# Bully Apologizes after 20 years



## Instructor (May 15, 2015)

Bully s Powerful Apology to Student He Tormented 20 Years Later



> A man who was bullied in junior high received an unexpected apology – 20 years after the fact – when one of his tormentors recently reached out via Facebook to make amends.
> ChadMichael Morrisette, a 34-year-old brand consultant and visual designer in West Hollywood, grew up in small-town Alaska. “The entire football team bullied me,” he tells Yahoo Parenting. “It wasn’t one guy, it was six or seven guys who would follow me in the hallways, harassing me, insulting me, threatening my life.”


 
I sure would like to see this kind of thing happen more often.  I dealt with bullies all through my school years and I sometimes wonder what kind of people they grew up to be.


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## granfire (May 15, 2015)

Pretty amazing.
Sadly, a lot of the bullied kids don't make it. 
Here, an 8th grader recently took her life because she could not stand it any longer. When you look at pictures of her, you can see the sadness in her eyes, even as she smiled.


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## Steve (May 15, 2015)

I've said many times that bullies and the people who are bullied are really the same kids in slightly different circumstances.   Most bullies are good kids who lack some very basic social skills, who are insecure, and who are likely also victims of bullying.   

The most successful bullying programs help both the victim and the bully.


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## Transk53 (May 15, 2015)

I do like to read about stories like this. I think it takes some balls for a bully stand up and admit they were wrong, even if it takes twenty years, and as long as the apology has substance. I am certainly not a social expert, and this is just my opinion, but I can't help that the school hallway abuse that in the 70's would have been construed as just kids being a little mouthy, has been magnified in the modern day world. Not a bad thing, but social media and whatnot, what Granfire posted tragically seems more common. Seems really draconian now, but the cane worked on bullies then.


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## Steve (May 15, 2015)

Transk53 said:


> I do like to read about stories like this. I think it takes some balls for a bully stand up and admit they were wrong, even if it takes twenty years, and as long as the apology has substance. I am certainly not a social expert, and this is just my opinion, but I can't help that the school hallway abuse that in the 70's would have been construed as just kids being a little mouthy, has been magnified in the modern day world. Not a bad thing, but social media and whatnot, what Granfire posted tragically seems more common. Seems really draconian now, but the cane worked on bullies then.


The difference now is that kids get no reprieve.   The pervasive nature of social media mean that you can't go home and relax with people you trust.  Kids who are cyber bullied are being bullied day and night.


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## sfs982000 (May 15, 2015)

I like how the bully acknowledge that the kid he bullied was a bigger man for accepting his apology and forgiving him. 
I would love to see harsher punishment handed down to those who cyber-bully.


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## donald1 (May 15, 2015)

Personally id like to see more kids be assertive and not passive. If the "bully" gets hurt the blame is on themselves and should not be passed on to the person defending their selfs (maybe even others too)


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## Transk53 (May 15, 2015)

Steve said:


> The difference now is that kids get no reprieve.   The pervasive nature of social media mean that you can't go home and relax with people you trust.  Kids who are cyber bullied are being bullied day and night.



Yes, it makes the blood boil.


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## granfire (May 15, 2015)

I think all this zero tolerance crap has given bullies the upper hand.
The punishment is really a slap on the wrist, while the victim gets in trouble for fighting back (my kid had standing permission to fight back, and still I had to take it to the school when one kid took it to FB. Never heard anything back, but the principal seemed to take care of the problem)

On the other hand, it's a matter of stereotype from days back: Certain groups had the backing of the teachers, and couldn't do no wrong....Teacher backed bullying....
And some of the teachers had their own little game....
The best way is still an open line of communication kid-parent.


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## tshadowchaser (May 16, 2015)

It was  nice to see someone apologize even if was many years later.  
I wonder if the youth of today stayed away from social media and used the computer to study and research that things would be better. A different topic I know but social media seems to have increased bullying and it's results many times over


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## Transk53 (May 16, 2015)

tshadowchaser said:


> It was  nice to see someone apologize even if was many years later.
> I wonder if the youth of today stayed away from social media and used the computer to study and research that things would be better. A different topic I know but social media seems to have increased bullying and it's results many times over



Which also took its time to recognize that fact. As Steve said, it is 24/7 and just needs a text to instigate a regime against someone. The worse and obvious thing being that no one can escape or hide from it. It used to be that the family home was a refuge, now more of a prison. The ISP's and Cellular operators have to do more, rather than rely on school services to highlight and try to deal with it. Of course, out of school there would little to do due to regulations and parental ignorance. I imagine the popular answer is still "stand up for yourself and punch him in the mouth" Not everybody is capable of doing that.


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## oftheherd1 (May 18, 2015)

Steve said:


> I've said many times that bullies and the people who are bullied are really the same kids in slightly different circumstances.   Most bullies are good kids who lack some very basic social skills, who are insecure, and who are likely also victims of bullying.
> 
> The most successful bullying programs help both the victim and the bully.



I would agree wholeheartedly with your second statement. 

But I have to take exception to the first.  Regardless of the stimulus that produces the symptom of bullying, bullying is by definition a bad thing.  The person, kid or adult, who does it is not being a good kid or adult.  They may have been good kids at some point, but when they become bullies they no longer are.  They may learn to stop bullying and become good kids again.  But bullies aren't good kids.  That may seem to be nitpicking a point, but to the bullied, it isn't a fine distinction.

Because of that, I don't see how you can say the bullies and the bullied, are really the same, just in different circumstances.  It is those different circumstances that I think makes the be far apart.

But I am willing to be convinced differently if you can explain it so I can.

As to the OP, that is a really good story.  Thanks for the link.


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## oftheherd1 (May 18, 2015)

granfire said:


> I think all this zero tolerance crap has given bullies the upper hand.
> The punishment is really a slap on the wrist, while the victim gets in trouble for fighting back (my kid had standing permission to fight back, and still I had to take it to the school when one kid took it to FB. Never heard anything back, but the principal seemed to take care of the problem)
> 
> On the other hand, it's a matter of stereotype from days back: Certain groups had the backing of the teachers, and couldn't do no wrong....Teacher backed bullying....
> ...



I hear you granfire.  The problem in today's world is how to protect them from the system that wants the kid who defends himself to also get in trouble for doing so?   

I get angry at the so called zero tolerance.  I consider it a cope out by the teachers and administrators.  They can follow a rule without having to make any decisions of right or wrong on the part of the kids.  No teaching about life for the kids there!  But honestly, in today's litigious society, I don't think we give teachers the tools and backing they need either.


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## Steve (May 18, 2015)

oftheherd1 said:


> I would agree wholeheartedly with your second statement.
> 
> But I have to take exception to the first.  Regardless of the stimulus that produces the symptom of bullying, bullying is by definition a bad thing.  The person, kid or adult, who does it is not being a good kid or adult.  They may have been good kids at some point, but when they become bullies they no longer are.  They may learn to stop bullying and become good kids again.  But bullies aren't good kids.  That may seem to be nitpicking a point, but to the bullied, it isn't a fine distinction.
> 
> ...


Please don't misunderstand.  Bullying is bad.   I'm suggesting that many bullies are also victims of bullying.   And that often the behavior is one of survival.  It's a response (inappropriate and destructive) to not being a victim.  There are some kids who are just sadistic and cruel.  Most are just trying to survive without the right skills.  


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## Instructor (May 18, 2015)

I am just curious what you guys think about the root causes of bully behavior?


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## Transk53 (May 18, 2015)

Instructor said:


> I am just curious what you guys think about the root causes of bully behavior?



Can of worms.


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## pgsmith (May 18, 2015)

Instructor said:


> I am just curious what you guys think about the root causes of bully behavior?



  It has always been my opinion, as someone that was both a bully and bullied back in my grade school days, that bullying behavior is inherent in nature. Humans are evolved from troop animals, and we are still troop animals at heart. We, as a species, have an overriding desire to belong to something, and for groups and cliques to form because that is the nature of the creatures that went into our making.

   It is a simple matter to observe any troop or flocking animal in nature and see how they bully those that are different because it lowers the survival chances of those outside the troop norm.  As (supposedly) thinking beings, we have the ability to overcome these base instincts. Part of the problem, as I see it, is that bullies are not properly taught how to control themselves during their earlier years. It is this lack of self-control that causes the bully to pick on the different, just because they're different. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way condoning that behavior, just giving an opinion on the question asked.

  It is also my opinion that today's zero tolerance policies in our schools are not teaching people how to deal with bullying from either side. It is the same as having abstinence as sex education, and then wondering why teen pregnancy and STD rates go up.


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## oftheherd1 (May 19, 2015)

pgsmith said:


> It has always been my opinion, as someone that was both a bully and bullied back in my grade school days, that bullying behavior is inherent in nature. Humans are evolved from troop animals, and we are still troop animals at heart. We, as a species, have an overriding desire to belong to something, and for groups and cliques to form because that is the nature of the creatures that went into our making.
> 
> It is a simple matter to observe any troop or flocking animal in nature and see how they bully those that are different because it lowers the survival chances of those outside the troop norm.  As (supposedly) thinking beings, we have the ability to overcome these base instincts. Part of the problem, as I see it, is that bullies are not properly taught how to control themselves during their earlier years. It is this lack of self-control that causes the bully to pick on the different, just because they're different. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way condoning that behavior, just giving an opinion on the question asked.
> 
> It is also my opinion that today's zero tolerance policies in our schools are not teaching people how to deal with bullying from either side. It is the same as having abstinence as sex education, and then wondering why teen pregnancy and STD rates go up.






Steve said:


> Please don't misunderstand.  Bullying is bad.   I'm suggesting that many bullies are also victims of bullying.   And that often the behavior is one of survival.  It's a response (inappropriate and destructive) to not being a victim.  There are some kids who are just sadistic and cruel.  Most are just trying to survive without the right skills.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



I think Steve and pgsmith are both in the right ball park.  There seems to be a facet of life, where passing on one's own genes is sort of a prime directive.  That may be expressed in a number of ways:  flowers try to be more attractive to those who will then collect their pollen over another plant or have a more attractive odor, animals may try to have the most seductive appearance or dance or smell.  Or, they may seek to assert their strength, and therefore presumably their right, to pass on their genes over other male (or female) animals.  

Sometimes that is expressed in a desire/right to get the best food.  Mind you, I don't mean that all bullies are sexual deviates, but I think that perhaps that same drive to survive and pass on genes, which often gets expressed as a need for dominance, may, if misdirected, see itself expressed in bullying.

Of course, I think there are many causes and ways to show that.  Sometimes a feeling of being dominated by another group may cause a person to seek a group in which to dominate.  And that dominance may be outside accepted norms, because more appropriate behavior hasn't been learned, or has been abandoned.  

There seems to be acceptance that one who has been bullied, is more likely to bully, just as one who has been sexually abused (bullied?) may do so themselves.

I am curious what other's answers may be to Instructor's question.


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## Transk53 (May 20, 2015)

One thing that highlights a fundamental problem with group esq situations. Females. It is in the playground (from my own personal experience), it is around pubs and clubs. The amount of bullying that gets instigated by females is one aspect of the problem that does not seem to be highlighted very much. I remember at one school I was at, there was a right nasty sack of **** that reveled in starting incidents with the boys. At the extreme end, but even at the lower end, females egg and egg on the boys. On the bus home the other night, the usual British yoofs subjecting everybody else to the usual bad behavior, but also trying to get one of the males to punch another kid just because they could. Thankfully nothing happened as the kid got off the bus without being followed, no doubt felt compelled too. Mind you, when I stated I know who my father is, that shut her up.


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## Buka (May 20, 2015)

Instructor said:


> I am just curious what you guys think about the root causes of bully behavior?



Bad parenting. Or no parenting.


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## Transk53 (May 20, 2015)

Buka said:


> Bad parenting. Or no parenting.



One being the parent is the bully!


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## TSDTexan (Aug 25, 2015)

Instructor said:


> I am just curious what you guys think about the root causes of bully behavior?



I may not find much accord with most on this forum for saying what I am about to say.

Humanity is fallen. We are not evolved but devolved... We look to our self as both means and the End.

Our culture promotes it through media, but the culture itself is a reflection of individuals.

And upon the throne of each man's or each woman's heart there is room for only one person. And inevitably, we put ourselves upon this throne of the heart.

The rightful owner of that place is Truth, or Love... And if present upon that throne... A change of nature can occur. A transition from selfishness towards otherishness.

The greatest bully is Peer Pressure, and his right hand man is Fear. A genuine love, or altruism overcomes the fear of men, that terrifies the ego.

The greatest bullies are the greatest of slaves to fear. This is why they strive for dominance in the peer group, they don't ever want to be the weak who is prey of the strong.

I have been the bullied, and the prey. I was tormented and tortured by my peers. I fought back and was crushed.
I developed coping skills of withdrawal into writing and reading, and art, cutting and self denial.

Eventually I found martial arts. Which had an incredible impact on my life.

I found strength in my weakness, and was able to face my internal fears, as well as my external fears.

My strength came and was tested in high school when a bully went after my cousin... And I intervened.

I had no strength when I was trying to protect myself, out of fear. But, I found I had incredible strength when it came to aiding others, acting out of concern and compassion.

I got suspended, but I knocked the bully clear over a lunch table. But that guy and I became friends. We did a lot of talking, but I did a huge amount of listening.

Its about control, and lack thereof.
Its about power and lack thereof.

The man with out self control, and without Love, or Truth, is like an undefendable village, no walls, no arms, no hope.

Fear, Ego, Pride, Ambition are like Mongolian Horselords....
They turn a coward into a tyrant, in each of us.

Now some... Are not the bullies, but the quiet power behind the bullies... They are the softer, instigation of oppression.
But they are bullies just the same. They use people instead of their own fists.

Some of us, never develop a hunger for power over others, and some escape childhood without a scratch. But the teen years are the crossroads of hormones and self awareness as becoming one beyond the rule of parents.

i would argue Middle school is more dangerous to children then a short supervised  visit to a men's prison.

But it is surprising just how similar the group dynamics of preteen-teen cliques and prison gangs, and street gangs work, and even domestic violence in fairly common relationships.


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## Tez3 (Aug 25, 2015)

TSDTexan said:


> I may not find much accord with most on this forum for saying what I am about to say.



Probably not but you would get far less if you prefaced your statements with 'I think'.  When you type things like this as statements people will disagree far more strongly than if you say that this is your opinion, you also would take less offence when people disagreed with you. People do actually respect opinions they don't really like being lectured though.

Your experiences in life don't necessarily reflect what life is like for others.


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## EddieCyrax (Aug 25, 2015)

Instructor said:


> Bully s Powerful Apology to Student He Tormented 20 Years Later
> 
> 
> 
> I sure would like to see this kind of thing happen more often.  I dealt with bullies all through my school years and I sometimes wonder what kind of people they grew up to be.



The dude feels bad because he now has a daughter to answer too......Not sure this is real remorse.....In my opinion, this apology is more to make himself feel better rather than his victim. Helps him look good in his daughter's eyes. Nothing like dragging back bad memories long forgotten by his victim....  

"Sorry I tortured you"   Really?!?

His victim has obviously and thankfully moved on....but for many that is not the case.....

I am not sure I would have given him peace.....Sleep on that evil the rest of your life, like your victim has......because obviously he hasn't thought about his actions until his daughter boxed him in a corner.....


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## Steve (Aug 25, 2015)

TSDTexan said:


> I may not find much accord with most on this forum for saying what I am about to say.
> 
> Humanity is fallen. We are not evolved but devolved... We look to our self as both means and the End.
> 
> ...


I disagree.


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## TSDTexan (Aug 25, 2015)

Steve said:


> I disagree.


You are more than welcome to disagree. But this is how I feel, in response to Instructor's question.


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## Steve (Aug 25, 2015)

TSDTexan said:


> You are more than welcome to disagree. But this is how I feel, in response to Instructor's question.


Thanks.  I'm glad I have your permission to disagree with your opinion. 


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## TSDTexan (Aug 25, 2015)

Steve said:


> Thanks.  I'm glad I have your permission to disagree with your opinion.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



That wasn't me granting permission. That was a common expression... Along the lines of "its a free country". This is what I meant. On the other hand, please by all means, feel free to take it however you like. You have my permission, to ignore this clarification.

And, BTW, you're welcome.


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## TSDTexan (Aug 25, 2015)

.


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## Steve (Aug 25, 2015)

EddieCyrax said:


> The dude feels bad because he now has a daughter to answer too......Not sure this is real remorse.....In my opinion, this apology is more to make himself feel better rather than his victim. Helps him look good in his daughter's eyes. Nothing like dragging back bad memories long forgotten by his victim....
> 
> "Sorry I tortured you"   Really?!?
> 
> ...


I think it's easier to judge a person by action than intent.  It can be difficult to know what a persons intent is or was, and generally safer to presume good intent over bad.   But is doing the right thing less "right" in this case, even if the motivation is through the lens of how he looks to his daughter?   Does it matter how the clarity came about?  I'd say not, and suggest that regardless of the motivation for the apology, it's a good thing.


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## Steve (Aug 25, 2015)

TSDTexan said:


> That wasn't me granting permission. That was a common expression... Along the lines of "its a free country". This is what I meant. On the other hand, please by all means, feel free to take it however you like. You have my permission, to ignore this clarification.
> 
> And, BTW, you're welcome.


Okay.  Sounds good.  I think you have a pretty cynical and sad perspective on people.  Tough way to go through life, carrying that giant chip on your shoulder.


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## ballen0351 (Aug 25, 2015)

I question the validity of this story.  Why did it make news.  Why as the "victim"  did you feel the need to do an interview about this.  Accept the apology or don't and move on with your life.  This almost has a staged feel too it to me.


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## TSDTexan (Aug 26, 2015)

Steve said:


> Okay.  Sounds good.  I think you have a pretty cynical and sad perspective on people.  Tough way to go through life, carrying that giant chip on your shoulder.



I am going of topic here. But let's just say... I have seen the worst of men. And it is very common. The best of men, is so very rare that yeah, I am cynical.

The idealist within me, sees the lost and discarded potential goodness in everyone so easily set aside for material gain, acclaim and status seeking...

And yet our richest folks are pretty unhappy inspite of having all they could need. Eventually, they become owned by the things they own.

Yet, in contrast
Thressa of Calcutta, pretty much threw her privileged life away, and went and lived in a cesspool of rejected humanity. She only owned 3 changes of clothing, and a few books, but she in her poverty richely blessed tens of thousands with real love.

She was at the bedside of thousands who died, loving them.

I vividly see the contrast in the great potential of man and his failure to become more than greed, and with him, our culture that teaches "look out for number one, cause ain't nobody else going to" as a virture.

I am not cynical so much as I am realistic about our nature, and our Western civilization. I am idealistic because we CAN do better, I am pessimistic because the historical record says we haven't.

There is a saying in assest management: "Past performance is not a guarantee of future results". This actually gives me a measure of guarded optimism.

The way it always has been, won't always be the way it IS.

There is an ancient prophecy among the Hebrew people. A man by the name of Isaiah spoke of a day, when the Hebrew Messiah would come and rule upon the Earth, and bring peace to all mankind.

*"And they will hammer their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not lift up sword against nation, And never again will humanity learn war."*

This is the hope in my heart. A day where I never have to train to protect others, or teach students how to do the same.


No, brother, there is no heavy chip on my shoulder. The the world of man is a cold place. But nonetheless I have deep peace.


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## Tez3 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well, I hate to rain on your parade but Mother Teresa was no saint. The squalid truth behind the legacy of Mother Teresa
Criticism of Mother Teresa - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Indian Hindu leader's criticism of Mother Teresa adds to religious tension
Mother Teresa Not a Saint: New Study Suggests She Was a Fraud


As for quoting what the 'Hebrew people' have as prophecies you are way, way off. You clearly have no idea what the coming of the mashiach  is or means. if you are going to start quoting you ought to know this is what will happen when the mashiach comes

Before the time of the mashiach, there shall be war and suffering (Ezekiel 38:16)

The mashiach will bring about the political and spiritual redemption of the Jewish people by bringing us back to  Israel and restoring Jerusalem (Isaiah 11:11-12; Jeremiah 23:8; 30:3; Hosea 3:4-5). He will establish a government in Israel that will be the centre of all world government, both for Jews and gentiles (Isaiah 2:2-4; 11:10; 42:1). He will rebuild the  Temple and re-establish its worship (Jeremiah 33:18). He will restore the religious court system of Israel and establish Jewish law as the law of the land (Jeremiah 33:15).

You have the Xtian idea of what you think will happen. You can call us Jews you know, we don't mind.

Do you think you are the only one who has seen bad things that you can lecture us in such a manner?

Perhaps now after your sermon we can go back to the subject of bullies.


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## EddieCyrax (Aug 26, 2015)

A blocked person must have posted something after mine as i obviously missed something. (#33)

I see Steve, Ballen, and Tez.

Steve's second post #31 and Tez's #34  last have me confused?!?

In relation to post #30 quoting me.....Having witnessed first hand the devastation that bullying can/does cause, I admit I am a bit cynical in relation to this topic.


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## Tez3 (Aug 26, 2015)

33 is TSDTexan's post which is the one I was replying to. 29 was by that poster but it's completely blank, no comments.


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## Tez3 (Aug 26, 2015)

TSDTexan said:


> I am going of topic here. But let's just say... I have seen the worst of men. And it is very common. The best of men, is so very rare that yeah, I am cynical.
> 
> The idealist within me, sees the lost and discarded potential goodness in everyone so easily set aside for material gain, acclaim and status seeking...
> 
> ...



This is post 33.


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## Tgace (Aug 26, 2015)

TSDTexan said:


> I am going of topic here. But let's just say... I have seen the worst of men. And it is very common. The best of men, is so very rare that yeah, I am cynical.
> 
> The idealist within me, sees the lost and discarded potential goodness in everyone so easily set aside for material gain, acclaim and status seeking...
> 
> ...


Well...Nation not raising sword against Nation doesn't necessarily translate into no more interpersonal violence.

Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


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## mninja (Sep 2, 2015)

To OP, great story. Thanks for sharing a bit of good news for the day!


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## Steve (Sep 2, 2015)

Tez3 said:


> Well, I hate to rain on your parade but Mother Teresa was no saint. The squalid truth behind the legacy of Mother Teresa
> Criticism of Mother Teresa - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> Indian Hindu leader's criticism of Mother Teresa adds to religious tension
> Mother Teresa Not a Saint: New Study Suggests She Was a Fraud
> ...


She may not be a saint yet, but will be soon.


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## Tames D (Sep 2, 2015)

ballen0351 said:


> I question the validity of this story.  Why did it make news.  Why as the "victim"  did you feel the need to do an interview about this.  Accept the apology or don't and move on with your life.  This almost has a staged feel too it to me.


You need to take a step back and  see this how it really is. You don't have a clue.


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