# Cat Bathing as a Martial Art



## Taimishu (Aug 17, 2004)

*Cat Bathing as a Martial Art* 





Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. 

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odours that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. 

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." 

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub: 

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalise on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) 

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. 

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. 

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) 

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. 

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.) 

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. 

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.


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## Gary Crawford (Aug 17, 2004)

LOL! Thank God it's not that tough!


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## Shodan (Aug 17, 2004)

Ha ha!!  Thanks for the laugh!!  I've owned cats my whole life and have had some interesting bathing experiences!


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## Feisty Mouse (Aug 17, 2004)

lol!!!

I'm a dog person myself - they may be sulky about it, but my (unhappy and scared) dog will still be called into the tub, and withstand the misery of bathing.  The joy of after-bathing is that he runs around the apartment, as if to say, "I'm alive!! I'm alive!!!" and wipes his wet doggy body, like a cat, on all the furniture.

One of my friends who is a very good martial artist used to have to bathe his girlfriend's cats every week.  When he told me this story, my jaw hit the table.  He's a patient guy.  He had to wrap each one.


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## Lisa (Aug 17, 2004)

Taimishu... that was priceless...

:rofl:


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## mj-hi-yah (Aug 17, 2004)

:lol: That was funny funny funny...now I want to see the video!:uhyeah:


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## Insedia_Cantharis (Aug 17, 2004)

er.... I WAS always a dog person...


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## shesulsa (Aug 17, 2004)

This is almost as good as how you give a cat a pill - administering oral medication to a feline is good training for NHB.


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## mj-hi-yah (Aug 17, 2004)

shesulsa said:
			
		

> This is almost as good as how you give a cat a pill - administering oral medication to a feline is good training for NHB.


Hee hee he...been there done that!


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## kenpo tiger (Aug 17, 2004)

I, for one, am hiding in the corner, waiting to make good my escape!  KT


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## Sarah (Aug 17, 2004)

I'm glad I am a dog person!!!


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## CanuckMA (Aug 17, 2004)

Remember that a dog as a master.

A cat has staff.


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## Sarah (Aug 17, 2004)

*Dog property laws*

1. If I like it, it's mine. 

2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 

6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 

8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours.


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## don bohrer (Aug 18, 2004)

Aw hell no!... I'm using my garden hose!  :EG: 

Don (El Paso)


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## Sarah (Aug 18, 2004)

don bohrer said:
			
		

> Aw hell no!... I'm using my garden hose! :EG:
> 
> Don (El Paso)


 

 He wont know what hit him....


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## TigerWoman (Aug 18, 2004)

Taimishu, that was pretty funny...the horrors of catbathing.  My poople (poodle 8 lb) gets bathed in the sink.  She just stands there and suffers the humility so I get it done quick quick.  Then she is quite ecstatic and realizes she too, is alive, alive....  Then I get to trim her which takes a lot longer...
TW


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