chose to read this far, don't blame me!)


You really shouldn't encourage this type of thing...


----------



## Big Don

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.


----------



## bydand

Big Don said:


> You really shouldn't encourage this type of thing...



And yet all of you jumped in with both feet.  Thanks for these, I'll pass some of the on the my sons.  Being in grade school they will think they are the funniest. Have to admit I got a good chuckle out of them so far as well. 

 Kreth, that's just wrong!, which reminds me, when 2 lesbians go to get married, they don't go to the courthouse to pick up a marriage license, they have to get a liquor license.


----------



## theletch1

What do you give an elephant with diarhea?
Lot's of room!

How do you stop an elephant from stampeding?
You cut off his stampeder.


----------



## Touch Of Death

theletch1 said:


> Did you hear about the new bartender's manual for folks who have trouble reading?
> 
> It's called Hooked on Tonics.


Oh yeah. Did you know that Charlse Dickens suffered from terrible writers block until he asked his bartender for a martini. The Bartender asked....



















Olive 'r twist?:uhyeah:


----------



## Touch Of Death

bydand said:


> And yet all of you jumped in with both feet. Thanks for these, I'll pass some of the on the my sons. Being in grade school they will think they are the funniest. Have to admit I got a good chuckle out of them so far as well.
> 
> Kreth, that's just wrong!, which reminds me, when 2 lesbians go to get married, they don't go to the courthouse to pick up a marriage license, they have to get a liquor license.


Thats lisence.
sean


----------



## kalikg

Mrs. Bigger had a baby; who was bigger?  Mrs. Bigger or the baby?






The baby was a little bigger!!!!

I know, I know...I'm sorry.


----------



## MBuzzy

What does a fish say when he runs into concrete??





DAM!!!!  Hahahahaha....wow, still funny after all this time.


----------



## thardey

Why did the elephant paint himself green and hide in the grass?




















To trip ants


----------



## thardey

Why did the elephant paint himself yellow and climb the tree?



















To ride the leaves down in the fall


----------



## thardey

Why did the elephant paint himself red and climb the cherry tree?























To hide from the poachers.


----------



## thardey

Ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?





















Works pretty good, doesn't it?


----------



## thardey

Did you hear the one about how Tarzan died?




















Pickin' Cherries!

:roflmao:


----------



## Touch Of Death

thardey said:


> Why did the elephant paint himself red and climb the cherry tree?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> To hide from the poachers.


I'm just not getting these elephant jokes.
Sean


----------



## theletch1

Touch Of Death said:


> I'm just not getting these elephant jokes.
> Sean


Well, they can get kinda heavy, man!  Far out.


----------



## Kreth

Little girl to little boy: "Can I touch yours?"
Little boy to little girl: "Hell no! You broke yours off!"


----------



## Touch Of Death

Kreth said:


> Little girl to little boy: "Can I touch yours?"
> Little boy to little girl: "Hell no! You broke yours off!"


Then she runs home crying to her mom about how she doesn't have one and her mother says, "Don't worry; when you're older you can have as many as you want."


----------



## Kreth

A priest, a rabbi, and George Bush walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


----------



## thardey

Touch Of Death said:


> I'm just not getting these elephant jokes.
> Sean



That's because _they are really bad!_

In fact, they are so bad, I can't even explain them.


----------



## Big Don

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?


















Walk him and pitch to the rhino


----------



## Lynne

Since the kids are in grade school:

What's the biggest pen in the world?  Pennsylvania

Young ones find that amusing.  Honest.


----------



## Lynne

Depending on their ages and if you think it's appropriate, they can try saying this rhyme.  The key is to say it very fast.  I'm sure they will die laughing for years.  My nephews thought it was hilarious.  Boys!

One smart fella and he felt smart
Two smart fellas and they felt smart
Three smart fellas and they all felt smart.

If you are from the south, it makes more sense to say "feller."

Oh, if you can't figure it out, trying saying it aloud fast 

Don't tell your wife that some lady at Martial Arts planted this one.


----------



## Kennedy_Shogen_Ryu

This honestly has to be one of the worst jokes ever as told to me by my manager at work.....


What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?









Hey, Where's my tractor!?

Terrible I know!​


----------



## lulflo

Two cannibals were eating a clown, one said to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"


Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

To hide in cherry trees...


Why are elephant's feet flat?

From jumping out of cherry trees of course.


What do you call the dirt between elephant's toes?

Slow natives.


Two fish were in a tank...

One said, "you man the guns, I'll drive"



Be well and Farang - Larry


----------



## MA-Caver

Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds? 

Because there's 20 of them.


(from Robin Williams Live In New York): "... remember, at Neverland you must be _THIS_ high to ride Michael." 



How's that for bad jokes?


----------



## bydand

I don't believe this is 3 pages long already.  Man we know some bad ones don't we.   Thanks, this is  great.


----------



## crushing

A gas station owner in Fox Lake was trying to increase his sales,   so he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed   correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the   proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no sex
this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in  for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor  again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2   this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray.  It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.


----------



## CoryKS

Why was 6 scared?










Because 7 8 9.

Why yes, I do have an eight-year-old.


----------



## DavidCC

how is a wife like a condom?










they both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your ****


----------



## DavidCC

OK hopefully no one will hate me for this one.


what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?



















nothin' - you done told her twice.

I know, so bad, so bad.


----------



## MA-Caver

DavidCC said:


> OK hopefully no one will hate me for this one.
> 
> 
> what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
> nothin' - you done told her twice.
> 
> I know, so bad, so bad.


To the dungeon you go! :btg: :whip:


----------



## DavidCC

DavidCC said:


> OK hopefully no one will hate me for this one.
> 
> 
> what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?


 
I tell you what Karma is a *****


----------



## JBrainard

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to another guy. He looks over and sees that in the corner there is a dog sitting there licking it's nuts. He says to the guy next to him; "Man, I wish I could do that." The other guy replies; "Well, if you go over there and pat him on the head, maybe he'll let you."


----------



## MA-Caver

A piece of string walks into a bar, the bartender was angry and shouted: "Hey! We don't serve string in here" and stomps on the string and throws it back out on to the street. The string gets picked up by a street cleaner and manages to get itself loose two blocks later. As it limps back into the bar the bartender notices and shouts: "Hey aren't you that string that I just tossed outta here?" 

"No," said the string, "I'm a-frayed-knot!"


----------



## Fiendlover

alright here we go.........

(this ones from pulp fiction)

papa tomatoe, mama tomatoe, and baby tomatoe are walking and the baby tomatoe starts lagging behind so the papa tomatoe gets angry and stomps on him and says catch-up (ketchup)  oh yeah lol

theres a rabbi, a wiccan priestess, and a priest on a boat fishing.  the rabbi excuses himself to go get something so he jumps overboard and walks across the water and then walks back.  
the preist then crosses himself in shock.
then the wiccan priestess excuses herself to go to the restroom and jumps over board and walks across the water to the shore and then comes back.
not wanting to be showed up, the priest excuses himself and sinks.
the rabbi says "do you think we should have told him about the rocks?" and the wiccan priestess says "what rocks?"  lol


----------



## jamz

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 























"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


----------



## Nomad

What's brown and sticky?
















A Stick!

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?















Because they're ugly and they stink!

(Sorry, had to pass that one along)


----------



## Nomad

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


Because he was dead!


Why did a second monkey fall out of the tree?


Because he was dead!


Why did a third monkey fall out of the tree?


Peer pressure.


----------



## lulflo

What did the left eyeball say to the right eyeball?













Between You and Me, something smells!


----------



## exile

Q: Suppose you were a classically-trained musician, but the only work you could get was in a polka band. What would be the best thing to do?

A: Act accordionly.


----------



## Hawke

Why did Tigger run into the bathroom?











He wanted to find POO!


----------



## Hawke

A bear and a rabbit were out in the woods going to the bathroom.

Bear (deep voice):  Rabbit do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur?

Rabbit (high squeaky voice): Nope

So Bear picks up Rabbit and wipes himself.


----------



## The Last Legionary

The worst golf player in history must have been Adolf Hitler.
He never got out of the bunker.




Q: How is The Taliban like Fred Flintstone? 
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.


----------



## Fiendlover

ok so i went to disneyland yesterday and i picked up a few bad ones from a security guard.

how do you put an elephant in a fridge?

you open the door, take the shelfs out and put him in.


how do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

you take the elephant out and put him in.


when Simba was born and everyone went to see him at Pride Rock, besides Scar and the hyenas, who did not show up?

the giraffe because he was still in the fridge!


how do you cross a crocodile infested river?

you swim because all the crocodiles went to see Simba at Pride Rock!

pretty lame.


----------



## diamondbar1971

Two Nuns who did weekly volunteer work as in home heath nurses, were on their way to one of their patients, when they ran out of gas. Well one of them walked to the closest gas station but the attendant had no gas containers of any kind, so she walks back to the car but can find nothing to hold gas but a bed pan. So she walks back to the gas station and fills it up and walks back to the car. As the two Nuns are pouring the contents of the bed pan into the gas tank, a Methodist church bus stops and observes and one of the methodist says to another, if that thing starts, i'm converting to Catholic.


----------



## Hawke

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. 

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. 

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. 

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. 

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. 

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. 

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. 

"What d'ya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" 

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"


----------



## Cirdan

Do you know the difference between an elephant`s *** and a mailbox?




No?? Can`t send you to get my mail then.


----------



## MA-Caver

Fiendlover said:


> ok so i went to disneyland yesterday and i picked up a few bad ones from a security guard.
> 
> how do you put an elephant in a fridge?
> 
> you open the door, take the shelfs out and put him in.
> 
> 
> how do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
> 
> you take the elephant out and put him in.
> 
> 
> when Simba was born and everyone went to see him at Pride Rock, besides Scar and the hyenas, who did not show up?
> 
> the giraffe because he was still in the fridge!
> 
> 
> how do you cross a crocodile infested river?
> 
> you swim because all the crocodiles went to see Simba at Pride Rock!
> 
> pretty lame.



The guard needs to be whapped over the head with his own baton...


----------



## Whitebelt

MA-Caver said:


> The guard needs to be whapped over the head with his own baton...


Well maybe he doesnt have one, which is why he's got those ,Tactical Jokes, if you could see them they'd probably be black and really rigid (see http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64235&highlight=tactical+shot )


----------



## thardey

Whitebelt said:


> Well maybe he doesnt have one, which is why he's got those ,Tactical Jokes, if you could see them they'd probably be black and really rigid (see http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64235&highlight=tactical+shot )



Bad thread crossover warning! Not allowed!!

. . .groan. . . .


----------



## Tomu

Did you hear about the baby boy that was born without eyelids?
They used his foreskin to contruct him some new eyelids.






Everything turned out OK but he was a little cock-eyed!!!


----------



## Big Don

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."


----------



## BrandonLucas

So, 2 midgets walk into a bar...

One turns to the other and says "Ow!!"


----------



## MA-Caver

tomu said:


> did you hear about the baby boy that was born without eyelids?
> They used his foreskin to contruct him some new eyelids.
> 
> Everything turned out ok but he was a little cock-eyed!!!



*groan! 
*


----------



## Fiendlover

MA-Caver said:


> The guard needs to be whapped over the head with his own baton...


lol yeah he does


----------



## BrandonLucas

Math jokes:

What does one tree say to another tree?

Gee, I'm a tree!

What do mermaids wear underwater?

Algy-bras!


----------



## foggymorning162

Guy goes to the shrink and says Doc I keep having these dreams.. in one I'm a tee pee and in the other I'm a wigwam what does it mean? Doc says thats easy......... Your 2 tents


----------



## foggymorning162

If you're American when your kitchen what are you when you're in your bathroom?
Your a pee'in!!!


----------



## BrandonLucas

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Dwain.

Dwain who?

Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwownin'!!!


----------



## Frostbite

There are only 10 types of people in the world...















Those who understand binary and those who don't.


----------



## JadeDragon3

Joke:  How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

Answer: She tried to answer the iron.

Joke: How did she burn her other ear?

Answer: They called back.


----------



## celtic_crippler

Why'd they bury the bear on the north side of the hill? 












'cause he was dead. 













How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree? 












Wave at him.


----------



## matsu

*how to prove that a dog is a mans best friend.*

lock both your wife and old faithful in the car boot for an hour

when you open it back up..... who is most pleased to see you???



matsu


----------



## BanannaSmoothie

a blind man walks into a bar.  he orders a beer and says "hey bar tender, wanna hear a good blonde joke?"

the bartender says "look old man, i know your blind, so i must warn you, we have 4 bouncers in here that are all blonde women, plus i'm a blonde woman who is a black belt in karate.  still wanna tell the joke?"

the old blind man says "well, no, not if i'm gonna have to explain it 5 times"


----------



## Lisa

Why did the Lion spit out the clown?













Because he tasted funny!!!! :lfao:


----------



## BanannaSmoothie

one more for all my fellow Jews on MT.

whats a Jew's biggest dellima?  

Free bacon


----------



## JadecloudAlchemist

I made this when I was 6yrs old be gentle to my Inner child.

What do get when you mix a Brain with a Washing machine?

BRAINWASH.



Hey I was only 6!!


----------



## Stac3y

What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink?















"Wha--TAAAAAA!!!!!"


====

Why are hipsters lousy at karate?














They can never get past the white belt.

====

How many militant feminists does it take to change a light bulb?














That's not funny.

====

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?














You mean you don't know?

====

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?














None. They have a machine that can do that now.


----------



## crushing

*In honor of the mother of the octuplets,* Denny's is offering 
a new breakfast meal:  The Octo-Slam.  You get fourteen 
eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.


----------



## crushing

Lisa said:


> Why did the Lion spit out the clown?


 
If the clown stood in a football field endzone, he wouldn't have to worry about any Lions getting to him!


----------



## MA-Caver

Lisa said:


> Why did the Lion spit out the clown?
> 
> Because he tasted funny!!!! :lfao:


The lion must know these cannibals...

Two cannibals are eating a clown...one of them turns to the other and asks..."does this taste funny to you?" 


What do you call a 250 pound Samoan woman? 

Anorexic



JadecloudAlchemist said:


> I made this when I was 6yrs old be gentle to my Inner child.
> 
> What do get when you mix a Brain with a Washing machine?
> 
> BRAINWASH.
> 
> 
> 
> Hey I was only 6!!


Yeah when I was widdle I had a favorite joke... 
What kind of witches live on the beach?

Sandwiches...


----------



## Cryozombie

So a snail walks into a bar and orders a Slo Gin.

An Elephant walks into a Hotel and askes the bellhop for some help with his trunk.

Girl walking down the street sees a sleeping baby goat and calls the cops to report a Kidd Napping. 

British Commando walks into a Chemist and says "Say old chap, I am in need of a Jimmy Hat.  What will that cost me?  The Parmacist looks behind the counter, slectes a box of trojans, and says "3 unit box for 5 pounds".  The commando thinks about it for a minute, and says he will be back.  He comes back the next day and says "Say fellow, how much to have this used Jimmy repaired?" and he pulls out a well used condom and slaps it on the counter.  The Pharmacist looks at it and says "well, I suppose it could be done... for say 1 pound fifty."  The commando thinks about it for a minute, and says he will be back.  He comes back the next day, slaps the used one down again and says 

"The squad would like this one fixed"


----------



## MA-Caver

"I believe you have the wrong number" said the old man into the phone while in bed late one night, "you'll have to call the weather service for that information" and promptly hung up. 
"Who was that?" asked his beautiful young wife in bed beside him.
"Just some fool asking if the coast was clear."


----------



## BrandonLucas

Don't know if it's already been posted or not:

How do you make Budweiser?

Send him to school!


----------



## Thesemindz

Two inmates are escaping from an insane asylum one night when they make it to the roof. Running to the edge, they leap to the next building. They continue leaping from building to building until they finally come to a building that's too far away for one of them to leap too. The first inmate turns to the second and says, "Don't worry. I'll jump across, and then turn my flashlight on and shine it across and you can walk over on the beam of light."

The second inmate looks at him and says, "What do you think I am crazy?"

"How do I know you won't turn the flashlight off when I'm halfway across?"


-Rob


----------



## BrandonLucas

Books never written:

Race to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit and Betty Dont

Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts

Too Exciting for Words by Page Turner

Why I Hate Tall People by Iam Short

Knowing When You Smoke Too Much by Tupacs Aday


----------



## thardey

More Famous Books Never Written:

The Yellow River, by I.P. Freely
Vicious Cat, by Claude Bawls
Over the Cliffs, by Hugo First

If we keep going with these, they'd have to be moved to the "After Dark" section!


----------

