# Is there something wrong with me?



## amateur (Jan 12, 2019)

What's the difference between forums and advice columns? This is how I see it: In an advice column, you post a question, the column author, who is considered an expert at the field, gives you advice and that's about it. In a thread, you can also initiate further conversation. Otherwise, you might as well lock a thread after the first reply has been posted.
And yet, whenever I try to progress with a conversation, this is perceived as 'stubborness', 'narrow mindedness', 'arrogance' etc
I have been banned from more forums than I can count and it always began like that. Some members started feeling annoyed, I would try to explain to them that I did nothing bad and then, before I knew it, without a single prior warning point, I would see the message: 'You are banned from (insert forum)/Reason: No reason/Date the ban will be lifted: Never'. Whenever I tried to contact the mods and propose we try to find a more peaceful solution, they did not even reply to my emails. So, sometimes, I'm like: 'WTF am I doing wrong and I exasperate them to that extent?' 
This is not just an online thing. Nobody likes me in real life either, I never had any friends. One time, when I was 15, a guy told me that he liked my sister and wanted to marry her and I was like: 'Ok,' and that made him super happy and, for a while, we would chat and he would call me 'brother in law', but, one day, during a conversation, he got mad at me all of sudden and he told me he has had enough with me and my theories and, ever since, whenever I tried to even say 'hi' to him, he was like 'go away, nazi'. (I don't know what he finally did with my sis, if he did anything, and I don't care, this is off topic.)
Anyway, in this forum, I have seen signs of the 'annoyance phase', the period during which some members find me annoying, which is always followed pretty fast with the sudden perma ban with no right to appeal.
I might even see this message the next time I login. But what do I do wrong and every person who meets me, be it online or in real life, hates my guts after a while? Do I talk too much? Do I suffer from lack of awareness of when I should stop talking?
The fact that no one ever even bothers explaining to me what I do wrong means my mistake is pretty obvious by social rules but I cannot see it because I'm naive or stupid or whatever.
Or am I just born a jerk? One time, I heard an old woman say: 'Humans are born, not made. You cannot turn into a nice person, even if you want to.' So, if she's right and I'm born a jerk and I'll never be likeable, should I just stop bothering and accept the fact I'll never have any social life and never make it in a forum past a few weeks or months?
(Gosh, I can't believe I wrote all the above. What's got into me? But, after all that hard work, I don't feel like erasing my text. Maybe I have regretted it by tomorrow morning, lol.)


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## CB Jones (Jan 12, 2019)

Long as you follow the rules you shouldn't have a problem here.

When it comes to dealing with people...(and I have to remind myself of this often)...people have the right to be wrong (lol)....so make your points....think about other peoples points and move on.


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jan 12, 2019)

Most of the questions your asking here would be better to talk with a therapist about, rather than online, particularly the stuff with your possible brother-in-law/lack of friends. There's most likely some behavioral stuff at work that we can't really tell online. And a lot of what people consider 'nice' is behavioral stuff that can actually be changed, once you understand what it is.

However, I have noticed that a couple of your replies to people on here who disagree with you have been dismissive/devaluing the person who disagrees (calling people hun/sweetie, for one), and you seem to respond to minor picks at you very defensively. My guess is that you may get defensive like that in real life, which could cause problems in friendships. Sometimes it helps to just accept other people may have an attitude, for whatever reason, and either ignore it or not engage with that person if you can't ignore it.


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## Buka (Jan 13, 2019)

I don’t know, Amatuer, I think you’re pretty cool.

I think the internet in general is as you described. I don’t think it should be taken too seriously.

Stick around, I’ll bet you’ll feel more comfortable with every passing month.


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## Gerry Seymour (Jan 13, 2019)

It's possible you miss some communication cues (which are even harder to pick up on forums). It's also possible some forums (and some of their members) are touchy. Some combination of those two affects all of us to different extents.

If you put forth the effort to understand what people are saying (and it seems like you're doing that), then you'll probably do okay. Remember, sometimes other people will miss your cues, too, so be generous when judging their actions toward you. I do like that you've accepted some of it might be your fault...remember some of it might be theirs, too.


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## spidersam (Jan 13, 2019)

kempodisciple said:


> Most of the questions your asking here would be better to talk with a therapist about, rather than online, particularly the stuff with your possible brother-in-law/lack of friends. There's most likely some behavioral stuff at work that we can't really tell online. And a lot of what people consider 'nice' is behavioral stuff that can actually be changed, once you understand what it is.
> 
> However, I have noticed that a couple of your replies to people on here who disagree with you have been dismissive/devaluing the person who disagrees (calling people hun/sweetie, for one), and you seem to respond to minor picks at you very defensively. My guess is that you may get defensive like that in real life, which could cause problems in friendships. Sometimes it helps to just accept other people may have an attitude, for whatever reason, and either ignore it or not engage with that person if you can't ignore it.



I agree. If you’re having trouble conversing, this is something that should be overcome in person first. The internet is not a fair representation of reality. If this has been going on your whole life, kempodisciple’s suggestion for a therapist may solve your troubles. 

If you don’t want to see anybody, a good book (this may sound corny, but give it a shot) is How to Win Friends and Influence People. It really does help you understand the art of understanding others and bettering yourself. 

If you find you’re defensiveness is often the turning point in conversations, it might just be your response to disagreements that needs a little tweaking. When I debate, I do not take things personally. It’s two people trying to solve a puzzle from different sides. Mind you, some people are stinkers and will shoot you down/try to hurt your feelings. Brush them off. 

I’ve learned you cannot understand others until you understand yourself. Always listen and put yourself in other people’s shoes before doubting.  And of course, treat others the way you want to be treated (again unless they’re stinkers ).


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## jks9199 (Jan 13, 2019)

I'm not even going to try to address "real life"...  that takes someone who can see and talk to you directly.  In that regard, there are a number of books on conversation and communication skills available, and many have something of use in them.  Communication is definitely a skill, and takes work...

As to forums... different forums have different tones and rules, whether written or unwritten.  It's often easy to miss the hidden rules, and it's often a good idea to simply spend some time reading threads and hanging around the edges before you jump in.  That way, you get a feel for how people participate there.  Here at MartialTalk, we strive to be a friendly place, open to discussing many different arts and staying out of the various style wars.  We encourage people to have reasonably well thought out ideas and opinions, and to present them that way, avoiding "'cause I said so!" or similar meaningless arguments.  We encourage decent writing, requiring mostly English and avoiding lots of the internet shorthands.  DO make use of emojis and smilies and the like to add some tone to your writing, because we lose so much in written communication since the vast majority of communication is non-verbal...

You may be presenting your ideas, your theories, and your opinions too forcefully, or simply at the wrong time.  If you insist on arguing that no martial art makes appropriate use of the left middle toe, and you shove that opinion and argument into each and every thread and discussion -- you'll wear out your welcome, you know?  If your arguments never take into account what the other person has said, or simply restate again and again the same things, rather than responding to others... again, people will get fed up with you.  Or if you claim expertise without evidence, and don't allow that someone else just might know a thing or two... Yep, folks won't like you.

I suggest you spend some time looking at posts here.  Look at the people who post effectively and seem popular.  Emulate the things that seem to make them popular.  And look at the posters who constantly seem to increase friction when they participate...  try to see the things they do that you catch yourself doing, too.  Then... one way that internet communication like this beats face-to-face is the ability to delete or pull your words back before you send them...  Many times, I've written a post, paused, looked at it... and decided not to share it or to rewrite it heavily.  Sometimes, if I'm replying in a heated thread... I'll literally write my response, walk away or go to another browser tab for a few minutes... and come back, and re-read it, and decide if I really want to send it.


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## JowGaWolf (Jan 13, 2019)

amateur said:


> Anyway, in this forum, I have seen signs of the 'annoyance phase', the period during which some members find me annoying,


Some people find me annoying while other people don't.  This is just how life is.  I'm fine with it as long as me being annoying occurs while I'm being respectful to others.   I can't control how other's feel about me, but I can control my behavior.  As long as I'm respectful then the rest of the stuff doesn't matter.  As long as I'm being respectful, I just automatically assume that they are the one's with the problem and not me. 



amateur said:


> But what do I do wrong and every person who meets me, be it online or in real life, hates my guts after a while? Do I talk too much? Do I suffer from lack of awareness of when I should stop talking?


This reminds the short conversation about small details.  Like gpseymour stated, you are probably just missing cues.  Most cues are subtle as most people really don't come out and say what they really feel.  They just hope you'll eventually pick up on you but when you don't it builds their frustration.  This isn't your fault.  People should be clear what they feel and most of the times they aren't.



amateur said:


> he got mad at me all of sudden and he told me he has had enough with me and my theories


I can tell you this.  The only people who want to hear your theories is a person who shares the same theory.  I find it best to say it once and then drop it if they don't continue the conversation in agreement.  Sometimes our theories may be offensive so if they don't join in agreement or curiosity then it's just best not to share those thoughts with that person.


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## Kung Fu Wang (Jan 13, 2019)

When you start a thread, you want to collect all kind of responds. This will include responds that you agree and also the respond that you don't agree. You should put yourself in "listen" mode. Your opinion is no longer important. Quite often, people just start a thread so he can argue with everybody. IMO, if you start a thread, you should let others to argue, but you should stay out of it.

IMO, the following discussion is not proper.

A: What's the best MA style?
B: MA style X is the best.
C: MA style Y is the best.
A: I think X is better than Y.
C: If you already know it, why are you still asking?
A: ...
C: @#$%^&
A: &^%$#@


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## drop bear (Jan 13, 2019)

jks9199 said:


> I'm not even going to try to address "real life"...  that takes someone who can see and talk to you directly.  In that regard, there are a number of books on conversation and communication skills available, and many have something of use in them.  Communication is definitely a skill, and takes work...
> 
> As to forums... different forums have different tones and rules, whether written or unwritten.  It's often easy to miss the hidden rules, and it's often a good idea to simply spend some time reading threads and hanging around the edges before you jump in.  That way, you get a feel for how people participate there.  Here at MartialTalk, we strive to be a friendly place, open to discussing many different arts and staying out of the various style wars.  We encourage people to have reasonably well thought out ideas and opinions, and to present them that way, avoiding "'cause I said so!" or similar meaningless arguments.  We encourage decent writing, requiring mostly English and avoiding lots of the internet shorthands.  DO make use of emojis and smilies and the like to add some tone to your writing, because we lose so much in written communication since the vast majority of communication is non-verbal...
> 
> ...



Yeah. You can just math interactions out until people like you. 

It is a bit boring and repetitive but it works.

I used to do that bouncing.


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## amateur (Jan 13, 2019)

I don't think my bans are a matter of rule breaking. I made it for a few weeks/months on every forum I was banned from until, one day, I saw the 'banned' message. I didn't suddenly change my behaviour after a few weeks nor do I think I accidentally break a rule after a while; I guess people just get tired of me after a while, the annoyance I cause them slowly builds up until they stop talking to me (real life) or ban me (internet). 
There was even a case where I stayed in a forum for months without a single person feeling annoyed. They all seemed to be getting along with me. I believed that, like Ugly Duckling, I had finally found a place where I can belong and I typed in a post: 'Thanks guys, you're the only people who have no problem with my character. On any other forum I have ever been on, I get banned after a while.' Then, a member replied (sarcastically?): 'I can't imagine why.' The next day, I saw the usual perma ban message for no reason and I sent many appeals trying to figure out what had happened all of sudden, but nobody ever replied.
A strange thing I forgot to mention is that, sometimes, they seem to be giving me a second chance, but, right after that, before I can do anything else, they decide not to give me a second chance after all. 
For instance, one time, I was standing in a bookshop's corridor reading a book and a customer asked me to move aside so that she could pass but I didn't and told her the F word. A few days later, in the same bookshop, the owner approached and said 'If you ever harass customers again, you are banned from the shop.' I was about to say 'ok' or something but, the very next moment, before I could even respond, he said 'Actually, you know what, leave already. You are banned. Leave and don't show up in my shop ever again.' Regardless of whether it was polite of me to use the F word, I can't explain why one moment the owner just warned me he would ban me if I repeated that kind of behaviour and, the very next moment, he changed his mind and banned me.
Another time, on a forum with M rated stories/fanfictions, I was like 'this guy's story could use some improvement', so I wrote a remake of it and posted it and the mods locked the thread and were like 'plagiarism is a reason for ban; don't do it again'. I shrugged and was like 'ok', even though what I did was not exactly plagiarism (I had clearly written the word 'remake' in my story's title). A few days passed without me remaking other stories, until, one day, I saw the message: 'You're banned/Reason: Plagiarism/Date the ban expires: Never'.


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## Kung Fu Wang (Jan 13, 2019)

amateur said:


> told her the F word. ...


This may be the center of the issue.


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## amateur (Jan 13, 2019)

Kung Fu Wang said:


> This may be the center of the issue.



Ok, but why didn't he tell me 'leave' in the first place instead of saying 'if you do this again, you leave' only to tell me 'leave' the very next moment?


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## drop bear (Jan 13, 2019)

Force yourself to be around normal healthy individuals. And eventually what they are doing should run off on you.

Is it you who is doing the ninjitsu and systema? 

Cos that could be half your problem.


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jan 13, 2019)

amateur said:


> Ok, but why didn't he tell me 'leave' in the first place instead of saying 'if you do this again, you leave' only to tell me 'leave' the very next moment?


People are flighty sometimes. But you can only change your own behavior, not how others react to it, and it was your behavior that caused the issue. In that case it's obvious what you should have done/what you can change about it, but do you understand why your actions on the writing forum was an issue?


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## Kung Fu Wang (Jan 13, 2019)

amateur said:


> Ok, but why didn't he tell me 'leave' in the first place instead of saying 'if you do this again, you leave' only to tell me 'leave' the very next moment?


May be from your respond (or your body language) that changed his mind.

A: If you do this again, you have to leave.
B: Who is going to make me?


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## skribs (Jan 13, 2019)

amateur said:


> What's the difference between forums and advice columns? This is how I see it: In an advice column, you post a question, the column author, who is considered an expert at the field, gives you advice and that's about it. In a thread, you can also initiate further conversation. Otherwise, you might as well lock a thread after the first reply has been posted.
> And yet, whenever I try to progress with a conversation, this is perceived as 'stubborness', 'narrow mindedness', 'arrogance' etc
> I have been banned from more forums than I can count and it always began like that. Some members started feeling annoyed, I would try to explain to them that I did nothing bad and then, before I knew it, without a single prior warning point, I would see the message: 'You are banned from (insert forum)/Reason: No reason/Date the ban will be lifted: Never'. Whenever I tried to contact the mods and propose we try to find a more peaceful solution, they did not even reply to my emails. So, sometimes, I'm like: 'WTF am I doing wrong and I exasperate them to that extent?'
> This is not just an online thing. Nobody likes me in real life either, I never had any friends. One time, when I was 15, a guy told me that he liked my sister and wanted to marry her and I was like: 'Ok,' and that made him super happy and, for a while, we would chat and he would call me 'brother in law', but, one day, during a conversation, he got mad at me all of sudden and he told me he has had enough with me and my theories and, ever since, whenever I tried to even say 'hi' to him, he was like 'go away, nazi'. (I don't know what he finally did with my sis, if he did anything, and I don't care, this is off topic.)
> ...



Use the ignore button to ignore anyone who berates you for asking questions.

It's done wonders for my time here.


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## amateur (Jan 13, 2019)

skribs said:


> Use the ignore button to ignore anyone who berates you for asking questions.
> 
> It's done wonders for my time here.



It's hopeless. When people start being annoyed at me on a forum, the day I'll see the perma ban message (with no right to appeal) is soon to come. It has happened countless times and it will happen here too. I might as well leave already...


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## skribs (Jan 13, 2019)

amateur said:


> It's hopeless. When people start being annoyed at me on a forum, the day I'll see the perma ban message (with no right to appeal) is soon to come. It has happened countless times and it will happen here too. I might as well leave already...



If you're getting banned from one forum, that's probably a problem with that forum.  If you get banned from every forum, you might want to look at what you're doing that's upsetting people.


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## jks9199 (Jan 13, 2019)

amateur said:


> For instance, one time, I was standing in a bookshop's corridor reading a book and a customer asked me to move aside so that she could pass but I didn't and told her the F word. A few days later, in the same bookshop, the owner approached and said 'If you ever harass customers again, you are banned from the shop.' I was about to say 'ok' or something but, the very next moment, before I could even respond, he said 'Actually, you know what, leave already. You are banned. Leave and don't show up in my shop ever again.' Regardless of whether it was polite of me to use the F word, I can't explain why one moment the owner just warned me he would ban me if I repeated that kind of behaviour and, the very next moment, he changed his mind and banned me.



Do you see the problem with this behavior?  If you don't -- your problems are much deeper than you understand.  It's not just impolite, it's offensive.  The owner's response?  I suspect that either there were other incidents that you're not aware of, or that you responded in a way that led him to decide it wasn't worth it.  Especially if you're treating his business like a library...



amateur said:


> Another time, on a forum with M rated stories/fanfictions, I was like 'this guy's story could use some improvement', so I wrote a remake of it and posted it and the mods locked the thread and were like 'plagiarism is a reason for ban; don't do it again'. I shrugged and was like 'ok', even though what I did was not exactly plagiarism (I had clearly written the word 'remake' in my story's title). A few days passed without me remaking other stories, until, one day, I saw the message: 'You're banned/Reason: Plagiarism/Date the ban expires: Never'.



You DID break the rules.  You took someone else's work, modified it somewhat, and presented it as your own.  I don't know the rules there -- but, at a bare minimum, I would think that just maybe they expected you to get permission before rewriting someone else's work and presenting it as  your own.  Again -- failing to understand this suggests deeper issues than you understand.


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## amateur (Jan 13, 2019)

jks9199 said:


> You DID break the rules.  You took someone else's work, modified it somewhat, and presented it as your own.  I don't know the rules there -- but, at a bare minimum, I would think that just maybe they expected you to get permission before rewriting someone else's work and presenting it as  your own.  Again -- failing to understand this suggests deeper issues than you understand.



I did not present it as my own. I clearly typed that it was the remake of another story. And I don't understand why, after they warned me and locked the thread and I did not react, a few days later, without me having remade any other stories, they remembered that again and banned me for plagiarism. 
And, another time, on a forum, I was banned for two weeks, but, after the end of the two weeks, when I tried to login, I saw the perma ban message. Then why didn't they perma ban me in the first place? Why did they made me believe it would be over in two weeks?
I consider these erratic changes of behaviour inexplicable. But maybe they are totally explicable among 'normal people', maybe they are part of some behavioral patterns among normal people that are so obviously right and logical that everybody is expected to know, so the fact that I don't know them means that I am so stupid that there is no need to even bother explaining them to me, which is why they never replied to my appeals and even my parents, when I was little and got mad at me and spanked me and I was like 'what did I do', they looked at me with contempt and answered 'if you still haven't understood what you have done, you are brainless, please don't talk to me' and, when I was about to ask them again, they would yell 'shut up, don't talk at all.'


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## _Simon_ (Jan 13, 2019)

amateur said:


> I did not present it as my own. I clearly typed that it was the remake of another story. And I don't understand why, after they warned me and locked the thread and I did not react, a few days later, without me having remade any other stories, they remembered that again and banned me for plagiarism.
> And, another time, on a forum, I was banned for two weeks, but, after the end of the two weeks, when I tried to login, I saw the perma ban message. Then why didn't they perma ban me in the first place? Why did they made me believe it would be over in two weeks?
> I consider these erratic changes of behaviour inexplicable. But maybe they are totally explicable among 'normal people', maybe they are part of some behavioral patterns among normal people that are so obviously right and logical that everybody is expected to know, so the fact that I don't know them means that I am so stupid that there is no need to even bother explaining them to me, which is why they never replied to my appeals and even my parents, when I was little and got mad at me and spanked me and I was like 'what did I do', they looked at me with contempt and answered 'if you still haven't understood what you have done, you are brainless, please don't talk to me' and, when I was about to ask them again, they would yell 'shut up, don't talk at all.'



There's nothing wrong with you mate, I'll just say that first!

But I've noticed that whenever something keeps happening as a pattern, there's a reason for it. And when we hold onto long-standing beliefs about ourselves they tend to manifest in our life. Over and over, until they're resolved. They literally become our reality and experience until there comes a time when we're over it, and have the willingness to question whether there's a better way.

Sounds like you're starting to recognise that, and especially your experience with your parents would have had a big influence. Not that it is their 'fault', as they were simply doing the best they can, but it would have reinforced a belief that there must be something wrong with you, and that you're brainless and don't know what you did wrong. It sounds like a rough thing to deal with... especially as you actually asked what it was and they didn't tell you. It can often lead to you just projecting onto yourself directly, so because you have no action to associate the guilt with and therefore learn from, you maybe have put it on yourself, as though "there must be something wrong with me then...".

It can be quite a deep belief system, and I have a similar one that I've had to work through. It's the feeling that I'll get it wrong, stuff it up, and leads to a lack of confidence and general fear of everyone around you and of approaching life.

We've all got our stuff mate, you're not alone in that, but the fact that you're aware of it is already a massive deal and a big step. Awareness is key for you to deal with it, to see how it influences your life, but more importantly how it makes you feel subjectively every moment of the day. The pattern constantly re-emerging is a sign that it's time and the perfect opportunity for you to deal with it. So good news paradoxically 

A therapist would be a great help to work through that, or just a really good friend you can just blurt out anything with.


(Also as a side note, sometimes when forum admin put a temporary ban on someone, they will go back and review their posts, and then often enough they can make an informed decision as to whether to ban them. It's not that they change their minds arbitrarily nor erratically, but that they take their time to review things)


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## amateur (Jan 14, 2019)

_Simon_ said:


> There's nothing wrong with you mate, I'll just say that first!
> 
> But I've noticed that whenever something keeps happening as a pattern, there's a reason for it. And when we hold onto long-standing beliefs about ourselves they tend to manifest in our life. Over and over, until they're resolved. They literally become our reality and experience until there comes a time when we're over it, and have the willingness to question whether there's a better way.
> 
> ...



Gosh! Everything is happening again. As I said before, there is the 'annoyance phase' before I'm banned. During the annoyance phase, most members are annoyed by me but there are also a few that try to show understanding like you do right now.
For instance, one time,on a forum about religions, I was trying to open my heart and there were some people indeed who were like 'whoah, I'm sorry you're pushed so hard', yet that didn't prevent the following message from showing up: 'You are perma banned for being a troll. Have a nice day!' and, of course, they never replied my appeals. History repeats itself. I can recognize all signs. The annoyance phase is progressing normally. I know I'll be banned from here sooner or later. Just ban me already to save time.

BTW, I don't trust therapists. I used to attend one but, essentially, he told me the same stuff that everybody else told me. The same stuff that I could tell myself as well but I could not act on. Great job! Those smartmouths are paid a fortune (100 euros per visit) to tell you what literally EVERYBODY else would tell you. Stay away from them, they only want your money, they couldn't care less about whether you are treated or not; I think they might even want you to stay like that so that you keep visiting them and they keep receiving 100 euros per visit. Keep this piece of advice from me to remember me by when I have got banned.


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jan 14, 2019)

amateur said:


> Gosh! Everything is happening again. As I said before, there is the 'annoyance phase' before I'm banned. During the annoyance phase, most members are annoyed by me but there are also a few that try to show understanding like you do right now.
> For instance, one time,on a forum about religions, I was trying to open my heart and there were some people indeed who were like 'whoah, I'm sorry you're pushed so hard', yet that didn't prevent the following message from showing up: 'You are perma banned for being a troll. Have a nice day!' and, of course, they never replied my appeals. History repeats itself. I can recognize all signs. The annoyance phase is progressing normally. I know I'll be banned from here sooner or later. Just ban me already to save time.
> 
> BTW, I don't trust therapists. I used to attend one but, essentially, he told me the same stuff that everybody else told me. The same stuff that I could tell myself as well but I could not act on. Great job! Those smartmouths are paid a fortune (100 euros per visit) to tell you what literally EVERYBODY else would tell you. Stay away from them, they only want your money, they couldn't care less about whether you are treated or not; I think they might even want you to stay like that so that you keep visiting them and they keep receiving 100 euros per visit. Keep this piece of advice from me to remember me by when I have got banned.


Just FYI, as a therapist, I would talk to you very differently then how I am on this site if you were one of my clients.

As for the rest of it- we would ban you if you made everything religious/political, or made a challenge match-none of which you've done. You didn't respond to my question, but and again *as a therapist* I would engage you to help you ascertain if this is the case on your own, but my guess is you don't think about the other person before you speak or type.

You stated that someone asked you to move aside and you refused and cursed her out. Not the biggest thing in the world, but your emotions acted-thinking it through, is asking a stranger to move so you can reach a book something to curse them out about?

With the story on the writing forum-you didn't answer me but I'm going to assume you don't understand why what you did was wrong. If you think what someone wrote needs improvement in whatever sense (and in general in life you should follow this): think: "Does it need to be addressed?" If so "Does it need to be addressed by me?" Let's say your answer to both is yes. Even then, the appropriate response would not be to remake someone's worth, without their permission, and post it on that site. If you felt you needed to rewrite it, the appropriate thing would be to message the person, explain why you feel it should be re-written, and ask if it's okay that you do so. But before that, give them the option to rewrite knowing the critique. As someone who writes in his free time, I would hate to find out someone re-wrote my stories to fix holes I didn't even know I had.

Now my other question: You stated that you went to a therapist, but 'he told you the same stuff you could not act on'. What was it that he recommended you change, and why could you not change it? If you can understand that, the chances are that you can figure out what your issue is.

Finally: don't assume any therapist is in it for the money. Most therapists I know are smart/capable enough to work in a more lucrative field. We actively choose not to, in order to help people. I could go into more detail about that, and if you truly believe therapists are in it for the money send me a message and I will. But i promise you most of us are choosing a field with little income in order to help people.


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## _Simon_ (Jan 14, 2019)

amateur said:


> History repeats itself. I can recognize all signs. The annoyance phase is progressing normally. I know I'll be banned from here sooner or later. Just ban me already to save time.



History repeats itself for a reason, but you're now expecting it to happen, which it will as a result if you continue that belief. There's a big energetic/karmic component to all this I won't go into, but things will continue until the cycle is broken.

I understand it's frustrating... but I think it's one of the most empowering things to take responsibility for yourself. Of course you can't change others, but taking responsibility for your current mindset is the first step to any sort of shift. Shifting out of the victim mindset is important, as you're not the victim. But in saying that, I'm not saying "it's all your fault", it's not about blame at all, but you can always look into your mindset, and really question your beliefs and how you view yourself, and work slowly with yourself in letting them go. Be patient with yourself.



amateur said:


> BTW, I don't trust therapists. I used to attend one but, essentially, he told me the same stuff that everybody else told me. The same stuff that I could tell myself as well but I could not act on. Great job! Those smartmouths are paid a fortune (100 euros per visit) to tell you what literally EVERYBODY else would tell you. Stay away from them, they only want your money, they couldn't care less about whether you are treated or not; I think they might even want you to stay like that so that you keep visiting them and they keep receiving 100 euros per visit. Keep this piece of advice from me to remember me by when I have got banned.



Fair enough you don't trust therapists, but the thought that all therapists couldn't care less about you, and are only about getting money, is really not true in the slightest. Seriously. There are some incredible people out there doing some amazing work. And having seen multiple therapists over time, my experience has been the opposite to yours.

Like kempodisciple said, why couldn't you act on it? Willingness to me is the crux of it all (which no one else can give you), you have to be truly over these patterns to be willing to want a different life.

And myself being a trained counsellor, our tutor taught us first and foremost, that our job was to basically make sure that the person didn't come back to you. In other words, assist them to be in a place that they are healing, are self-empowered and no longer need a counsellor. Which I thought was really nice.


How did you feel about what I said in the last post though? Did it stir up anything?


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## Bruce7 (Jan 14, 2019)

amateur said:


> I don't think my bans are a matter of rule breaking. I made it for a few weeks/months on every forum I was banned from until, one day, I saw the 'banned' message. I didn't suddenly change my behaviour after a few weeks nor do I think I accidentally break a rule after a while; I guess people just get tired of me after a while, the annoyance I cause them slowly builds up until they stop talking to me (real life) or ban me (internet).
> There was even a case where I stayed in a forum for months without a single person feeling annoyed. They all seemed to be getting along with me. I believed that, like Ugly Duckling, I had finally found a place where I can belong and I typed in a post: 'Thanks guys, you're the only people who have no problem with my character. On any other forum I have ever been on, I get banned after a while.' Then, a member replied (sarcastically?): 'I can't imagine why.' The next day, I saw the usual perma ban message for no reason and I sent many appeals trying to figure out what had happened all of sudden, but nobody ever replied.
> A strange thing I forgot to mention is that, sometimes, they seem to be giving me a second chance, but, right after that, before I can do anything else, they decide not to give me a second chance after all.
> For instance, one time, I was standing in a bookshop's corridor reading a book and a customer asked me to move aside so that she could pass but I didn't and told her the F word. A few days later, in the same bookshop, the owner approached and said 'If you ever harass customers again, you are banned from the shop.' I was about to say 'ok' or something but, the very next moment, before I could even respond, he said 'Actually, you know what, leave already. You are banned. Leave and don't show up in my shop ever again.' Regardless of whether it was polite of me to use the F word, I can't explain why one moment the owner just warned me he would ban me if I repeated that kind of behaviour and, the very next moment, he changed his mind and banned me.
> Another time, on a forum with M rated stories/fanfictions, I was like 'this guy's story could use some improvement', so I wrote a remake of it and posted it and the mods locked the thread and were like 'plagiarism is a reason for ban; don't do it again'. I shrugged and was like 'ok', even though what I did was not exactly plagiarism (I had clearly written the word 'remake' in my story's title). A few days passed without me remaking other stories, until, one day, I saw the message: 'You're banned/Reason: Plagiarism/Date the ban expires: Never'.



I would have kicked you out too, using the f word to a women is total unacceptable how can you not know this?


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## pdg (Jan 14, 2019)

Bruce7 said:


> I would have kicked you out too, using the f word to a women is total unacceptable how can you not know this?



It's no more or less acceptable than using it 'to' anyone else, male or female...


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## drop bear (Jan 14, 2019)

I swear at babies.


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## Dirty Dog (Jan 14, 2019)

Bruce7 said:


> I would have kicked you out too, using the f word to a women is total unacceptable how can you not know this?



Actually, gender is irrelevant. If you're blocking an aisle in a store and someone asks to get by, dropping f-bombs is just inappropriate.


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## Bruce7 (Jan 14, 2019)

pdg said:


> It's no more or less acceptable than using it 'to' anyone else, male or female...


In my family we were taught this language was unacceptable, but in the navy a lot of men spoke that way, but they did not speak that way to women. IMO it should be unacceptable to everyone, but it is just wrong to speak to women this way.


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## Bruce7 (Jan 14, 2019)

I am sorry, I should not have let myself get sucked into the bookstore story.

Most people would never tell the bookstore story on them self. Most of us tell stories to make us look good to get good attention.
The only reason to tell bad stories on your self is you need attention so badly, you do not care if it is good or bad attention so long as you get attention. I hope you decide to find ways to get good attention and stay away from things gives you bad attention, because good attention should make you happier.

There was a lot of supportive feedback given, like Buka, CB, etc., why not respond positively back to them.


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## pdg (Jan 14, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> Actually, gender is irrelevant. If you're blocking an aisle in a store and someone asks to get by, dropping f-bombs is just inappropriate.



Depends how they ask to get by...

If they say "excuse me, can I get past please?" Then yeah, "f off" isn't a suitable response.

However, if they're like "shift yer effing **** ya little c" well, then equal opportunities legislation would apply.



Bruce7 said:


> In my family we were taught this language was unacceptable, but in the navy a lot of men spoke that way, but they did not speak that way to women. IMO it should be unacceptable to everyone, but it is just wrong to speak to women this way.



You should come visit, I can take you places where the women would make your ears bleed with their language - then after a bit of acclimatisation I'll introduce you to some military women 


Seriously, partitioning due to gender is not relevant - women aren't delicate flowers that need protection from the corruption of bad language.


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## spidersam (Jan 14, 2019)

pdg said:


> Depends how they ask to get by...
> 
> If they say "excuse me, can I get past please?" Then yeah, "f off" isn't a suitable response.
> 
> ...



I’ll add this. It’s a nice courtesy. I generally don’t like or use high level cussing and appreciate when others don’t too. But when someone apologizes for cursing in front of me, and I can only speak for myself, it’s just a minute of awkwardness where I have to say no it’s fine I don’t care and would have rather just continued the conversation. Kind of like when someone’s holding the door for you from far away so you have to awkwardly jog so they don’t stand there waiting. Lol. All in good intentions though and always appreciated.


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## pdg (Jan 14, 2019)

spidersam said:


> I’ll add this. It’s a nice courtesy. I generally don’t like or use high level cussing and appreciate when others don’t too. But when someone apologizes for cursing in front of me, and I can only speak for myself, it’s just a minute of awkwardness where I have to say no it’s fine I don’t care and would have rather just continued the conversation. Kind of like when someone’s holding the door for you from far away so you have to awkwardly jog so they don’t stand there waiting. Lol. All in good intentions though and always appreciated.



I don't mind what words are used if they're used in context.

I won't link to it, but a search for "Stephen Fry on swearing" explains it better than I can.


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## Bruce7 (Jan 14, 2019)

pdg said:


> Depends how they ask to get by...
> 
> If they say "excuse me, can I get past please?" Then yeah, "f off" isn't a suitable response.
> 
> ...



I am just old, I did not care for my son's language when he got out of the Coast Guard and it is true he said women in the Coast Guard spoke the same way,  that was hard to get my head around. It was 3 or 4 years before his language became better. 
But then again my wife's mother *never *cussed, until she was in her 80's and then she cussed a lot.


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## amateur (Jan 14, 2019)

kempodisciple said:


> Now my other question: You stated that you went to a therapist, but 'he told you the same stuff you could not act on'. What was it that he recommended you change, and why could you not change it? If you can understand that, the chances are that you can figure out what your issue is.



There was a period during which I behaved badly; I had figured that, since I'm no likeable anyway, I might as well cut loose and do what I want. The 'F word' incident happened during that period. 
People around me told me general stuff ('be more polite', 'smile' etc). But I could not. When I went to a psychiatrist, after many sessions and medicines which he prescribed and I took, he was like 'you should be more polite, smile etc'. I said 'I can't' and he said 'that's the problem; you must find the willpower to do it'. Well, that was basically what everybody else had been telling me. Whether it was my fault that I did not find the willpower is another story, but why did I have to attend that guy for months and give him thousands of euros just so that he would come to the same conclusion that random people did in 5 minutes? That's why I will never trust a therapist again.
Many years later, I calmed down, somehow, dunno how. And I stopped being that rude. But that was not due to the therapist. In any case, it is still a fact that nobody will ever like me no matter how I behave. That old woman who said 'humans are born, not made' was right. There is something in myself that makes me unlikeable and I cannot change it because humans are born, not made; likewise, I was born a jerk and I can do nothing about it.
I know I'll be banned from here, sooner or later. You might think you'll only ban me if I break a rule, but I guarantee you I don't have to break a rule for the inevitable to happen. Someday, the annoyance built up will be so great that you'll just ban me 'for no reason' (as the perma ban messages I saw in the past said). 
There was even a forum where I stayed for months without anyone ever feeling annoyed. On the contrary, they seemed to like me. And, when I posted 'Thanks guys. On all other forums I have been, they ban me after a while,' someone said 'I can't imagine why.' Next day, I was perma banned! I was like 'WHAA....' I posted countless appeals, trying to figure out what I had done wrong this time. The mods did not grace me with a single word!
Now, seeing the signs here, I have realized that there is nothing I can do to prevent the same thing from happening here. I am born an unlikeable person. This is just the way I am and I have to at last accept this reality. So I will stop caring.


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## skribs (Jan 14, 2019)

amateur said:


> since I'm no likeable anyway, I might as well cut loose and do what I want. The 'F word' incident happened during that period.



You realize that you have a problem relating to people.  Your two options are:

Work on better relating to people
Completely abandon any pretense of trying to relate to people
You chose option 2, and by your post seemingly chose it willingly.  Are you then surprised by the outcome?

You say you can do nothing about it.  That's an excuse.  It's a lie you tell yourself so that you don't have to change.  And, to be perfectly blunt - that is what's holding you back.  Nobody is inherently unlikeable.  Everyone starts off as a jerk.  Being sociable is a learned behavior.  You just need to stop saying "I can't" and start looking at "how I can."


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jan 14, 2019)

amateur said:


> There was a period during which I behaved badly; I had figured that, since I'm no likeable anyway, I might as well cut loose and do what I want. The 'F word' incident happened during that period.
> People around me told me general stuff ('be more polite', 'smile' etc). But I could not. When I went to a psychiatrist, after many sessions and medicines which he prescribed and I took, he was like 'you should be more polite, smile etc'. I said 'I can't' and he said 'that's the problem; you must find the willpower to do it'. Well, that was basically what everybody else had been telling me. Whether it was my fault that I did not find the willpower is another story, but why did I have to attend that guy for months and give him thousands of euros just so that he would come to the same conclusion that random people did in 5 minutes? That's why I will never trust a therapist again.
> Many years later, I calmed down, somehow, dunno how. And I stopped being that rude. But that was not due to the therapist. In any case, it is still a fact that nobody will ever like me no matter how I behave. That old woman who said 'humans are born, not made' was right. There is something in myself that makes me unlikeable and I cannot change it because humans are born, not made; likewise, I was born a jerk and I can do nothing about it.
> I know I'll be banned from here, sooner or later. You might think you'll only ban me if I break a rule, but I guarantee you I don't have to break a rule for the inevitable to happen. Someday, the annoyance built up will be so great that you'll just ban me 'for no reason' (as the perma ban messages I saw in the past said).
> ...


There's just about no way for me to respond to this without going into therapy-mode, which is something I do not do online. But I do want to tell you that there is a difference between what a psychiatrist and a therapist do.


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## spidersam (Jan 14, 2019)

amateur said:


> There was a period during which I behaved badly; I had figured that, since I'm no likeable anyway, I might as well cut loose and do what I want. The 'F word' incident happened during that period.
> People around me told me general stuff ('be more polite', 'smile' etc). But I could not. When I went to a psychiatrist, after many sessions and medicines which he prescribed and I took, he was like 'you should be more polite, smile etc'. I said 'I can't' and he said 'that's the problem; you must find the willpower to do it'. Well, that was basically what everybody else had been telling me. Whether it was my fault that I did not find the willpower is another story, but why did I have to attend that guy for months and give him thousands of euros just so that he would come to the same conclusion that random people did in 5 minutes? That's why I will never trust a therapist again.
> Many years later, I calmed down, somehow, dunno how. And I stopped being that rude. But that was not due to the therapist. In any case, it is still a fact that nobody will ever like me no matter how I behave. That old woman who said 'humans are born, not made' was right. There is something in myself that makes me unlikeable and I cannot change it because humans are born, not made; likewise, I was born a jerk and I can do nothing about it.
> I know I'll be banned from here, sooner or later. You might think you'll only ban me if I break a rule, but I guarantee you I don't have to break a rule for the inevitable to happen. Someday, the annoyance built up will be so great that you'll just ban me 'for no reason' (as the perma ban messages I saw in the past said).
> ...



I don’t know you, and I’m not a therapist. But I believe you cannot force a smile. You have to be happy, and then smile. My thoughts, find what makes you happy. You can’t pretend to be happy around others if you yourself are not. If others have been cruel to you, it will be hard to open yourself up to others. Happiness is contagious. Do what you love and focus on yourself for a while. Don’t worry about some forum online. Go outside and be happy. Others who share what you enjoy will come to you if you let them. Look at all of us here, talking to you, because we all have a similar passion. Try to find something new you love and allow it to help you forget the troubles of your past. The past will never go away. We can only choose to let it go through the joy of the present. Try to enjoy today without worrying about tomorrow. I think you may want to ask yourself to have the courage to try and build a new relationship, to have the confidence of being vulnerable to another’s judgement. This life is cruel and beautiful. Life is short, it should be simple, and it should end with a smile.


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## skribs (Jan 14, 2019)

spidersam said:


> I don’t know you, and I’m not a therapist. But I believe you cannot force a smile. You have to be happy, and then smile. My thoughts, find what makes you happy. You can’t pretend to be happy around others if you yourself are not. If others have been cruel to you, it will be hard to open yourself up to others. Happiness is contagious. Do what you love and focus on yourself for a while. Don’t worry about some forum online. Go outside and be happy. Others who share what you enjoy will come to you if you let them. Look at all of us here, talking to you, because we all have a similar passion. Try to find something new you love and allow it to help you forget the troubles of your past. The past will never go away. We can only choose to let it go through the joy of the present. Try to enjoy today without worrying about tomorrow.



You obviously don't work customer service if you think you can't force a smile.

Sometimes in order to change your attitude you have to fake it until it's real.


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## spidersam (Jan 14, 2019)

skribs said:


> You obviously don't work customer service if you think you can't force a smile.
> 
> Sometimes in order to change your attitude you have to fake it until it's real.



Ha! My mom does. I get to hear her complain everyday  Yes and that takes some strength. Good strength.


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## Gnarlie (Jan 14, 2019)

It is not as important for other people to like you as it is for you to like yourself. I hope you can find that. 



Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk


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## amateur (Jan 14, 2019)

spidersam said:


> I don’t know you, and I’m not a therapist. But I believe you cannot force a smile. You have to be happy, and then smile. My thoughts, find what makes you happy. You can’t pretend to be happy around others if you yourself are not. If others have been cruel to you, it will be hard to open yourself up to others. Happiness is contagious. Do what you love and focus on yourself for a while. Don’t worry about some forum online. Go outside and be happy. Others who share what you enjoy will come to you if you let them. Look at all of us here, talking to you, because we all have a similar passion. Try to find something new you love and allow it to help you forget the troubles of your past. The past will never go away. We can only choose to let it go through the joy of the present. Try to enjoy today without worrying about tomorrow. I think you may want to ask yourself to have the courage to try and build a new relationship, to have the confidence of being vulnerable to another’s judgement. This life is cruel and beautiful. Life is short, it should be simple, and it should end with a smile.



When I started using social media, I thought I could chill and chat somewhere online. I was a fool to believe that this is any different from real life. Since I'm not liked in real life, I should have known I wouldn't be liked online either. As I have said, I have been banned from many forums all of sudden, for pretty much no reason, after I had stayed there for a while, opened my heart and being shown sympathy from people. It's not hard to tell that the same thing will happen here. Someday, you will ban me with a 'no reason' message and never reply to my appeals. Since it happens for no reason, there is something about me which cannot be said with words but is plain obvious to everyone but me, because I don't have the elementary intelligence or social skills to see it.
I have been told by my grandma and my uncle that I was born this way. One time, my father told me that I am a despicable being without an ounce of kindness in me. I don't remember what I had done, but I was only 10! If you're told by your parent such a thing when you're at the supposedly innocent age of childhood, imagine how resentful you are by strangers as an adult. My relatives have no reason to lie to me and their words are proven whenever I see the 'banned for no reason' message, which I will definitely see here as well in the future.
When I stopped caring and started being rude, years ago, I guess I was still in anger, but now I am not. Now I just don't care, without being angry. I am in peace with the fact that I'll never be liked by anyone. You can ban me and get it over with.


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## jks9199 (Jan 14, 2019)

You're somehow focusing on people disliking you and anticipating a ban.  Why?  Most here are being rather supportive and offering help.  But you are spiraling into this "nobody likes me, they're going to ban me" spin without supporting evidence. 

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## spidersam (Jan 14, 2019)

amateur said:


> When I started using social media, I thought I could chill and chat somewhere online. I was a fool to believe that this is any different from real life. Since I'm not liked in real life, I should have known I wouldn't be liked online either. As I have said, I have been banned from many forums all of sudden, for pretty much no reason, after I had stayed there for a while, opened my heart and being shown sympathy from people. It's not hard to tell that the same thing will happen here. Someday, you will ban me with a 'no reason' message and never reply to my appeals. Since it happens for no reason, there is something about me which cannot be said with words but is plain obvious to everyone but me, because I don't have the elementary intelligence or social skills to see it.
> I have been told by my grandma and my uncle that I was born this way. One time, my father told me that I am a despicable being without an ounce of kindness in me. I don't remember what I had done, but I was only 10! If you're told by your parent such a thing when you're at the supposedly innocent age of childhood, imagine how resentful you are by strangers as an adult. My relatives have no reason to lie to me and their words are proven whenever I see the 'banned for no reason' message, which I will definitely see here as well in the future.
> When I stopped caring and started being rude, years ago, I guess I was still in anger, but now I am not. Now I just don't care, without being angry. I am in peace with the fact that I'll never be liked by anyone. You can ban me and get it over with.



You can either keep believing that or prove yourself wrong this time. Don’t think it’ll happen again. Be the change this time. You see now everyone in this forum is currently supporting you. Open your eyes to that and end the doubt because your future will be the result of your actions now. Think before you write and ask yourself is what I’m writing kind. This forum is for learning. Start karate (whatever it is you wish to do), come here with questions or for advice, and you may surprise yourself. Set a goal, man. One month, only write nice things. When you make it there, and don’t say you won’t, aim for a second. Peace.


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## amateur (Jan 14, 2019)

-Forum about cellphones: I was not there for cellphones. I was just discussing in the general section, because it was the only good forum I found in my mother tongue. I did not break a single rule. 2-3 people started being like 'duh, why is he never talking about cellphones?' (annoyance phase) Perma ban!

-Forum about pokemon: In the general section, there was a thread about sexual preferences. After reading some responses with pretty weird stuff, I was like 'well, I guess I can be open too'. I opened up and, a few hours later 'perma ban'. I explained to them that I have not done anything illegal in real life and I just posted fantasies, like everybody else in the thread. They deactivated my appeal function.

-Forum about workout: My first and last day there, I posted questions similar to what I have posted here on the beginner section. A few minutes later: 'You are banned/Reason: No reason/Date the ban will be lifted: Never'. Zero responses to my appeals.

-Forum about anime: I was not familiar with where the warning points icon was, so, when I started receiving warning points for a kind of posts considered spam, I reached the ban limit without realizing it. I got mad, not realizing what was going on and, in the appealing section, I reacted angrily. When I realized it, I was like 'oops, I hadn't seen them'. I posted another appeal, apologized for my behaviour, said I was in a bad day and asked for a second chance. They were like 'no, we don't want you here'.

-Other forum about anime: It was a new forum. No established rules yet. At some point, 'banned'! I logged in through another computer and, in a thread, there was a mod's post: 'Congrats dude, you managed to be banned before the rules are ever announced'. Other responses to that: 'Good riddance', '(Clapping icon)', 'Come on, guys, we've wasted enough time with his sorry *** already'. I posted on a chatbox connected to the forum and was like: 'Sorry, I thought your forum was one that allows trolling behaviour, because it has similar traits to another forum I have visited. Now that I know, I'll behave myself. May I have a second chance?' They all were like: 'Well, you guessed wrong, we're not like that forum and you're never coming back'.




spidersam said:


> You see now everyone in this forum is currently supporting you.



Just like the previous times.

-Religious forum: I was supported by people who were like 'whoah, I'm sorry you're being pushed so hard', until, one day, having received zero warning points, 'you're perma banned for being a troll, have a nice day'. Zero responses to my appeals.

-Female forum: I was supported by the supposedly more sensitive opposite sex. Nobody ever complained about my behaviour in the slightest. Until one day 'you have been perma banned, contact the admin for info'. I tried to contact them like a budzillion times, they treated me as non existent.

That's why I'm more than certain this is destined to happen here too.


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## _Simon_ (Jan 15, 2019)

amateur said:


> In any case, it is still a fact that nobody will ever like me no matter how I behave. That old woman who said 'humans are born, not made' was right. There is something in myself that makes me unlikeable and I cannot change it because humans are born, not made; likewise, I was born a jerk and I can do nothing about it.
> I know I'll be banned from here, sooner or later.



Ultimately this isn't about anyone else at all and how they feel about you. It's about how you feel about yourself.

Forget about the forums. Forget about being banned. Forget about what everyone has told you in the past.

Are you absolutely 100% certain without a doubt whatsoever you are unliked by everyone, right now in this instant?

I don't even care if you answer it to me, just answer it to yourself if you like.


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## skribs (Jan 15, 2019)

amateur said:


> -Forum about cellphones: I was not there for cellphones. I was just discussing in the general section, because it was the only good forum I found in my mother tongue. I did not break a single rule. 2-3 people started being like 'duh, why is he never talking about cellphones?' (annoyance phase) Perma ban!
> 
> -Forum about pokemon: In the general section, there was a thread about sexual preferences. After reading some responses with pretty weird stuff, I was like 'well, I guess I can be open too'. I opened up and, a few hours later 'perma ban'. I explained to them that I have not done anything illegal in real life and I just posted fantasies, like everybody else in the thread. They deactivated my appeal function.
> 
> ...



Before you post, read your post.  Think these things:


What would I think if someone said this to me?
Would I say this in front of my grandmother?
Would I say this in front of a little kid?
If you realize your post is offensive, rude, or condescending, you can reword it in a way that's more respectful.  Over time, you'll learn ways that you usually use to be respectful and it won't take as much thought.  Sort of like muscle memory.

If you've been banned from 7 forums, then either you've been really unlucky, or there's something you can work on.  Let's see:

Cell phones - you were off-topic.  Was there no "off topic" forum?
Pokemon - it sounds like you posted some stuff that went over the line there.
Anime #1 - you spammed, and then reacted in anger
Anime #2 - you trolled them
Religious forum - without knowing the details, it sounded like you were complaining about how someone in the religion treated you, but after a while they felt you were not there for apologies but just to vent anger at them
Female forum - sounds like you didn't qualify to be on that forum
6 of the 7 it seems a clear reason why you were banned.  If you stay on topic, don't troll people, don't post reactions in anger, and don't discuss taboo topics on forums (religion, politics, etc.), and keep your posts clean of swear words and other R-rated content, you should be fine.


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## _Simon_ (Jan 15, 2019)

amateur said:


> I have been told by my grandma and my uncle that I was born this way. One time, my father told me that I am a despicable being without an ounce of kindness in me. I don't remember what I had done, but I was only 10! If you're told by your parent such a thing when you're at the supposedly innocent age of childhood, imagine how resentful you are by strangers as an adult. My relatives have no reason to lie to me and their words are proven whenever I see the 'banned for no reason' message, which I will definitely see here as well in the future.



That is absolute and total rubbish. Honestly, 100% ********.

Our family just pass on what they were taught and what they know, it's not that he consciously knew he was lying to you, he may have felt that. But you in no way need to keep believing that. What a horrendous thing to tell a child...

You were an innocent child.... when he told you that of course you would believe him. You were an innocent little child who looked up to father. He was also innocent as a child too, and may have been told a similar thing. It is unfortunate, but all of us are told things that we unwittingly believe. Parents are just doing the best with what they know.

Your experience does not prove that their words were right, it proves that if you believe that, that is what you will experience. Truly.

Your pain is not PROOF that the world is how you see it, but it is proof that this would be the consequence of believing that it is.

It's the opportunity to undo that pattern within yourself. Just starts with questioning that belief system, being ruthlessly honest with yourself, and opening yourself up to the possibility that maybe it's not true after all...

A therapist/counsellor would just do wonders for you. It helps so much to have someone who will sit there without judgement, and assist you in seeing all this. But that's your call. You can take that leap and finally take responsibility or just resign yourself to 'this is how it will always be...'.

It sounds frightening to go there, but it is really safe. One small step at a time.


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## pdg (Jan 15, 2019)

skribs said:


> R-rated content



I have no clue what sort of age (or other criteria) R-rated refers to...


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## Dirty Dog (Jan 15, 2019)

pdg said:


> I have no clue what sort of age (or other criteria) R-rated refers to...



In the US. movies are rated based on the maturity of their content. An "R" rating means no one under 17 is allowed into the theater unless accompanied by an adult.


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## pdg (Jan 15, 2019)

pdg said:


> I have no clue what sort of age (or other criteria) R-rated refers to...




So I looked it up... On the surface, from the description, it appears to be almost the same as our "18" rating.

But it's not when it comes to application...

The majority of R-rated films are rated "15" here, some even "12".

I managed to find one single film that is "R" and "18" (there must be more, but I can't be bothered to spend more time looking) - and that's "American Beauty".

I did have the passing thought it must be due to using the word "American" in the title, but both "American Pie" and "American Ultra" are lower rated here, so that's not it.

So if you're in the US, keep your posts below "R" rated.

If you're outside the US, best to think "PG"...

Cultural differences ftw


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## pdg (Jan 15, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> In the US. movies are rated based on the maturity of their content. An "R" rating means no one under 17 is allowed into the theater unless accompanied by an adult.



Yeah, I looked it up, see my previous message if you missed it.

I could post stuff that would very likely pass a "12" rating (and definitely pass "15") and still fall foul of the requirement to not post R-rated content. Like clips from "The Matrix" say 


(Oh, and with reference to PG - that's a bit different to the US PG-13 rating too...)


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## Tez3 (Jan 15, 2019)

skribs said:


> If you've been banned from 7 forums, then either you've been really unlucky, or there's something you can work on




I know very little about how these things work but is it possible that one forum's admin would know or find out someone has been banned from other groups and are anticipating a troublesome poster so ban straight away?


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## pdg (Jan 15, 2019)

Tez3 said:


> I know very little about how these things work but is it possible that one forum's admin would know or find out someone has been banned from other groups and are anticipating a troublesome poster so ban straight away?



Yes, it's possible.

There are many ways a reputation can precede you on the internet.


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## Dirty Dog (Jan 15, 2019)

Tez3 said:


> I know very little about how these things work but is it possible that one forum's admin would know or find out someone has been banned from other groups and are anticipating a troublesome poster so ban straight away?



I know we don't do anything of the sort, nor is there any Secret Forum Admin Forum where we tell tails of terrible posters.
We're all too busy thinking of ways to spend our exorbitant salaries to bother.
The closest thing to what you're describing is sites that track spammers.


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## Bruce7 (Jan 15, 2019)

pdg said:


> So I looked it up... On the surface, from the description, it appears to be almost the same as our "18" rating.
> 
> But it's not when it comes to application...
> 
> ...


When I was a teenager
English movie ratings were more concern with violence .
American movie ratings were more concern with nudity.
I remember seeing a naked women playing a piano thinking this would be rated R in america. 

Now in america you see naked women after 9:00 on regular TV,
Old star trek TV shows gave you the idea of sex and violence, without sex and violence.
Good movies can get the point across without, showing hupping or brains and blood everywhere.


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## amateur (Jan 15, 2019)

_Simon_ said:


> Are you absolutely 100% certain without a doubt whatsoever you are unliked by everyone, right now in this instant?



Yup.



skribs said:


> Before you post, read your post.  Think these things:
> 
> 
> What would I think if someone said this to me?
> ...



I haven't been banned only from 7 forums. They're way more. I mentioned just the ones I could remember at that moment.
The general story is this: In the beginning, I was careless and broke rules indeed, but, on the first mistake, they would perma ban me, without accepting my apologies, without giving me second chances. Humans are ruthless!
Over the course of years, I became more careful, I really gave much thought to a text before clicking the 'post' button. But still I would end up banned. One forum even admitted banning me 'for no reason' in the ban message. On the forum about females, they banned me for seemingly no reason too, after I had spent months getting along with everyone. And I don't think my male gender was the issue, because I stated I was a man months before they banned me.
When, on this forum, some people started being annoyed at what they perceived as stubborness on my part, I started seeing the signs. It reminded me of that forum about cellphones where some people were annoyed that I never talked about cellphones (even though I posted everything on the 'off topic' section, so it was not against the rules) and, later, I saw the ban message. But I don't get it. There was a forum where a girl always posted on the off topic section and never posted stuff relevant to the forum's main topic either, yet she was adored by everyone.
And the fact that people here are supportive means nothing either. They were supportive on the forum about religion too, but that didn't prevent the day of my perma ban from coming.
That's why I'm totally, absolutely, 100%, beyond any doubt, certain that I'll get banned from here, one way or another.


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## amateur (Jan 15, 2019)

_Simon_ said:


> A therapist/counsellor would just do wonders for you. It helps so much to have someone who will sit there without judgement, and assist you in seeing all this. But that's your call. You can take that leap and finally take responsibility or just resign yourself to 'this is how it will always be...'.



I have already explained thoroughly why I don't trust those people. The thought that the only person who will sit and talk with me is someone paid to do it is not really pleasant and I don't intend to waste another fortune to hear predictable stuff like the previous time I attended a professional.


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## pdg (Jan 15, 2019)

@amateur - you are wrong.

You said you are 100% certain that nobody here likes you.

That's wrong.

I am entirely indifferent to you, I have pretty much zero feeling either way.


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## skribs (Jan 15, 2019)

amateur said:


> I have already explained thoroughly why I don't trust those people. The thought that the only person who will sit and talk with me is someone paid to do it is not really pleasant and I don't intend to waste another fortune to hear predictable stuff like the previous time I attended a professional.



To quote Heath Ledger's joker: if you're good at something, never do it for free.  These people had to get their degree in psychology (8+ years of schooling), and go through additional training and certifications afterwards in order to be qualified to help you.  They had to give up probably 10+ years of their life and hundreds of thousands of dollars in order to learn how to help people.

I don't think its selfish of them to then ask for payment in order to not only repay that time and money, but also the time it takes for them to use those skills to help you.

You'd pay someone if they mowed your lawn, cleaned your house, healed your physical sickness, or served you food in a restaraunt.  They're only there to make money as well.


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## _Simon_ (Jan 15, 2019)

amateur said:


> Yup.



Well I can tell you that it's not true at all.

I don't dislike you at all. I don't find you 'unlikeable'. I've actually found some topics you've brought up quite interesting. So that's just COMPLETELY shattered that whole belief. Just for a moment consider it.. reflect on it. This isn't about how others perceive you, but how you perceive yourself.



amateur said:


> I have already explained thoroughly why I don't trust those people. The thought that the only person who will sit and talk with me is someone paid to do it is not really pleasant and I don't intend to waste another fortune to hear predictable stuff like the previous time I attended a professional.



I understand that. Often times you have to find a therapist that you really click with. I've had quite a few, and some I just didn't gel with. It doesn't mean all therapists are a waste of time. I've found some extraordinary human beings that are the brimming with love and warmth. It is so not a waste of time.

Your own limit is your own beliefs man.


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## amateur (Jan 15, 2019)

skribs said:


> To quote Heath Ledger's joker: if you're good at something, never do it for free.  These people had to get their degree in psychology (8+ years of schooling), and go through additional training and certifications afterwards in order to be qualified to help you.  They had to give up probably 10+ years of their life and hundreds of thousands of dollars in order to learn how to help people.
> 
> I don't think its selfish of them to then ask for payment in order to not only repay that time and money, but also the time it takes for them to use those skills to help you.
> 
> You'd pay someone if they mowed your lawn, cleaned your house, healed your physical sickness, or served you food in a restaraunt.  They're only there to make money as well.



Degree for what? For telling you the same stuff as everybody else? ('It is up to you to find the willpower etc'). You can arguably blame me for not having followed their advice, but it is the same advice that an untrained person would give you. Why did I visit that guy for years and gave him thousands of euros? Therapists are frauds, they exploit human pain to make money, stay away from them.


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## amateur (Jan 15, 2019)

_Simon_ said:


> I don't dislike you at all. I don't find you 'unlikeable'. I've actually found some topics you've brought up quite interesting.



I've been told such stuff on forums I was finally banned from. Even if some members find my posts interesting, this never prevented mods from banning me, as it will happen here.
Besides, those who claim they like me never met me in real life. In real life, every person that talked to me for over a few minutes in a row decided they want nothing to do with me. 
Last summer, I accidentally met an old classmate of mine whom I never had any relationship with while at school. He told me 'I saw you from far away and something inside me told me that this soul (he meant me) feels lost right now. Don't isolate yourself. Here is my phone number. Call me.'
I never called him. Because I knew that, if he gets to know me, he'll hate my guts. By the same logic, I should probably leave this forum myself too, since I know that you will ban me.


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## Gerry Seymour (Jan 15, 2019)

drop bear said:


> I swear at babies.


Well, they deserve it.


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## Gerry Seymour (Jan 15, 2019)

Bruce7 said:


> I am just old, I did not care for my son's language when he got out of the Coast Guard and it is true he said women in the Coast Guard spoke the same way,  that was hard to get my head around. It was 3 or 4 years before his language became better.
> But then again my wife's mother *never *cussed, until she was in her 80's and then she cussed a lot.


I had a great-grandmother whose favorite response to "I want..." was "Want in one hand and **** in the other, and see which one gets full first."


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## Gerry Seymour (Jan 15, 2019)

spidersam said:


> I don’t know you, and I’m not a therapist. But I believe you cannot force a smile. You have to be happy, and then smile. My thoughts, find what makes you happy. You can’t pretend to be happy around others if you yourself are not. If others have been cruel to you, it will be hard to open yourself up to others. Happiness is contagious. Do what you love and focus on yourself for a while. Don’t worry about some forum online. Go outside and be happy. Others who share what you enjoy will come to you if you let them. Look at all of us here, talking to you, because we all have a similar passion. Try to find something new you love and allow it to help you forget the troubles of your past. The past will never go away. We can only choose to let it go through the joy of the present. Try to enjoy today without worrying about tomorrow. I think you may want to ask yourself to have the courage to try and build a new relationship, to have the confidence of being vulnerable to another’s judgement. This life is cruel and beautiful. Life is short, it should be simple, and it should end with a smile.


There's some evidence (I'll see if I can find the study I'm thinking of) that consciously smiling actually changes how we perceive others, regardless of our own mood at the time. There's a large amount of anecdotal evidence (from people in the service industry) that consciously smiling improves others' perception of you.


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## Gerry Seymour (Jan 15, 2019)

amateur said:


> When I started using social media, I thought I could chill and chat somewhere online. I was a fool to believe that this is any different from real life. Since I'm not liked in real life, I should have known I wouldn't be liked online either. As I have said, I have been banned from many forums all of sudden, for pretty much no reason, after I had stayed there for a while, opened my heart and being shown sympathy from people. It's not hard to tell that the same thing will happen here. Someday, you will ban me with a 'no reason' message and never reply to my appeals. Since it happens for no reason, there is something about me which cannot be said with words but is plain obvious to everyone but me, because I don't have the elementary intelligence or social skills to see it.
> I have been told by my grandma and my uncle that I was born this way. One time, my father told me that I am a despicable being without an ounce of kindness in me. I don't remember what I had done, but I was only 10! If you're told by your parent such a thing when you're at the supposedly innocent age of childhood, imagine how resentful you are by strangers as an adult. My relatives have no reason to lie to me and their words are proven whenever I see the 'banned for no reason' message, which I will definitely see here as well in the future.
> When I stopped caring and started being rude, years ago, I guess I was still in anger, but now I am not. Now I just don't care, without being angry. I am in peace with the fact that I'll never be liked by anyone. You can ban me and get it over with.


You're working VERY hard to convince us that you're irredeemable. Why?


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## Gerry Seymour (Jan 15, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> I know we don't do anything of the sort, nor is there any Secret Forum Admin Forum where we tell tails of terrible posters.
> We're all too busy thinking of ways to spend our exorbitant salaries to bother.
> The closest thing to what you're describing is sites that track spammers.


Of course not. The only secret moderator forum is for moderators to complain about senior moderators.


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## amateur (Jan 15, 2019)

gpseymour said:


> You're working VERY hard to convince us that you're irredeemable. Why?



Umm... I don't remember. How did this thread start? Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's hopeless. I know I will get banned again. I don't have to go through this again: turning on my computer one lovely day, seeing the ban message, post 1000 appeals trying to figure out what happened and whether we can find a peaceful solution only to wait forever without getting a reply. All this process is just frustrating and disappointing. I don't have to relive it. So I will leave this forum before that happens. 
I have to man up and accept the undeniable truth that I cannot change the fact I will never have people around me in my life, to stop being bothered by it. I give up social media. I give up martial arts; they are fun but they no longer seem that important to me, after I came to terms with the fact I will be alone forever and ever. Goodbye.


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## Gerry Seymour (Jan 15, 2019)

amateur said:


> Umm... I don't remember. How did this thread start? Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's hopeless. I know I will get banned again. I don't have to go through this again: turning on my computer one lovely day, seeing the ban message, post 1000 appeals trying to figure out what happened and whether we can find a peaceful solution only to wait forever without getting a reply. All this process is just frustrating and disappointing. I don't have to relive it. So I will leave this forum before that happens.
> I have to man up and accept the undeniable truth that I cannot change the fact I will never have people around me in my life, to stop being bothered by it. I give up social media. I give up martial arts; they are fun but they no longer seem that important to me, after I came to terms with the fact I will be alone forever and ever. Goodbye.


And, again, you're working very hard to convince me of all of that. Why?


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## skribs (Jan 15, 2019)

amateur said:


> Degree for what? For telling you the same stuff as everybody else? ('It is up to you to find the willpower etc'). You can arguably blame me for not having followed their advice, but it is the same advice that an untrained person would give you. Why did I visit that guy for years and gave him thousands of euros? Therapists are frauds, they exploit human pain to make money, stay away from them.



Are you so desperate to prove that you're unlikable that you're purposefully insulting multiple members in this thread by calling therapists frauds?


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## Kung Fu Wang (Jan 15, 2019)

gpseymour said:


> And, again, you're working very hard to convince me of all of that. Why?


Crow weep to the dark.
Tide bellow in the northern wind.
How lonesome the world.


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## Dirty Dog (Jan 15, 2019)

gpseymour said:


> Of course not. The only secret moderator forum is for moderators to complain about senior moderators.



I'm guessing it's a really really busy forum. Like 500 posts per day.


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## _Simon_ (Jan 15, 2019)

amateur said:


> Last summer, I accidentally met an old classmate of mine whom I never had any relationship with while at school. He told me 'I saw you from far away and something inside me told me that this soul (he meant me) feels lost right now. Don't isolate yourself. Here is my phone number. Call me.'
> I never called him. Because I knew that, if he gets to know me, he'll hate my guts. By the same logic, I should probably leave this forum myself too, since I know that you will ban me.



See how the opportunity for healing came up and you pushed it away? You made that choice. Your belief created that reality for you. The opportunity will keep coming up eternally until you finally say yes to it. If it's significant enough, it will (as it has).

It's like you're crying out for help... but every chance for help that comes you push away. I know that all too well because I did that for too long. There were so many around me that were there to help, yet every time I reached out and they responded, I pulled away. The pain had to get to an unbearable level for me to finally drop my defenses and think that there must be another way...

It's like there's all this support around you, the universe is literally telling you "It's okay, you don't have to do this anymore. You're not the person you take yourself to be. It's safe to open up to this." And you keep responding with "Ah! Yes that's what someone told me in the past! It's okay I'm gonna push you away because it's just always gonna be this way."

You are literally recreating your experience. Over and over. Can you see that?

And you're stuck in trying to convince us that your world is real. It's not.


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## Monkey Turned Wolf (Jan 15, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> I'm guessing it's a really really busy forum. Like 500 posts per day.


That's about right. But to be fair, 495 of those posts are from Gerry. And 490 of those arent even related to the purpose of complaining about senior mods. He has to keep his post count up somehow!


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## Gerry Seymour (Jan 16, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> I'm guessing it's a really really busy forum. Like 500 posts per day.


How do you think I keep my post count up, while still finding time to spend my exhorbitant moderator salary?


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## donald1 (Jan 16, 2019)

What kind of theories could you possibly have said to be called a Nazi? I mean... I say stupid stuff every day and yet usually I just get the look of disaproval. That and occasionally someone questioning my level of sanity or intellect. Never been called any names though. Actually no. I've been called a lot of names actually, but not Nazi. 

Also I'm not sure what point the old lady was trying to get at. I mean "people are born not made" wow... Them some wise words to live by. Truly inspirational. Anyway don't listen to her. If you wanna be nice go for it! Either way I won't judge.
Good luck to ya!


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## skribs (Jan 16, 2019)

_Simon_ said:


> See how the opportunity for healing came up and you pushed it away? You made that choice. Your belief created that reality for you. The opportunity will keep coming up eternally until you finally say yes to it. If it's significant enough, it will (as it has).
> 
> It's like you're crying out for help... but every chance for help that comes you push away. I know that all too well because I did that for too long. There were so many around me that were there to help, yet every time I reached out and they responded, I pulled away. The pain had to get to an unbearable level for me to finally drop my defenses and think that there must be another way...
> 
> ...



It's like the story of a man who's in a town that's going to flood.  The man prays "God, please save me from the flood."
The rains come, and the water is just starting to rise above the ground when a truck rolls by.  "Hop in," the driver says.  "I've got plenty of room."
"No thanks," the man said.  "I prayed, and God will save me."
The water rises, and the man has to go to the second floor to stay dry.  He hears a motor outside so he goes to the balcony and sees a speedboat coming towards him.  "Hop on in," the driver of the boat says.
"No thanks," the man says again.  "I prayed, and God will save me."
A while later, the water has risen even more, and the man is forced onto his roof.  A helicopter is flying by and sees him.  The pilot yells "I'll drop down a ladder so you can climb aboard."
"No thanks!" the man yells.  "I prayed, and God will save me."
Well, the man drowns, dies, and goes to heaven.  So he asks God, "why didn't you save me?"
And God says "well I sent a truck, a boat, and a helicopter, what more did you want me to do?"

Whether or not you believe in God, you can see the point I'm making by bringing this story up.  If help is there, you should take it when you have the chance.  Because that chance might not come around again.


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## Gnarlie (Jan 16, 2019)

Amateur, what country are you in? 

Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk


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## Kung Fu Wang (Jan 16, 2019)

amateur said:


> Because I knew that, if he gets to know me, he'll hate my guts.


Try to

- send out positive energy around you.
- think about what you have instead of what you don't have.
- lower your expectation from others.
- live for yourself instead of live for others.

For example, if you keep talking about old, sick, weak, people will stay away from you. If you always talk about young, healthy, strong, people will love to be near you.


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## _Simon_ (Jan 17, 2019)

skribs said:


> It's like the story of a man who's in a town that's going to flood.  The man prays "God, please save me from the flood."
> The rains come, and the water is just starting to rise above the ground when a truck rolls by.  "Hop in," the driver says.  "I've got plenty of room."
> "No thanks," the man said.  "I prayed, and God will save me."
> The water rises, and the man has to go to the second floor to stay dry.  He hears a motor outside so he goes to the balcony and sees a speedboat coming towards him.  "Hop on in," the driver of the boat says.
> ...


Ahhh yep I love that story


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