# preventing child molestation



## terryl965 (Feb 25, 2008)

What step should be taken to try and help reduce these types of crimes in America. I have three son's and wolf kill someone if it ever happened to them. It seem every year those type of crimes goes up and up no matter what steps are done by parents and churches.


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## myusername (Feb 25, 2008)

I don't believe that this type of crime increases year after year I would like to think that the increase in reported cases would be because there is more support for children and increased child safety awareness training for professionals in todays society than ever before. I believe that the answer to the problem is to keep on and raise awareness and teach people what to look for and the signs of abuse and make it easier for people to report suspicions knowing that the case will be investigated sensitively.

I also think that there should be extremely tough sentences for peodophiles. (Not that it would act as a deterrant for that sort of person but a life in prison would stop them doing it again!)


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## myusername (Feb 25, 2008)

myusername said:


> I don't believe that this type of crime increases year after year I would like to think that the increase in reported cases would be because there is more support for children and increased child safety awareness training for professionals in todays society than ever before. I believe that the answer to the problem is to keep on and raise awareness and teach people what to look for and the signs of abuse and make it easier for people to report suspicions knowing that the case will be investigated sensitively.
> 
> I also think that there should be extremely tough sentences for peodophiles. (Not that it would act as a deterrant for that sort of person but a life in prison would stop them doing it again!)



Sorry, looking at the above post I don't think I made my original point clear! What I was trying to say was that the increase in statistics reflect that people are just reporting it more rather than more abuse occuring! The same levels of abuse has probably always been there its just that thankfully more cases are going to court!


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## Drac (Feb 25, 2008)

myusername said:


> I don't believe that this type of crime increases year after year I would like to think that the increase in reported cases


 
I must disagree...Missing children have *ALWAYS* been reported..There is an alarming increase in child abductions..I have not done enough research to show why there is an increse...




myusername said:


> I believe that the answer to the problem is to keep on and raise awareness and teach people what to look for and the signs of abuse and make it easier for people to report suspicions knowing that the case will be investigated sensitively


 
Well said..The problem over here is *NO ONE* wants to get involved...Too many walk around with blinders on....



myusername said:


> I also think that there should be extremely tough sentences for peodophiles. (Not that it would act as a deterrant for that sort of person but a life in prison would stop them doing it again!)


 
I am all for *VERY HARSH* punishments for those who prey on children...Once they get inside and released in general population they will be delt with in a manner that cannot be printed here...


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## jks9199 (Feb 25, 2008)

Drac said:


> I must disagree...Missing children have *ALWAYS* been reported..There is an alarming increase in child abductions..I have not done enough research to show why there is an increse...



As far as I know, most child abductions remain familial in nature.  In other words, a family member abducts the child because of some sort of custody dispute.  Others, which I suspect are increasing, are what I guess we can call "cooperative abductions" like the cases where a kid makes the acquaintance of someone through MySpace and goes to meet them.  More opportunity there has led to more cases.  For the familial abductions, I suspect that there are 3 main reasons:
1. increase in divorces involving kids (more broken families = more custody disputes = more familial abductions) as well as more cases of custody disputes involving single parents
2. greater cultural differences (I know of several cases where Middle Eastern fundamentalist Islamic family members took kids, especially of mixed-culture families, to Saudi Arabia or somewhere else to "make sure they learned properly.)
3. more reporting of these cases as abductions instead of "domestic disputes".


> I am all for *VERY HARSH* punishments for those who prey on children...Once they get inside and released in general population they will be delt with in a manner that cannot be printed here...



I'd love to see people who commit crimes against kids like this to have the inmate slang for their offense tattooed on their forehead.  How long do you think that they'll last with "short eyes" tattooed on their forehead?


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## terryl965 (Feb 25, 2008)

myusername said:


> Sorry, looking at the above post I don't think I made my original point clear! What I was trying to say was that the increase in statistics reflect that people are just reporting it more rather than more abuse occuring! The same levels of abuse has probably always been there its just that thankfully more cases are going to court!


 
This maybe true more people are reporting the actual crimes than before and I agree we must have tougher sentences for those that do this, but how is this going to happen?


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## terryl965 (Feb 25, 2008)

Drac said:


> I must disagree...Missing children have *ALWAYS* been reported..There is an alarming increase in child abductions..I have not done enough research to show why there is an increse...
> 
> Drac the statistic here in the DFW area has increase over 100% this time two years ago.
> 
> ...


 
I believe the harshes penalties should be inforce with this type of crime.


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## Darth F.Takeda (Feb 25, 2008)

I dont allow my child to go to day cares, my lady stays home with the kids, when she works I do. Only Grandparents, Godparents or my siblings watch my kids.

When my kids are outside, I watch them like a hawk and I am more apt to carry a weapon when I have my kids with me.

 I teach my children to not ever talk to strangers and dont let anyone touch you in a way that makes them feel nerveous.

 I tell them they can allways tell me anything, I will listen.
I allso told the oldest if anyone ever harms him, I will kill them if the law does not do it's job. Many will disagree with this, but it was a great comfort growing up KNOWING my Old man would kill for me, laws be damned. Kids should feel that their father puts them above all else.

 I also regularly check the Sex Offender registry for pervs near my home.
None in my neighborhood as of now, but if one moved in I'd knock on the door and let him know I am letting everyone know about them (I know alot of people in our hood and they would all back my plays) and if I see him in areas that kids frequent , I will be there and God help him if I catch him near my or anyone else's kids. I will also let him know that I am very freindly with a detective who handles his kind.
You cant let their kind feel welcome or safe in your area, everyone should do this in the community and after awhile they will have to congragate to their own communities.

It's beyond me why we dont execute these dogs more, they allmost allways commit these crimes after Prison, not all of them get killed in the joint.
 If all this failed and something happend to my kids, he would hope the cops get him first and if they do and he is convicted, I will back up a truck of Kools and Marlbros to the Prison, if you get my drift.


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## Drac (Feb 25, 2008)

Darth F.Takeda said:


> I also regularly check the Sex Offender registry for pervs near my home.


 
Good...I have it sent to my e-mail addy and keep the name on file




Darth F.Takeda said:


> It's beyond me why we dont execute these dogs more


 
I'm for that too..Public executions off these POS after convivted beyone anyones doubt...The ACLU would NEVER permit it... 




Darth F.Takeda said:


> if all this failed and something happend to my kids, he would hope the cops get him first and if they do and he is convicted, I will back up a truck of Kools and Marlbros to the Prison, if you get my drift.


 
I hear that from more family types than you would believe..


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## MA-Caver (Feb 25, 2008)

Well once again the focus goes towards the pedophile than to the victim. How easy it is for the little ones to be "momentarily put aside" so that harsh punishment discussions can be made to satisfy our outrage at this heinous crime. 
Topic was prevention I believe. 
When I worked at a sexual abuse clinic I learned quite a bit about the signs and signals that children give off. But a lot of people don't see it. 
But *one of* the reasons that it doesn't get reported is because the pedophile has created a "secret" with the child. It's a little one at first, then it gradually builds up. The old stereotyped "Chester The Molester" hiding behind bushes in his (dirty) underwear with a bat poised ready to knock little Cindy or Billy unconscious so they can have their way with them is just that... a stereotype. 
Trust is gradually built up over time and if the object is desirable enough then the pedophile can sometimes be very VERY patient indeed. Thus sometimes the abuse goes on for years. 
The child must be made aware BEFORE the deed that it's O.K. to tell. They must first trust their parents (unless it's THEM doing the crime) that person was touching them in the "wrong" way. It's denial and fear that prevents a parent from broaching this subject with their children, but it must be done... for their protection. How it's done is of course a different matter entirely and probably a different thread altogether.
Thing is that it gets done. 
Breaking the secret. Even if it's just a "casual" touch; a light brush over the clothed genitals or a little over long affectionate hug with hands straying down. Then "ohh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to touch you like that... don't tell anyone okay? *winks* it'll be our secret. Building up to even "accidentally" leaving the bathroom door open... and so on...
It's busting the "don't tell anyone and I won't tell" hold that they build with the child. THAT'S what helps prevent further abuse and the build up. 
Also remember it's not always adults that do this... older kids wanting to experiment or "acting out" their own abuse on a younger child. It's a sticky when the children involved are the same age, that I personally would call it experimentation of curiosity. It depends on the age range as well. But either way: NO! Means NO! 

One of the other very important and crucial things to impart to an abused child is to reinforce upon them strongly... that *it-was-not-their-fault*! Letting them know that helps to "tell more" about exactly what went on. 
In an attitude and environment of trust a child doesn't think about lying. When they're afraid of getting punished or in trouble is when they lie, sometimes even exaggerate what went on and that's bad too. It doesn't help the prosecutor's case when that happens. Children should learn to trust authority figures when needed to report these crimes as well. As I've said, sometimes it's the parent or other family member committing these crimes, so who can the child turn to? 

Prevention? Common sense, awareness, knowing the people around your children. Through background checks on any care takers/sitters, instructors for your children. Knowing that not all pedophiles are men, not all are strangers and not all are adults.


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## myusername (Feb 25, 2008)

Drac said:


> I must disagree...Missing children have *ALWAYS* been reported..There is an alarming increase in child abductions..I have not done enough research to show why there is an increse...



I take your point on the child abductions as there does seem as if there has been an increase in recent years (unfortunately I have no stats but I'm pretty sure that this is the case). I think that *jks9199* made some very good suggestions as to why they seem to be on the up especially with the rise of the internet hypothesis.

However, the original poster mentioned child molestation rather than abductions which is what I was referring to. Most sexual abuse happens within families behind closed doors without the need for abductions. Therefore, I feel that the rise in child molestation cases is down to more people reporting it due to the reasons I proposed in my original post. 

I expect the number of reported cases to continue to rise as sadly I think what is actually reported is the tip of the iceberg. I currently work in a drug and alcohol inpatient detox ward and every two weeks we get an intake of 6 patients and I can garuantee that _at least_ 1 patient out of every 6 that I nurse has some history of being sexually molested as a child. I honestly believe that this sort of thing has been going on for generations but it was historically more difficult for children to speak out.


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## Drac (Feb 25, 2008)

myusername said:


> I expect the number of reported cases to continue to rise as sadly


 
Sad but true



myusername said:


> I think what is actually reported is the tip of the iceberg. I currently work in a drug and alcohol inpatient detox ward and every two weeks we get an intake of 6 patients and I can garuantee that _at least_ 1 patient out of every 6 that I nurse has some history of being sexually molested as a child


 
Also sad but true..



myusername said:


> I honestly believe that this sort of thing has been going on for generations but it was historically more difficult for children to speak out.


 
Yes, we are in agreement on that..


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## Darth F.Takeda (Feb 25, 2008)

MA-Caver said:


> Well once again the focus goes towards the pedophile than to the victim. How easy it is for the little ones to be "momentarily put aside" so that harsh punishment discussions can be made to satisfy our outrage at this heinous crime.
> Topic was prevention I believe.
> When I worked at a sexual abuse clinic I learned quite a bit about the signs and signals that children give off. But a lot of people don't see it.
> But *one of* the reasons that it doesn't get reported is because the pedophile has created a "secret" with the child. It's a little one at first, then it gradually builds up. The old stereotyped "Chester The Molester" hiding behind bushes in his (dirty) underwear with a bat poised ready to knock little Cindy or Billy unconscious so they can have their way with them is just that... a stereotype.
> ...


 
I did say i talk to my kids about this, but you make a good post.


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## Kacey (Feb 25, 2008)

As others have said, many (most?) child abductions - especially those _not_ motivated by pedophilia - are familial in nature, so all of the "stranger danger" programs have nothing to do with prevention in those cases.

Prevention begins at home.

Some prevention ideas:

Have an emergency password.  Teach your children not to go with anyone you have not previously approved who does not know the password.  Make it easy to remember (favorite color, best friend's name, favorite teacher's name, but not something obvious (no middle names, pet's names, etc.)).

Do NOT write your children's names on the outside of their clothes or other belongings - that makes it much too easy for someone to come up and pretend to know them.  If items must be labeled, do so on the inside.

Teach your children safety skills - how to spot potential dangers and what to do about them.  For example, if a person makes you nervous, go to a different adult (one with kids, if available) - a person _you_ approach is more likely to be safe than one that approaches you.  Also teach them to seek populated places (stores, police and fire stations, gas stations, houses, etc.) when afraid of someone in the vicinity.

There's more - but I've only got a little while to post; I'll try to find my list at home later.


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## jks9199 (Feb 25, 2008)

Darth F.Takeda said:


> I dont allow my child to go to day cares, my lady stays home with the kids, when she works I do. Only Grandparents, Godparents or my siblings watch my kids.
> 
> When my kids are outside, I watch them like a hawk and I am more apt to carry a weapon when I have my kids with me.
> 
> I teach my children to not ever talk to strangers and dont let anyone touch you in a way that makes them feel nerveous.


Sounds great, on the surface.  But there are problems that you're complacent about here.  First, and this isn't an allegation at your family, but it is something to accept as a reality, a lot of child molestation is committed by family members, or other "trusted adults."

Second, I have a problem with the "don't talk to strangers" approach.  What is a stranger?  How have you defined it?  Do your kids know -- and practice -- that knowing someone's name doesn't make them "not a stranger?"  Do they know that even "nice people" can be dangerous?  Too often, we make kids terrified of strangers, but never really identify who is a stranger.


> I tell them they can allways tell me anything, I will listen.
> I allso told the oldest if anyone ever harms him, I will kill them if the law does not do it's job. Many will disagree with this, but it was a great comfort growing up KNOWING my Old man would kill for me, laws be damned. Kids should feel that their father puts them above all else.
> 
> I also regularly check the Sex Offender registry for pervs near my home.
> ...


  Sex offender registries are a complicated issue.  Do you know, and understand, why someone might be on one?  So is harassing someone...

Oh... and VA (and just about every other state) has had significant issues with offenders failing to register when they move or get off of probation.  Again... complacency.


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## myusername (Feb 25, 2008)

terryl965 said:


> This maybe true more people are reporting the actual crimes than before and I agree we must have tougher sentences for those that do this, but how is this going to happen?



It's a tough one really. I think ideally it's about having a well funded and well staffed service that has seamless links with organisations that deal with children ie: schools, nurseries youth groups etc. This would give people a single point of contact to refer their suspicions, More training on spotting signs of abuse is needed in these organisations and more public awareness, maybe even long running TV campaigns.

Unfortunately tougher sentences would not be the cure as the type of person who does this sort of thing would not be deterred by them. It's amazing but some peadophiles are so twisted that they can delude themselves that they are not committing a crime and that what they are doing is consensual! I think tougher sentencing is more about preventing offenders being able to commit those acts again rather than having any benefit in stopping them doing it to begin with.

On a home front I think Kacey has come up with some wonderful suggestions for keeping your own children safe.

Cheers Mark


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## MA-Caver (Feb 25, 2008)

myusername said:


> Unfortunately tougher sentences would not be the cure as the type of person who does this sort of thing would not be deterred by them. It's amazing but some pedophiles are so twisted that they can delude themselves that they are not committing a crime and that what they are doing is consensual! I think tougher sentencing is more about preventing offenders being able to commit those acts again rather than having any benefit in stopping them doing it to begin with.


This is sadly true. Many of the offenders that I worked with in their group sessions were in complete denial of any wrong doing. They just knew that it was illegal but in their minds the child was anywhere between consenting, curious and even initiating the contact. But it's a deep dark path down the minds of these wretched creatures, one that I could share but I think many here would not unless they are involved with some form of therapy for sex offenders. 
Keep in mind it DOES work, I've seen it work first hand in offenders who are given the no-holds barred in your face type therapy. However; it's something that must be re-enforced over time. One person, a pederast I knew had gone through the 18-20 months of intensive therapy and wasn't allowed to complete the program until he had (truly) met their requirements. But within two years he didn't re-offend children but conducted the exact same type of control, manipulation, denial, minimizing, justifying, rationalization and all of that with a girl 18 years of age, more than half his age. When I pointed it out to him he said "it's not the same thing!" There were charges filed and because of his prior he was ordered to go through therapy again, which he did and some 9 months later he told me that I was right and that he was blinded by his own thinking pattern that emerged because he had stopped practicing the techniques needed to stay on his toes so that he would not fall into the same cycle again. He's now committed to staying in therapy and doing the work. 

Thing is if we can understand how these pedophiles think then we can at least spot the behavioral patterns as they interact with (our) children. But again, watching the child for any changes in behavior is another link and another step in stopping the abuse before it goes too far. Again, developing the trust with the right adults in not being afraid of telling the truth and "breaking the secret" helps immensely.


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## Darth F.Takeda (Feb 26, 2008)

MA-Caver said:


> This is sadly true. Many of the offenders that I worked with in their group sessions were in complete denial of any wrong doing. They just knew that it was illegal but in their minds the child was anywhere between consenting, curious and even initiating the contact. But it's a deep dark path down the minds of these wretched creatures, one that I could share but I think many here would not unless they are involved with some form of therapy for sex offenders.
> Keep in mind it DOES work, I've seen it work first hand in offenders who are given the no-holds barred in your face type therapy. However; it's something that must be re-enforced over time. One person, a pederast I knew had gone through the 18-20 months of intensive therapy and wasn't allowed to complete the program until he had (truly) met their requirements. But within two years he didn't re-offend children but conducted the exact same type of control, manipulation, denial, minimizing, justifying, rationalization and all of that with a girl 18 years of age, more than half his age. When I pointed it out to him he said "it's not the same thing!" There were charges filed and because of his prior he was ordered to go through therapy again, which he did and some 9 months later he told me that I was right and that he was blinded by his own thinking pattern that emerged because he had stopped practicing the techniques needed to stay on his toes so that he would not fall into the same cycle again. He's now committed to staying in therapy and doing the work.
> 
> Thing is if we can understand how these pedophiles think then we can at least spot the behavioral patterns as they interact with (our) children. But again, watching the child for any changes in behavior is another link and another step in stopping the abuse before it goes too far. Again, developing the trust with the right adults in not being afraid of telling the truth and "breaking the secret" helps immensely.


 

What both of you say is exactly why they should be locked away for life or better yet have their head forced face down into a bucket and then give them a bullet in the head.
 Some things should not be fixed, they should be junked.


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## MA-Caver (Feb 26, 2008)

Darth F.Takeda said:


> What both of you say is exactly why they should be locked away for life or better yet have their head forced face down into a bucket and then give them a bullet in the head.
> Some things should not be fixed, they should be junked.


Well, probably true. But he is only one example, the others in his group therapy sessions ... of which I was a part as an interpreter and observer (to my knowledge) have yet to re-offend. So sometimes things STAY fixed and others need re-tweaking. 
But again, this is *not* about the offenders but about the victims or potential victims and the means to keep them from becoming victims, so lets keep it on *that* track. If there is desired discussion of offenders and their treatment(s) then lets make another thread. 

Someone I heard said: "The biggest cross children have to bear is their size. Because people think just because _they_ are little, what happens to them is little, instead of big". 

Something to think about.


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## Ping898 (Feb 26, 2008)

I think the biggest problems is we look for a cure all solution to this.  The problem is the attacker is not always one type of person, so it will take multiple solutions to eradicate the problem (or at least get it to the lowest is will be).  
One of the biggest disservices the government did to people was the "stranger danger" program.  It gave a whole generation of kids the impression that the only person who would hurt them was the person they didn't know, that mom and dad didn't introduce them too...which we all know is not the case.  Unfortunately, we all know that kids many times are molested by those they know who are able to form a trust or fear bond with the child.  But all you see in the news are the high profile stories of repeat offender X who kidnapped child Y and molested and killed him/her and so our laws are created in reaction to those stories.  Keep offenders 2000 yards from the schools and playgrounds, great, that only works if you know where the offender is and if the offender has been caught before.  How often does it happen that the child attacked is only 5 or 6 and is attacked by an uncle and in order to spare the child the family doesn't press charges, just shuts the uncle out of their life.  How many times does a kid tell a teacher who happened and the teacher report it and try to help only to loose his/her job people the person doing the molestation was a person in power.  I've read enough about it happening in non-sexual child abuse cases to believe is happens in the sexual abuse ones

Some times I am not sure there is anything that can be done to completely stop it. I have read several stories of children who were molest by a grandparent and further investigation into the situation revealed the grandparent was suffering from dementia which caused previously unnoticed personality changes in the grandparent.  How do you prevent something like that.  Even if you are always vigilant and always watching out for your kids, there have to be some people you can trust.  I know from experience it is easy to miss the little changes in someone, especially someone you love and have no reason to doubt, until something drastic occurs.

I don't know entirely what the solution to the problem is, but I think it will have to be a multi-pronged solution that will begin and end with education and teaching children about good touch/bad touch and if the experience bad touch to teach them to keep telling someone in authority until they get someone to help.  
I also think the counseling of the abused kids needs to really be pushed whether the kids want it or not, whether the parents want it for the kids or not, it needs to happen to make sure the kids do no grow up thinking this is normal, and continue the cycle....


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## Kacey (Feb 26, 2008)

Ping898 said:


> One of the biggest disservices the government did to people was the "stranger danger" program.  It gave a whole generation of kids the impression that the only person who would hurt them was the person they didn't know, that mom and dad didn't introduce them too...which we all know is not the case.



I agree.  As a teacher, I see much more in the way of abuse than molestation - but the kids often don't talk about it because they think it's normal (and for many of the kids here it is - especially on the neglect end of the abuse scale).  And even for some of the kids who are molested, they don't see it that way - the molester is often someone who does special activities (beyond the molestation, I mean) with them, spends money on them, etc. - things they don't get from anyone else.  That's why it's so easy for molesters to get the kids to keep the secret.

Abuse is often situational... I have a student who has missed 1/3 of the school year so far, and his mother keeps calling him in sick - but it took threatening her with a report to Social Services for neglect to get her to take him to the doctor, even with a referral to a clinic that charges on a sliding scale.  



Ping898 said:


> I don't know entirely what the solution to the problem is, but I think it will have to be a multi-pronged solution that will begin and end with education and teaching children about good touch/bad touch and if the experience bad touch to teach them to keep telling someone in authority until they get someone to help.
> I also think the counseling of the abused kids needs to really be pushed whether the kids want it or not, whether the parents want it for the kids or not, it needs to happen to make sure the kids do no grow up thinking this is normal, and continue the cycle....


Breaking the cycle is definitely the key - abuse cycles either from generation to generation (the "my parent hit me, and if it was good enough for me, it's good enough for you" mentality) OR it cycles on alternate generations (the "my parent hit me, and that was so horrible that I won't discipline you at all" mentality, followed by the next generation that cycles back to physical response to unwanted behavior because the permissiveness they grew up with didn't work either).  The question is, who is going to provide this education, and how - the schools are overloaded, and honestly, without societal support (which isn't really out there in many places) the schools can talk until they're blue in the face, and it won't make a damn bit of difference - not until at least 2 or 3 entire generations - including those who are not parents - truly _believes_ that molestation and abuse (including neglect) is simply not acceptable to society, and enforces that belief on others.


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## MA-Caver (Feb 26, 2008)

Ping898 said:


> I think the biggest problems is we look for a cure all solution to this.  The problem is the attacker is not always one type of person, so it will take multiple solutions to eradicate the problem (or at least get it to the lowest is will be).
> One of the biggest disservices the government did to people was the "stranger danger" program.  It gave a whole generation of kids the impression that the only person who would hurt them was the person they didn't know, that mom and dad didn't introduce them too...which we all know is not the case.  Unfortunately, we all know that kids many times are molested by those they know who are able to form a trust or fear bond with the child.  But all you see in the news are the high profile stories of repeat offender X who kidnapped child Y and molested and killed him/her and so our laws are created in reaction to those stories.  Keep offenders 2000 yards from the schools and playgrounds, great, that only works if you know where the offender is and if the offender has been caught before.  How often does it happen that the child attacked is only 5 or 6 and is attacked by an uncle and in order to spare the child the family doesn't press charges, just shuts the uncle out of their life.  How many times does a kid tell a teacher who happened and the teacher report it and try to help only to loose his/her job people the person doing the molestation was a person in power.  I've read enough about it happening in non-sexual child abuse cases to believe is happens in the sexual abuse ones


Since the advent of the Sex Offender registry this has been helpful in many cases in identifying potential offenders in one's area. Here in Chattanooga registered offenders were prohibited from being home during Halloween so to not answer their doors should a costumed child be on their street trick or treating.  But as you say, it's after the crimes that these measures are taken and not before. And yes, I agree that a majority of abuse does not get reported because of the "family secret" Uncle Joe was caught in the basement game room with little Tommy or Sarah so Uncle Joe is no longer invited to the house or left alone with the kids at family gatherings but the police doesn't find out about it because of the shame and trauma that it may impose upon the child/family. And most often it's to protect the family (name) than it is for the child's benefit. "We'll take care of Tommy and Sarah so that this doesn't happen again". How do they likely take care of it? Don't ever ever mention it. And even worse imply in some way (big or small) that they had something to do with making Uncle Joe do what he did. And of course there's no mention of what happened with Uncle Joe when he was a kid and Grandpa or Uncle Jim had done something to Joe... because that's a family secret too. So the cycle goes on. And on. 
Again I agree that it's worse for teachers and even clergy who hear about things like this but because of the threat/danger of losing their jobs which is sadly _sometimes_ to them, more important than the child's welfare and peace of mind, because they got their own kids to feed, or because of strictures in place to clergy members because of the rules they must abide by of confidentiality of confessions. It's ugly and it definitely needs to be fixed.


Ping898 said:


> Some times I am not sure there is anything that can be done to completely stop it. I have read several stories of children who were molest by a grandparent and further investigation into the situation revealed the grandparent was suffering from dementia which caused previously unnoticed personality changes in the grandparent.  How do you prevent something like that.  Even if you are always vigilant and always watching out for your kids, there have to be some people you can trust.  I know from experience it is easy to miss the little changes in someone, especially someone you love and have no reason to doubt, until something drastic occurs.


 This is yet another facet of the abuse syndrome that occurs and adds to a family's denial. Grandpa/Grandma didn't know what they was doing and they'll tell the child that and expect the child to understand and _live_ with that. And therapy for the child is out of the question because it'll break the family secret. 



Ping898 said:


> I don't know entirely what the solution to the problem is, but I think it will have to be a multi-pronged solution that will begin and end with education and teaching children about good touch/bad touch and if the experience bad touch to teach them to keep telling someone in authority until they get someone to help.
> I also think the counseling of the abused kids needs to really be pushed whether the kids want it or not, whether the parents want it for the kids or not, it needs to happen to make sure the kids do no grow up thinking this is normal, and continue the cycle....


 One of the difficulties in counseling abused children is again, the trust factor. Here you got probably months or years of "don't tell" from the family until it gets out and the court orders therapy and counseling for the child... the child is now expected to break "family secrets" to a person who is relatively a stranger. Likewise it's sometimes not always just *ONE* family member doing the molesting. So if older brother/sister Tommy/Sally gets caught and is in a whole heap of trouble... what does the child do about the fact that Daddy/Mommy was also doing it? It happens, ugly but it does happen. What about Daddy's boss? Or the neighbor down the street? How can a child be convinced (gently) that it's okay to tell for their own good? So that they can heal or at least begin the process of healing? 

Remember a number of years ago there was a thing called "false memory syndrome"?? That is still in place and still in a lot of people's minds. It also fuels the denial that a lot of adults feel when hearing about their child being a victim. No, Jane was saying that because she was mad at Dad for not letting her go to her best friend's birthday party. Was it true? How do we know for sure? Only time will tell. And if it turns out to be a lie, what an opportunity for a potential molestation to take place. The Cry Wolf might work in the offender's favor. 

Seems that kids just can't get a break these days.


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## MJS (Feb 26, 2008)

I think this is an important area that should be discussed with every child.  Parents should teach their children the difference between good and bad touching.  Nothing wrong with a family member giving a child a hug, but if that person does something the child doesn't feel comfortable with, the child should tell their parents.

Problem is, is that many times, the offending person, could make a threat to the child, scaring them into not telling anyone.  Of course, this not only applies to family members, but anyone.

Checking the sex offender registry, and teaching your children are 2 good ways to start the prevention process.

Mike


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## Guardian (Feb 26, 2008)

MJS said:


> I think this is an important area that should be discussed with every child. Parents should teach their children the difference between good and bad touching. Nothing wrong with a family member giving a child a hug, but if that person does something the child doesn't feel comfortable with, the child should tell their parents.
> 
> Problem is, is that many times, the offending person, could make a threat to the child, scaring them into not telling anyone. Of course, this not only applies to family members, but anyone.
> 
> ...


 
*Amen to this one, remember when you are talking to kids, their attention spans are very thin, think easy and quick reminders, they can remember that, going into detail at young ages isn't always the best way to go, sometimes to much information is a bad thing for a young mind.*


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## BrandiJo (Feb 26, 2008)

It any child care class, or staff training i have ever had to take i have always been told that the best way to protect your child is to help them relise that they are their own person, and their body is their own space. That means that they dont have to give scary aunt Amy a hug  the 5 times a year that they see her. It means that when a stranger approaches them you accept that they scream/cry/hide behind you. It means you watch their body cues and don't make them always give you a hug/kiss bye each day cus their body is their body and they can make the choice who touches them and who doesnt. Obviously grab a child running into the street, but unless hte child is about to be harmed you should watch their cues for the contact they want from you. This (so i have been told i dont have children of my own) allows them to know who should and shouldnt touch them (even in friendly ways) but will allow them the power to move away, run away, and tell an adult right away because they know Mom or Dad never makes them do anything with their body they dont want to do.

From what i understand most sexual molestations are people who work their way into a family befriend them and then go after the child after mom trusts you with the kid, it could be the friendly guy at the park who always talks and smiles and keeps an extra eye on your child to help out, or the neighbor down the street who really wants to talk about little jonhy staying out after the street lights come on. But because your child knows that any touch they do not want unless nessacary (and then you should always explain why your doing something the child does not want) is bad and they need to talk to you about it right away, is supposed to really help. (again off of classes i have taken... no children of my own so take it with a grain of salt.


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