# Help & Advice needed



## teej (Jan 20, 2005)

Will bothers and sisters of Kenpo, I need some guidance to help one of our own. She has contacted me for help and advice and I want to out source from our community before responding. Let me give you some back ground.

This woman is an adult Kenpo blk blt. She teaches a rather small group of students. She used to live for Kenpo. 

She is currently swamped at work. She recently underwent some surgery. Shortly before Thanksgiving, her mother, who lived with her family died. Her mother had a massive heart attack and died a week later. This caused her to go into a serious depression. She wasn't able to decorate for the holidays. (her home is usually one to visit for the holidays) She is still having to deal with claims as well as family concerning her mother's death.

She is asking me if I ever wanted to "just quit Kenpo"? She says "she is just so tired lately". She says she can't even force herself to practice. She explains that she has lost so much in her life and she doesn't feel her art is where it used to be. She can't get herself to go for her own lessons. (she has to drive several hrs. for her own lessons) She says, "I am lost now and cannot seem to find my way back". She admits she has been in a large depression for several months, but is starting to feel better. 

I can try to advice counseling, but she will back away from that fast. She is asking for my suggestions. 

Please advice me. One of our own needs us.
Yours in Kenpo,
Teej


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## KenpoTess (Jan 20, 2005)

Teej,

Your friend has gone through some very stressful times, She has to give herself time to grieve for her Mother.  I wouldn't expect Anyone to 'feel like training' at such a time in life.  After I lost my parents..Nothing was the same.  Everyone grieves in their own way.. taking their own time to put things into perspective. 
I can understand her feeling of giving up.. it's normal.  I'm sure if her school were closer for her to get to would be helpful, in having a closer connection with her friends there.  
 Since that is an issue, How about telling her about the board and getting her involved at least in that way?

You're a good guy Teej, I'm glad she has a friend such as you.

:asian:

~Tess


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## Michael Billings (Jan 20, 2005)

She has experience what we all must at some point in our life, the loss of a loved one, and it is one of the biggest traumas we pass through.  In psycho-babble, her psychosocial stressors are extemely high.  She is definitly depressed, probably clinically (this does NOT mean she needs hospitalization).  It is common to withdraw, lose contact with what is important to us, feel extremely lethargic, etc.  She probably does need to see someone professionally, and I suggest you recommend it for your own peace of mind, if not for hers.  She may even need an antidepressant for a few months until she gets through the worst of this.  Friends are great, but often it feels like a burden to the person dealing with the loss, so they are more likely to withdraw.

 There are lots of groups for those who have lost a loved one, or individual counseling.  Many communities also have clergy that are actually licensed psychologist or therapist.  It is always easier if you give her a few names, this gambit has to do with the psychology of the familiar, and she may look at finding someone as even more effort, hence she is less likly to do it.  At that point you have done all you can.  You cannot assume the burden for her getting better, or her treatment, it would not be healthy for you, unless you are her partner or family member, and even then there are limits.  

 The Kenpo is always important.  A good workout can give you an endorphin boost, which is equivalent to the best antidepressant, it just does not last as long.  If you have an endorphin "up" recently, then it is easier to "remember" what it felt like when you are not depressed, and maybe, just maybe, move away or start getting through the pain and move toward activities that make you feel better.  It is hard to engage someone who is truely depressed, as this inertia is so great.  Be there for her, expect her to work out, and remember to tell her "she knows she is doing something good for herself" (taking care of herself), just by teaching a class, going to a lesson, or working out with you.  Reinforce she will at least feel better for a little while.

 This is tough, and it is not unusual at all, when a parent or child has died, for this profound depression to be pervasive.  Support her as you can and steer her where she allows.

 Disclaimer: Although I was a therapist for many years, you cannot diagnose or treat someone via internet.  So much depends on the individual themselves.  This is the same general advice I would give anyone who is going through a loss like this and it varies greatly from individual to individual.  See it as what it is, well intentioned advice -- not a therapist's "recommendation" or "counseling".

 -Michael


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## Atlanta-Kenpo (Jan 20, 2005)

I would agree with the other post as well.  She needs time to heel and time to recover.  Taking time away is a good thing for everyone I think.  It keeps you refreshed and happy.

It is always sad to heard of the difficulties that other members of our community are having.  I wish her the best as she is in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Gin-Gin (Jan 27, 2005)

Sorry to hear about your friend, Teej. :asian: When my grandmother died in 2002 it felt like I had lost my mother (she helped raise me, so we were *very* close--plus, when my parents divorced & none of us talked to each other for a couple of years, she basically WAS my mother).  I took a couple of days off to attend the funeral, & then made myself go to class (I packed my Kenpo stuff in my bag the night before & left it by the door so I couldn't make excuses not to go).  Although I agree with Kenpo Tess that everyone does need time to grieve in their own way, I also agree with Mr. Billings that "the Kenpo *is* important."  Someone once said that 'Fifty-percent of success is just showing up.' I think those words are very true. The workouts definitely helped me; not only because of the "endorphin boost" but because for an hour and a half, I didn't have to think about the pain & loss I was feeling - I just focused on the workout & the techniques/forms.   That hour and a half was a break that I needed very much, & along with writing in my journal & support from coworkers & friends, helped me get through the hardest part of the grieving process.  I still miss my "Nanny" to this day (she was from England & that's what we called her); holidays are still tough, but I make sure I go to class as often as possible to ward off the "holiday blues."  Also, I found that reading martial arts magazines helped (I would read an article in "Black Belt" & try one of the techniques in the air).  Perhaps you could suggest that she listen to a CD of her favorite & most uplifting music in the car on the way to/from class...  I don't know how she would react, but you could also mention the fact that she could just go for the workout & not worry about how her stuff looks.  

Just my two-cents.  Everyone handles situations differently.  I'll keep a good thought for your friend & please let us know how she's doing.  And yes, please tell her to try Martial Talk - I'm sure she'd enjoy our threads in the Ladies Locker Room.  We're here for her if she wants us!

Oss,
Gin-Gin :asian:


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## Kempogeek (Jan 27, 2005)

I believe I can relate. Last May my mom passed away from breast cancer and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Even though I kinda expected that she wouldn't get better, I kept hoping for the best. I was real close with my mom and think about her all the time. I was very fortunate to have a great school to go to for my training. It became my therapy. I took a week off and was anxious to get back. That's how much I enjoyed it. The one thing is that I never mentioned my mom's passing to anyone there. At the time it's hard for me to tell anyone. So I echo the advice from everyone here and hope that your friend will return to training. Good luck! Best regards, Steve


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## Bill Lear (Jan 28, 2005)

Dear Teej,

This last year was a tough one for my family as well. My mother-in-law (Ann Crowe, 55yrs old) died from Breast Cancer the day following Christmas. We spent the entire month of December in the Sandia Lovelace Hospice Unit at Albuquerque Regional Medical Center.

One of my instructor's once told me that I would leave Kenpo, before Kenpo ever left me. He was right. I've taken a couple of breaks away from practicing Kenpo in the past few years only to discover that Kenpo is a life style, not a workout. Once it becomes a part of you, it will always be there for you.

That being said, the most important thing in life is taking care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself you may find yourself incapable of taking care of everyone and everything that is important to you as a result. It is absolutely fine for her to take a break to mourn and recover. If she doesn't she may find herself resenting something she loves later on in life. 

I hope this helps.  :asian:


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## Greggers69 (Jan 29, 2005)

Hey Teej,

Sounds like your friend is like everyone says "sad and depressed"  Maybe right now you could be more of a friend and see if she needs help doing small tasks such as mowing lawns or going to the store for her.  Seems she's spread thin and it really got to her.  Make her and her family dinner as a token of apprectiation and not only think of kenpo but of life  as a whole.


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## teej (Jan 31, 2005)

Thank you all so much for taking the time. 

Greg, I agree with your suggestions, however; I do not live anywhere near her.

Mr. Lear gave an interesting perspective that made a lot of sense to me.I will pass this on as well. Thanks again to all.

Yours in Kenpo,
Teej


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