# New and Trying to Find Direction



## Budster (Nov 8, 2019)

Hi All,

I am 45 years old and considering learning a martial art. There are not a ton of options in my area and I am sort of stuck on which direction to take. The primary goal I wish to get out of this is to slow down my mental reaction and increase my awareness in high stress situations.

A little background on me. I am deathly afraid of confrontation. Always have been. My reaction to any threat, and any amount of adrenaline is immediate retreat. Even the slightest notion of confrontation triggers my adrenaline. And when faced with a situation where I must (or should) confront someone, I will almost certainly fold. As a result, I've lived my entire life with no confidence and very little self-respect.

Someone suggested I take a martial art. Most of what I can find in my area is Taekwondo that caters to children but some also have adult classes. Also nearby is an Okinawan Karate school, an Aikido school, and a boxing gym. If I wish to drive a ways, I could also consider a Kung Fu school, and I think there is also an MMA school.

What I *think* I should look for is a school that does sparring or other application work. Everything I've been researching says the best way to learn adrenaline management is to find a school that does sparring or other type of "free fighting". Basically, put myself in a confrontational situation where I don't know what's coming next.

For that, I figured boxing or Karate (as the Karate school near me does have sparring classes). But not many other schools do any type of sparring.

What I *want* to learn is Aikido. Mainly because there is a school nearby, I think it is an incredibly beautiful art, and I'm a small person without a lot of physical strength. But I don't think they do any type of sparring work.

All that said, I have been going to different schools, observing classes, and speaking with the instructors. I was hoping some of you experienced people could also weigh in with your thoughts about what I should look for and/or things I maybe haven't considered. And maybe a martial art isn't going to get me what I'm looking for. Brutal honesty is OK too. 

Thank you in advance!


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## Xue Sheng (Nov 8, 2019)

Then take Aikido. 
Aikido does not have sparing but does the Aikido school have a Randori class?

But you can likely give them all a try and see what fits you best. You may think boxing and Karate is what you want for you goal, but is you do not enjoy it, you will not go. Try then all, maybe Aikido is what you need, maybe it is not, only you will know that after giving them a try.


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## Flying Crane (Nov 8, 2019)

A lot of people will insist that a lot of sparring is mandatory for learning how to effectively use martial skills.  I disagree with that mindset.  There are other interactive drills that can develop those skills quite well.  But it does depend on what you want, and sparring is an effective approach. 

You may enjoy sparring, and a school with a heavy emphasis on that might be good for you.

Or you might hate it, and it turns you off to training entirely.  You describe yourself as being physically small, with a very heavy aversion to conflict and confrontation.  It is possible that a school with a heavy sparring emphasis might be the worst thing for you, might turn you off to training altogether.

As has been said, you should do what you are genuinely interested in.  Don’t do what everyone tells you that you need, if you are not genuinely interested in it.  If you do, then you will not stick with it for long.  And longevity in your training is key, you need to find something that you are passionate about, that keeps you wanting to come back for more.  You need to focus on the long-term benefits that you can get from the training, and genuine interest is key in that.

So visit all the schools that are close enough for you to attend, that have a class schedule that works with your personal and professional schedule, and that you can afford the tuition.  Those are your choices.  Visit them all, watch some classes, trial some classes if they allow it, then pick the one that interests you most and that you feel is a good match for your personality and you feel like you can be comfortable in the group and with the teacher.

And if you start to feel like it isn’t working out for you, then visit the other schools again.


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## marques (Nov 8, 2019)

Welcome!

I am quite sure martial arts training will help. So, please keep going and choose one.

Sparring will definitively be good. You realise you can defend or take some hits from a trained fit guy without dying, so the silly fat men will be no threat (no or little adrenaline). BUT to soon may be too much adrenaline and too much bad feelings associated to it to keep you going to train.

Hope you find something suitable, because I have seen martial arts helping a lot many people and I do not see why you would be exception.


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## W.Bridges (Nov 8, 2019)

Hello and Welcome to MT.


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## drop bear (Nov 8, 2019)

Do the boxing or MMA. You will not learn to fight without fighting.

I have never met a quality practical martial artist who doesn't spar.

You can't even properly gain the sort of spirituality or discipline that martial arts advertises without fighting. Or at least without challenge.

E.g..





Where I see people get results it is always from the same school of training. The authentic, hard working no rubbish martial arts.

And the quicker you realize that the more progress you are going to make.

For example this sort of progression is common if you find the right gym.


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## jobo (Nov 8, 2019)

Budster said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am 45 years old and considering learning a martial art. There are not a ton of options in my area and I am sort of stuck on which direction to take. The primary goal I wish to get out of this is to slow down my mental reaction and increase my awareness in high stress situations.
> 
> ...


aikido is Indeed beautiful, it's also border line useless for f


Budster said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am 45 years old and considering learning a martial art. There are not a ton of options in my area and I am sort of stuck on which direction to take. The primary goal I wish to get out of this is to slow down my mental reaction and increase my awareness in high stress situations.
> 
> ...


aikido is indeed beautiful, it's also border line useless as a fighting art, if you desire is to be able to fight , don't do that, 

itt may or may not increase yourself confidence, you don't really need to be able to fight to learn to assert yourself, most conflicts don't end iin a fight, unless one or both are drunk. but it's nice to have you n your pocket just in case

so, what is it you desire from learning a martial art ?


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## Budster (Nov 8, 2019)

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Lots of helpful information. But I also wanted to clarify a point:



jobo said:


> so, what is it you desire from learning a martial art ?



I could write a novel about all my "issues" and how/why I am the person I am today. But if I try to tackle everything at once, I will never make progress. It has been a very difficult journey simply coming to the acknowledgement that I began this thread with: I am a coward. It is embarrassing and shameful to admit. But I am.

For the first 40 years of my life it hasn't had such an impact that it now has. Why? Because now I have a son. For 40 years I ran away from nearly every confrontation I was faced with. And for the vast majority of those I did face, I folded. As difficult as it has been to live with myself for those first 40 years, I don't feel like I can afford to continue this way as a father. This is not a quality I want to pass onto my son. And, truth be told, I'm also fearful the day may come when I have to put my physical well-being aside in favor of my son's. I question if I can do it. I believe I would cower and retreat. And my son would get hurt. Maybe permanently. How can I live with myself should that happen?

And I don't mean just fights either. I don't want to fight people. I am a very easy-going person and do not believe in violence. I try to break up fights, not start them or add to them. Let me give you this scenario:

If I'm standing in line at McDonald's and someone cuts in front of me, the most minuscule ideation that I should say something sparks (what feels to me like) an incredible adrenaline rush. And I am literally paralyzed in fear and anxiety. I freeze. It doesn't matter if the person who cut in front of me is a big guy, little woman, or even a child. The bottomline is, my body's stressors and crisis response is triggered by the most meaningless circumstances. Nevermind getting a cheeseburger at McDonald's. This has stunted me in so many other areas of my life. I've been burned in negotiations - at work, at home, everywhere. Because I fold. Then one or two days later I am emotionally beating myself up because "I should have said XYZ," or, "I should have done ABC."

Before you say it, I know this is deep-rooted anxiety (among other things). I regularly see a therapist. And a pretty good one. I always thought that my brain processed things too slowly (hence the day or two later I'm beating myself up). But it was my therapist that suggested martial arts because he said I am actually thinking too fast. He said my brain charges right through any reasonable responses, and shortcuts to anxiety and fear. So the ultimate goal for learning a martial art is:

*When my body's crisis response system kicks in, I need to slow down my thought process. Be more aware, mindful, and in the moment.*

Of course, learning practical self-defense is never a bad thing. And a way to stay in shape that is fun and exciting. Lifting weights and running in circles is not fun for me.

Upon looking into different martial arts, what to study, where to study, and the reasons different people study, I also came across information about adrenaline management. For that, it seems most people recommend actually getting in the ring and putting my body through adrenaline rushes until I gradually learn to manage it. I will learn what adrenaline is and what it isn't. And it will become my friend. I will learn my true level of resilience. I will learn that a punch to the face will not kill me. And in time, adrenaline will stop paralyzing me.

Maybe this isn't what I should be searching for. Or maybe it is. I really don't know. But I've tried other things to try and manage this. Nothing has worked quite the way I hoped. In some cases (and as one of you mentioned) it has made things worse for me. Martial arts is something I haven't tried yet. I know the journey will be long. But I need to start somewhere. And I'm just looking for a little guidance so I don't waste any more time.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## isshinryuronin (Nov 8, 2019)

Welcome, Budster.  Of course, most MA people will probably recommend the art they are into, including me in this case.  Based on the info you gave, these are my thoughts.

Aikido is based on internal, subtle techniques that depend on your skill in merging with the opponent's movement and energy and redirecting them.  This can take years to become effective as a confidence-building, self-defense vehicle.  A couple more years after that to deal with a resisting opponent or one that knows how to center their body and attack energy, which will keep you from taking control of their movement.  It will teach you relaxation, physical poise and some good techniques that will be usable in certain situations within the first year or two.

Boxing is good self-defense training, but is very physical.  MMA, even more so.  At 45, MMA training will be very hard on your body, unless you are in great shape already.  Given that, your joints and ligaments have some mileage on them starting off.  Something you must consider.  If you are really gung ho, you might consider these.  You will get in good shape if the school is not too brutal, and not too commercialized that you don't get the true self-defense confidence you are looking for.

False confidence is worse than no confidence.

Good traditional Okinawan karate has elements of all the above.  The movements are fairly direct, so not too hard to get proficient.  There is some, but not much risk for starting out at your age.  There is some contact in training, more so in actual sparring, yet less than in boxing.  You'll get physical enough to get accustomed to contact and adrenalin/stress control, without worrying about getting beat up.  This is what I have practiced for decades, and still do in my 60's.

Be aware, the quality and attitude of the teacher is paramount.  Confronting your weaknesses is difficult.  You're already on your way.  Overcoming them still harder.  You will never lose that initial doubt and stress at the start of a confrontation.  But if you've trained with serious intent, been taught well, and have practiced your moves a thousand times, you will have a good chance of being the victor in a physical altercation.  You may even show enough confidence and control to AVOID such confrontation.  Good luck.


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## Headhunter (Nov 8, 2019)

Budster said:


> Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Lots of helpful information. But I also wanted to clarify a point:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So what you are saying is you want to be able to beat someone up who cuts in front of you in a line?....because if you are saying that then that's just silly.

Running away is without doubt the best thing to do in any confrontation. There's no prizes for standing around getting into a fight apart from a free trip down the police station. Any martial artist with a brain will tell you that you should always be looking to get away without fighting. I've been doing martial arts over 30 years and if a guy came up mouthing off and threatening me then hell yeah I'd run away. Does that make me a coward? Maybe but I'm also dumb enough to fight when I don't need to and there's a way out. Martial arts isn't about fighting someone who cuts in front of you in McDonald's. It's always a very last resort if you have absolutely no choice. The smart thing is always to run away. I don't care if your a 10th Dan grandmaster your not going to beat a gang of people attacking you. No matter what your skil is always try and run.


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## jobo (Nov 8, 2019)

Headhunter said:


> So what you are saying is you want to be able to beat someone up who cuts in front of you in a line?....because if you are saying that then that's just silly.
> 
> Running away is without doubt the best thing to do in any confrontation. There's no prizes for standing around getting into a fight apart from a free trip down the police station. Any martial artist with a brain will tell you that you should always be looking to get away without fighting. I've been doing martial arts over 30 years and if a guy came up mouthing off and threatening me then hell yeah I'd run away. Does that make me a coward? Maybe but I'm also dumb enough to fight when I don't need to and there's a way out. Martial arts isn't about fighting someone who cuts in front of you in McDonald's. It's always a very last resort if you have absolutely no choice. The smart thing is always to run away. I don't care if your a 10th Dan grandmaster your not going to beat a gang of people attacking you. No matter what your skil is always try and run.


no that's not what he is saying at all, have you decided to drive another newby away /?


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## Dirty Dog (Nov 8, 2019)

Budster said:


> What I *want* to learn is Aikido. Mainly because there is a school nearby, I think it is an incredibly beautiful art, and I'm a small person without a lot of physical strength. But I don't think they do any type of sparring work.



You just answered your own question. You want to learn Akido? Then go learn Akido.
Bear in mind that the people you're going to see spouting off about Aikdo being useless have never actually trained any Aikido. Personally, I have been in waayyyyyy too many conflicts. It's just part (albeit a bad part) of the ED. And I use (successfully) techniques all the time that would be instantly recognizable to any Aikijujutsu, Aikido, or Hapkido practitioner.



drop bear said:


> Do the boxing or MMA. You will not learn to fight without fighting.
> I have never met a quality practical martial artist who doesn't spar.



That you've never met them doesn't preclude their existence. Cowboy Cerrone (You may have heard of him. He's one of the top ranked fighters in the UFC Lightweight division.) does not spar. Hasn't for years.
I have not sparred in years either. And yet, I do just fine in those inevitable ED confrontations.

Is sparring a good teaching tool? Sure. Of course it is. But it's far from the only one.


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Nov 8, 2019)

If you want to learn aikido, go learn aikido.

I would say that if you want to specifically learn to handle adrenaline situations, boxing would be a good supplement, for exposure therapy if nothing else. Nothing gets your adrenaline running quit so quickly as boxing against someone good, and you have no real option once in the ring but to fight. In general (obviously there could be exceptions), Aikido won't spend as much time with you in that high adrenaline, confrontational situation.


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## Budster (Nov 8, 2019)

Headhunter said:


> So what you are saying is you want to be able to beat someone up who cuts in front of you in a line?....because if you are saying that then that's just silly.



Wow. Did you read any of what I wrote? It would behoove you to finish reading until the end.


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## JP3 (Nov 8, 2019)

jobo said:


> aikido is Indeed beautiful, it's also border line useless for f


Thanks... Appreciate the support.  But, yeah... I see the point.

Typically, an aikido school isn't going to be the best place to learn to deal with aggression, aggressive physical tactics, or just plain old aggressive people... unless that school has made an intentional decision to train to deal with such things. It will teach you things that will equip you, indirectly, to deal with them. Just not direct training.  I love my aikijutsu/aikido stuff, been at it for over 20 years and mine is fight-tested, but it's crossed-up with lots of oterh stuff, too, so keep that in mind. It is more aiki than anything else, but if the guy is off balance and he's just stepped wrong and all his weight is on the lead leg... That is just asking for a leg-kick (Dutch or Thai, DropBear... doesn't matter LOL!).

For what it is that you are actually saying you'd like to learn, at least initially... I'd side with Jobo & DropBear, do the boxing. Every boxing gym I've been in seems loosly-organized, but ends up being a highly-structured place to go learn & train. Just the workout will begint he process of increasing self-confidence. Natural process of improving your fitness. At the same time, a good boxing coach can bring you along slowly into very controlled sparring, with strict repetitive drills, then loose combination drills into pads held by a moving partner/coach, then on & up to actual light (to moderately heavy when you're ready for it) boxing sparring.

But, as stated above often, if you don't enjoy what you're doing, you won't stick with it. It's key to find the "thing you like to do."


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## drop bear (Nov 8, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> You just answered your own question. You want to learn Akido? Then go learn Akido.
> Bear in mind that the people you're going to see spouting off about Aikdo being useless have never actually trained any Aikido. Personally, I have been in waayyyyyy too many conflicts. It's just part (albeit a bad part) of the ED. And I use (successfully) techniques all the time that would be instantly recognizable to any Aikijujutsu, Aikido, or Hapkido practitioner.
> 
> 
> ...



This cowboy Cerrone?


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## dvcochran (Nov 8, 2019)

Welcome to forum. I read through all the post before responding. 
I understand you have a good therapist but I must reiterate that you cannot put labels (coward, etc...)on yourself. It is probably the easiest think for any of us to do to ourselves that is very, very detrimental.
As far as picking a style, it isn't at all important, especially in the beginning. The important thing it to start. Have a good discussion with the instructors nearest you and talk through your concerns and reasoning for working out. That said, not many are going to tell you their style/school will not help you and that is likely true. Make sure to find a school with at least 
3 class per week that fits your schedule & finances. If there are multiples of a given style (TKD for example) it would be good to check out the different schools as they will almost certainly be ran differently and teach different material.
Every martial art is about repetition. So there will likely be a good bit of prerequisite before you get heavy into sparring anyway. But there will be interaction that will help you in the journey. 
After you get your feet wet and have a better understanding of what you are getting into I feel certain you will be able to self evaluate and decide if you may need to change to a different school. 
Don't spend too much time trying to figure out what or how MA will help you; just jump in and enjoy the ride. The results will come on their own as long as you put the work in. So you have to start.
Keep in touch and let us know how the journey progresses.


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## drop bear (Nov 8, 2019)

Budster said:


> Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Lots of helpful information. But I also wanted to clarify a point:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



So. MMA is also a tool used to combat PTSD.
Can MMA Really Treat PTSD?

So the same process that equips you with the mental tools to handle a fight. Also helps people gain mental tools to handle everything else.


There are just these common building blocks that are constantly successful.

MMA for anxiety.
Here's How Martial Arts Cures Depression And Anxiety - Evolve Daily

Lots of people battle with their inner daemons.






You are not built differently you just haven't been given the right tools.


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## isshinryuronin (Nov 8, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> I do just fine in those inevitable ED confrontations



That's good, 'cause when you get older, those confrontations become more common.


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## jobo (Nov 9, 2019)

dvcochran said:


> Welcome to forum. I read through all the post before responding.
> I understand you have a good therapist but I must reiterate that you cannot put labels (coward, etc...)on yourself. It is probably the easiest think for any of us to do to ourselves that is very, very detrimental.
> As far as picking a style, it isn't at all important, especially in the beginning. The important thing it to start. Have a good discussion with the instructors nearest you and talk through your concerns and reasoning for working out. That said, not many are going to tell you their style/school will not help you and that is likely true. Make sure to find a school with at least
> 3 class per week that fits your schedule & finances. If there are multiples of a given style (TKD for example) it would be good to check out the different schools as they will almost certainly be ran differently and teach different material.
> ...


I agree with every thing above, there's a lot of self recrimination in your posts, I spent a lot of my early years getting on to pointless conflict about things like queue jumping, for much the same reason as you feel bad about not standing up for yourself, I would have felt bad if I didn't, however as the years have past, I've come you realise, that the world is full of inconsiderate ****s and you really can't fight them all and it only really putts a minute or two on my day. 

so don't beat yourself up for realising early what it took me 50 years to catch on to.


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## Headhunter (Nov 9, 2019)

Budster said:


> Wow. Did you read any of what I wrote? It would behoove you to finish reading until the end.


Yes I did and that's how that sounded to me. If im wrong I'm wrong but that's simply how it sounded to me


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## Headhunter (Nov 9, 2019)

drop bear said:


> This cowboy Cerrone?


Maybe check your facts....he said cerrone hasn't sparred in years...when was this uploaded?....2012...so 7 years ago...I think that counts as not sparring in years


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## Budster (Nov 9, 2019)

Headhunter said:


> Yes I did and that's how that sounded to me. If im wrong I'm wrong but that's simply how it sounded to me



Fair enough. I was just using that as an example of how extreme my critical response is.

I guess a simpler (and more appropriate) example is that people can often talk me into doing things that I don’t want to do. Because I hit “crisis mode” so fast, and my response is always to retreat.


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## Headhunter (Nov 9, 2019)

Budster said:


> Fair enough. I was just using that as an example of how extreme my critical response is.
> 
> I guess a simpler (and more appropriate) example is that people can often talk me into doing things that I don’t want to do. Because I hit “crisis mode” so fast, and my response is always to retreat.


Wasn't ant insult towards you I questioned it and said if that is what you're saying then it's silly not outright saying your stupid for thinking that way,,..As I said in previous post running away from trouble is the best thing to do. If you have a way out take it run away no shame in that in the real world. It's the smart choice


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## JowGaWolf (Nov 9, 2019)

Flying Crane said:


> A lot of people will insist that a lot of sparring is mandatory for learning how to effectively use martial skills.  I disagree with that mindset.  There are other interactive drills that can develop those skills quite well.  But it does depend on what you want, and sparring is an effective approach.
> 
> You may enjoy sparring, and a school with a heavy emphasis on that might be good for you.
> 
> ...


if this was me I would probably take a 2 part approach because there's a mental factor going on and a physical factor.  Maybe a Self Defense class to help with the mental factor of dealing with confrontation and sparring to help deal with the physical aspect of it.

it may be possible that this isn't just fear.  It could be possible that it's a phobia of confrontation.


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## Dirty Dog (Nov 9, 2019)

drop bear said:


> This cowboy Cerrone?



Yup. Now look at the date. Notice it's a long long time ago. As I said, he used to spar. He stopped because the risks outweighed any benefit.



isshinryuronin said:


> That's good, 'cause when you get older, those confrontations become more common.



I'm already older...


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## drop bear (Nov 9, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> Yup. Now look at the date. Notice it's a long long time ago. As I said, he used to spar. He stopped because the risks outweighed any benefit.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm already older...



Ok. So definitely not this Cowboy Cerone then?


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## drop bear (Nov 9, 2019)

Headhunter said:


> Maybe check your facts....he said cerrone hasn't sparred in years...when was this uploaded?....2012...so 7 years ago...I think that counts as not sparring in years



Mabye.


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## drop bear (Nov 9, 2019)

Headhunter said:


> Maybe check your facts....he said cerrone hasn't sparred in years...when was this uploaded?....2012...so 7 years ago...I think that counts as not sparring in years



The BMF ranch.


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## Headhunter (Nov 9, 2019)

drop bear said:


> Mabye.


2016. 3 years ago


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## Headhunter (Nov 9, 2019)

drop bear said:


> The BMF ranch.


2015. 4 years ago...keep trying


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## Bruce7 (Nov 9, 2019)

Budster said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am 45 years old and considering learning a martial art. There are not a ton of options in my area and I am sort of stuck on which direction to take. The primary goal I wish to get out of this is to slow down my mental reaction and increase my awareness in high stress situations.
> 
> ...



Take Aikido just because it is a wonderful art.
Wing Chun was design for small people.
Boxing has weight classes so you box someone your own size.


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## ShortBridge (Nov 9, 2019)

I will stay out of the style debate, but will say that training can/will help with your response to confrontation. Go with what you think fits you the best and keep track of that goal so that you recognize your progress.


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## drop bear (Nov 10, 2019)

Headhunter said:


> 2015. 4 years ago...keep trying


https://scontent.fbne5-1.fna.fbcdn....=51bd5f940020fdb319d50daaae153f87&oe=5E4CA5C9

That one is in March. Check the BMF ranch Facebook page.


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## Budster (Nov 10, 2019)

Headhunter said:


> Wasn't ant insult towards you I questioned it and said if that is what you're saying then it's silly not outright saying your stupid for thinking that way,,..As I said in previous post running away from trouble is the best thing to do. If you have a way out take it run away no shame in that in the real world. It's the smart choice



No insult taken. And I appreciate the clarification.

Like I said, I don’t want to fight. I hate it. And I happen to believe that no one ever wins a fight... one just loses less than the other.

I also understand that sometimes it is unavoidable. But again, my primary motivation is for management of my critical response system. I have no respect for myself because I fold easily. I can’t stand up for myself and I never could. Not even verbally. That’s no way to live. And it’s certainly not a quality I want my son to learn from me.


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## jobo (Nov 10, 2019)

Budster said:


> No insult taken. And I appreciate the clarification.
> 
> Like I said, I don’t want to fight. I hate it. And I happen to believe that no one ever wins a fight... one just loses less than the other.
> 
> I also understand that sometimes it is unavoidable. But again, my primary motivation is for management of my critical response system. I have no respect for myself because I fold easily. I can’t stand up for myself and I never could. Not even verbally. That’s no way to live. And it’s certainly not a quality I want my son to learn from me.


for the meek will inherit the earth, if thats ok with you chaps ?


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## drop bear (Nov 10, 2019)

And then this turned up. My coach and the team with cowboy cerone.

The Danimal is the guy on the left.


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## Brian King (Nov 12, 2019)

Budster,

Welcome to Martial Talk. I hope to give you a bit of a perspective shift and a perhaps few things to think about. How old is your son?

You called yourself a coward, well sir, welcome to being human. All have some fears, but few are willing to address them let alone to admit to their fears in such a brutal and honest way on a public forum.

Fear of Confrontations:

Fear is a survival mechanism. It is a very old, primitive, deep seated, mechanism. There is a spectrum of reactions. Most have heard of the fight, flight, and freeze responses and each of these can come in a spectrum. Amongst humans, we can sometimes get ‘stuck’ into a certain response no matter the different circumstances. We can become hyper-vigilant (hyper-arousal) or suffer from various anxiety disorders and paralysis (hypo-arousal) and can become stuck with this as our bodies go to response to any stimuli. I think it is more of a common affliction than generally believed. So basically Budster – you aren’t alone my friend.

I do not believe that you need to throw yourself into the deep water by worrying about sparring and fighting…yet. Yes, jumping in and getting a bunch of experience in a short of amount of time can inoculate you and help to get you past the current responses to conflict that your body injects you with, but I do not think that it is a very healthy way of dealing with past trauma’s and current anxieties. At least not yet. I think that if not done correctly you can imprint very bad lessons and do harm to further progress in meeting your goals. Slow down, take it easy, you are only 40 – you have a lifetime remaining. I am not sure how old your boy is, but I know you either watched him or are watching him learn how to run. Do you remember what his first step in learning that skill was? First, he moved his eyes back and forth, up and down, circling his eyes and learning about his near environment. Then he learned how to organize his bodies structures to support huge movement, like lifting his head, moving his fingers and toes. Eventually after much progress he learned to roll over, then to propel himself toward some bright shiny object by scooting then crawling. Eventually reaching up and stretching to reach for the sky. Then leaning and falling, and falling, and falling. Eventually being able to take a step, then combine two or three steps before falling, and falling and falling. Then walking, tripping, and falling and eventually running. Hundreds of individual steps taken prior to taking the first locomotion of steps.

Perhaps your first step will be to see how often you can catch yourself holding your breath. Once caught, to then ‘simply’ learn to then exhale or inhale to release the moment. Budster, did you know that your breathing is a gateway, a bridge to all your other body’s systems, including your nervous system? If you can learn to start controlling your breathing it will positively better your entire life, including your relationship with fear, conflict, and your son. Several methods can be used to help you gain control of your breathing and nervous system responses. Russianmartialart.com has a few Systema DVD’s just about breathing, each giving a number of exercises and drills that you can do to help that part of your journey. These of course can be used with whatever martial path you take. The knowledge will allow you to travel further, faster and safer along your path. Breath training is a ‘simple’ step to widen your Window of Tolerance.

No matter the martial path you finally end up choosing Budster, even if your teacher doesn’t emphasize the breathing – you yourself can focus on it. Any time you are paired up doing any kind of drill – work on your breathing to help you control your own bodies stress reactions. Fine tune your awareness to better feel when your body is hijacking your emotions and reactions. Currently your Window of Tolerance is VERY narrow. What you want to try to learn is methods of widening that window. If your Window of Tolerance was graphed it might look like a sharp narrow V, with sharp lines and angles. A better wider window graphed out might look more like a continues S but on its side. A wavy line, not a straight line but a nice mostly even line, a little arousal a little correction, a little depression and little correction.  A graph with a bunch of V’s would represent huge arousal forcing huge correction (if possible) a huge depression and huge correction (again if possible) as the body’s reactions are hyper or hypo excited forcing huge corrections to try to return to neutral. Ever watch your young son try to turn the faucets to make warm water? First too much hot, then too much cold, then too much hot, too much cold… We can do the same with our own bodies if we do not learn to recognize our own bodies reactions the instant that they begin to react. If we are numb to our bodies, by the time we realize that we are in conflict, it is very often too late, and we are hijacked.

We can get that awareness fine-tuned by focusing on everyday circumstances and situations that our bodies must adjust to. The traffic light turning orange, your boss calling your name, the elevator too crowded, your alarm clock buzzing, anything that causes even a tiniest minute reaction is a learning tool. Learning to honestly see these situations and your bodies reaction from the outside (almost like a third person) will give you the practice and to build up repetitions. Every time you catch yourself holding your breath and can release that hold- you gain positive feedback and practice. The only difference between these minor ‘conflicts’ or excitements/depressions and something major like a physical attack is the seriousness of the outcome and the speed of the excitement. Our body basically starts our internal reactions the same way. By using the not-to-serious situations as an awareness and breathing practice session we better arm ourselves to face the more serious of life’s encounters in a safe and productive manner.

*Budster you wrote*

““I am a coward. It is embarrassing and shameful to admit.” _snip_

“And I am literally paralyzed in fear and anxiety. I freeze.” _snip_

Then one or two days later I am emotionally beating myself up because "I should have said XYZ," or, "I should have done ABC."_ Snip_.

First, give yourself a pat on the back. The strategy that your body has used, has worked in the past. Congratulate yourself, say thank you. But now it is time to move on from that strategy. To get unstuck. You are still alive, and many aren’t. As far as reliving and replaying the conflict you will need to look at it as not a loss but rather a chance to improve. Look at each conflict gratefully as a chance to fail and get better. All the negative thought easily can embody itself into you physically causing long term health considerations. Breathing exercises will help to excise the negative and promote the positive.

Your son IS watching. Do not be afraid to fail in front of him if it becomes a bounce or detour. It is ok for them to see you fail if they also see you correcting and trying to improve. Do not project your own anxieties onto the child. Let them fail, fall, and learn. Proper breathing will be a huge help in this part of the journey as well….bonus.

Spouse or significant other – Budster, you didn’t say if your spouse or significant other was into and supportive of your beginning the martial journey. One thing to beware of and I have seen it happen is that someone makes big changes and self improves. They start a path of growth and inadvertently grow out of their current relationship as they are growing and improving but the other isn’t. The other can even unconsciously sabotage the journey as a means of holding on. By far, it is best to begin and end the journey together – on the same page, aware of the changes sought and the changes happening. Work as team. Engage your other as mentor, a mirror, and sounding board, and a critic.

It doesn’t matter which martial path you choose if you take your time with it. I do think for the journey you are planning, one that has body contact in a non-threatening and safe environment would be better than fist or foot to the face get strong or get, type of art. Not sure if you have Systema in your area but if so, I would encourage you to investigate it. Aikido I think would be a good fit for you (being close to home makes it more likely that you would show up) as there will be body encounters and contact, people training with you not at you, and a chance to practice confrontations and grow in a safe environment. Just, beware of buying into any philosophy without looking at it with clear eyes and vision. Force yourself to stay on your path not a path marked out for others by others.

Another benefit that you might not have thought of by joining most martial arts clubs is that you are also joining a family, a brotherhood if you will of mostly like-minded people that will want the best for you. You will make relationships that will last the rest of your life. You do not need to fight this dragon on your own.
Good luck and please stay on the forum and journal your progress and choices. Somebody somewhere is gaining from the questions you had the courage to ask and the conversation you are having.


Warmest Regards
Brian King

Do you facebook Budster? The Dads Edge is a good group with an even better mastermind. I recommend both but the mastermind is very honest and a great place to go for tough conversations on being a dad. The dads edge podcast is one of my favs and it is from the podcast that the facebook group hatched.


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## KenpoMaster805 (Nov 12, 2019)

Hi bud my suggestion is to take the Okinawan karate i think it would be effective for u and it would be great and they do a lot of okinawan karate arts like shotokan they do great sparting you would love that dont take taekwondo all they do is kicking when they sparring  but choose wisely and make sure the instructor is great and will teach ya the right way and also make sure you can afford the cause


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## KenpoMaster805 (Nov 12, 2019)

Im a small person to im 5'2 or 5'5with shoes and im 41 and i take American Kenpo karate


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## Headhunter (Nov 14, 2019)

Lol first post and trying to sell your book

[Edit - please do not quote the spammer. It just makes more for us to delete.
Mark A Cochran
@Dirty Dog 
MartialTalk Senior Moderator]


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## Buka (Nov 14, 2019)

Welcome to Martial Talk, Budster.

I suggest small steps. Go see what schools are within a reasonable distance to you. Then watch a couple of classes in each.

See which ones you think you would feel the most comfortable in.


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## Budster (Nov 21, 2019)

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I have visited several schools, observed many classes, and spoke with students and instructors. I have decided to take Aikido and have decided on a school. While I did say that (in my opinion) Aikido is a beautiful art, there were a few other reasons why I decided on it.

The school I chose does practice randori. And over-hearing some of the students talk, it sounds like (subject to the student's ability and comfort level) it can get quite chaotic. Although, I do realize I will not be ready to participate in randori for some time. I do look forward to it.

Something I learned about Aikido recently is that there are virtually no explicit attacks, and no concentrated "blocks". This is perhaps why I always felt it to be so elegant and graceful. I feel another one of my underlying issues is that I'm always trying to maintain control of everything in my life. I get very anxious about things that are out of my control, and bad things that I cannot stop. I learned that Aikido is not about forcibly stopping an attack, but rather accepting the attacker's energy and re-directing it. I think this could potentially help my mental state in many ways.

Likewise, there is not a lot about attacking that interests me. I'm not an aggressive person, and I'm OK with that. I just want to be more assertive. Not more aggressive. So, Karate or Boxing might not be a good long-term fit.

One of the instructors at the school I selected made a point to discuss the "art" part of Aikido. Using Aikido as a form of self-expression. And I did not pick up on that in any of the other schools I observed. I know most (if not all) TMAs have roots in creative self-expression. But it appears (at least from my perspective) that today's schools are generally more focused on the 'martial' and not so much on the 'art' anymore. I could be wrong. That's just my perspective. But I am a very creative and artistic person. And I feel I've been missing some creative outlets in my life. So attending a school that actively brings that into training is attractive.

Thanks again. I feel confident in the decision. And if it doesn't work out, at least I tried it. I can always chose another MA or school.


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## jobo (Nov 22, 2019)

Budster said:


> Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I have visited several schools, observed many classes, and spoke with students and instructors. I have decided to take Aikido and have decided on a school. While I did say that (in my opinion) Aikido is a beautiful art, there were a few other reasons why I decided on it.
> 
> The school I chose does practice randori. And over-hearing some of the students talk, it sounds like (subject to the student's ability and comfort level) it can get quite chaotic. Although, I do realize I will not be ready to participate in randori for some time. I do look forward to it.
> 
> ...


good im pleased for you, its not a life changing decision, you can change your mind at any time.

learning to be assertive doesn't take martial skills, in fact aggression is the opposite of being assertive, it tends to end with nobody getting what they want, unless they wanted a fight. though its always nice to have a '' i can take care of myself'' feeling. if i really have to.

keep us posted on your progress


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## _Simon_ (Nov 23, 2019)

Budster said:


> Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I have visited several schools, observed many classes, and spoke with students and instructors. I have decided to take Aikido and have decided on a school. While I did say that (in my opinion) Aikido is a beautiful art, there were a few other reasons why I decided on it.
> 
> The school I chose does practice randori. And over-hearing some of the students talk, it sounds like (subject to the student's ability and comfort level) it can get quite chaotic. Although, I do realize I will not be ready to participate in randori for some time. I do look forward to it.
> 
> ...


So awesome to hear! It sounds like you have such a wonderful level of self-awareness and honesty, if you keep that you'll be able to work through any issues within yourself. A fantastic choice in martial arts for yourself, follow your own gut in all this, it sounds like you are. And yeah, definitely do martial arts for your own reasons, not the reasons others may say you should.

Let us know how you go, excited for you


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