# Contemplating "self-pity"



## Flea (Apr 4, 2009)

I had a conversation with someone in my class today who told me he had serious hidden health problems.  He doesn't make a secret of it, he just hadn't mentioned it to me before ... later on in the class he said something about struggling with "self pity" in wanting to take it easy from time to time.

The more I think about it ... the more I think about it.   It's gotten me thinking about how the notion of self-pity is multi-faceted.  It's highly subjective; what may be pity for one person may be a solid realistic assessment for someone else in the same situation.  Another person's response to the same situation might even be a strong stance.  I think that while "self-pity" is real, the notion can also be very destructive as it can block people from taking care of themselves, and it can dam a valuable creative flow that one could use to work around an intractable problem.

I also think that a little self-pity can be a healthy response from time to time.  Animals are smart enough to withdraw and lick their wounds when they need to; we also need to rest occasionally to come back to the battle refreshed and stronger.

Thoughts, anyone?


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## seasoned (Apr 4, 2009)

The more we dwell on certain aspects of our life, the more they begin to influence it greatly. Negativity is destructive, while thinking positive is a very powerful building tool. Nothing is ever as bad as our mind perceives it. We are what we think, so keep it light hearted, and see the results.


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## Sukerkin (Apr 4, 2009)

It is however important to realise that everyone is different in how they react to things.  Our brains and associated hormonal systems are wired individually and strongly pattern how we respond to emotional stress.  

In certain cases, such as my own, physical trauma alters how these systems behave, so I am in the odd position of really being able to see both sides of the 'street', so to speak.

Pre-accident, I was the stereotypical 'Englishman' (aka Vulcan ).  Nothing breached my armour and all responses to adversity were coldly logical.  

Post accident, I have learned not to be ashamed that my emotions sometimes control my mind (it's not like I have a choice ) and I can be deeply mired in negative feelings.

The key is not to let that state be a permanent one.  

Old 'me' was a sphere of calm that was untrammelled by anything the world threw at me.  Present 'me' can be a fluctuating cloud of strong emotions.  If those emotions are negative, then I need to work them through rather than lock them up.  For such a circumstance, never undervalue the worth of tears.  They can wash away that which seems insurmountable.

Just don't let it be daily .


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## Flea (Apr 4, 2009)

Sukerkin, I'm sorry to hear about your accident.  I wish you well in your healing.

This is a question I've struggled with my whole life.  It's taken me 30 years to find a peace with my bipolar disorder, and a lot of it has to do with giving myself plenty of time and space to rest, to be alone, and to acknowledge that my emotions sometimes incapacitate me.  It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.  It's just the way it is.  I've taken a lot of abusive and ignorant crap over the years from judgmental people who know better than me and I've learned to ignore them.  It's been a costly lesson though.

I wish I could have imparted a little of that to my classmate today although I'm sure he wouldn't have appreciated it.  There's no easy line between self-pity and self-care, and it took me years to find my own personal balance.  Maybe he's happy with his.  Who knows.


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## Ronin74 (Apr 5, 2009)

Flea said:


> There's no easy line between self-pity and self-care, and it took me years to find my own personal balance. Maybe he's happy with his. Who knows.


On the money right there. It's your balance, and it probably won't be the same for him, in much the same way it won't be for any of us.

Maybe balance is what were all looking for.

Thought I might add/share this.

Last night, I was hanging out with one of my best friends, and it really began to dawn on me how sorry he felt for himself. He was talking about how things weren't going well for him, as far as pursuing his goals, and how it had him feeling so down, that he was moping for about a month (so far.) It was enough that it almost killed the mood for trying to enjoy dinner.
My first thought was to tell him to stop whining, because he does it way too often, and does nothing to help himself, other than bellyache and spend frivolously (including things he doesn't use.) Now before I could shoot my mouth off, I really came to understand that his self-pity was his way of taking into account what was going on in his life. Personally, I don't think it's healthy, and to some degree he knows this. However, it's more or less the "step" he's at in his life.

He knows he needs help, and has even voiced an interest in getting counseling after I did for myself. However, I think that he can only take that step when he's ready. I could try to encourage him, but experience has taught me that he'd most likely blame me if it didn't work out, rather than look into himself. And until he's ready to do that, then this is his "way".


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## Kacey (Apr 5, 2009)

Flea said:


> There's no easy line between self-pity and self-care



Something akin to this thought went through my mind as I read the original post - the line is, indeed, narrow and easy to cross.  I would say that one has crossed the line when one passes the point of taking care to not exacerbate the injury/illness/etc., and moves to using the injury/illness/etc. as an excuse to not do something.


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## morph4me (Apr 6, 2009)

Kacey said:


> Something akin to this thought went through my mind as I read the original post - the line is, indeed, narrow and easy to cross. I would say that one has crossed the line when one passes the point of taking care to not exacerbate the injury/illness/etc., and moves to using the injury/illness/etc. as an excuse to not do something.


 
That's the way I would differentiate self pity from self care. If you're going to sit around and whine and feel sorry for yourself and not do anything about your situation, whether that be as simple as not doing anything to exacerbate it or as complex as taking stpes to alleviate it, you're in the realm of self pity. If you realize that you're feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it, or you simply understand that you're in a situation and try to do something about it, that's self care. I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel sorry for yourself, that's human nature and we all do it form time to time. It's how you deal with it that makes the difference. 

Flea, 





> giving myself plenty of time and space to rest, to be alone, and to acknowledge that my emotions sometimes incapacitate me


 comes under the heading of self care.


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## harlan (Apr 6, 2009)

I view self-pity as a form of 'attachment'...to ego and body.

In a way, this is a major side-benefit from MA study. MA, like other forms of meditation, re-introduces us to ourselves. 'Ah...that injury...oh yes...there is that injury...' Physical, and well as emotional/psychological health is 'noted' during training. We note it, work through it or learn to accept and work around it. 

What is the saying: who are you really fighting?


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## Flea (Apr 6, 2009)

Thanks Harlan.

I view this question as a spectrum, with self-pity on one end and self-care on the other.  In the middle is "acknowledging the reality of the situation."  From a behavioral standpoint, this can tend in either direction.  It's easy to use it as a springboard for wallowing.  It can also be the first step (which reminds me of another series of Steps!) in changing course and getting proactive.

I've gone both ways on that over the years.  I do believe that a _little_ self-pity from time to time can be healthy.  One can't fight constantly around the clock for years and years; we all need a rest.  The more relevant question is whether we get back up again and resume the fight.


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## teekin (Apr 6, 2009)

Flea said:


> Thanks Harlan.
> 
> I view this question as a spectrum, with self-pity on one end and self-care on the other.  In the middle is "acknowledging the reality of the situation."  From a behavioral standpoint, this can tend in either direction.  It's easy to use it as a springboard for wallowing.  It can also be the first step (which reminds me of another series of Steps!) in changing course and getting proactive.
> 
> I've gone both ways on that over the years.  I do believe that a _little_ self-pity from time to time can be healthy.  One can't fight constantly around the clock for years and years; we all need a rest.  *The more relevant question is whether we get back up again and resume the fight.*



There it is. I know I will make mistakes, I know I will fall sometimes, I know I will get knocked on my ***, I know there will be days I want to step through the looking glass into silence. But as long as I get up and resume the good fight once again, these little whoopsies do not matter.
lori


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## Jenna (Apr 7, 2009)

I think self-pity is a natural response and neither to be sought nor feared.  

And but personally I always try to remain vigilant of the point at which we transition from feeling sorry for ourselves to feeling sorry *for our sorrow*.  I would liken it to eating, insofar as we can eat beyond the point at which we are full and but do not always realise it until after the fact.  Likewise we can cry beyond the point at which we are crying for our situation, and slide into a placewhere we are crying not for our situation but for our sadness.  For me, this is the red flag moment; the beginning of the negative loop, and I am grateful for catching it.  

So permit self-pity by all means and but be aware of the place it is taking you.  And always keep an eye on those hand-holds and foot-holds for climbing yourself back out 
Yr most obdt hmble srvt,
Jenna


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