# Visiting the Graveside



## Lisa (Dec 5, 2007)

First off, let me apologize if this is coming off as a bit of a rant, I really am curious about others thoughts on this. 

Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love?  What significance does it hold for you?  Is it a religious thing for you? or does it make you feel closer to that person?

I have had loved ones pass away and never have I felt the need nor had the desire to visit their grave/memorial sites.  Earlier this year I lost my dad and my mom has been harping on me and asking if I go visit him.  She feels it important that on special occasions like Christmas, his birthday, etc., that I should be more "respectful" of his memory and go and see him.

Now, not to sound harsh or anything but I really don't understand the significance in doing that.  I really don't want to visit the stone wall that his urn was placed in, stare at it or talk to it.  To me, that is not "visiting" him.  How does that prove someone's respect for someone else?

What drives a person to go and talk to the dead?

My view is, is that when I want to "talk" to them, I can do it anywhere I want to and it doesn't have to necessarily have to be at their grave side.  Mostly I just quietly reflect upon memories of them that bring a smile to my face.  At times I share those with my family and we all have a good chuckle.  To me that is more important then hauling my butt out the door and staring at a bronze plate with his name on it and the date of his birth and death (all of which I am quite capable in remembering without having to go there and be reminded of it)

Am I being callous?  Am I missing something?


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## Bob Hubbard (Dec 5, 2007)

I've rarely felt the urge to visit graves. I figure, the spirit doesn't linger there, if it is anywhere, it would be in familiar surroundings.  Some folks though, I think it gives them comfort and a sense of being if you will.  If it makes her feel better talking to a stone wall under the delusion that her husband, now freed of his earthly limitations, is going to sit on his *** under a tree for all time, then bully for her.  Me...I'd be out haunting the all girls school down the road. LOL

Seriously though, if it gives her comfort thats good, but it's unfair for her to expect you to find comfort the same way.  We all grieve and accept differently.

It's a throw back to ancient days when we would seek a conduit to the afterlife, a way to pierce the veil between worlds and all that.

Its like the idea that one must goto church to talk to God....God isn't there....She's everywhere, enjoying that which was created. How stupid and vain is it to think that the almighty sits in a smoke filled room waiting for us to appear so that we can give lip service and play read a long once a week from 9-11?

Me, I talk to the stars.


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## exile (Dec 5, 2007)

My sister, a wonderful, radiant being, was killed in a car accident when she was 24 years old, and I've thought about her every day since. She lives in _me_ and everyone else who knew her. Her grave has no significance to her, or to anyone else, certainly not me. I think a lot of us feel the same way about people we've loved and lost. But in a way, it's not surprising that there are so many more who feel more the way your mother does.

At some level, we really cannot accept the finality of death. I think that's programmed into us. We still think that there is some association between the resting place of someone's mortal remains, on the one hand, and an intangible relic of them that still survives and, for some people, preserves their identity, the being they had as a living creature. For a lot of people, it's the only way they can deal with the removal of that person from the world. And your mother, Lisa, probably is looking for evidence of the same belief in you, because if you feel the same way, then it increases the chances of her being right that there's some trace of your father still on earth, that she can connect with. I don't know her, of course, but I've encountered something very similar in people I do know, and I think what her nagging you is all about, in the end, is getting confirmation from you that she's right in seeking him, somewhere.


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## JadecloudAlchemist (Dec 5, 2007)

> Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love? What significance does it hold for you? Is it a religious thing for you? or does it make you feel closer to that person?


Graves are a marker a symbolic means of where they lay.
              I have seen Grave sites to mark where that person died in an accident depending on one's belief a spirit can still be trapped there due to a tragic event. The word Hakajishi in Japanese means one who talks to the dead in some religion and shaman beliefs can a person talk with the dead and have the dead talk to them. My father in law in Japan is dead(Alive depends how you look at it.) We would visit his grave and wash it and leave a drink for him and light incense. I would make daily offerings to his shrine out of respect. The dead are an important part of are lives as we are part of theirs. Touchy subject for some I think.


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## grydth (Dec 5, 2007)

My father, a World War II Marine fighter pilot, is buried in the local veterans' cemetery. He and my mother had one of those genuine 50 year marriages that so amaze our generation. Every Veterans Day my mother asks me to take her there ... probably not too all different in nature and intent from what the families of his former enemies are doing over at Yakasuni, Japan.


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## MA-Caver (Dec 5, 2007)

I have occasionally (not often) gone to visit the grave sites of friends and relatives. I don't feel a NEED to do so but more of a want to do so. Because of personal theological beliefs I feel that they do hear me when I speak to them and that they know that I still think of them when I go visit where they lay. Sometimes I'll bring my past friends with me whenever I sign a register in a cave and sign their names alongside mine. 
Like Bob said it's a throwback to ancient times where we need or feel the need to keep a conduit open to those that have meant a lot to us, be it family or friends. Since I believe that we go on after THIS life and to another because I believe in the human soul/spirit and that it is immortal, then at least I can take comfort that those past are not truly gone forever but live on... in my memory and in the way I honor them by visiting them or bringing them with me where-ever I go. It provides comfort for me if more than anything else. I need it. 
Others may not, and that's okay... for them. If they wish to think that we are all but "shadows and dust" then I've no right to take that away from them. 
But for my own inner-sense of peace and my own way of grieving/dealing with the loss of family and close friends it works.


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## karate-dragon (Dec 5, 2007)

My dad passed away 2 years ago and wanted to be cremated. My mom does as well. First of all, we are Jewish and that is against Jewish law. However, I agree with his wishes that the body is not important after one dies, it is meant to go back to the earth. The soul is not destroyed ever and it does not matter really what we do with earthly remains. We spread my dad's ashes in the ocean, which he always loved. I talk to my dad all the time and still miss him. My mom walks every week to the tree marker where we put my dad's ashes into the ocean; it makes her feel better. We go there 1st thing when we visit. Whatever makes you feel better is what you should do. After all, that's what it's about. How do we continue and accept? What ever works for you, is OK.


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## Tames D (Dec 5, 2007)

I gotta agree with you Lisa. I use to feel it's important to visit gravesites of loved ones. But I don't really feel that way anymore. I found that after one or two visits I didn't have the need. Although I do feel a little guilty driving by my Dad's cemetary and not stopping in.


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## Tyler1 (Dec 5, 2007)

We always take our Grandpa, to visit his wife's (Grandma) grave site, I think it shows him respect/remembrance(?) for his loved (our) one, and lets him feel that we'll be there to remember him at holidays when he passes.




Lisa said:


> First off, let me apologize if this is coming off as a bit of a rant, I really am curious about others thoughts on this.
> 
> Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love? What significance does it hold for you? Is it a religious thing for you? or does it make you feel closer to that person?
> 
> ...


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## Kacey (Dec 5, 2007)

For some people, being the presence of the physical remains brings them closer to the person they loved and lost; for others, the physical presence of the remains is less important, or not important at all.  Some people are more concrete than others - but visits to grave sites, like funerals, are for the living, not the dead.  I have never visited the grave site of a family member or other dead loved one, but I will qualify that by pointing out that the only one I could visit (my mother's mother) is buried in Tennessee, a long journey from Colorado; the other two grandparents donated their bodies to medical schools, and there is no grave, or memorial marker of any type, to visit.

If you don't feel the need to visit your father's physical remains to remember him, I don't see a problem with it - but your mother apparently does, and it is her sensibilities that are coming out here; she sees it as more respectful to visit the physical grave, and is, possibly, looking for company as she visits, for moral/emotional support, and to support her own belief that she is being faithful.  If you go, you will be going to support _her_ - and if you want to do that, great!  But if not, I see no need to visit a grave to remember a loved one - I had the fortune to inherit family photos from grandparents on both sides of the family, and that's what I look at when I want to remember them.


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## Rich Parsons (Dec 5, 2007)

Lisa said:


> First off, let me apologize if this is coming off as a bit of a rant, I really am curious about others thoughts on this.
> 
> Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love? What significance does it hold for you? Is it a religious thing for you? or does it make you feel closer to that person?
> 
> ...




Lisa,

I agree one can "talk" or pay respect to the dead form anywhere. 

Although I know that some want to see the Family all together and this is a  way for them to get together. It is also a way for someone to believe that the memory of the person is still alive as they can see you there. 

I used to visit my Mom's grave all the time. Not to visit. Not to talk. But to plant flowers and to pick the old flowers off so new would grow and keep it real nice. I did this for my Brother and Dad, and even my Uncle for when they visited, they would see and feel good that someone else still cared. I do, but it was just as much for the living as it was for the dead. 

Best wishes


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## Jade Tigress (Dec 6, 2007)

You're not being callous Lisa. Everyone deals with the loss of a loved one differently and shouldn't expect others to deal with it the same way they do.

I've lost several members of my extended family. I have never gone to visit their gravesites. However, my dad is different. He was an indigent when he died. I was 23 or 24 at the time. I don't what the hospital does with indigent patients who die. My father either lies in a potters grave, or was cremated by the hospital, and if he was cremated, what do they do with the remains? I have searched and searched online looking for information on what happens in those situations, but I haven't been able to find anything. 

Why is it important to me to know? I don't know. But even though I know where my other family members are buried, and I never visit their gravesites, I feel if I knew where my father was, I'd go visit him. Maybe just to see, maybe for the perceived closeness, I don't know. 

The point is, we all deal with things differently, and to expect others to do as we do is not respectful. Don't let your mom get to you Lisa. Continue talking to your dad and remembering him in the ways that bring comfort to YOU. *hugs*


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## shesulsa (Dec 6, 2007)

I don't have any family gravesites to visit - any graves for grandparents, uncles, cousins, etcetera are all in Nashville and I on the west coast.  I guess my father has a marker there, though he didn't want one.  I suppose I'll have to figure out a marker for my mother.  

But my father was cremated and scattered at sea as will be my mother and as I wish to be.  I can go anywhere in the world and 'visit' my father's "gravesite" and I wouldn't have it any other way.  But if he had a marker here, I would tend it and I'd probably take my mother for her sake just as I'd go with a friend to their parent's or friend's, etc.

I personally think the "going to the gravesite" thing is more about ceremony than anything else, but it's what some people require and to me that's fine.

Lisa, do what you think is right and what you think you need to do.  You're not calloused, just a bit more in tune with the radiance of the spirit.


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## Andrew Green (Dec 6, 2007)

I always figured there was a couple of things.  The first is that going to visit a grave takes effort, so some people feel guilty if they don't put any effort into remembering the dead.  Yes, if a spirit survived after death the graveyard would probably not be the favorite hang out spot to kick back and have a berr for them, but going there is a deliberate action requiring some effort and time commitment for no other purpose then to pay respects.

There might also be some tradition going back quite a ways, to when gravestones where placed to make sure the dead stayed burried and didn't dig themselves out as undead.  With that sort of belief of the afterlife the graveyard might have been the place the spirit would be easiest to communicate with.

Or it could at this point be a media related issue.  Visiting the grave is a common thing in movies and TV, gives a visual to the intent.  Because everyone in the movies does it, real people think it is what they should do.  Besides, there is something kind of "romantic" to the ideal of someone visiting a loved ones grave ritualistically and leaving flowers or there favorite cookies or something like that.  Takes dedication.

But really I think it just comes down to not wanting to forget, and feeling that if you don't do something, something that means going out of your normal routine, the person will be forgotten.  Could be visiting a grave, lighting a candle, or any other ritual.


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## thardey (Dec 6, 2007)

In the most basic sense, I don't feel a need to visit gravesites, but, my wife, Father, Mother, and Sister are all alive, and they would be the one who I would visit. So I don't really know.

Visiting graveyards, or memorial sites in general, though, is something that I think everybody should do once in a while. Especially war memorials, or memorials to people who died serving others. But even if it is just the ocean, stop to think for a moment about all the memories stored in there, the abyss. Something about facing the unknown, and remembering those who have gone on before, puts our lives back in perspective.

A warrior's mind is always on death, and the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning.


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## Bigshadow (Dec 6, 2007)

I don't visit grave sites.  I don't believe they are there any longer.   I have grandparents that have died.  I don't need to visit their grave sites.  I believe they visit me from time to time.  It those times that I suddenly think of them out of the blue, feel their presence, smell the familiar childhood smells associated with them, have fond memories of a quiet moment we have shared, etc.  It is those times all those memories come flooding back.  This is when they visit.  I don't need to go to their grave, they were never there.

Just my personal beliefs.  

Don't feel bad Lisa, but do try to be understanding of your mom.


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## Andrew Green (Dec 6, 2007)

Bigshadow said:


> Don't feel bad Lisa, but do try to be understanding of your mom.



You don't want to open that can of worms


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## Bigshadow (Dec 6, 2007)

Andrew Green said:


> You don't want to open that can of worms



LOL I didn't mean it the way it read (after reading again).   It was meant in a much lighter tone.


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## Lisa (Dec 6, 2007)

Bigshadow said:


> Don't feel bad Lisa, but do try to be understanding of your mom.





Andrew Green said:


> You don't want to open that can of worms





Bigshadow said:


> LOL I didn't mean it the way it read (after reading again).   It was meant in a much lighter tone.



Where is that hands over my face smilie....


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## morph4me (Dec 6, 2007)

Lisa said:


> First off, let me apologize if this is coming off as a bit of a rant, I really am curious about others thoughts on this.
> 
> Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love? What significance does it hold for you? Is it a religious thing for you? or does it make you feel closer to that person?
> 
> ...


 
I agree with you. Lisa. I don't visit gravesites unless I'm at the cemetary for another funeral. I also don't get anything from being in temple, but there are people who do, I don't understand it and nobody has been able to explain it. I've come to the conclusion that whatever some people get from visiting gravesides or going to services, whatever need that fulfills, I'm getting from something else in my life.

I don't think that you're being callous at all, I think we all have to do what makes sense for us. It makes sense to your mother to visit your dad, that doesn't mean it will make sense to you, but it makes her feel better, and there's nothing wrong with that. :asian:


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## Steel Tiger (Dec 6, 2007)

Lisa said:


> First off, let me apologize if this is coming off as a bit of a rant, I really am curious about others thoughts on this.
> 
> Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love? What significance does it hold for you? Is it a religious thing for you? or does it make you feel closer to that person?
> 
> ...


 
I feel the same as you do Lisa.  I don't visit gravesites and I do not go to the casket viewings that my family (mother's side) insists on having.  Catholicism has a belief that the dead will be taken bodily into heaven so the body remains important, but to me the body is no longer the person I knew, its just a body.  I know that sounds pretty harsh.

Remembering our loved ones and what they brought into our lives is more important than any burial symbol could ever be.  



I think that the visiting of gravesites is indicative of an innate desire for spirituality that is in all humans.  In pre-Christian times in Europe the spiritual connection was seen in water, a place where this world and the other met.  I can see how a cemetery would gain the same strong symbolism.  It is a place where the dead are buried, therefore it must be an easy access to those have departed.  So I can understand why people go to cemeteries to connect with their loved ones, it just doesn't hold that symbolic connection for me.


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## Andrew Green (Dec 6, 2007)

Bigshadow said:


> LOL I didn't mean it the way it read (after reading again).   It was meant in a much lighter tone.





I've met the mentioned mother, best be understanding of Lisa's occasional inability to be fully understanding


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## Bigshadow (Dec 6, 2007)

Andrew Green said:


> I've met the mentioned mother, best be understanding of Lisa's occasional inability to be fully understanding



I will take your word for it! :asian:


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## KempoGuy06 (Dec 12, 2007)

Lisa said:


> First off, let me apologize if this is coming off as a bit of a rant, I really am curious about others thoughts on this.
> 
> Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love?  What significance does it hold for you?  Is it a religious thing for you? or does it make you feel closer to that person?
> 
> ...


I dont visit the graves one because its hard for me and two to be completely honest it wiggs me out. My mother got on me to be more respectful and visit the grave. Instead I got a tatoo. what better way to show respect than to have their name inked into my skin? it is my idea of a tribute to them.

B


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## Live True (Dec 12, 2007)

Lisa said:


> Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love? [...]What drives a person to go and talk to the dead?[...]My view is, is that when I want to "talk" to them, I can do it anywhere I want to and it doesn't have to necessarily have to be at their grave side. [...]Am I being callous? Am I missing something?


 
I agree that you are not being callous; you just have a different way of expressing your memories and loss.  My mother's grave is two days drive from where I live, and it took me almost 18 years to finally see the gravestone I had ordered (I was 16 when she died).  For me, I had never stopped talking to her, but seeing the gravestone and planting some flowers gave me some closure in dealing with her sudden death (drunk driving accident).  That said, I don't feel a need to go back.  I carry my memories with me and honor my dead in my head and my heart.

This might be slightly off topic, but directly relates to your question of "what drives a person to go and talk to the dead?"

Have you heard of Mexico's Dia de los Muertos?  The link is to a page with lots of links about this holiday (the home site is pretty cool for anyone interested in the mythos of many countries).  As part of this festival, some towns will hold picnics in local cemetaries or set a seat at their evening dinner for departed loved ones.  My understanding is that this is a way to connect to ancestors, keep them involved in the growing/changing family events, and deal with death by laughing at it and making it a friend.  It's an interesting concept.  

As part of my October celebrations last year, we set a single spot at our table for our departed ones and put small portions of what we were eating on the plate.  We then took the food outside as a symbolic offering.  It was...an intriguing experience.  It made the presence of our loved ones feel more tangible (and yes, at times we felt mighty silly).  Still, it was something I'm glad I did.  Of course, I have a tendancy to be a bit odd turned, but I'm rarely bored!


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## IcemanSK (Dec 18, 2007)

I've wrestled with this question since my grandfather died when I was 8. I missed him so much as a kid. My mom did too. We'd go to the cemetary & she'd talk to him looking at his name on this piece of stone. He didn't live there. As a kid, I always thought going to the fire station where he worked was a more fitting place to talk with him. Yet, even as an adult, I found myself going to both the cemetary & the fire house when I missed him.

When my dad died in 2002, he was cremated & his ashes were at my mom's house (in the kitchen). When she remarried, they were given to my sister where they remained until the ashes were buried last summer. I can honestly say that I had no desire to spend time with the ashes in those places. Although, I may go to the cemetary where his ashes are buried now just because it's a "place."

I understand having a graveside memorial after the funeral for a closing event. But I have little sense of a need to go afterward.

A sense of history, geneology etc. for future generations is the best reason I can think of for graveside visits.


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