# How to Simulate Being in the Navy



## Bob Hubbard (Oct 25, 2008)

How to Simulate Being in the Navy   * 

Some Ways For Old Salts to Simulate Being in the Navy*

 1.  Lock all friends and family outside.  Your only means of  communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at  least three weeks, discarding two of five.  

2.  Surround yourself with  200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like  Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul  language like a child uses sugar  on cereal.  

3.  Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off  from the outside world.  Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or   Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current  events.  

4.  Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital  information  (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open,  etc)  

5.  Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of  40  people using the same commode.  

6.  Lock the bathroom twice a  day for a four hour period.  

7.  Wear only military uniforms.  Even  though nobody cares, clean and  press one dress uniform and wear it for 20  minutes.  

8.  Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until  you look  bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented  sheep.  

9.  Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time,  to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or  night.  

10.  Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks,  then play  music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to  your  favourite CD.  

11.  Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose  three sides of your bed.   Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up  (about 10 inches is a good  distance) then place it on a platform that is  four feet off the floor.   Place a small dead animal under the bed to  simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks. 

12.  Set your alarm  to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate  the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew  bump around and wake you  up.  Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the  remaining three hours.  Make use of a  custom clock that randomly simulates  fire alarms, police sirens,  helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock  band.  

13.  Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage  and  wait two weeks before eating them.  

14.  Prepare all meals  blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove  the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.  

15.  Periodically,  shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting  "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.  

16. At least once a month,  force the commode to overflow to simulate a  'black water system'  boo-boo.  

17.  Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat.   Scrub the  faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of  it.  Wear  this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the   bathroom.  

18.  Study the owner's manual for all household  appliances.  Routinely  take an appliance apart and put it back  together.  

19.  Remove all plants, pictures and decorations.  Paint  everything  gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.  

20.  Buy  50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.  Ensure one of  these two rolls is wet all the time.  

21.  Smash your forehead or shins  with a hammer every two days to  simulate collision injuries sustained  onboard Navy ships.  

22.  When making sandwiches, leave the bread out  for six days, or until  it is hard and stale. 

23.   Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port.  Go directly to the city slums wearing  your best clothes.  Find the worst looking place,  and ask for the most  expensive beer that they carry.  Drink as many as  you can in four hours.   Take a cab home taking the longest possible  route.  Tip the cabby after he  charges you double because you dress  funny and don't speak  right.  

24.  Use fresh milk for only two days after each port  visit.  

25.  Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin  blanket  for warmth.  

26.  Ensure that the water heater is connected  to a device that provides  water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip  to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95  deg C.  

27.  Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a  time.  

28.  Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it  needs it  or not.  

29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a  job, it's an adventure!'  

30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to  simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up JP5 in the intake -- if a  lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more  kerosene.   

31.  Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the  poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud.  Be sure to have him  skip over anything pertinent.  

32.  Every four hours, check the  fluid level in your car's radiator.  Check the tire pressure and replace air  lost from excessive pressure checks.  Be sure to place red tag on ignition  stating "DANGER:  DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform  your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat  the checks because he did not see you perform them.  

33.  Paint your  house grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent,  paint your car grey, paint your driveway a different shade of  grey.  

34.  Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a  meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours  earlier.  

35.  Shut all blinds and doors at sunset.  

36.  Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere.  Call on a  stranger to come inspect your house.  Ensure stranger sees dust that has  collected in the time it took to find him.  Stranger cannot leave until he  finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.    

37.  Hang  Christmas lights in June.  When the neighbors ask, say,  "deceptive  lighting."  

38.  Hang white lights when relatives visit.   When neighbors ask, say, "friendship lights."


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## MA-Caver (Oct 25, 2008)

Aww c'mon... the Navy can't be THAT bad.... :lol:


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## terryl965 (Oct 25, 2008)

If you think that is bad try the Air Force.


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## girlbug2 (Oct 25, 2008)

Poor Bob! thank you for going through all that in the service of your country.


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## Bob Hubbard (Oct 25, 2008)

LOL.  wasn't me.  Been lurking on some military sites lately.  They've got some special humor I had to share.


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## kidswarrior (Oct 25, 2008)

Well whoever posted it, we must have been on WestPac together. The only thing I didn't see was, add Marines who've been in the bush for four to six weeks with no showers, to the tune of 2 1/2 times the number of sailors on board. Maybe this could be simulated by periodically filling your house with homeless people. 

Not the Marines fault, BTW--just close quarters and primitive conditions . Nor in many cases, the homeless' fault. We've all been down on our luck at times.

PS: 





> 29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, it's an adventure!'


 The real saying is, it's a ****** adventure. (Can I say that? Well, you did say this was for Old Salts... )


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