# boyfriend lying about his purple belt..



## isabella49 (Jul 25, 2022)

Hi,

I just started BJJ training since 8 month, with no martial art background, and I love it!
I meet that guy 4 month ago and I pretty much enjoy spending time with him. He told me he did train in bjj years ago and he has reach purple belt. I thought it is great that we have things in common

I ask him to spare, just to have a little bit of fun, and couple of times he find weird escuses.. I did insist and he finaly accept. A friend from the bjj club was here to see and film the spar. really surprisly, I made him tapout again and again. I thought at first he was just letting me win but after couple of rounds he seems to have no idea of what he was doing. I got him 6 times in less of 15 minutes until he said he just want to stop.
After that, I did ask him where did he train, for how long exactly and what made him stop. He started to be mad and answer me to stop making police interrogation...
I just dont believe at all he has been a purple belt one day, even if it was way long ago...so why lying about his belt?


----------



## drop bear (Jul 25, 2022)

Because purple belts are the apex of masculinity.

So obviously he would say he is one to impress you. Like being a pilot or an astronaut. Except obviously better.


----------



## Cynik75 (Jul 25, 2022)

You should be glad tha he is fake bjj purple belt -  it is impossible to have sex with true  bjj male pracitioner, cause he will always try to pass your guard or escape the mount.


----------



## isabella49 (Jul 25, 2022)

Look at that..






Is it possible he s really purple belt??


----------



## Tony Dismukes (Jul 25, 2022)

Based on the video and his refusal to tell you when and where he trained, I'd say that it's highly unlikely that he is a legit purple belt. Even if he stopped training a while back, he doesn't appear to be old enough to have completely forgotten everything he would have known as a purple belt. In fact, it doesn't really look like he has any training at all, or at least anything more than a couple of weeks.

As far as why he would lie ... there are plenty of people who will lie about the stupidest crap in an effort to impress others. Some of them are downright pathologic about it. You might want to double-check anything else he has told you about his past and accomplishments.


----------



## lklawson (Jul 25, 2022)

isabella49 said:


> so why lying about his belt?


I have a better question.  Why is he your boyfriend?  

Who cares if he can roll?  What matters is that he's lying to you. 

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


----------



## Buka (Jul 25, 2022)

Give him his walking papers, immediately. (get rid of him now)


----------



## isabella49 (Jul 25, 2022)

Tony Dismukes said:


> Based on the video and his refusal to tell you when and where he trained, I'd say that it's highly unlikely that he is a legit purple belt. Even if he stopped training a while back, he doesn't appear to be old enough to have completely forgotten everything he would have known as a purple belt. In fact, it doesn't really look like he has any training at all, or at least anything more than a couple of weeks.
> 
> As far as why he would lie ... there are plenty of people who will lie about the stupidest crap in an effort to impress others. Some of them are downright pathologic about it. You might want to double-check anything else he has told you about his past and accomplishments.


Yeah that's exactly the feeling I had. He has never train at all imo


----------



## Buka (Jul 25, 2022)

Tony Dismukes said:


> Based on the video and his refusal to tell you when and where he trained, I'd say that it's highly unlikely that he is a legit purple belt. Even if he stopped training a while back, he doesn't appear to be old enough to have completely forgotten everything he would have known as a purple belt. In fact, it doesn't really look like he has any training at all, or at least anything more than a couple of weeks.
> 
> As far as why he would lie ... there are plenty of people who will lie about the stupidest crap in an effort to impress others. Some of them are downright pathologic about it. You might want to double-check anything else he has told you about his past and accomplishments.


Totally agree.

The lie is bad enough. But to then go into a Jits school and roll? That's just plain stupid.


----------



## drop bear (Jul 25, 2022)

I would go the other way. Never let on that you know. But keep bringing it up. Buy him seminars for his birthday and tell all his friends.


----------



## Steve (Jul 25, 2022)

drop bear said:


> I would go the other way. Never let on that you know. But keep bringing it up. Buy him seminars for his birthday and tell all his friends.


Pressure him into entering a tournament.  Get him to come to your school for a day.


----------



## drop bear (Jul 25, 2022)

Steve said:


> Pressure him into entering a tournament.  Get him to come to your school for a day.



Get him to come to your school and teach.


----------



## Jared Traveler (Jul 26, 2022)

isabella49 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I just started BJJ training since 8 month, with no martial art background, and I love it!
> I meet that guy 4 month ago and I pretty much enjoy spending time with him. He told me he did train in bjj years ago and he has reach purple belt. I thought it is great that we have things in common
> ...


Oh no! You deserve better.


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 26, 2022)

I just watched the video, and want to point out that he might not be lying. There's two things I can see (one I've actually seen), that would cause him to be bad while not lying about his belt, which would also explain the defensiveness.

There are some schools that add BJJ to their curriculum, despite the instructor not actually knowing it/knowing it well. So a TKD or WC school can claim to also teach BJJ, teach it really badly, but also rank people in it. And don't get found out as long as they don't have open mats or go to tournaments. In that case, he wouldn't be lying, he would have just been duped. And he wouldn't want to tell you his instructor if he realized it at some point and is embarrassed he got duped. 

The second thing is there are sites that teach online, and give rank out. The most well known only gives online rank to blue belt, but I would be very surprised if there were not ones that give up to purple or higher as well, in BJJ. So he could have gotten his rank without ever actually rolling. That would explain why he claimed to be a purple belt, but felt uncomfortable rolling, and got defensive about his instructors (he'd have to admit it was all online). 

It's also entirely possible he lied for any number of stupid reasons-to brag, he wanted to have something in common with you, his friends told him to, he likes lying, etc. But that's not the only plausible reason. The only way you'll know is by talking with him about it, not asking on a forum. 

And if you genuinely want the answer, ask in a way that doesn't make him feel attacked. Which I'm going to go off on a limb and claim wasn't the case here, if you kept pressuring him to roll, had other people watch your roll to test him out, took a video of it, and then started posting the video here. Which, regardless of whether he got a rank he shouldn't have, or was just lying early on and got stuck in the lie, would make some prideful/stubborn people double down in response.


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 26, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> I just watched the video, and want to point out that he might not be lying. There's two things I can see (one I've actually seen), that would cause him to be bad while not lying about his belt, which would also explain the defensiveness.
> 
> There are some schools that add BJJ to their curriculum, despite the instructor not actually knowing it/knowing it well. So a TKD or WC school can claim to also teach BJJ, teach it really badly, but also rank people in it. And don't get found out as long as they don't have open mats or go to tournaments. In that case, he wouldn't be lying, he would have just been duped. And he wouldn't want to tell you his instructor if he realized it at some point and is embarrassed he got duped.
> 
> ...



Keep in mind though, when reading through my response and the others above, this is not a relationship advice forum, this is a martial arts forum.


----------



## Xue Sheng (Jul 26, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> Keep in mind though, when reading through my response and the others above, this is not a relationship advice forum, this is a martial arts forum.



I was just about to say that I am not so sure how sound relationship advice is from a bunch of nameless faceless marital artist you don't know, and who don't know you ..or your boyfriend...  actually is


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 26, 2022)

Xue Sheng said:


> I was just about to say that I am not so sure how sound relationship advice is from a bunch of nameless faceless marital artist you don't know, and who don't know you ..or your boyfriend...  actually is


Yup. We know exactly 1 fact about their relationship, which is that the bf said when they started dating that he knew bjj too, and he apparently is not good at it. 

I'm sure if you took any of our relationships, you could find some fact/interaction, completely devoid of context, that would get a near unanimous "you guys should break up/divorce", or if you took a different fact, "you guys are perfect together".


----------



## Xue Sheng (Jul 26, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> Yup. We know exactly 1 fact about their relationship, which is that the bf said when they started dating that he knew bjj too, and he apparently is not good at it.
> 
> I'm sure if you took any of our relationships, you could find some fact/interaction, completely devoid of context, that would get a near unanimous "you guys should break up/divorce", or if you took a different fact, "you guys are perfect together".



My wife is from China, I'm from America. Speaking philosophically and psychologically there are two polar opposites on the globe...America and China.... So...it could go either way


----------



## lklawson (Jul 26, 2022)

Xue Sheng said:


> I was just about to say that I am not so sure how sound relationship advice is from a bunch of nameless faceless marital artist you don't know, and who don't know you ..or your boyfriend...  actually is


About as sound as martial arts advice from a bunch of nameless faceless people on a forum.

Heck, some here might be better at relationships than fighting.  Not saying they they might be "good" at relationships, they just may suck much worse at fighting.  

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


----------



## geezer (Jul 26, 2022)

isabella49 said:


> I just dont believe at all he has been a purple belt one day, even if it was way long ago*...so why lying about his belt?*


Yeah.... Why is he lying?

This is a huge red flag in your relationship. I'm no psychologist, but this is _not_ something you should overlook.

A confident, honest person would have said something like, "Hey I don't know a thing about BJJ, but that's so cool. I'd like to start ...let's do it together!"  On the other hand, your boyfriend's need to fabricate stories with regard to this is a sure indication he's doing it about _other things_ as well.

It _may_ be possible to work this out with him, but I doubt it ...considering that he went so far as to go to your school and roll, without admitting his fabrications, is really staggering. Don't just let this go.


----------



## Flying Crane (Jul 26, 2022)

If you want to confront him for possibly lying to you about his training, then you should have done so privately and in a respectful manner, and then decided where that left your relationship.  Instead, you posted a video on a martial arts forum and asked a bunch of strangers to comment on it.  That was a very disrespectful thing to do.  He ought to break up with you.  Maybe he lied, maybe he didn’t.  Maybe this is actually a video of you and him, maybe it isn’t and we are being fed a line of bull ****.  But if it is, what you did is unforgivable and doing this has already done irreparable damage to the relationship.  If you wanted to cross that line, then you should have simply broken up with him from the start, instead  of airing that dirty laundry on the internet.  If you two haven’t broken up yet, then he needs to dump you immediately.


----------



## CB Jones (Jul 26, 2022)

Buka said:


> Totally agree.
> 
> The lie is bad enough. But to then go into a Jits school and roll? That's just plain stupid.



Meh....I once convinced a girl in college that I was Chipper Jones' younger brother.  Lol.

***For the non baseball fans he played third base for the Atlanta Braves.***


----------



## Dirty Dog (Jul 26, 2022)

So it looks like he went to the trouble of buying a gi and a belt. That makes me wonder if he did have some small amount of training and maybe he just sucks.


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 26, 2022)

Dirty Dog said:


> So it looks like he went to the trouble of buying a gi and a belt. That makes me wonder if he did have some small amount of training and maybe he just sucks.


Part of what made me add the possible non-lie explanations. Wouldn't be the first time someone is worse than their belt rank would make them seem.


----------



## lklawson (Jul 26, 2022)

Flying Crane said:


> If you want to confront him for possibly lying to you about his training, then you should have done so privately and in a respectful manner, and then decided where that left your relationship.  Instead, you posted a video on a martial arts forum and asked a bunch of strangers to comment on it.  That was a very disrespectful thing to do.  He ought to break up with you.  Maybe he lied, maybe he didn’t.  Maybe this is actually a video of you and him, maybe it isn’t and we are being fed a line of bull ****.  But if it is, what you did is unforgivable and doing this has already done irreparable damage to the relationship.  If you wanted to cross that line, then you should have simply broken up with him from the start, instead  of airing that dirty laundry on the internet.  If you two haven’t broken up yet, then he needs to dump you immediately.


I don't really agree.

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


----------



## drop bear (Jul 26, 2022)

Dirty Dog said:


> So it looks like he went to the trouble of buying a gi and a belt. That makes me wonder if he did have some small amount of training and maybe he just sucks.



And went to the trouble to put it on in a no gi roll.

"Wait. Wait. I can't jujitsu without my uniform"

I used to know a guy who would go to the shops like that. T shirt. Gi pants and black belt.

Just some shopping after training right?

But they train in a gi. So at some point the belt came off. The top came off then the belt went back on.


----------



## Dirty Dog (Jul 26, 2022)

drop bear said:


> And went to the trouble to put it on in a no gi roll.
> 
> "Wait. Wait. I can't jujitsu without my uniform"
> 
> ...


I've seen a guy in the ER who came in wearing a gi and black belt. I am quite certain he didn't earn it. And not just any gi. It was one of these...







drop bear said:


> But they train in a gi. So at some point the belt came off. The top came off then the belt went back on.


Meh. You can take off the top without removing the belt.


----------



## JowGaWolf (Jul 26, 2022)

OP congrats on your skill sets. 

People lie about martial arts skills and belts all the time. It' not unusual to come across someone like that.  You probably like BJJ more than your boyfriend, at least in the video you seem to be enjoying it more.  

I don't hold the same moral expectation that lying about a belt means a person is lying about other things as well.  People lie for different reasons so I wouldn't immediately turn and think that this lie would rank up there with relationship warnings. and high alerts.

No difference if I sat in this chat and said that I run 1 mile every morning. The world isn't going to end.  To me it sounds like an Insecurity Lie.  The's are lies that people tell in an effort to hide things they are insecure about.  You probably just found something he's very insecure about that.  He may have a masculinity issue where he has doubts about his own "manliness." That's just a wild guess, but I would be curious to know if his recent losses to you have changed his behavior lol.


----------



## Buka (Jul 26, 2022)

CB Jones said:


> Meh....I once convinced a girl in college that I was Chipper Jones' younger brother.  Lol.
> 
> ***For the non baseball fans he played third base for the Atlanta Braves.***


Yeah, but you probably didn't take her into the locker room after that game. But, then again....

When we were in our twenties by best friend used to tell girls he was a taxidermist. And he studied up on it so he could continue the BS. Man, he picked up more women. 

And I still don't get how.


----------



## JowGaWolf (Jul 26, 2022)

isabella49 said:


> Yeah that's exactly the feeling I had. He has never train at all imo


That's what it looks like.  He has uncertainty in his movement and I've seen it many times before in striking systems.  He had an awkwardness about how he was grabbing and trying to hold you.  I don't know if he's uncomfortable going against a female or if his performance changes when he goes against males.  But there was definitely an awkwardness that stood out.   His movements "seem to be lost and without purpose"


----------



## JowGaWolf (Jul 26, 2022)

Flying Crane said:


> If you want to confront him for possibly lying to you about his training, then you should have done so privately and in a respectful manner, and then decided where that left your relationship. Instead, you posted a video on a martial arts forum and asked a bunch of strangers to comment on it. That was a very disrespectful thing to do. He ought to break up with you.


Wow I thought I was the serious one.  It's not a big deal for me.  If the video is fake then , it will leave a bad taste in the mouth of some who posted.  If the video is real, then it wasn't disrespectful to post it here.  Like even now many of the comment's have moved away from the actual video and moved into speculation about someone we don't know.  

I'm about to go play some Call of Duty Warzone so in about 10 minutes from now.  All of this will have the importance of forgotten memory about the last thing that I didn't care much about beyond the comments that I made.  

If the video is real and OP is real then maybe the OP was just excited about her skill sets.  Lesson of the video if the situation is real should be.  "Don't write a check your mouth can't cash."  "Don't lie about the skills you have, someone may test you."


----------



## Flying Crane (Jul 26, 2022)

JowGaWolf said:


> Wow I thought I was the serious one.  It's not a big deal for me.  If the video is fake then , it will leave a bad taste in the mouth of some who posted.  If the video is real, then it wasn't disrespectful to post it here.  Like even now many of the comment's have moved away from the actual video and moved into speculation about someone we don't know.
> 
> I'm about to go play some Call of Duty Warzone so in about 10 minutes from now.  All of this will have the importance of forgotten memory about the last thing that I didn't care much about beyond the comments that I made.
> 
> If the video is real and OP is real then maybe the OP was just excited about her skill sets.  Lesson of the video if the situation is real should be.  "Don't write a check your mouth can't cash."  "Don't lie about the skills you have, someone may test you."


None of this matters to me either.  I just had a very nice hike with my son, had actually forgotten this thread until I popped back in to see what’s happening.

In light of the freely given advice they she ought to dump him, I think there is an argument at least as good, that he ought to dump her.


----------



## Flying Crane (Jul 26, 2022)

lklawson said:


> I don't really agree.
> 
> Peace favor your sword,
> Kirk


Of course that is perfectly ok.  I am curious though: about which part?


----------



## punisher73 (Jul 27, 2022)

drop bear said:


> I would go the other way. Never let on that you know. But keep bringing it up. Buy him seminars for his birthday and tell all his friends.


Better yet, keep bringing him to the club and tell all YOUR bjj friends. 😂


----------



## lklawson (Jul 27, 2022)

Flying Crane said:


> Of course that is perfectly ok.  I am curious though: about which part?


Well, pretty much most of your propositions.  I've seen a bunch of relationship and I've never seen questions about one partner's truthfulness ever resolved gracefully by "private and respectful manner" and such.  Sure, it's "nicer" but it never makes a difference in the end.  I also disagree that posting the video here was particularly "disrespectful."  And I most certainly don't see the OP's actions in posting this thread in the first place or the associated video as particularly egregious, never mind "unforgivable" as you concluded.   Nor do I see the boyfriend as an especially aggrieved party who "needs to dump [her] immediately."  If we're assuming the OP isn't just trolling us, then it seems most likely to me that the boyfriend is lying and has been all along and honestly, lying about something pretty petty.  Maybe he's just suffering Testosterone Poisoning but, again, my experience is that people who will lie about these sort of things in order to gain unearned standing in a social group, or worse, to get in some girl's pants, simply aren't trustworthy.  Maybe he could be trustworthy in 5 or 10 years, if he matures past this, but right now... no.  Right now, it's a douchey lie.  Now if the OP wants to stay with him 'cuz he's hot, has a Big Johnson, or just because (for reasons I can't explain) some women seem to be drawn to douchy guys, whatever.  But I really don't agree with any of your main positions.  Guy's a liar.  Break it off.  Done.  Easy-peasy.  

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 27, 2022)

lklawson said:


> Well, pretty much most of your propositions.  I've seen a bunch of relationship and I've never seen questions about one partner's truthfulness ever resolved gracefully by "private and respectful manner" and such.


That makes sense to me, and does nothing to really disprove flying crane's point. If questions about someone's truthfulness were handled privately, you would not have seen the questions or even known there was an issue to resolve. Most people who can resolve those issues privately don't need to air their dirty laundry to friends/families. 


lklawson said:


> If we're assuming the OP isn't just trolling us, then it seems most likely to me that the boyfriend is lying and has been all along and honestly, lying about something pretty petty.  Maybe he's just suffering Testosterone Poisoning but, again, my experience is that people who will lie about these sort of things in order to gain unearned standing in a social group, or worse, to get in some girl's pants, simply aren't trustworthy.  Maybe he could be trustworthy in 5 or 10 years, if he matures past this, but right now... no.  Right now, it's a douchey lie.  Now if the OP wants to stay with him 'cuz he's hot, has a Big Johnson, or just because (for reasons I can't explain) some women seem to be drawn to douchy guys, whatever.  But I really don't agree with any of your main positions.  Guy's a liar.  Break it off.  Done.  Easy-peasy.


You're making the assumption that he's lying, when we don't know for sure he actually is lying. And giving advice based off that assumption. You're also assuming people either are, or aren't, liars. I don't think I've met anyone who can claim they've never told a lie. That doesn't mean that they lie often (or that they don't), but one lie that may not be a lie does not mean he's a liar who OP should dump with no further context on our end. 

It doesn't necessarily mean it's not a red flag, with more context than what we have, but that's why any advice from us in this regard is pretty useless.


----------



## Tony Dismukes (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> The second thing is there are sites that teach online, and give rank out. The most well known only gives online rank to blue belt, but I would be very surprised if there were not ones that give up to purple or higher as well, in BJJ.


I’m reasonably tuned in to the greater BJJ community and I’m not aware of any such site. It was a source of significant controversy when Ryron & Rener Gracie were awarding ranks through video evaluation via their Gracie University, and they were pressured to change that to only award what they call a “technical blue belt” indicating a student could demonstrate techniques to a certain standard. If there was another organization offering higher ranks via online instruction, I would probably have heard about it.


Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> There are some schools that add BJJ to their curriculum, despite the instructor not actually knowing it/knowing it well. So a TKD or WC school can claim to also teach BJJ, teach it really badly, but also rank people in it. And don't get found out as long as they don't have open mats or go to tournaments.


This seems plausible, but I haven’t heard of any particular incidents. Are you aware of any schools which are actually doing this?


----------



## Flying Crane (Jul 27, 2022)

lklawson said:


> Well, pretty much most of your propositions.  I've seen a bunch of relationship and I've never seen questions about one partner's truthfulness ever resolved gracefully by "private and respectful manner" and such.  Sure, it's "nicer" but it never makes a difference in the end.  I also disagree that posting the video here was particularly "disrespectful."  And I most certainly don't see the OP's actions in posting this thread in the first place or the associated video as particularly egregious, never mind "unforgivable" as you concluded.   Nor do I see the boyfriend as an especially aggrieved party who "needs to dump [her] immediately."  If we're assuming the OP isn't just trolling us, then it seems most likely to me that the boyfriend is lying and has been all along and honestly, lying about something pretty petty.  Maybe he's just suffering Testosterone Poisoning but, again, my experience is that people who will lie about these sort of things in order to gain unearned standing in a social group, or worse, to get in some girl's pants, simply aren't trustworthy.  Maybe he could be trustworthy in 5 or 10 years, if he matures past this, but right now... no.  Right now, it's a douchey lie.  Now if the OP wants to stay with him 'cuz he's hot, has a Big Johnson, or just because (for reasons I can't explain) some women seem to be drawn to douchy guys, whatever.  But I really don't agree with any of your main positions.  Guy's a liar.  Break it off.  Done.  Easy-peasy.
> 
> Peace favor your sword,
> Kirk


Fair enough, we agree to disagree.  

I agree that she may have good reason to dump him if he is indeed lying.  But she should have simply done so or at least conducted her investigation in a more private manner before making that decision.  The way she handled it, I can’t imagine the relationship surviving once he finds out.  So he has good reason to dump her as well.

Actually, maybe they deserve each other and they ought to stay together.


----------



## Flying Crane (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> That makes sense to me, and does nothing to really disprove flying crane's point. If questions about someone's truthfulness were handled privately, you would not have seen the questions or even known there was an issue to resolve. Most people who can resolve those issues privately don't need to air their dirty laundry to friends/families.


Airing it to family and friends is one thing.  She did it to a whole bunch of strangers on the internet, including posting a video without his knowledge, that practically invites scoffing and ridicule.  He will find out that she did this, and when he does, I cannot imagine any way the relationship survives.  Once she did that, she condemned the relationship to failure and she gave up any claim to the moral high ground.  She is as douchey as he might be.

And as you point out, we don’t even know with certainty that he lied.  He might simply be not very good.  And that video was very brief, all of 17 seconds, I would be reluctant to draw any conclusions from it, it simply shows very little and without any context.  Hell, maybe he simply thought he needed to allow his new girlfriend to “win” so she doesn’t think he is a hyper-competitive testosterone-driven a-hole.


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 27, 2022)

Tony Dismukes said:


> This seems plausible, but I haven’t heard of any particular incidents. Are you aware of any schools which are actually doing this?


Yup. Without giving names, I've seen 2 schools near me that claim to teach Jiujitsu (one BJJ specifically, the other gets around it by not specifying style, just saying jiu jitsu and implying it's bjj). This was pre-covid, so I don't remember the specifics, but basically one school taught the "jiujitsu" course separately as a supplemental option, but people advanced in it around the same speed they did the regular classes, so around 3-4 years for bb. I never actually trained there, but get the feeling from that time period a 'purple belt' would actually be a white belt nearing blue. 
The other school integrated bjj into their classwork, and advertised as a school that taught kempo and bjj, so the students would claim (and not be corrected) that if they had a black belt in kenpo, they had a black belt in bjj, same with brown, and other belts. The instructor did actually take bjj classes and was a blue belt iirc, and his students were not all that impressive (with bjj, their kempo was fine).


----------



## lklawson (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> You're making the assumption that he's lying, when we don't know for sure he actually is lying. And giving advice based off that assumption.


I agree, and have stipulated, that I am taking the OP at face value.



Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> You're also assuming people either are, or aren't, liars. I don't think I've met anyone who can claim they've never told a lie. That doesn't mean that they lie often (or that they don't), but one lie that may not be a lie does not mean he's a liar who OP should dump with no further context on our end.


Not necessarily.  I think you can tell a lot about people based on what they choose to lie about.  What does this lie, told to this person, say about the person telling the lie?  My experiences say that, among other things, it tells the OP, "don't date this person."




Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> It doesn't necessarily mean it's not a red flag, with more context than what we have, but that's why any advice from us in this regard is pretty useless.


What?  A thread in an online forum that could have more context which the forumites don't know and is ultimately just a bunch of folks talking about something which might not even be real?  I'm shocked!  *SHOCKED*, I tell you!  

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


----------



## lklawson (Jul 27, 2022)

Flying Crane said:


> Fair enough, we agree to disagree.
> 
> I agree that she may have good reason to dump him if he is indeed lying.  But she should have simply done so or at least conducted her investigation in a more private manner before making that decision.  The way she handled it, I can’t imagine the relationship surviving once he finds out.  So he has good reason to dump her as well.


Fair enough.



Flying Crane said:


> Actually, maybe they deserve each other and they ought to stay together.


Brother, we may have seen some of the same relationships between two (or more) messed up people over the years.

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


----------



## lklawson (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> Yup. Without giving names, I've seen 2 schools near me that claim to teach Jiujitsu (one BJJ specifically, the other gets around it by not specifying style, just saying jiu jitsu and implying it's bjj). This was pre-covid, so I don't remember the specifics, but basically one school taught the "jiujitsu" course separately as a supplemental option, but people advanced in it around the same speed they did the regular classes, so around 3-4 years for bb. I never actually trained there, but get the feeling from that time period a 'purple belt' would actually be a white belt nearing blue.
> The other school integrated bjj into their classwork, and advertised as a school that taught kempo and bjj, so the students would claim (and not be corrected) that if they had a black belt in kenpo, they had a black belt in bjj, same with brown, and other belts. The instructor did actually take bjj classes and was a blue belt iirc, and his students were not all that impressive (with bjj, their kempo was fine).


For more than a couple of decades now, I've seen schools claim they're teaching or adding "grappling" or "mixed martial arts" or "jujitsu" to their curriculum.  But they don't usually directly claim it's BJJ if it isn't.  Remember "Combat Hapkido" adding in grappling?  Sort of like that.

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 27, 2022)

lklawson said:


> I agree, and have stipulated, that I am taking the OP at face value.


Even taking OP at face value, she's only assuming that it's a lie. I listed a couple options earlier in the thread that could explain why he sucks and is not lying. 


lklawson said:


> Not necessarily.  I think you can tell a lot about people based on what they choose to lie about.  What does this lie, told to this person, say about the person telling the lie?  My experiences say that, among other things, it tells the OP, "don't date this person."


That's fair. Telling your kid santa clause brought the presents is pretty different than telling a judge you didn't commit murder, and there's a spectrum there. I think that, given this reads like it was said on an 1st/2nd date, and from how it sounds he tried to move past and not bring it up again, he made a dumb statement trying to impress/relate to his date, and doesn't know how to back out of it. 

Definitely immature, but so is bringing it up to a forum full of people OP doesn't know, with a video showing what OP is fully aware is bad rolling, with the potential to embarrass. So sounds like it more means _you _shouldn't date someone like this, not necessarily that OP shouldn't.


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 27, 2022)

lklawson said:


> For more than a couple of decades now, I've seen schools claim they're teaching or adding "grappling" or "mixed martial arts" or "jujitsu" to their curriculum.  But they don't usually directly claim it's BJJ if it isn't.  Remember "Combat Hapkido" adding in grappling?  Sort of like that.
> 
> Peace favor your sword,
> Kirk


Like I said, at least one of the two directly claimed BJJ. I know the students of the other referred to it as BJJ, I think the owner just called it jujitsu class. But this is going back a couple years so not 100% sure. My point was more that it's totally possible for a student to believe he's a purple belt in BJJ when he really isn't.


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> Like I said, at least one of the two directly claimed BJJ. I know the students of the other referred to it as BJJ, I think the owner just called it jujitsu class. But this is going back a couple years so not 100% sure. My point was more that it's totally possible for a student to believe he's a purple belt in BJJ when he really isn't.


Just occurred to me this could be done/justified as a marketing tactic. In the same way a wing chun school might list itself as "karate", because that terms more recognizable, so someone training in it might think they're doing karate, a school might list itself as BJJ as a recognizable term when really they're teaching something else.


----------



## lklawson (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> Even taking OP at face value, she's only assuming that it's a lie. I listed a couple options earlier in the thread that could explain why he sucks and is not lying.
> 
> That's fair. Telling your kid santa clause brought the presents is pretty different than telling a judge you didn't commit murder, and there's a spectrum there. I think that, given this reads like it was said on an 1st/2nd date, and from how it sounds he tried to move past and not bring it up again, he made a dumb statement trying to impress/relate to his date, and doesn't know how to back out of it.
> 
> Definitely immature, but so is bringing it up to a forum full of people OP doesn't know, with a video showing what OP is fully aware is bad rolling, with the potential to embarrass. So sounds like it more means _you _shouldn't date someone like this, not necessarily that OP shouldn't.


My wife doesn't want me dating.  

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


----------



## Flying Crane (Jul 27, 2022)

isabella49 said:


> Look at that..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This video isn’t sitting well with me.  My gut tells me something fishy is going on.  The OP is a new BJJ student and simply wants her boyfriend, who claims to be a BJJ purple belt, to spar with her.  So finally he agrees but there needs to be someone there to film it.  Why is that?  Why did this need to be filmed?  Do ordinary people routinely film their workout sessions?  I never have. What do other people do?Was he being deliberately set up, to share the video online?  I am simply having a difficult time coming up with a feasible reason why it would have been recorded, that would be consistent with the information shared by the OP.

The second thing is the location.  It is difficult to tell, but it almost has the appearance of some mats thrown down on the living room floor or in the garage, and not at the BJJ school.  I suppose there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with that, martial instruction can be done in a variety of places,  not every school is large and spacious with new and modern equipment.  But it strikes me as odd.  It is doubtful that the boyfriend has mats of his own, as the story goes he did BJJ years ago and the impression is that he no longer does so.  I doubt the OP would have purchased her own mats to use at home, given she is brand new to the training.  So was this filmed at the school?  With a tiny mat area and an American flag almost on the floor just above the mats?  

There are other issues that I don’t want to raise at the moment, but something about this video isn’t sitting right with me.  I feel like there is more to the story than we are being told, or this video does not represent what we are being told it does. 

My spidey senses are pinging.


----------



## Flying Crane (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> I think that, given this reads like it was said on an 1st/2nd date, and from how it sounds he tried to move past and not bring it up again, he made a dumb statement trying to impress/relate to his date, and doesn't know how to back out of it.


According to the OP, she has been training about 8 months, and met him 4 months ago.  So definitely not a 1st or 2nd date scenario, they have had some time to get to know each other, but still a very new relationship.


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 27, 2022)

Flying Crane said:


> According to the OP, she has been training about 8 months, and met him 4 months ago.  So definitely not a 1st or 2nd date scenario, they have had some time to get to know each other, but still a very new relationship.


That's actually what makes me think it's a 1st/2nd date scenario. They met 4 months ago, he said at some point that he trained before this, and there's been enough time for him to continue to find excuses to avoid sparring, before another instance where someone from her BJJ club was also around to help convince him. So some time had passed since he initially made the claim, and if they've only been dating 4 months, that puts it at even earlier in their dating history.


----------



## Tony Dismukes (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> Yup. Without giving names, I've seen 2 schools near me that claim to teach Jiujitsu (one BJJ specifically, the other gets around it by not specifying style, just saying jiu jitsu and implying it's bjj). This was pre-covid, so I don't remember the specifics, but basically one school taught the "jiujitsu" course separately as a supplemental option, but people advanced in it around the same speed they did the regular classes, so around 3-4 years for bb. I never actually trained there, but get the feeling from that time period a 'purple belt' would actually be a white belt nearing blue.
> The other school integrated bjj into their classwork, and advertised as a school that taught kempo and bjj, so the students would claim (and not be corrected) that if they had a black belt in kenpo, they had a black belt in bjj, same with brown, and other belts. The instructor did actually take bjj classes and was a blue belt iirc, and his students were not all that impressive (with bjj, their kempo was fine).


Sigh. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I guess some people are in for a big shock if they ever visit a real BJJ school.


----------



## CB Jones (Jul 27, 2022)

Buka said:


> Yeah, but you probably didn't take her into the locker room after that game. But, then again....
> 
> When we were in our twenties by best friend used to tell girls he was a taxidermist. And he studied up on it so he could continue the BS. Man, he picked up more women.
> 
> And I still don't get how.



True.

One of the rules of undercover work is that your cover story is always based on your actual knowledge.


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 27, 2022)

Tony Dismukes said:


> Sigh. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I guess some people are in for a big shock if they ever visit a real BJJ school.


It's the 80s all over again, starting up. Same way some karate students were in a big shock the first time they went to a boxing/kickboxing gym.


----------



## Steve (Jul 27, 2022)

psst.  Guys.  I think she’s gone.


----------



## Steve (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> It's the 80s all over again, starting up. Same way some karate students were in a big shock the first time they went to a boxing/kickboxing gym.


Hey I’m all for going back to the 80s.  I’d spend more time in the boxing gym and less time carousing with other drunk airmen.


----------



## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jul 27, 2022)

Steve said:


> psst.  Guys.  I think she’s gone.


Has that ever stopped us?


----------



## Steve (Jul 27, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> Has that ever stopped us?


Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve tickled this for 10 years from now so I can resurrect the thread to ask how things worked out.  I’m thinking something like, “Well it’s been 10 years.  How are you two doing now that you’re both black belts?”


----------



## Xue Sheng (Jul 27, 2022)

Yup shows up on monday and 3.5 hours later reads the response, post and never post again...and based on the responses she probably dumped the guy...who then spiraled into depression and alcoholism.... lost his home, and job... had to resort to living in his car...until he was beaten, robbed AND has his car stolen.....and while lying there all the while wished he had not lied about the purple belt and dreaming of what COULD have been......that and it could have come in handy saving his car......... but alas took up a life of crime...got caught stealing candy from babies and eating directly out of the buffet...... then thrown in jail and is now spending 3 to 5 in san quentin state prison...where he will get into weight lifting and BJJ..... the irony


----------



## Buka (Jul 27, 2022)

Xue Sheng said:


> Yup shows up on monday and 3.5 hours later reads the response, post and never post again...and based on the responses she probably dumped the guy...who then spiraled into depression and alcoholism.... lost his home, and job... had to resort to living in his car...until he as beaten, robbed AND has his car stolen.....and while lying there all the while wished he had not lied about the purple belt and dreaming of what COULD have been......that and it could have come in handy saving his car......... but alas took up a life of crime...got caught stealing candy from babies and eating directly out of the buffet...... then thrown in jail and is now spending 3 to 5 in san quentin state prison...where he will get into weight lifting and BJJ..... the irony


But then he was approached by another inmate, one who was undercover for the Justice Department, who then made him an offer. It was too good to be true, he wanted it in writing, in blood, then notarized by a gal he knew who worked in a bank and constantly joked "I open my draws for cash."


----------



## drop bear (Jul 27, 2022)

By the way. I think there are probably worse issues relationships have to face than my boyfriend isn't very good at jujitsu.


----------



## Steve (Jul 27, 2022)

Xue Sheng said:


> Yup shows up on monday and 3.5 hours later reads the response, post and never post again...and based on the responses she probably dumped the guy...who then spiraled into depression and alcoholism.... lost his home, and job... had to resort to living in his car...until he was beaten, robbed AND has his car stolen.....and while lying there all the while wished he had not lied about the purple belt and dreaming of what COULD have been......that and it could have come in handy saving his car......... but alas took up a life of crime...got caught stealing candy from babies and eating directly out of the buffet...... then thrown in jail and is now spending 3 to 5 in san quentin state prison...where he will get into weight lifting and BJJ..... the irony


So in 10 years when I resurrect this thread, he should be out and training again. 

Also, In prison, I think BJJ is referred to as combat cuddling.


----------



## JowGaWolf (Jul 27, 2022)

ha ha ha..  you guys are still going at it I see.


----------



## Xue Sheng (Jul 28, 2022)

drop bear said:


> By the way. I think there are probably worse issues relationships have to face than my boyfriend isn't very good at jujitsu.



OK...I have tried...but I can't resist....Your Boyfriend?


----------



## Xue Sheng (Jul 28, 2022)

Steve said:


> So in 10 years when I resurrect this thread, he should be out and training again.
> 
> Also, In prison, I think BJJ is referred to as combat cuddling.



Yes, and he should be a blackbelt in Combat Cuddling by then....as well as built like a young Arnold Schwarzenegger .....


----------



## punisher73 (Jul 28, 2022)

Monkey Turned Wolf said:


> I just watched the video, and want to point out that he might not be lying. There's two things I can see (one I've actually seen), that would cause him to be bad while not lying about his belt, which would also explain the defensiveness.
> 
> There are some schools that add BJJ to their curriculum, despite the instructor not actually knowing it/knowing it well. So a TKD or WC school can claim to also teach BJJ, teach it really badly, but also rank people in it. And don't get found out as long as they don't have open mats or go to tournaments. In that case, he wouldn't be lying, he would have just been duped. And he wouldn't want to tell you his instructor if he realized it at some point and is embarrassed he got duped.
> 
> ...


Just to keep a dying thread going.....

That had crossed my mind as well.  Many times, even if someone DID take some training from a long time ago they may still make mistakes because they just showed up and did it for fun etc.

For example,  many people say that they took, "karate" and when you ask them what kind they may not know the particular style because it was advertised under a generic name like "Joe's Karate Studio".

Along with this idea, he may have taken a style of jujitsu and was ignorant of the differences and is claiming a legitimate rank in a style of Japanese JJ.


----------



## Hanzou (Oct 10, 2022)

As a (legit) purple belt, if I'm rolling with an untrained white belt and lose back control and get tapped that quickly, I'm immediately demoting myself.

Also nice submission. If I were your boyfriend I would sign up with your school immediately. I suppose he doesn't want to be exposed.


----------



## Judo boi (Nov 14, 2022)

Flying Crane said:


> If you want to confront him for possibly lying to you about his training, then you should have done so privately and in a respectful manner, and then decided where that left your relationship.  Instead, you posted a video on a martial arts forum and asked a bunch of strangers to comment on it.  That was a very disrespectful thing to do.  He ought to break up with you.  Maybe he lied, maybe he didn’t.  Maybe this is actually a video of you and him, maybe it isn’t and we are being fed a line of bull ****.  But if it is, what you did is unforgivable and doing this has already done irreparable damage to the relationship.  If you wanted to cross that line, then you should have simply broken up with him from the start, instead  of airing that dirty laundry on the internet.  If you two haven’t broken up yet, then he needs to dump you immediately.


Brutal


----------



## Gyakuto (Nov 14, 2022)

drop bear said:


> Because purple belts are the apex of masculinity.
> 
> So obviously he would say he is one to impress you. Like being a pilot or an astronaut. Except obviously better.


Astronauts usually are pilots, so they’re much better than ‘purple’ (🙄) belts


----------

