# Ten Simple Rules



## KenpoTex (Sep 10, 2004)

Thought I'd re-post this because of the "Dear Mom I elouped with my dopehead boyfriend" thread.

Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we could talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your pathetic little universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not F*** with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for an Iraqi main battle tank coming over a dune outside of Kuwait City. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is min


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## TigerWoman (Sep 10, 2004)

Sounds like rule #10 got updated.  I showed those to a young man dating our daughter who was actually too old for her.  He blanched, didn't think it was at all funny and thereafter, was much more prompt in bringing her home.  Maybe he got the gist.  TW


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## bignick (Sep 10, 2004)

i'm not gonna mess with any mother's on this board...i don't care how big i am


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## Silat Student (Sep 10, 2004)

We've always been fairly protective of all the females in my family (this both protects the females from the boys and vice versa, small angry scotch/irish women are not to be trifled with)....usually a conversation with the words "trip out to the swamp" and "visit the hog herds" included was enough to put the fear of God in any of 'em.


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## bignick (Sep 10, 2004)

well...i don't have any children, but i do have a little sister...and you can better believe that when she starts dating, her suitors are gonna know all about my martial arts experience


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## AaronLucia (Sep 11, 2004)

What do u do when you are more protective of her than her dad is?


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## Taimishu (Sep 11, 2004)

AaronLucia said:
			
		

> What do u do when you are more protective of her than her dad is?


In my case thats impossible. Mess with my daughter and you die, no kidding.
And the same goes for her children, they are my grandchildren.
You aint seen protective yet.

David


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## Chung Shim (Sep 14, 2004)

I only have two rules for my daughter and dating.

1. Never sleep with anyone on the first date.
2. Never date anybody twice.


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## Chronuss (Sep 14, 2004)

bignick said:
			
		

> i'm not gonna mess with any mother's on this board...i don't care how big i am


ain't that the truth....momma brought you in the world...momma take you out...:uhohh:


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## Kenpo Mama (Sep 14, 2004)

Chronuss said:
			
		

> ain't that the truth....momma brought you in the world...momma take you out...:uhohh:


Hey Chronuss, That's my Line!!!!!!

Donna :ultracool


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## Tkang_TKD (Sep 14, 2004)

Does having a chronicle of the entire family's martial arts experience throughout the house count as having warned the potential suitor of his impending doom?


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## Seig (Sep 15, 2004)

Personally I like it when someone comes into the house, sees all the MA displays and belts and my daughter says something like:

Don't touch those trophies, they're mine.
Don't touch those (insert belt/weapon here), they're my Mom's.
For the love of God, don't touch that, they're my Dad's and he just isn't right.


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## Chronuss (Sep 15, 2004)

Seig said:
			
		

> For the love of God, don't touch that, they're my Dad's and he just isn't right.


...not too far from the truth...


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## Chronuss (Sep 15, 2004)

if I ever have a female child....and she happens to bring a person of the male persausion to my abode...I'm going to pull him in real close so he and I can only hear the conversation...."You see her man...that's my only little girl...now look at me, boy...and if anything happens this evening that may offend me or cause her displeasure...I've only got one thing to say...I'm not afraid of going back to prison..."


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## Seig (Sep 15, 2004)

My Daughter can tell you, I have done the Al Bundy impression more than once, dragging a perspective beau out of the house by the scruff of the neck smacking his head into things on the way out.


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## Chronuss (Sep 15, 2004)

guess he wasn't a perspective beau after that...


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## bignick (Sep 15, 2004)

that's good...but seriously...i've got to call chronuss out on his arcade playing...you're the champion of too many things...it takes forever to get to your posts


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## Chronuss (Sep 15, 2004)

:waah: ....it's what I do after homework...reading a Tanenbaum book tends to fry the brain...


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## bignick (Sep 15, 2004)

Chronuss said:
			
		

> :waah: ....it's what I do after homework...reading a Tanenbaum book tends to fry the brain...


more truth to that than most people here understand...

_*Structured Computer Organzation*_ was almost the end of me

you are forgiven


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## Chronuss (Sep 15, 2004)

the book I have is for Comp. Arch....the best chapter has been the third...it was only twenty-two pages long...now remembering what was in those twenty-two pages on deadlocking and idle processes shall be another matter entirely...


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## bignick (Sep 15, 2004)

that the one with the cartoon building on the front cover?


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## Zepp (Sep 15, 2004)

When I first starting dating my current girlfriend, she made a point of making me scared of her family.  Now that we've been going out for nearly a year, and I've been to a few family functions, she's regretted this and is now trying to convine me that there's nothing to worry about.  Thank you all for reminding me what fear is for.


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## Raewyn (Sep 15, 2004)

It's times like these Im glad Ive had a boy, but than I suppose there is the inlaws to worry about!!


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## Chronuss (Sep 15, 2004)

bignick said:
			
		

> that the one with the cartoon building on the front cover?


no...got a picture of a friggin' Circus with all the people as metaphors for different jargon...such as a penguin for UNIX and Linux...a hot dog stand as a server and a buyer as a client...an equestrian parading around as a Trojan horse...and right behind that is a pile of feces labeled as a core dump...more time taken into the illustrations on the cover than making the text within the bindings comprehendible...


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