# Lost control for just a second



## Touch Of Death (Mar 19, 2007)

I was just posting on another board how I don't have a "mean" look, but I guess I do. The other night I was at a bar and a friend I have known for years decided to mess with me and began berating me. I was fine until he said just the wrong thing. I swear I felt my blood drop; I slowly turned to look at him with an "I'm going to kill you and then move on to people that even vaugley resemble you" stare. He was smiling and laughing so I quickly covered up that look with my wining smile. It didn't work. He said, "Sean, after the way you just looked at me, I'm not sure I ever want to speak to you again". We parted and I am left wondering if he was serious. This bring me to my question. Have you ever scared someone with a look.(its really a new one on me)
Sean


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## crushing (Mar 19, 2007)

Yes.  I've been told that I can get a really scary crazy look in my eyes.  A look that says that I am out for blood and noone going to stop me.  But, I haven't felt that I was close to a point of losing control though.  Years ago I even played it up a little to keep people from bothering me.

Near the end of Army AIT from someone that also went through basic training with me told me about my 'look'.  He said something like, "You know why noone ever messes with you?  You look like like you should be locked up before you kill someone."  I just kind of half-smiled at him and only said, "due process."  Then I laughed on the inside.

My wife says I have that crazy look every once in a while.  It's likely the result of reading or watching the news.


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## terryl965 (Mar 19, 2007)

Have you ever really seen my picture I scare everybody.


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## green meanie (Mar 19, 2007)

Touch Of Death said:


> This bring me to my question. Have you ever scared someone with a look?


 
For certain.  :asian:


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## still learning (Mar 19, 2007)

Hello, Learning to be humble and NOT letting someone get to you (berating),  is NOT an easy thing to do.  Most of us take (berating) seriously.

Similing alot helps...people at bars usually don't have the best manners in talking to others, most are trying to look tough. Acts like a wise guy.

If it is still bothering you?  ...he has won the battle of the wits...he got your goat.

As a martial arts...(even if your face looks mean)...you can still practice...humbleness, kindness, and greatness!

Learning to ignore what you should and pay attention to what is important is : PART OF GROWING UP.....LEARNING TO BE MORE MATURE!

Your so call friend is still a child that needs to grow-up.

Who's winning and who is the loser in this incident?   Life has many lessons...learn from this one and be a WINNER FROM NOW ON!

Maturity sometimes takes time and many lesssons......HOPE my thoughts will help you here............Aloha

PS: AGE is not a sign of maturity or grown up....IT is the way you handle life...


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## zDom (Mar 19, 2007)

Touch Of Death said:


> Have you ever scared someone with a look.




Not that I know of. I kind of get the opposite.

What I've heard, more than once, is:

"_HE'S_ a 'bad ***'? I just don't see it ..." 

(Not saying I _AM_ a bad ***, fwiw ...)

So I get the impression I look pretty harmless  especially with a fresh haircut.


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## JBrainard (Mar 19, 2007)

Touch Of Death said:


> Have you ever scared someone with a look.(its really a new one on me)


 
All of the time. I have PTSD, hence I am depressed and/or in a bad mood most of the time, and I've been told it shows. Funny thing is, I'm always surprised when I scare someone. In general, I'm not pissed at anyone in particular, just the world in general  I'm actually the person who tries to diffuse fights, not start them. Now I'm just rambling, but I thought that I would share.
Peace.


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## HKphooey (Mar 19, 2007)

The silent, gentle types are the one's you have to watch out for...


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## JasonASmith (Mar 19, 2007)

See my avatar...


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## Kacey (Mar 19, 2007)

First, if you had truly _lost_ control, you wouldn't have been able to pull back and change your expression.

Second, I don't know if I'd call mine a "mean" look - it's a teacher look... and it only comes out when I'm reallly pissed, and my voice tends to get really low and quiet at the same time... that's the point at which my students (school students, I mean - my TKD students have never really triggered it) get really quiet and well behaved... very quickly.


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## elder999 (Mar 19, 2007)

Touch Of Death said:


> Have you ever scared someone with a look.(its really a new one on me)
> Sean


 

Yeah, all the time. It's called "a smile."


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## Ninjamom (Mar 19, 2007)

Touch Of Death said:


> Have you ever scared someone with a look.


I'm a mom.  Get real.


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## Xue Sheng (Mar 19, 2007)

Touch Of Death said:


> Have you ever scared someone with a look.(its really a new one on me)
> Sean


 
Do it all the time, although I am rarely aware of it, generally I am told about it later. 

It must just be me happy go lucky demeanor, that and 13 years in security dealing with drunks and drug addicts. (Happily I no longer do that)

By the way it is a good thing to have, it prevents a lot of fights and physical confrontations. My sanda sifu and my Xingyi sifu can both scare the hell out of me with a look. It gets me to do what I need to do and that too is a good thing.


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## bluemtn (Mar 19, 2007)

A couple of times in high school?  Yes-  I've been told I've given a few people a look that looked like I could shoot lasers out at someone.  I was/ am the type that will let a lot slide, but once I actually got mad-  look out.  Now, I wasn't a physically violent person, but I did have a mouth.  And growing up with 2 older brothers did help with defending myself if I needed to-  which was an extremely rare need.


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## Kembudo-Kai Kempoka (Mar 19, 2007)

I'm a pretty tame, pretty lame dork. Not many folks are gonna be intimated by me on sight, but I can be a little intense when the dooky hits the fan,and with that goes a glare. Only rarely, though.


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## kidswarrior (Mar 19, 2007)

Touch Of Death said:


> Have you ever scared someone with a look.(its really a new one on me)
> Sean



One time after watching one of my daughter's many sporting outings, she came up to where I was waiting and said, What did you do to _________ (another player's dad)? I said, Don't know what you mean. She persisited. I said, Well, only thing I can think of is he got really obnoxious and I didn't like it. She said, So you beat him up? NO! I just looked at him. Her comeback broke my heart: Yeah, you beat him up. That was probably 15 years ago, and it's still as clear as if it was today.


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## Kacey (Mar 19, 2007)

Ninjamom said:


> I'm a mom.  Get real.



_That _is a *great* response - it goes with a poster I have in my classroom that says "You can't scare me.  I teach."


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## wade (Mar 19, 2007)

Nope, never. Most people I run into realize right at the start that I am a fun loving kind of guy with a heart of gold and they tend to be able to relax around me and joke with me from the word go. My younger friends, 5-10 year olds are the ones most prone to take advantage of my kind and generous nature. BUT!!!!!  Elder abuse is epidemic and should not be tolerated!


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## Mark L (Mar 20, 2007)

I think ones' demeanor is the result of your overall experiences.  I'm an average looking, middle aged guy; not very intimidating.  I've been doing MA for a long time and am fairly senior at the dojo.  I've been in my profession for a few decades and am in a leadership role at work.  So I'm fairly confident in my abilities and I think it shows, though I'm not even close to arrogant.  I haven't found myself needing to express a warning via a 'look' in a long time, and I don't usually place myself in situations where it could be needed (another kind of self defense ;-) ).


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## shesulsa (Mar 20, 2007)

Ninjamom said:


> I'm a mom.  Get real.


Ditto that.

Actually I also have some PTSD issues and have been told I look angry even when I'm not.

But all in all, my daughter's boyfriends are more afraid of me than they are my husband.  And my husband is the one who told my daughter, "if you ever see a little red glowing dot on your boyfriend's forehead ... don't ask questions - DUCK!"


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## Shaderon (Mar 20, 2007)

I've been told I am pretty scary when I get angry, probably because I look so "girlie" and am bright and bubbly most of the time it's a total flip when I loose my temper.   It doesn't happen much because it takes a lot for me to loose it but someone very close to me avoided me for days once because I growled something at him in temper.  When I asked why he was avoiding me, he said it was because he was genuinely scared I'd hurt him.    He puts my abilities down a lot now and is always trying to prove he's tougher than me.


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 20, 2007)

zDom said:


> Not that I know of. I kind of get the opposite.
> 
> What I've heard, more than once, is:
> 
> ...


You just described me to a tee.
Sean


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## jdinca (Mar 20, 2007)

Touch Of Death said:


> I was just posting on another board how I don't have a "mean" look, but I guess I do. The other night I was at a bar and a friend I have known for years decided to mess with me and began berating me. I was fine until he said just the wrong thing. I swear I felt my blood drop; I slowly turned to look at him with an "I'm going to kill you and then move on to people that even vaugley resemble you" stare. He was smiling and laughing so I quickly covered up that look with my wining smile. It didn't work. He said, "Sean, after the way you just looked at me, I'm not sure I ever want to speak to you again". We parted and I am left wondering if he was serious. This bring me to my question. Have you ever scared someone with a look.(its really a new one on me)
> Sean


 
Unintentionally, just as you did, but yes, my sweet, loveable face has on a couple of occasions had someone taking a step back.


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 20, 2007)

still learning said:


> Hello, Learning to be humble and NOT letting someone get to you (berating), is NOT an easy thing to do. Most of us take (berating) seriously.
> 
> Similing alot helps...people at bars usually don't have the best manners in talking to others, most are trying to look tough. Acts like a wise guy.
> 
> ...


Yes, he is going to get himself killed someday with bad habbits like that.
Sean


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## Nomad (Mar 20, 2007)

This look that can make other people stop in their tracks and reconsider their words or actions is, IMO, a very valuable martial arts tool.  Their are multiple legends of people like Matsumura and Musashi who were able to "win" battles by staring down their opponents (who were about to fight to the death with them).  

The trick is controlling the look so you don't scare your friends inadvertently, and using it as you would any other weapon.

While I won't make any claim to having much of this myself yet, there are a couple of seniors in our dojo who do this very effectively... they are the nicest guys most of the time, but when they put on their "kata" face, it is very intimidating and you just gulp... in sparring they tend to dominate their opponents before even moving in the ring.


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## Trent (Mar 22, 2007)

Reading the original post, it could be your "evil looking" face scared him to the point that he doesn't consider being safe around you anymore, but it could be simply that the face offended him and he has decided your lack of ability to take a joke simply isn't worth your company.

I'm not going to describe myself as it isn't relevant, but I will say that in life I've had people give me what they considered intimidating or angry looks (from law enforcment, prosecutors, U.S. Attorneys, federal agents, legislative bodies, etc.), and I haven't been frightened since I was a young adolescent.  I'm much older (read decades) than that now. If I were joking around, and someone gave me a look that indicated they were angry, I may ignore it, or I may apologize to keep the social function moving if they were a real friend to make them feel better (perhaps I did misspeak or they had a bad day).  I may pick on the person some more to see if they were joking about the look, and call them out on it, or I might decide the person was an individual with a poor disposition and simply not worth my time and ignore them for the rest of my days.  But I surely wouldn't be afraid of them.


Since the guy did approach you later and make a statement, or reference it, later on, I didn't get the impression he was afraid of you.  But he did seem offended.  There is a big difference.


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## Gray Phoenix (Mar 23, 2007)

The subtle changes in the way a person carries themselves, stands, focuses or whatever are what this person picked up on. There is something almost on a genetic level in people that gives us the ability to recognize a predator. 
I suspect you gave a predator like look, and that is frightening to many people. Martial Artists are trained to have that look even if we have been told. Its a level of confidense. A lawyer once came to our dojo and told our Professor that he was there to learn something very specific, but did not know what it was. He stayed in our dojo for a few months and then one day todl the prof. that he had learned what he came to learn. it was how to intimidate indirectly, in order to manipulate his juries through body language. this is something I am slowly, oh so very slowyly learning to control. 

Of course there is the metaphysics of it as well, if you believe in that kind of stuff. Did you do something to change your aura, presence, or what ever you want to call it. Did that person pick up on it. They way its been described to me: Have you ever been somewhere and got the feeling you were being stared at only to snap your head around and find someone staring at you. The average persons reaction: why is that guy lookin at me? The Martial Artists reaction: How did I know to look?:asian:


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 23, 2007)

Trent said:


> Reading the original post, it could be your "evil looking" face scared him to the point that he doesn't consider being safe around you anymore, but it could be simply that the face offended him and he has decided your lack of ability to take a joke simply isn't worth your company.
> 
> I'm not going to describe myself as it isn't relevant, but I will say that in life I've had people give me what they considered intimidating or angry looks (from law enforcment, prosecutors, U.S. Attorneys, federal agents, legislative bodies, etc.), and I haven't been frightened since I was a young adolescent. I'm much older (read decades) than that now. If I were joking around, and someone gave me a look that indicated they were angry, I may ignore it, or I may apologize to keep the social function moving if they were a real friend to make them feel better (perhaps I did misspeak or they had a bad day). I may pick on the person some more to see if they were joking about the look, and call them out on it, or I might decide the person was an individual with a poor disposition and simply not worth my time and ignore them for the rest of my days. But I surely wouldn't be afraid of them.
> 
> ...


I think you are on to something. In my defense I came down with the flu the next day; so, I was probably feverish and in a bad disposition to begin with. I intend to speak to hem about the incident when I next see him.
Sean


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 23, 2007)

Gray Phoenix said:


> The subtle changes in the way a person carries themselves, stands, focuses or whatever are what this person picked up on. There is something almost on a genetic level in people that gives us the ability to recognize a predator.
> I suspect you gave a predator like look, and that is frightening to many people. Martial Artists are trained to have that look even if we have been told. Its a level of confidense. A lawyer once came to our dojo and told our Professor that he was there to learn something very specific, but did not know what it was. He stayed in our dojo for a few months and then one day todl the prof. that he had learned what he came to learn. it was how to intimidate indirectly, in order to manipulate his juries through body language. this is something I am slowly, oh so very slowyly learning to control.
> 
> Of course there is the metaphysics of it as well, if you believe in that kind of stuff. Did you do something to change your aura, presence, or what ever you want to call it. Did that person pick up on it. They way its been described to me: Have you ever been somewhere and got the feeling you were being stared at only to snap your head around and find someone staring at you. The average persons reaction: why is that guy lookin at me? The Martial Artists reaction: How did I know to look?:asian:


Believe me, I felt predatorial; so, I imagine it showed.
Sean


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