# how to deal with my anger



## KempoGuy06 (Nov 6, 2008)

Me and my girlfriend are having some trouble with out relationship. At the same time im having troubles with one of my friends (best friend actually). I find myself angry all the time and i cant get rid of it. I work myself down either training or lifting but my body is exhausted but my mind is still at full speed. I have temper issues but have learned to keep it in check over that past years but now im constantly angry and i cant let it go, im afraid that its going to get the better of me and ill doing something irrational. I also know that it cant be healthy

Can anybody give me advice on how to calm down? 

B


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## bluekey88 (Nov 6, 2008)

If it's really impacting your day to day functiong and your relationships...then perhaps some therapy is in order.  Not saying you've got mental health issues, just saying that we all end up in raelly dark places from time to time in our lives.  I've been there...talking with a good, qualified therapist has always helped.

If it's not impacting your day to day functioning...then perhaps some meditation might be in order.  Also examining what your triggers are, how they got there might lead rto some practical solutions (thought stopping if it's aprticualr thoughts, avoiding certain situations, etc.)

Wish I could be more specific.  However, the fact that you are asking tells me that the problem is more than just a minor thing ...ti also tells me you are motivated to change.  That's a good thing.

Hang in there. 

Peace,
Erik


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## KempoGuy06 (Nov 6, 2008)

bluekey88 said:


> If it's really impacting your day to day functiong and your relationships...then perhaps some therapy is in order.  Not saying you've got mental health issues, just saying that we all end up in raelly dark places from time to time in our lives.  I've been there...talking with a good, qualified therapist has always helped.
> 
> If it's not impacting your day to day functioning...then perhaps some meditation might be in order.  Also examining what your triggers are, how they got there might lead rto some practical solutions (thought stopping if it's aprticualr thoughts, avoiding certain situations, etc.)
> 
> ...


Thanks thats some good advice. 

What got me worried is i want an outlet and not just a bag I find myself invisioning me getting into a fight with someone for pleasure and just raging at them with no control or emotion just blind rage. I havent done this and ive quit drinking to make sure that i can keep myself in check but it scares me. Ive been training for almost 3 years and i know the rules and how im supposed to use my training thats also why its so scary. 

i guess a therapist is what i need.

B


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## Kembudo-Kai Kempoka (Nov 6, 2008)

KempoGuy06 said:


> Thanks thats some good advice.
> 
> What got me worried is i want an outlet and not just a bag I find myself invisioning me getting into a fight with someone for pleasure and just raging at them with no control or emotion just blind rage. I havent done this and ive quit drinking to make sure that i can keep myself in check but it scares me. Ive been training for almost 3 years and i know the rules and how im supposed to use my training thats also why its so scary.
> 
> ...


 
Don't guess; know. Your anger is an extension of the man you've become, thus far. If you endeavor to change the anger without changing the man, you ensure failure. It's the old, "You can't get there from here". You would have to reference the perspective of a different starting position, and to get to that different place from which to begin, you will need the help of pro's trained and experienced in navigating the pitfalls of the mind.

Your other option is "do nothing". Mebbe your anger will get the better of you, turning you into an abusive husband, father, etc., who loses it and smacks loved ones around and alienates friends & family members; mebbe it'll pass, or just take on some other dysfunctional form...like an addiction of some sort (booze is common), or subtle forms of a-hole mentality.

Find a male therapist with experience in anger issues and mens psychology issues (don't just pick the first one that returns your calls...ask them specifically about their experience in these arenas), and in addition to the work you do with him, find and go to an anger group or mens support group; not the ones who beat drums in the forest and ponder their navels, but the ones who beat trash cans with ballbats in empty warehouses, and will chew you out like a drill sargeant if you screw up on weekly growth tasks. Why? If you don't find healthy release valves, and start developing the skills of managing your emotions and aiming your frustrations into appropriate contexts, you'll find unhealthy ones...usually by accident, in the form of a "pop". 

The quality of your character depends on it, and you have to spend the rest of your life with yourself.

D.


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## morph4me (Nov 6, 2008)

Great advice, talk to someone trained to help you deal with it. In the meantime why not see if you can identify the source of your anger, being angry all the time is no way to live, if you can identify the source, you may be able to do something about it. Good luck.


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## JadeDragon3 (Nov 6, 2008)

Here's what to do.....beat the crap out of your friend and give me your girlfriend for 2 hours and all will be cool.  You'll feel like a new man. 

If you need any more advice just ask me.


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## KempoGuy06 (Nov 6, 2008)

Kembudo-Kai Kempoka said:


> Don't guess; know. Your anger is an extension of the man you've become, thus far. If you endeavor to change the anger without changing the man, you ensure failure. It's the old, "You can't get there from here". You would have to reference the perspective of a different starting position, and to get to that different place from which to begin, you will need the help of pro's trained and experienced in navigating the pitfalls of the mind.
> 
> Your other option is "do nothing". Mebbe your anger will get the better of you, turning you into an abusive husband, father, etc., who loses it and smacks loved ones around and alienates friends & family members; mebbe it'll pass, or just take on some other dysfunctional form...like an addiction of some sort (booze is common), or subtle forms of a-hole mentality.
> 
> ...


thanks for the advice.

B


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## JadecloudAlchemist (Nov 6, 2008)

In the heat of anger it is difficult to control.

Using deep breathing helps relax the emotional mind and allows the logical mind to come into play.

mediation in the long run will help the mind learn to relax and adapt easier to situations that arise.

Using external methods such as exercising is fighting fire with fire
while using mediation and deep breathing is like wate putting out a fire.

Good luck on what ever tactical choice you use.


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## grydth (Nov 6, 2008)

I was pretty much where you are. Explosive temper added to quick wits and a good right hand.... I was fortunate not to have wound up doing 10 to 20. I'd pick a verbal or a physical fight way too quickly... and for what?

I agree with a counselor - maybe a therapist, maybe a sensei, maybe a clergy or a professor.

What worked for me just sort of happened. I was in my usual combative mood when I ran across a woman who was just a friend that had had something terrible happen. I helped her through that.... only to realize at the end that I felt so much better about everything... far better than any confrontation ever made me feel. It sounds odd, but the best anger therapy for me has been to help others. It still works. 

You know its a problem, you can ask for help - you are half way home already. Now finish the cure.


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## jks9199 (Nov 6, 2008)

KempoGuy06 said:


> Thanks thats some good advice.
> 
> What got me worried is i want an outlet and not just a bag I find myself invisioning me getting into a fight with someone for pleasure and just raging at them with no control or emotion just blind rage. I havent done this and ive quit drinking to make sure that i can keep myself in check but it scares me. Ive been training for almost 3 years and i know the rules and how im supposed to use my training thats also why its so scary.
> 
> ...


I agree.  You need someone to talk to, and a neutral, uninvolved (probably professional), person is the best choice.  Something's going on inside your head that's got you wound way too tight.  If you don't get it taken care of properly, and develop some better tools to deal with it -- it's going to come out.  And that's kind of likely to be pretty destructive when it happens...

Beyond that, Grydth made a great suggestion.  Turn your energy OUTWARDLY into something positive.  Call Habitat for Humanity, or Big Brothers/Sisters, or whatever...  but find something to put some of that anger into that's going to be a plus, instead of a minus.  It's amazing how much that can do to help you.

And... pretend your NOT mad!  As silly as it sounds, if you pretend to be a certain way, expressing it through your face and body, you generally can create at least a bit of that actual feeling in yourself!  (No, it's not magic.  It's not a cure-all.  But it can help!)


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## Nolerama (Nov 6, 2008)

In terms of who and what angers you in life, is it possible to cut out contact with those aspects, and simply work on yourself?

I was in the same situation, and I left my girlfriend, stopped talking to my friends, and just went to class. On my weekends, I would (this is kinda funny from a previous thread) bowl and go to the batting cages. This was before the MAs.

I stopped going out and drinking. I ate healthier. I just did little things every day that told myself that on I can make myself better. And it worked.

So I got good grades. Any softball headed my way would be immediately knocked out of the park. I have a respectable bowling average. I woke up earlier in the day and got more things done. My work promoted me and I started talking to hotter, more interesting women.

Lot of anger comes from the things that hold you back in life. Take charge! Just like all of us here, you're willing to spend lots of time in a funny costume (functional as it may be) and train in a marital art where you could otherwise be partying your butt off.

So I suggest that you start listening to relaxing music. Find out what new interests you might be sowing, and pursue them (I started cooking. MAs and riding motorcycles). YOU'RE your only best friend. Take care of him.


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## JTKenpo (Nov 6, 2008)

ahhhhh karma is such an interesting thing, and life has always had in interesting sense of humor.  I want to thank kempoguy for this thread and everyone who has posted advice.  See,I am going through some "issues" right know that I have very little control over and it makes me very angry and want to take things into my own hands and solve them which I know won't actually solve much (but oh how I would enjoy it).  Everything does happen for a reason.

A big thank you to everyone for your advice to kempoguy which I will be taking myself.  Hang in there kempoguy, you'll do the right thing.


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## Xue Sheng (Nov 6, 2008)

First find a Therapist. I went through some pretty big anger issues after a divorce a few years back and that was all that helped me

Second - Train Zhan Zhuang or some other Qi Gong or Yoga for awhile and breath. I was having some work related anger issues not to long ago and these are what helped me this time. 

However this was no where near as intense as the time after my divorce. This time I was just having angry outbursts, although justified not professional. The time before I wanted to hurt people (severely) and if that is where you are at you need a therapist.


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## JadecloudAlchemist (Nov 6, 2008)

Learn to laugh more also:


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## JBrainard (Nov 6, 2008)

Kembudo-Kai Kempoka said:


> ...Find a male therapist with experience in anger issues and mens psychology issues (don't just pick the first one that returns your calls...ask them specifically about their experience in these arenas)...


 
The above can not be stressed enough. I have had and still have to deal with both a mental illness and a lot of bad bagage. I've seen a lot of therapists and phyciatrists in my time, and you will find *a lot* of ****** ones and only a few good ones.
As for your anger. What works for me now, at this point in my life, is that when I feel like my anger is starting to get the best of me, I remove myself from the situation temporarily. Usually that's as simple as leaving a room. Find a place where you can sit and think about things like: Am I responding appropriately to the situation? Is my anger getting in the way of seeing what is really going on? Am I justified in feeling angry and what am I going to constructively do about it?
Quiet mindfullness isn't just for Buddhists 
Hope that helps, my friend.


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## celtic_crippler (Nov 6, 2008)

Another recommendation to seek professional help if you're struggling on your own. 

If the work-outs aren't doing it for you then that's a sign that the issue could be severe enought to warrent professional help. 

People in your immediate circle shouldn't be causing you so much stress, especially those you consider friends. If something is stressing those relationships it needs to be identified and dealt with and sometimes it takes an unbiased 3rd party to do that; preferably a professional. 

Regardless, it's definately not healthey to internalize it and/or ignore it. Ultimately, it will come back to bite you in the butt if you don't address it. 

Good luck!


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## BlueDragon1981 (Nov 7, 2008)

I used to have a lot of anger issues when i was a child. Starting in the martial arts helped me greatly with it. First off it gave me a physical activity. Some studies have shown that exercise can help a person release different types of stress and help calm down anger in a healthy way. It also gave me focus. It allowed me to look for something to concentrate on. Something to attribute to being punished from doing if I did something bad from my anger. I liked martial arts so I did not want to be kept away from it.

Through the years I also learned breathing as simple as it may sound makes it better. The proper breathing techniques can do wonders when you are angry believe it or not. I learn meditation techniques along with the fact that sometimes i needed to sit down and relax. To much stress without having a break in there to play a video game, play some basketball etc. can actually make you get angry much more quickly. So some relaxation. Some studies have also shown that work-a-holics get stressed and angry quickly. It is also true on the other end. Those who don't do anything when asked to do something can also snap. Learning to find your level of work and play that is best for you can help.

I hope that makes sense... my mind often goes off in random directions.... hmmm maybe i should work on that.... nah. I have enough to do already.


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## shesulsa (Nov 7, 2008)

Usually continued, unabated anger is a sign of some unresolved hurt, fear or resentment.  Then subsequent problems that tickle the same issue make the problem bigger until it becomes the only inward response you know.

A therapist specializing in men's anger issues is exactly what you need right now.

Hopefully you can learn to let go or resolve within you that which presses your angry button and learn to dissociate appropriately.


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## KELLYG (Nov 7, 2008)

I think that seeking help from someone that has experience with anger management is and excellent idea.

I understanding that you are using your MA as a physical outlet.
Another choose would be to find time to sit and be quiet, no music, no noise, no distractions and listen to the silence, not meditation, which is trying to do something, but allow your self to be still.  

Free writing is helpful as well,  just sit down with a piece of paper and a pencil and write what ever is on your mind good, bad.  It does not even have to make sense just let everything in your mind come out.  

Sometimes I when I'm feeling uptight will go outside and look up a the sky.  It helps me to realize how small I am in the universe and then my problems seem smaller still. 

Some of this may sound hoke but I has helped me through some tough spots.


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