# *is freaking out*



## Sam (Mar 2, 2005)

A relative, today, after making me swear not to tell a living soul...

confided in me that she is running away in 8 days to New York. And then plans to move to japan. to further her training.

She turned 18 recently. she can legally do whatever she wants, almost.

But how can I NOT tell her mom?

I mean, she's mad over a boyfriend and rent issue. She's an adult and can do it if she wants... but sneaking to the airport at 4 am doesnt seem to be the way to do it.

I promised not to tell (before knowing what the secret was. she said it was on a "need to know" basis. I didnt think it was something like this! I thought it was something good!!!)

but it seems like if I dont tell her mom, her mom'll be mad at me if she finds out I knew, and if I do, she'll be furious I told her mom...

god, remind me to never make another promise again.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do


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## shesulsa (Mar 2, 2005)

Samantha ... you said she is mad over a boyfriend and rent issue.

 I don't think we have enough information to help you on this.  But if you feel this is really, really wrong, you are obligated as a relative to do what you need to do - tell YOUR parents and express to them what you have told us here.


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## DarrenJew (Mar 2, 2005)

Plans often change, especially where a young uninformed mind is making a decision. Well New York... Does she plan to stay in contact with you while in New York? What is she going to use for finances to prepare this adventure to Japan? Is she planning to runaway with a friend? 

You may be alienated by her if you tell her family. Escalating the problem when her parents confront her with this problem.... If she is having "rent" issues at home now, there is no way she could survive very long in New York... let alone purchase air tickets to Japan.

If you think she will stay in contact with you while on this adventure:

I say tell her parents, and inform them that they may escalate the problem if they confront her with this knowledge. Let them know you will be her contact while she is in New York and if they expose your cover they may escalate the problem. In the mean time They should treat her really nice, it could be possible she will become homesick and want to return home if she feels strongly about missing her family. (ever go away to college... at first its a grand adventure... soon most kids become homesick and miss their parents... this can be used to there advantage as long as they play along.)

If you will not be her contact and plans to run away with said boy friend... or someone else, then I still say tell her parents. I would ask them not to play up on the ultimatums as much as using guilt. Young adult may respond better to guilt.... We support your decision if this is what you really want. Our door is always open for you and we love you dearly. We will miss you, we will worry about you and please call home often.... (You may have to suffer the hit for telling, but if she has a cohort in this plan, things can really get out of hand because misery loves company... and it brings in too many other alternative that can go wrong.)
Not knowing the whole situation... I cant recommend this positively will fit your situation, but it may give you something to think about.


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## The Kai (Mar 2, 2005)

there is a cliche that says "Friends don't tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear"  You need to talk to her!


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## TigerWoman (Mar 2, 2005)

I would also say tell her parents.  If they are the type of parents that care and love her, they would be crazed out of their mind worrying about her.  No one should put their parents through that either.  She can't survive in New York let alone get a ticket to Japan, an even more dangerous environment for an American young naive girl.  Sometimes being a friend means more than an confidence sworn to be secret when it may (and probably would) endanger her life.  It is harder to do the right thing, but in your heart, Samantha, you already know what the right thing is to do.

My daughter, now 20, finally after a year of hell, did tell what was going on with her.  She was moving to AZ to be with a boyfriend she met over the internet.  She went to him sight unseen prior to that!  The same weekend a girl in Minnesota disappeared to be found dead later and we as parents had no clue, as to address of the boy, what city in AZ, phone, or his last name!  Then she didn't even call us when she got back to college here in MN!  So far even with our help and the boyfriends, she is not surviving on her own.  If she had taken our advice, her life and ours would have been easier and more productive-year behind in college now and lost 4 jobs.  Sometimes logic has to rule over passion, even passion of anger.  I hope the parents can talk to her before she makes this rash decision.  Do the right thing.  TW


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## Deuce (Mar 2, 2005)

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with this girl, but before I tell her parents I would try to convince her to re-think her plans. I would lay a guilt trip on her about what it would do to her parents etc.. Let her know how stupid and irresponsible you think this idea is. Tell that she is a young adult and should start acting like it. Ask about how she plans to finace her trip. She may initially be upset with you, but hopefully she'll rationally think about what she's doing. If that dosen't work, then tell her that you have to tell her parents and tell them. This is what I might do in a similar situation.


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## TigerWoman (Mar 2, 2005)

Deuce said:
			
		

> I don't know what kind of relationship you have with this girl, but before I tell her parents I would try to convince her to re-think her plans. I would lay a guilt trip on her about what it would do to her parents etc.. Let her know how stupid and irresponsible you think this idea is. Tell that she is a young adult and should start acting like it. Ask about how she plans to finace her trip. She may initially be upset with you, but hopefully she'll rationally think about what she's doing. If that dosen't work, then tell her that you have to tell her parents and tell them. This is what I might do in a similar situation.



I don't think that they, who are in this already angry frame of mind, at that age, really care what their parents go through. Its all about "me" then.  Plus the fact they are trying to become individuals, made their own decisions, and make it in this world.  Telling her before the parents might just hasten the trip out, trying to avoid the confrontation perceived with the parents.  It might he good to have another individual, someone experienced with runaways and what happens to them at that parent meeting. Then its not me against "them".  TW


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## terryl965 (Mar 2, 2005)

If she is truely a friend then you are obligated to sit her down and talk. Friends no matter what the out come is need to be there to knock some sense in when emotions take over. This is a perfect stituation for that converstation to take place, you know she is not thinking straight so sey her down and give her the pro's and con's of her decisssion. GOD BLESS AMERICA


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## Ceicei (Mar 2, 2005)

Samantha said:
			
		

> I promised not to tell (before knowing what the secret was. she said it was on a "need to know" basis. I didnt think it was something like this! I thought it was something good!!!)


 On a "need to know" basis? Her parents need to know...   With that clause in there, it appears she had indirectly given you permission to tell.

  - Ceicei


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## loki09789 (Mar 2, 2005)

Samantha said:
			
		

> But how can I NOT tell her mom?
> 
> 
> I have no idea what I'm gonna do


You have answered your own question because you DO know what you want to/need to do.  How can you "NOT" tell according to your own mind.

Yes, you may be breaking a promise and risking some emotional responses, but that is the thing about doing the right thing (if that is what you think telling her mom is) - it isn't 'easy' even though it may be 'right' or 'simple.'

This sounds like anxiety over what you know you want to do and not really indecision.


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## Flatlander (Mar 2, 2005)

I don't know, guys. One fundamental precept of "growing up" is that people will make mistakes. I am a firm believer that the very best lessons in life, that is to say, the ones that we value the most, are the ones that we learn on our own. 

If this girl is 18 years old, she's old enough to make her own decisions.

I figure that you, Samantha, need to revisit exactly who you are in this, and what responsibilities you actually have.

You say that you are her friend - she has confided something in you, and trusted you to keep that information private. There's a reason that she wants to keep it private - ought you not respect that, as a friend?

However, if you decide that your loyalties lie with her parents, or if you feel that her parents are better able to make her decisions for her, and you are really only concerned about her own well being, then by all means, tell them.

Above all, do not be a hypocrite. How would you feel if the roles were reversed here?

In closing, let me just add that there are a number of assumptions and suppositions that have been made throughout this thread so far regarding what "harmful" things "may" befall her. Let us not lose sight of the potentially "wonderful" and "eye opening" experiences she may miss out on if her plans are usurped. 

I agree that this is likely a difficult problem for you. Are you her keeper, or confidant?


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## oldnewbie (Mar 2, 2005)

Look at the possible consequences of either choice:

 1. You don't tell... could be okay, or any number of "bad" things could happen to her.

 2. You do tell....she's fine, but upset with you, but get's over it. OR she's fine, and never talks to you again. Either way She is fine.

 I advise you to tell her Parents. She is not in a frame of mind to make a good decision. It's her Parents job to take care of her, not yours. It's unfair to put this kind of burden on your sholders. Once her Parents know, they can watch her more closely in the future.

 By the way, an Adult is a frame of mind not a number.

 My 2 cents


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## Tgace (Mar 2, 2005)

An 18 y.o. girl will probably never even make it out of NYC...and I dont even want to go into what sort of things she could fall into there.

A friend doesn't sit back and watch somebody do something dangerous/stupid just so they can learn from their own mistakes. If this was a mature woman with financial, educational and employment assets looking to make a mark on the world Id say "go for it"...an 18 y.o. with boyfriend/rent problems though? A train wreck waiting to happen.


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## mj-hi-yah (Mar 2, 2005)

Lots of great, meaningful thoughts on this thread so far Samantha, as a parent I'd really want to know, but as an 18 year old adult I'd probably want you to respect my privacy and honor my confidence.  The funny thing is though, her situation does not sound stable, why leave in the middle of the night and not tell anyone? She may have told you hoping you would intervene help her or talk her out of it.  Do you get that feeling at all?  It's too hard to judge that from here.  How responsible is she normally?  Does she have money?  A place to stay?  Discuss these things with her.  If you decide not to tell her parents then talk to her about how her parents love and care about her (if you know they do)  and advise her to let you let them know that she is ok, at the very least you should convince her to give you a number where they can reach her in NY.  Parents worry about their children no matter what their age and she at least owes it to them to let them know she is ok.


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## Tgace (Mar 2, 2005)

An 18 yo is an "adult" as much as a new white belt stepping onto the dojo floor for the first time is a "martial artist"...as always thats just IMO.


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## Kenpo Mama (Mar 2, 2005)

Samantha, your friend reached out to you and really needs some guidance on this issue.  She said it was on a "need to know basis", well now you know, and if you feel she may be making a "mistake" take some time, sit her down, and talk to her.  

NY is not a place to just come to and "show" up!  You need to have a place to stay - or - no kidding "bad" things do happen!  Find out what her plans are - is she planning on renting an apartment?  Get yourself a copy of the NEW YORK TIMES real estate section and show her how much it costs to live here and God forbid she ends up with some wacky roomates.  Even a little hole in the wall is thousands of dollars a month.  What is she planning to do when she gets here?  Really make her look at her "plan".  Making mistakes is one thing, but this is a dangerous mistake.   My feelings are too that she won't make it to Japan.

If you don't get anywhere with her, then honestly i would talk to your parents and ask their advice on the situation.  As a parent i would want to know.  Good luck and please keep us posted.

Donna :asian:


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## Flatlander (Mar 2, 2005)

One other thing that I wanted to mention is that maybe you might encourage her to discuss this with her parents on her own.  It seems to me that would be the most "adult" way for her to handle this.


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## Lisa (Mar 2, 2005)

Samantha, 

I think you have answered your own question already.  Obviously an 18 year old "running away" in the middle of the night doesn't come across as the most mature, level headed person.  To me, and this is just MHO, if she was mature and level headed she would have thought all of this out a little farther and would have job opportunities, a place to live and the blessings and support of her parents.  As much as I agree with Flatlander that she could be missing an awesome opportunity, I worry that her lack of planning and attitude that it is running away, leaves her vulnerable to a crap load of problems.

If it were me, and I realise it is not, I would first be having a long talk with her and asking her WTF?

My post is making a lot of assumptions too so please forgive me if I am going in the wrong direction.


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## mj-hi-yah (Mar 2, 2005)

Tgace I get your point and I agree that most 18 year olds are lacking in experience, and 18 is a real inbetween time. I do know some really responsible 18 year olds who are much more adult than children and I believe could handle this journey, and I know some fifty year olds who are much more children than adult and I know could not handle this.  I think this thread, with it's many opinions, reflects the conflicting thoughts our society has for 18 year olds.  Our laws don't even fully support an 18 year old's adulthood.  She can live on her own, serve in the army and be a parent, but in NY anyway she can't buy alcohol.  From the sound of this post this girl is living on her own already though, so her parents may no longer be in control of her decisions.  

There is too much we don't know about this particular 18 year old to say how responsible she is or is not.  I feel we need more information.


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## Tgace (Mar 2, 2005)

True...the pure fact that problems with her life are driving her to this decision is a big red flag to me though.


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## mj-hi-yah (Mar 2, 2005)

Tgace said:
			
		

> True...the pure fact that problems with her life are driving her to this decision is a big red flag to me though.


Agreed...


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## loki09789 (Mar 2, 2005)

Flatlander said:
			
		

> I don't know, guys. One fundamental precept of "growing up" is that people will make mistakes. I am a firm believer that the very best lessons in life, that is to say, the ones that we value the most, are the ones that we learn on our own.
> 
> If this girl is 18 years old, she's old enough to make her own decisions.
> 
> ...


Or....she confided in her friend hoping that Sam would bail her out because she wants her mother or someone to find out but doesn't have the fortitude, conscious will or what ever to do it herself.....

I can't assume the motives or reasons for her friend confiding in Sam, all I can do is deal with what Sam seems to think is the correct choice and that can only come from her own words.


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## Sam (Mar 2, 2005)

I don't know where the term 'friend' came from. I like her and we get along, but she lives halfway across the country. she's my relative! Much more so than a friend, I can only see her like twice a year.

I asked her what her plans are - she has a friend there who already has an apartment and she's gonna live with her and pay rent to her. And she's been invited to train in japan at two different universities. Her parents and coach don't like her BF, and at a tournament they were caught together alone, and her caoch told her mom and her mom is furious and says now that she is 18 she has to pay rent and her coach basically wants nothing to do with her. (I asked her specifically about the coach but she didn't want to talk about it - I got the impression that he was very angry and dissapointed but not that he didnt want to train her anymore) so her mentality is "screw that, if I have to pay rent I'll do it somewhere where I can do whatever I want"

The reason I'm sort of "ugh should I tell" is that its the kind of thing she would do and its the kind of thing she might actually pull off. But it's gonna be really really bad for her career, and she's gonna get her family furious with her, and she admitted that the whole point of going was to "get on her own two feet and level my head"

that doesnt seem the way to do it to me...

I still have 7 days to think about it anyway


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## Tgace (Mar 2, 2005)

Heck if she has a plan,place,options and opportunity....go for it I guess.


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## Ceicei (Mar 2, 2005)

Tgace said:
			
		

> Heck if she has a plan,place,options and opportunity....go for it I guess.


 She might have a place and opportunity, but money?? It is expensive to live there and in order to pay rent, she must have money. Even with finding a "minimum wage" job, it is going to be a big challenge to make it independently in NY. Transportation is another issue. I hope she has a plan already with her financial situation.

 She needs to do her "homework" by doing research now about the area where she plans to live, before she moves there--rent and shelter expenses, available transportation, average income and types of job opportunities for a person with her skills/talents, proximity to locations where she will frequent, as well as population demographics, etc.

  - Ceicei


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## DarrenJew (Mar 2, 2005)

The compassion expressed in this forum is out of the ordinary... especially for the cold heated forums that are known to be pervasive on the internet. 

With the light of new information that youve presented to us I agree with Tgrace. It may be time to break those apron strings. You cant be a child forever. If she has a place to go and a plan let her have a taste of freedom.  She will know before long if her wings are developed enough to fly If not the porch light should stay lit for a while. If she is successful then its sometimes hard to go back home no-matter how much we want to.

I wish her all the best. As for the people on this forum should be proud of the support that they have shown on this thread. All posts have taken this matter seriously and have not made light of the problem. You ppl really sometimes impress me!


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## rutherford (Mar 2, 2005)

You said you thought this would be bad for her career.  What kind of career does she have at 18?

In my opinion, you haven't given any good reasons for breaking her trust. 

As for the 4am flight, it was probably the cheapest.


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## Sam (Mar 2, 2005)

her martial arts career. She's pretty prolific.


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## terryl965 (Mar 2, 2005)

Samantha said:
			
		

> I don't know where the term 'friend' came from. I like her and we get along, but she lives halfway across the country. she's my relative! Much more so than a friend, I can only see her like twice a year.
> 
> I asked her what her plans are - she has a friend there who already has an apartment and she's gonna live with her and pay rent to her. And she's been invited to train in japan at two different universities. Her parents and coach don't like her BF, and at a tournament they were caught together alone, and her caoch told her mom and her mom is furious and says now that she is 18 she has to pay rent and her coach basically wants nothing to do with her. (I asked her specifically about the coach but she didn't want to talk about it - I got the impression that he was very angry and dissapointed but not that he didnt want to train her anymore) so her mentality is "screw that, if I have to pay rent I'll do it somewhere where I can do whatever I want"
> 
> ...


Samantha if she has a plan and she is a relitive my bad a thought friend. Support her decission and let her wings flourish on her own. Sound like she has everything worked out. Her career what career when I was 18 I hicthhike across this great country you could do that then and had a blast me and my friend planned the trip out and was gone for 3 months we did alright. some of my foundest memories is of that summer. Stand by if she needs your help and go from there. GOD BLESS AMERICA


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## Sam (Mar 2, 2005)

you must have started posting before I did. Her martial arts career. she's pretty prolific.


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## Ceicei (Mar 2, 2005)

Samantha said:
			
		

> her martial arts career. She's pretty prolific.


 Does she already have a training place in NY?  

 Ummm. This just reminds me of the histories of some kenpoists who left for California with almost nothing on their backs and some without a place to live. Under Grandmaster Parker's guidance, they became today's well known leaders in the Kenpo society. 

 If your relative is already a "prolific martial artist" and she has located a training place within her style, perhaps even teach there (if her rank, knowledge, and experience are of sufficient level acceptable to that place to teach and earn $ at the same time). That will be a good way to start before going to Japan for further martial arts training.

         - Ceicei


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## TigerWoman (Mar 2, 2005)

At 18 one is fearless, I was at 19.  Hard to tell my daughter the world is a hard place. But you really have to plan, and have money.  I did both and lasted less than a year in art school in Denver alone. My daughter "winged" it also and would have failed going across the country but for the gas money, I gave her. She would have been stuck in her bf's parent's apartment had I not gotten her first apartment for other reasons too. It goes on from there.  No plans, no money, she probably won't last a few months and that's being generous.  New York people will tell you that.  Tell her parents, maybe they can get through to her to plan first. TW


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## terryl965 (Mar 2, 2005)

Samantha said:
			
		

> you must have started posting before I did. Her martial arts career. she's pretty prolific.


Well then let her experiment with her Art and she if she can do it. If her leaving means better training and thats what she want stand by her and help her fulfill her quest.


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## DarrenJew (Mar 2, 2005)

Funny how girls alway's (often) find it necessary to have their independence at a early age. My sister was the same way. At 18 wanted and apartment and do her own things, she was an adult and had something to prove to herself. Funny how my brother and I would have been happy to stay home till the age of 30 but things come up and life leads you onto your own paths whether your ready or not.

Things happen the road of life is not a straight one. On a bad note. My sister moved out got her taste of freedom. Our mom was very upset, before the year was up she died of an aneurism. My mom and my sisters used to be best friends at one point in their lives. My sister never got to say Good Bye to mom, and will always live with the memory and guilt of disappointment the last year of our moms life. I hope things work out better for your relative.


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## lulflo (Mar 2, 2005)

It sounds like some psychology is in order here to get her to tell her family on her own. This is kind of a ploy, but you can probably pull it off if you want to. 


How about if you tell her that you are going to go with her. Get really excited with her about everything that you are going to do, and REALLY plan it out, on paper to show what is needed to make the trip happen, then after you have spent the time (gaining her confidence), let her know that although she doesn't want to tell anyone about it, that you would like to make sure that you inform your loved ones, etc and that way they won't be worried about you and all the great stuff that goes along with that conversation. I am thinking that after hearing your rational ideas about how you want to make all of it ACTUALLY work and the facts about what you are doing, that she will come to her senses a little or a lot. You can probably back out of the whole thing really easily by talking about all of the things you are going to miss and the opportunities that will be wasted by leaving in the middle of your situation. I still think she will have the conversation in her head about talking to her family after listening to your rational thoughts. 

Either way, it is just another possibility.

Good Luck.

Larry


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## mj-hi-yah (Mar 2, 2005)

DarrenJew said:
			
		

> Things happen the road of life is not a straight one. On a bad note. My sister moved out got her taste of freedom. Our mom was very upset, before the year was up she died of an aneurism. My mom and my sisters used to be best friends at one point in their lives. My sister never got to say Good Bye to mom, and will always live with the memory and guilt of disappointment the last year of our moms life. I hope things work out better for your relative.


Sorry to hear about your loss. I hope your sister can find peace with it. :asian:


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## Kelligren (Mar 2, 2005)

I've been a rebellious teenager and a dad. And at 18, no way I was mature, even if the law said I was. 

Tell the parents.


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## DarrenJew (Mar 2, 2005)

mj-hi-yah
Thank you, it happened in 1984, almost 21 years ago. But its funny how somethings stick in your mind and still feel like yesterday. I dont recommend holding grudges in family disputes... Especially with parents, life is too short, and though parents often seem pretty invincible, they can be taken away rather suddenly and I do not think anyone is ever prepared when it actually happens. My only advice... for those that still have parents, dont forget to tell them you love them...


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## OULobo (Mar 7, 2005)

I know when I got back from college I had an education, but no real direction, so I returned home to two very welcoming parents. I spent a year at home and in that year my father and I had alomst come to blows twice. It just wasn't healthy to stay around. I moved out to pursue a relationship and to get some distance from home. The truth is that it worked and was one of the best things I ever did. I became closer to my parents with the extra space to grow and I learned the value of some independance that you can't get at college. Two years later my father died of a cancer relapse bout that lasted less than a week. I was glad I had those two years of true friendship instead of constant headbutting.


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## 47MartialMan (Mar 7, 2005)

Tell her if she believes she is such an adult, than she should talk this over with her parents-no matter the outcome.
Obviously she is not an adult if she plans on "running away" from her problems. If she was such, why is the drinking age 21? Hmmnnn.....

You are the "in-between". Therefore, you must help her understand. I understand the need for confidence, but what if such confidence will bring more harm?

Talk them into staying around for a little longer. Give them other things to focus on. Let them meet new people and do new things. Find a place for them to stay, per a new roomate. Perhaps a new town not so distant would be a fresh start.


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## loki09789 (Mar 11, 2005)

47MartialMan said:
			
		

> Tell her if she believes she is such an adult, than she should talk this over with her parents-no matter the outcome.
> Obviously she is not an adult if she plans on "running away" from her problems. If she was such, why is the drinking age 21? Hmmnnn.....
> 
> You are the "in-between". Therefore, you must help her understand. I understand the need for confidence, but what if such confidence will bring more harm?
> ...


Well put. As an adult, she should be strong enough to declare her intentions and not fear the reaction of her parents because they have no say in it.

I know I was thinking that I could do whatever I wanted/mature enough....except tell my parents... when I auditioned and took a part in the HS musical after they told me specifically I was not allowed due to grades.

I don't know how many times my students tell me something like "But, if I don't ask you, you can't tell me no..." about something. It is childish to avoid. Confidence will only create more pain, more resentment and more fear for the parents.

Being upfront will send the message that she has her head on straight and is confident. Sneaking will send the message that she is ashamed and childish, thus inflating the parents concern that she may not be prepared/mature enough for such a thing.

She might have nothing bad happen, succeed even BUT the relationship will suffer more than it has to.

I'd be interested in the outcome since once it all comes to a head since you laid it out here anyways.....

so much for avoiding reality TV....


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