# I Have No Idea Where to Post This



## Sukerkin (Feb 20, 2013)

Forgive me for placing this here in the Study but I truly have no clue as to where would be more suitable.  I did ponder The Hall of Remembrance but she was not a martial artist so I did not think it the right place.  However, I just wanted to say something on the site to explain to those who recognise me here, but that have not been party to what has been going on in my life for the past three months, why it is that I have dropped off the radar in the past week.

Many know that that last November I got married to my darling soul-mate that I have known for sixteen years and been together with for eight.  What most may not know, who are not on Staff or have not picked up on the odd reference here and there, is that, in the week or so before we wed, my wife-to-be was admitted to hospital with an illness that was soon diagnosed as cancer.

For three months and more we fought with the calm courage of Buddha and the ferocity of tigers.  We promised each other that we would not give up and that, no matter what, we would be at each others side all the way.

And so we were and she faltered not one iota during the fight, no matter what the terror or the pain.

We had a burst of hope in mid-January that we had victory, for the initial cancer site had been returned to normal.  But my most beloved wife became sicker and sicker and a fortnight ago was readmitted with the onset of severe respiratory distress.  Part of that was that the treatment had induced diabetes because of the steroids used to counteract inflammation.  But the soul destroying news was that, whilst being treated, the cancer had metastasised.  In the space of a week we had to adjust from the certainty of at least five years of good health together to the dire prognosis (last Wednesday) of a handful of days, as it was revealed that the cancer had spread to her lungs, heart, liver and bones.

In the early hours of Saturday {16th February}, my Michelle passed away in my arms and my life ceased to have any meaning.  I have no idea how I am going to carry on without her.

So, I just ask that those of you who are in relationships take a moment each day to treasure what you have.  If your love is true, forgive those who you love any small transgressions that engender annoyance and temporise any harsh words or deeds, for you do not know how long you have.  

Michelle and I had eight years of effortless domestic bliss together and I am still smashed to the ground with regrets for what we had not yet done.  

Imagine how it would be if there was guilt for unforgiven transgressions of deed or word or forgiveness not extended to the other for the same.  So tell those that you love that you *do* love them and let them know that you love them regardless of any foibles or weaknesses they have.  Most particularly ensure that you thank them for loving you despite any such failings that you may have yourself.

Sentience, tool use and language set us apart from most of the animal kingdom but it is love, especially unconditional love, that marks us as truly human.


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## SahBumNimRush (Feb 20, 2013)

I am very sorry for your loss.


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## arnisador (Feb 20, 2013)

This is a sad event but it's wonderful that you're taking the time to encourage others to appreciate what they have. Thank you.


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## ballen0351 (Feb 20, 2013)

My friend no words can be spoken to make your pain go away.  Just know you both are on my thoughts tonight.


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## billc (Feb 20, 2013)

I am sorry Sukerkin.  It is hard to know what to say, just I am sorry for your loss.


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## Carol (Feb 20, 2013)

Your dedication to Michelle when she needed it most is something words cannot express. 

You are an inspiration, Suk....but I am so sorry for the shattering results.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2


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## ballen0351 (Feb 20, 2013)

I will say I'm taking your words to heart.  I've been fight with my wife all day over something that seems really stupid now.  I'm on my way home now to tell her to love her and to end the nonsense.


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## K-man (Feb 20, 2013)

*Suker*, so sorry to hear of your loss.


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## Dirty Dog (Feb 20, 2013)

Suk, I'm not normally an outwardly emotional man - goes with the territory for ER - but I've shed a few tears for you over the last few months. Your eloquence, your personal strength, and the strength of the love you've shown Michelle are inspiring.


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## celtic_crippler (Feb 20, 2013)

.


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## Sukerkin (Feb 20, 2013)

Thank you, my dear friends.  

*Carol* and *DD*, love is a monumentally powerful force.  It can strengthen you to endure far more than you think is possible and embolden you to face that which you otherwise could not face.  With Michelle at my side I felt that could tackle anything; no problem or difficulty was insurmountable as long as she was with me.

The universe can be cruel, however, and there are limits on what love can achieve in some ways, even tho' I wish utterly that that was not so.  

Nonetheless the strength of it is remarkable indeed.  Fighting aside all that the cancer was doing to her, the last voluntary movement my beautiful Michelle made was to reach out her hand and place it over my heart and, taking three racking breaths to say it, the last words she spoke were "I ... love ... you".  My tears flow afresh to speak of it and the pain that I feel I would inflict on noone for it does not seem possible to hurt so much and yet live on.  No man has ever been so honoured to have such a good soul spend her last energies so.


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## jezr74 (Feb 20, 2013)

It took courage to write openly as you did during such a time. Thank you, and I'm sorry for loss.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk HD


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## aedrasteia (Feb 20, 2013)

dear dear Mark

yes, thats the way of it. 
when we join lives we know what will come someday and still we open our hearts,
knowing even so.  amazing and terrible.

what a gift and comfort to her you've been; a joy to you she was, and remains.
and by opening your heart to us, we are blessed and reminded,
made wiser by your generosity.

ring the bells that still can ring
forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in.

deep bow to you both,


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## Xue Sheng (Feb 20, 2013)

I sit here with my jaw dropped and find myself at a complete loss and I have no idea what to say... I only know there is nothing I could say to make this easier... and I truly wish there was a way I could.. I am so very sorry for your loss


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## granfire (Feb 20, 2013)

I was afraid to see what I would see when I opened the thread.

You and your beloved have been in my thoughts.
And you will continue to be there.
Words can't express my sorrow.

It is alright to rest now for a moment. To lick your wounds.
Then, when the time is right you will find the strength to go on.
One step, one breath, one day at a time. 

She might not have been a martial artist, but Michelle sounds like a fighter to me, a woman with the warrior spirit.

many hugs to you, my friend.


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## shesulsa (Feb 20, 2013)

> Do not stand at my grave and weep,
> I am not there, I do not sleep.
> I am in a thousand winds that blow,
> I am the softly falling snow.
> ...



I've experienced my share of loss, Mark. There is only time, the kindness of friends, the love of family and ultimately, your solitude and I know that this pain will ease eventually.  You are a strong man - courageous - and ultimately things will get better.

Someone like you should not have had to have gone through such a horrible loss, most especially just after having wed and begun the big journey with each other.  You are not alone, however, and I'd like to echo another's sentiment that you seek out these others when it's time. You'll know it's time because it will be the very LAST thing you think you need.

All respects for being so open about this experience, Mark. 

Cancer sucks.

*bow*


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## oftheherd1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Pretty much everything has already been said.  I can only offer my personal condolences.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I know you are strong.  Please stay that way.  Your wife would want you to be.  I'm sure it gave her comfort to believe that was true.

I am sure you have family and friends outside of MT for comfort.  Know you also have strong and faithful friends here as well.  Many know you better than I ever will, but if you want to discuss it with just me, or anyone here, you know we will all be here for you.

God Bless you in this sad time, and bolster the strength that is such a big part of you.


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## seasoned (Feb 20, 2013)

Thinking of you at this moment my friend, so sorry for your loss.


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## Kurai (Feb 21, 2013)

May you find peace.  Thank you for sharing, you will be in my thoughts and have my condolences.


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## Tez3 (Feb 21, 2013)

One word is too much, a thousand not enough. I am so very sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers and my phone is always on.


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## Makalakumu (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your loss Mark. Your pain is has tears burst empathy tears. Please take care of yourself, Mark. There is lots of love in the world yet. Aloha oi...


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## Instructor (Feb 21, 2013)

_"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it. White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."_

J.R.R. Tolkien


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## granfire (Feb 21, 2013)

Because I can't send you a real one


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## Makalakumu (Feb 21, 2013)

Makalakumu said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss Mark. Your pain is has tears burst empathy tears. Please take care of yourself, Mark. There is lots of love in the world yet. Aloha oi...



You caught me at 4 am, bleary eyed, ready to wake up with some yoga, and work out.  Apparently, my language centers were switched off.  Here is what I meant to say.  Thank you for sharing your pain, Mark.  I cried for you when I read your post.  Please take care of yourself.  From the other side of the world, hopefully I can give some comfort.








> *&#8220;Aloha `Oe&#8221; Lyrics &#8211; Written by: Queen Liliuokalani*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Until we meet again.  You have my condolences.  Aloha oe...


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## Tames D (Feb 21, 2013)

I gave my wife and kids a big hug tonight in Michelle's honor. Mark, thank you for putting things in perspective for me. I wish there was something I could do for you, but I know you are a warrior and there is nothing I can offer you that you don't already have. God bless you man.


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## granfire (Feb 23, 2013)

A sunrise.

May the new day find you well


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## Brian R. VanCise (Feb 23, 2013)

My prayers and thoughts are with you Mark.  Hang in there my friend!


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## Sukerkin (Feb 26, 2013)

The company she worked for has put this up on their Facebook page.  A nice thing for them to do and pleasing to me to read some of the comments that people have left about my perfect jewel:

https://www.facebook.com/PandaPress


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## granfire (Feb 26, 2013)

That was a very lovely tribute!

And I love the picture they selected.


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## Tgace (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry for your loss Suk.


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## Sukerkin (Feb 26, 2013)

granfire said:


> That was a very lovely tribute!
> 
> And I love the picture they selected.



It's my favourite from our wedding shots.  I'm not sure where they picked it up from but it'll be from me somewhere around the web.


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## granfire (Feb 26, 2013)

One more for you


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## MJS (Feb 28, 2013)

So sorry to hear this.  Thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## granfire (Feb 28, 2013)

Thinking especially hard about you today.


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## Sukerkin (Feb 28, 2013)

Thank you, my friends.

Today, under a blue sky and clear sunlight, my _kuma kurei_ returned to the earth.  She was attended by a panoply of family, friends, colleagues and clients and rests in a casket of green willow (my birth tree), wearing silver for purity and feminine strength, amber for eternity, amethyst for peace and turquoise for truth.

She bears my love away with her and is buoyed also with the love of all whose lives she has touched and bettered by their having met her.


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## Sukerkin (Mar 19, 2013)

Following on the heels of a determined couple of days of trying to hold it all in and rebuild my 'face' for the world, I find, tonight, that my heart is breaking even more painfully than before.  

I know that I have to expect these collapses back into the vitriol laced arms of grief but it is so hard to bear a loss like this - after four months of fighting every day to save my beloved, followed by a month of emotional desolation like I have never felt before, I am not sure I have the strength left in me.

People do, mostly, find that spark still within them to live - so I must look for it amongst the ashes inside and see if, beyond hope, mine is still there.


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## shesulsa (Mar 19, 2013)

You will recover, my friend.


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## Sukerkin (Mar 19, 2013)

Aye, or so I hope, dear G.

In part this breaking of the floodgates has been building for a quite a few days now;  I have been trying to hold things in and get myself 'fit' to face the world again.  So the well-head has been filling.

In larger part it is because I, somewhat foolishly, listened to a song that had very powerful associations for us.  Or more specifically, it was the song that, for Michelle, said for her what she felt for me.


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## granfire (Mar 19, 2013)

Wish I could be there to lend you a shoulder.


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## arnisador (Mar 19, 2013)

Two steps forward, one step back is the best to hope for here.


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## jezr74 (Mar 19, 2013)

Hang in there mate.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk HD


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## aedrasteia (Mar 19, 2013)

Sukerkin said:


> Following on the heels of a determined couple of days of trying to hold it all in and rebuild my 'face' for the world, I find, tonight, that my heart is breaking even more painfully than before.
> 
> I know that I have to expect these collapses back into the vitriol laced arms of grief but it is so hard to bear a loss like this - after four months of fighting every day to save my beloved, followed by a month of emotional desolation like I have never felt before, I am not sure I have the strength left in me.
> 
> People do, mostly, find that spark still within them to live - so I must look for it amongst the ashes inside and see if, beyond hope, mine is still there.



Mark - know that others here have been there. Some of us, more than once. 
if that knowing can bring comfort, then be comforted.
as best you can, ride the swells of grief like a great ship at sea.

there is no need, truly no need, to hold it in. your face
here in the world is fine as it is. 

you have been thru many months of the emotions and events
that define the shape of human life. It is exhausting and hurts so much.

at these times, if you can, keep those close to you who have no fear of
this grief nor need to stop your tears for their own comfort.

if we could be near you beyond these words, so many of us would be.


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## Sukerkin (Apr 4, 2013)

I am usually averse to being one who pounds the drum for sponsorships, usually preferring to let people find out about things 'naturally' via the grapevine and other social interactions.  But in this case I think it is highly unlikely that the membership of MT would know about this unless I baldly state it, so please forgive me and spare my blushes.

My sister and my nephew, along with a couple of family friends are taking part in a sponsored run in support of the MacMillan hospice where my wife spent her last day.  

The nurses and other staff there were wonderful in my time of direst need and took the best care they could of Michelle to ease her pain and distress.  Not only that but they had the compassion and heart to help me as well as I started to come apart emotionally towards the end.  

When it was clear the fight was lost and no amount of will or courage or effort on my part was going to save her, I started to unravel; all my strength had been spent over the previous months of caring for her and trying with everything at my disposal to beat back this ravening beast of a disease that was consuming her.  They tended to me and comforted me and got me 'back on my feet' with my hopeless despair contained so that I be with her and hold and speak to her as the hour approached when the love I had waited forty years to find had to leave me.

I don't even know if it is possible for those outside of Britain to sponsor such a thing and if it is not then perhaps my friends here can add messages of encouragement to this thread and I shall link to it on my personal Facebook page so that my sister and nephew can know that it was not only in her own country that my radiant wife's splendid example of how to be a human being was known.

For my Michelle, a person in whom there was no Darkness.

http://www.justgiving.com/Matt-Lovatt


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## granfire (Apr 4, 2013)

Just giving should work just fine for 'out of towners'

I have donated to anther British charity with no problems.
It's the magic of plastic. It's fantastic! 

Thank you for letting us know!


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## DennisBreene (Apr 5, 2013)

Mark, Thank you for the opportunity to help.  The site works quite nicely regardless of the donors location or currency. It took about 3 min.  The people who work in hospice are truly saints.  Your experience is repeated thousands of times daily throughout the world and I shudder to think of how devastating such grief would be without the assistance of hospice care.  My brother in law spent his last hours in hospice after a year long fight with colon cancer.  The kindness and foresight of these wonderful people held the family together when there seemed to be no way to face the impossible.


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## Sukerkin (Apr 5, 2013)

So, so true Dennis.  I do not know how the hospice staff can bear the harrowing emotional pain of what they do, after all they have to have true empathy to do the job in the first place.  From those that I met, I know their emotions are strong and genuine, for the tears they shed as they held me and cried with me that night were as heartfelt as my own.


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## Sukerkin (Apr 7, 2013)

The run was today and I am happy to report that everyone made it to the end without incident, tho' apparently my nephew had to wait for his mum to catch up on more than one occasion .

I am immensely touched by the words spoken and the contributions people have made, most particularly by those from my friends here at MT.  For you know me only via the link that the Web allows us and you knew my beloved Michelle only second-hand through me and yet your compassion was not bounded by that.  

I know that I normally have some small facility with the written word and can usually craft a passage to say exactly what I mean if I ponder it for long enough but in this case words are insufficient medium for the task of carrying the thanks I have in my heart to you.  Perhaps the best way to convey the depth of my feeling is to reveal that I was moved to tears (gentle ones of fellowship rather than painful ones of grief) by the affection and concern shown for me and for my wife.


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## DennisBreene (Apr 7, 2013)

In our little world of electrons, friendships form in strange and wondrous ways. But I have found them to me no less deep.  Mark, you are a remarkable man and the affection that this community has for you is genuine and deserved. It was truly a pleasure to have the opportunity to demonstrate more tangible support for you as you heal.  I am pleased that the fund raiser was so successful.


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## Sukerkin (Apr 7, 2013)

Here's a snippet from a message my young nephew sent to me that I hope shows well that it is not just I that is suffering the pain of my wife's loss and having to face the realisation we'll never be in her presence again:

" Hey Mark, ... it's a pleasure to do something worthwhile in her memory and something that will go towards a great cause, so it's the least we could do for such a great woman. We decided to do this as a tribute to her because she was a kind and loving person and was part of all our lives (and still is). It is also something that is deserved, as like you said, we lost her too soon. The money raised is a bonus and everyone who has helped contribute has done an amazing job to help towards those that helped her but of course the main point of all of this is to cherish and remember the life of Michelle and to show our gratitude."


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## Sukerkin (Apr 7, 2013)

Altho' the tally is not closed yet, my sister tells me that they were sponsored to the tune of around {back-of-envelope exchange-rate calculation} $850 from various sources.  Wonderful :bows to all:.


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