# What's in YOUR aircraft?



## Carol (May 8, 2007)

[FONT=Verdana, Arial]After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, as of today Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back-order. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet 
per minute descent. 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what they're for. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: IFF inoperative. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you're right. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be 
serious. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial]And the best one for last . [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial]P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds 
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
S: Took hammer away from midget [/FONT]


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## LawDog (May 8, 2007)

:lfao:


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## achilles95 (May 8, 2007)

Hahaha those were great.


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## Obliquity (May 9, 2007)

Thanks for the laugh!


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## Sukerkin (May 9, 2007)

Nice to see those again, *Carol* - they always make me laugh :tup:

*P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.*

Is one of my favourites, I love the understated sarcasm imbedded in such a brief reply (very Oscar Wilde).

They've been around for ages tho' and I'm surprised that more haven't shown up.  Perhaps we need Jasper Carrot to do a little digging for us (he's very fond of that sort of thing, especially car insurance claim form entries).


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## bushidomartialarts (May 9, 2007)

thanks for the laugh carol


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## terryl965 (May 9, 2007)

The last one was the best, poor midget has no hammer


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## stone_dragone (May 9, 2007)

I've seen similar things in our write-ups for the OH-58.


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