# A selection of jokes.



## hardheadjarhead

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by   
her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and   
rode off into the sunset."   

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have   
problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground.   
A burro is an ***. At your age it's time to learn the   
difference."   
--------------
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of   
children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around   
to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl   
who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.   

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."   

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God   
looks like."   

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the   
girl replied, "They will in a minute."   
-------------

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours   
in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world   
around him.   

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"   

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't   
rightly know, Son."   

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to   
his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"   

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, Son."   

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky   
blue?"   

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, Son."   

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do   
you mind my asking you all of these questions?"   

"Of course not, Son. If you don't ask questions, you'll   
remain ignorant and never learn anything."   
--------------

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring   
books.   

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss   
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."   

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any   
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any   
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm   
getting at?"   

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all the freakin'  
crayons?"   
----------------
The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."   

His astonished mother tearfully exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long   
to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"   

The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."


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## Gin-Gin

Thanks, Steve--those are great too! (especially the last one) :rofl:


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## shesulsa

Steve - those are golden!!

 "up til now..."  hee hee heee   :boing2::boing1::boing2::lol::roflmao::rofl:


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## Sarah

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."


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## OUMoose

Sarah said:
			
		

> The Test
> 
> Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
> cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
> live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
> to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
> all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
> 
> The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
> apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
> shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
> face or you'll be eaten."
> 
> The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
> in pain, so he was killed.
> 
> The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
> king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
> should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
> ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
> 
> The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
> asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
> second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
> coming with pineapples."




 :erg:  

:lol:


----------



## Rich Parsons

hardheadjarhead said:
			
		

> -------------
> 
> A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours
> in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world
> around him.
> 
> He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
> 
> The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't
> rightly know, Son."



The Boat floats by displacing more volume of water then its mass.



			
				hardheadjarhead said:
			
		

> The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to
> his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
> 
> Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, Son."



They have gills and the gills take the oxygen out of the water for them to breath like lungs take the oxygen out of the air. Just a different kind of fluid.



			
				hardheadjarhead said:
			
		

> A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky
> blue?"
> 
> Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, Son."



The sky is blue do to the Ozone and the refraction of light.



			
				hardheadjarhead said:
			
		

> Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do
> you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
> 
> "Of course not, Son. If you don't ask questions, you'll
> remain ignorant and never learn anything."
> --------------



I just did not want anayone to remain ignorant  :rofl:

Sorry I could not resist.


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## Sarah

hehe


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## Sarah

*[font=Verdana, Arial]Things to do in the bathroom stall...*

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

[/font]


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## Ping898

LOL....Sarah that was great! Thanks for the laugh...:lol:


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## Sarah

Glad you like....my work mates were looking at me weird because I was laughing out loud while reading it, just had to share!



			
				Ping898 said:
			
		

> LOL....Sarah that was great! Thanks for the laugh...:lol:


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## Rynocerous

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went To the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and 
discussion,they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded,so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get
expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to 
discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.. 
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from 
God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a 
little old lady stood up and in her Frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from 
God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers". And the Congregation said, "Amen.

Cheers,

Ryan


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## KenpoTex

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:


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## Rynocerous

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.  The parents stop and his mom quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around her.  
"What were you and dad doing?" The boy asks his parents.
"Well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.", she explains.
"Your wasting your time," says the boy.  "Every time you go shopping, the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Cheers,

Ryan


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## BrandiJo

oh that ones great Rynocerous


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## shesulsa

Rynocerous said:
			
		

> "Your wasting your time," says the boy. "Every time you go shopping, the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."


 LMFAOROFL


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## KenpoTex

That's ********** hilarious :roflmao:


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## Rynocerous

*[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]What Do Women Really Want?[/font]*[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

She asked him which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

The Moral of the Story: It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch![/font]


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## Rynocerous

*[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]What gender is it?[/font]*[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]If you're like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example.........

1) Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can
see right through them.

2) Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.[/font] 

Cheers,​
Ryan​


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## shesulsa

Rynocerous said:
			
		

> The Moral of the Story:  It does't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch!


 That's right!  And IN CHARGE, TOO!  Don't forget it! :ultracool



			
				Rynocerous said:
			
		

> 2) Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.  It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.


 More toner, darnit!!  More toner!!!!


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## Sarah

Rynocerous said:
			
		

> [font=Courier New, Courier, mono]4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
> 
> 5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.[/font]


HAHA...thats funny as hell!!

Thanks for the laughs Ryan!


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## Raewyn

*[font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Understanding a Woman[/font]*

​[font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]We need      [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    I want
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]You want   [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]   You need
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]It's your decision    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]   The correct decision should be obvious by now.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]We need to talk   [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]  I need to complain
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Do what you want    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    You'll pay for this later.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]You're ... so manly    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Sure... go ahead    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]  I don't want you to.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'm not upset    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]   Of course I'm upset, you moron!
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]You're certainly attentive tonight.    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]   Is sex all you ever think about?
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!     [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]      I'm on my period.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Be romantic, turn out the lights.    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]     I'm Embarrassed
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]This kitchen is so inconvenient       [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS  [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]   I want a new house.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]You have to learn to communicate.    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]   Just agree with me.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Yes   [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    No
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]No   [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]   No
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Maybe    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    No
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I heard a noise    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    I noticed you were almost asleep.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Do you love me?    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]   I'm going to ask for something expensive.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]How much do you love me?    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    I did something you're not going to like.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'll be ready in a minute.   [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial] REALLY MEANS [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]   Be patient I'll be a while.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Am I a little fat?    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    Tell me I'm beautiful.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'm sorry.    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    You'll be sorry.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Do you like this recipe?    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Was that the baby?    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]I'm not yelling!    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]All we're going to buy is a soap dish    [/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REALLY MEANS[/font][font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]    Major shopping trip.  Did you bring your checkbook?
[/font]​


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## shesulsa

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in  Spanish, unlike in English, nouns are designed as either masculine or feminine.

 'house' for instance is feminine; "la casa"
 'pencil' however is masculine; "el lapiz"

 A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

 Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class up into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun.

 Each group was asked to provide four reasons for its recommendation.

 The males thought the computer should be feminine because:

 1.  No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

 2.  The native language they use to communicate to other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

 3.  Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

 4.  As soon as you make yourself a commitment to one, you wind up spending half your paycheck on accessories for the darn thing.

 ** wait - it gets better **

 The females, however, decided that the spanish noun for computer should definitely be masculine.

 1.  In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on first.

 2.  They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

 3.  They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.

 4.  As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.


 The women won. artyon:


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## KenpoTex

shesulsa said:
			
		

> The women won


 what the hell do you expect, the teacher was a woman.


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## shesulsa

kenpotex said:
			
		

> what the hell do you expect, the teacher was a woman.


 Aw, c'mon - you know very well that if the teacher had been a man, you would have said it was because he fell prey to their feminine wiles! :ultracool


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## OUMoose

shesulsa said:
			
		

> Aw, c'mon - you know very well that if the teacher had been a man, you would have said it was because he fell prey to their feminine wiles! :ultracool


Depends... what were they wearing when he said it?   :angel:


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## KenpoTex

shesulsa said:
			
		

> Aw, c'mon - you know very well that if the teacher had been a man, you would have said it was because he fell prey to their feminine wiles! :ultracool


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## Sarah

check out this funny ad...

http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?id=1976&type=coolad


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## Gin-Gin

shesulsa said:
			
		

> A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in  Spanish, unlike in English, nouns are designed as either masculine or feminine.
> The females, however, decided that the spanish noun for computer should definitely be masculine:
> 1.  In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on first.
> 2.  They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
> 3.  They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.
> 4.  As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model. The women won. artyon:


I love it! :ultracool


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## Sarah

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his penis. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"


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## TigerWoman

Rynocerous said:
			
		

> There was a preacher...
> God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a
> little old lady stood up and in her Frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from
> God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers". And the Congregation said, "Amen.



That was funny..

Also enjoyed yours Sarah, as usual, where do you come up with stuff? TW


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## Sarah

GOING TO THE GYNECOLOGIST
____________________________________
A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners: 

I was due later that week for an appointment with the  gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.  The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so  I didn't have any time to spare. 

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area". in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.  

Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table,  looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went
home. 

The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc  At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my
glitter and sparkles in it."


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## Ping898

:rofl: :roflmao: :roflmao: :rofl:


That was GREAT Sarah!!!


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## OUMoose

Lol!!


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## MA-Caver

Oh man!


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## Ceicei

Sarah, good one!!






 - Ceicei


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## Gin-Gin

Sarah said:
			
		

> GOING TO THE GYNECOLOGIST


*OMG--that is too funny!!!*
:lool: :lol: :roflmao: :rofl: :roflmao:


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## Sarah

*Giving More*​ 
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but Bullsh*t will put you over the top.

And look how far

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.


----------



## Sarah

*A Woman's Logic* 

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you are planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?" 





*Taste Test* 

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth. 

"Can you guess what it is?" 

"I don't know," said the boy. 

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning." 

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ***."


----------



## Chronuss

Sarah said:
			
		

> The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ***."


bahahahahahahahaha... LOL!  :roflmao:


----------



## Ping898

*A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a 
seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
"Well," he says, "actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in l987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else--a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head and replies,' No, they're all at the funeral."*


----------



## Sarah

*Dont think this has been posted before....*


*New Company Policy, Effective from January 2005* *
*
*Dress Code *

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If 
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are 
doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress

poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy 
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, 
you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 

*Sick Days 

*We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 

*Personal Days* 

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called 
Saturday & Sunday. 

*Bereavement Leave 
*
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead 
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to 
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee 
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in 
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early. 

*Toilet Use 
*
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three 
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second 
offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under 
the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be 
sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. 

*Lunch Break 
*
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch 
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 
5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a 
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 
J


----------



## BrandiJo

oh very nice


----------



## hardheadjarhead

A young man goes into the confessional booth.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned," he says.

"And what is your sin, my son?" the Priest asks.

"Forgive me father, for I have lusted.  You see, I'm a UPS delivery man.  The other day I was delivering in a nicer section of town, and at the door of this mansion an absolutely stunning woman answers.  Oh, Father...she was wearing practically nothing and she was _gorgeous_.  She had a perfect body and movie star good looks.  After signing for the package, she leaned forward and whispered in my ear, asking if I'd like to come in and keep her company for the afternoon...and it was my last delivery of the day!"

"And did you go in, young man?"

"No father.  I didn't."

"Then what was your sin?"

"Well, I lusted, father.  I mean I REALLY lusted."

"Fear not, my son.  You will get your reward in Heaven."

"I...I will?  What reward will that be, father?"

"Oh, I'd say about a bale of hay, you jackass!"



Regards,


Steve


----------



## asangria

These made my day. Thanks for the laughs


----------



## Sarah

Happy Valentines day all

http://www.wimp.com/valentine/


----------



## BrandiJo

thats very scary sarah


----------



## kid

ATM procedures of male and female

MALE PROCEDURE 



1 Drive up to the cash machine. 

2 Put down your car window. 
 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 

 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 

 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt 

6 Put window up 

 7 Drive off 



FEMALE PROCEDURE 



 1 Drive up to cash machine 

 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to 
machine 

3 Set parking Break, Put the window down 

 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to 
locate 

card. 

 5 Turn the radio down 

 6 Attempt to insert card into machine 

7 Attempt to insert card into machine 

 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine 

due to its excessive distance from the car 

 9 Insert card 

 10 Re-insert card the right way up 

11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on 
the 

 inside back page 

 12 Enter PIN. 

 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 

 14 Enter amount of cash required 

 15 Check make up in rear view mirror 

 16 Retrieve cash and receipt 

 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside 

 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook 
19 Re-check make-up again 

 20 Drive forwards 2 feet 

21 Reverse back to cash machine 

 22 Retrieve card 

 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card 

 into the slot provided 

 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male 
drivers 

queuing behind 

 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off 

26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles 

27 Release Parking Break


----------



## Raewyn

[font=@Arial Unicode MS]A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]morning business flight.[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS][/font] 

[font=@Arial Unicode MS]Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]
[/font]
*[font=@Arial Unicode MS]Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS][/font] 
[font=@Arial Unicode MS]God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]draft before the masterpiece![/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS][/font] *


----------



## Gin-Gin

Raisin said:
			
		

> [font=@Arial Unicode MS]A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving[/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS] [/font][font=@Arial Unicode MS]each other the silent treatment.



Good one, Raewyn! :rofl:


----------



## kid

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband inquired, "Who was that?" to which the wife replied, "I don't  know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."


----------



## Gin-Gin

kid said:
			
		

> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband inquired, "Who was that?" to which the wife replied, "I don't  know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."


Classic! :rofl:


----------



## Raewyn

kid said:
			
		

> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband inquired, "Who was that?" to which the wife replied, "I don't  know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."


 Gold star for that one!!!


----------



## kid

thank you Rasin since your diggin the blonde jokes heres two more.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." 

A friend says, "OK,what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh,that's easy: W."


----------



## kid

and for my encore



Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." 

The second blonde says, "Here,let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


----------



## shesulsa

Sarah said:
			
		

> Happy Valentines day all
> 
> http://www.wimp.com/valentine/


 Okay - where'd you get the rendering of my husband's private love dance??


----------



## Sarah

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. 

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question? 

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. 

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. 

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. 

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


----------



## kid

Alcohol Warnings


The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, 
such 
as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering 
when 
you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an 
askhole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring 
story 
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like 
thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers 
are 
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell 
happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the 
morning 
and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't 
remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable 
rug 
burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are 
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named 
Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are 
invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are 
laughing 
WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the 
space-time 
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to 
"disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.


----------



## Gin-Gin

kid said:
			
		

> Alcohol Warnings


Those are great--thanks! :lol: :lol:


----------



## kid

I thought that people would get a good laugh out of them.


----------



## kid

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee 
and
the
 fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, 'My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to
him!'
The second man said, 'My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multiline
dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new
Mercedes, fully loaded.'
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, 'My son is a
stockbroker,
and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.'
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking 
care
of
business. The first man mentioned, 'We were just talking about our 
sons'
successes."
The fourth man replied, 'Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay
bar.'
The other three men grew silent as he continued,
'I'm not totally thrilled
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well.
His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."


----------



## lulflo

Two blondes are sitting on their front porch one night in Michigan. One says to the other, "Which do you think is further, Florida or the Moon"? The second one says, "duh, can you _SEE_ Florida"?


There are three men on an expedition through the dense jungles of Africa. They get overtaken by a tribe and taken to the river where they are tied to trees. One of the men in the tribe speaks english and says to the three men that they have one wish before they are to die. The first says he wants one last meal, so they throw an animal on the fire and feed it to him. They then skin the man alive and he dies. The second one asks to have one last time with a woman, so they allow him to take care of business with one of the women. Then they skin him alive and he dies. The third one asks why they are being skinned alive, and the tribesman says that they will use the skin to line the bottom of their canoes. So the man asks for his last wish, to have a fork. The tribesman, confused, hands him the fork. The third man starts stabbing himself repeatedly while shouting, "I HOPE YOUR CANOES SINK"!!!!!!

Larry


----------



## kid

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." 

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." 

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." 

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."


----------



## kid

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"






A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


----------



## Gin-Gin

kid said:
			
		

> thank you Rasin since your diggin the blonde jokes heres two more


Hey,  I like blonde jokes too!  Wanna know how blondes print Word documents?


----------



## Gin-Gin

Sarah said:
			
		

> Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
> A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
> Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
> A: No, 35 children is enough.


:lol: Those a great, Sarah! :lol:


----------



## Gin-Gin

lulflo said:
			
		

> Two blondes are sitting on their front porch one night in Michigan. One says to the other, "Which do you think is further, Florida or the Moon"? The second one says, "duh, can you _SEE_ Florida"?


:lol: Good one!


			
				lulflo said:
			
		

> So the man asks for his last wish, to have a fork. The tribesman, confused, hands him the fork. The third man starts stabbing himself repeatedly while shouting, "I HOPE YOUR CANOES SINK"!!!!!!
> Larry


*Ouch!!* Not sure about that one, Larry... 


			
				kid said:
			
		

> The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


:rofl: Great one!! :rofl:


----------



## lulflo

My jokes have a pattern, one bad for every good. If I offend, tell me and I will not post the "on the fence" jokes in the future, I of course mean no harm. 

   Thanks - Larry

 So this guy is walking down the beach and sees a girl with no arms and no legs who is softly sobbing to herself, he decides to talk to her and ask what is wrong. She says "um, well...(shyly) I have never been embraced by a man". as she blushes. The gentleman says he will take care of that and takes her in his arms and gives her a wonderfully warm hug. He sets her back up in her spot and she thanks him kindly and he is off along his way. When he walks back a little later, he sees the same woman, but this time she is obviously crying, so again he decides to talk to her. This time, hesitantly, she states that she has never been kissed by a man. He takes a look around, then looks her straight into the eyes and plants one on her, and I mean a REAL kiss. She blushes, and he blushes and briskly walks away. That night he happens by the same spot and hears someone balling their eyes out. When he goes to investigate, sure enough, it is the same lady. He is not sure he wants to ask, but he does anyway. This time she says she has never been, (bluntly) screwed by a man. He takes a look at her, picks her up and throws her in the ocean and shouts, "You have now"

   That one is bad, I know.

 So there are three guys on top of a skyscraper and the first guy takes a bottle out of his jacket and takes a swig of it. He is stumbling towards the edge and shouts out that the drink was so good that he feels like he can fly (staggering all the while). So he takes a step off of the building and sure enough begins to fly all around the top of the building. When he finally lands back on the building, the second guy swiftly takes the bottle from the first guy and tips it back all the way. He also concurs that the drink was so good that he thinks that HE can fly, so he takes one step off of the top of the building and....plummets to his demise on the ground below. 

   The third guy says to the first guy, "That was messed up, Superman"!!


----------



## Sarah

hehehehe..very good!




			
				kid said:
			
		

> A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
> 
> In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
> 
> Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
> 
> The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


----------



## kid

[font=times new roman,helvetica]*Blonde Car Accident*

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


[/font]


----------



## lulflo

The same guy passes the same three guys sitting on a set of steps everyday, they never seem to move. So one day he goes and talks to them and says &quot;You three have got to be the laziest bunch of guys I have ever seen, I'll give twenty bucks to the one who can prove they are the laziest&quot;. The first one jumps up with his hand out and says give me the twenty bucks, I'm so lazy that I don't have a job to pay for my food or beer. The man looks at the second guy, he stays in the same place and says that he is the laziest and should get the twenty bucks and stops talking. The man looks at the third guy who just sits there, doesn't move or say anything. The man waits for five minutes and exclaims that the third guy is definetely the laziest one and pulls out the twenty bucks and holds it out for the third guy, but he still doesn't move. The man says, hey buddy, here's your twenty bucks, don't you want it?!! The third guy looks at the man, waits a second and says, &quot;Could you put it in my pocket&quot;?


----------



## kid

Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim. 

"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!" 

"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered. 

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"


----------



## Raewyn

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


----------



## kid

those are so true.  i am still laughing.


----------



## Raewyn

kid said:
			
		

> those are so true.  i am still laughing.


 I could'nt resist poking a bit of at you Americans!!!!!!


----------



## Rich Parsons

Raisin said:
			
		

> 10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



:rofl:

I know I always laughed and still laugh at this one


----------



## TigerWoman

Those were pretty American too.  Thanks Raisin.  I was just thinking about that drugstore thing too.  Our "new" Walgreens drugstore does have cigarettes up front and the counter way way in the back, but the Walmart has the pharmacy relatively up front.  The handicap spaces are everywhere.  I've noticed the old 70+ people have to walk slowly through the ice and snow from the parking lot while some supposedly handicapped people just park easy and don't appear to have a handicap.  Using the card I suppose.  Go figure. TW


----------



## lulflo

Minnesota's 'Best Ever' Rum Cake

1 Tsp. Sugar
1 C. Dried Fruit
1 Tsp. Soda
2 Lg. Eggs
Lemon Juice
1 Or 2 Qt. Of Rum
Brown Sugar
1 C. Butter
Baking Powder
Nuts

Before Starting, Sample Rum To Check Quality. Good Isn't It? Now Proceed. Select Large Mixing Bowl, Measuring Cup, Etc. Check Rum Again. It Must Be Just Right. To Be Sure Rum Is Of Proper Quality, Pour One Cup Of Rum Into A Glass And Drink It As Fast As You Can. Repeat. With An Electric Mixer, Beat 1 Cup Of Butter In A Large Fluffy Bowl. Add 1 Seaspoon Of Thugar And Beat Again. Meanwhile, Make Sure Rum Is Still All Right. Try Another Cup. Open Second Quart If Necessary. Add Leggs, 2 Cups Of Fried Druit And Beat Till High. If Druit Gets Stuck In Beaters, Pry Loose With Drewscriber. Sample Rum Again, Checking For Tonscisicity. Next, Sift 3 Cups Of Pepper, Or Salt (it Really Doesn't Matter). Sample Rum. Sift 1/2 Pint Lemon Juice. Fold In Chopped Butter And Strained Nuts. Add One Bablespoon Of Brown Sugar - Or Whatever Color You Can Find. Wix Mell. Grease Oven. Turn Cake Pan To 350 Degrees. Pour Mess Into Boven And Ake. Check Rum Again And Go To Bed.


----------



## Raewyn

Glad to know the Amercians here have a real good sense of humor


I hope nobody really gets offended by this, it's all just for fun)

*To the citizens of the United States of America...*

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'). You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'. 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents  Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". 

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. 

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). 

Thank you for your cooperation.


----------



## KenpoTex

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:


> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.


 yeah, and the brits can look up "REVOLUTION" (just in case their memory has dimmed with the passage of time).


> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.


 Sounds good to me (can we include Mexico too?)


> You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


 Uh Yeah, that's worked real well over there hasn't it...  


> Thank you for your cooperation


 Kiss our collective A$$es!


----------



## mj_lover

nice one raisin! when does it go into effect?  :ultracool


----------



## kid

TigerWoman said:
			
		

> Those were pretty American too. Thanks Raisin. I was just thinking about that drugstore thing too. Our "new" Walgreens drugstore does have cigarettes up front and the counter way way in the back, but the Walmart has the pharmacy relatively up front. The handicap spaces are everywhere. I've noticed the old 70+ people have to walk slowly through the ice and snow from the parking lot while some supposedly handicapped people just park easy and don't appear to have a handicap. Using the card I suppose. Go figure. TW


Actually i am working at a walgreens until i finish college.  Our pharmacy is in the back of the store also.  But we have a drive through.  So all you have to do is call ahead and they get your prescription ready then you drive through.  Don't go to walmart they are evil.


----------



## FearlessFreep

_So all you have to do is call ahead and they get your prescription ready then you drive through._

 As I was going through the list of jokes, the thing that struck me about them is that most of them fall into the category of what I tend to call "seinfield humour". That is, humour about a situation that's only funny as long as you play stupid and don't actually think about the situation. Most of those really have logical or reasonable rationale if you think about it for a few seconds, so for the humour to work, you kinda have to stop thinking  In contrast with, say, George Carlin's or Robin Willaims styles that usually tend to go from being 'merely silly' to 'really absurdly funny' the more you think about it


----------



## kid

FearlessFreep said:
			
		

> _So all you have to do is call ahead and they get your prescription ready then you drive through._
> 
> "seinfield humour". That is, humour about a situation that's only funny as long as you play stupid and don't actually think about the situation.


Our Walgreens store is open 24 hours everyday of the year.  And yet they put locks on the doors.


----------



## kid

Raisin


That was a *BURN!!!!!*
Naw, it was great thanks.


----------



## FearlessFreep

_Our Walgreens store is open 24 hours everyday of the year. And yet they put locks on the doors._

Perfect example.

Doors are standardized.  The door to one store comes from the same manufacturer as the door from another store.  They all come with locks.  Walgreens doesn't 'put locks on the doors'; they just hire a contractor to install doors and the contractor buys the doors and the doors come with locks.  Walgreen could spec out that the doors be made without locks, by why bother?   I don't think anyone makes them so it would be an added cost all the way down the line to make lockless doors.

Also, even 24 hour places will sometimes lock some doors at certain slow periods (like late at night) to direct traffic  (I've seen this in grocery stores a lot and I would guess it would be for the sake of security if people are coming in and leaving through one entrance and there is not enough traffic to require multiple entrances and not enough security on hand during slow periods.

I've also seen '24 hour 365 day' places close occasionally for internal re-arranging and some kinds of inventory, it seems.

So, even a 24hour 365day a year place could ossaionally need to lock doors, and even if they don't, why bother the extra trouble of ordering non-lockable doors?


----------



## kid

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!


----------



## kid

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." 

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night." 
:rofl:


----------



## Raewyn

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, "That was a karate chop from Korea." 

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him, "That was a karate chop from China." 

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!"


----------



## Raewyn

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


----------



## lulflo

Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me "One" with everything.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

Q: How did the moron break his arm while raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.


----------



## FearlessFreep

_
Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me "One" with everything._

but then the Zen Buddhist asked for his change and the vendor said "Change must come from within"


----------



## lulflo

So when I was a kid, my mom was giving me her normal guilt trip about learning how to swim, her modes were anger and guilt. Well anyway, she told me that she was taken to the middle of the lake in a boat and they threw her into the lake, and THAT'S how they taught HER how to swim. She asked me what I thought about THAT!

I had had enough of the topic, so I asked her if she was sure that they were teaching her how to swim?


Question: If Bob shot the sheriff, then who the heck shot the deputy?

Question: Did you know that Binary code is read by 1 and 10.


----------



## FearlessFreep

_Did you know that Binary code is read by 1 and 10._

There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those that can count in binary and those that can't


----------



## kid

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" 

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"


----------



## lulflo

A blonde female gets pulled over by a blonde policewoman. The policewoman asks to see the blonde's license, the blonde says, "my what"? The police officer says, "the thing with your picture in it" After rummaging through her purse the blonde pulls out a compact, opens it up and says, "here it is" The blond police officer takes one look and says, "If I would have known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have bothered you"


----------



## Ping898

_*God said, "Adam, I **want you to do something for me."*_​_*Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"*_​
_*God said, "Go down into that valley."*_
_*Adam said, "What's a valley?"*_
_*God explained it to him. *_
_*Then God said, "Cross the river."*_
_*Adam said, "What's a river?"*_
_*God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."*_
_*Adam said, "What is a hill?"*_
_*So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.*_
_*He told Adam, "On the other side o a cave"*_
_*Adam said, "What's a cave?"*_
_*After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."*_
_*Adam said, "What's a woman?"*_
_*So God explained that to him, too.*_
_*Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."*_

_*God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."*_
_*And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.*_
_*So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.*_
_*Then, in about five minutes, he was back.*_
_*God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"*_
_*And Adam said*_
_***_
_***_
_***_
_***_
_***_
_***_
_***_
_***_
_***_
_***_
_***_
_*"What's a headache?*_


----------



## lulflo

God asked one of his angels one day to go down to earth to find out if humans are being good. 

The angel returned and reported that the humans were 95% bad. 

God couldn't believe it and asked another angel to go and confirm the report.

The second angel came back and assured God that the first angel was correct, 95% bad.

So god sent out an email to all the good humans to thank them for a job well done and to tell them to keep up the good work.

Ya know what he wrote in that email?




Yeah, me neither


----------



## lulflo

What do you call a black man flying a B-52 Plane?














    A Pilot, YOU RACIST.


----------



## Sarah

Lol


----------



## kid

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. 

The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. 

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" 

"No. What did that stupid **** do this time?", says the patron. 

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. 

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the little ****er because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. 

The guy finishes his drink and leaves. 

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. 

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. 

He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ***, then pulls it out and eats it. 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. 

"What now?", responds the patron. 

"Well, he stuck a grape up his ***, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper. 

"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
____________________________________________________________

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

She said, "Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
____________________________________________________________

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"

The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."

So the nuns left, each of them thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time.

The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"

And the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."

The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."

When the nun did, she was no longer a nun and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"

The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"


----------



## kid

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. 

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". 

He then taped it to his office door. 

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. 

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


kid


----------



## Raewyn

What is Kermit the Frog's middle name???







THE!


----------



## lulflo

An atheist was walking though the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
  "OH MY GOD! ..."
  Time stopped.
  The bear froze.
  The forest was silent.
  Even the river stopped moving ...
  As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
 "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
 Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "it would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
  "VERY WELL." Said God.
  The light went out.
  The river ran.
  The sounds of the forest resumed.
 ... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke; "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."


----------



## arnisador

Lol!


----------



## kid

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


----------



## kid

A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies, "I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."


----------



## Gin-Gin

kid said:
			
		

> A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. _________________________________________________________
> There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
> ____________________________________________________________
> Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"
> _____________________________________________________________
> The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


:lol: :lol:


----------



## Gin-Gin

lulflo said:
			
		

> God asked one of his angels one day to go down to earth to find out if humans are being good.
> ......Yeah, me neither
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _________________________________________________________________
> The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
> _________________________________________________________________
> An athiest goes for a walk in the woods...


 :rofl:


----------



## kid

Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?".

Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart." Jean Claud VanDam said, "I would be Bethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"
__________________________________________________________________________

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

___________________________________________________________________________
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"




kid


----------



## Gin-Gin

kid said:
			
		

> font]
> 
> A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
> _________________________________________________________________________
> What do you mean $200?"-kid


:rofl:


----------



## Rynocerous

I've been out of the loop for a while, but here's one from one of my fav movies! Women I appologize in advance, it is a bad one, and feel free to bust on me if need be!!!!


A woman walks into the bar with a duck under her arm and orders a drink. The bartender asks "what are you doing with that pig." 
The woman says "I beg your pardon, but this is a duck." 
The bartender looks at the woman and says, "I beg your pardon, but I was talking to the duck."

Sorry once again, but you must admit it is kinda funny...

Ryan


----------



## Rynocerous

I've been out of the loop for a while, but here's one from one of my fav movies! Women I appologize in advance, it is a bad one, and feel free to bust on me if need be!!!!


A woman walks into the bar with a duck under her arm and orders a drink. The bartender asks "what are you doing with that pig." 
The woman says "I beg your pardon, but this is a duck." 
The bartender looks at the woman and says, "I beg your pardon, but I was talking to the duck."

Sorry once again, but you must admit it is kinda funny...

Quoted from "Point of No Return"

Ryan


----------



## Ping898

*There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent jerk," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." *


----------



## lulflo

There were these two guys that ended up in a train car together and as they both sat down across from each other they immediately noticed that they both had a black eye on the same side. One man immediately said "what a coincidence, both of us sitting down in the same place and both having a black eye, what happened"? The second guy says that in the morning, he was going to buy his tickets to Pittsburgh and behind the counter, there was a beautiful blonde sitting there with huge breasts. He meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburgh, but what actually came out was "Can I get a picket to Tittsburgh"? So the blonde punched him in the eye. 

The first guy says I had a similar experience while eating breakfast with my wife this morning, I wanted her to pass the butter, but instead of saying can you pass the butter, what actually came out was, "YOU RUINED MY LIFE *****"!


----------



## lulflo

Three midgets meet at the bar every Monday night. One day, one says to the others, "My feet are so small, I wonder if they are the smallest in the world?" The others encourage him to check it out and tell him about it the next week.

 Next week he comes into the bar very excited and says "My feet are in the book...of world records!" They all say cheers and have a round on him. Then his friend says, you know, my hands are pretty small, I haven't seen any smaller, so they encourage him to check it out and tell them how it goes the following Monday. 

  Next week he comes in and shouts that he has the smallest hands in the world, they all say cheers and enjoy a round on him.

 Now the third guy looks at his regular sized hands and feet, then to his pants and says quietly, "I might have the smallest, you know, thinger" The other two look at each other and in the midst of celebration of their accomplishment, tell the third that he should check it out. 

 So enthused by his friends, he decides to go for it. He comes back in the next week and his friends are already there. They ask, "Well, how did it go?" The third guy yells out, "Who the hell is Kaith Rustaz?"

  (feel free to insert the name of the person you are telling the joke - obviously)


----------



## Swordlady

Okay...I think us females need to take a *little* revenge here:  

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a 
large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the 
other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man 
prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to 
cross this river." 

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was 
able to swim across the river in about two hours, after 
almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second 
man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength 
...and the tools to cross this river." 

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across 
the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat 
a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked 
out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, 
"Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the 
intelligence...to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. 
She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, 
then walked across the bridge.


----------



## Swordlady

Hehehe...

Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so that you can vacume.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

What did God say after He created man?
"I can do better than that."

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.


----------



## lulflo

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

  Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.  What's the problem?"

  "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

  "Gee, that's tough," he replied.

  "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

  "Wow.  Two parents gone in two months.  No wonder you're depressed."

  "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

  "Three close family members lost in three months?  How sad."

  "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"


----------



## MA-Caver

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the MA-Instructor  was dead on their porch.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
President Bush took questions yesterday and talked about the latest developments in the aftermath of Katrina.

When another reporter asked what he thought of Roe vs. Wade, he said, "I don't really care how people chose to get out of New Orleans."
--------------------------------------------------------
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
------------------------------------------------------------------------


----------



## Ping898

*Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the 
beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. *

* The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be 
queezy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle 
it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

 The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for 
washing our hair."

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put
 a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't 
forget the curlers."*


----------



## Raewyn

*A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.**After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!! *

*The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.*

* In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things... *

*1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. *

*2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. *

*3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. *

*4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and *

*5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! *

*Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" *

*The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;*

* "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."*


----------



## ppko

Me likey lol


----------



## ppko

*Lotto Joke*

A woman walks into a convenience store and walks up to the counter. she asks for a pack of ciggarettes, and a lotto ticket. she pays, and then scratches the ticket before she leaves. lo-and-behold, the ticket was the grand prize winner, and she won 5 million dollars, so she hops in the car and speeds home to her husband.

The woman barges in the front door and proudly exclaims "honey, pack your bags! I won 5 million dollars in the lotto!"

The husband hears this from upstairs and shouts back, "honey, that's amazing! what should I pack? beach stuff or mountain stuff?" to which the wife quickly replies "I don't care, just get the hell out!" 




(one for the ladies)


----------



## Raewyn

verra nice!!!!


----------



## ppko

There were two antennas sitting on top of a roof, they decided to get married.


The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great.


----------



## ppko

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 in the morning, he leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied.??? Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea," he exclaimed..

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"


----------



## ppko

Q; Who is the first irishman outside everyspring?


A; Patty-O-Furniture


----------



## ppko

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto." 

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." 

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"


----------



## Navarre

A student in the ancient art of the blade sat before the great master.  The master asked the student to show that his technique was superior.

The student watched as a fly wandered past.  With a blinding flash, the student drew his sword and struck.  The fly landed on the floor, cut cleanly in half.

"Who is Master now, old one?", sneered the student.

The master smiled.  As a mosquito happened by the master, with equally blinding speed, withdrew his sword and swung at the mosquito. ... Yet the mosquito flew on, seemingly untouched.

"Ha Ha, old man! Mosquito lives!", mocked the student.

"Yes," replied the master with a quiet smile, "But now mosquito not have children."


----------



## The Kai

If you were to fill a room with 100 various martial artists, how many times would you hear that joke?


----------



## Navarre

The odds of hearing it are about 100%, I'd say. Yet it wasn't posted yet so somebody had to say it. I still think it's funny.


----------



## Gin-Gin

Navarre said:
			
		

> "Yes," replied the master with a quiet smile, "But now mosquito not have children."


:lol: Good one!





			
				ppko said:
			
		

> Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"





			
				ppko said:
			
		

> "Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"


:rofl:


----------



## Gin-Gin

Raewyn said:
			
		

> "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."[/size][/font][/b]


:rofl:


----------



## mj-hi-yah

Navarre said:
			
		

> "Yes," replied the master with a quiet smile, "But now mosquito not have children."


:rofl: We could have used him in the vasectomy thread!


----------



## arnisador

That's an old one! We should just assign it a number...martial arts joke #6.

The "buy a ticket" joke is funny!


----------



## lulflo

A teacher assigned her students to come up with a story that has a moral in the end.

 The next day, when Billy was asked for his story, he said "when we were bringing the eggs to the city to sell, we had them all in the back of the truck in one large box. We hit a bump and the box fell out of the truck and all the eggs broke."
   The Moral of the story:  Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 Rachel was next and she explained that she also lived on a farm and that several times a year they would incubate eggs to hatch. The last time they incubated 11 eggs and only 8 of them hatched. 
   The Moral of the story:  Don't count your chickens until they hatch.

 Then it was Johnny's turn and he said, "My Uncle Steve was in the Vietnam war and his helicopter was shot down, he was the only survivor and had in his possession a flask of whiskey, an M-16, and a machete. First he downed the whiskey so the enemy could not take it away, then unfortunately he was surrounded by 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He killed 70 of them with his M-16 and it ran out of bullets, so he killed 20 more with his machete until it broke, the last 10 were killed with his bare hands."
   The Moral of the story:  Don't **** with Uncle Steve when he's drunk!


----------



## Navarre

Man, I'd better get sone new material. I'm getting booed off the stage.

Sincerely, Black Belt #12.


----------



## Gin-Gin

_One for the guys:_

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and delivered it to the gentleman. 

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. 

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back." 

_and one for the gals:_

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 

"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"


----------



## ppko

Here is some jokes for the Women

1.   What is the thinnest book in the world?
          What men know about women.
2.   How does a man take a bubble bath?
          He eats beans for dinner.
3.   Whats a mans idea of foreplay?
          A half hour of begging.
4.   How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
          He's breathing
5.   What's the difference between men and government bonds?
          Government bonds mature
6.   How do you save a man from drowning?
          Take your foot off his head
7.   What do men and beer bottles have in common?
          They are both empty from the neck up
8.   How can you tell if a man is happy?
          Who cares
9.   How are men and parking spots alike?
          The good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped.
10.  Whats a mans idea of helping with the housework?
          Lifting his leg so you can vacuum


Hopefully the women enjoyed and the men don't beat me up to bad (crouches in fetal position ready to take a whupping from the fellow men)


----------



## OnlyAnEgg

From my wife...oy, vey!

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Moishe."

 Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman.  There's a guy who did everything right.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab.  It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis.  He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer.  Could remember everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger.  "Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

"Passenger"  Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow.  How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."


----------



## BrandiJo

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, " Why in the world are you dressed like this? " The Cowboy says, "Well, it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her... so I did." "We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt..so I did."  "Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did." "Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did." Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now, go to town, Cowboy...... "  And, here I am.


----------



## BrandiJo

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish
because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want
to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God
is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

then there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE... BE HAPPY.


----------



## Ping898

*The judge said to the double-homicide defendant, 
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You jerk!"
The judge ignored the outburst and continued, "You're also charged 
with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The same voice yelled out, "You lying jerk!"
The judge looked sternly at the man who yelled and said, "Sir, you may be angry and frustrated by this man's crimes, but one more outburst from you and I'll find you in contempt of court. Do you understand?"
The man replied, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but I've lived next door to that bastard for the past fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!" 
*


----------



## Gin-Gin

Ping898 said:
			
		

> *The man replied, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but I've lived next door to that bastard for the past fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!" *


:rofl:





			
				BrandiJo said:
			
		

> NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE... BE HAPPY.


:rofl:


----------



## Kreth

A divorce lawyer looks up at Mickey Mouse, who's on the witness stand. "So, Mr. Mouse, am I to understand that you wish to divorce your poor wife because of her mentall illness?"
Mickey looks at him dumbfounded for a minute, then blurts out, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was ****ing Goofy."


----------



## Rick Wade

Gin-Gin said:
			
		

> _One for the guys:_
> 
> The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and delivered it to the gentleman.
> 
> The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
> 
> After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
> 
> It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
> 
> _and one for the gals:_
> 
> Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
> 
> He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
> 
> She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
> 
> The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
> 
> She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
> 
> "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"


 
Thats some funny stuff.


----------



## arnisador

On the martial arts front...


----------



## Ping898

*A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

 Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some.  Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.  "How did you get all that
money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.  "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each  time someone  sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
 $20  or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.  "OK, good luck!  By the way,
 what's  in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

*


----------



## kid

OMG!!!!  There is a lesson to be learned here kids, and you won't get it from Sesame Street.


----------



## Henderson

Warning:  Stupid Blonde Joke Ahead

Two blondes are walking along opposites sides of a rather wide creek.  They come to a narrower point, and one yells across to the other, "How do I get to the other side?"  The second blonde replies, "You ARE on the other side!"

Told you it was stupid.


Frank


----------



## barriecusvein

i think this hasn't been posted before, if it has ,o well, its still funny:

in a college exam, the following question was asked for extra credit:

* Is hell exothermic or endothermic?*

one student answered with the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. 

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. 

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. 

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. 

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose (i.e.,Hell is exothermic). 

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is endothermic). 

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in hell before I will sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, the second case cannot be true. Therefore, hell is exothermic.

this was the only answer to get extra credit


----------



## barriecusvein

[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
 [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." 

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." 

[/FONT][FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]"What does that tell you?" 

[/FONT] [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" 

[/FONT] [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. [/FONT][FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]"Watson, you ****wit, someone has stolen our tent." [/FONT]


----------



## Ping898

*Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a
  shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
  I went up to him and said, "Come on son, how about giving a senior a
  break?"  He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for  having worn tires.  So I called him a piece of dog *****.  He
  finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a ****. I came into town by bus.  I try to
  have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at our age. *


----------



## kid

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat." 


mark


----------



## bluemtn

This elderly gentleman goes in for a regular doctor's visit.  His doctor asks how he's doing, and in reply the man says "great!  God is blessing me so much, he turns on the light everytime I go to the bathroom!"  

"Really?" says the doctor.   Not believing his ears, he asks the man's wife about what her husband said.

In a distraught reply, "Oh no!  He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"


----------



## Ping898

*A man is driving up a steep, narrow, mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road. 
As they pass each other, the woman leans out her window
and yells "PIG"  The man immediately leans out of his window
and yells "*****"!!!  They continue on their way, and as the man
rounds the next corner, he crashes into the pig in the middle of
the road.

If only men would listen.*


----------



## Gin-Gin

:lol:  Good ones, everybody!


----------



## lulflo

A man and woman are in an airplane sitting in the seats across the aisle from each other. The man sneezes, proceeds to pull out his junk and clean it off, the woman is disgusted to see such a sight. He sneezes again and does the same. The woman is mortified. He sneezes a third time and before he gets a chance to flash her his business, she asks him what is the problem. His reply is that he has a condition that forces him to have an orgasm every time he sneezes, she looks at him puzzled and says, "can't you take something for that?" He says, "I am....pepper"


----------



## barriecusvein

Two muffins are in an oven.

One says to the other "man is it hot in here!"

The other muffin replies "holy ****! a talking muffin!"


----------



## xayvong

there are two men, an asian and a coccasion, and they are both looking for a job. the asian man had just come across seas. they both go up to the boss and ask them if they can get a job. " sure" he say but they both have to do a task first. the coccasion guy is told to help the boss. while the asian is told to get some supplies. 30 min later the coccasion is done but asian isn't back yet. so they go out to look for them. right before they turn the corner the asian jumps out and says " supplies".


----------



## stingg

I guess this is a little on the fence, but I love it...
Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised?
Because her boyfriend is blonde too.


----------



## Kreth

Q: The Easter Bunny, Bob Hubbard, and a woman who can drive all jump off the top of a building. Who will hit the ground first?

A: Bob, the other two are imaginary.


----------



## MA-Caver

two california blondes are arguing about which is farther away, the moon or florida...  one thinks the moon but the other blonde says... DUH! Can you SEE Florida?


----------



## Flatlander

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.



  A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.  :ultracool


----------



## Shaolinwind

I met an English woman the other week. We had drinks, we laughed, we got along great, and she came home with me.  After another drink, things started to get hot, but when we tried to make love it just didn't work.

Damned metric system.


----------



## chris_&#3617;&#3623;&#3618;&#3652;&#3607;&#3618;

exelent jokes! hehe


----------



## lulflo

A guy walks into a bar and sees George Bush and Dick Cheney talking at the bar.  Excitedly he goes over to them to see if he can get into the conversation.  He asks what they are talking about and Cheney replies, "World War III".   The man is amazed that they are talking to him so he decides to pursue further and find out what their strategy is and suprisingly Cheney tells him, "Well, we are going to kill 150 million Muslims and one blonde with blue eyes".  The guy looks stunned and after a moment or two asks, "why are you going to kill the blonde"?  Dick turns to Bush and exclaims "See, I told you no one would ask about the Muslims!

No offense intended folks...


----------



## mjd

great stuff :ultracool 

how blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb

1 can screw up just about anything


----------



## stone_dragone

Billy and Jenny are two 10 yearolds who, despite their age, know that they are in love.  They decide that they want to get married.  Billy wants to do the right thing, so he bravely walks up to Jenny's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.  Jenny's father, remembering his first crush, finds this kinda cute and tells Billy to sit on the couch so they can talk about this.  

Jenny's dad asks Billy "If you are gonna get married, where are you gonna live?" To which Billy responds, "Sir, we figure that we can live in Jenny's room, since its about 40 square feet larger than mine.  We can live comefortably in there for a while, at least."

Jenny's dad just nods, but thinks to himself "Wow.  They've thought about this."  He then asks "So if you get married, how are you going to survive, you know, pay the bills?"  Billy says "Jenny makes $5.00 a week and I make $10.00 in allowance, so together that makes $60 a month.  I think that if we are living in her room, we can live on that, for a while any way."

Now Jenny's dad is really impressed that the two ten year-olds have thought this out so much.  "Well," her dad says, "my only other question is what are you going to do when you have little ones of your own?"

Billy says "well, sir...we've been lucky so far."


----------



## MA-Caver

Robot Bartender   
 A man walked into a very high-tech bar.  As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.  The robot clicked to attention and    asked, "Sir, what will you have?"  The man thought a moment then  replied, "A martini please".  The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.   

The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?"  The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',   'interstellar space travel', 'the latest medical break- through's etc.

The man was most impressed.  He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact.  He returned and took a seat.  Again the robot
clicked and asked what he would have?  "A Martini please."  Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "what is your IQ sir?"  This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".  So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing,    the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend. 

The guy had to try it one more time.  So he left, returned and took a stool. This time ordered a beer, and was questioned, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man  drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".  The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked ,  "A-r-e  Y-o-u-r  p-e-o-p-l-e  g-o-i-n-g t-o  n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e  H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"


----------



## Ping898

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the 
step, only to discover that she couldn't. 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. 

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" 

The Texan smiled and drawled,"Well, ma'am,normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind 'a figured we was friends.


----------



## MA-Caver

Oh *that's* a good 'un to remember for sure... Thanks Ping!


----------



## MA-Caver

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Midland, Texas, while awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
It was quiet for a moment then the West Texan cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a slow, matter-of-fact drawl, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."


----------



## bydand

Cowboys and Muslims... that is a good one!


----------



## bydand

Texas midget testicles

      The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The
      Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor
      told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

      The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
      table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left
      testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual
      method to check for a hernia.

      "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right
      testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor
      once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on
      the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget
      was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the
      snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around
      the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

      The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered
      his boys were no longer aching.

      The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect
      Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

      The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..


----------



## bydand

Please Read The Following Six Statements And The Amazing Conclusion To Which They Lead:

   1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketbalL.
   2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
   3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.
   4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
   5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
   6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

Amazing Conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


----------



## kachi

Haha!!! Brilliant


----------



## Kacey

An oldie but a goodie...

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.  Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.


----------



## lulflo

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch.  The bartender exclaims, "that looks uncomfortable"!  The man responds by saying, "Arrr, It's drivin' me nuts!!!


----------



## Kreth

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a double, get a drink for everyone in the bar, and pour yourself one too." The bartender gets the drinks and comes back to the guy and says, "That'll be $78." The man slams his drink and says, "Well, I only have $5." Of course, the bartender gets pissed, comes around the bar and throws the guy out.
A week later, the same guy comes in, and says, "Give me a double, and get a drink for everyone in the bar." The bartender says sarcastically, "What, you're not buying me one too?" The guy says, "Hell no! You get mean when you drink!"


----------



## Monadnock

Dear Abby,

  I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.  The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
  I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
  Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
  Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob


----------



## Flatlander

Lol!!!


----------



## dragonswordkata

Rynocerous said:


> "Your wasting your time," says the boy. "Every time you go shopping, the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
> 
> Cheers,
> 
> Ryan


That's great! lol


----------



## crushing

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" 
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
 
 


 







 
 




​​
'You got Male!'"​


----------



## MA-Caver

crushing said:


> A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
> The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ​​
> 'You got Male!'"​



You know what's scary about this joke... if a dad/mom told this same story to a kid for real asking the same question... the kid probably would just nod understandingly and say "thanks!"


----------



## Touch Of Death

Did you hear about that actress in Hollywood who just stabbed her husband thirty-seven times? I didn't get her last name but the first name was Reece... 





(Witherspoon?)





























No! She did it with a knife.


----------



## crushing

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One's in Australia, the other is in Dublin When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.  She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church .... and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."


----------



## Rich Parsons

crushing said:


> A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
> 
> The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
> 
> The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One's in Australia, the other is in Dublin When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
> 
> One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
> 
> The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church .... and I had to quit drinking."
> 
> "Hasn't affected my sisters though."




Here is to SISTER's!  :lol:


----------



## crushing

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate
shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four,
and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. 

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife 'Just hit
it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.' 
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said 'That's OK, Sweetheart' and spent the full
five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a
horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within
two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife
then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. 

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his
skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the
hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and
calmly said, 'Honey, that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think we can
do better on the next hole.' 

To which she replied, 'Listen *******, don't ***** at me, only 2
of those 5 shots were mine!'


----------



## lulflo

Two Cannibals were eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, "does this taste funny to you?"


A midget psychic escapes from prison and the newspapers read, "small medium at large"


If Bob shot the sheriff, who the heck shot the deputy? hmmmm


Farang - Larry


----------



## Big Don

This blonde walked into a bar




you'd think she would have seen it


----------



## Last Fearner

Jay Leno's iPhone joke:

"If you paid $600.00 for an iPhone, the i stands for idiot!" :lfao:


----------



## Decker

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. 
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" 

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' 

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age. 

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. 

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen." 

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"


----------



## Buka




----------

