# Verbal lessons to defuse situtions?



## still learning (Feb 17, 2006)

Hello,  Please ask if you do not have these training?  The purpose of martial arts is learn self-defense and gain self-confidence.  To reach a point where one becomes self aware of one self as not to get into any trouble.

Do you learn anything about how to handle verbal confrontations and how to avoid or diffuse or descalated possible explosive situtions.

Verbal Judo (book) is a good start, as well as many others like it.

I like some of the things they do in "Toastmaster" form of critiquing others.  They begin by saying something positive before getting to the negative part.

Do you have verbal training to defuse situtions and how? ........Aoha


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## Fight with attitude (Feb 17, 2006)

I worked as a bouncer for some time. Different situtions need different approaches. Sometimes listening to the person is all it takes for things not to get out of hand.

Other times people are just looking for a fight. I've had people throw punches if I looked at them the wrong way.

One thing that I do in any situtions is to look confidence (even if I don't always feel confidence) and to talk calmly. There is a very fine line between looking confidence and looking like you have a ego. Having the second will most of the time have the other person react in a more aggressive way. Also looking passive will have the person react in a more aggressive way. Be aware of your body language as the sitution unfolds.

Talking calmly is very important but this does not mean you should talk in a passive voice. Again there is a fine line between talking passively and being assurtive, and between talking assurtively and talking in an aggressive voice.


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## beau_safken (Feb 18, 2006)

:iws:

Its all about tone and presence.  Nobody messes with someone they have no clue if they can easily beat.  Walking confidently and composed to your environment pretty much defuse any situation.

Now if you do have someone that is already engaged with you in a verbal confrontation, its all about your personal charisma and tone.  Also do you want to slow him down and allow him to rethink his strategy or take it to a level he didn't anticipate?  Both strategies have their place.

In a multiple combatant environment you have to understand that your enemy have power in numbers and a inverse amount of brain power.  The defuse and get out of dodge idea is usually a good one.  However, the best means to destroy the will of a person that wants to harm you with his friends around is to completely isolate him from his friends.  Both by a mix of mental games(Cyclical thought patterns), Push energy(Allow him to feel your presence alone), and questioning his motive.  

Course if it is just one guy...75% of people dont want to act on their words.  So when he says "I want to kick your ***."  Light the fire and push the intensity up and over the edge with your words.  Nothing will allow a person to rethink more than someone being crazier than himself.  Course if that doesnt work...least its just one person this time 

Beau


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## Drac (Feb 18, 2006)

Fight with attitude said:
			
		

> I worked as a bouncer for some time. Different situtions need different approaches. Sometimes listening to the person is all it takes for things not to get out of hand.
> 
> Other times people are just looking for a fight. I've had people throw punches if I looked at them the wrong way.
> 
> ...


 
Damn good response..As a former Bouncer I can attest that everything he said here is TRUE..These same lessons have carried over to my LE career..Now must people will think cops beat on people for NO REASON and nothing could be further from the truth..We give them EVERY option to speak their mind and settle their differences without the physical confrontation because that means more paperwork..


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## rutherford (Feb 18, 2006)

Posted in this thread: http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27505



			
				Don Roley said:
			
		

> Is there a reason why you have to try to deescalate the situation? You can't say, "I don't want a fight, I'm leaving" and let the guy think he pushed you around? And if you announce (loudly) your willingness to leave and start for the door, _then_ when the police ask who was responsible for the fight the witnesses can say that you tried to get away and the other guy chased you. If he does not, you get home in one piece.
> 
> *< nice anecdote snipped - Rutherford >*
> 
> ...


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## scottcatchot (Feb 19, 2006)

Drac said:
			
		

> Damn good response..As a former Bouncer I can attest that everything he said here is TRUE..These same lessons have carried over to my LE career..Now must people will think cops beat on people for NO REASON and nothing could be further from the truth..We give them EVERY option to speak their mind and settle their differences without the physical confrontation because that means more paperwork..


 
Then you beat on them?   Just Joking.

I experience the same thing while working as a corrections officer. Some times my tone and posture while talking to an offender helped to deesculate a situation, and unfortunately when done wrong it did cause problems for me. I found the same to be true when getting my teaching degree. Proximic awareness is also important.


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## still learning (Feb 20, 2006)

Hello, Great comments and ideas....how can we develop lesson plans to teach in our classes.

Should it be taught in every martial school? and how often (every training session cover something?)

Does anyone have a good lesson plans? Would you like to share? ...Aloha


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## still learning (Feb 20, 2006)

Hello, Great comments and ideas....how can we develop lesson plans to teach in our classes.

Should it be taught in every martial school? and how often (every training session cover something?)

Does anyone have a good lesson plans? Would you like to share? ...Aloha


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## beau_safken (Feb 21, 2006)

Those womans self defense courses where the guy gets kicked in the balls a lot....maybe thats a starting place.  

Honestly, throwing a very random screaming word that confuses and torments a little during otherwise normal times...    I honestly dont know but all I could think of was "Hands off!!!!!!!!!, Knee to the groin...."


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## Hand Sword (Mar 30, 2006)

Like Al Capone put it : You get further with kind words and a gun than with kind words alone!"


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## Ross (Apr 13, 2006)

This is a really interesting thread and has several connatations.

Diffusing a situation - as already stated by some experienced bouncers, and several that I have taught myself, a calming tone, firm but not aggressive is correct and effective. The reason is, is that you are trying to bring down their adrenalin levels to bring them down from their aggressive mindset. If you were to shout at them "Get out!" or similar, your adrenalin goes up, as does theirs.

Speaking to the subconscious - something that I teach is how not to engage with attackers unless you are leading the situation. What I mean here is that a common street attack is for someone to come up to you and ask for change, a light, the time etc, and although you may try to ignore them simply by hearing it they have engaged you. 

Obviously this can work in the reverse. My dad used to be a bouncer in the east end of London during the 60's when it was *very rough*. He did say to me that if you are going to hit someone, hit them while they are speaking. And this is true still. Although perhaps as a last resort. I would suggest asking them a question - "sorry mate you looked really familiar, were we in the same class at shcool" (this can be useful, saying "you look really familiar" because somewhere in his mind he's thinking if this goes badly he's going to know exactly what I look like), "what football team do you support?" etc.

What you can do is try and make it slightly personal so they have to think about an answer. Don't ask "Don't I know your sister?" or this will obviously just anger him further. Mention a road, city, school, parents knowing each other - something so that they think, "maybe he does know me?"

Another good tactic to use is to try engage them with a random question this will stop them for a split second long enough for them to form an answer of some descption - it is then fight or flee. But do one or the other!

Enjoy.


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## still learning (Apr 13, 2006)

Hello, Good point here (above)...hit them while they are still talking,(if you know a fight will start).

Keep there mind in gage ...by asking questions...thanks-you for this MUST know verbal lesson. .........Aloha


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## thescottishdude (Apr 14, 2006)

some people (the yobs who start fights in pubs etc) can't be talked to. they WANT to fight. that's why they are there in that pub in the first place


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## still learning (Apr 14, 2006)

thescottishdude said:
			
		

> some people (the yobs who start fights in pubs etc) can't be talked to. they WANT to fight. that's why they are there in that pub in the first place


 
Yes there is a lot fights the "Pubs'(not all).  If you visit places where confrontations happens all the time. You are at more risk to be involved there (in fight).

Solution is not the verbal lessons....going to the right places are...almost two different things here.

Verbal lesson: Tell your "pals", lets go to a better/nicer/safer place....to drink.  2nd lesson in a bar...keep quiet,do not brag, keep your "egos' in check.

The whole idea is to a have a nice and safe time, and get home peacefully.....Aloha


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