# Relationship / Dating advice



## Chrisinmd (Dec 7, 2020)

A little background first. Went on 4 dates with a really beautiful woman. Smart woman who has a great career as well. 3rd date she invited me over to her place and she wanted me to bring sushi over. (Not a big fan of sushi myself but that what she wanted me to bring). We both ate the sushi and talked for a bit which then led to sex multiple times that evening. Great sex it was a wild and fun night. I guess Sushi is really an aphrodisiac after all! lol. For the 4th date we went out had a great dinner and conversation at a nice restaurant. Everything seemed to go well.

Well today I get a text from her that says the following. * Not so sure how to say this so delicatlely, so I will just say it. Not sure we should see each other more. There is nothing wrong. I just don't think I am feeling the spark or developing any emotional interest. Wouldn't want to lead you on, as you seem like a genuine guy who has good intentions. End of text. *

Text caught me off guard and didn't expect it. Thought we were getting along great. Although thinking back at the end of the 4th date she did not invite me back to her place which was just a couple blocks away. Didn't think much of it at the time. It was a weekday and I knew she had a early day at work the next day.  So how should I respond? She is an amazing woman and I would like to get her to give me another chance and keep seeing her. Don't want to sound desperate when I text her back. Any suggestions how I should respond? Thanks


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## jobo (Dec 7, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> A little background first. Went on 4 dates with a really beautiful woman. Smart woman who has a great career as well. 3rd date she invited me over to her place and she wanted me to bring sushi over. (Not a big fan of sushi myself but that what she wanted me to bring). We both ate the sushi and talked for a bit which then led to sex multiple times that evening. Great sex it was a wild and fun night. I guess Sushi is really an aphrodisiac after all! lol. For the 4th date we went out had a great dinner and conversation at a nice restaurant. Everything seemed to go well.
> 
> Well today I get a text from her that says the following. * Not so sure how to say this so delicatlely, so I will just say it. Not sure we should see each other more. There is nothing wrong. I just don't think I am feeling the spark or developing any emotional interest. Wouldn't want to lead you on, as you seem like a genuine guy who has good intentions. End of text. *
> 
> Text caught me off guard and didn't expect it. Thought we were getting along great. Although thinking back at the end of the 4th date she did not invite me back to her place which was just a couple blocks away. Didn't think much of it at the time. It was a weekday and I knew she had a early day at work the next day.  So how should I respond? She is an amazing woman and I would like to get her to give me another chance and keep seeing her. Don't want to sound desperate when I text her back. Any suggestions how I should respond? Thanks


it sounbds like she made her mind up, there no way round that with out sounding desperate and sounding desperate  is the surest way if not getting them back

leave the door open, say somerhibg like.

thats a shame, i enjoyed our time together, give me a text if you fancy meeting up for a cofee and a catch up some time.

that way if she does have a change of heart, there a clear path back with iut her loosing face

other that just move on, theres millions of them, try and get one that doesnt like shushi


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## Steve (Dec 7, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> A little background first. Went on 4 dates with a really beautiful woman. Smart woman who has a great career as well. 3rd date she invited me over to her place and she wanted me to bring sushi over. (Not a big fan of sushi myself but that what she wanted me to bring). We both ate the sushi and talked for a bit which then led to sex multiple times that evening. Great sex it was a wild and fun night. I guess Sushi is really an aphrodisiac after all! lol. For the 4th date we went out had a great dinner and conversation at a nice restaurant. Everything seemed to go well.
> 
> Well today I get a text from her that says the following. * Not so sure how to say this so delicatlely, so I will just say it. Not sure we should see each other more. There is nothing wrong. I just don't think I am feeling the spark or developing any emotional interest. Wouldn't want to lead you on, as you seem like a genuine guy who has good intentions. End of text. *
> 
> Text caught me off guard and didn't expect it. Thought we were getting along great. Although thinking back at the end of the 4th date she did not invite me back to her place which was just a couple blocks away. Didn't think much of it at the time. It was a weekday and I knew she had a early day at work the next day.  So how should I respond? She is an amazing woman and I would like to get her to give me another chance and keep seeing her. Don't want to sound desperate when I text her back. Any suggestions how I should respond? Thanks


How should you respond?  You thank her, tell her you enjoyed getting to know her, and wish her well.  If you like, you can leave it open ended and tell her she's welcome to call or text you if she likes.  Full stop.  Don't call her after that.  Don't text her after that.


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## Yokozuna514 (Dec 7, 2020)

Ok, I guess I am dating myself here and it has been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, however, the last time I was put in this kind of situation I sent the girl a cassette tape with this song:   




It pretty much said everything I wanted to say in a way I wanted to say it.  Plus, it's Canadian eh !


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## jobo (Dec 7, 2020)

Yokozuna514 said:


> Ok, I guess I am dating myself here and it has been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, however, the last time I was put in this kind of situation I sent the girl a cassette tape with this song:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


things have changed dedicating songs and sending them eill get you classed as a staker

im my extensive exsperiance of women calling time on our relationship, then polite indifferance is the best policy, it matters later than you didnt make a fool of yourself, it also seems to have a high likelyhood of encouraging them to return a few weeks later, when you can have the great satisfaction of politely and indifferently  declining their offer to resume if you change,, priceless


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## Buka (Dec 7, 2020)

There's a whole lot of fish in the sea. Cast away, brother.


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## Chrisinmd (Dec 7, 2020)

Steve said:


> How should you respond?  You thank her, tell her you enjoyed getting to know her, and wish her well.  If you like, you can leave it open ended and tell her she's welcome to call or text you if she likes.  Full stop.  Don't call her after that.  Don't text her after that.



I replied "I must say I am very surprised by your text.  I had a great time with you and would love to see you more, but I respect your space and feelings. Take care.

She basically texted me back saying she "I didnt do anything wrong she just felt we were running out of things to talk about and that isn't blaming me and its just as much her fault as mine."

Guess I didnt keep the spark alive and wasan't interesting enough going forward.  I thought we had good conversation our last date but guess we didnt.  Oh well it is to bad I liked her.


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## jobo (Dec 7, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> I replied "I must say I am very surprised by your text.  I had a great time with you and would love to see you more, but I respect your space and feelings. Take care.
> 
> She basically texted me back saying she "I didnt do anything wrong she just felt we were running out of things to talk about and that isn't blaming me and its just as much her fault as mine."
> 
> Guess I didnt keep the spark alive and wasan't interesting enough going forward.  I thought we had good conversation our last date but guess we didnt.  Oh well it is to bad I liked her.


this may come as a suprise but people dont aleays tell the truth,  and as soon as they say its not you its me, you kbow they are lying, of course its you.



but what ever she is looking for it isnt you, thats no reflection on you, just a fact  ,

of course you intresting, you do the best what if? post ive ever seen.

as a rule of thumb, when you start dattibg again, avoid situations that dont have distractions,( sex coubts as a distraction) so no long romantic meals where conversation can run out, pictures, theater, football game, what have you, then you talk about what yoyr goibg to see, see it, then talk about what youve seen, dont be to available to fit her,schedule,  have things you have to work round even if you make them up, that inits self makes you nore intresting


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## Steve (Dec 7, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> I replied "I must say I am very surprised by your text.  I had a great time with you and would love to see you more, but I respect your space and feelings. Take care.
> 
> She basically texted me back saying she "I didnt do anything wrong she just felt we were running out of things to talk about and that isn't blaming me and its just as much her fault as mine."
> 
> Guess I didnt keep the spark alive and wasan't interesting enough going forward.  I thought we had good conversation our last date but guess we didnt.  Oh well it is to bad I liked her.


I've created a simple visual representation of your short relationship.


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Dec 7, 2020)

Can't really comment on most of this, but do want to back up @jobo 's point. From what you post here, you seem interesting and able to keep on a conversation. Don't focus on it too much (or keep texting trying to get the last word), and continue on from there.


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## ShortBridge (Dec 7, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> I replied "I must say I am very surprised by your text.  I had a great time with you and would love to see you more, but I respect your space and feelings. Take care.
> 
> She basically texted me back saying she "I didnt do anything wrong she just felt we were running out of things to talk about and that isn't blaming me and its just as much her fault as mine."
> 
> Guess I didnt keep the spark alive and wasan't interesting enough going forward.  I thought we had good conversation our last date but guess we didnt.  Oh well it is to bad I liked her.



I think you handled it perfectly. You didn't hide your feelings. She can't tell herself now that you weren't interested anyway, but you respected her move.

My added perspective on this is the people are extremely complex. Her decision could be about virtually anything. Might be as simple as she states, but maybe she's not over someone else. On the the other end of the spectrum, maybe she has intimacy issues and she tends to bail when she feels something that seems to be headed somewhere. 

The way that you played it, it's possible that she may come back around, but you get to walk away knowing that you were a good guy and sometimes (usually) things just don't work out between two people. If she's  this unpredictable, maybe it's best early vs 6 months from now when you're really in deep.


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## jobo (Dec 7, 2020)

ShortBridge said:


> I think you handled it perfectly. You didn't hide your feelings. She can't tell herself now that you weren't interested anyway, but you respected her move.
> 
> My added perspective on this is the people are extremely complex. Her decision could be about virtually anything. Might be as simple as she states, but maybe she's not over someone else. On the the other end of the spectrum, maybe she has intimacy issues and she tends to bail when she feels something that seems to be headed somewhere.
> 
> The way that you played it, it's possible that she may come back around, but you get to walk away knowing that you were a good guy and sometimes (usually) things just don't work out between two people. If she's  this unpredictable, maybe it's best early vs 6 months from now when you're really in deep.


hmm, yes, he said from exsperiance.

a girl started on reception where i worked, she was 17 years yibger than me and very pretty, so i asked her for a drink after work, she sais she would love to but was busy with a breakup,  so i took that as a no and carried on chattibg to her in passing.

fully 3 months later, she said, do you still want that drink, i did, so we did

when we sat down, she anounced, that she didnt in anyway want a boy friend, she wanted a friend she had sex with when it suited, no commitments no explanations,  no asking where she had been or been with.

ok i said soubds goid to me, and she left, i walked out, looked to the heavens  and said, thank you god,, just what ive always wanted, sex with a loverly girl, no relationship rubbish

so we went on like that, slowly seeing more of each other, till she anoubced  after 6 months she wanted to get married, bugger i thought, that messed that up.

so we got married and were reaspnably happy, till she anoubced after 18 months that she didnt want to be married any more and could we go back to friends with benifits,, no i said,

fully 10 years later, i asked another very  pretty 27 year old out and she said, yes, but what i want is a no commitment relationship, just friends that have sex

i made my excuses and left, wasnt going through that again


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## Chrisinmd (Dec 7, 2020)

jobo said:


> this may come as a suprise but people dont aleays tell the truth,  and as soon as they say its not you its me, you kbow they are lying, of course its you.
> 
> as a rule of thumb, when you start dattibg again, avoid situations that dont have distractions,( sex coubts as a distraction) so no long romantic meals where conversation can run out, pictures, theater, football game, what have you, then you talk about what yoyr goibg to see, see it, then talk about what youve seen, dont be to available to fit her,schedule,  have things you have to work round even if you make them up, that inits self makes you nore intresting



Good thoughts Jobo. Yes I realize she is lying to me with the it's not you it's me crap. She is just being polite.

I do like your idea about doing things with distractions where you dont have to try so hard to maintain conversation. Makes sense things like museums or a ball game where there is always something to comment on. Good advice for the future


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Dec 7, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> Good thoughts Jobo. Yes I realize she is lying to me with the it's not you it's me crap. She is just being polite.
> 
> I do like your idea about doing things with distractions where you dont have to try so hard to maintain conversation. Makes sense things like museums or a ball game where there is always something to comment on. Good advice for the future


Just fyi, a ball game only works if they're interested in the sport. Many women don't want to go to one, and there's a good chance that you'll end up spending more time watching the game than paying attention to them. Which is fine if they're also into the game, and a good way to not get a second date if they're not.


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## isshinryuronin (Dec 7, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> So how should I respond? She is an amazing woman and I would like to get her to give me another chance and keep seeing her. Don't want to sound desperate when I text her back. Any suggestions how I should respond?



Boy, did you come to the wrong place!


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## Chrisinmd (Dec 7, 2020)

ShortBridge said:


> I think you handled it perfectly. You didn't hide your feelings. She can't tell herself now that you weren't interested anyway, but you respected her move.
> 
> My added perspective on this is the people are extremely complex. Her decision could be about virtually anything. Might be as simple as she states, but maybe she's not over someone else. On the the other end of the spectrum, maybe she has intimacy issues and she tends to bail when she feels something that seems to be headed somewhere.


Yes people are very complex. She had just gotten through a divorce not to long ago and I suspect I was the first guy she had dated /slept with since her marriage ended. So I think she wanted some fun not anything serious. Which would have been fine with me I just wanted the "fun" to continue longer.


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## JowGaWolf (Dec 7, 2020)

isshinryuronin said:


> Boy, did you come to the wrong place!


But I'm glad I got to read it. It gave me a few chuckles.


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## Chrisinmd (Dec 8, 2020)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> Just fyi, a ball game only works if they're interested in the sport. Many women don't want to go to one, and there's a good chance that you'll end up spending more time watching the game than paying attention to them. Which is fine if they're also into the game, and a good way to not get a second date if they're not.



Agree. Sport event would only work if the woman is interested and have fun at the particular sport event as well.  Ideally should be a activity both the man and woman enjoy.  So the guy dosent have to suffer through a night at the Opera or some crap like that


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## Chrisinmd (Dec 8, 2020)

isshinryuronin said:


> Boy, did you come to the wrong place!



I think its the right place.  I wanted the perspective from some from some tough alpha males!  Dosen't always mean its good advice but I wanted the point of view!  I think the advice so far has good good though so thanks


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## jobo (Dec 8, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> Agree. Sport event would only work if the woman is interested and have fun at the particular sport event as well.  Ideally should be a activity both the man and woman enjoy.  So the guy dosent have to suffer through a night at the Opera or some crap like that


well clearly you run it by her first, a great number of women enjoy sport,

its also a little test for the future , if they cant shut the flip up and prtend to look happy for a coupke of hours whilst you watch a game, there is absolutly no future in the relationship

i finished with the most attractive  girl ive ever been out with over the same issue.

i put the match on, ( at her house) and she turned it off, said we are not watchibg that, it was a europeanian cup semi final, so not even an ordinary match, so i packed and went home to watch it.

she tried apologising,  but it was to no avail,  i wasnt having somepne that selfish and inconsiderate in my life, , it wasnt going to improve any if i settled down with her, a life of not watching sport lay ahead of me


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## Chrisinmd (Dec 8, 2020)

jobo said:


> its also a little test for the future , if they cant shut the flip up and prtend to look happy for a coupke of hours whilst you watch a game, there is absolutly no future in the relationship
> 
> i finished with the most attractive  girl ive ever been out with over the same issue.
> 
> ...



Ive been in relationships with women in the past who didnt like sports.  Its not a problem as long as she leaves you the hell alone so you can enjoy it.  I'll be watching the game in one room and she would be off in the other room sewing a quilt or talking on the phone or whatever.  Works for me.

I would agree with you her turning off the game on tv on you is not cool and not a good sign!  Good think you left!


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## Steve (Dec 8, 2020)

Huh.  I never dated a stereotype before.  How exciting for you.  


Chrisinmd said:


> Ive been in relationships with women in the past who didnt like sports.  Its not a problem as long as she leaves you the hell alone so you can enjoy it.  I'll be watching the game in one room and she would be off in the other room sewing a quilt or talking on the phone or whatever.  Works for me.
> 
> I would agree with you her turning off the game on tv on you is not cool and not a good sign!  Good think you left!


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## Gerry Seymour (Dec 9, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> Good thoughts Jobo. Yes I realize she is lying to me with the it's not you it's me crap. She is just being polite.
> 
> I do like your idea about doing things with distractions where you dont have to try so hard to maintain conversation. Makes sense things like museums or a ball game where there is always something to comment on. Good advice for the future


"It's not you, it's me" can mean exactly that. I once broke up with someone I'd been with for 8 years, and it was entirely because I was having a personal crisis (linked to my career) at the time, and didn't know how to process it. It was literally in no way about her, but I didn't understand at the time what it was about.

Sometimes people mean what they say, even if what they say doesn't tell the whole story.

BTW, my best guess is that there's something she needs in a partner that just isn't you. Something about her template you just don't happen to fit. In which case, it's about her need, not anything wrong with you.


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## Gerry Seymour (Dec 9, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> Yes people are very complex. She had just gotten through a divorce not to long ago and I suspect I was the first guy she had dated /slept with since her marriage ended. So I think she wanted some fun not anything serious. Which would have been fine with me I just wanted the "fun" to continue longer.


In a situation like that, she's almost certainly processing what she wants next. And she'll have a lot of conflicting emotions. Out of a major breakup, most folks have a craving for intimacy (to fill the void they feel), and often accept intimacy they might not at another time, so they go farther in relationships (and seem more "into" the relationship) than really fits their long-term needs. It's part of the process of finding their path again.


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## Gerry Seymour (Dec 9, 2020)

jobo said:


> its also a little test for the future , if they cant shut the flip up and prtend to look happy for a coupke of hours whilst you watch a game, there is absolutly no future in the relationship


Only true if that's what you're looking for in a relationship.


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## jobo (Dec 9, 2020)

gpseymour said:


> Only true if that's what you're looking for in a relationship.


well watching a,socxer game may be optional, but everybody has or should have some red lines, where the partner is if not an eager participent at least l
has the ability to tolerate it with a cheerful demeanor

at the very very least, allows you to go and do it on your own, with friends and not insist on rival attractions that co incided with your me time

ive seen many many relationship that are very one sided , in this regard. " i dont want to do that? and your stoppibg home to keep me company or visit my mother or anything really. in ny last mmarrage, she spent her evening watch complete crap on the telly, i spent mine in a cold garage messing with one of my aurmtonove devices, follow by a game of snooker,  this aparentlyvwas me being neglectful and inconsiderate, and shpuld have turned my brain to jelly and joined her, i wasnt insisting she sat in a cold garage, to keep me company, but it was me that was beibg unrrasonable , so the divorce papers said

if you pretend to be agreeable tp being controled early in the relationship,  your only storing up trouble and resentment for later


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## granfire (Dec 12, 2020)

Chrisinmd said:


> Good thoughts Jobo. Yes I realize she is lying to me with the it's not you it's me crap. She is just being polite.
> 
> I do like your idea about doing things with distractions where you dont have to try so hard to maintain conversation. Makes sense things like museums or a ball game where there is always something to comment on. Good advice for the future



well, it doesn't matter why. The point is she doesn't want it. 
And there is really nothing you can do besides wishing her good luck. 

Otherwise, you might as well send her that mix tape. 

Sorry, it sucks.
But there are plenty of gals out there.


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