# How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you



## Bob Hubbard (Sep 28, 2009)

*How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you* 			 			 			 		  		 		 			 			(warning, naughty word at the end)


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## Bob Hubbard (Sep 28, 2009)

http://www.catswhothrowupgrass.com/kill.php

If that's not readable.


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## jks9199 (Sep 28, 2009)

I know how to tell if a cat is plotting to kill you...

Is the cat breathing?  Has it been distracted by something like eating?  (Napping doesn't count; they dream of killing you..)


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## Carol (Sep 29, 2009)

My tabby is such a sweetheart.  He would never try to k


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## d1jinx (Sep 29, 2009)

pretty good.


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## Xue Sheng (Sep 29, 2009)

jks9199 said:


> I know how to tell if a cat is plotting to kill you...
> 
> Is the cat breathing? Has it been distracted by something like eating? (Napping doesn't count; they dream of killing you..)


 
That was pretty much my thought... I owned a cat many moons ago and I pretty much figured out then that ALL cats were plotting to kill all humans and it doesn't matter if you own one



Carol Kaur said:


> My tabby is such a sweetheart. He would never try to k


 
Carol....Carol.....CAROL!!!! MY GOD THEY GOT CAROL!!!!

Those evil Feline basta


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## CoryKS (Sep 29, 2009)

It's a cat. That's all you need to know. Get out of the house NOW.


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## chrispillertkd (Sep 29, 2009)

Personally, I
m always amazed that people consider cats dometicated animals. Dogs, sure. But cats? Never.

Pax,

Chris


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## Big Don (Sep 29, 2009)

jks9199 said:


> I know how to tell if a cat is plotting to kill you...
> 
> Is the cat breathing?  Has it been distracted by something like eating?  (Napping doesn't count; they dream of killing you..)


Almost.
The Correct Answer:
Is it a cat? Then it is trying to kill you.


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## Jade Tigress (Sep 29, 2009)

i am soooooooooooo going to be dead.


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## shesulsa (Sep 29, 2009)

Carol Kaur said:


> My tabby is such a sweetheart.  He would never try to k




OH my GAWD!  THEY KILLED CAROL!!!  YOU BASTARDS!!!!

(kenny)


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## MBuzzy (Sep 29, 2009)

Actually, my cat has figured out how to get outside.  She learned the dog door all on her own.  Now she's investigating the possibility of getting over the fence.....the 8' tall wooden fence.  

I know EXACTLY what she's thinking.  "Finally, I've reached the back yard...next step, kill the neighbors, then conquer the world."


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## Dirty Dog (Sep 29, 2009)

We have 3 cats, 2 dogs, and 2 ferrets. It has been truely said that dogs have masters and cats have staff.

Cats ar furry little demons. All of them. They merely pretend to be sweet and cute and cuddly to get us to drop our guard...


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## celtic_crippler (Sep 29, 2009)

That's why it's important to ensure your kitty's are fat and lazy.


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## elder999 (Sep 29, 2009)

celtic_crippler said:


> That's why it's important to ensure your kitty's are fat and lazy.


 
That, and a little bit of fat makes a much tastier stir-fry....:lfao:


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## Big Don (Sep 29, 2009)

elder999 said:


> That, and a little bit of fat makes a much tastier stir-fry....:lfao:


The plucking must take forever...


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## elder999 (Sep 29, 2009)

Big Don said:


> The plucking must take forever...


 
Thus, the expression: _There's more than one way to *skin* a cat!_ :lfao: :lfao: :lfao:

(I *kill* me! :lfao: )


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## Chris Parker (Sep 30, 2009)

You know, I'm sitting here reading this all with my two lovely cats, both completely loving and docile, friendly to a fault, with ne'er a wayward thought towards any other living creature, let alone their true and constant companions, the wonderful human beings that inhabit their world. They assure me that it is all just a misunderstanding, they are our loyal guardians, nothing more, and this slander is the work of those traitorous canines.

(Okay, I said it, alright? Can you put the knife down now? And how are you holding a knife anyway, you don't have thumbs...)


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## Chris Parker (Sep 30, 2009)

Okay, they've gone, don't know how long I've got before they return...

I could swear I woke up in the middle of the night and they were just watching me, very creepy... they told me I dreamt it, I'm not sure...


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## Bob Hubbard (Sep 30, 2009)

One of mine has thumbs. LOL!


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## KELLYG (Sep 30, 2009)

How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you?
Did ya try to give him a pill lately.  

Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.
Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.
Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


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## Jade Tigress (Oct 3, 2009)

it all makes sense now.


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## Rich Parsons (Oct 3, 2009)

Jade Tigress said:


> it all makes sense now.


 
Funny as that is the image I see as well. :~)  

My 19 year old cat is trying to out live me. She keeps fighting and coming back, and I think it is all just a scheme to see if she can last longer than me.


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## Matthew McMullen (Oct 5, 2009)

Well based on that chart every cat is plotting to kill its owners that's why I don't have any pets I am allergic to death.


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## CoryKS (Oct 5, 2009)

Matthew McMullen said:


> Well based on that chart every cat is plotting to kill its owners that's why I don't have any pets I am allergic to death.


 
Those evil kittehs are using chemical warfare.


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