# MORE military jokes...much better ones, in fact.



## hardheadjarhead (Jan 29, 2005)

A few more:


At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. 

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

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During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"

The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."

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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building". 

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

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In Germany, the airport servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew.  They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route.

This is the account of one such flight in particular...

"Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions."

"British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."

"Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."

The tower answered rather huffily, "British Airways one-seven, have you _never_ been to Hamburg before ?"

"Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop."

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A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M. he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy..."

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A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old Command Sergeant Major and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

The CSM replied, "It's history and tradition ... First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes," said the Second Lieutenant, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"

"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we 've always covered our pr***s with leaves."

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The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

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A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them. 

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me. 

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his passions any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT! 

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. 

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked. 

The Sergeant replied, "Well, _mon Capitain_, usually they just use it to ride into town."

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In The US Armor school, the following are definitions, as appropriate, by the different organizations that support the tank: 

In the tank gunnery school, you are taught that if your tank could move, and communicate but could not shoot, what you had was a worthless tank. 

In the tank propulsion school, you are taught if your tank could shoot, and communicate, but could not move, what you had was a worthless tank. 

In the tank communication school, you are taught that if your tank can move, and communicate, but can not shoot, what you have essentially is a 75 ton portable radio. 

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A very posh British surgeon at a field hospital looks down at at bleeding
and moaning Australian 'digger':

Surgeon: "My God, man! Did you come in here to die!"

Aussie: "No, Sir, I came in here yesterday"






Regards,


Steve


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## KenpoTex (Jan 30, 2005)

Here's a couple more....

A group of officers were having a discussion, and the ranking Colonel offered the opinion that sex was 20% Fun and 80% Work....  
The Major offered his opinion that sex was 60% Fun & 40% Work.  
The Lieutenant was sure that it was more like 80% Fun & 20% Work  
The argument went around with no agreement, so the Colonel called in a Sergeant Major who was nearby...

"Sergeant Major, what's your opinion of all this??? - Who's closest to the mark?"

"Sir, I think you're ALL wrong! Sex must be 100%
FUN! = because if there was any work involved, you'd have an Enlisted man doing it for you!" 

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The 5 most DANGEROUS things you'll ever hear in the US Navy... 

1. A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp!"

2. A Petty Officer saying, "Trust Me Sir!"

3. A JG saying, "Based on my experience!"

4. A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking!"

5. A Chief chuckeling, "Watch THIS S***!"


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## TonyM. (Jan 30, 2005)

Three medics were sitting in the chow hall shooting the breeze and one says "Back in the 'nam I had a guy hit in the head with an RPG7 rocket and I sewed his head back on and had him back in the field in two weeks." The second medic says"That's nothing. Back in the 'nam I had a guy take five rounds from a soviet .51 machine gun right in the belly, nearly cut him in half. I sewed him up and had him back in the field in a week." The third medic was sweating because he had no combat experience and finally blurted out "That's nothing fellas. Back at my unit we got plenty of second lueys with no brains or guts and I have them working every day."


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## KenpoTex (Feb 4, 2005)

Another one:

Three U.S. soldiers were on a special ops mission deep in the jungles of South America. The three man team consisted of one Marine, one Navy SEAL, and one Army Ranger. The team was on patrol and was captured by a band of headhunters. The headhunters took the team back to the village to stand trial for trespassing on sacred grounds. 
The three men were tied up and placed in the middle of the village to be questioned by the chief headhunter. The first to be questioned was the Marine. 
"You have been found guilty of trespassing and will be executed. We will use your skin for canoes, your bones for weapons, and your meat to feed our people. Do you have any last requests?" the chief asked.
"Yeah," the Marine replied. " I want my rucksack".
"Your rucksack?" the chief replied.
"Yes, my rucksack."
The chief gave the Marine the rucksack. The Marine opened it and pulled out a .45 pistol. He then shot himself in the head
"We can still use his body," the chief said. He then turned to the SEAL and asked if he had any last requests.
"Yeah. Give me my dog tag chain," the SEAL said.
When the chief handed him the chain, the SEAL opened a locket on the chain, took out a cyanide pill and swallowed it. Within 30 seconds he was dead.
"That's alright," the chief said. "We can still use his body."
He then turned to the Ranger and asked him if he had any last request.
"Give me my mess kit," replied the Ranger.
"Your mess kit?" the chief asked, thinking that this was an odd final request.
"Yeah, jackass. My mess kit," said the Ranger.
When the chief handed the Ranger the mess kit, the Ranger opened it and took out his fork.
"Look here chief," the Ranger said, " you might be able to use my bones to make weapons for your people. You might be able to use my meat to feed your people. But," the Ranger said as he began stabbing himself all over his own chest, " to Hell with your damn canoes!"


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## MA-Caver (Feb 5, 2005)

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God, the expression, "One Nation Under God", was unconstitutional, and further, he was going to prove there is no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall.  Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His countdown got down to the last couple of seconds when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him *** over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the  students were shocked and babbled in confusion.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled,  "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."


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## KenpoTex (Feb 6, 2005)

MACaver said:
			
		

> "God was busy. He sent me."


HooRah!


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## ninjaboyelroy (Feb 7, 2005)

I was meeting someone who was staying at a very posh military club and overheard two old guys talking about someone who died during the WW2. Old guy 1 says "He didn't much like shellfire." Dead silence and then old guy 2 says "Who did?". Old guy 1 replies quickly "Tiny did." Longer period of silence then old guy 2 says "Tiny was crazy." Old guy 1 says "Ya, crazy". Both then returned to reading their papers.


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## Skankatron Ltd (Feb 19, 2005)

I think catch-22 is the funniest military joke of all.


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## TonyM. (Feb 22, 2005)

YoYo!


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## MA-Caver (Mar 8, 2005)

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
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Military Reaction to Snakes
 Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

 Paratrooper:Lands on and kills the snake.

 Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

 Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

 Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Back to base for
crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake."

 Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

 2nd Ranger: Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

 MI: analyzes all available intelligence and national asset input on the reptilian situation; reports sighting of Godzilla to National Command Authority.

 JAG: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.

 Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.

 Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.

 Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

 Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

 Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

 Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere.

 AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.

 AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

 Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.


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## KenpoTex (Mar 10, 2005)

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"


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## Silat Student (Mar 28, 2005)

Two Marines walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says "Damn that hurt!"


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## Feisty Mouse (Mar 28, 2005)

kenpotex said:
			
		

> Another one:
> 
> Three U.S. soldiers were on a special ops mission deep in the jungles of South America. The three man team consisted of one Marine, one Navy SEAL, and one Army Ranger. The team was on patrol and was captured by a band of headhunters. The headhunters took the team back to the village to stand trial for trespassing on sacred grounds.
> The three men were tied up and placed in the middle of the village to be questioned by the chief headhunter. The first to be questioned was the Marine.
> ...


:roflmao: 

Ah, the contrary ones are the best!


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