# Whitty One Liners



## ppko

I was hoping to get this thread going can't think of any right now but when I do I will put them down


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## bignick

where's hardheadjarhead when you need him


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## Sarah

Hope some of these make you smile: 

 


People like you are the reason people like me need medication

Constipated People Don't Give A crap

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person 

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down...    Before He Admits He is lost? 

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


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## bignick

Stupidity got us into this mess...why can't it get us out?


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## Sarah

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest??


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## Sarah

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


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## bignick

i've had a great time, but this wasn't it


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## Sarah

bignick said:
			
		

> i've had a great time, but this wasn't it


LOL......


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## Rich Parsons

bignick said:
			
		

> where's hardheadjarhead when you need him



Nice Whitty One liner


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## Rich Parsons

Sarah said:
			
		

> . . .
> This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
> . . .



I say, "yet it is funny now , only it was not when it happened to me"   :rofl:


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## Zepp

If I gave a crap, rest assured, I'd give it to you.


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## Sarah

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


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## Sarah

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!


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## Sarah

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.


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## bdparsons

Whitty one-liners??  Don't know but these sure sound WITTY to me!


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## Sarah

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.


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## Rich Parsons

bdparsons said:
			
		

> Whitty one-liners??  Don't know but these sure sound WITTY to me!



I am glad someone else got this


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## hardheadjarhead

bignick said:
			
		

> where's hardheadjarhead when you need him




Heck, you guys don't need me.  Sarah is kicking some serious okole here.

(_Okole_:  Hawaiian word for the buttocks.  _Puka_ means "hole."  Combine the two and you get...me.)


Regards,


Steve


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## bignick

hardheadjarhead said:
			
		

> (_Okole_: Hawaiian word for the buttocks. _Puka_ means "hole." Combine the two and you get...me.)
> 
> 
> Regards,
> 
> 
> Steve


i knew you wouldn't be able to come in here without dropping something


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## MA-Caver

If I want any crap outta you, I'll squeeze your head.

I already got an arsehole... I don't need YOU.

Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?

Did you play under powerlines when you were a kid?


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## bignick

alright... alot of these are just good quotes...but most of them bring a smile to my face

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying." 
- Woody Allen

I think it would be a good idea." 
- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization 

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." 

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." 

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." 

"Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" 

"I would have made a good Pope." 
- Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)

"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so." 

"When ideas fail, words come in very handy."

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." 

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." 
- Elvis Presley (1935-1977) 

"I am not young enough to know everything."

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." 
- Al Capone (1899-1947) 

"I don't feel good." 
- The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926) 

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." 
- last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923) 

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." 
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." 
- Yogi Berra 

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher." 
- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964) 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." 
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate." 
- Unibomber Theodore Kaczynski, when asked in court what his current profession was

"Woman was God's second mistake." 

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." 
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

"Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies." 
- Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.

"A witty saying proves nothing." 
- Voltaire (1694-1778)


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## jukado1

The bigger they are the HARDER they hit.

A bird in the hand is very messy.

The early bird gets the worm, but I hate worms so I'm sleeping in.

I'm getting older, and slower but I've still got my looks,  And if thats not 3 strikes I don't know what is.

I still have the body of a well conditioned athlete, Unfortunately its under all this fat.


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## Tkang_TKD

Hmmm... I've got a couple.  Some are pretty borderline though...


1. The best part of you obviously ran down your mothers leg.

2. I bet your dad wishes your mom would have swallowed.

3. You are proof positive that inbreeding is a bad idea...

4. It's hard to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.

5. Some people hit rock bottom before they try to help themselves. You decided to start digging once you got there.

6. You obviously evolved from the shallow end of the gene pool.

7. It's not that my standards are high, in fact they're quite low. You just consistently fail to meet them anyway.

8. See a penny and pick it up.  You have one stinkin penny. What a waste of effort.

9. Let your dreams take you where you may go. When you wake up, for the love of God, please stay there!

10. If you didn't hear a loud pop when you woke up this morning, perhaps its time to remove your head from your @ss.


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## bignick

> 10. If you didn't hear a loud pop when you woke up this morning, perhaps its time to remove your head from your @ss.



i like that one...for some reason it reminds me of a signature on bodybuilding forum my friend showed me "Your just one more ****head to add to my I-hate-everybody list..."


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## Chronuss

I'll start exercising when I'm in shape...oh..wait..._round_ is a shape...


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## Zepp

"People with guns aren't understanding.  That's why they have guns,- too many misunderstandings." -_Jerry Seinfeld_


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## KenpoTex

"The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese"

"My mind is like a steel trap...rusty and illegal in 37 states."


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## OUMoose

Were you born this dumb, or did you have to take a class?


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## KenpoGirl

okay I have to ad my personal favourite

"I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me"   

story of my life

Dot
:angel:


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## The Kai

"If at first you don't succeed, for god's sake give up-there is no need to make a foll of your self also"

"when you were in line for brains, you thought God said trains and replied "No thank you - I'm not going any where"


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## Baytor

-I'm not wierd, I'm gifted.

-It's only kinky the first time.

-Fat people are harder to kidnap.

-Don't think the police help?  Next time you're in trouble, call a crackhead.

-Organized people are too lazy to look for things.

-Dyslectics of the world untie!

-I'm not useless, I can be used as a bad example!

-It's a shame that stupidity isn't painful.


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## KenpoTex

"Quitters never win and winners never quit...people who never win and never quit are just stupid"

"When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you"

"Never hit a man when he's down...it's much easier to kick him"


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## Silat Student

"Your depriving a village somewhere of it's idiot."


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## Sarah

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. 

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. 

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. 

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. 

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!


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## Raewyn

Assasins usually do it from behind

Athiesm is a non-prophet organisation

Borrow money from a pessimist - they dont expect it back

Consciousness - that annoying time between naps

Dont drink and drive, you may hit a bump and spill your drink

Ever stop to think and forget to start again??

Get a new car for your spouse, it'll be a nice trade

Good judgement comes from bad expericence and alot of that comes from bad experience.

Honk if you wanna see my finger

Go to my room, youve been naughty

I used to have a handle on life and than it broke

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view


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## Raewyn

Okay,, okay one more


Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails!!


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## Raewyn

Oh man, I cant resist


Man who eats many prunes get good run for money


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## ppko

thanks for the posts I have really enjoyed reading them all, man Sarah do you have enough or what. I have deffinately done a lot of laughing reading all of yours:lol:


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## Silat Student

Glad to be in the presence of so many whitty ladies.


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## Raewyn

Few woman admit their age, few men act theirs


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## Chronuss

hey....I resemble that remark...:uhyeah:


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## Raewyn

Man, this is just too too easy heres some more>>>>>>>>>>>>

Im_ not your type: Im not inflatable_

_Sarcasm is just one more service we offer_

_Im doing my best to imagine you with a personality_

_Not all men are annoying - some are dead_

_Its not the size that counts, its the, umm,.......actually it is the size_


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## Sarah

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm 

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese


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## Sarah

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week


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## Tkang_TKD

Raisin said:
			
		

> Few woman admit their age, few men act theirs


That's not true! I act my age....Or at least some fraction of it


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## Chronuss

yeah...what he said.


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## Raewyn

"Whatever kind of look you were going for......you missed"

http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001


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## Sarah

Hehehehe





			
				Raisin said:
			
		

> "Whatever kind of look you were going for......you missed"


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## Chronuss

Raisin said:
			
		

> "Whatever kind of look you were going for......you missed"


...I resemble that one too...:wah:


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## Raewyn

Chronuss;  Im sure you're one handsome dude!!!


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## Raewyn

Sarah said:
			
		

> Hehehehe


 Thought that was my best one!!!!!!  I'll have to use that one on the guys at work


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## Sarah

Go into Chronuss's public profile he has a photo!!!!! http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001 

 





			
				Raisin said:
			
		

> Chronuss; Im sure you're one handsome dude!!!


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## Chronuss

only thing I got going for me is that I'm not walking around campus with a codpiece on the outside of my sweat pants unlike one fellow I occassionally see...and moreover I don't think I own a pair of sweat pants...


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## Raewyn

Sarah said:
			
		

> Go into Chronuss's public profile he has a photo!!!!! http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001


 I had a bit of a look - not bad at all!!!!


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## Chronuss

yes...I have the body of a god...too bad it happens to be Buddha...


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## Sarah

Chronuss said:
			
		

> yes...I have the body of a god...too bad it happens to be Buddha...


hehehehe

dont be shy baby..your a sexy beast and you know it.


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## Chronuss

beast...as in yeti....yes...


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## Sarah

Chronuss said:
			
		

> beast...as in yeti....yes...


I accidentally laughed at a client on the phone just now when I read that!!!!

You are to funny


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## Chronuss

when you see the foot prints in the snow...then it'll all click...


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## Raewyn

Before a man can stand, he must learn to kneel


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## Sarah

Chronuss said:
			
		

> when you see the foot prints in the snow...then it'll all click...


 
You are such a funny bugger!!


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## Chronuss

first a beast...now a bug....at least she didn't call me a tick, then I'd be a bloodsucker....


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## Seig

Save a tree, wipe your *** with an owl.

I am mean, nasty, cruel, anti-social, but basically happy.

You are a good excuse for birth controi.

So many *******s, so few bullets.

Why is it that it can take 10 years to pay for a divorce but you only have to do three years for murder?

It's a good day to die, keep honking.

My neighbor is the governor of the State of Intoxication.

Women have false eyelashes, fake nails, wigs, and fake boobs, yet want a real man.


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## Chronuss

If you were a porkchop, you'd be the smartest porkchop in the world, unfortunately you're human so your pretty fu***** stupid.

One of the main things we know about chickens is...they're tasty.

I love eating. If I had an infinite amount of food in the world, it'd be finite by now...


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## Tkang_TKD

Ladies:  Spandex is a PRIVILEDGE not a RIGHT!

(ducking for cover.....)


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## Raewyn

Tkang_TKD said:
			
		

> Ladies:  Spandex is a PRIVILEDGE not a RIGHT!
> 
> (ducking for cover.....)


 Needing a man is like needing a parachute, if he isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont be needing him again!!


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## Raewyn

Accept that some days your the pigeon, and some days your the statue!!


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## Raewyn

Man..............they just keep on coming


I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow isnt looking good either

If only the good die young, what does that say about senior citizens??


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## Chronuss

Raisin said:
			
		

> If only the good die young, what does that say about senior citizens??


that they like to drive in front of me just to piss me off....:tantrum:


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## Sarah

LOL.............



			
				Chronuss said:
			
		

> If you were a porkchop, you'd be the smartest porkchop in the world, unfortunately you're human so your pretty fu***** stupid.


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## Taimishu

If brains were dynamite you could'nt blow your nose.

If brains were cotton wool then you could'nt make a tampon for a parrot.

My town is so small the main drag is the local transvestite.

You look like a million dollars, green and crinkled.

Be a good shepherd and get the flock outta here.

Sir, myself being a gentleman cannot tell my secrtary what I think of you, she being a lady could not write it if I did, you being neither know exactly what I mean.

David


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## Chronuss

I like long walks especially when they're taken by people like you.

Remember the time i told you that you were cool? I lied.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?


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## Taimishu

I went to Salt Lake City once,
it was closed.

David


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## Chicago Green Dragon

Your Kimono or Mine  :uhyeah: 

Chicago Green Dragon

 :asian:


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## Raewyn

Chicago Green Dragon said:
			
		

> Your Kimono or Mine :uhyeah:
> 
> Chicago Green Dragon
> 
> :asian:


 


 

LOL!!!!!!!


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## Chicago Green Dragon

Thanks

I love that laughing icon

hahahahahha

Chicago Green Dragon


 :asian:


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## Raewyn

Next time you wave, make sure you use all your fingers!

He who smiles during a crisis has found someone to blame!!


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## Chicago Green Dragon

Raisin said:
			
		

> Next time you wave, make sure you use all your fingers!
> 
> He who smiles during a crisis has found someone to blame!!




Hahahahahhahahahahaha

:lool:


I like that one with the fingers...

Chicago Green Dragon

 :asian:


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## Baytor

-Guns don't kill people, kids that play video games kill people.

-When you want to say something mean to someone, walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, they are a mile away and you have free shoes.


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## Raewyn

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and bigfoot on the UFO


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## bignick

IamBaytor said:
			
		

> -When you want to say something mean to someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, they are a mile away and you have free shoes.


My version is walk a mile in their shoes because then you're a mile away and it's harder for them to chase you.


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## Raewyn

A closed mouth gathers no foot


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## Chronuss

IamBaytor said:
			
		

> -Guns don't kill people, kids that play video games kill people.


you people just keep describing me more and more....it's creppy...:uhohh:


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## bignick

guns don't kill people, bullets dont' kill people....massive trauma and blood loss do...


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## Rich Parsons

bignick said:
			
		

> guns don't kill people, bullets dont' kill people....massive trauma and blood loss do...



Actually I think it is Anoxia, or the lack of oxygen to the brain, that kills people. Yes there are factors that lead up to the loss of that oxygen , such as blood loss from a bullet or two.  The things your remember from Trivia Pursuit


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## bignick

fair enough...trivial pursuit...i was wondering how i knew there are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball...or that stewardesses is the longest word in english you can type with only the left hand...


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## Flatlander

Go to the obscure facts and trivia thread I started here, if you have more to add.....


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## MA-Caver

bignick said:
			
		

> guns don't kill people, bullets dont' kill people....massive trauma and blood loss do...


HA! How's this quote: 





> "Guns don't kill people, *APES* with guns kill people!" ~Charlton Heston~


 (the guy wigged out for a moment)


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## Chronuss

If I wanted your opinion...I'd beat it out of you...

Don't make me sick my flying monkeys on you...

Decals on your car add 15hp.


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## Raewyn

Chronuss said:
			
		

> If I wanted your opinion...I'd beat it out of you...
> 
> Don't make me sick my flying monkeys on you...
> 
> Decals on your car add 15hp.


 Rock on with your bad self!!   lol


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## Sarah

Chronuss said:
			
		

> A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.


A day without sunshine is like....night!!   http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001


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## Raewyn

If a turtle does'nt have a shell, is he homeless or naked!!!!


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## Sarah

Thought these were a bot of a giggle:


Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.


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## Sarah

and this one:

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.


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## Raewyn

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time


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## Chronuss

Sarah said:
			
		

> A day without sunshine is like....night!!


...I have that as an away message....mine...all mine...:armed:...along with "Chicks dig geeks.  "


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## Chronuss

Raisin said:
			
		

> If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked!!!!


that would qualify as both...and boy would that suck.


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## Raewyn

"Whip it out and show me what ya got, I wanna make sure Im not disappointed later!!!"


The face is familiar but I cant quite remember my name!

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alchohol content


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## Tkang_TKD

If ignorance is bliss, you are the king (queen) of multiple orgasms...


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## Chronuss

Raisin said:
			
		

> The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alchohol content


that sounds more like you've got blood in your alcohol...


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## Raewyn

Chronuss said:
			
		

> that sounds more like you've got blood in your alcohol...


 and  tea in my sugar!!!!  lol


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## Sarah

Chronuss said:
			
		

> that sounds more like you've got blood in your alcohol...


Have way to much blood in my alcohol system.


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## Raewyn

Im sorry Im suffering from temporary blindness, I cant see myself coming into work today.


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## Chronuss

best pick-up line I've ever heard...I nearly choked, fell over, and cracked my head...

"Do you have keg in your back pocket, cause I'd really like to tap that ***..."

find an emoticon for that!


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## Raewyn




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## Chronuss

that's rather disturbing...and humorous at the same time...


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## Chronuss

...guys...if you ever have a girlfriend that wants you to hang from a ceiling fan, cluck like a chicken with a bottle up your ****...run...or have another beer...whatever tickles your fancy.


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## Mark Weiser

Being a Male Nurse by trade I think I may have heard just about every compliant that a woman has or is going to have in the area of Men vs Women Debate. 

For Instance Female Nurse speaking 

"Sir I have to inform you that the procedure required to fix your condition is not available. The Doctors have run many test and have come to the conclusion that your condition is terminal. I am sorry. There is no cure currently for F.O.S syndrome in which we have found you have thru amble evidence provided by your wife and girlfriend(another story)." 

F.O. S. Syndrome = Full of S###


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## Raewyn

Friends help you move......real friends help you move the bodies11


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## Chronuss

a friend'll come bail you out of jain in the middle of the night...a real friend's sitting right there beside you in the cell saying, "She didn't look like a hooker, did she?"


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## Sarah

Chronuss said:
			
		

> that's rather disturbing...and humorous at the same time...


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## Chronuss

friggin' smilies...they're gonna take over the world some day...:uhohh:


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## Chronuss

if something jams, force it...if it breaks, it needed replacing anyways.


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## Raewyn

Always remember your unique, just like everybody else!!


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## Baytor

Fight crime....Shoot back.


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## Raewyn

Boycott shampoo!! Demand the reel poo!!


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## FUZZYJ692000

Chronuss said:
			
		

> a friend'll come bail you out of jain in the middle of the night...a real friend's sitting right there beside you in the cell saying, "She didn't look like a hooker, did she?"




You messed that one up....that can't apply to well it could but in majority it doesn't apply to females...it's suppoe to be sitting beside you saying "man wasn't that great" or something in that effect.....

If it won't work beat it.......always works for the computer and tv  :uhyeah:


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## FUZZYJ692000

i thought this cute when i was at john hopkins...nurse was taking a history with a bum and asked him if you won the lottery where would you go...when he asked what type of question is that, she said it was so that they could find him to get their money


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## FUZZYJ692000

there are no stupid questions, just stupid people  artyon:


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## Chronuss

FUZZYJ692000 said:
			
		

> You messed that one up....that can't apply to well it could but in majority it doesn't apply to females...it's suppoe to be sitting beside you saying "man wasn't that great" or something in that effect.....


yeah...I do believe you completely screwed _that _up...time to start thinking before you type...


Think about what you just said....and then regret it...

Maybe you should just rip your head off, then you'd look okay...

Pull your lower lip over your head and swallow...

She's kinda like a sand wedge, she looks good from 100 yards away...

It's not a beer belly...it's the fuel tank for the love machine...


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## Shodan

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.


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## Chronuss

You must be God's gift to the wolrd...a gag gift.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...or makes you want to kill yourself...

I'd rather be the smartass than the dumbass...

Sometimes you open your mouth and stupid just falls right out...


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## Tgace

Sir, were you trying to back through time?

-said on a traffic stop to a speeder....


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## Posiview

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be. 

A fair face may fade, but a beautiful soul last forever. 

A computer beat me at chess once. 
But, it was no match for me at kick boxing.


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## Darksoul

One of my all time favs:

"If it ain't broke, fix it till it is!"



A---)


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## Angelusmortis

Never argue with an idiot...They'll just drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience!!


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## ppko

Every time I talk to you I lose IQ points.

If you were as smart as you looked than you'd still be pretty stupid.


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## Sarah

hehehehe  





			
				ppko said:
			
		

> Every time I talk to you I lose IQ points.
> 
> If you were as smart as you looked than you'd still be pretty stupid.


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## Chronuss

Growing old is mandatory....growing up is optional.   

If you must know...I wasn't kissing her...I was just getting my gum back.

No, sorry...I have a date with my blanket and pillow, I'll tell you how it went in the morning.


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## bignick

it's better to be pissed off than pissed on...


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## Lisa

I used to be conceited, but now I am perfect!


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## Chronuss

Sometimes you're drunk, and that's not really love...

No one has more time on their hands than someone who's incarcerated...

If I could clone myself I'd date you...except for the fact that you're not my type.


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## Silat Student

Smith & Wesson, The ultimate point and click interface.

I have so many good points I'm a perfect sphere.


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## shesulsa

Please speak slower - I'm not fluent in Idiot.


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## Raewyn

If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried!!


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## Raewyn

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice!!


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## Raewyn

The best way to a man's heart is too saw his breast plate open!!


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## shesulsa

Anyone remember this oldy but goody?

 "If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back, it's yours.  If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it."


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## ppko

I will only die when I ceise to live


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## ppko

Noto be conceided or any anything but I am the best


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## Neckbones

I could eat alphabet soup and crap a better conversation than this.
It takes a big man to :waah: , but it takes a bigger man to :lol: at that man.


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## The Kai

If you can do it it ain't bragging

Yogi Berra


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## The Kai

You'll have to excuse me Ladies

"If it's got Titts or Tires, sooner or later it'll give you a headache"


----------



## shesulsa

The more time I spend with men, the more I love my dog.


----------



## Silat Student

Something one of my friends (a jar head) always says. 

It always feels better when it stops hurting.


----------



## Seig

It can't hurt that bad, I don't feel it.


----------



## OUMoose

If it moves, kill it...

If it doesn't move, wait till it moves, then kill it...


----------



## Flatlander

He who laughs last didn't get it.


----------



## shesulsa

I like this one and have been tempted SO many times to use it:

 "So, how do you feel about the expensive and obviously low-quality college education you received?"


----------



## ppko

flatlander said:
			
		

> He who laughs last didn't get it.


very good one :lol: but the only problem is that I laghed last


----------



## Silat Student

One I ran across recently, a paraphrase of an oldie but goodie;

"Keelhaul 'em all and let the sharks sort 'em out."


----------



## Melissa426

"What's another word for synonym?"  -- Steven Wright

(you have to say it with a completely deadpan look on your face)


----------



## bignick

Melissa426 said:
			
		

> "What's another word for synonym?" -- Steven Wright
> 
> (you have to say it with a completely deadpan look on your face)


i really like this one


----------



## OUMoose

hmmmmmm.... How's come phonetic isn't?


----------



## Sarah

*Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. *


*You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!*


----------



## Sarah

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 

 

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.    lol


----------



## Sarah

_ok, ok can you tell im bored at work today:_

*The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.*


----------



## Mark L

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.


----------



## Sarah

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared. 

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.


----------



## Flatlander

Mark L said:
			
		

> There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.


:rofl:  Hahahahahahahahahaaaaa!


----------



## bignick

Mark L said:
			
		

> There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.


the strangest thing, while i was taking digital logic a while back, a buddy of mine was wearing a shirt that said this...and it made perfect sense to me....absolute...perfect....base 2 sense...


----------



## OUMoose

Sarah said:
			
		

> I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.



ROFL!  I love that one...  Gotta get a Tshirt of that or something.


----------



## shesulsa

My apologies if this has already been posted:

 "You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a darn."

 "My psychic told me I'd meet someone like you and to avoid you, so if you'll excuse me ... "

 "Ever been *****-slapped?"

 "I think I need a Rage Anonymous meeting."


----------



## loki09789

Can't remember if I posted this already:

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you the perscription on my glasses is wearing out..." the faces are great!


----------



## Sarah

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.


----------



## Sarah

*Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.* http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm41442US


----------



## someguy

If at first you don't sucseed sky diving isn't for you.


----------



## Sarah

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! 



			
				someguy said:
			
		

> If at first you don't sucseed sky diving isn't for you.


----------



## Rynocerous

A few one liners for all of you to enjoy.


A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Cheers,

Ryan


----------



## Chronuss

Jesus may love you...but everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole.


----------



## Raewyn

He who laughs last, porbably didnt get the joke!!!!


----------



## Chronuss

Don't make me sic my flying monkeys on you!!!


----------



## Raewyn

*You cant have everything!!!!!!!  Where would you put it!!!*


----------



## Chronuss

I like you...when I take over the world, your death shall be quick and painless.


----------



## Raewyn

I intend to live forever................ so far so good!


----------



## Chronuss

I'm heavily medicated for your safety....


----------



## Raewyn

the only difference between your rut and grave is the depth!!


----------



## Raewyn

Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere!


----------



## Chronuss

Of course we I think we evolved from monkeys...just look at your mom.


----------



## MA-Caver

A pick up line for every girl that is SURE to work... heh heh


----------



## Chronuss

whew...ahem......back on topic....

The last thing I wanna do is hurt you....but it's still on the list.  :EG:


----------



## jfarnsworth

Raisin said:
			
		

> *You cant have everything!!!!!!!  Where would you put it!!!*



I know, I know!!!!!!!!!


----------



## jfarnsworth

MACaver said:
			
		

> A pick up line for every girl that is SURE to work... heh heh



Damned guarantee!!!


----------



## Chronuss

Hey, the circus is in town...we can go see where your mom works.


----------



## Silat Student

You can shoot some of the people all the time and all of the people some of the time but if you shoot everybody everytime than your gonna run outta ammo.


----------



## Silat Student

Raisin is your new avatar from the Leisure Suit Larry game?


----------



## Chronuss

If I got smart with you...how would you know...?


----------



## FUZZYJ692000

MACaver said:
			
		

> A pick up line for every girl that is SURE to work... heh heh




hum...i think you put that one in the wrong thread shouldn't that be in the pick up line one


----------



## Chronuss

...there are no stupid questions...but there sure are a hell of a lot of inquisitive idiots.


----------



## Gary Crawford

I've never met any "normal" people..................What do they act like?


----------



## FUZZYJ692000

now if they are idiots they won't understand inquisitive...it is there are no stupid questions, just stupid people...i recommend not telling that to a person...i kind of offended someone apparently when they asked if they could ask me a stupid question..oops


----------



## Chronuss

Nine out of ten voices in my head say kill the other voice...


----------



## KenpoTess

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors, but dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?


----------



## Chronuss

Death is nature's way of slowing down.


----------



## Raewyn

Silat Student said:
			
		

> Raisin is your new avatar from the Leisure Suit Larry game?


 
Its my alter-ego!!!!!


----------



## Raewyn

Impotence................ natures way of saying  "No hard feelings!"


----------



## Chronuss

There is a thin, red line between eccentricity and insanity. That thin red line is a tiny pink dot to me.


----------



## Sarah

Here is a few of the one liners from Mike Schiavello, an Aussie K1 Commentator from tonight&#8217;s K1 Oceania Max fights, _(Jordan Tai is the best)_

Harder to pick than a broken noise

All over him like a fat kid on a cup cake

Takeing more knocks than a front door

Faster than a speeding ticket

More hooks than a tackle box

All over him like wax on a hairy leg


----------



## Sarah

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 

Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.


----------



## MA-Caver

10 million sperm and YOU were the fastest??


----------



## KenpoTex

Chronuss said:
			
		

> ...there are no stupid questions...but there sure are a hell of a lot of inquisitive idiots.


Whahahahaha! I love it! :roflmao:


----------



## Rynocerous

Raisin said:
			
		

> Impotence................ natures way of saying "No hard feelings!"


I love it Raisin, probably my favorite yet.


----------



## Chronuss

The colder the X-Ray table, the of your body is required on it...


----------



## shesulsa

MACaver said:
			
		

> 10 million sperm and YOU were the fastest??


  :rofl::rofl::rofl::roflmao::rofl::roflmao::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Chronuss

Some people are like slinkies...not really good for anything...but you can't help laughing when you push them down the stairs.


----------



## shesulsa

"Talk a little slower - I don't speak stupid."

_(must be articulated slowly in a loud voice)_


----------



## Chronuss

I think all people suffer from an identity crisis at some point...makes me glad I'm a rabbit.


----------



## Chronuss

He's got a mind like a steel trap......rusty and illegal in 37 states.


----------



## jaymo

"i'd like to have your respect, but i'd rather keep mine"-the butchies


----------



## Sarah

*A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.*

*A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.*

*All signs in metric for the next 20 miles.  -- road sign in Ohio*

*All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.*

*As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?*

*You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.*


----------



## FUZZYJ692000

Sarah said:
			
		

> *You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.*



wow that i so true  :uhyeah:


----------



## Chronuss

You should always right your name on your underwear...see, I'm Machine Cold Wash.


----------



## Sarah

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.


----------



## Chronuss

The main reason Santa is so damn jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live...he needs to share the wealth.


----------



## Sarah

Ive already told you Chad...HAMILTON





			
				Chronuss said:
			
		

> The main reason Santa is so damn jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live...he needs to share the wealth.


----------



## Chronuss

Drink til she's cute...but stop before the wedding.


----------



## MA-Caver

I'll speak slower if you agree to be smarter.


----------



## ppko

MACaver said:
			
		

> I'll speak slower if you agree to be smarter.


Every time I talk to you I lose IQ points


----------



## Chronuss

ppko said:
			
		

> Every time I talk to you I lose IQ points


Man...that's a special kind of stupid.


----------



## Raewyn

Take my advise...... I dont use it anyway


----------



## jfarnsworth

Sarah said:
			
		

> *All signs in metric for the next 20 miles.  -- road sign in Ohio*
> 
> 
> *You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.*




1. Hey now! :jedi1:    

2. Now that's fricking funny! :uhyeah:


----------



## Sarah

*Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?*


----------



## Raewyn

*If at first you dont succeed......then skydiving is not for you!!!*


----------



## Satt

Two fish are in a tank and one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"


Wait, that wasn't witty...it was just a bad joke. Sorry guys.


----------



## Sarah

Thats what makes it funny....hahahaha





			
				Satt said:
			
		

> Two fish are in a tank and one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
> 
> 
> Wait, that wasn't witty...it was just a bad joke. Sorry guys.


----------



## Raewyn

Next time you wave........... USE ALL YOUR FINGERS!!!!


----------



## Chronuss

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Twenty-four hours in a day...twenty-four beers in a case...coincidence?  I think not.


----------



## Baytor

Just got this in my email, thought I would add it in...

*Corallaries to Murphy's Law:*
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends....if they're ok, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in labaratory rats.
8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
9. The bridges you burn behind you will likely turn out to be your only route of escape.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


----------



## Silat Student

A slightly redneck motto (but extremely fitting): Save a horse, Ride a Cowboy! 

I refuse to get into a battle of wits with an unarmed man. 

Conciousness: That annoying state between naps.

And from thinkgeek.com (the home of the caff-fiend) some motto's from Inspirational Posters:

MOTIVATION.
If A Pretty Poster And A Cute Saying Are All It Takes To Motivate You, You Probably Have A Very Easy Job. The Kind Robots Will Be Doing Soon.

Potential 
Not Everyone Gets To Be An Astronaut When They Grow Up.

Achievement 
You Can Do Anything You Set Your Mind To When You Have Vision, Determination, And An Endless Supply Of Cheap Labor. 

Teamwork 
A Few Harmless Flakes Working Together Can Unleash An Avalanche Of Destruction. 

Ambition 
The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Sometimes Ends Very, Very Badly.

Meetings 
None Of Us Is As Dumb As All Of Us.

Procrastination 
"Hard Work Often Pays Off After Time, but Laziness Always Pays Off Now." 

Idiocy 
Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups. 

Apathy 
If We Don't Take Care of the Customer, Maybe They'll Stop Bugging Us. 

Consulting 
If You're Not A Part Of The Solution, There's Good Money To Made In Prolonging The Problem. 

Indifference 
It Takes 43 muscles to Frown and 17 to Smile, But It Doesn't Take Any To Just Sit There With A Dumb Look On Your Face.

Mediocrity 
It Takes a Lot Less Time and Most People Won't Notice the Difference Until It's Too Late. 

Cluelessness 
There Are No Stupid Questions, But There Are A Lot Of Inquisitive Idiots. 

Despair 
It's Always Darkest just Before it goes Pitch Black. 

Mistakes 
It Could Be that the Purpose of Your Life Is Only to Serve as a Warning to Others.

Incompetence 
"When You Earnestly Believe You Can Compensate For A Lack Of Skill By Doubling Your Efforts, There's No End To What You Can't Do." 

Elitism 
It's Lonely At The Top. But It's Comforting To Look Down Upon Everyone At The Bottom.


----------



## Chronuss

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


----------



## Flatlander

You can't have manslaughter without laughter. :rofl:  I love that one.

He who laughs last, laughs alone.


----------



## Chronuss

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.


----------



## Sarah

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're a bloody idiot.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty things.


----------



## OUMoose

Sarah said:
			
		

> Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty things.



Well... That's no fun...


----------



## jfarnsworth

Sarah said:
			
		

> Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
> 
> Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty things.




1. I see this everyday of my life... well actually monday to friday!

2.    Why?


----------



## Chronuss

Never wrestle with a pig...you'll both get dirty and the pig likes it...


----------



## Sarah

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


----------



## Sarah

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.


----------



## MA-Caver

From: The Usual Suspects
Kujan: Have you heard of Kaiser Sose?
Verbal Kint: (answering) Have you heard of a religous guy named John Paul?


----------



## Sarah

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


----------



## Chronuss

The things I fear may all be imaginary, so what I fear most is my imagination.


----------



## hardheadjarhead

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.



Regards,


Steve


----------



## Silat Student

I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.


Salad is what food eats.


----------



## Chronuss

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.


----------



## Sarah

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


----------



## Sarah

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.


----------



## Chronuss

Marriage means committment...of course, so does insanity.


----------



## KenpoTex

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


----------



## Sarah

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.


----------



## Chronuss

Everything is possible, except skiing through revolving doors.


----------



## someguy

Alot of these have been said so forgive me if some one said this already.
Save a tree wipe with an owl.


----------



## shesulsa

What part of the word "gotheheckaway" do you not understand?


----------



## Chronuss

someguy said:
			
		

> Save a tree wipe with an owl.


Or you can save a tree and eat a beaver.


----------



## Adept

Anything said by Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in _Full Metal Jacket_.

 Damn I love that man. I want my own gunny Hartman doll.


----------



## Chronuss

I love defenseless animals, especially in good gravy.


----------



## KenpoTess

"What are you doing?" a man asked of three laborers beside a building under construction. 
The first man replied, "Stone-cuttin."
The second smiled, "Putting in time until a better job comes along." 
The third man waited a moment and then said simply, "I m building a cathedral."


----------



## Chronuss

It's a small world...unless you gotta walk home.


----------



## Xequat

Chronuss said:
			
		

> Or you can save a tree and eat a beaver.


I like your thinking.

Here's some more:

When leaving:
     -Let's make like baby and head out.
     -Let's make like a fart and blow this hole.

I married Mrs. Right...I just didn't know her first name was Always.  (OK, it's old.)
Hey, you're kinda cute when I'm drunk.
I'm the humblest person ever.
I'm so confused...wait a second, no I'm not.
What Would Jesus Do...........for a Klondike bar?
He gets more *** than a toilet seat.
Opinions are like a-holes...everybody has one and they all stink.
Don't eat yellow snow.
Another Steven Wright one that I like...One time, I got so drunk that the room started to spin.  Then it stopped and I flew out the window.
From "Christmas Vacation:"  You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerine plant!

Does this train of thought have a caboose?

*Post Edited for Content* ~Tess -MT S. MOD-


----------



## Erik

If you can see it, it can't be that far (to understand the irony, note that this was spoken by my old platoon sergeant).

A ***** state - mental constapation coupled with verbal diarhea.

Don't poop where you eat.


----------



## Xequat

spoken : I have derbal vyslexia.


----------



## Sarah

For Sale: One computer slightly used.  One bullet hole in screen.

The other night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the roof?"

When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.


----------



## Raewyn

The earth is full........... go home!


----------



## Cthulhu

He/she is a poster-child for legalized retroactive birth control.

 Cthulhu


----------



## ppko

Take me drunk I'm home

I'm lost take me home with you


----------



## OUMoose

I am reminded of the immortal words of Socrates who said:  "... I drank what?"


----------



## Chronuss

If God dropped acid...would he see people...?


----------



## Raewyn

Two elephants walk off a cliff...............................................................................




BOOM!!   BOOM!!!


----------



## Sarah

HAHAHA





			
				Raisin said:
			
		

> Two elephants walk off a cliff...............................................................................
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BOOM!! BOOM!!!


----------



## Raewyn

If you get to thinkin  you are a person with some influence........ try orderin' someone else's dog around!!


----------



## Raewyn

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


----------



## Sarah

I get a quick reality check just ordering my own dogs around...hehe



			
				Raisin said:
			
		

> If you get to thinkin you are a person with some influence........ try orderin' someone else's dog around!!


----------



## Raewyn

If you cant beat your computer a chess...............try kickboxing!!


----------



## Raewyn

*What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside 

*


----------



## ppko

I believe that DCobb has this under his name instead of his rank I found it funny

Kyusho whats the point


----------



## ppko

I had to drive officer I was to drunk to walk.

I know that you shouldn't drink and drive but hey that is pretty funny


----------



## Chronuss

for the MT ladies.........

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group...  :wink1:


----------



## Sarah

Hehehe....wait till Homy see's this one!!!





			
				Raisin said:
			
		

> *What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?*
> 
> *A porcupine has the pricks on the outside *


----------



## Chronuss

for us geeks...  

C program run...C program crash...C programmer quit.


----------



## Sarah

*Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?*


----------



## Chronuss

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

...and you know the ones of you with children have experienced this..


----------



## Silat Student

Shoot man, about 10 year go I asked that question....


----------



## Raewyn

Sarah said:
			
		

> Hehehe....wait till Homy see's this one!!!


 Why??????    Does Homy own one??????    LOL


----------



## Homy

Raisin said:
			
		

> Why?????? Does Homy own one?????? LOL


Not one.....Three
and now we shall punish you for your Heretical slander..:mp5: 

*minions of Homy..attack ze infadel :whip:


----------



## Raewyn

Homy said:
			
		

> Not one.....Three
> and now we shall punish you for your Heretical slander..:mp5:
> 
> *minions of Homy..attack ze infadel :whip:


 Ooops............... down boy down!!!!


----------



## ppko

Do you know the way, cause you are in it.


----------



## Xequat

A man walks into a bar...ouch!


----------



## Sarah

A hard man... is good to find


----------



## ppko

Well it has been real, and it has been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.


----------



## shesulsa

Honey, 3 out of 5 I'd pick you.


----------



## Chronuss

If I die, I'm taking you with me!... oh, -you're- dying? Forget I said anything...


----------



## Xequat

She looked good from far, but when I got closer, she was far from good.


----------



## Gin-Gin

"His mind is like a steel trap."
"Are you kidding? It's more like a steel sieve." 
- from the film _*Crimes & Misdemeanors*_
:lol:


----------



## Chronuss

Gin-Gin said:
			
		

> "His mind is like a steel trap."


yes...rusty and illegal in thirty-seven states...:wink1:


----------



## Raewyn

The more I drink........................... the better he looks!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## ppko

The less you talk the smarter you sound, so shut up and be a genious ( I probably spelled that wrong but hey you know what I mean)


----------



## Rich Parsons

Raisin said:
			
		

> The more I drink........................... the better he looks!!!!!!!!!!



Why yes, the more you drink the better I look. I so resemble that remark


----------



## The Kai

"Either the wallpaper goes or I do"

Supposedly the last words of Oscar Wilde


----------



## ppko

I hope no one takes offense, Christmas one liner

I Wushu a Merry Christmas


----------



## bignick

If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?

  Woman was God's second mistake...

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.




			
				Chronuss said:
			
		

> for us geeks...
> 
> C program run...C program crash...C programmer quit.


  If we're going that route...

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But, in practice, there is.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

  Logic is in the eye of the logician.

  The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m/sec^2.

  A computer will always do what you tell it to...rarely what you want it to.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use?  Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? 
           - Seymour Cray (father of supercomputing)

 "#3 pencils and quadrille pads."  
 - Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the grid lines were not so dominant. 

"Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray."  
 - Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.


----------



## Chronuss

bignick said:
			
		

> The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m/sec^2.


preferrably off a twenty story building.  :wink1:


----------



## Gin-Gin

ppko said:
			
		

> I hope no one takes offense, Christmas one liner...
> I Wushu a Merry Christmas


Not at all--I think it's cute!


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## Sam

haha these are great!

I read all 20 pages of these, some of them were repeated quite a few times, My personal favorites:



Organized people are just too lazy to look for things

*This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me*

Stupidity got us into this mess...why can't it get us out?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Sometimes you open your mouth and stupid just falls right out...

*The difference between light and hard is you can sleep with a light on*

*If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried!!*

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

It always feels better when it stops hurting.

A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups

*You can't have manslaughter without laughter*

When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.

If God dropped acid...would he see people...?

I had to drive officer I was to drunk to walk

The difference between a porcupine and a BMW is the porcupine has the pricks on the outside


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## uglydawg

Man with penis in peanut-butter jar is ********** nuts.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates ...... It's more like a jar of 
Jalapeños. What you do today might burn your *** tomorrow.


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## Chronuss

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


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## Sarah

*Drunken Logic:*

The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Beer - Helping ugly people have sex since 1881

I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen. 

I swear to drunk I'm not God!"


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## Sarah

*Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.*


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## Chronuss

and everyone of those shirts can be found at Hot Topic...:wink1:


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## Sarah

as a wise man once said.....OH BLAH!





			
				Chronuss said:
			
		

> and everyone of those shirts can be found at Hot Topic...:wink1:


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## Chronuss

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.


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## Chronuss

So...if your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister...?


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## KenpoTess

* Mod Note

Please remember this board is Rated PG-  All ages view the material so keep your postings clean. 

We have the Premium Forum for Supporting Members which is less restrictive in material allowed.

Thank you,

~Tess
-MT S. Mod
*


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## Whitebelt

It's not mean or illeagal in any ay if it's funny.

Their is no better thrill than being shot at without result. Winston Churchhill trying to recrout.


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## Sarah

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. 

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.


***NEWSFLASH*** 
Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!


I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!


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## theletch1

KenpoTess said:
			
		

> * Mod Note
> 
> Please remember this board is Rated PG-  All ages view the material so keep your postings clean.
> 
> We have the Premium Forum for Supporting Members which is less restrictive in material allowed.
> 
> Thank you,
> 
> ~Tess
> -MT S. Mod
> *


Oops, sorry.  Sleep deprivation = poor judgement. :asian:


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## Chronuss

may the Lord reach out to you with his guiding hand and smack you upside the head with it...


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## kid

Hike up your skirt and prove you got a pair.


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## Chronuss

I'll give you a dollar if you promise not to reproduce.


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## Cryozombie

Chronuss, you cant give away the dollar I gave YOU not to reproduce.


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## Rich Parsons

Technopunk said:
			
		

> Chronuss, you cant give away the dollar I gave YOU not to reproduce.



:rofl:
hehehe


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## Chronuss

Technopunk said:
			
		

> Chronuss, you cant give away the dollar I gave YOU not to reproduce.


aren't you still single....?


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## Rich Parsons

Chronuss said:
			
		

> aren't you still single....?



He is by his choice. You are by others choice


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## Chronuss

Rich Parsons said:
			
		

> He is by his choice. You are by others choice


hehe.   go right ahead and think that.


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