# To follow my gut or not



## Xue Sheng (Jun 11, 2009)

I have a rather large purchase (a new house) Iam going to make and it is not an affordability issue that is handled. 

I need to get to a better school system for the kids and it is considerably closer to where we (wife and myself) work. It is in a great area with and great school system, great shape, well taken care of and a great price but something just does not feel right. I am getting this feeling of things there will be really tense and I am not a big fan of tense. I tend towards relaxed, see Taijiquan for 18 years.

I suppose it could be the fact that it is a mortgage and I really dont want to get back into that but it also could be I am getting a feeling I should be listening too. I have found over the years that listening to my gut I am right about 90% of the time. But then this could be that 10% I am wrong. 

We looked at another house before (that was in worse condition) that was pretty much in the same area and I didnt get this feeling and I could tell by looking at it and needed work BUT. The disclosure statement made us decide not to go forward. I am just not into termites. 

At this point we have a hand shake agreement and I am not sure what to do. To be honest I dont even know what I expect from posting this. 

My brain say shut up, logic says dont worry about it and my gut says look elsewhere.

Anyone have any thoughts.


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## clfsean (Jun 11, 2009)

Go with the gut.

Walk away from it & see if something else doesn't present itself better.


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## terryl965 (Jun 11, 2009)

I believe in the gut feeling, so if you have that you need to listen. In the end it will be you and your wife that need to make the right decission, noone here can do that for you. I am glad you are able to talk about and respect the board enough to post this. Listen to one's heart is the key to everlasting success.


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## Ken Morgan (Jun 11, 2009)

Sounds like you've picked the area you want to live in, now just wait till the right house comes along. There are bound to be other homes for sale, or will be coming on the market. If your gut says no, then it's no. Unless you're in a rush, wait till you find a place, in the area you like, where you don't have that feeling.


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## girlbug2 (Jun 11, 2009)

Think about what your gut could be telling you...some danger that your conscious mind hasn't picked up on yet, perhaps? It might be the house itself or your immediate neighbors...if your gut served you well in the past, I'd listen to it now.


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## Brian R. VanCise (Jun 11, 2009)

*Lot's of homes for sale right now.*

I can relate a home buying experience from a long time ago.
The wife and I found a beautiful little home in a good neighborhood
and while we knew we would only be their four years it was perfect.

*It felt perfect too!*

So we bought it and when we sold it we made a good deal of money.

Right before this house though we walked through probably fifty or more homes.  Most did not feel right or were not what we were looking for.  One felt really weird, maybe even creepy even though the house was *exceptional*. (fit all our criteria)  So I dug up some history on it.  Bingo someone had been murdered there.  Needless to say we did not buy it!  

So I always go with my gut feeling (intuition)  and it has always paid off! 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			






Just my 02.


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## Flea (Jun 11, 2009)

Always always always take that feeling seriously.  We have intuition for a reason.

Ten years ago I found a perfect apartment - it had a big yard, hipster neighborhood, everything.  The day I decided to rent it a hinky feeling set in.  I ignored it, and sat down to fill out the application.  The feeling got worse with every line to the point that with the signature I felt like I was signing a death warrant.  I got in the car to drop it off at the office, and as I got closer, block by block, my heart started pounding.

Ultimately as I got to the final turn, I went the other way and I felt a huge load disappear.  Who knows why?  But I'd never felt that level of an intuitive mandate before or since.  If the place doesn't feel right, don't make that level of commitment to it.  It just isn't worth it.  You'll find something else.

Happy shopping.


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## Stac3y (Jun 11, 2009)

I bought my house because, when I stood in the back yard, a great feeling of contentment and belonging set in (and it fit all the criteria we had set, of course.) I haven't regretted it. I don't think I would buy a home that made me feel tense or uncomfortable, no matter how good it looks on paper. I do have to say, though, that my husband became extremely anxious during the actual process of purchasing the house, and I had to talk him down many times. Some people get really freaked by any kind of major purchase. Could that be what's getting to you?


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## Rich Parsons (Jun 11, 2009)

Xue Sheng said:


> I have a rather large purchase (a new house) Iam going to make and it is not an affordability issue that is handled.
> 
> I need to get to a better school system for the kids and it is considerably closer to where we (wife and myself) work. It is in a great area with and great school system, great shape, well taken care of and a great price but something just does not feel right. I am getting this feeling of things there will be really tense and I am not a big fan of tense. I tend towards relaxed, see Taijiquan for 18 years.
> 
> ...


 
Xue,

I have walked away from deals when I felt like I was being pressed into something I did not want. 

I have walked when the haggling got to intense

and when it seemed we could not agree.


In most cases months later the seller came back to my agent asking if I would consider my last bid.

I did not. 

I had moved on and would always associate the negative feelings with where I live and said no, I cannot do that. 

The realitor would tell me, as she said as it was her business and proper ettiquette to give me the right of refusal and also to see me smile to know that I was right on my feelings for price or something they should fix. 


Lots of others have told you similar stuff here to trust your gut and to trust your feelings. 

Cars and house while some of the most expensive things we buy and should be looked at logically are the most emotional buys we make in our lives. If it causes issues for you then it will cause an issue and you might be moving in a couple of years. 

Do not rush the buying of a house. You may live to regret it. 


That being said, ever house will have something that needs to be fixed some time after you move in. So there is risk and you want to limit that risk obviously with inspections from yourself and professionals. There are home buyers insurance that is available to cover the first 12 months of ownership for the large and or major items in the house. So, if there are lots of remodels and updates check the local governement for permits to see if they were pulled and the changes properly inspected. Check to see if there are any new Tax issues such as sewer and or roads that are being proposed. 


And most of all, Good Luck and enjoy what ever house you do buy.


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## morph4me (Jun 11, 2009)

Xue,  I agree with everyone else, go with your gut, it's trying to tell you something, and you should trust it. I've never regretted going with my gut, but I have very much regretted the decision to ignore it.


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## JadecloudAlchemist (Jun 11, 2009)

> I suppose it could be the fact that it is a mortgage and I really dont want to get back into that but it also could be I am getting a feeling I should be listening too. I have found over the years that listening to my gut I am right about 90% of the time. But then this could be that 10% I am wrong.


 
I strongly recommend meditation on the subject to connect with your inner self to see where you are coming from. Explore your tension. Your gut/heart has something it is trying to tell you it could be something that has nothing to do with the house but in some way is connected by the path choosen in connection with the house. 



> At this point we have a hand shake agreement and I am not sure what to do. To be honest I dont even know what I expect from posting this.


 If it does not feel right it does not feel right. There may be something hidden. The more you trust your gut the more the bond between you and the instinct becomes more intune with each other and the more it becomes correct. I wish you the best of fortune in what ever choice you make.


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## Flying Crane (Jun 11, 2009)

Xue Sheng said:


> I am getting this feeling of things there will be really tense and I am not a big fan of tense. I tend towards relaxed, see Taijiquan for 18 years.


 
What do you think will be the source of tension?

As I've posted, I recently bought a house as a first time homeowner.  Being in the San Francisco area it was not cheap, is not large, and did/does need a lot of work including a new foundation.  But that's simply the reality of where I live.  There's no other options, while still being in a price range that I can afford (never mind "reasonable").

It took me a long time to wrap my head around this reality, and become comfortable with it.  I agonized over this for a long time.  At first, I wanted to pass up the house, but my wife insisted we place a bid, and we ended up owning it.

The foundation is now replaced, as well as a new basement/garage slab and a patio slab out back.  We've got a lot of plumbing and electrical and heating issues to work out, as well as other remodelling needs down the road.  

Ya know what?  Now, I'm OK with it.  It's exciting, turning the house into what we want it to be.  

We wanted a dojo to train in, and a workshop to do my metal working in, and I want a place to set up a target where I can shoot some arrows.  It ain't gonna be perfect, but I think we are gonna be able to do all these things, and we've got a back yard where we might start a vegetable garden or something (I know that doesn't sound so impressive, but around here, yards are really small).

So I went from feeling really uneasy about it, to making it into a good situation.

I can't give you much concrete advice on it, but just wanted to offer another perspective.  Do what's right for you.


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 11, 2009)

Thanks clfsean, terry, ken morgan, girlbug2, Brian, Flea, Stac3y, Rich, morph, Jadecloud, and Crane.

Here is the thing; I don't know what is giving me this feeling other than my gut. 

As Michael asked

"What do you think will be the source of tension?"

I have no idea; it is none of the things he listed. I should be thrilled, financing is not an issue, the price of the house is much lower than market, it comes with damn near everything (appliances) it is quite large, it has new heaters, new AC units (central) , new bathrooms and a new kitchen, the roof is not that old either, the foundation and basement are in perfect conditions as is the rest of the house, it is in a perfect school system and much MUCH closer to where both my wife's and my office. The neighborhood is absolutely wonderful, clean, safe and quiet. The current owner (owner&#8217;s son) has been incredibly easy to deal with. The absolute only things I can see as detractors are the yard is a bit to small but really not that small and the roof over the back patio is to small and needs to be different but it is not a necessary thing to change. Heck I could walk to just about every single store I would need anything from; it is all just that convenient

I do know the owner passed away recently but he was no longer living there full time he was not even in the state when it happened but he was the original owner and took very good care of that house. Raised a family there and his kids are all rather successful today. But he was trying to sell it before he passed away. 

And I have been on the phone most of the day talking to all the various people one needs to talk to when one buys house. I even fired a whole group today that was trying to give me money for the purchase but it was high pressure and I&#8217;m sorry but no one can give the rate they were claiming. 

I am going to look at the house again this weekend and possibly another one I located today that is in the same school system but a few miles further away, a little smaller and a bit more expensive to see what, if any feeling that place gives me.

Logically I should be absolutely thrilled that I was this lucky to get this house but my gut keeps telling be this is not a good thing.


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## terryl965 (Jun 11, 2009)

Xue in my experience if it feels bad step aside something else will come by again.


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## Flying Crane (Jun 11, 2009)

are you superstitious?

are you feeling a bit of a weird "energy" about the place?


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 11, 2009)

Flying Crane said:


> are you superstitious?
> 
> are you feeling a bit of a weird "energy" about the place?


 
Nah!!!! I'm not superstitious...not as long as I have my lucky rabbit&#8217;s foot, lucky penny, only take right turns, carry a 4 leaf clover, recite Lao Tzu everyday at 6:48:32 and carry wolfs bane in my right pocket on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays 

No I am not superstitious at all and I don't feel anything in the house or on the property. This started about 2 days after seeing it.


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## Flying Crane (Jun 11, 2009)

Xue Sheng said:


> Nah!!!! I'm not superstitious...not as long as I have my lucky rabbits foot, lucky penny, only take right turns, carry a 4 leaf clover, recite Lao Tzu everyday at 6:48:32 and carry wolfs bane in my right pocket on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays
> 
> No I am not superstitious at all and I don't feel anything in the house or on the property. This started about 2 days after seeing it.


 

well, keep us posted on what happens.  I guess you gotta figure it out.  Best of luck


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## Flea (Jun 11, 2009)

> the price of the house is much lower than market,



That sounds like a potential red flag to me.  Have you had it inspected yet?  Checked for liens?  Seen crime stats for the neighborhood?  Maybe a chemical plant or slaughterhouse upwind? There are all kinds of hidden variables ...

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 11, 2009)

Flea said:


> That sounds like a potential red flag to me. Have you had it inspected yet? Checked for liens? Seen crime stats for the neighborhood? Maybe a chemical plant or slaughterhouse upwind? There are all kinds of hidden variables ...
> 
> Good luck, whatever you decide to do.


 
 
*Have you had it inspected yet?* Not yet but soon, both the bank and one we are going to get done ourselves.

*Checked for liens?* There are none. 

*Seen crime stats for the neighborhood?* I have family in the neighborhood and it is rather safe, they have lived there for 20 years. It is one of the more desirable neighborhoods in a rather desirable town in an incredibly desirable school system.

*Maybe a chemical plant or slaughterhouse upwind?* Nope not a one

The current owner inherited it and lives way out of state has a house or 2 of his own and is rather successful and pretty much wants to sell it. 

Everything is actually amazingly perfect except for this damn gut feeling.


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## Live True (Jun 11, 2009)

Then, based on all your answers thus far...the real question is do you TRUST your gut or not?

You've researched all the obvious things, so far, or plan to.  Must gut instincts, particularly if they bother you after that intial twinge...are based on the unobvious.

So, do you trust your gut, or not?  

and no, that really doesn't help does it?  sawwwwry!


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## girlbug2 (Jun 11, 2009)

In line with Flea's post above, I just thought of something else to add...

EMFs. If there is anything leaking high EMFs in or right near the house, that could definitely give you a weird feeling. Maybe there's an electrical problem. Or is there a pylon in the back yard?


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## Jenna (Jun 11, 2009)

XS, is your gut concern simply the basic apprehension we all have over the mortgages since you alluded to the fact you are currently mortgageless?  With property prices at rock bottom, it would seem comparatively risk-easy to purchase now, no? 

I would not necessarily agree with "go with your gut" and but as a longtime martial artist, you will know gut is purposeful, yet AS AN INDICATOR.  To me, gut reaction is a situational flag and but it cannot be taken solely as a decider - other factors must be evaluated in tandem.  You have checklists of your needs and wants and good-to-haves so you should be able to factor it all out and figure where your gut notion is coming from.  Yes your gut has fluttered but now use cold forensic logic to determine whether it is valid (or whether to quell it with pepto bismol )

Do not trust your gut exclusively; trust yourself completely 

All my wishes.  You _will _make the right choice.  Repetez! 
Yr most obdt hmble srvt,
Jenna


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## Flea (Jun 11, 2009)

A couple other thoughts ...

Take a look at the neighborhood association, if there is one.  Some HOAs can be very restrictive.

In that vein - what do you know about your immediate neighbors?  Check the sex offender registry.  Again with the crime stats.  Or you could just have someone who's unstable, or a domestic violence situation.  Sure, as a MA'ist you can take care of your own, but should you necessarily _have_ to?

*****

Feeling too comfortable in your own skin? Life too predictable?  Call *Flea*, for all your paranoia needs. That's *Flea*.  We handle delusions, bumps in the night, and hairy spiders.  No conspiracy too cockamamie to dismiss, no misgiving too small to exploit.  For all your paranioa needs, call *Flea*.  No phone number, just tap into your modem and whistle the X-Files theme.  Don't worry, they'll .. hem! .. _we'll_ hear you.

*****

:lfao:


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 12, 2009)

Flea said:


> A couple other thoughts ...
> 
> Take a look at the neighborhood association, if there is one. Some HOAs can be very restrictive.
> 
> In that vein - what do you know about your immediate neighbors? Check the sex offender registry. Again with the crime stats. Or you could just have someone who's unstable, or a domestic violence situation. Sure, as a MA'ist you can take care of your own, but should you necessarily _have_ to?


 

the neighborhood association is...well...virtually defunct.

Neighbors are pretty much Doctors. lawyers, teachers and engineers. 

Crime is next to nill and sex offenders are far away and no reports of domestic violence. I have family that has lived in this area for abuot 20 years.



Flea said:


> Feeling too comfortable in your own skin? Life too predictable? Call *Flea*, for all your paranoia needs. That's *Flea*. We handle delusions, bumps in the night, and hairy spiders. No conspiracy too cockamamie to dismiss, no misgiving too small to exploit. For all your paranioa needs, call *Flea*. No phone number, just tap into your modem and whistle the X-Files theme. Don't worry, they'll .. hem! .. _we'll_ hear you.


 
:lol:

I shall keep this in mind and use it when needed


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 12, 2009)

My wife thinks I'm nuts, my family thinks I'm nuts and I am not sure I am not nuts.

I am going back to look at the house on Saturday. I am beginning to think I may know the thing(s) is(are) that are bothering me and if it is what I think (on at least one of them) I might just be nuts....that or a whole lot more right brained than I care to admit.... and in the last 2 years I have had a whole lot of people, a few books and unofficial web tests tell me I am very right brained even though I have told myself I am left brained for many many years..... whatever that is suppose to mean.


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## Flying Crane (Jun 12, 2009)

One thing we did was keep going back to the house and wander around inside and in the yard, getting a vision of the potential it had.  

The house was empty since it was a forecloser.  We got the combo of the lockbox so we could go in and out at our leisure, esp. once we were in negotiations about the price.  

But we spent a lot of time there just letting the house soak into our pores to get a vision of the possibility, consider what it had to offer, and develop a feeling of how much we liked it or not.

with repeated exposure you might start to feel differently about it.  Or you might reinforce your initial feelings and know for sure that you don't want it.  But it's a good exercise.


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## terryl965 (Jun 12, 2009)

Xue in the end it is up to you and the family, feeling hold alot for me so I say stick to your feeling but if you are confused about your feelings than that can hold alot into it. The other thing is no matter how great a deal it is you have a mortgage when you had none before, that could beit as well. Go back take your time and if God and the universe wants you to have it it will be yours.


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## morph4me (Jun 12, 2009)

Xue, I get the feeling that you know exactly what you're going to do and are looking for someone to tell you something to validate or repudiate your decision. Whatever you decide will be right for you.


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 12, 2009)

morph4me said:


> Xue, I get the feeling that you know exactly what you're going to do and are looking for someone to tell you something to validate or repudiate your decision. Whatever you decide will be right for you.


 
I am looking for an answer which is why I am going back to take a look. But I am also looking for someone to in my immiediate family to at least and be willing to talk about it beyond telling me I'm crazy or ignoring it all together. If it were me and only me I know exactly what to do and that is walk away. Like I said at the beginning my gut feelings have proven to be mostly right... but there have been times they have been wrong.

However a couple of things have popped up in the last 30 minutes actually form reaserch that my wife has been doing, not major but worth looking into further.


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## JadecloudAlchemist (Jun 12, 2009)

Could your gut feeling just be gas?

I'm just pulling your leg but I am sure not pulling your finger.

All the best :lfao:


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 12, 2009)

JadecloudAlchemist said:


> Could your gut feeling just be gas?
> 
> I'm just pulling your leg but I am sure not pulling your finger.
> 
> All the best :lfao:


 
Sure ruin my fun


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## Flea (Jun 12, 2009)

Another thought, probably not worth the pixels it's printed on ...

Whatever your family decides with this, make sure you all agree on it.  Don't commit to a direction on this house without that - it's not something that one member should make a concession on in the name of going with the flow.  Especially not if a nagging intuition is a big dynamic.  The gods gave us intuition for a reason after all.


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 15, 2009)

OK went to the house again and absolutely everybody loves it and logically so should I, the price is great the location is great the school system is great the condition of the house is great and when I am there it is ok but within 12 hours I was right back to I don't want it.

It is I am beginning to think, to perfect. It is a neighborhood populated by doctors, lawyers and engineers. The previous owner was a doctor his kids are (and I am not kidding) doctors and lawyers (not one is a doctor and the other a lawyer they are both doctor and lawyer) 

I just can't picture me fitting in there at all. I don't see a whole lot of MA people there and I certainly do not see anyone tolerating a guy that beats trees, they might fear me, call the cops on me but they sure as heck will not ask me what I am doing. I hate to say this but the whole thing is to conformist and you can only take this MAist and ex-biker so far into mainstream society before he either losses it or shuts down completely. 

This blond guy with heavy duty Germanic ancestry would be more comfortable in the heart of Beijing than here.

And yes I know this whole thing sounds insane. 

And it has gotten to a point, my wife is pushing and pushing for this, where I may just have to buy it just the same.


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## terryl965 (Jun 15, 2009)

best of luck to you


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## bluekey88 (Jun 15, 2009)

Xue Sheng said:


> OK went to the house again and absolutely everybody loves it and logically so should I, the price is great the location is great the school system is great the condition of the house is great and when I am there it is ok but within 12 hours I was right back to I don't want it.
> 
> It is I am beginning to think, to perfect. It is a neighborhood populated by doctors, lawyers and engineers. The previous owner was a doctor his kids are (and I am not kidding) doctors and lawyers (not one is a doctor and the other a lawyer they are both doctor and lawyer)
> 
> ...


 
Wow...that is not only incredibly insightful, but a real doozy of a problem.  I know exactly how you feel and where you're coming from.  It sucks sometimes to be the "odd" family in the conformist neighborhood.  

No real words of wisdom I'm afraid other than a sense of general empathy.  I hope you are able to come to a decision taht you and your family can live with.  I dare say, if the conformity issue really is a deal breaker...there are other good houses out there in good school systems where you might feel more comfortable.  On the other hand, maybe the doctors and lawyers will leave you be to your tree hitting ways and life3 will quietly go on....maybe they'll even grow to like you   Who knows.  In the end, you can still be you no matter where you are.

Peace,
Erik


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## elder999 (Jun 15, 2009)

Xue Sheng said:


> OK went to the house again and absolutely everybody loves it and logically so should I, the price is great the location is great the school system is great the condition of the house is great and when I am there it is ok but within 12 hours I was right back to I don't want it.
> 
> It is I am beginning to think, to perfect. It is a neighborhood populated by doctors, lawyers and engineers. The previous owner was a doctor his kids are (and I am not kidding) doctors and lawyers (not one is a doctor and the other a lawyer they are both doctor and lawyer)
> 
> ...




I feel your pain. I built a house deep in the forest for the very same reasons. I went through "neighbor hell" back in New York-all it took was an hour of throwing knives and tomahawks in my backyard....:lol:

Sometimes, a good tall stockade fence can be a non-conformist's best friend.....might go ahead and _*plant* a few trees_, too. :lol:






Xue Sheng said:


> And it has gotten to a point, my wife is pushing and pushing for this, where I may just have to buy it just the same.


 
_"Listen to *the woman." *_


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## Brian King (Jun 15, 2009)

Buddy, it is past time for you and wife to have a conversation. Turn off the T.V. and sit her down, close to you, knees touching and holding hands. Look into her I eyes and tell her you are having serious reservations about this house deal. Do not worry about coming up with logical reasons or reasons that she will understand. Confirm that you are on board with finding a new home to reassure her that you are not delaying out of stubbornness or contrarian tendencies but that you are having very serious keep you up at night reservations about THIS deal. Homes can be a blessing or an anchor. This one if you are pressured to go against your instincts and needs will become an anchor. Tell her you feel and fear this if it is so with you. Do not fight about it argue about it or try to convince each other, tell her how you feel honestly, in person while holding hands, then take leadership and say that we will have to wait for another deal. It is just dirt and lumber and there are too many deals out there to move into a house that only one half of the relationship likes. If the situation was reversed and it was your wife holding your hands and looking you in the eyes saying that she really didnt want to move into the house would you try to argue her into it? Would the perfect neighborhood, school district etc be worth her being unhappy. Would she feel forced and coerced into the deal and would that add resentment to the relationship? Help her to understand that it would be the same for you and trust her to being able to give you the same respect that you would give her opinions and feelings. If she still insists on getting the house I highly recommend marriage counseling as there are communication trust controlling and a host of other issues that will sooner or later need to be worked out.

As far as family pressuring you, set boundaries. This is a decision for you and your wife to discuses and come to a decision that is best for the two of you and your family. If they like the house so much, good, they can buy the fn thing and invite you to BBQs, otherwise thanks for the advice but now go fix their own lives and leave yours alone. 

Good luck
Regards
Brian King


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## JadecloudAlchemist (Jun 15, 2009)

> The previous owner was a doctor his kids are (and I am not kidding) doctors and lawyers (not one is a doctor and the other a lawyer they are both doctor and lawyer)


 Wow I thought people who were super smart become serial killers. Oh so many jokes I can make with this one.- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_killer



> I just can't picture me fitting in there at all.


 
 I felt the same way when I met my wifes family in Japan and they fed me something spicy and I had this big long snot coming out of my nose and I was trying to wipe it and not them see it while talking to them. Talk about awkard.

I hear ya about feeling out of place. Sometimes you have to take a bullet or in this case Yuppies for your family. Here ya go:


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## jks9199 (Jun 15, 2009)

Something is setting you off on this.  I don't think it's just "MA won't fit the neighborhood" because that's easily dealt with.  Explain it to anyone who questions your eccentricity, maybe even invite them to train!

"Too perfect"...  another rationalization.

Brian's right; you need to discuss this with your wife.  And with the kids, too.  but you also need to discuss it with yourself.  Keep digging till you find the real problem.  It may simply be jitters.  Or it may be just a bit of cold feet...


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 15, 2009)

I have done a WHOLE lot of thinking and talking (not arguing) about this and there is more to come. It is just she appears to love the house and I don&#8217;t. And it is not that everything about the house is perfect, there would be some pretty major landscape work. I am not a big fan of bushes and hedges (I don&#8217;t want to take care of them) and the previous owner apparently loved the silly things so they would have to go. Over 2000 square foot house and I can&#8217;t see the house form the street due to the shrubbery, and it is not that far from the street. Same goes for the interior any changes would be because we have different tastes than the previous owner and there would be some. I even have some ideas about that when I am in the house... give me a few hours outside of it and I want nothing to do with it. 

Where I live now (I spent much of the weekend putting up a swing set by the way), we rent a house (we could buy it if we wanted and the owners really want us to and are offering an incredible deal); it is a nice neighborhood however the school system absolutely sucks. My neighbors are accountants, a police office, a retired couple, a family of 8 or is it 9, my doctor&#8217;s mother-in-law, and a crazy (but harmless) guy. But as I said the school system sucks and it is an hour drive (one way) to work for my wife and myself. My neighbor, the LEO, is pretty sure I am crazy but he is ok with that. You don&#8217;t see a whole lot of people hitting trees with an open palm strike these days&#8230; unless you are my Sanda Sifu&#8217;s neighbor that is . 

We have looked at other houses and one was rather nice but the owner was also rather stubborn and not taking the advice of his realtor either. I don&#8217;t fault the guy for wanting to get all he can out of his house but he had it listed for about 50% greater than what it was worth, it had been on the market for months and he was now facing 2 mortgages between this house and the one he had to buy in the other state he had to move to for a job. And we were not low balling it we were looking at a fair price per our realtor and per what our realtor hinted at what his realtor said. And of course the termite house that was scratched off the list. That house would have been the one I wanted except for the whole termite thing and that was more expensive and needed much more work than the house of this post. All are in the same school district as well. 

As to what really is bothering me, I got to tell you it is exactly what I said. I am not ready to take that step that deep in to suburbia and into western society as we know it. And I sure as heck do not want to live by the standards of my neighbors. I don&#8217;t want to open up a chapter of the hells angles in my house but I just am not comfortable with this whole thing. I have family that lives in the neighborhood and they love it (he is a doctor by the way) and I liked going to their house from time to time but living there&#8230; I am not so sure. 

And you know as I type this I am realizing something. Every house looks virtually the same, much like any development, and they have all looked that way for 20 years or more. Where I live now the houses are considerably older and none look a like. And you would think in 20 years someone would have changed something. But they are all pretty much the same with variations in pastel colors

Much like elder I would love to move to the deep woods, I loved working the tree farm in the hills of Pennsylvania (where I learned to NOT trust trees ) but my wife grew up in a city that was 4 times bigger than NYC and she fears the countryside. So that is out and we are looking for a compromise between what she first wanted which was on a rather busy road and mostly surrounded by pavement and what I wanted which was in the woods and we are roughly there. 

Well I guess I am back to racking my brain as to why I don&#8217;t want this house. But after work today I am going to drive by another one that is for sale and see what I think about that. 

And lastly it was the time I took this past weekend to not think about it and to just sit (a meditation thing) that this thought kept coming to me "I don't want this house" 

Thanks for reading, I have more to think about and talk about with the better half.


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## morph4me (Jun 15, 2009)

I wish I could empathize Xue, but I would probably move in and just  make the changes I want to make and to hell with the neighbors, if they don't like it they could put up a fence.


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## Flea (Jun 16, 2009)

> Would she feel forced and coerced into the deal and would that add resentment to the relationship? Help her to understand that it would be the same for you and trust her to being able to give you the same respect that you would give her opinions and feelings. If she still insists on getting the house I highly recommend marriage counseling as there are communication trust controlling and a host of other issues that will sooner or later need to be worked out.



Thank you Brian.  That's what I was trying to articulate above with my post about needing to be in agreement.  A house is a major life decision, and if you feel coerced it's likely to be a source of longterm resentment.  There's no more effective poison for a relationship - just ask my parents.  When you do, be sure to account for the time difference between the east and west coasts.


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## Xue Sheng (Jun 16, 2009)

Morph&#8217;s post hit a cord by the way :tantrum:... and well I otta.... 

Where ever I moved previously my attitude (as scary as this may sound) can be summed up in a line from the Joker form the first Batman movie &#8220;Wait till they get a load of me&#8221;, however I have been single every time I ever moved so this time appears to be a bit different but I am back to the same feeling about the area should we move there &#8220;Wait till they get a load of me :EG:&#8221;

OK here is what I am going to do, since I am really tired of this whole mess as well as tired of stressing about the whole thing and in an attempt to stop building up stories in my mind around it all I am simply going to stop worrying about it and basically let the Gods, powers that be, Bal or whomever you want, sort this whole thing out. 

There is no pressure and no rush the seller is extraordinarily cooperative. Next week we are going to have an inspector go through the house; inspection, termite, radon the whole 9 yards. After that I will see how things look. I need to spend about 3 hours in the house with the inspector so that should give me a better idea about what is going on. 

Thanks for the :whip: morph

Thanks All :bangahead:


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## morph4me (Jun 16, 2009)

I guess you just needed to hear what you already knew. Glad to be of service


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## Xue Sheng (Jul 6, 2009)

Well it&#8217;s over.

We did not buy the house, I let the Gods handle it and handle it they did.

After the house inspection there were a few things that were not good, and I will say the biggest of those problems I am fairly certain that the owner was entirely unaware of but I don&#8217;t want to spend a whole lot of money on a house just to have to spend another $20,000 to $30,000 to fix it. 

Yes we could have negotiated the price a bit more but when my wife said she did not want it I took that as a sign to get out and out we got.

And now it is back to looking for a house, luckily we are in no hurry we have over a year to find one.

Thanks for the responses


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## jks9199 (Jul 6, 2009)

A $20000 to $30000 repair tab is a big deal...  That's something on the order of an entirely new roof or significant structural work.

I'd stay away unless there was one hell of a reason to buy.


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## Flea (Jul 6, 2009)

Do you feel relieved now that it's been resolved?  More importantly, do you feel relieved not to be moving in there?  Just wondering ... that's how I usually know something _really_ isn't meant to be.

I had a similar moment of discomfort last week when I did a drive-by of a condo I considered.  The description was idyllic, and it really delivered.  On the end of a dead-end street, facing a duck pond, quiet, pastoral.  But when I walked up to the building, this middle-aged woman *glared* at me.  She had the hardest face I've ever seen in my life, and it literally turned my stomach making smalltalk with her.  She also turned out to be the downstairs neighbor to the unit.  Never mind ...

These instincts are important.  As disappointed as I was to meet her as a potential neighbor, I was grateful to know early on in the process rather than live with a mistake for several years.  

Either way it seems to have worked out to your satisfaction, and I salute you.


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## Xue Sheng (Jul 6, 2009)

jks9199 said:


> A $20000 to $30000 repair tab is a big deal... That's something on the order of an entirely new roof or significant structural work.
> 
> I'd stay away unless there was one hell of a reason to buy.


 
It was a big-time structural issue that was just waiting to happen and I truly do not think the owners knew anything about it. 

However they may have known about the pest problems 



Flea said:


> Do you feel relieved now that it's been resolved? More importantly, do you feel relieved not to be moving in there? Just wondering ... that's how I usually know something _really_ isn't meant to be.
> 
> I had a similar moment of discomfort last week when I did a drive-by of a condo I considered. The description was idyllic, and it really delivered. On the end of a dead-end street, facing a duck pond, quiet, pastoral. But when I walked up to the building, this middle-aged woman *glared* at me. She had the hardest face I've ever seen in my life, and it literally turned my stomach making smalltalk with her. She also turned out to be the downstairs neighbor to the unit. Never mind ...
> 
> ...


 
Oh, yes yes. There's a difference in everything. The whole world just changed for me. _[pause, looking up]_ Ohh, look. The stars are new. The moon is new. Xue Sheng is new, and I like him. _[pointing to the stars]_ And I like them. And they like me. And none of us like that house 

(Ok it is a rather old obscure bastardized Cheers quote, but it fits).


I had kind of accepted my fate but I am rather happy it is over and we are now looking someplace (area) I like much better. Part of it, I realized this afternoon driving home was that I like living in more of a country setting and I really do not want to live in a city and my wife fears the countryside and prefers the city and even though I thought that was compromise I realize that although it is a nice neighborhood with a good school system it is pretty much a small patch of woods in the middle of a city. Where we are looking now is also called a city but it is much more spread out and much more like a place I want to live and it appears she like it to...just because it is called a city.


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## jks9199 (Jul 6, 2009)

Structural issues can be like that... unless and until you actually look, if things are behaving, you don't know about 'em.  Until the wrong combination of winds hit or a little too much snow, or someone puts a waterbed in... or hangs a punching or whatever.  Then things get rather exciting...

Of course, on the other end are things like, oh, a significant flooding issue caused by the dumb design of a row of slab-built townhouses that the guy who you're buying it (who's just flipping it) from covered over by adding fresh flooring, etc...  And, thanks to the reasonable efforts to protect folks from being sued silly over mold, the paperwork protects him.  Yes, I checked.  After discovering the indoor pool effect a few days *after *settlement.:xtrmshock :angry: :tantrum: Did get it taken care of though...


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## Flea (Jul 6, 2009)

Today I signed on with a program that helps home-buyers get "empowered."  Help with credit, financial literacy, home ownership classes, and mortgage lenders who specialize in ferreting out special loans and grants for people who qualify.  I'll take all the help I can get.  :ultracool

Tomorrow I'm getting my condo appraised so I know just what my budget will be on my next purchase.  And I'm touring a home on the market.  It sounds like a fully functional fleabag, but affordable and in my target neighborhood. Wherever I move I'm going to make cosmetic changes anyway, so who cares if it's ugly now?

Don't worry Xue, you'll make it.  So will I.


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## jks9199 (Jul 6, 2009)

Flea,
Find yourself a good inspector.  Start looking know so that you can check references thoroughly.  Don't get stuck with a guy who's not experienced and simply the guy that the realtor's office knows...


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## Carol (Jul 6, 2009)

Amen to that.  Always get a thorough home inspection with a condo.  Some internal, or even structural issues can be the responsibility of the homeowner to fix.   It can be a long, aggravating process...all the best!


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## Big Don (Jul 7, 2009)

Remember the 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of being right, you have a 90% chance of being wrong.


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## Xue Sheng (Jul 7, 2009)

jks9199 said:


> Structural issues can be like that... unless and until you actually look, if things are behaving, you don't know about 'em. Until the wrong combination of winds hit or a little too much snow, or someone puts a waterbed in... or hangs a punching or whatever. Then things get rather exciting...
> 
> Of course, on the other end are things like, oh, a significant flooding issue caused by the dumb design of a row of slab-built townhouses that the guy who you're buying it (who's just flipping it) from covered over by adding fresh flooring, etc... And, thanks to the reasonable efforts to protect folks from being sued silly over mold, the paperwork protects him. Yes, I checked. After discovering the indoor pool effect a few days *after *settlement.:xtrmshock :angry: :tantrum: Did get it taken care of though...


 
DAMN!!!! I am glad you got it taken care of though

As to what I was looking at, likely not today and maybe not tomorrow but possibly within a year or 2 the back of the house falling off if I did not get it fixed. But first some SERIOUS shifting as things froze come winter




Flea said:


> Today I signed on with a program that helps home-buyers get "empowered." Help with credit, financial literacy, home ownership classes, and mortgage lenders who specialize in ferreting out special loans and grants for people who qualify. I'll take all the help I can get. :ultracool
> 
> Tomorrow I'm getting my condo appraised so I know just what my budget will be on my next purchase. And I'm touring a home on the market. It sounds like a fully functional fleabag, but affordable and in my target neighborhood. Wherever I move I'm going to make cosmetic changes anyway, so who cares if it's ugly now?
> 
> Don't worry Xue, you'll make it. So will I.


 
Good luck flea and yes you will make it.

As far as my house search, I have no worries, we are financially in a real good place and we have a year to find a house so things are fine. Besides...just between you and me....I didn't like that house anyway 



jks9199 said:


> Flea,
> Find yourself a good inspector. Start looking know so that you can check references thoroughly. Don't get stuck with a guy who's not experienced and simply the guy that the realtor's office knows...


 
A good inspector makes all the difference in the world. The guy we hired was checking stuff I didn't even know existed. I was very happy we hired him and I learned a lot while he was doing his inspection


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