# Teenage Daughter Owner Manual



## shesulsa (Mar 2, 2007)

Teenage Daughter Owner's Manual




Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund). 

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.  Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse. 

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required. 

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this. 

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents." 

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. 

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different. 

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work. 

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.


----------



## morph4me (Mar 2, 2007)

:lfao: it's twoo, it's twoo


----------



## Brian R. VanCise (Mar 2, 2007)

:rofl:


----------



## Drac (Mar 2, 2007)

I dated the Mother of one of these and believe me it was no picnic..The older versions require jewlery, vehicles,  etc...etc..and there are 3 levels of maintence.

1.High
2.Ultra High
3.OMG


----------



## JBrainard (Mar 2, 2007)

I printed that one out for my mother in law. She has an 18 year old daughter that, surprisingly enough, fits that description perfectly. :lol:


----------



## fnorfurfoot (Mar 2, 2007)

My five year old is already showing symptoms of a teenager.  I'm doomed.


----------



## Drac (Mar 2, 2007)

fnorfurfoot said:


> My five year old is already showing symptoms of a teenager. I'm doomed.


 
AT 5 years old??? Stick the fork in your done...


----------



## shesulsa (Mar 2, 2007)

Yes ... makes you reminisce to when they toddled around in their little diapers uttering those precious first words ...

"Mama"
"Dada"
"Visa"

:lol2:


----------



## tellner (Mar 2, 2007)

By the time they're fit to live with they're living with someone else. All you can do is get them to reproductive age and then try to keep them from reproducing for a few years


----------



## Jade Tigress (Mar 2, 2007)

I _have _a teenaged daughter. Everything in that post is true. Pray for me.


----------



## exile (Mar 2, 2007)

Jade Tigress said:


> I _have _a teenaged daughter. Everything in that post is true. Pray for me.



We will, Pam, honest! And notice that last little note of hope at the very end of the piece... you have to hold on to that and keep telling yourself it's true... it ties in with the joke that I think James Joyce told, about how when he was fifteen his father was so dumb, and how, when he was twenty-one, he was amazed to find how much the old man had learned in only six years...


----------



## Jade Tigress (Mar 2, 2007)

exile said:


> We will, Pam, honest! And notice that last little note of hope at the very end of the piece... you have to hold on to that and keep telling yourself it's true... it ties in with the joke that I think James Joyce told, about how when he was fifteen his father was so dumb, and how, when he was twenty-one, he was amazed to find how much the old man had learned in only six years...



LOL! Yep, so true. And that last little piece was great. I have to say, while so it alot worse. *knock on wood*  She turned 16 in November. *sigh*


----------



## zDom (Mar 2, 2007)

exile said:


> We will, Pam, honest! And notice that last little note of hope at the very end of the piece... you have to hold on to that and keep telling yourself it's true... it ties in with the joke that I think James Joyce told, about how when he was fifteen his father was so dumb, and how, when he was twenty-one, he was amazed to find how much the old man had learned in only six years...



That is a great quote 

What was that one that advised teenagers to move out now while they still know everything?


----------



## arnisador (Mar 2, 2007)

Our 12 year old is there already...is there a "God save me" smiley?


----------



## shesulsa (Mar 2, 2007)

Mine's 14 going on 30.

*sits in lotus position & takes a few deep breaths*

ilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughter

:shrug: *pulls daughter's plunge neckline higher so her cleavage isn't revealed, receives snotty look*

ilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughterilovemydaughter


----------



## donna (Mar 2, 2007)

"your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. "

Mine is worse!! She has moved in with the dreaded ...."Trolley Boy"


----------



## morph4me (Mar 2, 2007)

shesulsa said:


> Mine's 14 going on 30.
> 
> *sits in lotus position & takes a few deep breaths*
> 
> ...


 
Remember the mothers curse, "I hope some day you have a daughter just like you":EG:


----------



## FearlessFreep (Mar 2, 2007)

I have a 12 yo daughter and now I'm scared....

I have a 7 yo daughter who seems to already be moving into this....


----------



## Makalakumu (Mar 3, 2007)

I've got a five year old and she was contrary, bullheaded, and fickle right out of the box.  This owner's manual implies that some sort of "change" is supposed to occur?


----------



## Drac (Mar 3, 2007)

morph4me said:


> Remember the mothers curse, "I hope some day you have a daughter just like you":EG:


 
My step daughter had that exact curse visited on her..I am NOT allowed to speak to HER daughter otherwise I might destroy the illusion that Mommy was a good girl that stayed home at night and baked cookies and cared not for materal things or men...Her Sister told me she would set the record straight for the child..


----------



## rustyself (Mar 3, 2007)

well, ive got 2 13 year old girls.  and an 8 year old girl.  and a 5 year old boy.  they like to pick on me.  alot.  when my 5 year old boy has had enough, he goes into my closet, opens my golf bag, gets a wedge and chases them around the house with it.


----------



## fnorfurfoot (Mar 3, 2007)

morph4me said:


> Remember the mothers curse, "I hope some day you have a daughter just like you":EG:


I've been told that my Mother-in-law placed this curse on my wife.  Now I have to suffer along with her.  Unfair!!!


----------

