# Puns



## Baytor (Jun 19, 2004)

Ok, these are bad, but I had to share them...

 1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off toHollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 4. 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused.  The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ....what? (This is so bad it's good...) a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


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## Goldendragon7 (Jun 19, 2004)

IamBaytor said:
			
		

> Ok, these are bad, but I had to share them...


 *HEY*.... You're stealing all my stories........   :rockets:  :angry: :flame:


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## TigerWoman (Jun 19, 2004)

I liked the one about Gandhi the bestI got to re-tell it to my class. Thanks!
TW


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## Spud (Jun 19, 2004)

Sign in an Egyptian funeral parlour: "Satisfaction guaranteed, or your mummy back."

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. 

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart. 

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 

My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.


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## Feisty Mouse (Jun 19, 2004)

lol - the Ghandi one is just too good.  They're all funny.


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## theletch1 (Jun 19, 2004)

Our instructor was discussing finger manipulation during aikido class the other night.  He said that we want to hold the pressure just shy of a break and not actually break the finger....but it was just a rule of thumb.


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## mj-hi-yah (Jun 19, 2004)

Goldendragon7 said:
			
		

> *HEY*.... You're stealing all my stories........ :rockets: :angry: :flame:


Kato what are you doing here? :idunno:  You are supposed to sneak up on the guy not go blasting all of your noisy guns  LOL  :ninja: _come on..._  what kind of ninja does that?!!!


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## MA-Caver (Jun 20, 2004)

I saw the Ghandi one before, but the dog who was looking for the man that shot his paw was the only one that actually got a chuckle out of me


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## kenpo tiger (Jun 21, 2004)

Probably the first funny dentist joke ever.


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## KenpoTex (Jun 22, 2004)

Little boy: Where's my lunch box at?

Teacher: don't you know that a preposition is not the word to end a sentance with?


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## MA-Caver (Jun 22, 2004)

Remembered from the M*A*S*H tv show

Col. Blake (drunk) (speaking about how he arrived to Korea to Father Mulcahy: ...general's kid with a bad stomach infection, and one of the doctors said, Give him a coffee enema.  I had to open my big mouth and add, do you want it with cream and sugar?"

Col. Blake (later...still on the subject) : I was on a plane to Korea in 12 hours... so what do you think about that? 

Father Mulcahy: (uncomfortable but trying to make the best of it): "Well Col. the enema's loss was our gain!"


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