# Scots Wa Hae!



## wee_blondie

Seeking out fellow countrymen: you might be scottish if.....

    1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie,  Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

   2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

    3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.

    4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot slaverin when yer blootert.

    5. Ye kin fall about p*shed withoot spilling yer drink.

    6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories -   pure class!

    7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

    8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.

    9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

    10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

   11. Ye know whit haggis is made fae and stull like eating it.  

 12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

  13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.

  4. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

  15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.  

    16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.  :uhyeah: 

    17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.  

    18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .

  19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

    hooz it hingin

    clatty

    boggin

    cludgie

    pished

    get it up ye

    wee beasties

    amurny

    away an bile yer heid 

    peely-wally

    humphey backit

    Ba'-heid

    baw bag

    dubble nugget

PS - I've taken out the rude ones, apologies if by some chance I missed one!

PPS - May post translations if there are any requests  :ultracool


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## SFC JeffJ

LOL, I guess I'm half scottish!

Plus I think peat is a good flavor!


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## Drac

Excellent post, I LOVED it..As an ameture actor I love accents and read this post outloud..I knew what nappies and fags were about it...


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## bydand

Being a Gordon, I did understand this and have to say that even though the family came over to the US way back (James Gordon came across back in the early-mid 1800's) we still can attest to 90% of the post.  Kind of shocking how much is genetic.  Clatty, guilty as charged.   Cool post!


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## bydand

Drac said:


> Excellent post, I LOVED it..As an ameture actor I love accents and read this post outloud..I knew what nappies and fags were about it...




Yeah, my brother loves to raise a few eyebrows by exclaming he is going outside and smoking a fag or two when he is at a bar.   :roflmao:

Should clarify, up here if you are smoking something, you are either lighting up a cig. or shooting something.


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## wee_blondie

Drac said:


> Excellent post, I LOVED it..As an ameture actor I love accents and read this post outloud..I knew what nappies and fags were about it...


 
That's the only way to fully enjoy it!  Glad you guys liked it :ultracool


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## CoryKS

Great post!  A coworker brought in haggis sushi once... 'cuz normal haggis wasn't doing it for him, I guess.  Took a _lot_ of beer to kill the taste of that!


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## Drac

CoryKS said:


> Great post! A coworker brought in haggis sushi once... 'cuz normal haggis wasn't doing it for him, I guess. Took a _lot_ of beer to kill the taste of that!


 
Corky,What are haggins??


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## CoryKS

Drac said:


> Corky,What are haggins??


 
Here, for your culinary pleasure, is Haggis.


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## Drac

CoryKS said:


> Here, for your culinary pleasure, is Haggis.


 
Not if you put a gun to my head....No further comment..Ya eat what ya like...


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## wee_blondie

Its lovely!!!  Don't knock it till ya try it!

Best served with mashed neeps & tatties.....(thats turnips & potatoes to you).  I didn't find out what it was made from till I was about 8; the ingredients don't really bother me - it tastes good, end of.

I love cooking from scratch, maybe I'll do haggis one day.  My best mate's dad owns a sheep farm....now to get me a good un..........baaaa

%-}


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## Drac

wee_blondie said:


> Its lovely!!! Don't knock it till ya try it!
> 
> Best served with mashed neeps & tatties.....(thats turnips & potatoes to you). I didn't find out what it was made from till I was about 8; the ingredients don't really bother me - it tastes good, end of.
> 
> I love cooking from scratch, maybe I'll do haggis one day. My best mate's dad owns a sheep farm....now to get me a good un..........baaaa
> 
> %-}


 
Not knocking it..If you enjoy it ENJOY....It's not for me....


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## bydand

Oh why not, I'd give haggis a try.  I'm sure it isn't any more disgusting than what really goes into hot-dogs or bologna.  I've seen both of those items being made and still eat them. So, haggis just might stir up the Scottish genes and I'd like it.


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## Drac

bydand said:


> I'm sure it isn't any more disgusting than what really goes into hot-dogs or bologna. I've seen both of those items being made and still eat them


 
The problem is I don't see what goes into hot-dogs, not that I would eat the garden variety brands..It's Hebrew-National or nothing...



			
				bydand said:
			
		

> So, haggis just might stir up the Scottish genes and I'd like it.


 
Dude and give my Mom a heartattack..I'm Italian...LOL


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## bydand

Drac said:


> The problem is I don't see what goes into hot-dogs, not that I would eat the garden variety brands..It's Hebrew-National or nothing...



Better not to actually.  :barf:  Some are better than others though.


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## Tez3

Ah memories! I went to school and uni in Aberdeen. I loved stovies, Aberdeen rowies and tablet, well I still do! didn't like the wind roaring up Union Street though! I get up to Edinburgh and Glasgow sometimes for the MMA fights but haven't been back to Aberdeen for 20 odd years now.


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## wee_blondie

Tez3 said:


> Ah memories! I went to school and uni in Aberdeen. I loved stovies, Aberdeen rowies and tablet, well I still do! didn't like the wind roaring up Union Street though! I get up to Edinburgh and Glasgow sometimes for the MMA fights but haven't been back to Aberdeen for 20 odd years now.


 
Yup, nothing quite like the sea "breeze" bringing in the har...  Combined with the silver/grey granite - no wonder we're such a dour bunch!!!!!


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## TonyMac

Aufurfuksake is Irish as well.


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## bydand

TonyMac said:


> Aufurfuksake is Irish as well.



:lfao::roflmao::lfao:  No wonder that comes to my lips so easy.  I can blame it on my Scottish and Irish roots.


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## Shizen Shigoku

Scottish opinions on the 'American Kilt' ?
http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40426

I'm Scottish by ancestry (a sept of Clan Campbell), & I think they're awesome (though expensive -  ).

I have one and plan on getting another soon.


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## TimoS

A scottish friend of mine sent this one to me:

A Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, wi' his rear end aimed at an electric fire. 

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?" 

Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."


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## Drac

TimoS said:


> A scottish friend of mine sent this one to me:
> 
> A Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, wi' his rear end aimed at an electric fire.
> 
> The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
> 
> Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."


 

LOL...I LOVE jokes that I can retell with an accent...


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## wee_blondie

Aaah, yes utility kilts LOL!

I sent that link to a pal of mine who wants to wear something "different" when he goes climbing.  I suggested the survival model....and him being a true scot, well.......


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## wee_blondie

Drac said:


> LOL...I LOVE jokes that I can retell with an accent...


 
Hey Drac!

Hooz aboot:

Wan day a scotsman went tae visit his canadian pal.  Upon looking oot the windae he spied a great muckle beast wi a rack o antlers.

"Michtie me!" the scot exclaimed "Fits 'at?"
"A moose" said the cannuck
"Bloody hell, if thats the size of yer moose......


*wait for it*


.......how big are yer cats??!!"


:boing2: :roflmao: :boing2:


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## Drac

That was EXCELLENT:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## theletch1

Ok, stop with the jokes!  My wife says if I ruin one more keyboard by spittin' coffee all over it I'm in for it next time I'm her uke.:whip1:


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## TimoS

theletch1 said:


> Ok, stop with the jokes!  My wife says if I ruin one more keyboard by spittin' coffee all over it I'm in for it next time I'm her uke.:whip1:



Sorry, no can do 

Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. 

Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" 

"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." 

"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." 

"Aye, I know that." 

"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." 

"Aye I am that" 

"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." 

"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"


Another version of the same joke and one I personally like better (this one I remembered, but since I can't type the accent, I had to search for it, which how I came about the first version)


On the eve of the Gulf War 2, Angus Greenblatt came doon frae' the hills into Inverness to enlist in the Queen's Own Highlanders (Seaforths & Camerons). He presented himself before the Recruiting N.C.O., and according to orders, receited his credentials. The Warrant Officer nodded approvingly at his answers. Angus thought that he he was in for sure.
Suddenly, the Warrant Officer slammed Angus' file folder closed, and said: "Och lad, no go".
"wha'ts this, Sar't Major?" asked the perplexed Angus.
"We canne ha'e ye in the Yoonit," replied the Warrant.
"But why, Sarn't Major? " asked Angus. "Me family's lived in Scotland since the '45, and me faither sairved in North Africa in the Black Watch under Montgomery durrin Wairl Warr Twa. Why dinnae ye want me in the Yoounit?"
"Ye're circumcised, isnae that kerrect?" asked the Warrant.
"Aye", replied Angus. "And tha's an oondeniable fact."
"Och, lad, then that's the reason".
Angus drew himself up to his full height, looked the Warrant Officer in the eye, and said:
"Och. I can oonderstand that if a mannie wanted to join the Coldstream, or the Welsh or even the Scots Guards that he'd have to have the "proper family connections", but this is the fiurrst I eveer heard that ye had to be a complete prick to get into the Queen's Own Highlanders."


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## Drac

LOL..Excellent..


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## wee_blondie

Its a groaner.......  :lool: 


An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims" "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!" The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle!"

Well, says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrects him. "this is the Serious Burns Unit!"


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## Drac

Owwwwww!!!!!


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## theletch1

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.

A Scot is sittin' in a bar talking to another patron.
"Do ye see this bar, lad?  I built it wi me own two hands...but do they call me Angus the bar builder? no."

"Do ye see that bridge there?  Built that too, wi me own two hands.  But do they call me Angus the bridge builder? No!"

"That ale ye do be drinkin' I brewed wi me own two hands.  But do they call me Angus the brewer? No! But ya get caught pokin' one sheep!"


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## wee_blondie

:boing2: 

Love it!

Ooooh - one more quickie:

Scottish cure for seasickness: Haud yer heid o'wer the side, grippin a 10 pence piece a'twixt yer teeth.....


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## TimoS

theletch1 said:


> But ya get caught pokin' one sheep!"



Which reminds me: why do the scots wear a kilt?

Because the sheep can a hear the sound of the zipper...


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## Drac

*Subject:* The Irish Girl



An Irish girl had not been to her parents home for over 5 years. 
Upon her return her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why 
didn't you write us, not even a line did we get to let us know you were OK! 
Why didn't you call you little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum 
and me through!!?? 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad... I became a prostitute .. 

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to 
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" 

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, 
title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 
Â£5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the 
spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a 
lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you 
all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera, and..." 

"Now what was it you said you had become" the father interrupted? 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! .. Sniff, sniff" 

"Oh! Bejaysus girl! You half scared me ta death! I thought you said a 
Protestant!! C'mere and give the old man a hug!"


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## bushidomartialarts

what is it a scott wears under his kilt?









his wife's lipstick.





what is it an irishman wears under his kilt?






some scotsman's wife's lipstick


faith and begorrah.


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## Drac

Irish Humor:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been 
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his 
face is cut and bruised and he's walk ing with a limp.

What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
That little ****, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,

he must've had something in his hand."
That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible 
lickin' he gave me with it."
Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you 
have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of 
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*************************************************



An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from 
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all 
over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink 
this evening."
I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of 
your car?"
Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there I thought 
I'd gone deaf."
******************************************************


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning 
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away

last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary,did he have

any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask,
Mary?"
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
**************


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## shrek

I'm Irish, so I'm not quite cetain what "Nac Mac Feegle" means...translaton please?


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## TimoS

No idea if this is actually true, but it's still funny


Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet...
"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"


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