# Failure to communicate



## Flea (Jul 14, 2011)

I had a very powerful "you see Timmy" moment yesterday at work on the nature of constructive listening.

One of my clients was suddenly thrust into an emergency situation with a very hard deadline.  The consequences of missing this deadline would be dire.  This situation crept up on her unawares, and so quite understandably she's wigging out. As her brand new caseworker, I called her up to check on her and reassure her that she has the agency's support.  (This is the signature kind of service that my agency provides.)

"Can you help me do ___?"

Yes of course!  You and only have an hour a week together, so you may also want to consider doing some __ with another supportive person in between our meetings as well."

"You're not going to help me."

From that moment on the conversation went straight downhill as she kept repeating variations on the above and I kept trying to reassure her that _of course_ I'm going to help her, and we have an appointment tomorrow when we can sit down and make a plan.  At first I was frustrated that she wasn't hearing me, and finally just confused about where the glitch was.  Where did this conversation go so wrong?  Finally after twenty minutes she burst into tears and hung up.  Later that day I got a call from someone else on her support team asking me why I refused to help her.

As a snotling I always rejected one of my grandfather's maxims that "it's not what you say, it's what the other person hears."  For the most part I'm pretty good at keeping that in mind, but I guess I dropped the ball yesterday.  I let my own personality and philosophy get in the way of her needs, and today I have some damage control to do.  And an apology wouldn't hurt either.


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## Sukerkin (Jul 14, 2011)

I fail to see why this is your fault, *Flea*?


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## jks9199 (Jul 14, 2011)

The difference between what was said and what was heard is always an important part of communication, and shouldn't be underestimated.  But it's also not automatically your fault if a person hears something other than what you said because we often have a tendency to only hear what we're prepared to hear.

In your particular case here, your client was already overwhelmed, and looking for more to go wrong.  Probably even an excuse for why she couldn't do it.  The only "blame" I'll place on you is failing to pick up on that aspect of the conversation; YOU weren't hearing what she was saying.  When you told her to look for help from others, your choice of words led her to hear "Flea won't help me!" not "Flea is going to help me, and maybe I should get some others to help, too."  I presume you've got a mentor or at least a supervisor who you can get advice and guidance from.  Role play this with them, from both sides.  Put yourself in your client's place as well as looking again at your actions.  You'll probably find a different way to phrase things that might have gotten through more effectively.  For example, "OK, so tomorrow when I see you, we're going to work on this... but between now and then, can we find someone else to help you, too?"

Let me illustrate a little with an example.  A couple shifts back, I was cut off by a woman at a t-intersection.  I had the right of way, and had stopped briefly to allow oncoming traffic to clear the intersection before I turned onto the intersecting road.  Meanwhile, apparently, a driver behind her got impatient.  So, as I started in motion, she too started, pulling in front of me.  Lots of ways that could have gone wrong, but I was alert.  So -- I stopped her.  She was upset -- and felt she had done nothing wrong; the guy behind her was honking, and she thought I was letting her go.  OK; I can believe it, though I didn't see any horns and hadn't given any indication I was going to let her out.  I check her record; it's not great but I decide to let her off with a warning anyway.  I return to the car, and I'm trying to tell her that she's not getting a ticket, but she is so prepared for me to "unfairly" ticket her that she can't hear me say there's no ticket.  I had to literally tell her to shut up and listen (also a tactic that's sometimes necessary; nobody can listen if they're not paying attention and sometimes, you have have to get their attention by shocking them a bit!)...  She was still upset and still feels I stopped her unfairly but was much calmed when I finally got through to her that it was only a verbal warning.


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## Ken Morgan (Jul 14, 2011)

Sukerkin said:


> I fail to see why this is your fault, *Flea*?



Agreed.


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## Flea (Jul 14, 2011)

Suke, I had to really double and triple-think about my answer to your question.

There are a few factors going on here.  The fault I feel is not so much in that particular conversation.  It was more of an anxiety about doing my job effectively in the larger picture.  She was unceremoniously dumped in my lap after her last caseworker of several years got fired, and we haven't had time to build up a repoire yet.  So having a caseworker who's a virtual stranger made her feel doubly vulnerable with her current situation when she can least afford it. 

My goal in calling her was to reassure her that she can do what she needs to do, and that I have her back.  If she's so overwhelmed that she freezes, she's going to be in deep doodoo. I felt yesterday that I hindered rather than helped her, and I feel that it reflected on me as a professional.  If only for the moment.

I had a long chat with my boss, and she assured me that the sky wouldn't fall.  And she was right; I met with my client and we worked out a plan to address the situation.  I did apologize whether it was my "fault" or not.  Building a repoire is a critical part of the job, and I could see that she appreciated it.

One of the things we discussed at length in my training is how bogglingly complex communication is.  The model they gave us was something like this:

1.  The initial message.  Which goes through ..

2.  Filters before it even comes out.  The communicator's state of mind, choice of words, expectations of how their message will be received, any number of things before it even gets to ...

3. The medium.  Speech, music, massage, grandma's famous "get well soon" chicken soup, or even (egads! :xtrmshock) online forums.  This naturally, goes through another 

4. Filter on the receivers' end. That can mean just about anything including the receivers' state of mind, attention span, expectations based on past communications, language barriers, you name it before the message finally makes it home to the 

5. Receiver.

When you think about it, it's amazing anything gets communicated successfully at all.

I thought it was a worthwhile contribution to MT because communication is so critical to conflict as well.  At all stages - situational awareness, prevention, monkey dances, telegraphing, defense of self and loved ones, and telling the story afterwards in both social and legal terms.  It's good to be reminded from time to time just how tricky effective communication can be, especially when adrenaline comes into play.


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## aedrasteia (Jul 15, 2011)

Flea

agree with all - esp your last paragraph.

this (below) may help illustrate both the seriousness of the  problem, its pervasiveness and some applicable methods that provide  concrete help. I use them constantly. I am regularly and deeply troubled  by how handicapped SD/MA practitioners are in these skills - do you know of  S.Haden-Elgin?  Anybody aware of her work on 'verbal self-defense" ??

*Language in Emergency Medicine: the "Aunt Grace" Syndrome*

*www.adrr.com/aa/new.htm*

the source is the incomparable and wonderful Suzette Haden Elgin, who taught me to apply 3 guides:

*Miller's Law* (from psychologist George Miller) goes like this: 
"In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that   it is true, and try to imagine what it could be true of." (In an interview with Elizabeth Hall; Hall 1980) 

*Elgin's Corollary To Miller's Law*
In order for other people to understand what you are saying, you must make   it possible for them to apply Miller's Law to your speech. 

Everywhere I go, I see people applying not Miller's Law but a principle that we can most accurately refer to as *"Miller's Law In Reverse."* 
They hear someone say something that they find unacceptable or outrageous; they immediately assume that what was said is false; and then they try to figure out what's wrong with the person who said it.

i admire and appreciate how consistently you work to communicate well, Flea. Please let me know your thoughts on this.
thanks, A




​


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## Flea (Jul 15, 2011)

Wow, what a wonderful link.  I think I'll read the whole book as I have time.

The only other thing I'll add before doddering off to bed is that active listening necessarily involves humility.  I love the example on your link about how a skilled listener would respond to "my toaster talks to me."  I get variations on that all the time, and it's critical in understanding a client and being able to help them where they are.  What they perceive coming from their "toaster" contains valuable information on who they are, the issues they contend with, and how they handle them.  

If I were to get arrogant and tell them they were full of it, I would miss all those valuable opportunities.  That, and I would alienate them when they need me the most.  It takes real courage to abandon one's own agenda and preconceptions in order to hear another person's thoughts, perceptions, and needs.  I would go further and call it a spiritual discipline, and one that is sorely underutilized.


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## MA-Caver (Jul 15, 2011)

Flea, she might have already decided that you/agency wasn't going to help her... so it might've made NO difference what you may say... some folks decide that's that and that's it. If your agency can help then by all means do so... if she has to come in and fill out papers and all that... that's going to be a tough sell but if the agency goes to HER (sending a rep) with the paperwork then maybe ... just maybe she'll realize that you weren't selling a bunch of hooey. 
Also as you say... she's in a severe crisis so her mind isn't rightly rationalizing every thing that's coming in. 
Some folks are hard to communicate with but finding the right line to open dialogue isn't easy but doable. There are some folks that I won't talk to anymore because of communication difficulties.


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## Flea (Jul 15, 2011)

Sukerkin said:


> I fail to see why this is your fault, *Flea*?



Suke, one more response to this question ... this is the only culpability that I feel in the situation, and it's a finer point in the big picture of helping her do what she needs to do.  In that phone call, she just needed to spill her guts and feel heard.  I tend to have a more pragmatic bias, so I responded based on that by presenting an action plan.  In a detail-oriented job like this it's a big asset, but I dropped the ball in that conversation by not seeing through my own agenda set by my personality.

Learning curve and all that.  :uhyeah:  Not beating myself up, don't worry.


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## David43515 (Jul 15, 2011)

aedrasteia said:


> Flea
> 
> agree with all - esp your last paragraph.
> 
> ...



That is a great quote and refference. I`m making it so I can come back again later and read it all.


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## jks9199 (Jul 15, 2011)

Flea said:


> When you think about it, it's amazing anything gets communicated successfully at all.
> 
> I thought it was a worthwhile contribution to MT because communication is so critical to conflict as well.  At all stages - situational awareness, prevention, monkey dances, telegraphing, defense of self and loved ones, and telling the story afterwards in both social and legal terms.  It's good to be reminded from time to time just how tricky effective communication can be, especially when adrenaline comes into play.



It was a great contribution.  Communication is an art; I was, shall we say, socially underdeveloped, so I had to actively seek out information learning to communicate more effectively.  I've got lots of books and research into different approaches and methods in my personal library.  It's also important to me professionally, in many ways, so it's something I research often.  Communication is an ongoing process between two or more people, and the roles and channels can change often.

One quote I've got is very useful:  *You may think you know what I meant, but what you heard is not what I said.*


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