# Oil Change



## Kacey (Jun 22, 2007)

Oil Change instructions for Women: 
 
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 
2) Drink a cup of coffee 
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. 

Money spent: 
Oil Change: $20.00 
Coffee: $1.00 
Total: $21.00 


Oil Change instructions for Men : 

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 
3) Open a beer and drink it. 
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 
7) Place drain pan under engine. 
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 
9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 
10) Unscrew drain plug. 
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 
19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 
21) Drink beer. 
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.  Drink beer. 
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.   Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 
25) Begin cussing fit. 
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 
28 ) Beer. 
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 
30) Beer. 
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 
32) Beer. 
33) Lower car from jack stands. 
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 
35) Beer. 
36) Test drive car. 
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 
38) Car gets impounded. 
39) Call loving wife, make bail. 
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. 

Money spent: 
Parts: $50.00 
DUI: $2500.00 
Impound fee: $75.00 
Bail: $1500.00 
Beer: $20.00 
Total: $4,145.00


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## theletch1 (Jun 22, 2007)

It ain't fixed until somebody is bleeding and cussin'!  I swapped out the rear end on my Cherokee about a month ago and trust me...there was plenty of both.


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## Mark L (Jun 25, 2007)

Obviously, only a Neanderthal would take that approach to an oil change.  Those of us who have achieved a higher level on the evolutionary ladder _know_ that the correct procedure follows the stated one through step 35, but steps 36 - 40 are to be replaced with beer, beer, beer, beer, then lunch!


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## CoryKS (Jun 25, 2007)

You forgot the step where you pick up all the spare parts.


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## theletch1 (Jun 25, 2007)

And the extra trip to the auto parts store to find a replacement drain plug for the one you stripped by crossthreading it back in.


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## thardey (Jun 25, 2007)

I can one-up that!

Yesterday I went through sequence 36 on my motorcycle (minus the beer -- don't wanna mess around with a bike, y'know!) Well, I overfilled the oil (without realizing it), and when I went for a test drive around the block, the overflow hose dumped about a 1/2 quart of oil on my back tire.  I didn't realize this until I slowed down to negotiate a corner. The front half of the bike did as I expected, the back half insisted on continuing straight ahead. I got caught somewhere in the middle.

Fortunately I was only going about 15 mph since I was in a residential neighborhood, and both the bike and I only have a couple of scratches between us. I still rode it to work today.:ultracool


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## Drac (Jun 25, 2007)

CoryKS said:


> You forgot the step where you pick up all the spare parts.


 
You mean your supposed to pick them up?????


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## DavidCC (Jun 25, 2007)

theletch1 said:


> It ain't fixed until somebody is bleeding and cussin'!


 
is that the kajunkenbo school of car repair? LOL


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## exile (Jun 25, 2007)

I'm with the women on this. As Methos explained to Duncan on some episode of _Highlander_ when, at the very end of one bloodstained episode, Duncan is fretting about getting his porch fixed, `... get someone in to do it!' One of the greatest lines ever uttered by a 5000 year old Immortal, and absolutely right on the money (with obvious trivial extensions).


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## Drac (Jun 25, 2007)

thardey said:


> I can one-up that!
> 
> Yesterday I went through sequence 36 on my motorcycle (minus the beer -- don't wanna mess around with a bike, y'know!) Well, I overfilled the oil (without realizing it), and when I went for a test drive around the block, the overflow hose dumped about a 1/2 quart of oil on my back tire. I didn't realize this until I slowed down to negotiate a corner. The front half of the bike did as I expected, the back half insisted on continuing straight ahead. I got caught somewhere in the middle.:ultracool


 
Changing the oil on a bike can be a real challenge...I save the beer ( or several) for afterwards..


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