# I think I'm being stalked



## CuongNhuka (Jul 14, 2009)

OK, so there's this girl who I thought hated me, but we end up at this dance together, she has no date, I have no date. I danced with a couple girls, but she kept hanging around me, so I ended dancing with her quite a bit. I didn't think much of it when sent me a freind request on myspace. A few weeks ago she sent me a message asking me how I'd been and so on. It ends and a week later she sends me another. The diagol follows (names have been changed for her sake)

subject: hi 
Ms X: I miss u and the rest of my friends well mostly u...
Cuong: wait, what? you're getting a little wierd.
Ms X: just miss u that all i miss jake 2
Cuong: ok...
Ms X: i'm happy now still miss u but happy
Cuong: ok...
Ms X: anything intresting happening?
Cuong: I'm starting a new story... My soc class is about to end... I got a date next week...
Ms X: oh, my boyfried is being an *** agin and i'v about had enough because every time he gets mad or annoyed by someone he takes it out on me and then it's he want's ME to leave him alone
Cuong: dont you have anyone to vent to that, you know, cares....
Ms X: yeah u
Cuong: Is there no one else?
Ms X: no, your like my best friend
Cuong: how am I your best freind?
Ms X: because i don't really pick favorites and your my favorate friend ont of all my friends even my boy friend
Cuong: I feel both importent and scared.
Ms X: why scared?
Cuong: You just said you like me more then boyfriend. And I thought you hated me.
Ms X: why would i hate u i have no reason 2 hate u i mean u r nice funny and besides u don't hit me so hard u leave red marks like my boy friend

OK, so am I crazy, or does this girl have a cursh on me/bordering on stalking me?


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## Ken Morgan (Jul 14, 2009)

Ok the boyfriend hits her???!!
She needs to tell someone and get help, now!
I wouldn&#8217;t say she&#8217;s stalking you, it seems like a very confused young woman, who knows **** about a real relationship crying out for help.


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## Carol (Jul 14, 2009)

Ken Morgan said:


> Ok the boyfriend hits her???!!
> She needs to tell someone and get help, now!
> I wouldnt say shes stalking you, it seems like a very confused you woman, who knows **** about a real relationship crying out for help.



What Ken said.  

The *only *words you should say to her are to see the school nurse, school infirmary, whatever the school calls it.   A clinician can manage the issue from there but she first has to get there.


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## Rich Parsons (Jul 14, 2009)

CuongNhuka said:


> OK, so am I crazy, or does this girl have a cursh on me/bordering on stalking me?


 

As others have addressed the serious part of the original post, I will address this question as I also think this needs to be addressed in a serious fashion.

I would not say you are crazy, and I would not say she is stalking you. 

Stalking is a serious thing. If someone shows up at your home, or sends things to you that are not appropriate they still are not stalking you. 

You have to tell her to stop. You have to tell her to not do what is bothering you, and then if she continues with conversation when she sees you it is not stalking. If she goes otu of her way to find you, after you have told her no and to stop then it is stalking. 

Stalking is a serious label and should only be used when it is serious. 


Now, if someone is creeping you out or doing things to threaten you this is not stalking this is assaulting you and or putting you at danger. In this case you still need to tell them to stop. But someone who is in the same circles and just shows up and or says hi becuase they are alone or bored or even looking for help is not stalking. 

While I am not a lawyer, and the LEO's may comment, but I will ask them if they can arrest someone on the first call for stalking? I would say they could not. They might get the person or guy on trespass or disturbing the peace or some other charge, but not stalking. This requires you to tell them to stop and if required do it in court. 

By saying someone is stalking you it takes away form the seriousness of the situation and the position that those that are really being stalked might not be taken seriously. 


I know this is my opinion, but I believe it to be the right approach.


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## Big Don (Jul 15, 2009)

[The VOICE of PAINFUL EXPERIENCE] RUN THE F AWAY!!! MOVE if she knows where you live. Change your phone numbers and email. RUN AWAY!!! No, **** man, RUN!
[/the Voice]
There are ONLY two things that can RUIN a man:
Mishandled money and mishandled women.
If ONLY I had believed the first 100 times I was told, I might not have had such, er, interesting object lessons in BOTH.


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## Jade Tigress (Jul 15, 2009)

Ken and Rich really hit the nail on the head. :asian:

She is not *stalking* you, but she is a very confused young woman. If she is in a relationship where she is being hit, she may be afraid to get out and is looking to you as her *rescuer*. She's attracted to you and finds you to be a safe person. 

So, she's trying to build a friendship, perhaps with the hope that you two could have a relationship. It could be she would do this with any other man that showed her some attention and she felt was a protector of sorts. The not so subtle hints she's dropping shows she's looking for help. 

Maybe you should encourage her to get out of the unhappy relationship with her boyfriend. Point her in the direction of help and tell her if she is being abused to report it. Encourage her that there are plenty of men out there that would appreciate her and treat her right (not that you are interested in anything other than friendship...). 

But to me it looks more like a cry for help than stalking.


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## Flea (Jul 15, 2009)

No comment on whether your situation constitutes stalking, because I think others have given you excellent advice.

I would direct you to another fantastic site on stalking.  It's a great information clearinghouse, with an extensive forum.  It was extremely helpful to me a few years ago.

http://www.stalkingvictims.com/

Also, you may want to consider educating yourself on the dynamics of domestic violence a little bit.  Even if you choose not to help her, her situation is clearly impacting you.


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## CoryKS (Jul 15, 2009)

Yup, sounds like a domestic violence situation to me too.  Hopefully, she'll try to get some help from someone who, you know, cares.


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## MA-Caver (Jul 15, 2009)

What everyone else says... the girl needs help and needs to get out of that relationship and her bf needs to get the **** kicked out of him.
If she doesn't get out of that relationship she's in she's going to end up hating/distrusting men because of that one jerk. 

Be a friend that is what she needs right now the most.


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## jks9199 (Jul 15, 2009)

It's unclear from the post what "takes it out on" the girl means.  It could simply mean that he complains and is rude -- or it could mean that he beats the hell out of her.  Either way, she probably should reevaluate the relationship...

The exact definition of stalking varies from state to state, in a criminal sense.  I believe California probably has the widest definition, though I can't quote it, and Virginia's is probably towards the more restricted end.  In Virginia, for the criminal offense of stalking, the victim must fear some form of attack, especially sexual battery or rape, from the stalker.  Depending on the exact circumstances, a LEO in Virginia can make an arrest for stalking during their first encounter with the suspect.  In the case at hand -- it's nowhere near stalking.  It's two kids who are being clumsy with their relationship.  The girl is in a questionable relationship already, and may see the guy as being a way out.  Or she's already worn out her welcome with her better friends and he's a sympathetic ear.  Either way... stalking is not a term to bandy about carelessly.


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## CuongNhuka (Jul 15, 2009)

jks9199 said:


> It's unclear from the post what "takes it out on" the girl means. It could simply mean that he complains and is rude -- or it could mean that he beats the hell out of her. Either way, she probably should reevaluate the relationship...


 
I doubt he actually hits her with a violent intent. The girl is 3 or 4 years younger then me, 18 inches shorter then me, and weighs literally half what I do, and she hits me all the time. I have a hard time imagening she actually lets someone else hit her.


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## MA-Caver (Jul 15, 2009)

CuongNhuka said:


> I doubt he actually hits her with a violent intent.


In my experience... when a girl says the guy hits her... he HITS her. There are enough of those jerks to make that statement true... sad to say. What is even more sad (to me) are that the girls that are stuck with these beasts don't know enough to leave or are too scared to. 

Like I said be a friend and help her out. Encourage her to get away from the jerk. Even if he isn't touching her he shouldn't have to treat her like she's nothing. Emotional and mental abuse is just as damaging as physical.


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## Tames D (Jul 15, 2009)

CuongNhuka said:


> The girl is 3 or 4 years younger then me.


 
Your 19.You need to stay away from her just for this reason.


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## KELLYG (Jul 15, 2009)

It sounds like she switched from hating you to really digging you and almost implying that there is a relationship there when there is not one. It makes her sound really unstable.  Maybe her "boyfriend" is another  guy that she has built up a relationship, and its problems,  that does not exist. In my opinion she is trouble pure and simple.  Like BIG DON said run run away and quickly.


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## MA-Caver (Jul 15, 2009)

KELLYG said:


> It sounds like she switched from hating you to really digging you and almost implying that there is a relationship there when there is not one. It makes her sound really unstable.



Dude she is 15 or 16 years old... how does SHE know what a real relationship constitute? Yeah she's unstable because she's YOUNG and very likely inexperienced in matters like these. 
Chances are she'll grow out of it and learn from it.


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## jks9199 (Jul 15, 2009)

What are you doing hanging out so much with a 15 or so year old who ain't kin? 

I strongly encourage you to make it clear to her that nothing is going to happen between you. And look for some people your own age!


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## CuongNhuka (Jul 15, 2009)

jks9199 said:


> What are you doing hanging out so much with a 15 or so year old who ain't kin?
> 
> I strongly encourage you to make it clear to her that nothing is going to happen between you. And look for some people your own age!


 
Actually, she's 16, I'm 19. There's not much of an age difference. I also don't 'hang out with her' really. She sends me comments on myspace, thats pretty much it.


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## Big Don (Jul 15, 2009)

CuongNhuka said:


> Actually, she's 16, I'm 19. There's not much of an age difference. I also don't 'hang out with her' really. She sends me comments on myspace, thats pretty much it.


You are legally an adult, she is not. That is all the difference that matters.


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## girlbug2 (Jul 15, 2009)

Okay so you're 16 and she's 19: inappropriate. There's only 3 years difference but that's *worlds* of difference at your ages.

If you take her comments about her bf hitting her to be serious, contact her parents let them know word for word the conversation you had with her. Probably better do it anonymously, to protect yourself if they don't already know you. If I was her mom, I'd want to know that she was complaining on the internet about her bf hitting her. And, if I were you, I'd leave off mentioning to the parents that I was 19 years old, because that's going to alarm them.

As for any further conversation with this girl, I'd limit it to telling her to talk to an adult she trusts about this if she can't talk to her parents, and to try to get help. Then I'd tell her I'm uncomfortable with continuing our talks, and say goodbye. Don't give her false hope that you're going to be her hero and "save" her (because you can't). Don't let her get used to getting attention from you because she'll just want more and you don't want to go there, believe me.You're not her counselor and you're not Jesus.  Just end it.


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## CuongNhuka (Jul 15, 2009)

girlbug2 said:


> Okay so you're 16 and she's 19: inappropriate. There's only 3 years difference but that's *worlds* of difference at your ages.


 
Yes, but *I'M *19, she's 16


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## Ken Morgan (Jul 15, 2009)

CuongNhuka said:


> Yes, but *I'M *19, she's 16


 
But thats not the issue.

Do you want a relationship with this girl? (Note girl, not woman) from what youve said, I assume you dont. 


If you want no relationship, (and as the father of a 16 year old girl, I would never let my daughter out of the house with a 19 year old), then you need to keep your distance and not give her false hope that there will be one.
Do you want to help her with the issue of the abuse she is suffering from her current BF? If you do then you need to work out that plan. Get the information to her parents, or someone who can help her, because she can not help herself. 
 
Thats it Dude, tell her in no uncertain terms that there can not be a relationship and get her some help. There is no more discussion necessary.


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## jks9199 (Jul 15, 2009)

CuongNhuka said:


> Yes, but *I'M *19, she's 16


It doesn't change the fact that it is a significant 3 years.  25 and 22... not so big a deal.  31 and 34... no problem.  But 16 and 19...  You're in possession of child porn if she sends you racy picture.  Even if you don't ask her to.


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## Carol (Jul 15, 2009)

CuongNhuka said:


> Yes, but *I'M *19, she's 16



John, YOU are 19 which means YOU risk a lifetime registering as a sex offender if things go awry.  And if you don't believe me, go to any of the "Free Legal Advice" internet forums out there and read the stories of heartbroken parents who had a child (usually a son) convicted of a sex offense because he was 18 or 19 but she was 15, 16 or 17.  It happens ALL THE TIME.  It happens when they have sex.  It happens when they don't actually have sex, but have some other sort of consensual, private contact.   It happens because the *parents* want to press charges!   And its horrible.   How do I know?  My best friend manages one of those boards, and she occasionally e-mails me with administration questions.   In the process, she has shared those stories with me as the kind of thing that just eats at her heart.  

John...please...it is so not worth it.  All of us on MT have watched you grow from high school student to Marine.  You're a good man - I mean that sincerely.  But now that you are an adult, spend your time with women that have reached legal age.   You've got your whole life ahead of you with so much to see and do...please don't **** it up with this girl!!  Please? (((hugs)))


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## CuongNhuka (Jul 15, 2009)

Carol Kaur said:


> John, YOU are 19 which means YOU risk a lifetime registering as a sex offender if things go awry.


 
I appreciate the hug Carol, but calm down. First of all, if anything were to happen, it'd actually be legal in Nebraska (age of consent is 15 assuming the other person is within 3 years, notice I'm within that catagory). So, in Nebraska I'm fine, it's the Marines that would do unpleseant things to me.

Second, the only reason I posted the thing with my age was I didn't want someone to mistake me for being 16.

Third (more of a general notice): Chill. While the advice is welcome, it's largely unneeded, since I've already told her alot of what was told to me. Seriously, I just wanted to know if I was crazy for thinking she had a crush on me (which she recently admitted to) or if her actions could be considered bordering on stalking.


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## Carol (Jul 15, 2009)

Sorry...not trying to sound agitated with you.  I'm responding while watching a couple of other scripts finish so I'm sounding more blunt and foreful than needed.


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## jks9199 (Jul 16, 2009)

Carol Kaur said:


> Sorry...not trying to sound agitated with you.  I'm responding while watching a couple of other scripts finish so I'm sounding more blunt and foreful than needed.


No, you're trying to talk sense about sex and relationships to a 19 year old male.

About the only thing comparable would be trying to politely ask a hurricane to avoid Florida...


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## shihansmurf (Jul 16, 2009)

CuongNhuka said:


> I appreciate the hug Carol, but calm down. First of all, if anything were to happen, it'd actually be legal in Nebraska (age of consent is 15 assuming the other person is within 3 years, notice I'm within that catagory). So, in Nebraska I'm fine, it's the Marines that would do unpleseant things to me.
> 
> Second, the only reason I posted the thing with my age was I didn't want someone to mistake me for being 16.
> 
> Third (more of a general notice): Chill. While the advice is welcome, it's largely unneeded, since I've already told her alot of what was told to me. Seriously, I just wanted to know if I was crazy for thinking she had a crush on me (which she recently admitted to) or if her actions could be considered bordering on stalking.


 
Article 120 of the UCMJ covers sexual conduct with a minor(it actually covers several topics but that is among them) and specifies the age of consent is 16, however, there have been numerous Article 134 convictions of servicemembers for engaging in said activity with a partner under 18 so just a bit of info.

I wouldn't think that her actions border on stalking but the implications of domestic abuse from her boyfriend are disturbing. If you have'nt contacted her parents, you should. The safety of this girl is important and if she is being hit then informing her parents is the responsible choice.

Best of luck, its a wierd situation.
Mark


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