# Need help



## ScardyCat (Dec 10, 2015)

Hey everyone, I am newbie looking to introduce himself and get advice 

I am around 20 years old, height of around 177cm, and weight of about 68 kg. I am mostly fit, since I play football (the European kind) on my free time.

I am writing here to get some advice on how to alleviate a serious lack of self-confidence that I have with regards to fighting.

I think I am a peaceful person. I don't have enemies, and I never started a fight in my life. I didn't really participate in a serious one either. I would also like to add that I am not afraid of individuals in the sense of "I am afraid of what he will do to me", but rather afraid of fights in general: adrenaline spike makes me act with primal instincts, everything goes blurry, my chest is heavy and (yes) I feel like crying.

And I want to get over that. I want to be able to stand against, well, anyone, and keep my head straight. I want to be able to calculate my options calmly in such situations, instead of experiencing these terrible symptoms I mentioned above.

I will also add that I have come to terms with myself being quite cowardly. I would much rather save my own skin and avoid the possibility of permanent injuries than to prove a point or keep my honor. This means that I don't mind doing whatever it takes (running away, blow below the belt, eye jabs, etc.) to reach this end.

So I am writing here, Martial Talk, to both get this off my chest, introduce myself as a new member, and get your input, since I am too afraid of discussing this with anyone I know (besides my father, but he just tells me to "avoid fights altogether" as the best way to deal with this issue).

Thank you for reading all the way down here,
and have a good weekend


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## ScardyCat (Dec 10, 2015)

I will end the final question then: What martial art would you suggest for me to take up? Given my physical description, what would work best? This is why I am writing all of this here, and I forgot to mention it up in the post.


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## Dirty Dog (Dec 10, 2015)

The art doesn't matter. Your insecurities are psychological, not physiological. Train in any art you think is fun, affordable, and accessible.


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## ScardyCat (Dec 10, 2015)

I did some research, on it, but different sources say different things. Given my physical description (and personal 'ethics' preferences), is there an art that you would suggest to me over another (i.e. one that I will be better at)?

Thanks for answering, too. I apologize if you guys get a lot of this type of questions.


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## ScardyCat (Dec 10, 2015)

I think I just secrete way too much adrenaline in this sort of situations. I need to work on that.

I feel confident that if I can get my head straight during these situations, I will 99% of the time be able to get out of them unscathed.


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## Dinkydoo (Dec 11, 2015)

If your goal is to mainly get over your fears as described in the OP, then I would suggest any MA where you will get a lot of exposure at doing exactly the type of thing that frightens you, but in a friendly, controlled environment (sparring). 

A lot of beginners (hell, even myself sometimes) shell up and/or turn their back during sparring and this is primarily because of a mental reaction to the fear of being hit (again). The more you do it, the more you become comfortable with the idea that you aren't going to shatter into a million pieces every time a punch slips through your guard - as you train, you should be continually working on your defensive and offensive skills that can be directly applied to this controlled situation. As you improve, you'll become more confident in your own ability to deal with things being thrown your way. 

For your specific goals, I'd recommend a competitive striking art like boxing, kickboxing, muay thai...etc By all means pick a traditional style but try to make sure that its a club that's going to give you regular exposure to dealing with the pressure of being punched (gently at first) in the face. Experience of that will help you to overcome your fears.

It's worthwhile to note that you might never become calm enough to be cool as a cucumber when a sudden, violent attack happens - but in this situation your training should take over and dish out a physical, almost automated response as required. Sometimes running is the best option, but martial arts training should definitely help to alleviate some of the anxiety you have around 'being in a fight'


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## lklawson (Dec 11, 2015)

ScardyCat said:


> I did some research, on it, but different sources say different things. Given my physical description (and personal 'ethics' preferences), is there an art that you would suggest to me over another (i.e. one that I will be better at)?
> 
> Thanks for answering, too. I apologize if you guys get a lot of this type of questions.


Based on your description, I'd say arts which throw stressful randori at you.  I'm thinking a Boxing gym 2 days a week and a Judo dojo 2 days.

Peace favor your sword,
Kirk


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## Jenna (Dec 11, 2015)

ScardyCat said:


> So I am writing here, Martial Talk, to both get this off my chest, introduce myself as a new member, and get your input, since I am too afraid of discussing this with anyone I know (besides my father, but he just tells me to "avoid fights altogether" as the best way to deal with this issue).


Ciao Bello, welcome aboard, hey since some fights inevitably seek us out no matter what we do to avoid them, how do you rate the advice of your father? x


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## pgsmith (Dec 11, 2015)

ScardyCat said:


> I think I just secrete way too much adrenaline in this sort of situations. I need to work on that.
> 
> I feel confident that if I can get my head straight during these situations, I will 99% of the time be able to get out of them unscathed.


  You do not secrete too much adrenaline, it is simply that it takes training and familiarity to learn to deal with the flight or fight response. Most people don't get in physical altercations on a regular basis. Therefore, when one is forthcoming, they tend to lose focus when confronted with the adrenaline dump. As others have said, any martial art that causes you to confront and work through that spike will be helpful. I like Kirk's suggestions as they are two complimentary arts that are not difficult to find.

P.S. Avoiding unnecessary altercations does not make one a coward. Allowing fear to overrule all other thoughts is what makes one a coward in my opinion.


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## GiYu - Todd (Dec 11, 2015)

Avoiding confrontations is often the wisest choice of action, so don't discredit that.

As for spcific art forms, any of them should get you more comfortable with being physical, and will condition you to understand and tolerate your body's involuntary reactions better.  Having training partners who will push you, but are not trying to actually hurt you, will make you more comfortable while you learn.

What types of martial arts are taught in your area?  You may want to check out a few and see what the personality of the students are.  If they are very aggressive and competitive, you may want to look elsewhere.  Certain arts are more focused on sport and follow rules.  Some are more self-defense or combat oriented.  You want to find something you think you'll enjoy training in for a number of years.

Good luck on your quest.


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## The Great Gigsy (Dec 11, 2015)

Imo your height and weight have little to do with picking an art that is right for you. The best thing is to find one that you will enjoy learning. If you are worried about controling your adrenaline dump then as others have suggested find someplace that has sparring.


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## Bill Mattocks (Dec 11, 2015)

ScardyCat said:


> Hey everyone, I am newbie looking to introduce himself and get advice



First, welcome to MT.  As to advice, we have plenty of that.  Some of it useful.



> I am around 20 years old, height of around 177cm, and weight of about 68 kg. I am mostly fit, since I play football (the European kind) on my free time.



I don't know what that size and weight equate to in inches and pounds, but I'll take it to mean you're in fair enough condition and weight/height proportionate.



> I am writing here to get some advice on how to alleviate a serious lack of self-confidence that I have with regards to fighting.



You gain self-confidence in anything by doing it.  To gain self-confidence in fighting, you must fight.  Martial arts training is generally useful in that regard.



> I think I am a peaceful person. I don't have enemies, and I never started a fight in my life. I didn't really participate in a serious one either. I would also like to add that I am not afraid of individuals in the sense of "I am afraid of what he will do to me", but rather afraid of fights in general: adrenaline spike makes me act with primal instincts, everything goes blurry, my chest is heavy and (yes) I feel like crying.



I think many martial artists are peaceful people.  Many of us, having experienced a little of the ultra-violence, will go to some lengths to avoid it.  Part of martial arts training often centers on learning to spot trouble and avoid it, learning to be aware of your surroundings, learning not to behave as victims often do, learning to not go place and do things that often result in violence (buying illegal drugs, sex, hanging around in bars, etc).  It is as much about managing risk as it is about fighting skills in some sense.

Your description of the 'fight-or-flight' instinct is very natural.  Yes, when you can taste copper, things are often about to go sideways.



> And I want to get over that. I want to be able to stand against, well, anyone, and keep my head straight. I want to be able to calculate my options calmly in such situations, instead of experiencing these terrible symptoms I mentioned above.



Don't count too much on being able to do that in all situations.  What you can do is learn to manage your reactions and train your responses to fear.

Fear, for lack of a better word for it, is good.  To have no fear is to have little regard for one's own life.  Fear is a self-preservation tool, part of our instinctual reaction to danger, and it's quite useful.  However, fear can also (stealing from the book "Dune") be the mind-killer.  You may still feel many or all of the symptoms you described; but you won't be mastered or controlled by them.  They will be your tools, which alert your body to prepare itself and your mind to pay attention.



> I will also add that I have come to terms with myself being quite cowardly.



Cowardly is not a term I would use to describe your statements thus far.



> I would much rather save my own skin and avoid the possibility of permanent injuries than to prove a point or keep my honor. This means that I don't mind doing whatever it takes (running away, blow below the belt, eye jabs, etc.) to reach this end.



This is absolutely rational, and I applaud it.  Keep in mind that 'self-defense' means exactly that.  A shoot-out in a parking lot over a parking space is NOT self-defense, nor is punching out the fleabag who made goo-goo eyes at your spouse, etc.  That's all a load of bollocks.



> So I am writing here, Martial Talk, to both get this off my chest, introduce myself as a new member, and get your input, since I am too afraid of discussing this with anyone I know (besides my father, but he just tells me to "avoid fights altogether" as the best way to deal with this issue).



Avoiding fights altogether is good advice.  I recommend that.  However, I also recognize that we live in a world that does not always offer that option in every situation.  Fortune favors the prepared, so perhaps it is best to train yourself to be able to fight, and then do your best to avoid ever having to do so.



> Thank you for reading all the way down here,
> and have a good weekend



I applaud your honest self-appraisal, although I do not agree that you are a coward.  You have an entirely rational sense of self-preservation and I wish more knuckleheads had it.

As to your knock-on question about what style you should study, as many here will probably tell you, that has less to do with your body type or age, or even your temperament, than it does with several other things.

1) What is near you?  That would tend to give you a certain set of options and exclude others.  No need to set one's sights on Western Siberian Yak-Codgering Style if it's simply not available near you.  Although frankly, it's a great style.
2) What are the qualifications of the places near you?  Takes some googling, and perhaps asking more questions here and then later, in the actual training facility.
3) How well do you feel you can connect with the instructor and students?  Martial arts training is very much joining a small family - you're going to be spending a lot of time in each other's company, and it's important to feel you fit in and are liked and accepted there.
4) Do it and don't just spin your wheels over it.  At a certain point, the penny has to drop.  Stop talk, go do.
5) Secret to all martial arts success is this...keep training.  It is not a one-and-done kind of thing.  You don't train until you reach a certain proficiency level and then call it good.  It's a lifelong pursuit for many of us.

Don't think you are going to become a master of zen-like calm and be able to cooly assess threats and mete out violence to the wicked as they so richly deserve.  More like you will be able to recognize a real threat from a 'false positive' and be ready to defend yourself and then if called upon, be able to do so effectively.  You may still wish to pee your pants or throw up or both; but you'll be able to wait until you've dealt with the threat before you do.  And it's quite permissible in such situations.

Again, welcome to MT.


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## drop bear (Dec 11, 2015)

Funny enough the easiest way to overcome this issue is to be humble.

Most people feel weird before a fight. Acknowledge that and it becomes easier to deal with. So instead of fighting or being ashamed of feeling shakey or crying or whatever. Just accept that this happens.

 Otherwise people have a fear of loosing a fight because it is a shot at their ego. You do feel a bit silly when you have been bashed. Accepting you could loose and that plenty of people do loose fights. Here it helps to have a bit of a sense of humor about the whole deal.

Your life will be full of risk. Don't worry about it so much.


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## Hanzou (Dec 11, 2015)

ScardyCat said:


> I will end the final question then: What martial art would you suggest for me to take up? Given my physical description, what would work best? This is why I am writing all of this here, and I forgot to mention it up in the post.



Bjj or Judo.


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## crazydiamond (Dec 12, 2015)

I have spent most of my life avoiding conflict, either being diplomatic, or walking away. I thought maybe marital arts would make me "aggressive" or okay with seeking a fight. It has not - I am still a peaceful non violent person, but I am more willing to stand my ground, less "afraid of conflict", but in some ways even more willing to avoid an actual fight - but for different reasons, positive ones, where I feel ok or good about avoiding it. Training in martial arts can help you, one thing I think has helped me was starting some sparing - light sparing (20% power). Honestly taking some hits (punches and kicks with pads) mixing it up a bit has helped.   Overcoming fear, learning to deal with a few punches - has had impacts beyond just "fighting"...many times in life you just need to deal with fear and life giving you some hits. You learn - I can deal with it, it might be unpleasant, but I can push through life's fights.


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## Danny T (Dec 12, 2015)

ScardyCat said:


> Hey everyone, I am newbie looking to introduce himself and get advice
> 
> I am around 20 years old, height of around 177cm, and weight of about 68 kg. I am mostly fit, since I play football (the European kind) on my free time.
> 
> ...


You honesty in assessment is fresh and appreciated. Fighting is stressful and not knowing what to do makes it worse but know also even good fighters, have the same anxiety. They have learned to overcome it. Some overcome it simply because they are more fearful of peer pressure, others overcome it because they are foolhardy, and many overcome it by training. You don't seem to be one who has succumb to peer pressure or is foolhardy so training will probably be the best course of action.
As to what to train? Opinions will vary..., what is available and can you spend a reasonable amount of time dedicated to training and practicing? Training (in a class or privately) 2-3 hours weekly, practicing (a hour) everyday. Check out what is available in your area, talk with the instructor/s and other students, try it out. You have to enjoy the training and people you are training with (or you won't go). If you can get training in a striking art and a grappling art do so. 
Just know you are not alone in your feelings even though most will not be as honest as you in revealing them.


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## Brian R. VanCise (Dec 12, 2015)

Welcome to MartialTalk!

The best advice I can give you in regards to training in the martial arts would be to see what is available in your area.  Then go and check them out.  Take a free class and see which one and which instructor inspires you the most to train.  That is real important because in the end your the one who has to show up to train and  practice!


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## drop bear (Dec 12, 2015)

I learned to become violent later in life because I was paid to be. It's not something I ever really took seriously.


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## GiYu - Todd (Dec 14, 2015)

drop bear said:


> Most people feel weird before a fight. Acknowledge that and it becomes easier to deal with. So instead of fighting or being ashamed of feeling shakey or crying or whatever. Just accept that this happens.


 
When I was first starting training, I remember watching one woman testing for shodan.  During the randori (freestyle) part of the test, one punch landed rather hard knocking her down.  After briefly recoiling from the impact, she got back up with tears flowing down her face... and kept going.  She passed, BTW.  That ability to overcome her fear, is the level the OP could someday achieve with some training and perserverence.


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## drop bear (Dec 14, 2015)

GiYu - Todd said:


> When I was first starting training, I remember watching one woman testing for shodan.  During the randori (freestyle) part of the test, one punch landed rather hard knocking her down.  After briefly recoiling from the impact, she got back up with tears flowing down her face... and kept going.  She passed, BTW.  That ability to overcome her fear, is the level the OP could someday achieve with some training and perserverence.



Girls are a good example. 

(Puts my misogynist hat on)

Girls can cry at the drop of a hat. Where a guy cries only when he is outright emotionally crippled. So a girl can cry and not really change her ability to perform the task at hand. That is not really overcoming an emotion but rather just work with it.


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## crazydiamond (Dec 14, 2015)

drop bear said:


> Where a guy cries only when he is outright emotionally crippled. .



Does a guy crying when the dad finds his son in the movie "finding Nemo" count? Cause I totally did not do that - sniff - I don't care what my wife and kid said happened.


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## Langenschwert (Dec 19, 2015)

To the OP:

Fighting "for real" is generally stupid. You are right to avoid it. It is up to you to decide what your line in the sand is... for what reasons you would stand and fight. Usually it's because you have no other choice, or you're protecting a loved one from grievous harm.

Boxing, Judo, Wrestling, Competitive HEMA are all high-stress environments that would help you deal with adrenaline. So could Rugby or skydiving or North American Football. Doesn't have to be a martial art. I've found Judo to be more terrifying than longsword competition, but neither one is particularly relaxing. Both are scary and will help you deal with adrenaline.

As a general rule, people who practice contact martial arts like Boxing or wrestling can "handle" themselves in a fight. So can Rugby players, on average.


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## crazydiamond (Dec 19, 2015)

You just need to find a "good"  MMA school to toughen you up.


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## drop bear (Dec 19, 2015)

crazydiamond said:


> You just need to find a "good"  MMA school to toughen you up.



Go one better.


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Dec 19, 2015)

If the OP is still reading this:

What you're describing is a panic attack. The best thing to do is go to a therapist and tell him you're having a panic attack, then see if he can work with you to help you overcome them. If you don't want to do that, I would say that the art doesn't really matter. What you want to look for is an art that has different levels of sparring and/or randori or beginner/intermediate/advanced classes, because thats about as close to exposure therapy or systematic desensitization as you're going to get, without being reckless/stupid. If you want me to clarify what any of that is or have any other questions, pm me and I'll help you out.


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## pgsmith (Dec 21, 2015)

kempodisciple said:


> If the OP is still reading this:
> 
> What you're describing is a panic attack. The best thing to do is go to a therapist and tell him you're having a panic attack, then see if he can work with you to help you overcome them.



  It did not sound like a panic attack to me. What the OP described sounds like a normal person's response to being in a possibly bad situation. A panic attack is that same response in an unrelated situation, and they make it impossible to function normally. Therapy is not necessary to deal with a sudden increase in adrenalin. Of course, if it IS symptoms of a panic attack, then starting any martial art will reveal that as it will happen regularly. Then he can go talk to a qualified therapist.

  It is not generally a good idea to offer definitive diagnoses over the internet in my opinion.


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Dec 21, 2015)

From how I read it, OP was implying that this happens any time there's a possibility of a fight (which can seriously inhibit his life, which would qualify it as a panic attack). Reading it over, he never stated that it was every time there was a possibility, so i must have jumped to that conclusion.

I did not intend to give a definitive diagnoses; it is why I said he should see a therapist. If I am wrong, they will inform the person, but it is better to find out before doing something that can make it worse, which a high-intensity art or any MMA gym (which is what people outside of here might suggest) might do. I should have written "you think you're having a panic attack" not "tell him you're having a panic attack", but I definitely did not mean it to be definitive, just that he should see someone first.


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## Ironbear24 (Dec 23, 2015)

ScardyCat said:


> I would also like to add that I am not afraid of individuals in the sense of "I am afraid of what he will do to me", but rather afraid of fights in general: adrenaline spike makes me act with primal instincts, everything goes blurry, my chest is heavy and (yes) I feel like crying.



Well for starters, do not refer to yourself as ScardyCat. That's a pretty big confidence killer right there. The only thing I can suggest is get into sparring, trust your sensei and other instructors, and keep in mind. All of your enemies are also made of skin and bone and muscle fibers like you are, they are just as capable of being broken and beaten. With experience will come confidence.

I myself have been there, and sometimes I still get scared especially since all the fights are someone much much bigger than me, I am not a small guy, but when it comes to bullies, they are often going to be bigger than you. Experience will build confidence and don't be afraid to "fight dirty" in a real fight, but do not do this when sparring of course.


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