# Everything Happens For A Purpose



## Kaygee (Apr 2, 2013)

Most of you have already looked at my name and dismissed this post because, in the past, most of my posts have included a lot of whining and complaining.
For this, I do not blame you!

Some short background:
I studied Tang Soo Do for a few years and then quit because I wanted to try something else. I quit for a month. When I came back I was not permitted to test for my next rank, even though I had ample time to show that I still kept up on my training the entire time I was out.

I quit, because I felt betrayed and insulted. I wrote about it here and on Facebook. I receive many, MANY negative comments about it.

I just am now getting back to normal....I was in the hospital for quite some time while experiencing a near death experience. During that time, lying in that hospital bed alone, a lot of things went thru my head. One of them, being that I sat around and wasted precious time from my life, complaining about a belt color and a test.

And on a side note, wanna hear something ironic? I was denied the test in December and quit because the next time I would have been eligible to test again would have been March. I was in the hospital in March, so I would not have been able to test anyway. Coincidence? Perhaps.

But that is not why I am here. And if you are still reading this, you either loved to hate me, or understand when a man admits he is wrong. I took something that I loved doing, and turned it into some sort of contest with myself and other students. What matter is it of the color of the belt around your waist, if you have the ego that brings it down?

I see that now. 

So my former master called me after he heard about my incident and invited me back. I was extremely surprised by his generosity. So I went back yesterday for the first time and everyone was ok with me. I remembered nearly everything and I had fun. At the end of the night, the master's son shook my hand and said to me, "I am glad your back....now get every godamn negative thing about our school off of the internet". And walked away. I walked over to him again and said to him, "I insulted you, didn't I?" To which he replied, "Yes. You spoke bad about my school. What you said isn't what martial arts is about."

He is absolutely correct! I am 39 years old, and this kid is about 20 or so, but he sure has his head in the right place. I felt, and feel, HORRIBLE about this! I insulted someone that taught me so much!

I started talking to my friend that I kept in contact with the entire time I was not there. He said everyone there knew about my comments. And although a lot of them weren't directed at my school in general, and more towards martial arts in general, they were still thoughtless, rude comments that I had no place saying.

But I now know that the entire school is probably insulted. They are just a great group of people that aren't going to say anything. The head master, who is in another school, knows about it as well, and I am sure he is even more pissed off than anyone else. And rightfully so.

I sent some PMs to some of the students, and the junior master in my school, apologizing and explaining to them that I do not deserve forgiveness or to be allowed back. And that is the truth. I think that it is better that I do not show my face there anymore. Why should I make anyone feel some sort of way, just because I let jealously and my ego get in the way? My friend thinks that I am over-playing this, and every one is happy that I am back and has put the issue behind them, but I cannot help but think about this every time I look at one of them. And that is how it will always be.

All of them read my PMs. None of them responded.......

The last thing I ever wanted to do, is insult these people. The people that took time out of their life to try to better mine thru martial arts. And I am an adult! I know that sometimes you make mistakes and that you have to live with them. This is not "fairy tale land", it doesn't always have a happy ending. But I am going to hang my neck out here and see what this population thinks.

Should I save the school from my ignorant, not worthy presence and not go back?
Or should I hope everyone puts it behind them and try to move on?


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## Tony Dismukes (Apr 2, 2013)

Don't waste your time and energy focusing on putting yourself down.  That doesn't make you a better person or a better martial artist and it doesn't alleviate any feelings you might have hurt.  All it does is create drama and will probably lead you to get your own feelings hurt about something trivial again in the future.  Just take a look at what you want to do better going forward, then go ahead and do it.  One day at a time and one step at a time is the way to go.
You were invited back to train and your teacher told you he was glad you were back.  Now drop the worrying and just go train.
Based on your previous posting history, it seems that you are prone to rapid mood swings and impulsive speech and actions.  If this is something you want to change about yourself, then start experimenting to see what methods work for you to address the situation - meditation, therapy, philosophy, it doesn't matter.  Putting yourself down won't work.  Neither will putting down other people.  Just find something that works and practice it every day just like you practice your punches and kicks.
Good luck!


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## jks9199 (Apr 2, 2013)

When I'm working with a new shooter, they have a tendency to chase their bullet holes, especially if they're having trouble qualifying.  My advice is simple:  Once you've fired it, that round's gone.  It's in the target, wherever it landed.  You can't change it.  You can't take it back.  It's gone.  Forget it.  It's easier said than done -- but it's advice that applies to a lot.

What you've posted is history.  You can revisit them, and eat crow (we rarely delete content without very significant reason on MartialTalk; wanting to eat your words is not usually enough) and say that you were wrong.  Or leave 'em be, and let them drift into obscurity.  

Tony's given some excellent advice, and I'll echo part of it.  Even knowing what you posted -- they invited you back, and pretty much welcomed you when you returned.  Live up to that generosity, and train hard.  It'll probably be tense for a while -- but you're the guy who farted in the hot tub.  Suck it up, and as you show that you've changed, things will likely get less tense.


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## arnisador (Apr 2, 2013)

I agree--don't overthink. Just go there and work on improving your skills!


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## Stargazer (Apr 2, 2013)

Kaygee, I think you might be too hard on yourself.  Sometimes the first decision is the best one.  I don't know your story, but if there was a good reason for quitting, then don't feel bad for walking.  Sometimes walking is right and is empowering even if it's heartbreaking.  Likewise if it's possible to rejoin your original school, and that's what feels right, train hard and be happy.  Don't be too tough on yourself about it.  You feel passionately about martial arts.  Go for it


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## harlan (Apr 3, 2013)

Like the old saying goes, 'Just shut up and train.' 

Embrace the suck, or run away...your decision. Always was...nothing's changed.

The only thing you may not realize is that every action and post you make reflects on your teachers and schools. At least, by traditional standards.



Kaygee said:


> Most of you have already looked at my name and dismissed this post because, in the past, most of my posts have included a lot of whining and complaining.
> For this, I do not blame you!
> 
> Some short background:
> ...


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## Mauthos (Apr 3, 2013)

It's a hard thing to admit when you are in the wrong and I think you have made some great progression in amending your past mistakes as it were.  I think it would be a waste not to go back and train again, so in my opinion I would go back and prove that you are truly apologetic for the past, train and remain humble and everyone will no doubt accept you back, as by the sounds of it, they already have.

Good luck.


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## aaradia (Apr 3, 2013)

I am new here, so I don't know anything about this except what you say here.

Quitting is the easier road. You can avoid really having to own up to your mistakes by not facing the repurcussions of your actions. The harder more adult thing to do is really face the consequences of what you say you have done. That would be going back and training. Face those you have offended, prove yourself to them. Understand for some it may take time. Show them their faith in you is not in vain. Be a good student. Help your instructors out in any way possible. If your instructors think you are worthy to take back, trust their judgement. They are the ones you offended, start listening to them.

Oh, and take down any stuff you can on the Internet like they asked. Unfortunately, you cannot always take things back once out on the Internet. So where you can't take things back, go and post an update with an apology.

Finally, find a way to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes in life. We all do things we would like to take back.


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## Cyriacus (Apr 3, 2013)

Good!

Now, just apologizing is only going to get you so far. You might be sorry, but forgiving people is more difficult than apologizing. Youve been invited back, youve gone back, so keep going back. If you dont show youre face there because youre sorry for past misdeeds, youre using self blame and self punishment to avoid the consequences of your actions. Its like if someone asks for a lend of $5, and you tell them to go rot in a ditch. Giving it to them later seems off, since they dont need it any more. Saying sorry might help, but they might have really needed it. Never making contact with them again as a way of apologizing... Well, think about it.


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## Kaygee (Apr 3, 2013)

I don't have an actual problem going there and looking at them and working hard to get their trust back. I think the message is getting lost here.

The question is, should THEY have to put up with ME being back there?! 

I am an adult and can accept the fact that I was a jerk and an egotistical idiot and work to try to gain back their trust. Some I may never gain it back, who knows. My ego is long gone now, and I have no problems going in there and showing them that I meant it when I said I was sorry, and I am grateful that they invited me back.

But again, they were doing perfectly fine without me. Is it right for me to "rock the boat" that they were just fine in until I came back?


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## harlan (Apr 3, 2013)

It's a dojo/dojang/study hall/etc. You go there to learn and train and that's what it's there for.

Everything else, all these mental confustigations...are irrelevant.


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## Tony Dismukes (Apr 3, 2013)

Kaygee said:


> I don't have an actual problem going there and looking at them and working hard to get their trust back. I think the message is getting lost here.
> 
> The question is, should THEY have to put up with ME being back there?!
> 
> ...



If you don't act like an ******* when you go back, then there will be no "rocking the boat" and nothing problematic for them to "put up with."


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## Gnarlie (Apr 3, 2013)

Kaygee said:


> I don't have an actual problem going there and looking at them and working hard to get their trust back. I think the message is getting lost here.
> 
> The question is, should THEY have to put up with ME being back there?!
> 
> ...



You're giving this waaaay too much thought. If they didn't want you there, they wouldn't have invited you back. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, why create drama where there isn't any? They didn't invite you back _because_ of the drama that you seem to want surrounding you, they invited you back in _spite_ of it. You say you've lost your ego, but there is still a lot of 'I this / I that' in your posts. Go there, train there, and assume that 'I' doesn't actually matter. Lose yourself.


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## jks9199 (Apr 3, 2013)

Kaygee said:


> I don't have an actual problem going there and looking at them and working hard to get their trust back. I think the message is getting lost here.
> 
> The question is, should THEY have to put up with ME being back there?!
> 
> ...



Sorry -- this is more "poor Kaygee".  The instructor invited you back.  You're welcome.  But they didn't forget everything, and there's some tension -- so you want an excuse to run away again.

Do it, or don't.


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## Kaygee (Apr 3, 2013)

THe INSTRUCTOR invited me back, not the student population though. They have to "live with it".


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## Gnarlie (Apr 3, 2013)

I strongly doubt that any of them really care. Other people give you much less thought than you are giving them credit for.  Everyone is the centre of their own universe and has their own training to worry about. You matter a lot less than you think.

Even the thread title here sounds like 'Everything happens for a purpose and it all revolves around me'. It doesn't, and if you can get past yourself, you'll feel better for it.


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## harlan (Apr 3, 2013)

No they don't. They can walk. Or stick around and completely ignore you and leave you with no one for partner work. Or they can make you pay in various ways.

Be a big boy and take your lumps. Reality is...you may never have been a good fit for the school. Get what you want, pay your dues or move on.



Kaygee said:


> THe INSTRUCTOR invited me back, not the student population though. They have to "live with it".


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## Cyriacus (Apr 3, 2013)

Kaygee said:


> The question is, should THEY have to put up with ME being back there?!



They dont have to. I dont like everyone i train with. I never have and never will. That doesnt mean im going to ask them to leave. Plus, if they really care, theyll come out and tell you. Or theyll specifically avoid you. Again, self punishment is not the answer. Let them punish you if they want you. I promise, they wont/


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## clfsean (Apr 3, 2013)

Seriously... quit whining & train, or don't. You are the only issue involved. 

The teacher said basically he doesn't give a crap, just take your rantings & whinings down. He wants you to train. 

If the other students don't want you train, they'll let you know in subtle or not so subtle methods. 

Get past your self centered "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms" schitck, pull your big boy panties & get on the floor. Or don't. Just be determined to one or the other & do it.


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## oftheherd1 (Apr 3, 2013)

Kaygee said:


> I don't have an actual problem going there and looking at them and working hard to get their trust back. I think the message is getting lost here.
> 
> The question is, should THEY have to put up with ME being back there?!
> 
> ...



It's all part of life, for you and for them.  It's something you and they have to get through.  How will you best do that?  Figure that out and go for it.  

But I suggest that running is seldom the answer, again not for you nor for them.


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## Cirdan (Apr 4, 2013)

Things happen and what matters is how you deal with them, there is not some mystical phropecy to be fulfilled for everything.
Now shut up and train.


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## Dirty Dog (Apr 4, 2013)

Kaygee said:


> Most of you have already looked at my name and dismissed this post because, in the past, most of my posts have included a lot of whining and complaining.
> For this, I do not blame you!
> 
> Some short background:
> ...



Sheeeeshhhh...
In  your earlier incarnation, the message you received here was "shut up and train". Now, you're back at your original school and they're welcoming in you back. And you're second guessing them, which, since it implies that you don't believe their welcome is sincere, could be Yet Another Insult...

I don't think I'm likely to be the only one to notice that you are, basically, doing the same thing you did here before. So the answer is going to be the same...


Shut up and train, for crying out loud.


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## Stargazer (Apr 4, 2013)

Kaygee, maybe your school isn't the best you can find for you.  Training is personal and emotional.  If it doesn't feel right, don't feel bad for seeking better at any point.  Perhaps see how it goes.  No school or its students should make you feel bad about yourself.  I mean, there are plenty of places with positive people and ideologies.  And a lot without, yet people train at those too, right?


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## Seizan (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi.

I don&#8217;t know you, or anything about the &#8220;forum past&#8221; of which you speak, but I respectfully submit that you just may be asking the wrong people about what a group of students (that apparently none here have met) might be thinking.  Many here have a lifetime of experience and have shared some pretty insightful advice and suggestions, but in the end, only you know the group in question well enough.

You seem to like the school enough to want to make this work out, and seek resolution and closure of the incident.  So...

Advice freely given may be as freely ignored, so here&#8217;s my ignore-able bit:  Ask your teacher to give you a few minutes at the end of a training session, and address the group.  Express your apology and your willingness to make whatever amends possible and practical.  Follow this by asking that if anyone has any problem or feels personally uncomfortable working with you after your faux pas, to please take it up with you quietly and privately over a cup of tea (or coffee, whatever).

You've made it obvious that your concern now regards their feelings, not yours.  Listen to everything said without interruption or self-justification, and be flexible in your understanding.  By letting them express themselves freely, you help to restore the harmony of the group.

Afterward, put the situation up on the shelf; show a good working attitude and your enthusiasm to get on with training.  Don&#8217;t wear your heart out on your sleeve; it&#8217;ll just get squashed... 

And I&#8217;ll bet you thought of all that, maybe did it already.

If anyone in the school was really irked to the point where working with you amounted to no more than &#8220;putting up&#8221; with you, I think it would have been expressed by now, either in words or action.  At any rate, from what I read so far, it seems no one is getting ready to tar and feather you, so the soft approach might be best.


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## GaryR (Apr 23, 2013)

I don't know what you've written in the past on the matter, but it seems as though you are being to hard on yourself. 

Not being allowed to test after leaving for a month sounds to me like the instructor was being very petty.  Just add this story to the list of reasons I don't like rank worn at all.  It sounds as if there was an ego problem on both sides here.  Assuming your internet complaining didn't go outside of the facts I don't think you really need to beg forgiveness.  Facts are facts, if the facts embarrass them to the point they want them removed, they did in fact do something wrong.    

People can forgive and move on.  But, if you don't feel right about training there, don't.  You may give it some time and see if you can feel right again, and don't be so negative you eliminate that possibility.


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## Touch Of Death (Apr 23, 2013)

Kaygee said:


> Most of you have already looked at my name and dismissed this post because, in the past, most of my posts have included a lot of whining and complaining.
> For this, I do not blame you!
> 
> Some short background:
> ...


Dude, go back to the damn school. You have admitted you were wrong and are a better person for it. You took responsibility. Don't victimize yourself by denying your self the rewards of doing so. I will let you in on a little secret; Rank is worthless outside the doors of the school; so, you either value the material and teaching or you do not. Black belts are just white belts that didn't quit. Remember that.  The other martial artists will get over it. You wouldn't be the first to be mad about testing. It is their job to deal with your crap. LOL
Sean


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## aaradia (Apr 24, 2013)

Seizan said:


> Hi.
> 
> : Ask your teacher to give you a few minutes at the end of a training session, and address the group. Express your apology and your willingness to make whatever amends possible and practical. Follow this by asking that if anyone has any problem or feels personally uncomfortable working with you after your faux pas, to please take it up with you quietly and privately over a cup of tea (or coffee, whatever).
> ...
> ...



Respectfully, I disagree with taking up valuable class time for his personal issue. Any discussions with students should not take up class time. And people who chose to not be involved in issues like this should not feel compelled to stay, which might happen if addressed in a class situation like this. I would be very irritated if the class time I value so much was taken up with some interpersonal issue like this- VERY irritated indeed.

I also like MA because I just go and train and do not have to deal with interpersonal issues and politics. I just want to go and train. I would not like being dragged into stuff like this in the manner you suggest.

He can go up to people individually AFTER class time, when people can more easily choose to not be involved.


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