# What do you tell your kids about classroom bullies?



## geocad (Aug 30, 2007)

I'm not sure where this post should go so I put it here and expect a mod will move it.

What do you tell your kids about a bully in his/her classroom at school?  I just found out that my son had gotten his brownie taken from him and thrown away yesterday during lunch by another kid in his kindergarten class.  My son is the youngest in his kindergarten class but not the smallest but maybe the least mature.  

He is in his 2nd semester of MA (a total of about 6 months of official class training).  I think he's tough enough to stand up and defend himself but I'm not sure he knows whether he should.  I think the whole incident just made him confused and sad.

I'd like to hear how you would have handled situations like this before I tell you what I said to my son. 

Thanks for your advice.

~G


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## Drac (Aug 30, 2007)

Did he tell his teacher???


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## JBrainard (Aug 30, 2007)

I'll get to the OP's concerns in a moment. But first: I'm glad this was brought up because this is something I've been struggling with lately. My family just moved into a pretty "white trash" apartment complex, where there are a lot of kids for my 5 year old son to interact with. Unfortunately, there is of course the bully, king of the hill type kid in the bunch. He singled out my son immediately (I guess 'cuz he's new?). Anyway, after he terrorized my son one particular time (no need for specifics), it's been an uphill battle trying to explain to a 5 year old the nuances of standing up for yourself (both physically and verbally), not starting fights, and standing up for your friends. This has been a work in progress. High point: One day the bully grabbed my son by the collar and was yelling in his face, my son responded by pulling away, waiting until the bully got on his bike, and then pushed him off said bike. Go Avery! Low point: My son saw some kids fighting from our balcony and started shouting "I'm going to beat you up" and then "My dad knows karate and he's going to beat you up." He got another talking to after that.
As to the OP's dilemma: Sorry to say, but it's going to be a rough ride. As I illustrated above, appropriate self defense is hard for a child to understand and will take a lot of coaching. Just drill into him (no matter how many times it takes) what is appropriate for certain situations and what isn't. Good luck. I think it will work out for both of us in the end.


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## Kacey (Aug 30, 2007)

As a teacher, I have to say, first, that yes, kids _need to tell the teacher_!!!!  I cannot count the number of time parents have come to me, complaining about things that happen in school - or out - that happen in places/times the teacher doesn't see - the bathroom, the hallways, the back corner of the room, etc. - and want to know why I haven't done anything about it.  There are 30 kids in a room, and 1 of me... I'm just _not_ going to see everything, no matter how hard I try.

If the child tells the teacher, and nothing happens, the parent needs to talk to the teacher next.  Yes, parents can overdo it - but I would much rather have parents who try to micromanage their children's education than parents who can't be reached, can't be bothered, and expect me to be teacher, parent, psychologist, cop, and confessor to their kids.

If the parent talks to the teacher, and nothing happens, talk to the principal (or assistant for that grade, if there is one), or the school counselor.  If the teacher is not responding, the administration needs to know; if the child his having problems in more than one class, then the counselor is the most likely person to know about it.

Yes, kids should stand up for themselves... *however*, there are rules in school that must be followed.  Due to the current climate (political, cultural, etc.), _any_ child who gets in to a fight at school can face disciplinary action - no matter who started it.  One of my former TKD students was being bullied in the 8th grade; the other boy called him names, called his brother and mother names, did anything he could think of to make my student strike first; when that didn't work, he punched my student, who stood there and blocked (blocks only, no strikes) until a teacher arrived.  They were both suspended for being a fight - because laws about "no tolerance" have reached that point; the schools _must_ follow the laws even in such cases.  

Standing up for themselves should include learning how to ignore verbal taunts (bullies target kids who are visibly annoyed by taunts, and perform in front of kids who enjoy watching the target react - take that away, there is no reinforcement for the bully's behavior - but it takes a while).  Standing up also needs to include when to go for an adult.  This is a hard one for many kids - and they need to be taught the difference between tattling and getting help when it's needed.  Kids also need to be taught to walk away - when, and how, and where to go.  These skills also help kids resist peer pressure, as they get older and are pressured to drink, use drugs, and engage in other illegal activities.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear - that your child should beat up the child who is annoying him - but that's the way the world is today.  You don't go out and beat up people who annoy you at work, and your child shouldn't be beating up people who annoys him at school.  Defend himself, yes - but that defense doesn't have to be physical, and in the majority of instances, it _shouldn't_ be physical.


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## JBrainard (Aug 30, 2007)

Kacey said:


> Yes, kids should stand up for themselves... however, there are rules in school that must be followed. Due to the current climate (political, cultural, etc.), _any_ child who gets in to a fight at school can face disciplinary action - no matter who started it. One of my former TKD students was being bullied in the 8th grade; the other boy called him names, called his brother and mother names, did anything he could think of to make my student strike first; when that didn't work, he punched my student, who stood there and blocked (blocks only, no strikes) until a teacher arrived. _t_ follow the laws *They were both suspended for being a fight* - because laws about "no tolerance" have reached that point; the schools _mus_even in such cases.


 
Food for thought: If they are both going to be punished for fighting, why only block instead of get a strike in. This way the bully knows that if he messes with this kid in the future he's going to get socked. Again, as you pointed out: the punishment is the same either way.



Kacey said:


> Standing up for themselves should include learning how to ignore verbal taunts (bullies target kids who are visibly annoyed by taunts, and perform in front of kids who enjoy watching the target react - take that away, there is no reinforcement for the bully's behavior - but it takes a while)...Kids also need to be taught to walk away - when, and how, and where to go. These skills also help kids resist peer pressure, as they get older and are pressured to drink, use drugs, and engage in other illegal activities.


 
Absolutely.



Kacey said:


> Standing up also needs to include when to go for an adult. This is a hard one for many kids - and they need to be taught the difference between tattling and getting help when it's needed.


 
This isn't the politically correct thing to say, but it is playground reality: If you encourage kids to go get an adult when faced with a confrontation, you might as well put a big red sign on their back that says "Cry Baby." And this, besides the humiliation in front of their peers, will make them an even bigger target for bullies.



Kacey said:


> I know this isn't what you wanted to hear - that your child should beat up the child who is annoying him - but that's the way the world is today. You don't go out and beat up people who annoy you at work, and your child shouldn't be beating up people who annoys him at school. Defend himself, yes - but that defense doesn't have to be physical, and in the majority of instances, it _shouldn't_ be physical.


 
You can't really compare adult confrontations with kid confrontations, as they are different in innumerous ways.
In the end, all we can do is teach our kids what is appropriate *for their age and their environment*.


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## geocad (Aug 30, 2007)

Apparently, my son didn't tell the lunch duty teacher or his kindergarten teach what happen.

Now that I read Kacey's reply, I'm a little (just a little) ashamed of part of my advice to my son. I told my son that if he (or any kid) grabs his stuff again that he is to stand up and say very laudly 'DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF' and to use his angry face. I told him that he should then tell the duty teacher (this was during lunch so his lunch duty teacher was actually his/our TKD instructor too). I then said that if the bully gets in his face and tries to touch (or hit) him that he is aloud to push the other kids button (fist to nose). 

I told him that if he doesn't stand up for himself as soon as possible the other kid will always pick on and bully him. I reinforced that he not only tell the duty teacher but when class starts again to tell his class teacher. After I told my son that he needs to tell the other kid not to touch him or his stuff, my son seemed to be happy about that advice. He even practiced with me how he would say it and what his mad face looked like. Then he showed me technique number one for white belt 

I didn't get a phone call from his school so I guess everything is okay for now.


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## tshadowchaser (Aug 30, 2007)

I must ask:
are you addressing the OP as a problem to be discussed as a problem that could be discussed from a instructors view point or more as a parent?

the answers may be different
if from both points of view this might be get more answers in the general area of the forum


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## MA-Caver (Aug 30, 2007)

Kacey's statements (as a teacher) are right on. No arguments there. It's hard enough trying to maintain attention spans of the classes, let alone trying to micromanaging (maintaining order) them before/during/after classes while school is in session. 

JBrainard, your kid is only 5 years old and while has the capacity to understand what you say he has limited capacity to understand the application of what you say. Most kids that old are in the moment. Later on they get the "what-if" scenarios skills and learn judgmental applications as time goes on. But, IMO; teaching him NOW to not be afraid to stand up for himself will go a long way when he's in jr. high and on to highschool where bullies are increasingly more threatening and (sadly) more dangerous. Do the best you can and hey, would it hurt to get to know the rest of the neighbors? Kinda talk to them about their opinions on kids fighting, bullying and so on? At least you'll get a glimpse of what those "bullies" are getting at home, via the parent's views on the topic. 
If you're challenged by a parent: "...are you saying that MY kid is picking on YOUR kid?" Say no, just one of the kids around here is giving him a hard time (white lie) dunno exactly who it is. At least you're not finger-pointing but giving the potential bully's parents something to think about. Maybe they don't know what a brute they got in their home. Butch at home or in the presence of adults is a good, shiny halo wearing kid, but Butch around only kids is the terror of the neighborhood/apt. complex. 
Still give your tyke some encouragements about standing up for himself and wisdom to know when he's over his head and to run like hell back to the safety of the house/apt. and to scream his head off should he not make it. Hopefully an adult nearby will see what's up. 
Another good reason to get to know your neighbors. They'll help keep an eye/ear out for your kid if they get the idea/good feeling that you'll do the same for theirs. 

Bullies ... they're *everyone's* bane I think at one time or another in one form or another. Lord knows I've had my share. Lord knows that I've learned (the hard way) when it was okay to tell at teacher/principal and when to stand up and fight like mad best as I could against a bigger opponent. It was the fighting back (and subsquent losses) that spurred my interest in MA to begin with.  

But since this thread is under "School Management" and that is mainly focused on Martial Arts School(s) ... I think it would be rare to find the typical bully in a MA-classroom or even outside of it. If there is one then the head instructor isn't doing what they need to do. 

One more; the comment about utilizing the skills garnered from regular attendance to a MA-school out on the streets I think has been mentioned/discussed here before. General consensus I believe was when it's absolutely necessary and only at the absolute minimum.


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## Kacey (Aug 30, 2007)

JBrainard said:


> Food for thought: If they are both going to be punished for fighting, why only block instead of get a strike in. This way the bully knows that if he messes with this kid in the future he's going to get socked. Again, as you pointed out: the punishment is the same either way.



Because the one who only blocked got suspended; the one who punched got expelled.



JBrainard said:


> This isn't the politically correct thing to say, but it is playground reality: If you encourage kids to go get an adult when faced with a confrontation, you might as well put a big red sign on their back that says "Cry Baby." And this, besides the humiliation in front of their peers, will make them an even bigger target for bullies.



Too many kids run for adults too fast, true - but there are also way too many kids who don't run for adults when they should.  Like anything else, balance is required... thus my comparison of running for help appropriately (good) to being a tattle tale (bad)




JBrainard said:


> You can't really compare adult confrontations with kid confrontations, as they are different in innumerous ways.



What children learn from interacting as children is how to interact as adults... I know far too many playground bullies who grew up to be bullying adults.  I also know too many tattle tales who grew up unwilling - or unable - to take responsibility for their own actions.

In this day and age, with elementary children being arrested for attacking teachers, I cannot condone telling a young child to fight - especially since children the age you describe are not able to differentiate _when_ to fight, as could be seen in the example you gave with the bicycle.



JBrainard said:


> In the end, all we can do is teach our kids what is appropriate *for their age and their environment*.



Can't really dispute that... I simply disagree with your definition of appropriate, based on my personal experiences.


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## Gordon Nore (Aug 30, 2007)

First, to JBrainard and geocad, my heart goes out to you. I was bullied as a kid -- especially in middle school. I've raised a child in the school system -- he just graduated high school. As a teacher, I've worked with kids from Kindergarten to grade eight. Without a doubt, bullying is the most serious concern I face in my job on a day-to-day basis. I know how agonizing this is for everyone.



Kacey said:


> As a teacher, I have to say, first, that yes, kids _need to tell the teacher_!!!!  I cannot count the number of time parents have come to me, complaining about things that happen in school - or out - that happen in places/times the teacher doesn't see - the bathroom, the hallways, the back corner of the room, etc. - and want to know why I haven't done anything about it.  There are 30 kids in a room, and 1 of me... I'm just _not_ going to see everything, no matter how hard I try.



Kacey said everything I would have said, but I'd like to add a few thoughts.

I grew up in the days when the boys' handbook said you never back down from a bully and never run from a fight. I understand that thinking, but it doesn't work well anymore. We can't count on physical confrontations being limited to one-on-one fisticuffs behind the school. I don't have a problem with kids defending themselves; however, I do worry about children learning to depend on their fighting skills in the face of adversity because 'bullies' don't play by any kind of rule book. 

There have been three stabbings in my son's schooling career. In his junior high school, a grade seven girl was stabbed in the washroom. Later that year, in an unrelated incident, his principal was stabbed in her office. In his tenth grade year, an eleventh-grader was fatally stabbed on the street just yards from the school. All three victims were stabbed in the back -- they never saw it coming. I'm all in favour of martial arts and self-defense, but I question the extent to which we can or should attempt to prepare a child for that level of malevolence.

Now, back to my kid. He's fierce -- a much better fighter than I am. He started out training with me when he was in elementary school. By middle school he switched to Kali. He knows far more about how to use and defend against bladed and impact weapons than I ever will. After the stabbing at his high school, he told me once, "I just assume that everyone is carrying, so I don't mix it up with anybody." I was deeply impressed by his street smarts and saddened by this apparent loss of innocence all at the same time. I'll take the loss of innocence over my kid getting hurt any day.

I think one of the first things that has to happen is that we need to stop calling this phenomenon "bullying" and start using adult words like "assault" and "harassment." Adults have to be persistent in getting kids to speak up because the "Stop Snitching" mentality is invading our schools and neighbourhoods. Parents and teachers need to stay in touch even after bullying has been "dealt with." Just about everyone from cops to courts to social workers agree that youthful offender legislation my country is out of date, but we have not found the will to change it.

I've seen a couple of incidents where kids dummied up after adults intervened, perhaps to avoid retribution or -- I suspect -- because the adults wanted their anti-bullying strategies to work so badly that the kid who was victimized thought it was his fault that he was still being bullied.

The sad reality about many bullies is that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. A kid who repeatedly harasses others has often had that behaviour modeled for him or her. The bullying strategies vary from kids who are openly violent to those use language in a very sophisticated way, to social alienation, and on and on. Parents of victims are sometimes slow to respond, either because they don't the understand the extent or impact of bullying. 

In other words, I think "bullying" (God, I hate that word) in our schools and communities is a real mess. The best I can offer victims and their parents is to be persistent in reporting.


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## Gordon Nore (Aug 30, 2007)

Kacey said:


> Because the one who only blocked got suspended; the one who punched got expelled.



This is frustrating to hear, but I understand how that happens.



Kacey said:


> Too many kids run for adults too fast, true - but there are also way too many kids who don't run for adults when they should.  Like anything else, balance is required... thus my comparison of running for help appropriately (good) to being a tattle tale (bad)



This is a very difficult lesson to teach to some younger children. It can be very nuanced, and some kids don't get the message. I'm actually very careful not to call kids "tattle tales." I tend to ask very specific questions of the teller: _Is so-and-so doing something dangerous? Is he hurting himself or others?_ If not, then I explain that the student is doing a teacher job.



Kacey said:


> What children learn from interacting as children is how to interact as adults... I know far too many playground bullies who grew up to be bullying adults.  I also know too many tattle tales who grew up unwilling - or unable - to take responsibility for their own actions.



Agreed whole-heartedly. Additionally, as I wrote above, I worry about victims developing the habit of responding aggressively to every conflict. I don't know about everybody else here, but I periodically find myself in conflict with some adults (or people who profess to be adults). I find people generally are becoming more aggressive, hostile, mistrustful -- it takes a lot of different strategies to deal with conflict.



Kacey said:


> In this day and age, with elementary children being arrested for attacking teachers, I cannot condone telling a young child to fight - especially since children the age you describe are not able to differentiate _when_ to fight...



You've hit the nail right on the head. One can send a five-year-old to TKD and have him or her to learn to block, punch and kick. Those deeper messages about when it's ok to fight take some time to learn. I think it's asking too much of a Kindergartener to delineate between the need for self-defense and the gratification from dusting up a bully.

Kacey, if I may say so, I can tell that you are an excellent teacher.


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## Sukerkin (Aug 30, 2007)

Gosh, how things have changed since I was a kid!  

I was going to recount how I had to handle physical bullying when I was at secondary school (aged 11) but I don't think that my experiences are even remotely relevant to the glimpses of todays environment that the above posts reveal.

Then again, all perspectives may have something to offer I suppose.  

When I was a child, I was very aggressive and violent - not of a bullying nature per se but I was always ready to negotiate a disagreement with my fists ... or worse ... 

... I remember with shame throwing my best friend into a stream and not letting him out, no matter how he cried, until he found my model Mercedes he'd chucked into that same stream in a fit of jealousy .

... I also remember, with a sort of grudging pride, having a fight with a much older cousin and being so fierce that he clocked me in the face with a yard-brush, knocking loose my front teeth.  I prompty spat them out and surged back up from the ground to the attack ... at which point he ran off :  .

You get the image from those mini-windows.  It took my father years to beat that auto-aggressive response out of me {I was mule-stubborn as well :hides:}.  However, by the time I got to secondary school, he had succeeded in giving me the necessary self control.

I'm sure I've told this story here before but in my first week at high school I became the target of a couple of would-be Alpha's, who figured it would do their status good to beat up on the speccy-four-eyed brainy kid.

My father had done his job rather too well, I have to say, in that not only had he given my the discipline not to resort to violence at the drop of a hat but that I now found it impossible to release that discipline enough to actually defend myself.  

So, the bully-boys gave me a couple of blows and knocked me down.  

I got back up ... and they knocked me down again.  

I got back up and tried to explain that my father had taught me not to fight so what was the point of hitting me?  

They promptly clocked me a few more times, by which time there was the normal 'fight' crowd gathering and there was murder gathering in my eyes as well.  

That was as nothing to the confusion in their eyes tho' because they couldn't understand why I wouldn't fight back but I wouldn't run away either .  

As far as I remember, the incident ended when some of the crowd (classmates of mine as it happens) joined in and pulled them off me - dire threats were issued as to what would happen if they bothered me again and that was that.

This was all a few decades ago of course, so the fact that those chaps never did bother me again and I got a Ghandi-like reputation for passive resistance probably would not get a modern revival in the surroundings previous posters have alluded to.

All that rambling has been leading up to a question.  Does anyone with the experience of present day 'playground' politics think that such non-violent resistance has a prayer of being effective today?  Or are your only choices to fight back and get the same punishment as your attackers, to run away and get an indelible reputation as a coward or to (adult sensibly) seek protection from the relevant authorities and be branded a 'snitch'?

EDIT: Whilst I was building the above, *Gordon* posted and essentially proved without a doubt that I grew up in a different world .


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## Devon (Aug 30, 2007)

During the late '80s I developed a self defense training system specifically designed to help teenagers and younger kids cope with bullying.  It combined traditional Japanese martial arts protocols (bowing and similar formalities) with a series of games and exercises in assertiveness, followed by role-playing "sparring" drills to teach and reinforce a simple set of defensive techniques from boxing and wrestling.  The key tactic was to evade and parry attacks while making it very clear that they did not want to fight, then to move quickly into a non-injuring takedown and (if necessary) restraint hold, if the bully continued the assault.

We recognized that our kids might well get into trouble for "fighting" because this is the simplest approach for the schools to take.  Otherwise, the adminstrators are in the almost impossible position of trying to figure out who started the fight, after the fact.  However, our basic stance was that the kids needed a practical option at the moment that they were being assaulted, at which point the "just tell a teacher" advice is basically irrelevant.

It was better for the kids to be able to defend themselves without injuring the attacker and then take their chances with the adminstration than to passively suffer the indignity and potential injury of being bullied, or to fight back in an uncontrolled way and risk more serious retribution from the bully, their friends, the school etc.


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## Gordon Nore (Aug 30, 2007)

Sukerkin said:


> Gosh, how things have changed since I was a kid! ...
> 
> All that rambling has been leading up to a question. Does anyone with the experience of present day 'playground' politics think that such non-violent resistance has a prayer of being effective today?



Fair question. In the course of a six-hour day, educators attempt to impose upon children a value system that is not always modeled or enforced elsewhere. So it is an uphill battle. I'm normally not given to histrionics about popular culture, but I do believe that kids are being sold out to a gangster mentality. 



Sukerkin said:


> Or are your only choices to fight back and get the same punishment as your attackers, to run away and get an indelible reputation as a coward or to (adult sensibly) seek protection from the relevant authorities and be branded a 'snitch'?



It does seem rather hopeless, doesn't it? To be very blunt, I look at the endless rhetoric, policy statements, binders and videotapes about anti-bullying, and I think educators and policy-makers have all the good intentions in the world and few actual answers. FWIW I have advocated for kids who physically defended themselves.



Sukerkin said:


> EDIT: Whilst I was building the above, *Gordon* posted and essentially proved without a doubt that I grew up in a different world .



In many ways, yes, we did live in a different world. However, we both lived to learn the lessons of the past. My anti-violence stance is purely a matter of safety. What concerns me is how easily disputes escalate.


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## grydth (Aug 30, 2007)

I tell my kids the same values I have, namely...

Very little is worth getting into a fight over, so avoid one whenever you can. That may mean driving away from a nutty road rager and contacting an officer for me, or walking away on the playground and contacting a teacher for them. One has everything to lose and nothing to gain by getting involved with these low lifes. 

Now, sometimes you cannot safely get away. Do what you must to defend yourself from an ordinary garden variety assault. 

BUT - if faced by multiple attackers, an adult predator or some other girl pulls a knife or razor on you - use any and every technique you've got and beat them until they are no longer a threat to you. Your father will handle the rest - and you can bet, I will.


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## bluemtn (Aug 30, 2007)

geocad said:


> Apparently, my son didn't tell the lunch duty teacher or his kindergarten teach what happen.
> 
> Now that I read Kacey's reply, I'm a little (just a little) ashamed of part of my advice to my son. I told my son that if he (or any kid) grabs his stuff again that he is to stand up and say very laudly 'DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF' and to use his angry face. I told him that he should then tell the duty teacher (this was during lunch so his lunch duty teacher was actually his/our TKD instructor too). I then said that if the bully gets in his face and tries to touch (or hit) him that he is aloud to push the other kids button (fist to nose).
> 
> ...


 

Well, you were pretty much right in telling him to stand up for himself, I think.  He should tell the kid to not touch his lunch if it happens again, and if the child still doesn't return the food, to immediately tell the teacher or monitor.  Now, of course, I would've left out the punch  .


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## TheOriginalName (Aug 30, 2007)

Firsly i would just like to say: I am not a parent. So anything i say is not based on my experience from that aspect. 

I was bullied throughout my secondary schooling. Not the physical bulling but the physological bulling. I believe this has given me both a lot of tool for copping but also left a lot of scars.

What i was going to suggest is perhaps having a chat to the teacher and get her to talk to the class about bulling.
I would suspect that children often don't know what bullying is. 
Perhaps the teacher could also, through a bit of role-playing, teach the entire class how to deal with it - perhaps by yelling or just telling the teacher. 

Also, the entire class i think needs to be told that it is alright to tell the teacher when something happens. 
I know in Australia there is a stong culture of no telling on people - which needs to be overcome if bullying is to be stamped out. 

This could also happen on the Martial Arts side of things as well. 
Perhaps children who are training need to be instructed in how to deal with bullies - in other words being trained in how to stand up for themselves.

As i said though, i'm not a parent and i definently don't know anything about the schooling system these days...so perhaps what i've said is rubbish.. in which case feel free to poke me with a sharp stick.


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## morph4me (Aug 31, 2007)

My kids are much older, but when they were that age I made it clear to them, that if they got into a fight because someone called them names or said something they didn't like, they would have to deal with me, but, if someone hit them, they were allowed to hit them back, and I would go to school and defend them. When my son was about six, he was bullied on the bus to school, he dragged the bully off and took him to a teacher, I took him for ice cream.  That same year somebody hit him, and he hit the kid back, the kid ran away and my son chased him because "I wasn't finished defending myself", at that point I had to explain to him that if he was finished defending himself when the other person stopped, and if he had to chase him, he wasn't defending any more.

I would teach them the same thing today, and I would fight for their right to defend themselves from physical attack, with the principal, the board of ed, or anyone else.


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## Drac (Aug 31, 2007)

morph4me said:


> I would teach them the same thing today, and I would fight for their right to defend themselves from physical attack, with the principal, the board of ed, or anyone else.


 
Bravo Morph, well said..My step daughter from my first marrage was constantly being bullied by one female because of her Latino looks and last name..The teachers didn't seem to give a damn UNTIL after I spent a weekend teaching her a few SD tricks and she beat the tar outta the bully...


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## geocad (Aug 31, 2007)

Thanks to all of you for your stories and suggestions.

Yesterday when I picked up my boy I mentioned the incident to his teacher and she was surprised.  Apparently the boy in question was actually the nicest, most mature, and oldest kid in class.  I also asked our TKD instructor what she might have seen during the lunch (she is a teacher at the school and is the lunch duty teacher as well).  I told her what was told to me by my wife, mother in-law, and son.  I then asked her to please talk to my son as a TKD instructor about bullies.  I also noticed my son's kindergarten teacher speak with our TKD teacher just before the TKD lesson (she runs the TKD club for our small town in the school gym after school - this club is associated with a larger club in the next town over so there are more instructors but that is another story about the various training offered to us).

As requested, our TKD instructor pulled my son aside and spoke with him and in the course of the talk found out what really happened.  Apparently the whole idea of a bully got blown out of proportion by (can you guess who?) my mother in-law.  What actually happened was my son's brownie was tossed into the trash not by a bully but by the kid helping clear the table before going to recess.  

None of the kids can goto recess until everyone is done eating and all the trash has been tossed.  The kid must have thought the zipped lock bag was of food that was not going to be eaten.  My mother in-law asked my son if he ate all his lunch... yada yada yada... and my mother in-law (half empty glass lady) assumed my boy was being bullied.  She called my wife with some story and my wife called me.  I asked my son what happened and after hearing how my wife and mother in-law were discussing the issue, my son must have thought that what happened was a mean thing instead of a misunderstanding between kids.

So, thanks again for your views and opinions on parenting.  Oh yeah, I did reinforce to my boy that he is not to touch another kid unless he is being hurt physically and if no one (adult/teacher) is there to help him.

My son and the boy in question are actually good friends in school.

Cheers!

~G


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## bydand (Aug 31, 2007)

geocad said:


> Thanks to all of you for your stories and suggestions.
> 
> Yesterday when I picked up my boy I mentioned the incident to his teacher and she was surprised.  Apparently the boy in question was actually the nicest, most mature, and oldest kid in class.  I also asked our TKD instructor what she might have seen during the lunch (she is a teacher at the school and is the lunch duty teacher as well).  I told her what was told to me by my wife, mother in-law, and son.  I then asked her to please talk to my son as a TKD instructor about bullies.  I also noticed my son's kindergarten teacher speak with our TKD teacher just before the TKD lesson (she runs the TKD club for our small town in the school gym after school - this club is associated with a larger club in the next town over so there are more instructors but that is another story about the various training offered to us).
> 
> ...



Hurray for our side!  Have to love it when it turns out like this.  Plus it reinforces to everyone involved (especially your son) that you will dig until you find out what is going on in his school life.  That is a *GREAT* thing.  

It is an added bonus as well.  I was always the lucky kid that my parents did the same thing, it made for an easy and _valid_ excuse to get out of doing something when I was older that I knew was wrong and didn't really want to do anyway ("You know my Mom and Dad would kill me if I did ...... and they found out."  Was my mantra through most of Junior High and some of High School. I kept my friends, but kept out of jail as well.)  I am doing my best to keep that for my boys as well.  

Good Luck!


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## Gordon Nore (Aug 31, 2007)

geocad said:


> Thanks to all of you for your stories and suggestions...
> 
> ...Apparently the boy in question was actually the nicest, most mature, and oldest kid in class.
> 
> ...My son and the boy in question are actually good friends in school.



Glad to hear it all worked out.


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