# Universal Rules



## rdonovan1 (Aug 28, 2009)

*[FONT=Modern No. 20]UNIVERSAL  RULES[/FONT]*​ 
*[FONT=Modern No. 20]1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often. 

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 

6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.) 

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 

9. Bills you have to pay travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other. 

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed. 

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 

23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. 

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.' 

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 

26. You should not confuse your career with your life. 

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 

28. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 

29. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 

30. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 

31. Your friends love you anyway. 

32. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.[/FONT]* *[FONT=Modern No. 20]A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 

33. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?[/FONT]*


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## Carol (Aug 28, 2009)

rdonovan1 said:


> *[FONT=Modern No. 20]
> 
> 30. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
> [/FONT]*



Of course I am!  I have proof 

http://www.amazon.com/Boston-Drivers-Handbook-Streets-Almost/dp/0306813262

It's easy as long as you remember the cardinal rules for the city.  Green light means Go, Yellow light means Go Very Fast. Red light means three cars can still get through.


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## rdonovan1 (Aug 28, 2009)

Carol Kaur said:


> Of course I am! I have proof
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/Boston-Drivers-Handbook-Streets-Almost/dp/0306813262
> 
> It's easy as long as you remember the cardinal rules for the city. Green light means Go, Yellow light means Go Very Fast. Red light means three cars can still get through.


 
My father thinks that he is a good driver, but from what I have seen of his driving I am going to have to disagree with him on that as he once went down a wrong way street with me in the car.


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## Carol (Aug 28, 2009)

Most places frown on that.  

Boston, meh. That's why pedestrians have to look both ways before they cross the street.


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## rdonovan1 (Aug 28, 2009)

Carol Kaur said:


> Most places frown on that.
> 
> Boston, meh. That's why pedestrians have to look both ways before they cross the street.


 
Are you in Boston? I am just curious because you mention Boston and that is the area that my father lives in.


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## Carol (Aug 28, 2009)

rdonovan1 said:


> Are you in Boston? I am just curious because you mention Boston and that is the area that my father lives in.




Well that explains the driving down the wrong way of the one-way street :lfao:

I am in the area, in NH.  There are a few of us on MT from New England.


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## morph4me (Aug 28, 2009)

Carol Kaur said:


> Of course I am! I have proof
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/Boston-Drivers-Handbook-Streets-Almost/dp/0306813262
> 
> It's easy as long as you remember the cardinal rules for the city. Green light means Go, Yellow light means Go Very Fast. Red light means three cars can still get through.


 
Somebody told me that in MA, red lights and stop signs were just suggestions.


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## zDom (Aug 28, 2009)

rdonovan1 said:


> *31. Your friends love you anyway. *




31 a. _*TRUE*_ friends are a rarity: treasure them. Most of the people you call "friends" are probably just Good Time Charlies who will sleep with your husband/wife/significant other if given the chance and/or will not really be there for you when you REALLY need them.


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## Tez3 (Aug 28, 2009)

zDom said:


> 31 a. _*TRUE*_ friends are a rarity: treasure them. Most of the people you call "friends" are probably just Good Time Charlies who will sleep with your husband/wife/significant other if given the chance and/or will not really be there for you when you REALLY need them.


 
A true friend is one who will sleep with your wife/husband etc to save you having to do it! 

Acutally the people I call true friends are exactly that, I'm not stupid, you know! (bit insulting that, pal)


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## Nomad (Aug 28, 2009)

rdonovan1 said:


> *[FONT=Modern No. 20]UNIVERSAL  RULES[/FONT]*​
> *[FONT=Modern No. 20]
> 24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.' [/FONT]*



Ummmm... so what are you saying?


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## Nomad (Aug 28, 2009)

zDom said:


> 31 a. _*TRUE*_ friends are a rarity: treasure them. Most of the people you call "friends" are probably just Good Time Charlies who will sleep with your husband/wife/significant other if given the chance and/or will not really be there for you when you REALLY need them.



Friends will help you move; *true friends* will help you move the bodies.

*34. Experience is what you have 10 minutes after you needed it *


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## Carol (Aug 28, 2009)

morph4me said:


> Somebody told me that in MA, red lights and stop signs were just suggestions.



Oh no.  Not suggestions.  Only three cars that are already at speed because they were ready to run the yellow can run a red.  Otherwise they must be respected.  Unless it is quiet and your car is free from any open containers.


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## zDom (Aug 28, 2009)

Tez3 said:


> Acutally the people I call true friends are exactly that, I'm not stupid, you know! (bit insulting that, pal)



Bah, don't take it personally, Tez: I'm just a slightly jaded old man who was far too loyal to and trusting of "friends" in the past for my own good


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## Tez3 (Aug 28, 2009)

zDom said:


> Bah, don't take it personally, Tez: I'm just a slightly jaded old man who was far too loyal to and trusting of "friends" in the past for my own good


 
I suspect you are actually younger than I.

One shouldn't be worried by the way others behave, only how you behave, if you have been loyal and a good friend that is credit to you and something to be proud of. It doesn't matter a fig what anyone did, it's their loss not yours. Forgive yourself and enjoy life.


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## rdonovan1 (Aug 29, 2009)

morph4me said:


> Somebody told me that in MA, red lights and stop signs were just suggestions.


 
Jeff Foxworthy said something like that before about Atlanta, but I can't really remember as to how it goes.

I don't know about anyone else here, but I tend to like a lot of his material. 

Bill Engvall is also a good one with his 'Here's your sign' bit and based upon what I have seen I think that there are a lot of people out there that should be wearing signs that say 'Do not disturb, because I am stupid' or 'Do not disturb, because I am already distbured'.

I think that the best one that I like from Jeff Foxworthy is the one about singles. That one is so true in my opinion.


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## rdonovan1 (Aug 29, 2009)

Nomad said:


> Ummmm... so what are you saying?


 
I got this stuff from my ex-wife. If you think you might fit the description of that line then let me know what your symptoms are and I'll see if I can help out.


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## rdonovan1 (Aug 29, 2009)

zDom said:


> 31 a. _*TRUE*_ friends are a rarity: treasure them. Most of the people you call "friends" are probably just Good Time Charlies who will sleep with your husband/wife/significant other if given the chance and/or will not really be there for you when you REALLY need them.


 
True friends are in my opinion hard to find nowdays.


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## Tez3 (Aug 29, 2009)

rdonovan1 said:


> True friends are in my opinion hard to find nowdays.


 
Do you think so, tbh I've never found it hard. My son and daughter both have friends they've had since they started school which is many years ago, my other half and I still have friends of many years standing, we are all there for each other no doubts or problems.
Perhaps though some people ask too much of their friends? they cross the line between friendship and being leeches.


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## rdonovan1 (Aug 30, 2009)

Tez3 said:


> Do you think so, tbh I've never found it hard. My son and daughter both have friends they've had since they started school which is many years ago, my other half and I still have friends of many years standing, we are all there for each other no doubts or problems.
> Perhaps though some people ask too much of their friends? they cross the line between friendship and being leeches.


 
It sure feels that way to me and it is really depressing for me as I have never really had much luck when it comes to making real friends that will not lie to me and that are honest and trustworthy and that is why I am so skiddish and cautious about everything nowdays. 

I guess that you could say that I have been hurt way too many times in the past and that is why I am not very trusting of most people.


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