# You Might be a Martial Artist if...... (keep it clean please)



## ajury (Mar 13, 2011)

We had fun with this on my schools facebook page so wanted to post it here.  Please keep it clean and have fun.   I removed names as I do not have permission from everyone to repost.  Most of the funniest ones are from other folks.



Sunday is spent cleaning and sorting uniforms

You look up your name in Korean to see if it is spelled correctly on your belt.

The school schedule is posted on your door in color.

You know how to get any stain out of white.

You select your washer based on how well it gets stains out of white.

&#8206;...you bow whenever you enter or leave a room.

 &#8206;...you find yourself shaking hands with people with your left hand under your right elbow.

 &#8206;...you  watch martial arts movies with your kid and you  find that neither of  you is looking at the bad guy the hero is kicking,  you're both looking  at the hero's plant foot to see if it is facing in  the "right"  direction.

you make it out of class with just a couple bruises and super sweatty

 You know at least 4 different laundry products that get your whites really white...

 You  and your lady friends are in the locker room and one sees a  bruise on  your forearm.  Her first question is "Is that from today?"  vice "OMG  what happened?"




&#8206;...There is a rule at your house that you cannot practice forms while at the dinner table.
... If you say grace with your right fist in front of your face and your left hand covering it.
...If all the family board games end in a hand shake w...ith your left hand supporting the right elbow.
...If you bow at the door, and immediately take your shoes off before entering.
...If you have to tell the kids that, "NO, the family dog, is not a suitable sparring partner.
...If you have to tell your youngest child he may not break boards until after he is potty trained.




&#8206;...If you have some body named "Sir" or "Master" on speed dial.
...If   you catch your spouse shutting the fridge door with a roundhouse kick   and then correct him by telling him to pull his toes back.
...If you are anxious to hit the hot tub b...ecause, "Class was brutal today."
...If your family room has wood flooring, a board holder, and nothing else.
... If your chief decoration in the house consists of tkd trophies, medals, and pictures from prior rank tests.
...If your children set up "friendship tournaments" to mediate neighborhood disputes.
...If   you get called to the prinicipal's office because your Jr. black belt   son is teaching choong ji to all his class mates at recess.

 Name  in Korean - funny you should say that. When the admin  folks here gave  me my nametag in Korean, I handed it back and said it  was not spelled  right. They were pretty surprised...
       <He recently moved to Korea in his military job,  Thanks for your service!>


Angela C Jury You have the economy size of tiger balm and it is running out.

 The folks at the lumber store have figured out that you're not  *really* making bird houses with all of that 9" pine...

 You know the difference between tiger balm and ben gay simply by the smell.

 Your  friends always wonder why your car smells "like  furniture"... It's just  your next two years' worth of pine sitting in  the back.



&#8206;...people  come over to  your house and ask what the difference is between the  boards in the  grey racks and the boards in the red racks and you tell  them the boards  in the red racks are just for "practice".

...you know the symbolism behind the flag of South Korea.

...you have a relatively large vocabulary in Korean, but you can't say one complete sentence.

...you have broken wooden boards on display somewhere in the house.

...you have to purchase a new saw blade for your 7.25" power saw and you've never built a deck, a house, or done any roofing.

...you   watch action movies with your kid and both of you aren't paying   attention to the story, you're both looking to see if their technique is   "correct".


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## Blade96 (Mar 13, 2011)

......you find yourself bowling in zenkutsu dachi.

True story btw....i found myself using that stance when i went bowling with friends a few weeks ago. In case your wondering, it worked.


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## WC_lun (Mar 13, 2011)

...you just went through two minutes of beating the crap out of and getting beat by a friend (or competitor) to stop, bow to each other, share a hug, a smile, and think how that was a great time.

... you pay a person good money to perform what some people view as abuse upon you.

... you view it as a great compliment when the head man chooses you to strike, throw, or twist into a pretzel...and so do your friends.

...bruises are badges of pride.


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## Kacey (Mar 13, 2011)

... people ask you about the bruises on your forearms (or anywhere else visible) and you just smile and say "Yeah, but you should my opponent!"

... you get injured and just keep going

... you shake hands with your left hand under your right forearm

... you catch yourself bowing when you shake hands


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## David43515 (Mar 13, 2011)

.....You have more than three gallons of dit da jow brewing at any one time.

.....upon being released from an incredibly painful jointlock your first response is "can you do that once more please?"

......you`ve ever attended a business/commitee meeeting and forgotten to take the take athletic tape off your fingers.

......someone asks to borrow your sword for a sunday school lesson and you can offer them a selection of tpyes and sizes.

......a local nurse comments that you`re good for business, and you haven`t been sick in years.

.......your kids yell at the hero on TV to "close his center and jam the knee!"

.......the aches in your back and elbows are more reliable than the local weatherman.

.......some of the dearest friends you`ve ever met beat you on a regular basis, and that`s part of their charm.


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## David43515 (Mar 13, 2011)

My Assistant Principal just reminded me of one.

......if you`ve ever broken up a fight between students and found yourself correcting their technique instead of sending them to the office.


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## Ken Morgan (Mar 13, 2011)

You can't watch movies like Star Wars anymore because during the light saber duels, your brain keeps yelling, target, target, target, why are you taking your tip off of the target? and kill him now, now, now, now.....


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## searcher (Mar 13, 2011)

.........You buy jeans based on whether or not you can kick to the head with them on.

.........You bow when entering and leaving ALL rooms and buildings.

.........You base your vacations around tournaments and seminars.


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## ajury (Mar 14, 2011)

You folks are so cool!

Thank you very much!

I think I have found a great place to hang out.

Ill certainly keep reading.


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## Blade96 (Mar 14, 2011)

ajury said:


> You folks are so cool!
> 
> Thank you very much!
> 
> ...



Oh they are really a great bunch!


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## jcauser (Mar 14, 2011)

WC_lun said:


> hahahahah love that one !!!


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## Aikicomp (Mar 14, 2011)

.....You shake someone's hand and are tempted to put them into a finger lock, thumb lock, or a few more throws and locks.

....You meet someone and instantly survey the weak points of their anatomy, stance, balance just in case they decide to attack you.

....when you go into some building and find all the exits and "read" the area for possible threats.

Michael


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## Bruno@MT (Mar 14, 2011)

WC_lun said:


> ...you just went through two minutes of beating the crap out of and getting beat by a friend (or competitor) to stop, bow to each other, share a hug, a smile, and think how that was a great time.



I used to do that when I was in college, on friday nights.
I'd visit my best friend's dorm, and while the rest was going out to see a movie, we'd gear up (shin pads, teeth guard, knuckle guards) and spent an hour and a half beating each other up.

When the others came back, we were invariably nursing big bruises, bumps, a split lip and things like that. They didn't really understand our definition of having a great time.

We quit doing that when his knees went bust (malformed bone structure leading to cartilege detorioration). We still miss those days. We'd do it again in a heartbeat. Few things form a friendship like beating the crap out of each other.


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## Balrog (Mar 14, 2011)

ajury said:


> ...you bow whenever you enter or leave a room.
> 
> &#8206;...you find yourself shaking hands with people with your left hand under your right elbow.


My friends at work have noticed me bowing when I come into the conference room and a couple have noticed the handshake.  They find it amusing.  When it was pointed out to me that I do this, my first thought was, "Well, finally, something is sinking in."


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## Bill Mattocks (Mar 14, 2011)

I called my doctor 'sensei' last week when I had an appointment for a checkup.

And he noted my latest bruises and said _"Those are just from karate, right?"_

So we're both used to it by now.


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## Ken Morgan (Mar 14, 2011)

you actually have scars on your hands an arms from sword work....

(Not anymore, but learning to use a shinken was a *****)


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## OnlyAnEgg (Mar 14, 2011)

...you have a pretty good idea why Chuck Norris is so badass and can name 10 people that can take him.


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## Aiki Lee (Mar 14, 2011)

Ken Morgan said:


> you actually have scars on your hands an arms from sword work....
> 
> (Not anymore, but learning to use a shinken was a *****)


 
My main training partner has a scar from a yari, and a few of us have some on our hands from the sword so I can say I literally feel your pain.


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## CrimsonPhoenix (Mar 14, 2011)

You judge how good a particular workout was by how soaked with sweat your gi is afterward.

When outside of class, you turn around to face the back of a room to adjust your jacket/shirt/coat out of habit.

Your friends (from experience) back away and scream &#8220;No!&#8221; when you ask if you can try some joint locks or self defense on them.

You have personalized your instructors&#8217; ringtone so that it plays &#8220;Kung Fu Fighting&#8221; or something similar when they call.

You have considered (or have done so) altering your uniform so that it fits better, regardless of your actual sewing ability.

You are more comfortable barefoot than with shoes on.


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## Blade96 (Mar 14, 2011)

....you look at random people as you are walking down the street and wonder if you can take them.

(Oh yes i've done that too)


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## Flea (Mar 14, 2011)

Bill Mattocks said:


> I called my doctor 'sensei' last week when I had an appointment for a checkup.
> 
> And he noted my latest bruises and said _"Those are just from karate, right?"_
> 
> So we're both used to it by now.



And then of course there's the female equivalent: you can't come home from the doctor's office without a stack of pamphlets on domestic violence.  The more you explain what's _really_ going on, the bigger that stack gets.

It's a good thing, really, but it gets old after a while.


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## Flea (Mar 14, 2011)

What else?

You make any turn with a minimalist little pivot.  It looks especially interesting at the grocery store.

You can't help but count your breaths whenever you walk.  Bonus points for weird "heavy breathing" with any exertion.

"Stop, drop, and roll" isn't just for fires.  :flame:


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## ajury (Mar 14, 2011)

Bummer for you guys.  It is funny how much more I trust folks after letting them kick me!  I have met great people.  Maybe it takes a certaint number of whacks to the head to be trusted.  Those singles bars have it all wrong!



We quit doing that when his knees went bust (malformed bone structure leading to cartilege detorioration). We still miss those days. We'd do it again in a heartbeat. Few things form a friendship like beating the crap out of each other.[/quote]


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## girlbug2 (Mar 14, 2011)

Flea said:


> And then of course there's the female equivalent: you can't come home from the doctor's office without a stack of pamphlets on domestic violence..


 
Heh, I was about to say 

Your black eye was not from your "old man" beating you.


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## IcemanSK (Mar 15, 2011)

You spend more effort and attention to the gear you wear during training than your street clothes.

When you meet a Korean person (or someone of the ethnicity of your Art) you assume they are into your Art....even though they might not have a clue about it.

A few years ago my wife & I started going to an Episcopal Church where they often bow at the cross as it comes down the aisle, & as we go up to the altar. I felt right at home there


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## tenzen (Mar 15, 2011)

If your 2 year old punches kicks elbows knees and head butts already.

If your three year old does all of the above as well as 3 chokes 3 arm locks 3 leg locks.

If your childrens favorite thing to do outside is hit the heavy bag.


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## Phenix_Rider (Mar 15, 2011)

If you regularly have skinned knuckles from the heavy bag

If you routinely "speak softly and carry a big stick"

If you contemplate practicing jump kicks at home and only just stop in time to avoid bouncing off the ceiling

If you've every knocked down a light fixture with a kick or staff twirl

If you "see" what it would take to take everyone in a room out of the fight

If your cat doesn't hear you coming when you pounce to pick him up

If you shadowbox in front of your bathroom mirror

Yes, yes, and yes... I'm hopeless.


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## Rayban (Mar 15, 2011)

...if you're happy with the bruise you got because your training partner got it right.

...if you're equally happy you badly bruised your close friend while training with them.

...if you can swing a sword properly but be totally hopeless using a knife in the kitchen.

...if you are always looking around at what could double as an improvised weapon.

...if you start saying "yes Sensei" in your sleep.

...if you are forced to sleep on the couch because after you say "yes Sensei" you use a wrist lock in your sleep.


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## David43515 (Mar 15, 2011)

Rayban said:


> ...if you always watch movies looking for what the star could use as a weapon/cover


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## ajury (Mar 15, 2011)

...if you are forced to sleep on the couch because after you say "yes Sensei" you use a wrist lock in your sleep.[/quote]

My wife also studies Tae Kwon Do one night I woke up and she had done a short punch to the ribs, fortunately I was close and nothing broke.


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## Blade96 (Mar 16, 2011)

Heh.


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## Never_A_Reflection (Mar 16, 2011)

...you attempt to apply a hadaka-jime (rear naked choke) in your sleep.

For your information, though, my girlfriend thought it was hilarious after she got her head free.


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## thepanjr (Mar 16, 2011)

when you shake someone's hand in a shuto form. Happens all the time and is a annoying habit!

when you go to the washroom to practice katas.

when you block somone approaching hand.


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## chrispillertkd (Mar 16, 2011)

When you shake hands with the left hand under the right elbow, even at Mass during the sign of peace.

When you correct your children's fist clenching when they try to "surprise attack" you.

When you think "I know that person, who are they?" and then realize who they are and that they _do_ actually have clothes other than a dobok.

When you don't like being in crowds ... because it's harder to see a short weapon coming.

When you don't sit with your back to a door in a restaurant.

When you give examples of the effectiveness of certain techniques ... that you've been on the receiving end of.

Pax,

Chris


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## chinto (Mar 17, 2011)

when your most expensive cloths are your two heavy weight shuriedo Gi's

when you have more martial arts weapons then kitchen knives

when you find when watching any movie, you keep screaming at the screen "quit screwing around and take him! oh man he is sooo open!" and also " what kind of idiot are you?? he should have been dispatched in the first 5 seconds!! how could you miss all the openings??!"

(yep done that a few times!)

you have a heavy bag in the Landry aria so you can punch it when you are doing the washing...  and then use it usually. 
when you wish you could afford a good shureido makawara for each room!


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## Yondanchris (Mar 17, 2011)

.....when you yell at the spell check on your computer for not recognizing the words:
      Dojo
      Dojang
      Kenpo
      Kempo 
      Gi 
      Shaolin 

In fact the spell check here on the forum is giving me headaches as we speak! 

Chris


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## ajury (Mar 18, 2011)

Master at my school says it is quite embarrassing when a child sees him in the market and says "You look different with your cloths on!"

Maybe I should start one that says you might be an instructor if......


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## Twin Fist (Mar 18, 2011)

not gonna admit how many of these apply to me....


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## Ironcrane (Mar 19, 2011)

When your non Martial Arts friends get the great idea of jumping out of a corner to scare you, and you respond by going into 'attack mode' looking for targets. Then before you know what's happening, your friends have gone pale, and are slowly backing away.

When you use your stepping/movement drills to get around other people, and objects. Done in a very casual, unobvious way of course.

When everything that's put in your hands is assest for its potential to be used as a weapon.


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## Josh Oakley (Mar 19, 2011)

You know you're a martial artist if your friends come over to help you pack for a move, and  can be heard shouting "found another knife!" no less than 20 times in the process.


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## ETinCYQX (Mar 20, 2011)

When your downstairs rec room fridge is full of Gatorade and water with no beer in sight

When your 3 Gi's hang just inside your bedroom and someone asks why there's blood on your housecoat

When someone wakes you up while sleeping and you automatically go for a body triangle and a rear naked choke

When you trip during a night of fun and pull off a perfect rolling break fall in jeans

When you've replaced your rec room floor at least twice from tearing the top off of a water-filled wavemaster target :lol:

When your "parties" consist of watching Olympic tapes, sitting around in gym clothes, and pausing periodically to try something

When you hit your shin off of the bedside table in the morning, slice it open, and don't notice until you get out of the shower and see blood on your towel

When your "nice" Gi is only nice because it's blue and the bloodstains don't show up as much :lol:

When you have a black eye, mat burn, and a cut on your face and your female MA friends think it's "hot" :lol:

When you know exactly how to get bloodstains out of white

When your criteria for a washing machine is handling two Gi's and rashguards


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## Zero (Mar 23, 2011)

Thanks AJury, I came a bit late to this post and have nothing else hilarious to add to the above but just wanted to say this is a great post and along with having some really funny stuff it made me appreicate/remember why I, and I guess most of us on this forum, love MA so much!


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## ajury (Mar 23, 2011)

Thank you Mr Zero.

It came out of some conversations at our TKD studio and then from our facebook page.  The seed that started it was from many people from my studio.  I did not have everyones permission to share so I removed their names.  This seems like a great board and I am having fun learning from everyone.    So much to learn, so little time, at least I can help add some laughter!


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## Josh Oakley (Mar 25, 2011)

You might be a martial artist if a student asks why they should not swing their sword the way they are doing it, and in response you show a scar that required stitches in the double digits.

.. yeah, true story.


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## Dirty Dog (Mar 25, 2011)

Last August I had surgery for cancer. 10" midline incision. 18" of gut removed. I left the hospital a week after surgery and two hours after I got home, I said to my wife "It's time for TKD class. Let's get going."
OK, so all I did in that class was sit at the back and quietly offer corrections and suggestions to the lower belts. I didn't rejoin class until two days after I got home (9 days after surgery). Couldn't kick very well, for some reason. 8 weeks to the day after the surgery, I tested for 2nd geup.

Does that make me a martial artist, or an idiot? I'm not really sure...


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 25, 2011)

... When you view grocery dividers as possible weapons.


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## Josh Oakley (Mar 26, 2011)

Dirty Dog said:


> Last August I had surgery for cancer. 10" midline incision. 18" of gut removed. I left the hospital a week after surgery and two hours after I got home, I said to my wife "It's time for TKD class. Let's get going."
> OK, so all I did in that class was sit at the back and quietly offer corrections and suggestions to the lower belts. I didn't rejoin class until two days after I got home (9 days after surgery). Couldn't kick very well, for some reason. 8 weeks to the day after the surgery, I tested for 2nd geup.
> 
> Does that make me a martial artist, or an idiot? I'm not really sure...



Let's face it. We dedicated martial artists ARE ALL a bit off...


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## Mass (Mar 26, 2011)

You practice that one move in the shower before washing your hair.


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## Phenix_Rider (Mar 26, 2011)

Dirty Dog said:


> Last August I had surgery for cancer. 10" midline incision. 18" of gut removed. I left the hospital a week after surgery and two hours after I got home, I said to my wife "It's time for TKD class. Let's get going."
> OK, so all I did in that class was sit at the back and quietly offer corrections and suggestions to the lower belts. I didn't rejoin class until two days after I got home (9 days after surgery). Couldn't kick very well, for some reason. 8 weeks to the day after the surgery, I tested for 2nd geup.
> 
> Does that make me a martial artist, or an idiot? I'm not really sure...



Probably crazy...

I tested for 1st gup at my old school two weeks after getting a cast off my foot from disconnecting a ligament in the arch.

Then I did a track day on my sportbike less than a month after having a similar surgery.  Luckily mine was laporoscopic, so it's only four little cuts (groin, 2x navel, and solar plex).


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## Amoroque (Mar 28, 2011)

thepanjr said:


> when you go to the washroom to practice katas.


 

Nice!  I thought I was the only one!


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## Namii (Apr 3, 2011)

..... you think "is this room big enough to do a whole form in? is that ceiling high enough to do sword forms?"
..... you can easily duck out of the way of clumsy people
.... the practice area in your apt has scrapes on the ceiling and scratches in the cabinet from sword practice
.... there is at least one sword in each room in the apt
....when you enter a room you quickly scan your surroundings


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## Josh Oakley (Apr 6, 2011)

Namii said:


> ..... you think "is this room big enough to do a whole form in? is that ceiling high enough to do sword forms?"
> ..... you can easily duck out of the way of clumsy people
> .... the practice area in your apt has scrapes on the ceiling and scratches in the cabinet from sword practice
> .... there is at least one sword in each room in the apt
> ....when you enter a room you quickly scan your surroundings



You might be a martial artist if both you and your ceiling have sword wounds.


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## Indie12 (Apr 6, 2011)

Josh Oakley said:


> Let's face it. We dedicated martial artists ARE ALL a bit off...


 
Couldn't agree more!!


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## Indie12 (Apr 6, 2011)

"You spend every night contemplating the meaning of "Hi-Ya, Oi, or Waaasaaah!" :rofl:


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## Namii (Apr 7, 2011)

Josh Oakley said:


> You might be a martial artist if both you and your ceiling have sword wounds.


Haha true. Thankfully I dont have any "wounds" on me, but I did have a couple "nibbles"


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## Indie12 (Apr 8, 2011)

Here's another one:

"You wear your Martial Belt with your daily clothes"


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## Josh Oakley (Apr 8, 2011)

Namii said:


> Haha true. Thankfully I dont have any "wounds" on me, but I did have a couple "nibbles"


 
I have one that is 4 inches across, on my head.


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## Namii (Apr 9, 2011)

..you feel that your regular kitchen knives are inadequate 
...when you go to the chiropractor for the first time, the first question you ask after the adjustment is "can I train tonight?"
...you have used a sword for minor household cutting tasks because it was the closest and sharpest thing at the time

ouch 4 inches across the head? may i ask how that happened? That had to have been scary. 
Its pretty freaky when  you lay open your thumb on a peach can lid and you see your bone. Ive also gotten whacked in the face with a golf club in gym class and it required stitches to close my cheek back up.


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## Josh Oakley (Apr 9, 2011)

Namii said:


> ..you feel that your regular kitchen knives are inadequate
> ...when you go to the chiropractor for the first time, the first question you ask after the adjustment is "can I train tonight?"
> ...you have used a sword for minor household cutting tasks because it was the closest and sharpest thing at the time
> 
> ...



I was kinda dumb in my early 20s. Trained with a new sword and didn't respect the fact that it had a sharp blade. Didn't take my time and train slow.drew it right across my head just above my right ear. Now I've got a permanent Nike Swoosh.

Didn't scare me. Seeing your own blood run past your eyes is a bit.... existential... but all I did was stop up the bleeding and put a paper towel on it, under a beanie cap. One of my female friends was LIVID when I showed up to class the next day, and the student government meeting, having still not seen the doctor. I think I had 17 stitches, 7 of which were deep stitches. I was about a millimeter away from the bone. 

Doctor say I really would have fared better, had I just gone to the ER. He said I would have had a much more minimal scar, or posibly even none at all. He had to just shake his head and laugh when I told him the ER would cost more, and I had stuff to do. 

The arrogance of youth.


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## Indie12 (Apr 18, 2011)

Josh Oakley said:


> I was kinda dumb in my early 20s. Trained with a new sword and didn't respect the fact that it had a sharp blade. Didn't take my time and train slow.drew it right across my head just above my right ear. Now I've got a permanent Nike Swoosh.
> 
> Didn't scare me. Seeing your own blood run past your eyes is a bit.... existential... but all I did was stop up the bleeding and put a paper towel on it, under a beanie cap. One of my female friends was LIVID when I showed up to class the next day, and the student government meeting, having still not seen the doctor. I think I had 17 stitches, 7 of which were deep stitches. I was about a millimeter away from the bone.
> 
> ...


 
LOL... Unfortunately I can relate... On many levels!


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