# corny joke time



## yak sao

A woman is lying in bed reading.
Her husband comes walking into the bedroom carrying a chicken under his arm.

Husband:    "Well, here's the pig I've been sleeping with"

Wife:          "uh...that's a chicken"

Husband:    "I wasn't talking to you"


----------



## donnaTKD




----------



## wingchun100

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.


----------



## Big Don

Chinese Takeout :$16.49
Gas to drive there: $2.00
Getting home and realizing one of your packages is missing: Riceless


----------



## ks - learning to fly

why was 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 - ate - 9 !!


----------



## wingchun100

Recently I have been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight.

People who live above me are furious.

****
One of my all-time favorite absurd jokes:

I'm living on a one way dead end street.
(slight pause)
I don't know how I ever got there.


----------



## seasoned

Why did the chicken cross the street. 





Free range..


----------



## yak sao

seasoned said:


> Why did the chicken cross the street.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Free range..




Why did the chicken cross the road?.....

   to prove to the opossum that it could be done


----------



## mook jong man

An Australian ends up next to a British soldier in the trenches during World War II.

The British soldier turns to him and says, "Good to see you mate , have you come here to die?"

To which the Australian replies , "No mate , I came here yesterday!"


----------



## Randy Strausbaugh

What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall?

Dam!


----------



## skribs

How did the blind man know the adult martial art class was in sync?

All of the joints cracked and popped in unison!


----------



## Touch Of Death

Humans wear many different types of clothing, but a dog just pants.


----------



## seasoned

What time is it when ten elephants are chasing you? 

Ten after one!


----------



## donald1

Definitions:
Dan: Someone that black belt level 
Darn: The sound uttered by the black belt realizes the instructor will now strike harder and more often 
Damn: The sound uttered by the black belt's partner, it's his turn now! 

Best 5 inventions in probably the world...  
5.  ABC gum,  takes the boring part out of the equation and if you're lucky there might be some flavor left 
4.  Nailed boards,  they already have nails thus the hard work is already done 
3.  Water-proof towel, now you never have a wet towel
2.  Peddle powered wheel chair,  it's definitely better than your average wheel chair... 
1. windows for a submarine,  now everyone can look outside and if you want you can even touch the fish (just open it)


----------



## seasoned

Why did the chicken cross the playground 





_To get to the other slide_.


----------



## Buka

I was visiting my daughter and asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I gotta' tell ya....That fly never knew what hit him.


----------



## Buka

WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER - Safeshare.TV


----------



## donnaTKD

^^^that is spot on^^^ ROTFLMAO 

could've been a newspaper - and he got swatted instead


----------



## Carol

3 guys walk in to a bar.

You'd think at least one of them would have ducked...


----------



## Carol

A lawyer, a priest, and a rabbi walk in to a bar.  

Bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"


----------



## donald1

I'm going to use the name Jim,  I don't think anyone here is named Jim.

Jim is at the hospital moments away from becoming a father but he decides he wants to leave so he leaves and doesn't get back for 5 years he misses his child and decided to throw a birthday party and gives a toy train and the boy says it's for a baby he doesn't like it 
So he leaves never comes back till 5 years and throws another birthday party this time he gives a tricycle but the child says it's too childish and he wants something more mature 
The man leaves and comes back 5 years later and this time gives a car shaped bed but the child says it is too childish and didn't like it 
So the man stays and treats the child well and good on his 18th,birthday he takes him to  his new apartment,  the child asks for the birthday present and before the father leaves he tells him don't worry its a very mature gift.  And when the son looks in the envelope its a bill


----------



## yak sao

I started a band called 999 Megabytes  we havent gotten a gig yet.


----------



## yak sao

Little Johnny was in Sunday School. The teacher was telling them about how Lot and his wife were escaping the city of Sodom. Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

Little Johnny raised his hand..."that's nothing...me and my little brother and my mom were driving down the road the other day. She looked back to yell at us and turned into a telephone pole"


----------



## donald1

How many martial artists does it take to change a light bulb 

1,  but everyone else is going to watch and say,  that's not how my sensei taught me!


----------



## Buka

Having no kids of his own, Jack sat down with his nephews for a serious talk. "I don't want to end up in a vegetative state attached to a machine, taking in drips of fluids from some bottle to sustain me."

So the little bastards stole his laptop and threw out his wine.


----------



## seasoned

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.


----------



## Transk53

Spoiler



What


----------



## donnaTKD

^^^ ????? ^^^


----------



## donald1

I've been making up corny jokes all day but the I've thought of so many i don't know where to starch(start)

A couple years back three friends went on a fishing trip to working trying to make a decent pay not to be mistaken for working hard they definitely were hardly working it was just the 3 of they were just sitting and drinking soda but while there out there a pirate ship comes and the pirates want to kill them.  The first friend gets shot several times in the arm and the leg then falls into the water but don't worry hees all right.  Then the second friend. Tries to bribe them off and hands the man an apple a day to keep them away...  Except there pirates not doctors so it won't keep them away and they throw him in the water the third friend asks notices a big hole in the ship and he knows if they don't kill him he will surely drown.  So he says he will not fight try escape if they can grant him one wish and the friend asks for one last mug of soda before he goes and he would have died that day but one thing stopped it though.  Root beer floats

One more...  
Three friends are in the dessert they are all tired and been out there for days.  They find a lamp and short story its a genie so they get one wish each.  The first friend says he wants to go home...  Poof now he is home.  The second friend says take me home too...  Poof now he is also home but the third friend is scared and doesn't know what to do so he says i wish my friends were here to help me decide


----------



## donald1

I always work 50/50 when working with a partner...  Partner does all the work I take all the credit...  50/50 just like I said


----------



## Transk53

donnaTKD said:


> ^^^ ????? ^^^



Was going to post a joke, but the spoiler code is not enabled. No delete key lol.


----------



## donald1

What did Mr. T say after he left a martial arts dojo 

I pity that Kung Foo


----------



## yak sao

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender says "ok, I'll serve you, but don't start anything"


----------



## donald1

I can't tell any more jokes cause I ran out of corny jokes,  the rest of my jokes are all cheesy


----------



## Buka




----------



## AdamGrose

WHOLE different thread!!!  




donald1 said:


> I can't tell any more jokes cause I ran out of corny jokes,  the rest of my jokes are all cheesy


----------



## ks - learning to fly

..I didn't know why the baseball kept getting so big..and then, it hit me!!!


----------



## donald1

I like baseball you get to walk,  steal bases and run home


----------



## donnaTKD

donald1 said:


> I can't tell any more jokes cause I ran out of corny jokes,  the rest of my jokes are all cheesy



doesn't matter   get em written on these boards


----------



## donald1

Hmmm corny jokes...  I don't know where to starch


----------



## yak sao

donald1 said:


> Hmmm corny jokes...  I don't know where to _starch_



well, you can start by _shucking_ that one


----------



## donald1

yak sao said:


> well, you can start by _shucking_ that one



Ha,  I seeds what you did there 

What do children and corn have in common,  both have ears but neither listen


----------



## Buka

My buddy showed me some of the moves he learned in Karate class the other day. Believe me, you wouldn't want to be the unlucky bastard that attacked him in super slow motion.


----------



## donnaTKD

man walked into a tree...............

and became rooted.............


----------



## donald1

Speaking of that this one guy had been bullied for quite some time so he joined a martial arts club and after a couple years of training he got so good he could kill a person with his bare foot and one day his bully decided to fight him.  Poor guy got beat up again while he was trying to take his shoes off


----------



## Transk53

donald1 said:


> speaking of that this one guy had been bullied for quite some time so he joined a martial arts club and after a couple years of training he got so good he could kill a person with his bare foot and one day his bully decided to fight him.  Poor guy got beat up again while he was trying to take his shoes off



psml


----------



## donald1

???


----------



## Transk53

donald1 said:


> ???



Peeing Myself Laughing


----------



## donnaTKD

he just doesnt know the proper ab's for it LoL  cos he still got it wrong when explaining 

it's PMSL or in this case it should be ROTFLPMSL


----------



## Touch Of Death

So there were these three cats, named Un, Deux, and Trois. They decided they wanted to go fishing; so, they all got on a raft, but, you see, there was a hole in the raft! So, Un, Deux, Trois, Quatres, Cinq!


----------



## donald1

Why does snoop dog always have an umbrella? 
Fo drizzle 
Wanna know how to find a squirrel,  climb a tree and act like a nut
-signs your a bad referee-
10)  referee borrows a pair of glasses from the corner judge. 9) The referee argues about whether he can bring his walker on the mat. 8) Your opponent's sleeves are folded up to the elbows, and the referee doesn't notice. 7) The referee keeps going up to Japanese fans and asking if they are Yasuhiro Yamashita. 6) He still thinks the pistol grip refers to a technique in the Goshin Jutsu. 5) Your opponent has gotten up 3 times before the referee decides that the first throw scored ippon. 4) The score reaches 3 waza-ari to 2 waza-ari, and you're still fighting. 3) The referee carries a stop watch to time 3 seconds for newaza. 2) During meetings the referee and corner judges exchange money.
1) After the match, the referee can't find his shoes.


----------



## dlcox

What does the star ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?




They both circle Uranus in search of Klingon


----------



## donnaTKD

dlcox said:


> What does the star ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> They both circle Uranus in search of Klingon



LOVE IT  

ROTFLPMSL :lfao:


----------



## Buka




----------



## elder999

There are 10 kinds of people in this world.........those who understand binary, and those who don't.


----------



## elder999

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar......and doesn't.


----------



## elder999

Why are quantum physicists so lousy in bed?

Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they find the momentum, they can't find the position.


----------



## pgsmith

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "I'll have five beers please!"


----------



## pgsmith

Why are electrical engineers always confusing Christmas and Holloween?  

  Because OCT. 31 = DEC. 25


----------



## donnaTKD

pgsmith said:


> Why are electrical engineers always confusing Christmas and Holloween?
> 
> Because OCT. 31 = DEC. 25



sorry but you lost me with this one


----------



## elder999

donnaTKD said:


> sorry but you lost me with this one




Oct.(_al_)31=Dec.(_imal) 25

*3*X(8)+1=25_


----------



## elder999

What does the 'B' in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? 

Benoit B Mandelbrot.


----------



## elder999

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''


----------



## elder999

What do scientists say when they go to the bar? Climate change scientists say: "Where's the ice?" Seismologists might ask for their drinks to be "shaken and not stirred". Microbiologists request just a small one. Neuroscientists ask for their drinks "to be spiked". Scientists studying the defective gubernaculum say: "Put mine in a highball", and finally, social scientists say: "I'd like something soft." When paying at the bar, geneticists say: "I think I have some change in my jeans." And at the end of the evening a shy benzene biochemist might say to his companion: "Please give me a ring."


----------



## donald1

I'm not good with cars honestly don't know how to tell if a car is good or bad so I usually get a test drive and drive the car ten miles with the emergency break not quite sure how much it says for the car or its emergency break but sure does give some weird car smell 

My neighbor works at an auto shop selling car parts and i asked if I could look at the car parts.  Later that day some guy in a Kia drives up and asks for a new gas cap and you know what...  That sounds like a fair trade

 im tough,  I'm so tough i break my hands with boards


----------



## donald1

At the rec center three people tried to break in steal things and would hurt anyone who got in the way but they choose the wrong rec center...  The first person went into an art room,  second into a tai chi club and the third in a gun club

When the police arrive he say a thief on the ground and asked what happened,  the artist said he defined himself with a wooden canvas and a paintbrush,  the police saw another guy on the ground in the Tai chi room and asked what happened,  the man said he used his tai chi sword and techniques he learned in class,  then another person in the gun club and asked the member what happened. And the member said,  what do you think?


----------



## donnaTKD

dog and cat went into a kennel..............

................and a lot of little woofmeow's came............


----------



## AdamGrose

Hmmmm... are you stalking me?  

Yak Sao wrote:







 Originally Posted by *donald1* 

 
 				Hmmm corny jokes...  I don't know where to _starch_





 well, you can start by _shucking_ that one​


----------



## Buka

Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it sucks to run in squares.

What do you call a left handed dog?
A south paw.


----------



## donnaTKD

Buka said:


> What do you call a left handed dog?
> A south paw.



should've been right handed dog   shows you don't train pugulism


----------



## elder999

donnaTKD said:


> should've been right handed dog   shows you don't train pugulism



Is that *pug*ilism?

I'd have thought the joke would work better with a boxer than a pug, but whatever......:lfao:


----------



## elder999

All the physicists are playing hide and seek. Einstein is the den and stands against the wall with his eyes closed and counts till 100 to enable all the physicists to run and hide. At the count of 100 Einstein turns around and finds Newton standing there.He screams, Newton, you are out!
 Newton says, No, I m not!
Einstein says, Yes, you are. I can see you here in front of me. 
Newton says, Im not out. Pascal is. 
Einstein is a bit confused and starts to scratch his head and beard. 
Newton says Here, Let me explain
He draws a square one meter by one meter on the floor and stands in the middle of it and says, 
One Newton per meter square is a Pascal, so its Pascal whos out not me!​


----------



## elder999

Physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an empirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks the math professor to look at it. A week later, the math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the math professor to look again. Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The math professor tells the physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the TRIVIAL case where the numbers are real and positive."

Q: What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
A: The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.


----------



## donald1

AdamGrose said:


> Hmmmm... are you stalking me?
> 
> Yak Sao wrote:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *donald1*
> 
> 
> Hmmm corny jokes...  I don't know where to _starch_
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> well, you can start by _shucking_ that one​



Corn?  None that I can think of right now but

I think I could whorl around another,  what do sword and corn have in common?  They both have a sheath.  I think I'm going to leaf it off there


----------



## donnaTKD

what do dogs and rabbits have in common ?

they both inhabit a kennel............

(i'll exit stage left i think...........donna's left the room.............  )


----------



## Buka

Question - What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Answer - Screwed


----------



## donnaTKD

Buka said:


> Question - What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
> 
> Answer - Screwed



what's with all the big words and physics style loading of sentences ?


----------



## Transk53

Buka said:


> Question - What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
> 
> Answer - Screwed



The Big Bang Theory


----------



## donald1

Why can't bees drive cars,  because they always drive with a buzz 

What is a dogs favorite part of the tree,  the bark 

I just bought a new pet cat today! It's purrfect


----------



## Touch Of Death

What do you call an addict that doesn't share the needle?

A health nut.


----------



## elder999

donnaTKD said:


> what do dogs and rabbits have in common ?
> 
> they both inhabit a kennel............
> 
> (i'll exit stage left i think...........donna's left the room.............  )



They're both delicious!!!


----------



## Touch Of Death

So a liar, thief, beggar, philanderer, rapist, and a minister of the lord walks into a bar.  And that was just the first guy.


----------



## Touch Of Death

So these two cows are talking and one says to the other, "Aren't you afraid of getting that Mad Cow disease?"
The other cow replied, "No, why should I be? I am a chicken"


----------



## elder999

What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect? 

Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red. 

A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church, but the preacher says "Get out of here, you are a disgrace; you call yourself the &#8216;God particle' when there is only one true God!" The Higgs Boson replies "Well if I am not here, how can you have mass?" 

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'. After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'. Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.' After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'


----------



## Touch Of Death

Some older women are simply hot cougars, but some older women are just Mellencamp.


----------



## Touch Of Death

What did the potato chip say to the battery? ... I'm Frito-Lay if you are Ever-Ready.


----------



## Touch Of Death

Russia was supposed to vacate East Berlin after the 2nd world war but they were Stalin.


----------



## Touch Of Death

elder999 said:


> What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
> 
> Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.
> 
> A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church, but the preacher says "Get out of here, you are a disgrace; you call yourself the &#8216;God particle' when there is only one true God!" The Higgs Boson replies "Well if I am not here, how can you have mass?"
> 
> A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'. After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'. Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.' After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'


So a bum finds a lamp on the beach in California, he rubs it and a Genie offers him just one wish. The bum says I would like you to build a highway to Hawaii. The Genie explains that that is a mighty tall order, and maybe he could choose something more personal. "I want you to make me understand women!" exclaimed the bum. "Now is that a one lane or two way highway?" asked the Genie.


----------



## Touch Of Death

So a group of women asked some Indians at a bus stop. "What tribe are you?"
"We are Navajo" the Indians said proudly, "What tribe are you?"
The women thought for a minute, and answered back, "We are Dallas hoes!"


----------



## donald1

A lady buys two parrots and they talk but all they say is "were hoes" the lady talks to a priest to explain the situation and he doesn't like what he hears.  But he talks about his parrots they are devout birds they can teach the other parrots to praise the Lord,  so the next day she brings her parrots to the priests house and her parrots still say "were hoes".  One of the devout parrots looks at the other next to him and says put down the Bible our prayers have been answered


----------



## Touch Of Death

A man runs into a dry cleaners and says to the lady behind the counter, "I have a meeting today! I need this suit dry cleaned lickety split! The woman became insensed, and said, "You can come back in one hour, but you NO LICKETY SPLIT!"


----------



## Touch Of Death

So a man visits a cannibal restaurant, and asks the chef, "Why are the clowns so cheap, and why are hippies the most expensive thing on the menu? "Well" said the chef, "Everyone agrees the clowns taste kind of funny, and hippies... Have you ever tried to clean one of those things"


----------



## Touch Of Death

A Therapists asks and old couple if the have ever had mutual orgasms. They both looked at each other and said, "No... we had StateFarm."


----------



## donald1

I remember seeing this on Facebook husband comes home from a long day of work and sees his wife 

Husband: since I'm the man of the house while I'm at work you can cook dinner and I come home to dinner, after you can run me a bath and tomorrow can you guess who will dress me?
Wife: the funeral director 

What Is a snakes favorite class,  hissstory 

I went to a new dentist nut he refers to all his clients as plaintiffs 

I also went to the dollar store and bought a dollar candy bar the man said if I pay two dollars i get the second candy bar half price,  obviously I bought two who would pass that good of a deal up.


----------



## Steve

What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?

A canoe tips.  



What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Felipe Felope


----------



## donald1

Have you ever seen a goat get on a bus?  They always sit in the baaaaack 

Horses live next door,  I call them naybors 

Did you see that chicken walk it the store,  it was carrying ten boks


----------



## Buka

donnaTKD said:


> should've been right handed dog   shows you don't train pugulism



The only right handed fighter I know who boxed southpaw was Hagler. I never saw his dog box, though.


----------



## OnlyAnEgg

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
HIPAA!
HIPAA who?
I can't tell you that.


----------



## OnlyAnEgg

A ham and cheese sandwich goes into a bar and says, 'Gimme a whiskey and soda'.
The bartender says, 'I'm sorry, sir.  We don't serve food here'.


----------



## terryl965

well this is an interesting thread


----------



## OnlyAnEgg

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'What is this; some kind of joke?'


----------



## donald1

Me and my friend was telling jokes and he said a funny one I thought I'd share this one first
Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.

I shot my first turkey today,  it scared everyone in the freezer isle 

Roses are red
This part is true 
Violets are purple 
Not _______ blue!


----------



## Buka

An Amsih father and son were in a mall for the first time. They were amazed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.







The son asks, "What is this, father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responds, "I've never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know, son."

While the father and son look at it in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moves up to the silver walls, presses a button. The walls open, the lady rolls between the men and goes into the small room. The walls close and the son and his father watch the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.






They continue to watch as it reaches the top number....and then the numbers begin to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls open up again and a good looking 24 year old blond steps out.






The father, not taking his eyes off the blond as she walks away, says quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."


----------



## donald1

My car is 16 years old and drives about as good as a 16 year old 

After a long day the husband and wife are sitting and they start talking 
Wife: i think I'm fat,  can you give me a complement
Husband: you got great eye sight

There was this really bad bar in the downtown area they say someone gets stabbed every 42 seconds,  poor guy


----------



## donald1

A father of three kids a 17, 16, and a 14 year old teenagers.  The three kids are very talkative and always talk and ask questions,  for a week they all constantly ask their father for something they can do together.  One day the father finds a martial arts club.  And when they got there they signed up and one of the kids notice a sign and it said "shut up and train"


----------



## Touch Of Death

This is a visual so bear with me: You open up with what ever Karate/TKD opening you know and announce that you are performing WAX ON & WAX OFF, then you get into a fighting stance and start scrubbing your center line with big circles (This should look pretty cool so they won't know it's a joke yet), then you suddenly start scrubbing faster and faster with tighter and tighter circles, until finally you lick your finger and start scratching on the center line like you are picking dried food off of a plate.  It always gets a laugh.


----------



## donald1

EI went going to a party and brought hamburgers but some of the people got mad and said it was against their religion ...  Next time I won't make that mistake...  I'll bring steak instead.) 

I tried being a doctor once,  I had 3 patients 

The first patient had a weird arm,  it wouldn't bend!  So I gave him a couple of dumbbells and told him to go home,  lift weights everything will be fine 

Then another patient walked in,  this was the third patient,  not the second he kept complaining  about a concussion,  so I told him go back to the hall way get some rest and I'll get back to him soon 

So the second patient is brought in on a stretcher and hees in bad shape I couldn't understand him because he kept making gurgling noises but I'm pretty sure it sounded like "im fine doctor,  you can go home" and you know what.. The customer is always right


----------



## donald1

http://img-9gag-lol.9cache.com/photo/6818087_460s.jpg

It's not a corny joke but it's funny as them


----------



## Touch Of Death

Chicken Strips!... because she never knew her father.


----------



## Touch Of Death

I just mixed I Can't Believe It's Not Butter with my regular butter; now, I don't know what to believe?


----------



## donald1

Today I was at work,  working so hard,  the manager even came by to say I was hardly working 

When I was a kid they had a lot of pirate movies but I could never watch them cause they were rated argh 

Did you see that dog in the mailbox?  Neither did the mailman... 

Why was there a monkey in the mail box?  Monkey see monkey do 

Why did the chicken cross the street?  To see the dog in the mailbox 

How does curiosity kill the cat?  Opening a mailbox 

I'm not shore which mailbox the dog was in but I stood by the ocean so I could get a better view to sea from


----------



## skribs

I was out of town, and it was late, and I needed to unwind.  I found a bar near my hotel to grab a drink and watch the game.  When I first walked in the bar, I noticed there were a lot of guys around, but I didn't think much of it.  A few minutes later I realized I was at a gay bar.  But, nobody was bothering me, I already had my beer, and it was a good game on TV, so I decided to stay.  Then, around 2:45 in the morning, a whole bunch of guys came up and started hitting on me.  That's when I realized:  I'm the ugly chick at the gay bar.

---

They say "friends don't let friends drink and drive".  But they don't say what to do about your enemies.  I was at a party, and there was this guy who was always a real jerk to me, getting ready to go home.  I said "hey," and he goes "what do you want, losher?"

I said "I bet you can't make it home in 5 minutes or less!"

---

Does it scare anyone else that it's easier for 2 people to make a human being than it is for them to put together furniture from Ikea?  I've never woken up after blacking out to find a new TV stand in my living room!

---

A little piggie walks into a bar, orders a drink of water, drinks it, goes to the bathroom and leaves.
A second little piggie does the same thing; gets a glass of water, drinks it, goes to the bathroom, and leaves.
A third and fourth follow suit.
A fifth little piggie walks into the bar, orders a drink of water, drinks it, and gets up to leave.
The bartender asks "aren't you going to go to the bathroom first?"
The fifth piggies says "no, I'm the little piggie that goes wee wee all the way home!"

---

An airman, a sailor, and a marine are at a joint exercise, and all go in to the bathroom at the same time.  
When they're done, the airman makes a huge show about washing his hands thoroughly, and says "after dropping a lot of chemical bombs, the airforce learned how important good hygiene is."  
The sailor washes his hands using as little water as possible, and says "in the Navy, we understand what a precious resource water is, so we try not to waste water."
The marine doesn't wash his hands at all, and says "in the Corps, we just don't pee on our hands."

---

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a ship's helm on the front of his pants.  The bartender asks "do you know you've got a steering wheel coming out your fly?"
"Ar," the pirate says, "it's driving me nuts!"

---

How do you make an octopus laugh?  Give it ten tickles.

How did the spies pass inspection?  Because they got information.

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A centipede with athlete's foot.


----------



## skribs

Found these online:

What concert costs only 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback.

What is Forrest Gump&#8217;s password?
1FOREST1

If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit.
They&#8217;re usually around 90 degrees.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a registered six offender.

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches to light them.  What do they do?
Throw one cigarette overboard and now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.

My best friend has the heart of a lion,
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?
Christian Bail

I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It&#8217;s just something I could see myself doing.


----------



## donald1

What. Kind of cologne do woodsmen wear?  Axe

What did the woodsman say to his neighbor?  Can I ax you a question 

Why did the woodsman cross the street?  To axercise 

Why was the woodsman late for work?  He had an axident 

Did the woodsman cause the axident?  No,  axually it was the other person


----------



## Touch Of Death

donald1 said:


> What. Kind of cologne do woodsmen wear?  Axe
> 
> What did the woodsman say to his neighbor?  Can I ax you a question
> 
> Why did the woodsman cross the street?  To axercise
> 
> Why was the woodsman late for work?  He had an axident
> 
> Did the woodsman cause the axident?  No,  axually it was the other person


Lizzie Borden asked her father if she could go to a slumber party. Her dad scratched his head, and said, "I don't know; why don't you go axe your mother?"


----------



## Touch Of Death

A man says to his friend, "I really messed up! I made a Freudian slip." 
"Oh, what did you accidently say?", asked his concerned friend.
"Well, last night, I meant to ask my wife if she would pass the salt, but what I actually said was, You ruined my life you crazy *****!"


----------



## Buka

*Ten adult truths -*

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
 2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
 3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
 4. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
5.I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
 6. Bad decisions make really good stories.
 7. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
8. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or give a God damn about what they're trying to say_._ 
9. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket or finding their cell phone,  but I'd bet everyone here can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time.

Lastly-
I was in a Starbucks when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.  The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a whole song I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod... with headphones. But at least two guys named the song.


----------



## donald1

I'm always productive,  making rash decisions always help,  when you do good,  good for you,  when you mess up you learn not to do that 
Especially in class where your instructor(the one known for making people do pushups) when he/she in earshot or view and definitely don't make eye contact when you do something stupid,  cause then you just better hope he/she isn't holding a stick :lfao:


----------



## Buka

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure, and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, to live without fear and regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as  though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be  confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.
 
No wait... Sorry. I'm thinking of vodka. It's vodka that does all that crap. Never mind


----------



## donald1

Doctor: "Liquor is a slow poison for you.
" Patient: "It&#8217;s all-right. I&#8217;m not in a hurry."

Officer:  (talking on walkie talkie) reporting in a 314 and a 390 
The man dosnt see the cop so he keeps walking down the sidewalk curb 
Officer: im going to have to place you under arrest for public intoxicated 
The man sits there looks at the man and gives him and says thankyou sir I thought I was crippled 

Why was the witch arrested for?  Hexing and driving


----------



## elder999

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer 
asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 

"He's a funeral director," she answered. 

"Interesting," the newsman thought. 

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now- in her 80's - a funeral director. 

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers


She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."


----------



## seasoned

elder999 said:


> The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer
> asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
> 
> "He's a funeral director," she answered.
> 
> "Interesting," the newsman thought.
> 
> He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now- in her 80's - a funeral director.
> 
> The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers
> 
> 
> She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."



:rofl:


----------



## donnaTKD

elder999 said:


> The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer
> asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
> 
> "He's a funeral director," she answered.
> 
> "Interesting," the newsman thought.
> 
> He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now- in her 80's - a funeral director.
> 
> The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers
> 
> 
> She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."



ROTFLPMSL

:lfao:


----------



## Touch Of Death

The worst part of spanking a kid in Walmart is when you have no idea who's kid it is.


----------



## donnaTKD

Touch Of Death said:


> The worst part of spanking a kid in Walmart is when you have no idea who's kid it is.



:lfao:

ROTFLPMSL -- face slap


----------



## donald1

I've been in love with this lady for 50 years,  would be a shame if my wife found out... 

All of my credit cards were stolen by a thief,  and I would have reported them stolen but i realize the thief spends less than my wife 

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler,  eventually the rottweiler is going to let go

The doctor gave me six months to live,  but I couldn't pay the hospital bill so he gave six more 

The man walked out and got hit by a car,  the driver got out and asked if he was okay,  and the man said as long as my attorney is still working I'm doing better than good


----------



## seasoned

donald1 said:


> I've been in love with this lady for 50 years,  would be a shame if my wife found out...
> 
> All of my credit cards were stolen by a thief,  and I would have reported them stolen but i realize the thief spends less than my wife
> 
> What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler,  eventually the rottweiler is going to let go
> 
> The doctor gave me six months to live,  but I couldn't pay the hospital bill so he gave six more
> 
> The man walked out and got hit by a car,  the driver got out and asked if he was okay,  and the man said as long as my attorney is still working I'm doing better than good




:lfao:


----------



## Touch Of Death

When I die, I want my tombstone to read, "Yeah, but you should see the other guy."


----------



## Touch Of Death

I just found out that being sick of Obama is not covered by Obama Care.


----------



## Touch Of Death

What did the Atheist put on his tombstone?, "All Dressed Up But No Place To Go"


----------



## donald1

Speaking about tombstones that would be funny if one said. "you can't see me! "


----------



## Buka




----------



## donald1

Buka said:


>



:lool:


----------



## Touch Of Death

In my efforts to have a good time, I have found that game hens really aren't that fun.


----------



## seasoned

How do you make holy water?




Boil the hell out of it.......


----------



## donald1

If students wrote the bible then it would have instead look like this 
Where God created the world in six days and rested the seventh.  The students would have held off the first six days and pulled off a all nighter the seventh 

When Cain killed Abel they would write because there roommates 

And when moses and the followers wondered for 40 years?  The students would write because they didn't want to ask for directions and seem like freshman


----------



## Touch Of Death

When someone says, "Knock Knock" to Chuck Norris, he just says, "Come in"; because, it doesn't matter who is there.


----------



## Buka

Speeding his tricked out muscle car into a sweeping country turn, crew  cut, steely eyed Joe saw a pink mini-van coming the other way. The woman  driving leaned out the window and yelled "Pig!"

He looked at her and screamed back, "Cow!

That's when he hit the pig.


----------



## donald1

I like the beach and so I brought some friends,  I'm shore they will help a good time.  I like making sandcastle but that's beachside the point.  Maybe go sea a couple sites while up there.  The sites are not as good as last year but oh whale we will still have fun 

Neighbors: the only people that listen to both sides of the story 

Love thy neighbor as yourself but choose your neighborhood 

Nothing is more tolerant of a neighbors loud parties than being there


----------



## donald1

Touch Of Death said:


> When someone says, "Knock Knock" to Chuck Norris, he just says, "Come in"; because, it doesn't matter who is there.



What about Bruce lee?


----------



## Touch Of Death

donald1 said:


> What about Bruce lee?


He was bought off, Chuck would have won that fight if he knew that Bruce was mad enough to kill him.


----------



## PhotonGuy

Here is what some people might call a bad joke. 

A Czechoslovakian and an American are out camping. Two bears come and gobble them both up. When they don't come back hunters go out to look for them. The hunters find the bears and shoot them. They cut open the female bear and out pops the american guy. They then say, "Well, the czech must be in the male," get it? The check is in the mail! 

Go ahead and tell me this is a dumb joke. I think its a bit dumb myself but Im not the person who made it up.


----------



## yak sao

2 guys are out backpacking through the woods.
They see a bear just down the trail, the bear spots them and starts walking towards them.
One guy drops his pack and quickly changes into a pair of tennis shoes that he had hanging outside of his backpack.

The other guy says" Are you crazy?...you'll never outrun that bear!"

The guy with the tennis shoes replies, " I don't have to outrun the bear...I only have to outrun you"


----------



## Cirdan

I am reading this great book on anti-gravity. I can`t put it down.


----------



## donald1

A man was walking through the woods (don't know if he was religious other not but assuming the answer is no)  but regardless,  for whatever reason he just doesn't believe in god.  Now this man is walking in the woods sees a full grown grizzly bear standing up looking down at him.  This man is completely scared. and he hears a voice and it's god.  He tells the man do you believe in me now?  Do you wish to believe in me now?  And the man said NO!  but said he wishes the bear was religious...  Moments later the bear falls down and it is on its knees and the bear holds up its front paws and says...  Thank you lord for the meal prepared,  amen


----------



## donald1

donald1 said:


> A man was walking through the woods (don't know if he was religious other not but assuming the answer is no)  but regardless,  for whatever reason he just doesn't believe in god.  Now this man is walking in the woods sees a full grown grizzly bear standing up looking down at him.  This man is completely scared. and he hears a voice and it's god.  He tells the man do you believe in me now?  Do you wish to believe in me now?  And the man said NO!  but said he wishes the bear was religious...  Moments later the bear falls down and it is on its knees and the bear holds up its front paws and says...  Thank you lord for the meal prepared,  amen



Alternate ending... 

Man walks in woods, bear comes,  hees scared,  God comes.  But this time he wants to live and he says yes so hees religious he is down on one knee and praying and stands back up and the bear puts one paw on his shoulder and whispers in his ear...  Good luck in the afterlife


----------



## donald1

Went to hang out with my friend jack 
Then went to my therapist Jose 
Later that week went to clinic to visit dr. Jim


----------



## donald1

These two people are driving down the highway and they are both in a hurry 
Passenger: go faster 
Driver: were going the speed limit 
Passenger: and i said faster,  come on 
Driver: are there any cops out? 
Passenger: (looks)  no 
Afterwards they hear a siren 
Driver: i thought you said there was no police 
Passenger: its okay his car didn't say police,  just state trooper


----------



## Buka

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.  They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a steel bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

 While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

 The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house, I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket....carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.  On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

 The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

 The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

 The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."


----------



## donald1

Mozart made so much music and if he was smart he would have put it on iTunes as soon as he finished and fired his publishers immediately 
And what's with all the songs written by hand??...  Would have been easier to print it from his computer 
He made some bad decisions for sure 

I can't stand Beethoven his music sounds sad and unhappy but Vivaldi i can Handel

Did you hear about the new movie featuring the terminator,  in this one the terminator gets a job as an actor in a movie based on classical music.  At the auditions for William sebastion ,  the terminator said I'll be Bach


----------



## K-man

*Senior trying to set a password:*


WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:


USER: &#8220;cabbage&#8221;


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.


USER: &#8220;boiled cabbage&#8221;


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.


USER: &#8220;1 boiled cabbage&#8221;


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.


USER: &#8220;50bloodyboiledcabbages&#8221;


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.


USER: &#8220;50BLOODYboiledcabbages&#8221;


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.


USER: &#8220;50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!&#8221;


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.


USER: &#8220;YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow&#8221;


WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.


----------



## yak sao

Man walks in to the doctor

"*Doc, you've got to help me, it's my wife*"

"_ What's wrong with her_?"

*"She thinks she's a washing machine"

*_"How's that a problem?"

_*"She's stuck on agitate!"*


----------



## elder999

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops.

Cop says, "I have to search your trunk."

Opens the trunk, finds a dead cat in there; says , "Hey, this cat's dead."

Schrodinger says, "Well, yeah, it is *now.*"
:lfao:


----------



## PhotonGuy

Three boys get in trouble in the zoo. They are caught by security and brought before the zookeeper. The zookeeper says, "Alright boys, I want each of you to tell me your name and tell me what you did that got you in trouble."

The first boy speaks, he says, "My name is Mike and I threw peanuts into the bear cage."

The second boy speaks, he says, "My name is Tom and I threw peanuts into the bear cage."

The third boy begins to speak, he says, "My name is Peanuts..."


----------



## Buka

That's Hillary in the middle.


----------



## yak sao

A 4 year old boy and his 3 year old brother were playing out in the yard.
The older brother says, " I think it's time we started cussin'. When we go in for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ***.
The younger brother nods his head in agreement.

So their mom calls them in and they sit at the table. She asks them what they would like for breakfast.

The 4 year old says. "ah hell mom, just give me Cheerios"

The mom gasps and smacks him out of the chair. The boy runs upstairs with his mom right behind him. You can hear the boy being spanked and crying all the way down into the kitchen.

The mom returns after a couple of minutes and glares at the 3 year old..."and what do you want for breakfast?

The 3 year old says, " well you can bet your *** it ain't Cheerios!"


----------



## Touch Of Death

Buka said:


> That's Hillary in the middle.


I love Hillary's treason?


----------



## Touch Of Death

Buka said:


> That's Hillary in the middle.


You love Hillary and Bush's Son? Did they Date?


----------



## Buka

"I love country music."


----------



## Touch Of Death

Buka said:


> "I love country music."


It would be better if it said, "You can take Salem out of the country, but you can't take the country out of Salem".


----------



## Buka




----------



## yak sao

Buka said:


>




What??? I didn't see anything...just lovely Arab countryside


----------



## donald1

Buka said:


>



[video=youtube_share;yC4B8fNzuQI]http://youtu.be/yC4B8fNzuQI[/video]


----------



## donald1

Do you see that ninja comedian...  He was telling some sword of joke to the audience 

Why do nobody like noisy peppers,  cause they will get jalapeño business


----------



## donald1

At a karate seminar one of the students was talking about a water fountain he found.  And he asked what kind of water fountain is it?  And the instructor looked at him puzzled and replied...  That's a bidet


----------



## Zero

What do you call a pig who does karate?

Pork Chop


----------



## Zero

A blind man goes into a ladies bar*,* sits at the bar and turns to the woman next to him and says, "You want to hear a blonde joke?"

The woman replies, "As you are blind I feel it only fair to warn you, I'm blonde and a karate champion, my two friends are blonde and judo champions and the barmaid is blonde. Now do you really want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a moment ... "No, I don't want to have to explain it four times."


----------



## Zero

I'm surprised none of the old Chuck Norris jokes have come up, oh wait, sorry, there is no such thing as a Chuck Norris joke...


----------



## Zero

And yes, I just got Chuck Norris round-housed


----------



## donald1

the only drinking game i participate in is the pacman one. you drink everything in sight as fast as you can before anyone catches you

love may be blind but marriage is definatly an eye opener

you know what would be funny... imagine what a pack of pugs would look like in tge wild


----------



## Zero

donald1 said:


> you know what would be funny... imagine what a pack of pugs would look like in tge wild


Those things can be dangerous in packs


----------



## Elbowgrease

pugnacious...


----------



## yak sao

Zero said:


> Those things can be dangerous in packs



as small as they are you think they'd at least come in a 6 pack


----------



## donald1

yak sao said:


> as small as they are you think they'd at least come in a 6 pack


they dont need to one will go low another will go high and the other will get you when your down
and you never know if there are more... just hiding... waiting till you drop your guard


----------



## Buka

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I've poked in a long time."


----------



## K-man

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back.

'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy.  'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy.

'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy. 'Ah, all right then, it's ducks', announced Murphy.

'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy.  'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'

'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly.


----------



## yak sao

Paddy and Murphy had been at the pub all night drinking pretty hard.
The guys were both hungry, but neither had any money left.
Paddy said "Let's go catch a fish", to which Murphy replied, "but we ain't got a pole or bait".
Paddy said " we don't need 'em...I know of a bridge close to here that goes across the creek and the fish are so thick in there you can just reach right over the rail and grab one!"
Murphy thought that was a great idea so the two staggered out the door and down the road in search of the bridge.

"This is it" Paddy proclaimed..."here's the bridge, just reach over the rail and grab a fish"

Murphy bent over the rail..." I can't reach the water...grab me ankles and lower me down"
So Paddy grabbed Murphy's ankles and lowered him down.

"You gotta fish yet??? Paddy yelled out.

"Not yet " came the reply from down below.
This went on for a while until finally Murphy screamed out" LET ME UP, LET ME UP!!!"

Paddy was excited...." you gotta fish????"

Murphy screamed..." NO A TRAIN"S COMIN"


----------



## donald1

what nationality is santa?
north polish

what do you call a troublemaker who dosnt beleive in santa
a rebel without claus

why is santa always jolly?
cause he knows where all the naughty ladys live

four stages if christmas
1. believe in santa
2. dont believe in santa
3. dress like santa
4. look like santa


----------



## Elbowgrease

How to wash a cat:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can. Quickly lift the lid. 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the house and out the front door where it will dry itself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely yours,
The dog.


----------



## donald1




----------



## Buka




----------



## Buka

_
Walk with me by the water, worth the read... _

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
	

	
	
		
		

		
			




*
Crap...I forgot the words....*


----------



## yak sao

You are being attacked by a group of clowns...what do you do???

Go for the juggler!


----------



## Buka




----------



## Buka

Kiss Cam at Chicago Bulls game. (watch to the end!)

2015 01 03 Chicago Bulls Kiss Cam Barbershop Hashimoto - Safeshare.TV


----------



## Elbowgrease

Kenny G walks into an elevator and says "Man this place is happening!"


----------



## Buka

_Dear Abby, 

I've been married to my husband since college, but he is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. 

Also, since he lost his job fourteen years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. 

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. 
What should I do? 

Signed: Clueless _


Dear Clueless:

For crying out loud grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman, think about it. You're running for President of the United States. You don't need him anymore.


----------



## donald1

Last week I was so excited to be joining a ninja club! Swinging nunchuks like bruce lee and round house kicking bad guys like chuck norris (my 2 favorite ninjas afcoarse)
A couple days ago one of my friends their asked me if I wanted to help him share the clubs secrets with the community. I still havnt heard from him since... its like he disappeared completely.
When I went to my first ninja convention I was somewhat disappointed because I didnt see not even one person show up.
Just recently I was told I was to attend mandatory jury duty. I told them I would go to jury duty dressed as a ninja so I could stay at home and watch tv


----------



## elder999

Rene Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "You wanna beer?"
To which Descartes replies, "I think not."
and vanishes.


----------



## donald1

How to prepar tofu:
STEP #1: throw it in the trash
STEP #2: grill some meat

I hate when you sincerly give someone s complement on their mustache and all a sudden shes not your friend any more

Sometimes I like to take my married friends cell phone, change my contact name to "katie from the bar" then call him several times 3am and hang up 

The other day I saw a redneck driving home when he pulls up to  red night and he sees this young teen texting. The man was so mad he threw his half a can of beer at her.


----------



## pgsmith

Those were even funnier due to the fact that the spelling looks like you were drinking heavily when you wrote them down.


----------



## donald1

I just now realized some of the words misspelled (I blame the cell phone) but atleast its not this bad:


----------



## Buka




----------



## donald1

Q. You find yourself on a horse riding full speed next to a zebra and a lion is chasing you, what should you do?
A. Get your drunk ___ off the carousel


----------



## Buka




----------



## donald1

Im so smart I could be a super doctor ya know the other day

I helped 3 people in one day!

There was this old lady complaining about her back and about 20 minutes later I noticed something wrong with her hand... there was a stick in it... I threw it over the bridge.she was so happy she smile and yelled "my cane"  out of respect I only charged her $20

I also saw this young boy sitting in the dentists office I could tell his mouth was sore. He said he got 3 of his teeth filled and one removed. As  doctor I noticed he had paper in his mouth. I told him to spit that out and to enjoy this snickers candy bar instead. I only charged his mom $50

Naturally like all doctors I go to the hospital where all doctors go when they want to enjoy a beer or stand around a bonfire or watch sunday night football. I saw a young teenage boy sitting there waiting to get a flu shot and I sat there for 45 minutes telling him the danger of not getting a flu shot (I mean I really put the fear of god in this kid, he really wants to get that flu shot!!) But like all doctors I help because I must not because I can but since I need to.


----------



## donald1

I signed my son up for karate a month ago but he has not yet waxed the car

My neighbor complains his son wets the bed so when his son's birthday came I bought him an electric blanket


----------



## skribs

My neighbor came knocking on my door at 3:00 AM this morning!  Can you believe it?  Luckily I was still awake playing drums.


----------



## donald1

Texting for senior citizens
ATD- at the door.
BFF- best friend fell.
BTW-  bring the wheelchair.
BYOT-  bring your own teeth.
FWIW-  forgot where i was.
GGPBL-  gotta go pacemaker battery low.
GHA-  got heartburn again.
LMDO-  laughing my dentures out.
OMMR-  on my message recliner.
OMSG-  oh my! sorry gas.
ROGLACGU-  rolling on floor and cant get up.
TTYL-  talj to you louder.


----------



## donald1

Officer: why were you speeding?
Me: im trying to keep up with traffic
Officer: there is no traffic.
Me: I know! Thats how far behind I am

The other day i called shotgun but the cops still made me sit in the back...


----------



## Buka

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”
The deadly chase was recorded.
*Click here.....*


----------



## donald1

Marriage is like a grenade
Take off the ring and, boom! The  house is gone


----------



## elder999

donald1 said:


> Marriage is like a grenade
> Take off the ring and, boom! The  house is gone


Nope.

Marriage is like a three ring circus.

First comes the engagement ring........

then comes the wedding ring...............

then comes the _suffe*ring*_!


----------



## Buka

Packing boxes to move, I found this old pic. Figured I'd post it here. It's Ed Parker and my old coach, Chuck Merriman. I forget the two guys in the middle.

I had just told them a couple of politically incorrect, corny Martial Arts jokes. My wife snapped the pic.


----------



## Buka

Yes, I know this is wrong, but what can I say?  I watch every kind of fight ever presented. To me, it's kind of like porn for a fight fan.

And make sure you watch long enough for the single leg takedown. It actually speaks volumes.

Apologies in advance.

Fat Guys Can't Fight For Long


----------



## Buka

In case you missed it...


----------



## Buka

We had these in ninth grade. But we were in the ninth grade.
Nothing like a good dope slap, though.


----------



## wingchun100

You can't have everything.

Where would you put it?


----------



## ShortBridge

This guy tried to kill a cockroach with Axe Body Spray. Now he goes by "Brandon" and won't shut up about Cross Fit.


----------



## Buka

Didn't know where to put this, certainly not here. But this guy is just awesome, wanted to share it. 
Talk about a relaxed sense of balance.


----------



## Buka




----------



## Buka

This kid gets it. Run from the gals. Good defense, too. And so cute.


----------



## yak sao

I can swallow a rope and it comes out from the other end tied...........I sh!t you knot.


----------



## Brmty2002

What do you call a snake approx., 3.14 Metres long?  A π thon!


----------



## Brmty2002

donald1 said:


> Definitions:
> Dan: Someone that black belt level
> Darn: The sound uttered by the black belt realizes the instructor will now strike harder and more often
> Damn: The sound uttered by the black belt's partner, it's his turn now!
> 
> Best 5 inventions in probably the world...
> 5.  ABC gum,  takes the boring part out of the equation and if you're lucky there might be some flavor left
> 4.  Nailed boards,  they already have nails thus the hard work is already done
> 3.  Water-proof towel, now you never have a wet towel
> 2.  Peddle powered wheel chair,  it's definitely better than your average wheel chair...
> 1. windows for a submarine,  now everyone can look outside and if you want you can even touch the fish (just open it)


I have another invention!

The Ejection seat for a Helicopter!!


----------



## Anarax

Does this count


----------



## Buka

I know it's not technically corny, but it is funny in my opinion. It's why kids shouldn't mess with grown men. We used to call it "rag dolling." Out here they call it "Whap, splat, li'dat"
By either name it's beautiful.

Barstool Sports


----------



## skribs

I told my office mate about a band I was listening to, but their name is really hard to pronounce.  I tried my best "ackdk."
He asked me to spell it.  "A C - D C."

He kicked me out of the office.


----------



## yak sao

An old man walking down the street sees a little boy about 5 years old sitting on the curb. The little boy is surrounded by empty candy wrappers and has a handful of chocolate that he's enjoying.
The old man says "little boy, you know that eating all that candy isn't good for you?"

The little boy looks up at the old man, face covered in chocolate and responds, " my pawpaw lived to be 93 years old".

The man said " oh, did he eat a lot of candy?"

The little boy said " no, he minded his own f^%&*#   business"


----------



## skribs

The other day, I hit one of my students because he wasn't listening.

I said "duck."

(it was a foam blocker, don't worry)


----------



## skribs

(These are true stories of some corny jokes I had yesterday)

I've recently started learning guitar, and just started writing my first song.  I had a small little riff, and my guitar teacher helped me with a chord progression that would work with it.  He said the riff is the "A section" of my song, and the chords are the "B section" sort of a call-and-response.  I ended up writing a pretty long song and brought it back.  He said "well you have an A section, and a B section, which you've done really well with and made like a B1, a B2, and a B3, but you really need a C section to bring this home, and then you'll have a song!"
*
I said, "so I need a C-section to give birth to my song?"
*
I also wasn't really sure what genre my song is.  I just kind of wrote what sounded good and ended up with a song.  So I asked him what genre it sounds like and he said _"Progressive Rock."

I said, "but I'm a conservative."_


----------



## donald1

So a cop pulls ovet this guy and he asks him 
Cop: are you high?
Driver hello, am I what?
Cop: high
Driver: hello


----------



## Gerry Seymour

donald1 said:


> So a cop pulls ovet this guy and he asks him
> Cop: are you high?
> Driver hello, am I what?
> Cop: high
> Driver: hello


That is such a "dad joke"!


----------



## donald1

gpseymour said:


> That is such a "dad joke"!


I always thought of dad jokes went a little something like...

Child: I'm hungry!
Dad: nice to meet you hungry! I'm dad!

Child: dad can I ask you a question?
Dad: you just did.
Child: I meant another one! 
Dad: you did it again!

Child: hey Dad...
Dad: hay is for horses

Child: wait!
Dad: weight is what broke the bridge down!


----------



## Gerry Seymour

donald1 said:


> I always thought of dad jokes went a little something like...
> 
> Child: I'm hungry!
> Dad: nice to meet you hungry! I'm dad!
> 
> Child: dad can I ask you a question?
> Dad: you just did.
> Child: I meant another one!
> Dad: you did it again!
> 
> Child: hey Dad...
> Dad: hay is for horses
> 
> Child: wait!
> Dad: weight is what broke the bridge down!


Yes, those would also qualify. I'm glad to see you've a grasp of the concept.


----------



## skribs

donald1 said:


> I always thought of dad jokes went a little something like...
> 
> Child: I'm hungry!
> Dad: nice to meet you hungry! I'm dad!
> 
> Child: dad can I ask you a question?
> Dad: you just did.
> Child: I meant another one!
> Dad: you did it again!
> 
> Child: hey Dad...
> Dad: hay is for horses
> 
> Child: wait!
> Dad: weight is what broke the bridge down!



"I meant another one!" isn't a question.


----------

