# How can I BLOCK hard enough to dissuade further attack?



## FatMan (Mar 18, 2014)

Is there a blocking technique that will cause significant discomfort to the striking party?  It must be an obviously defensive move, not a "defense by offense".

You probably guessed it, but I need something to employ against an abusive woman -- without going to jail.  Her assaults are pretty amateurish -- flurries of slaps toward the head.  If I grab her wrists, she resorts to kicking the shins.  Slapping the incoming forearms and tripping her resulted in a call to the sheriff's office.  The deputies accepted that I had acted only defensively.  Either of us could press charges ... but didn't.  She didn't b/c her story had fallen apart.  I didn't b/c the deputies presented it as a pretty pointless thing to do.

A couple years later, she has repeated a very similar ... tantrum.  This time I ducked most of the clumsy slaps. I did retreat to an area of our home monitored by a security camera in case she accused me of something.  Nearly the whole incident was recorded. 

But I want a way to STOP this behavior ... without going to jail for it.  I have never hit her and don't intend to.  If I thought a slap or two or a butt-whipping could straighten her up, I would.  But that would just get me charged with abuse and serve no productive purpose.

The obvious way to stop the abuse is to divorce her.  I'm trying not to go there as we have children.  If I DO divorce her, a clear record of her abusiveness will help me get custody ... and she is not stable enough to be a good mom on her own.

So, back to the original question.  Is there a block or other DEFENSIVE move -- that on camera will be obviously defensive -- but will cause enough discomfort to the incoming forearm/hand/wrist that she's likely to stop?  I prefer not to do her long-term damage (e.g. broken elbow), but if she can be bruised or swollen by such a move, she'll probably stop.  Maybe call the cops again ... in which case I will press charges.

Thanks!


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## drop bear (Mar 18, 2014)

There is but it will leave bruises.

I would start by suggesting taking her back and holding her in a bear hug.


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## MJS (Mar 18, 2014)

FatMan said:


> Is there a blocking technique that will cause significant discomfort to the striking party?  It must be an obviously defensive move, not a "defense by offense".
> 
> You probably guessed it, but I need something to employ against an abusive woman -- without going to jail.  Her assaults are pretty amateurish -- flurries of slaps toward the head.  If I grab her wrists, she resorts to kicking the shins.  Slapping the incoming forearms and tripping her resulted in a call to the sheriff's office.  The deputies accepted that I had acted only defensively.  Either of us could press charges ... but didn't.  She didn't b/c her story had fallen apart.  I didn't b/c the deputies presented it as a pretty pointless thing to do.
> 
> ...



Here's an idea...how about removing yourself from the abusive relationship!  I'm sorry, but for me, I really can never understand, why people, who're in abusive relationships, continue to stay in them.  Let me ask you...do you really think that having a good block, is going to solve this issue?  I would say no.  Want to know why?  Because your 'good block' is actually going to do nothing more, than piss off the other party, who will no doubt, resort to other tactics.  See where I'm going here? I'll in essence, be nothing more than a revolving door.


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## wimwag (Mar 18, 2014)

If you're blocking hard enough to dissuade further attack, you're going to leave bruises.

On the other hand, over time, blocks become strikes as your karate evolves.

Sent from my Nokia Lumina using Tapatalk and glitchy Windows 8


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## wimwag (Mar 18, 2014)

A woman who uses violence instead of words is still just a child and her father obviously failed her.  Shame on him.

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## FatMan (Mar 18, 2014)

Bruises?  OK as long as I'm legally clear b/c it was a matter of defense ... and when shown the security video normal people will understand it is a defense instead of a counter-attack.  If I retreat, duck some blows, then give her a right cross in the mouth ... the jury will probably see that differently ... even though it is defense in any encounter outside of the domestic context.

Bear hug? I assume without squeezing hard enough to bring on any actual injuries. If I hold her in that for several minutes to try to calm her down ... how will the cops/jury look at that? Does that appear aggressive on my part?

Dad failed her?  Yep.  I'd love to time-travel back and fix that ...

Remove myself from the relationship?  Probably will need to. But I must do so when she has no legal leg to stand on ... and she's not quite there ... yet.

So ... what's the blocking technique that would work but leave bruises?  Is it the outside forearm block someone mentioned in another context?


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## Tony Dismukes (Mar 18, 2014)

MJS has it.  The number one defense against an abusive individual in a relationship is to leave the relationship. Anything else is not going to work out well.


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## mook jong man (Mar 18, 2014)

Doesn't matter what block you learn mate.
You have to sleep sometime , and that's when crazy ones like her tend to strike.
Just get out of there and divorce her.


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## lklawson (Mar 18, 2014)

FatMan said:


> The obvious way to stop the abuse is to divorce her.  I'm trying not to go there as we have children.


This does not help the children. It *hurts* them. Seeing one parent abused by the other creates emotional scars and, for some, teaches them that it is either OK or that it is a preferred method of conflict resolution.

Children of abusive relationships often fall into one of two equally self destructive templates.  They will come to believe it is normal and they 1) either accept abuse themselves or perpetrate abuse themselves, or 2) they will swear that it will never ever ever happen to them and they tend to not have healthy, deep relationships but rather have shallow relationships or push potential friends and partners away from them, ending cold, alone, and almost always very bitter at both parents.  You don't want either of these.

Document the abuse.  Call the cops every time.  See a Divorce Attorney and have him fill out paperwork for both divorce and Sole Custody of the children with Court Supervised visitation.  The Attorney will know why and give you all the lurid details.  Also, never have sex with her *ever* again, under *any* circumstances.  Not even if you think you two have had a break through and are reconciling.  This has nothing to do with "punishing" her and everything to do with preventing her from claiming sexual assault and getting a Rape Kit done.  

Get yourself and your kids *OUT* of this situation *RIGHT FRIGG'N NOW*!  If not for you, then for the children.  You're supposed to be protecting them from both physical and emotional harm.  Do so.

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


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## lklawson (Mar 18, 2014)

wimwag said:


> A woman who uses violence instead of words is still just a child and her father obviously failed her.  Shame on him.


Or maybe she is suffering from mental illness.  Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi Polar Disorder are increasingly common among women.  Or maybe she's suffering from an addiction or dependency which causes mood instability.  Or maybe her father died and she never had a male role model (how dare he, the failure!).  Or maybe she saw her mother abusing her father, who stoically stayed with her "because of the kids," and learned that this behavior is acceptable.

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." 

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


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## MJS (Mar 18, 2014)

FatMan said:


> Bruises?  OK as long as I'm legally clear b/c it was a matter of defense ... and when shown the security video normal people will understand it is a defense instead of a counter-attack.  If I retreat, duck some blows, then give her a right cross in the mouth ... the jury will probably see that differently ... even though it is defense in any encounter outside of the domestic context.



Again, why would you want to do any of this??



> Bear hug? I assume without squeezing hard enough to bring on any actual injuries. If I hold her in that for several minutes to try to calm her down ... how will the cops/jury look at that? Does that appear aggressive on my part?



Again, why do you want to do this?  This is akin to what I said about the blocks.  So, you're going to bearhug her, hold her for whatever amount of time, let her go, and then what?  Wash, rinse and repeat?  Grab her again, the next time she swings at you?  And then what?  




> Remove myself from the relationship?  Probably will need to. But I must do so when she has no legal leg to stand on ... and she's not quite there ... yet.



Umm...what?  You must do so when she has no legal leg to stand on?  What is she doing, holding you hostage at gunpoint not allowing you to leave?  I doubt that, so again, why aren't you leaving?  You complain about a situation, yet you do nothing to remove yourself from it, and then you want sympathy or advice on what to do, and what's worse, you're looking for a physical solution.




> So ... what's the blocking technique that would work but leave bruises?  Is it the outside forearm block someone mentioned in another context?



I wouldn't worry about blocks.  I'd worry about packing your stuff, and getting out of dodge.


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## FatMan (Mar 18, 2014)

lklawson said:


> This does not help the children. It *hurts* them. Seeing one parent abused by the other creates emotional scars and, for some, teaches them that it is either OK or that it is a preferred method of conflict resolution.



Many good points, that one probably the best.

Thanks, all.


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## Transk53 (Mar 18, 2014)

As a adult, my sister and I understood why our Dad walked out (the mother got custody). We went through ten kinds of hell, but now the mother is spending her time contemplating that spousal abuse has sentenced her to a lonely old age. Okay, so I had to take the brunt of the emotional and physical abuse, but that was not my Dads fault. Obviously a bit of different situation, but I can at least see one side of a situation like this.


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## wimwag (Mar 18, 2014)

Good luck.  Mine is also crazy.  Super crazy.  But she refrains from violence.  Probably because she's watched me break my own hand on a brick wall that happened to be behind the dry wall and broke a few very expensive drill bits and finish the job with a hand folded in half.

Your kids may not understand divorce today tomorrow or even next year but it does them no good to see you abused and they will learn from her and you (who puts up with it) that men are inferior and objects to possess.  One day they will see the big picture.



Sent from my Nokia Lumina using Tapatalk and glitchy Windows 8


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 18, 2014)

FatMan said:


> Is there a blocking technique that will cause significant discomfort to the striking party?  It must be an obviously defensive move, not a "defense by offense".
> 
> You probably guessed it, but I need something to employ against an abusive woman -- without going to jail.  Her assaults are pretty amateurish -- flurries of slaps toward the head.  If I grab her wrists, she resorts to kicking the shins.  Slapping the incoming forearms and tripping her resulted in a call to the sheriff's office.  The deputies accepted that I had acted only defensively.  Either of us could press charges ... but didn't.  She didn't b/c her story had fallen apart.  I didn't b/c the deputies presented it as a pretty pointless thing to do.
> 
> ...


Lightly slap her punches to the side, hold her, and tell her you can't be friends anymore.


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 18, 2014)

Another way, and this will work against smaller women, is to hold your arms out long, and manipulate her strikes with your hands, It won't look like strikes if you don't strike her.


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 18, 2014)

There is a third option. Let her hit you, and position yourself do that she hurts herself.  This is my personal favorite. 
Sean


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## jks9199 (Mar 18, 2014)

Sounds LOTS more like you need relationship counseling, and may benefit from looking at the dynamics of abusive relationships.  

That said -- done properly, blocking should deter further attacks.


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## sfs982000 (Mar 18, 2014)

Sounds like she needs some serious counseling to get to the root of her problem, you should really consider removing yourself from that situation until she does so.  If she doesn't, your not in a situation where you have to block anything and she can throw as many tantrums as she likes. As far as blocks go, like others have posted, if done correctly they're more like counterstrikes that should deter any further violence.


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## Gnarlie (Mar 18, 2014)

Or... talk to her over the phone. Best kind of blocking = not be there. 

Alternatively, if you have to do this face to face, the best technique I can suggest is to stay on the balls of your feet during the conversation, and the moment you sense violence is imminent, use the following strategy:
turn 180 degrees on the balls of your feet, keeping your back straight and your chin high. Go to the wardrobe, grab your essential stuff, and leave. Life is too short for that stuff. 

Gnarlie


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## ballen0351 (Mar 18, 2014)

Two parents staying together but abusing each other is much worse then two divorced parents living apart and loving their kids.  I almost think this post is not real but if it is staying no matter what "block" you try is pointless.  If you had to place cameras in your house to prove your defending yourself is no way to live.


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## TwentyThree (Mar 18, 2014)

I have to chime in:

1) You can always palis or pass the strike.  That being said,
2) Yeeeah, you need to get out of this relationship immediately.  If you were female and she were male, that'd be the advice.  It's no different just because you're a dude.  Abuse and violence is abuse and violence, and never should be tolerated, especially for children.


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## FatMan (Mar 18, 2014)

If I were doing to her what she's doing to me ... I'd be in jail, she'd divorce and get full custody ... problem solved.

Equality under the law theoretically means I can do the same.  Practically, getting conviction & custody with the abuse at this level ... I'm not so sure.  Because of the severity of abuse inflicted by male abusers, the system takes domestic abuse by the man more seriously.  She claims that no one would believe a 5'9" 200 pound woman (who really doesn't know how to hit) is actually hurting a 6'2" 260 pound man.  Actual hurt isn't the point ... but the pattern of abuse is.

Keeping the marriage together on this level is bad for the kids.  Granted.

I will not "get out" until I can take the kids out of the problem too.  I will not permit them to take the brunt of the abuse.  I'm not faulting other parents who have done that in other circumstances.  But these are my circumstances and my responsibility.

Serious counseling ... good idea, but she's bailed out of counseling repeatedly.  It won't work if she won't let it.


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## FatMan (Mar 18, 2014)

Touch Of Death said:


> There is a third option. Let her hit you, and position yourself do that she hurts herself.  This is my personal favorite.
> Sean



I like that option.  How do I pull it off?  She's slapping with the right hand toward my head.  How do I turn that into a movement in which she hurts herself?


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 18, 2014)

FatMan said:


> I like that option.  How do I pull it off?  She's slapping with the right hand toward my head.  How do I turn that into a movement in which she hurts herself?


Put your hand over the side of your face, and aim your clinched elbow at the incoming fore arm.


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 18, 2014)

Touch Of Death said:


> Put your hand over the side of your face, and aim your clinched elbow at the incoming fore arm.


Or put your fist next your face and catch the slap with your knuckles. I did this to my sister all the time. Didn't you have a crazy sister?


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## Chris Parker (Mar 19, 2014)

Get out. Now. Forget what you think the results will be, what the custody battle will be like, waiting for you to have everything on your side, or whatever else fantasy is filling your head. Get out. Now.

When it comes to "what block should I use?", there is no magic technique. There is nothing anyone can give you over the medium of an internet forum that has any real practicality for you whatsoever. In order to do what you're asking, you need a fair bit of proper training in it... and, if you had that, you wouldn't be asking us for this magic pill. Techniques mean nothing without the proper training to back them up.

Look, I'll be blunt here. I don't give a damn about what you think things are looking like to outside observers. I don't give a damn about what you think is going to help you or not (you don't really have much of an idea, as you're looking for something that doesn't exist [for you], and ignoring the reality of what's going on around you), and I don't give a damn about your perception of the legal system you have to deal with in regards to divorce and custody battles. You've come to us with a problem (not the one you think you have), looking for a solution (which isn't what you need), and I am concerned with the reality of that.

There's already precedent and police records (no charges doesn't mean that there wasn't a record), there's already enough for you to make a case. There's no such thing as an airtight case, waiting for it is procrastination due to fear of what "might be".

Get out. Now. Anything else is a half-measure.


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## RTKDCMB (Mar 19, 2014)

Try blocking her with a restraining order.


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## sfs982000 (Mar 19, 2014)

Have you reported any of the violence to the police and started some sort of papertrail with them?  If you haven't that might be a good place to start that way if/when you had to go to court for custody of the kids there is a documented pattern of abuse that they (the courts) can pull from.


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## FatMan (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes, there's documentation, some of it with a court.


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## ballen0351 (Mar 19, 2014)

FatMan said:


> If I were doing to her what she's doing to me ... I'd be in jail, she'd divorce and get full custody ... problem solved.
> 
> Equality under the law theoretically means I can do the same.  Practically, getting conviction & custody with the abuse at this level ... I'm not so sure.  Because of the severity of abuse inflicted by male abusers, the system takes domestic abuse by the man more seriously.  She claims that no one would believe a 5'9" 200 pound woman (who really doesn't know how to hit) is actually hurting a 6'2" 260 pound man.  Actual hurt isn't the point ... but the pattern of abuse is.
> 
> ...


She's wrong.  I've arrested many woman for domestic violence.  Depending on the state.  You don't even need to be "hurt" for an arrest.  But as already stated report the assault, get a protective order in place protecting you and the kids and get a lawyer and get custody.  Lots of men are getting full custody now its not like it was 25 years ago.


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## Carol (Mar 19, 2014)

FatMan said:


> If I were doing to her what she's doing to me ... I'd be in jail, she'd divorce and get full custody ... problem solved.
> 
> Equality under the law theoretically means I can do the same.  Practically, getting conviction & custody with the abuse at this level ... I'm not so sure.  Because of the severity of abuse inflicted by male abusers, the system takes domestic abuse by the man more seriously.  She claims that no one would believe a 5'9" 200 pound woman (who really doesn't know how to hit) is actually hurting a 6'2" 260 pound man.  Actual hurt isn't the point ... but the pattern of abuse is.
> 
> ...



Try getting some serious counseling for yourself.  It will work for you, if you let it, and a good counselor can be a valuable resource in a difficult time.

Sorry to hear you are going through this.  I'm pullin' for ya, hope you and the kids can get to a better place soon.


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## stonewall1350 (Mar 22, 2014)

FatMan said:


> Is there a blocking technique that will cause significant discomfort to the striking party?  It must be an obviously defensive move, not a "defense by offense".
> 
> You probably guessed it, but I need something to employ against an abusive woman -- without going to jail.  Her assaults are pretty amateurish -- flurries of slaps toward the head.  If I grab her wrists, she resorts to kicking the shins.  Slapping the incoming forearms and tripping her resulted in a call to the sheriff's office.  The deputies accepted that I had acted only defensively.  Either of us could press charges ... but didn't.  She didn't b/c her story had fallen apart.  I didn't b/c the deputies presented it as a pretty pointless thing to do.
> 
> ...



You need to press charges and divorce her. "For the kids" is a stupid and idiotic excuse you are telling yourself because you are scared of change. Just ask yourself if you want your kids around abusive parent/s...or 2 independent and emotionally stable parents? You don't have to be together to raise a functional happy kid. I teach kids. Even kids of divorced parents are happy, but kids in abusive families rarely are.


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## MJS (Mar 22, 2014)

FatMan said:


> If I were doing to her what she's doing to me ... I'd be in jail, she'd divorce and get full custody ... problem solved.
> 
> Equality under the law theoretically means I can do the same.  Practically, getting conviction & custody with the abuse at this level ... I'm not so sure.  Because of the severity of abuse inflicted by male abusers, the system takes domestic abuse by the man more seriously.  She claims that no one would believe a 5'9" 200 pound woman (who really doesn't know how to hit) is actually hurting a 6'2" 260 pound man.  Actual hurt isn't the point ... but the pattern of abuse is.
> 
> ...



So, that said, you're willing to continue to take the abuse?  In the end, that is your choice, and yours alone, to make.  IMHO though, if you opt to stay and continue to deal with the abuse, then I would either A) not complain about it, since you're not willing to remove yourself from the bad situation, and B) make sure that at the least, you're calling the police, each time an incident happens.  Furthermore, I would refrain from doing anything such as restraining or blocking.  You're already bringing headaches on yourself, why bring on more?


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## wimwag (Mar 22, 2014)

stonewall1350 said:


> You need to press charges and divorce her. "For the kids" is a stupid and idiotic excuse you are telling yourself because you are scared of change. Just ask yourself if you want your kids around abusive parent/s...or 2 independent and emotionally stable parents? You don't have to be together to raise a functional happy kid. I teach kids. Even kids of divorced parents are happy, but kids in abusive families rarely are.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk






Or kids in foster care and group homes.  That's always a possibility too.  You never know how far she will take it and once a line gets crossed the state steps in.  Good luck getting them back after that.





Sent from my Nokia Lumia using Tapatalk and glitchy Windows 8


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## stonewall1350 (Mar 22, 2014)

wimwag said:


> Or kids in foster care and group homes.  That's always a possibility too.  You never know how far she will take it and once a line gets crossed the state steps in.  Good luck getting them back after that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yea. Very true. A home with abuse is very likely to see that.


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## Carol (Mar 22, 2014)

Many abused people unfortunately get "addicted" to the relationship.  Its a pattern much like gambling addiction.  They hate the losses/abuse.  But the little payouts here and there hooks them in to hoping for a big payout.

I don't know if that's the case here but a good counselor would.  And then once identified, the next step is to break the addiction and keep it broken. When the addiction is broken, then the person can next steps.  Unfortunately sometimes this can be a race against time.  Can the abused parent break the addiction, step up and move foreward before the state steps in and makes everything more complicated?


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## wimwag (Mar 22, 2014)

stonewall1350 said:


> Yea. Very true. A home with abuse is very likely to see that.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk






absolute truth.  Its how I grew up.  Concrete treatment for the kid that tries to improve the quality of his life in captivity.





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