# being discreet yet honest...?



## NSRTKD (Sep 26, 2011)

I had surgery of a rather mild nature last week, and I'm not interested in explaining my medical situation to everyone at the school. This week I am easing back into class, but I'm unable to do half of the warmups and have to keep cardio and impact to a minimum. My sahbumnim has thankfully allowed me to participate at half speed in class, standing in the back and helping the beginner students. But I'm getting my fair share of snotty glares (from the teenage crowd) and subtle suggestions from adults ("looks like someone overdid it finally" which is far from true but I haven't wanted to argue) and of course, frustration from my own children that I'm not required to function at the same pace as everyone else right now. I feel like people are either angry or pleased in a nasty way that I'm currently down and out. Of course there are the few who know my actual situation, but for the others who usually see me working as hard as I can five days a week, I seem to be struggling to come up with an answer/appropriate reaction to the mild hostility. I don't want to say I had surgery, because its frankly no ones business and I don't feel like answering the "for what?" Response. I'm on restrictions for at least two weeks, after taking a full week completely off. Any thoughts on this, or similar experiences? I value my own honesty and like to demonstrate honesty for my children, but am feeling the need for discretion for myself. We have a bunch of new students... I'm being a poor example for their parents to witness, and making higher ranking students uncomfortable that I'm assisting new students instead of working hard (all with sahbumnim's support and approval of course). Should I try to say more about why to those who express frustration, or ignore the attitudes I'm being thrown unless directly asked?


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## Jenna (Sep 27, 2011)

I can understand entirely how you must be feeling naomisarah. 

While I think truth is the simplest policy and requires least machination, as we know, that is not always practical or even advisable.  The fact is though I think that if you are going to play a role suggesting you are fully fit then I think unfortunately you cannot expect sympathy from nor can you blame those in your class who are not apprised of the real truth of your situation.  I think if you require their understanding then they must be made aware (to whichever extent you are comfortable with) of the reality of your physical condition.

I can fully understand the predicament you are in as I am often in a similar (though different) predicament with family.  I see it as my choice not to divulge and but the flipside of that coin is that it is wholly my responsibility to expect no sympathy from them for a situation they will never fully understand.

I think in the end, your action depends upon what you specifically need from the people involved, your class partners, your students etc.  Once you have determined that, you can more ably decide whether to reveal the truth or part of it, or whether to go with their humour in that vein, or to divert attention away or ignore it or whichever course it might be.  Wishes, Jenna.


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## NSRTKD (Sep 27, 2011)

Thanks, Jenna... though I am not presenting myself as fully fit, which is evidenced by my standing in the back of the class, rather than up with my belt rank. There seems to be a lot if pressure over what's wrong, or the assumption that I injured myself in class, etc. Does that make sense?


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## Jenna (Sep 27, 2011)

naomisarah said:


> Thanks, Jenna... though I am not presenting myself as fully fit, which is evidenced by my standing in the back of the class, rather than up with my belt rank. There seems to be a lot if pressure over what's wrong, or the assumption that I injured myself in class, etc. Does that make sense?


From what you are saying naomisarah, I am getting the impression there is a mixture of horse-around mockery and genuine concern for your wellbeing, particularly since the idea of class injury is always in our minds and is something we are all aware and cautious of so it is natural that your class partners draw these, albeit incorrect, conclusions.  In the end though, your business is your business and nobody has the right to pressurise you into divulging anything you do not want to.  

Having said that, I would suggest maybe if they do not know they are *not* *supposed to *be not asking you about something then they will likewise not know not to ask.  I hope that makes sense, forgive me for my English.

Though I would not wish to advise you on what you know best, I do know that if you at least make allusion to your surgery then those who have genuine concern will realign their attitude towards you in class.  And those that do not care about us, well they do not care about us anyway and that is ok too.

I think you are a confident woman naomisarah, pick your path through your recuperation and continued training (and well done for your determination to train even with injury!) and stick with it and do not be diverted.  At the same time, we all understand that those not party to the reality of our situations cannot always guess, however educated, how best to treat us unless we make clear to them.  Wishes as ever for full and pacey recovery, Jenna.


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## SuperFLY (Sep 27, 2011)

honestly i've scanned your post rather than read everything but it seems that you're getting concerned over what the rest of the class might be thinking.

end of the day, who cares what other people think?

if it is really bothering you, you could have your sensei say you've had surgery recently so are taking it a bit easy for a while to stop the guessing but again, its their problem if it bothers them that you're not going full pelt not yours

forgive me if im way off base here


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## NSRTKD (Sep 27, 2011)

Hmm, it seems I have a few things to clarify.

Jenna - I think my original post was too vague, but that's partly because this is a public forum and I don't want to label people by their specific behaviors in the interest of discretion... but the "mockery" style horse-around you're talking about is much more toned down than that, just under-the-breath comments from just a couple of people and a few snide glares, and as far as genuine concern, yes there is that, but among teenagers who are only concerned about rank and the privileges that come with rank (IE helping younger students) they seem to be disgruntled with what they perceive as favoritism. This isn't a blatant, outright teasing scenario, as I fear my OP may have implied... for that I am sorry.

Superfly, you're partly right for sure that I'm concerned about what they are thinking, but there's a bit more to it than that... a little bit of history is required, I think. I had a life-threatening, major surgery last year, so my own oldest child (5) is very strongly impacted by use of the word "surgery" - so I have avoided using it. But along the same lines as my dodging that word, when I said to my kids (and another 2 kids in the class) who asked why I was kicking so badly, that I had a sore tummy from going to the doctor so I couldn't kick above my belt, they started kicking low too (these kids, mine included, get bored and lazy-acting quite easily) and said they had sore tummies. The parents of the other two kids, who watch rather than participate, seemed really disgruntled, though I can't be sure if that was with me or their children. I suppose teaching them why I am standing in the back of the class falls more on them than me... but with my own child, I'm left struggling for words on why it's acceptable for me to be kicking poorly and not for them.

I guess I'm partly just whining, and for that I apologize, it's not a nice situation for me but it will pass, yet I'd like to do all I can to preserve relationships in the time being, and to encourage the younger kids including my own to continue to work hard regardless of what they see from an "injured" adult. MOST of the class has been understanding and accepting (and minding their own business) aside from the few who are being rude, and the few that do know the real reason have been endlessly supportive. At least I'm participating, rather than sitting out, which will help my recovery and return to activity go smoothly.

Anyways, thanks again for the thoughts on this. Sorry I'm whining, just trying to figure out the best way to manage the next couple of weeks, because after the tension last night I was left feeling like it might be best to sit out after all. If it weren't for the kids in class, I would probably adopt your perspective entirely, Superfly - as in, why should I care? But alas, I have to do more explaining to children than to adults.


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## Tez3 (Sep 27, 2011)

This isn't whining! I do have concerns over the type of people that are in the class though.  I also have concerns over the way the Chief Instructor is allowing this type of behaviour, 'snide glares', 'under the breath comment' etc. it doesn't sound like a healthy place to train tbh.
 We are an MMA club, supposed by many to have no manners or traditions, we also have teenagers, if one of us is injured we only need to say we are taking it easy because of injury (without specifying what or where the injury was picked up if you don't want to) and everyone is fine with it. Our chief instructor would be down like a ton on bricks on anyone saying anything or acting up as would I.


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## NSRTKD (Sep 27, 2011)

Thanks, Tez - this is all kinda before/after class during stretching behaviors with the adults/teens, and I'm hoping to resolve it quietly without having to involve the chief instructor, since she is trying to be discreet as well because she knows I don't want my condition advertised. For the young kids who are being difficult, the chief instructor is dealing with promptly and actively, by directly telling the kids that they cannot be lazy just because they see someone else doing reduced work. I'm just looking for ways to help in the matter myself...


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## Steve (Sep 27, 2011)

I sincerely, honestly don't understand why you're in this situation.  It sounds to me like a couple of things are going on.  First, you train with a bunch of snots.  I personally wouldn't train in that environment.

Second, who gives a rat's *** what anyone in that class thinks?  So what if they give you stink eye or make snide comments.  The fact that they're doing those things is a good indication that they aren't worth your time. 

The person who is most responsible for your health and safety is you.  Take care of yourself.  Stay healthy.  Train more.  Worry less about things that you can't control.  And consider that the students are a reflection of the instructor.   If your training partners are as unsympathetic to someone who is obviously nursing an injury of some kind, I'd find some place with higher caliber partners.


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## Tez3 (Sep 27, 2011)

naomisarah said:


> Thanks, Tez - this is all kinda before/after class during stretching behaviors with the adults/teens, and I'm hoping to resolve it quietly without having to involve the chief instructor, since she is trying to be discreet as well because she knows I don't want my condition advertised. For the young kids who are being difficult, the chief instructor is dealing with promptly and actively, by directly telling the kids that they cannot be lazy just because they see someone else doing reduced work. I'm just looking for ways to help in the matter myself...



I understand discretion but with us, 'I'm injured' does it, although we usually do discuss injuries so as to find the best solution for them if I said, I'm injured or on light duties the guys wouldn't ask if I didn't tell them, they'd just say 'don't overdo it' or something similiar. We all have to work so can't afford to aggravate injuries etc in training so quite often you will hear someone say they are taking it easy in training. No one thinks it's laziness or uses it as an excuse to be lazy themselves. Saying 'doc's orders' should be enough to stop people guessing too or just drop a casual 'I'll be glad when the doc says I can train properly again' would do it too. If they ask what's wrong you can either drop a funny answer ie 'I was fighting in a full pro rules MMA comp, got hurt but I really  beat up the _man _I was fighting' and laugh or you can say none of your business.


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## Steve (Sep 27, 2011)

Tez3 said:


> I understand discretion but with us, 'I'm injured' does it, although we usually do discuss injuries so as to find the best solution for them if I said, I'm injured or on light duties the guys wouldn't ask if I didn't tell them, they'd just say 'don't overdo it' or something similiar. We all have to work so can't afford to aggravate injuries etc in training so quite often you will hear someone say they are taking it easy in training. No one thinks it's laziness or uses it as an excuse to be lazy themselves. Saying 'doc's orders' should be enough to stop people guessing too or just drop a casual 'I'll be glad when the doc says I can train properly again' would do it too. If they ask what's wrong you can either drop a funny answer ie 'I was fighting in a full pro rules MMA comp, got hurt but I really  beat up the _man _I was fighting' and laugh or you can say none of your business.


YES.  This is what I have in mind, too.  And there isn't one person at my school who would think anything of it.


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## NSRTKD (Sep 27, 2011)

I am in this situation because quite simply, I haven't said anything AT ALL. I like the idea of simply saying "Doc's orders!" and am going to employ that technique tonight.

YES there are some snots in my school. Small town, limited opportunities for students to diversify, and students who are relatively new-ish, or returning from summer break where they haven't trained one bit and I have continued, and probably are being snottishly envious. But "a bunch of" is an overstatement - as I've said repeatedly, we're talking one or two adults and a couple of teens, whom I have yet to engage on the matter, but will try the blunt "Doc's orders" tonight. Thanks guys


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## jks9199 (Sep 27, 2011)

Tez3 said:


> I understand discretion but with us, 'I'm injured' does it, although we usually do discuss injuries so as to find the best solution for them if I said, I'm injured or on light duties the guys wouldn't ask if I didn't tell them, they'd just say 'don't overdo it' or something similiar. We all have to work so can't afford to aggravate injuries etc in training so quite often you will hear someone say they are taking it easy in training. No one thinks it's laziness or uses it as an excuse to be lazy themselves. Saying 'doc's orders' should be enough to stop people guessing too or just drop a casual 'I'll be glad when the doc says I can train properly again' would do it too. If they ask what's wrong you can either drop a funny answer ie 'I was fighting in a full pro rules MMA comp, got hurt but I really  beat up the _man _I was fighting' and laugh or you can say none of your business.



Exactly.  Tell them that you're a bit under the weather, and that's all they need to know.  You don't need to share the details with anyone other than your family.  Your lead instructors need to know your limitations -- not the reasons why.  I'll use an extreme example that I doubt is the case here.  Let's say you had open heart surgery last week.  OK, you should tell them no contact, that you can't handle pushups, and whatever else a doctor says.  They don't need to know it was from open heart surgery.  Your classmates?  They just need to know enough about it to train with you.

Oh... and for the kids being lazy?  Don't let 'em.  Simply don't tolerate it.


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## NSRTKD (Sep 27, 2011)

Well tonight's class was a totally different story! It was a class loaded with brand new 2nd day students, so sahbumnim asked me to watch the yellow belts do their forms and correct stances, technique, positioning, etc. It was really fun to lead a group for the 1st time, AND my 2 yellow belts were in the group so I was able to thoroughly not tolerate the laziness. I did have one mother ask me my situation, and I replied simply, "Doctor's orders, I'm restricted for a couple weeks" and was met with nothing but compassion and acceptance. Thanks for the help everyone - like I said, this is my first time handling being sidelined, so I didn't know the best way to go about things.


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