# Cat Bathing as a Martial Art



## Shaderon (May 14, 2007)

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk--dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. 
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. 

The time comes, however, when a person must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub: 
Know that although the cat has the advantages of quickness and utter disregard for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) 
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. 
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. 
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) 
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. 
Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is--for cats--three latherings, so don't expect too much.) 
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. 
Do *NOT* try to use a blow dryer. You might as well use a vacuum cleaner. 

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. 
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.


*To bathe a cat requires brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction - and a cat. 
The last ingredient is the hardest to come by. -  [SIZE=-1]Stephen Baker [/SIZE]*


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## Rich Parsons (May 14, 2007)

If one can, wrap the animal/cat in a nice big towel. Close one door to the bath room if it has two. Then go in and close the other.  If you have one of those shower heads with the removeable head and flex hose then have it read on the shower floor. Put the cat into the shower and use your body to block. If there is a door then the area is smaller then normal wihtout a door. Have all the tools at hand. Be it shampoo's or soaps and then get ready to wet the cat down. Also note that one will have to get wet as well. 

Good Luck and give your cat some time to forgive you.


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## Drac (May 14, 2007)

We own 6 cats and they all  had to have a bath at one point , not an easy task...Defination of squirming : A cat that knows they are about to be bathed...


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## bushidomartialarts (May 14, 2007)

My sensei used to tell great stories about how he used to work for a company that groomed cats.  Took all his kung-fu skills.


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## crushing (May 14, 2007)

mrhnau has very specific instructions for bathing a cat in this thread:  http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48757


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## MA-Caver (May 14, 2007)

crushing said:


> mrhnau has very specific instructions for bathing a cat in this thread:  http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=48757


Yeah, that's the way to do it... and I didn't need no dog to tell me how either!


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## jdinca (May 14, 2007)

I don't know that I've ever been more torn up than when I tried to bathe my cat as a kid. 

Definitely requires hand speed that I did not possess at the time...


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## donna (May 15, 2007)

My Aunt had a cat that loved water so much , she had to make sure the cat was shut *out* of the bathroom when she took a bath or shower, as the cat would jump in with her.


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## Drac (May 15, 2007)

donna said:


> My Aunt had a cat that loved water so much , she had to make sure the cat was shut *out* of the bathroom when she took a bath or shower, as the cat would jump in with her.


 
My brother had 2 cats that LOVED water...


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## Shaderon (May 15, 2007)

I know Bengals like water as a rule, but I've never heard of any other cat who did.   My cat didn't mind being splashed and wasn't too bothered about rain but she hated getting her paws wet.  I often thought I could probably bath her as long as she didn't get her paws wet.   :uhyeah:


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## Carol (May 15, 2007)

Wait.....why is my cat giving me a thousand-yard stare?  All I did was open the thread....


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## Drac (May 15, 2007)

Carol Kaur said:


> Wait.....why is my cat giving me a thousand-yard stare? All I did was open the thread....


 
I tink you be in trouble...


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## Randy Strausbaugh (May 15, 2007)

I gave my cat a bath once, and she really liked it. Problem was, the fur kept getting stuck on my tongue.

Yeah, I stole that one from Steve Martin. So sue me.


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## Brian R. VanCise (May 15, 2007)

With cat's if you want to bath them you need to start them very early and get them used to it as a kitten.  Even then you are probably in for it once they are an adult and all precautions should be taken. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			






Now here is another fun thing to try with your cat. (definately a bonding moment)  I attempted this as an eleven or twelve year old and will never ever try anything like it again.  Note I attempted this on a fully grown *barn* tom cat. :erg:  Remember I was young at the time.  Well one day I thought after walking my dog on his leash that it would be really cool to walk a cat on a leash.  That was mistake number one.  Mistake number two was getting a leash and making a small collar out of twine.  Mistake number three: yep you guessed it attempting to put it on the cat.  Now I was young, naive and simply did not understand cats at all so I had shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes on.  Well needless to say I went to the hospital to get some shots after the incident.  However my one point of this story is that *you can* walk a cat on a leash or drag it and yet you should be prepared to pay dearly. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 (note the cat was not hurt during this event only the child)


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## Carol (May 15, 2007)

Drac said:


> I tink you be in trouble...



Uhh...nice kitty, nice nice kitty....good kitty now...


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## Drac (May 15, 2007)

Carol Kaur said:


> Uhh...nice kitty, nice nice kitty....good kitty now...


 
Say it with a can of tuna fish...


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## JBrainard (May 15, 2007)

Shaderon said:


> I know Bengals like water as a rule, but I've never heard of any other cat who did. My cat didn't mind being splashed and wasn't too bothered about rain but she hated getting her paws wet. I often thought I could probably bath her as long as she didn't get her paws wet. :uhyeah:


 
My friend had a cat that would sleep in the bathroom sink and didn't mind if you ran the water. It wasn't a Bengal, but we theorized that it was brain damaged.


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## Sukerkin (May 15, 2007)

Shaderon said:


> Some people say cats never have to be bathed.
> 
> <snip a large quantity of hilarious prose>
> 
> ...


 
I have nothing to add of any use whatsoever but wanted to post as you've just had me guffawing madly and that quite effectively removed the black cloud I've been working under all day ROFL :tup: :rei: and every other signal of approval I can think of .


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## Cirdan (May 16, 2007)

Wegies are norally very clean but I had to bathe ours in a special bath when he got lice that one time. Trying to do this to a 14 pound monster without any protective gear was a HUGE mistake and I succeded only on sheer stubborness. The bath looked like a cut scene from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre afterwards.


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## qi-tah (May 29, 2007)

Shaderon said:


> I know Bengals like water as a rule, but I've never heard of any other cat who did. My cat didn't mind being splashed and wasn't too bothered about rain but she hated getting her paws wet. I often thought I could probably bath her as long as she didn't get her paws wet. :uhyeah:


 
My cat is the exact opposite - hates getting wet but stands in his water bowl to drink. After which he generally wants to find me and either a) dry his paws on my lap, or b) flicks water at me.


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## Shaderon (May 29, 2007)

You know I used to have a kitten once that lay in her water bowl, you've just reminded me.... mad things cats.


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## BrandiJo (May 29, 2007)

my cats hate baths, the youngest one will climb her way up my arm to get out ... iv started bathing her in about 5 layers of clothing, the fat one (in my picture) will sit faily good and just meow the most sad and pittiful meows you have ever heart ... really even if you hate cats it will break your heart untill the min you let go of him to shampoo him then he will run like mad and hide under the tub (we have an old victoran type bathtub), and the oldest and meanest cat (in her youger days) left me with a gash on my arm that required 15 stiches a few chunks of skin (yes chunks) out of my upper thigh and about 20 or so superfishal scratchs


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