# Marriage Communication:  What does "If you must" mean to you?



## Steve (Aug 9, 2013)

Very curious.  I am guessing that it means something different to men and women, but I'd like to know for sure.

Let's say I have been looking at a new grill.  It's normally around $1200, but I find one that's really well built... not the brand name, but functionally the same as the $1200 and they're only asking $600.  Then it goes down to $400.  I can no longer in good conscious pass it up.  

Me:  "Honey.  It's a lot of money, but I'd really like this grill.  Any problem taking the money out of savings?"
Her:  "If you must."

Believe it or not, this didn't actually happen to me, but it could have.  It happened to a good friend and we laughed because we interpreted "if you must" exactly the same way, which it turns out is NOT how his wife meant it. 

So, what say you?  What would you have done in this situation?


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## Dirty Dog (Aug 9, 2013)




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## Blindside (Aug 9, 2013)

Buy the grill knowing that she won't be happy about it, if she meant "no" she should have said "no."


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## Steve (Aug 9, 2013)

Thanks guys.  I'd love to hear more from both the guys and the girls.

FWIW, my interpretation would be, "Fine.  I think it's dumb, but go ahead."    Her actual, in real life interpretation was, "No, but I'm giving you the chance to figure that out yourself."


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## harlan (Aug 9, 2013)

Exactly.

The point to notice, the clue, is that she DIDN'T say 'yes'....


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## crushing (Aug 9, 2013)

To properly respond one must know what 'if you must' really means in this context.  As you likely found is that "If you must" = "Hell no!  I've got other plans for that money that are so ridiculous I don't want to open a discussion as to what they are because we would end up choosing your idea.  So hopefully my terse response will get you to second guess the real meaning behind it and you will decide that it may not be a good idea to make the purchase so I can go ahead and make the purchase I want anyway."

The key to the response is to effectively not let on that you know the real meaning and to respond to her reply quickly and innocently as possible to thank her for her agreement with the purchase and she won't be sorry with the delicious foodstuffs that are to be prepared on said grill.   Might as well be grilling while one of you is stewing.


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## Ken Morgan (Aug 9, 2013)

What it means to me is these people need to stop playing games and really learn to communicate, or else when something truly serious comes along there will be major anger and resentment issues. No means no, yes means yes, any code that may "mean" yes or no, is bull ****.


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## Steve (Aug 9, 2013)

harlan said:


> Exactly.
> 
> The point to notice, the clue, is that she DIDN'T say 'yes'....


  What's funny is that before talking to my buddy, i would swear that she had, in fact, said "yes."  You're right that she didn't say "yes."  But she also didn't say "no."


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## Steve (Aug 9, 2013)

Ken Morgan said:


> What it means to me is these people need to stop playing games and really learn to communicate, or else when something truly serious comes along there will be major anger and resentment issues. No means no, yes means yes, any code that may "mean" yes or no, is bull ****.


Great point, Ken.  Tests and traps can be a great way to destroy a marriage.  I'm not sure that this was meant to be either of those in the actual situation, but the lack of clarity can damage the marriage either way.


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## arnisador (Aug 9, 2013)

Steve said:


> Very curious.  I am guessing that it means something different to men and women, but I'd like to know for sure.
> 
> Let's say I have been looking at a new grill.  It's normally around $1200, but I find one that's really well built... not the brand name, but functionally the same as the $1200 and they're only asking $600.  Then it goes down to $400.  I can no longer in good conscious pass it up.
> 
> ...



In that situation? I'd buy two of those grills in case the first one broke.


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## Scott T (Aug 9, 2013)

She just gave me plausible deniability. I'd be buying that sucker!


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## Steve (Aug 9, 2013)

arnisador said:


> In that situation? I'd buy two of those grills in case the first one broke.


Hahaha...  wait... you're divorced.  Right? 

Quick aside, while the story itself didn't actually happen to me, the grill part did.  I've been eyeing the ceramic "kamado" style grills for a long time and when Costco's grill went on sale for $400, I actually took a couple hours off work to go down and buy one.   You can easily spend $1000 - $1200 on one, and at $400, this is an absolute steal.  I've heard that in some parts of the country (I presume where the weather isn't all that conducive to bbq), they are going for $300, but not around here.


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## Brian R. VanCise (Aug 9, 2013)

I wouldn't have bought that grill if that was her response.  I have been happily married for over twenty years and I guess I understand certain things.


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## Steve (Aug 9, 2013)

Brian R. VanCise said:


> I wouldn't have bought that grill if that was her response.  I have been happily married for over twenty years and I guess I understand certain things.


LOL.  Thanks for the response, Brian.  I've been at it for 20 years myself, and I definitely would have bought the grill.  I'll add, though, that communication is a two way street.   I think my wife and I communicate very well, and if she said "If you must" to me, I'm confident we'd both be on the same page (whatever page that might be)


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## granfire (Aug 9, 2013)

Steve said:


> Thanks guys.  I'd love to hear more from both the guys and the girls.
> 
> FWIW, my interpretation would be, "Fine.  I think it's dumb, but go ahead."    Her actual, in real life interpretation was, "No, but I'm giving you the chance to figure that out yourself."



Oh, the 'I am not telling you how I feel, but you better guess right' shpiel....

Can't stand people who do that...
Then again, I rolled the eyes last time DH wanted to go to the pawn shop (buying, not selling).
I conveyed how I felt...and he got mad. Go figure.

But getting an expensive item - you hopefully use a lot - for 1/3 of the original price....
It is easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission!


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## jks9199 (Aug 9, 2013)

It's a GRILL!!  Why was there a question?  Cooking with fire!  Win.

Seriously...  You have to understand when there's a "I don't really agree" and when it's "I don't care."   And if one half of the conversation isn't making their opinion clear -- then it's on them as much as the recipient.


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## jks9199 (Aug 9, 2013)

harlan said:


> Exactly.
> 
> The point to notice, the clue, is that she DIDN'T say 'yes'....



Nor did she say "No."

Communication has two sides.  If you don't send the message you intend to send, you can't blame the recipient for hearing the message they wanted to hear.  Don't play games, say what you mean.


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## ballen0351 (Aug 9, 2013)

My wife learned along time ago if she tries that code crap I'm going to do what in fact I may do what I don't want just to piss her off.  She better give me a real answer.  Come tothink of it iI'm not sure why she stays


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## Tgace (Aug 9, 2013)

A $1200 grill for $400???

WHO CARES WHAT IT MEANS? BUY IT!!!!!!




When my wife gives me attitude after similar situations I point out that I gave her the chance to air her objections...and that I gave her the courtesy of consulting instead of just buying. I haven't had the same consideration in the past. But I get over it.


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## granfire (Aug 9, 2013)

ballen0351 said:


> My wife learned along time ago if she tries that code crap I'm going to do what in fact I may do what I don't want just to piss her off.  She better give me a real answer.  Come tothink of it iI'm not sure why she stays



LOL!
She must have a good reason... :angel:


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## ballen0351 (Aug 9, 2013)

granfire said:


> LOL!
> She must have a good reason... :angel:



I think its my pulled pork recipe or my crab cakes.


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## Carol (Aug 9, 2013)

Ken Morgan said:


> What it means to me is these people need to stop playing games and really learn to communicate, or else when something truly serious comes along there will be major anger and resentment issues. No means no, yes means yes, any code that may "mean" yes or no, is bull ****.



Full agreement!

However, some respect must be given to how the question is asked as well.  Personally, I'm a person who generally communicates clearly (and often bluntly).  However, when my CTO asks me a question, my answer often sounds like a stammering, bumbling idiot.  It's not because i find a C level exec intimidating...he's a great guy.  

The problem is that he will start a particular train of thought and continue that in real time discussion.  He will bring up complicated questions....ones that require a bit of thought and analytics to answer.  I don't always do well with coming up with a complex answer at lightning speed.   Had he asked me the same question over e-mail, he would have received a much more succinct answer because the time it would have taken me to type my reply would have given me the needed extra moment to think through my answer and word it properly.

Respect for another person includes giving a conversation the respect it deserves, regardless of gender or what the relationships are.


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## granfire (Aug 10, 2013)

ballen0351 said:


> I think its my pulled pork recipe or my crab cakes.



Yes, that must be it! :uhyeah:


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## Sukerkin (Aug 11, 2013)

ballen0351 said:


> Come to think of it i I'm not sure why she stays



Love is a strange and powerful force, my friend.  When a woman takes us into her heart then it's best not to question the 'why's', for that way lies insanity.  

I too could never understand what my Michelle saw in me, for she was the most purely good and lovely person I have ever met.  She saw the world painted in shades of 'light' and never had a bad word to say about anyone,  whereas I am a grumpy cynic who sees it painted in (at best) shades of grey and am very bad at keeping my opinions to myself ... even when I really should at times .


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## ballen0351 (Aug 11, 2013)

Sukerkin said:


> Love is a strange and powerful force, my friend.  When a woman takes us into her heart then it's best not to question the 'why's', for that way lies insanity.
> 
> I too could never understand what my Michelle saw in me, for she was the most purely good and lovely person I have ever met.  She saw the world painted in shades of 'light' and never had a bad word to say about anyone,  whereas I am a grumpy cynic who sees it painted in (at best) shades of grey and am very bad at keeping my opinions to myself ... even when I really should at times .



I think you just kept her full of wine.


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## Sukerkin (Aug 11, 2013)

LOL  El Bombero FTW in that case (and by the case too {Yeah!  Vino based pun attack } ) .


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## DennisBreene (Aug 11, 2013)

granfire said:


> Oh, the 'I am not telling you how I feel, but you better guess right' shpiel....
> 
> Can't stand people who do that...
> Then again, I rolled the eyes last time DH wanted to go to the pawn shop (buying, not selling).
> ...



My wife grudgingly accepted the grill and then proceeded to fire it up for me one day... and melted the vinyl siding.  I'm still not sure if it was an accident Asking for forgiveness can go both ways.


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## elder999 (Aug 11, 2013)

Whatever it means, you know *damn well* what it means when you hear it,or you shouldn't have married her, and-as a husband-you disregard it at your peril.


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## granfire (Aug 11, 2013)

On the other hand....
I started cooking dinner, thought I'd stuff my measly tiny leftover zucchinies before they rot....

Husband "Oh, I was going to get KFC"
Me: "That's fine, I can put the stuffing in the fridge and fix them tomorrow"
He: "Are you Sure?"
Me: "Yes, positive"

he walks out of the house, gets in the car, comes back in....

"I am not getting it, I don't want to make you mad"

:lfao:

Ok, there I go again: "Yes, if you want it, I am fine with it"
He finally leaves. 
I am actually fine with it. It's still cheat day on the diet...the vegetables can wait til tomorrow.

But seriously, how much cleared can I make it: yes, I am ok with you getting the chicken!


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