# The Cynic's Guide to Life



## KenpoTess (Dec 12, 2003)

1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food
groups:
the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in- the-back- of-the-fridge-is" group.

10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.


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## GaryM (Dec 13, 2003)

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights

The lion shall lay down with the lamb, but the lamb won't get much sleep.

Hard work pays off in the long run, but lazyness provides instant gratification.


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## Ender (Dec 13, 2003)

Full speed ahead...We'll determine direction later!


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## Mithios (Dec 16, 2003)

He,He


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## Jmh7331 (Dec 16, 2003)

He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 

A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 

Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't. 

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 

Honk if you love peace and quiet. 

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. 

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 

I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few. 

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription. 

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity they can train humans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?


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## RCastillo (Dec 16, 2003)

> _Originally posted by KenpoTess _
> *1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
> 
> 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
> ...



My Queen, are you talking to me???


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## Chronuss (Jan 7, 2004)

> Originally posted by KenpoTess
> *6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.*



...I've actually done this a few times...


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## Seig (Jan 9, 2004)

Life is like a box of chocolates, some smartass has probably slipped in an exlax.


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## Cryozombie (Jan 10, 2004)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *Life is like a box of chocolates, some smartass has probably slipped in an exlax. *



I once heard women are like a box of chocolates, 

You gotta pay more for the good ones.


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## Chronuss (Jan 11, 2004)

...from that statement...jokes just write themselves....


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