# 10 Things Wrong With Star Trek



## fist of fury (Jun 3, 2003)

10.
Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9.
The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?


And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8.
Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."


Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7.
Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6.
No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.


5.
Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."


Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4.
A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3.
Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2.
The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1.
The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom


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## Kirk (Jun 3, 2003)

ROFL!!! Best one I've read in awhile!


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## tonbo (Jun 3, 2003)

SWEEEET!!  Very nice!!

One that got missed, though, is how there are so many darn clones and "evil twins" running around through the universe.  I mean, REALLY.....how many evil Picards, Rikers, and James T. Kirks can there BE?

Well, okay, I can see Capt. Kirk having plenty of offspring, since he seems to have....ah.....*had relations*....with a number of species (mainly in any episode where there was a female alien of any type that he could pin down).

Peace--


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## RCastillo (Jun 3, 2003)

Talk about my show! Them's fighin'words!:samurai:

I hope a Klingon mugs you on the way home!


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## Master of Blades (Jun 3, 2003)

> _Originally posted by fist of fury _
> *
> 3.
> Technobabble.
> ...



Now I just wait till my car doesnt start.....Then I can get the spice channel for free!  

Might need to get a car first....... :shrug:


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## RobP (Jun 3, 2003)

If you ever get the chance listen to Eddie Izzard's Star Trek phaser routine.

His line of though goes that with all the tehcnology available, why would they have just kill and stun settings on the phaser? How about having a  "limp" setting, or "mild depression" setting, or "water in ear" or "left the oven on at home".....


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## Mon Mon (Jun 3, 2003)

YOU WILL BE ABSORBED!!!


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## redfang (Jun 3, 2003)

Very nice post.  The lack of seatbelts has always mystified me.


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## jeffkyle (Jun 4, 2003)

I needed a good laugh!  I loved it!:roflmao: :roflmao:


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## tarabos (Jun 4, 2003)

lol...that was great....thanks...


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## TLH3rdDan (Jun 4, 2003)

you forgot the lack of toliets on the starship... i mean come on what the hell do they do with it... maybe giordi just reversed the polarity lol


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## Randy Strausbaugh (Jun 4, 2003)

> _Originally posted by TLH3rdDan _
> *you forgot the lack of toliets on the starship... i mean come on what the hell do they do with it... maybe giordi just reversed the polarity lol *


The toilets use transporter technology to convert the wast into separate atoms (lots of 'em) which are later recombined by the replicators.  That means today's synthale was yesterday's feces.:flushed::drinkbeer :barf: 

Trying to avoid life's potholes,
Randy Strausbaugh


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## tonbo (Jun 4, 2003)

Randy:

Nice use of icons to illustrate your point..... 

Peace--


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## jeffkyle (Jun 4, 2003)

I didn't need that mental picture.  Good thing it isn't the future yet!


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## rmcrobertson (Jun 4, 2003)

One word: Shatner.


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## Cryozombie (Jun 4, 2003)

> _Originally posted by RCastillo _
> *I hope a Klingon mugs you on the way home!  *



Come Now... in a fight between Tyr Anasasi from andromeda and Worf from STTNG, 

Tyr would eat Worf for breakfast.  No contest.

Worf: GROOWL! DIE NON KILINGON

Tyr: Worf, You silly little klingon.  Have you forgoten the Starfeelt Code?  You cannot attack me in your Starfleet Uniform.

Worf:GRRR. I suppose you are right.  You are very lucky cuz I...

Tyr: BANG! Sorry Friend.

ROFLMAO! :rofl:


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## A.R.K. (Jun 4, 2003)

Ya ever notice little items like...

In the 'Wraith of Khan', Khan says to Checkov on the planet [Seti Alpha 4] "I never forget a face..."  Yet Checkov wasn't on the Enterprise yet in the old series when Khan had his episode.

In the new Enterprise series, the Romulans have the cloaking device.  Yet they weren't suppose to have developed it yet until Kirk's day which is 100 years away in the future.

We have missles now that will blow the crud out of just about anything, yet the Enterprise torpedoes in the new series can't blow up a paper bag.

Just some food for thought.

Btw, spandex on some of the ladies isn't a bad idea


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## Kirk (Jun 4, 2003)

> _Originally posted by A.R.K. _
> *We have missles now that will blow the crud out of just about anything, yet the Enterprise torpedoes in the new series can't blow up a paper bag.*



Yes, but we don't have force fields.  As to the seat belts things ..
the have "inertial dampers" .. but I guess it's one of the first
systems to go down when hit .. or it's auto correct doesn't work
fast enough .. probably would work faster if you reverse the 
polarity.


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## Randy Strausbaugh (Jun 5, 2003)

> _Originally posted by A.R.K. _
> *In the 'Wraith of Khan', Khan says to Checkov on the planet [Seti Alpha 4] "I never forget a face..."  Yet Checkov wasn't on the Enterprise yet in the old series when Khan had his episode. *


I once knew someone ( a major Trekkie ) who asked Walter Koenig about this at a convention.  According to her, Koenig claimed that Checkov was on the Enterprise at the time, he just hadn't been promoted to the bridge crew yet.  He said both Checkov and Khan had a 23rd century version of the greenapple quickstep, and Checkov beat Khan to the head.  In a fit of anger, Khan swore "I will remember you!".  Anyway, that's the story as it was told to me.:shrug: 

Trying to avoid life's potholes,
Randy Strausbaugh


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## Kirk (Jun 5, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Randy Strausbaugh _
> *I once knew someone ( a major Trekkie ) who asked Walter Koenig about this at a convention.  According to her, Koenig claimed that Checkov was on the Enterprise at the time, he just hadn't been promoted to the bridge crew yet.  He said both Checkov and Khan had a 23rd century version of the greenapple quickstep, and Checkov beat Khan to the head.  In a fit of anger, Khan swore "I will remember you!".  Anyway, that's the story as it was told to me.:shrug:
> 
> Trying to avoid life's potholes,
> Randy Strausbaugh *



It pays to have geek friends


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## A.R.K. (Jun 5, 2003)

Randy, I can live with that answer  

Now I can sleep at nights :rofl: 

Anybody now what the 'T' stands for in James T Kirk?  I do  

I am NOT a trekkie though.....


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## Kirk (Jun 5, 2003)

> _Originally posted by A.R.K. _
> *Anybody now what the 'T' stands for in James T Kirk?  I do
> 
> *



Tiberius :asian:


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## Randy Strausbaugh (Jun 5, 2003)

> _Originally posted by A.R.K. _
> *Randy, I can live with that answer
> 
> Now I can sleep at nights :rofl:
> ...


Tiberius:asian: 

Know where Scotty's first name (Montgomery) came from?  I do 

Not a Trekkie, just a fan,
Randy Strausbaugh


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## Kirk (Jun 5, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Randy Strausbaugh _
> *Tiberius:asian:
> 
> Know where Scotty's first name (Montgomery) came from?  I do
> ...




I'm all ears.


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## Randy Strausbaugh (Jun 5, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Kirk _
> *I'm all ears. *


It's James Doohan's middle name.

The fountain of useless information,
Randy Strausbaugh


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## A.R.K. (Jun 5, 2003)

Alright, time for useless trivia lightning round....

Of the characters Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Scotty and Sulu.....

which three knew each other before being assigned to the Enterprise?

What was Sulu's first choice of assignments?  [Hint-it sure wasn't helmsman of the Enterprise]

Kirk was the youngest officer in Star Fleet to make captain [in that ere].  What was his age?


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## J-kid (Jun 6, 2003)

LOL you must be a Q


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## jeffkyle (Jun 6, 2003)

> _Originally posted by A.R.K. _
> *Alright, time for useless trivia lightning round....
> 
> Of the characters Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Scotty and Sulu.....
> ...



Waiting with anxiousness!    I bet my mom would know the answer...she was a major trekkie!


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## A.R.K. (Jun 6, 2003)

Alright, here we go  

McCoy was Kirk's doctor even prior to the original series.  In fact he saved Kirk's life just prior to his promotion and assignment to the Enterprise.  Sulu wanted to be a fighter pilot [space fighter pilot on the outer rim].  Kirk knew Sulu and his family and personally requested Sulu to be the helmsman...which Sulu initially didn't like.

So McCoy, Kirk and Sulu knew each other prior to being assigned to the Enterprise.  BTW Scott thought in the beginning that Kirk was a wet behind the ears loser...how things changed  

Kirk was 29 when he made Captain and took command of the Enterprise.

And there you have it    Just in case your ever on a game show with useless Star Trek trivia as a catagory....you'll be all set.


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## Seig (Jun 6, 2003)

Kirk was also highly pissed that Spock was assigned as first officer.....


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## Cryozombie (Jun 7, 2003)

Guys... You know WAY WAY WAY too much about this...

Oh yes  you do.  Did I see any of you on "Free Enterprise?"


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## Seig (Jun 9, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Technopunk _
> *Guys... You know WAY WAY WAY too much about this...
> 
> Oh yes  you do.  Did I see any of you on "Free Enterprise?" *


IS that Kind of like Free Willy?


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## Randy Strausbaugh (Jun 9, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *IS that Kind of like Free Willy? *


No, I think Free Willy was about the Clinton administration. 

Trying to avoid life's potholes,
Randy Strausbaugh


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## Galvatron (Jun 13, 2003)

> _Originally posted by A.R.K. _
> *Alright, here we go
> 
> McCoy was Kirk's doctor even prior to the original series.  In fact he saved Kirk's life just prior to his promotion and assignment to the Enterprise.  Sulu wanted to be a fighter pilot [space fighter pilot on the outer rim].  Kirk knew Sulu and his family and personally requested Sulu to be the helmsman...which Sulu initially didn't like.
> ...



Where do you get this from? If it's from a Star Trek Novel it's not part of established Star Trek "fact".
Sulu's first position on the Enterprise was not Helmsman. Watch the 2nd pilot episode 'Where no man has gone before' he is ship's chief physicst is that episode.


The ship's warp drive operates by the controlled exposure of matter and anti-matter to each other. what substance serves as the matter, and what substance serves as the Anti-Matter???


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## Seig (Jun 13, 2003)

One of the books, I forget the title, tells the story of when Kirk took command of the Enterprise.


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## Bob Hubbard (Jun 13, 2003)

Hydrogen and anti-hydrogen are the fuel source.  I forget where, but I read it some time ago.

At one point in time, I knew the specs for a constitution class heavy cruiser cold......it was on the '1st officers' exam for an organization once belonged to....

(Boy, do I feel geeky now).

But I'm undefeated in non-tourny klingon chess, so it all is good.  http://www.tasigh.org/takzh/


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## Galvatron (Jun 14, 2003)

Close, but no cigar. 
It was established in the next generation that the matter was Deuterium and the Antimatter was Anti-Hydrogen.

Constitution-Class starships were 947ft by 417ft.
990.6 by 440 in "refit" trim.


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## arnisador (Oct 26, 2003)

There's a well-known error where Spock says that the energy of something grows at a phenomenal rate--"Like one raised to the tenth power!" Did not one of the writers graduate from elementary school?

I liked the "Galaxy Quest" take-off and could stand a sequel to that!


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## Galvatron (Oct 28, 2003)

Galaxy Quest was great!
I loved that movie


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## The Master (Sep 27, 2006)

"Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it."

Poor Lubrication and Reversed Pollarity has caused many problems, not just with Starships of the fleet.


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## Randy Strausbaugh (Oct 1, 2006)

The Master said:


> Poor Lubrication and Reversed Pollarity has caused many problems, not just with Starships of the fleet.


A problem of Trojan proportions.


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## JBrainard (Oct 1, 2006)

There are ten things wrong with Star Trek, and they are all the same:
It's not Star Wars. :jediduel:


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## ArmorOfGod (Oct 1, 2006)

JBrainard said:


> There are ten things wrong with Star Trek, and they are all the same:
> It's not Star Wars. :jediduel:


 
I almost worshiped Star Wars until Episodes 1-3.  Man, those were terrible.  The acting was terrible.  The story was terrible.  Both Anakan actors were horrible.  It just stunk.

Natalie Portman and Ewan McGregor helped it, but having two good crewmen on a sinking ship does not make it resurface.

AoG


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