# Daddys Rules for Dating



## Drac (Nov 19, 2008)

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless 
  accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, 
  lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.


  NAME_____________________________________ 

DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

  Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
 Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
 If No, explain: 
  ____________________________________________________________
_
  ____________________________________________________________
_________

  Number of years they have been married ______________________________

  If less than your age, explain
  ____________________________________________________________
 ________

____________________________________________________________
________


  ACCESSORIES SECTION:

  A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

  B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

  C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

  D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

  E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

  F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
  pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

  (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
 AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)



  ESSAY SECTION:

  In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

 ____________________________________________________________
__

 ____________________________________________________________
__

  In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' 
mean to you?

____________________________________________________________
__

____________________________________________________________
__

 In a minimum of at least 50 words , what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

 ____________________________________________________________
__

____________________________________________________________
__


  REFERENCES SECTION:

  Church you attend ___________________________________________________

  How often you attend ________________________________________________

  When would be the best time to interview your:

  father? _____________

  mother? _____________

  pastor? _____________


  SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

 Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
  are confidential.

  A: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want shot would be:

____________________________________________________________
__

  B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________________________________________________________
__

  C: A woman's place is in the:

____________________________________________________________
__

  D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________________________________________________________
__

  E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

____________________________________________________________
__

____________________________________________________________
__

  F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____________________________________________________________
__

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

  I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
  THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
 NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
 Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


 _______________________________ ________________________________
 Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
 Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non- sexual.
 Please allow four to six years for processing.

 You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
 you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your  application is rejected, you will be
 notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. 
(you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



*Daddy's Rules for Dating*

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

*Rule One:*
 If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,because you're sure not picking anything up.

*Rule Two:
* You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so 
  long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

*Rule Three:
* I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to 
  wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off 
  their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of 
  your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open 
  minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to 
  the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, 
  and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes 
  do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my 
  daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers 
  securely in place to your waist.

*  Rule Four:*
 I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing > a 'Barrier method' of  some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when  it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

*Rule Five:
* It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each 
  other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the 
  day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is 
  an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my 
  house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

*Rule Six:
* I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to 
  date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,  onceyou have gone out with my little girl, you  will continue to date no one but her until she is   finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

*Rule Seven:
* As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, 
  and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to 
  be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is 
  putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting 
  the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't 
  you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

*Rule Eight:*
 The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: 
  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden 
  stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, 
  holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is 
  warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T- 
  shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down 
  parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or 
  sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are 
  okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

*Rule Nine:*
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle- 
aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am 
the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where 
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, 
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, 
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

* Rule Ten:
* Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the 
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice 
paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices 
in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to 
bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you 
should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the 
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my 
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no 
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine


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## MA-Caver (Nov 20, 2008)

I have a friend who has two daughters and he has two simple rules... 
Pick her up at 7 pm and have her back by 8:30 pm not 8:31 pm or even 8:30:02 seconds, and this is accompanied by the ratcheting sound of a 12 gauge being chambered. 

Simple. 

Oh and if she's back on time then a handshake will be allowed.


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## foggymorning162 (Nov 20, 2008)

A friend of mine has a little girl, she's only two now but he say's she's not allowed to date until she gets her master belt. Oh did I mention fed. rules say you have to be 25 to get your master belt:uhyeah:


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## Xue Sheng (Nov 20, 2008)

My daughters are notold enough to date but I am making a copy of that and keeping it for when they are old enough to date...which should be by the time they are 40.


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## BrandonLucas (Nov 20, 2008)

I'm printing a copy of this out as I'm typing this...I have identical twin girls on the way, so I'm going to need multiple copies....and multiple guns.


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## zDom (Nov 20, 2008)

My daughter (at about age 10) suggested that she wouldn't be interested in dating until she graduated from college. I agreed that it sounded like a grand plan and that I would be holding her to it 

I've also decided for anybody interested in dating my daughter that, in order to be eligible, we should get to know each other by his participation in a few weeks of hapkido class with me.


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## Xue Sheng (Nov 20, 2008)

zDom said:


> I've also decided for anybody interested in dating my daughter that, in order to be eligible, we should get to know each other by his participation in a few weeks of hapkido class with me.


 
I like this... I think I will have to tell them if they are interested in dating my daughters they will have to train Sanda with me for a few weeks...their the tree :EG:


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## zDom (Nov 20, 2008)

Xue Sheng said:


> I like this... I think I will have to tell them if they are interested in dating my daughters they will have to train Sanda with me for a few weeks...their the tree :EG:



:rofl:


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## grydth (Nov 20, 2008)

This is a wonderful document. It could be improved upon only by clarifying that the penalty for any infraction is death. When my daughters are allowed to date in 20 years, I will use it.

My ambition is to have the local high school boys sitting around the cafeteria, asking each other why it is that all the hottest looking girls have the most insane and violent fathers?


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## Brian R. VanCise (Nov 20, 2008)

Now mind you I think it is a brilliant document. :rofl:  However, I have only boy's so I feel that they should not be discriminated against like this. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





  Look back on your past dad's and understand that you need to lighten up and let the young ones..... *behave just like you did!* :erg:

Just kidding.  When the girls are dating age the nightmare begins!  Enjoy!


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## Brian R. VanCise (Nov 20, 2008)

I never said I did not have a mean streak Dad's! :rofl:


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## artFling (Nov 20, 2008)

Speaking as a dad whose daughter is fifteen, dating is a notion which needs to be buried.  Dating has been a complete and total failure in these United States of America and everywhere in the world I'm sure.  As Americans we need to be smart enough to figure out a better way for young people to get to know each other.  :shrug:


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## Andy Moynihan (Nov 20, 2008)

grydth said:


> This is a wonderful document. It could be improved upon only by clarifying that the penalty for any infraction is death. When my daughters are allowed to date in 20 years, I will use it.
> 
> My ambition is to have the local high school boys sitting around the cafeteria, asking each other why it is that all the hottest looking girls have the most insane and violent fathers?


 
I'm for that! 

I have no interest in children of my own but have helped out family members/friends as "Uncle Andy" from time to time.

Sounds like the perfect excuse to take the weapons out for fieldstripping/cleaning out on a bench in the driveway on date night! 

"Keep drivin', kid. You don't wanna stop here".


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## Drac (Nov 20, 2008)

Andy Moynihan said:


> I'm for that!
> 
> I have no interest in children of my own but have helped out family members/friends as "Uncle Andy" from time to time.
> 
> ...


 
We use to threaten my Niece with that..Then she became a Marine and that ended the empty threats from her Dad and I....LOL


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## MBuzzy (Nov 20, 2008)

I'm glad that I have a sword and a gun.  If we have a girl...I fully intend to make the perspective boyfriends cry!    hehe, well....maybe not, but I'll try.


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## foggymorning162 (Nov 21, 2008)

My son still thinks girls are gross but I think his opinion is changing fast. Have no fear though he'll be a good boy or I'll hurt him myself.


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## BlueDragon1981 (Nov 21, 2008)

Sounds about right. I tell my daughters they are not dating till they are 35. My 7 yr old said she had a boyfriend. Now I know it is just a kid thing but I told her that he has to come talk to me. She told him that and he didn't want to....lol. I already have them scared.


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## BrandonLucas (Nov 21, 2008)

BlueDragon1981 said:


> Sounds about right. I tell my daughters they are not dating till they are 35. My 7 yr old said she had a boyfriend. Now I know it is just a kid thing but I told her that he has to come talk to me. She told him that and he didn't want to....lol. I already have them scared.


 
Haha!!  That's awesome...put the fear in them while they're young.


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## thardey (Nov 21, 2008)

No exaggeration -- on my very first date, ever, (My parent's dropped me off, and it was a "group date") I walked in the door to meet her parents, and her dad was sharpening all of his knives and bow hunting broadheads.

I still remember the conversation:

"What's your name?" *schliiick* *schliick* "How did you meet my daughter?" *schliiick* *schliick*. . . and so on.

I took it square in the teeth, though, and started talking about bowhunting instead. 

Apparently that was a good move, because he put down the sharp instruments to show off his bow!

I'm convinced to this day that he did it on purpose.


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## zeeberex (Nov 21, 2008)

seems fair to me


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## BlueDragon1981 (Nov 21, 2008)

thardey said:


> No exaggeration -- on my very first date, ever, (My parent's dropped me off, and it was a "group date") I walked in the door to meet her parents, and her dad was sharpening all of his knives and bow hunting broadheads.
> 
> I still remember the conversation:
> 
> ...



Probably because it is something i will likely do. With my knives and swords. Looking for a sniper rifle also with laser scopes just in case they get away or I don't feel like running... :shooter:


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## Xue Sheng (Nov 21, 2008)

thardey said:


> No exaggeration -- on my very first date, ever, (My parent's dropped me off, and it was a "group date") I walked in the door to meet her parents, and her dad was sharpening all of his knives and bow hunting broadheads.
> 
> I still remember the conversation:
> 
> ...


 
Now THAT'S a great idea..THANKS


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## zDom (Nov 22, 2008)

thardey said:


> No exaggeration -- on my very first date, ever, (My parent's dropped me off, and it was a "group date") I walked in the door to meet her parents, and her dad was sharpening all of his knives and bow hunting broadheads.
> 
> I still remember the conversation:
> 
> ...




Heh. I remember being invited in/over for dinner at a girlfriend's house. Her dad was reviewing tapes of his recent judo test (I think it was his brown belt?).

"See here: he goes unconcious during the choke &#8212; I didn't mean to, but ..." etc. etc. ...

Coincidence? I think not


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## BlueDragon1981 (Nov 24, 2008)

zDom said:


> Heh. I remember being invited in/over for dinner at a girlfriend's house. Her dad was reviewing tapes of his recent judo test (I think it was his brown belt?).
> 
> "See here: he goes unconcious during the choke  I didn't mean to, but ..." etc. etc. ...
> 
> Coincidence? I think not



See its a fathers job to scare the @#$% out of the boy  . I'm no different.... and will surely be doing something that will make him think twice about touching my daughter.


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## thardey (Nov 25, 2008)

My Dad's approach was simpler. 

He would tell the boys that they could date my sister if they passed a spelling test:

The word was "Castration."


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## BlueDragon1981 (Nov 25, 2008)

thardey said:


> My Dad's approach was simpler.
> 
> He would tell the boys that they could date my sister if they passed a spelling test:
> 
> The word was "Castration."



LOL.... that is a good method.


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## Lynne (Nov 26, 2008)

Luckily my daughter's boyfriend resides across the Atlantic, in England.  He is coming to visit next year.

My husband says any boy will have to pass the german shepherd test.  We have a large shepherd


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## Stac3y (Mar 6, 2009)

Brian R. VanCise said:


> Now mind you I think it is a brilliant document. :rofl: However, I have only boy's so I feel that they should not be discriminated against like this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
I have only boys, also, and I think I'm going to modify this document to apply to them. Shouldn't take a lot of work....


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## JadeDragon3 (Mar 6, 2009)

I like rules #9 & #10.  Ten especially.


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## MA-Caver (Mar 6, 2009)

This commercial (viewed only in AfterDark... too adult for regular postings) gives even the Staunchest father a reason to have a sense of humor. :uhyeah: 
http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1135376#post1135376


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