# Problematic new location for my school?



## Flea (Apr 16, 2009)

If this isn't the right place for my thread, I have no problem with it being moved ...

I'm not the instructor at my school, but I'm worried that there's a slim chance I might have to quit.  I'm not sure how to approach this, and I'd love some advice from some teachers if you wouldn't mind.

My school lost its previous location, and we've been practicing in a city park.  For the most part it's nice - we love the sun, and it's good training to have to factor in uneven terrain and so forth.  The teacher has been busting his buns to find a new space in the meantime, and he's mentioned a particular church basement as a good possibility.

Some background ... A few years ago I was stalked briefly by a friend-turned-weirdo when Jesus said he and I should start dating.    I was very careful and smart in how I handled it, and pulled the plug on the whole enterprise at the "threatening phone call" stage.  I haven't heard from him directly since then, but I'm still careful.  I get a lot of hangups on my answering machine that are _probably_ meaningless.  But who knows - I see no reason to test it.

What does this have to do with my class? Guess whose church it is?  Thaaaaaaat's right!  I have no way of finding out whether he's still attending, or if he is, whether he'd still have any interest in me.  I think it's about a 0.01% chance of there being an actual problem, but if there is, I'd sooner quit the class than risk going through that again.  If I do cross paths with this guy, he knows where I live.  He's a recovering (last I heard, anyway) addict so that's a factor too.

So here's my question to you instructors: do I embarrass myself by airing my dirty laundry over that 0.01% chance?  _If_ it even pans out with this church at all?  I also don't want to derail the process of finding a new place either because sogging around in those spring thunderstorms is getting old too.  :uhyeah:  I'm really not sure where to go on this.

Thanks.


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## Thesemindz (Apr 16, 2009)

Personally, I say bring it up to your instructor privately. Be rational, limit the details, and leave out any bias you may have. Just say you have a negative history with some of the people at that church and you wouldn't be comfortable continuing to be a part of his organization if he decided to use that church's space. Make sure he understands it has nothing to do with his school or him, it's just a decision you have to make for your own safety.

If he's a rational adult professional, he'll listen and take your concerns seriously. That doesn't mean you'll get your way, but at least he'll know what's going on.

If he's not a rational adult professional, you probably don't want to be working with him anyway.

Either way, from that point forward you need to make your decisions based on your own well being. It doesn't have to be an emotional issue, it's just self defense.

We all owe it to ourselves to eliminate the crazy people from our lives.


-Rob


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## Brian King (Apr 16, 2009)

Flea churches know who is in their membership and how active. Set up a time with the church pastor/priest or their wife or one of the senior ladies there and explain the situation if the move happens. Many churches have battered women counseling and other support groups and they are ran by people who care and have influence with-in the church and the community, an appointment with one of them if available couldnt hurt.

Also let your instructor know of the individual before the move and during and after the move. Let him know not to allow that individual to train with you all. No big deal. Letting him know the situation will also give him advance warning to be ready for the jealous boyfriend problems that show up now and thenno big deal but forewarned is forearmed. 

The training times will be different than the church service times and you can always go to privates or something.

Fear= False Evidence Appearing Real. You are worrying about a situation, a move that may or may not happen, about a church member that may or may not still be a member, and even if a member may or may not still be interested, who may or may not ever have the desire to check out some martial arts club in the basement, may or may not ever run into you at the church parking lot or see your car or what ever.

If you all make the move then go to the parking lot with the guys, dont go to your car alone, he already knows where you live but check to make sure you are not being followed. If you are visiting the wash closet let the instructor know and do not linger. Make sure that there are changing rooms but the instructor knows when you are in there and they dont leave until you are out (or show up changed)

It is a pain Flea but you can easily run into the creep at the corner store. It is up to you if you let him (creep) affect your life by making changes to avoid or please him. If your group makes the move to the church and the creep shows up beat him with the closest crucifix and pound him under the pews right there in the church in front of God and all, revive him with the holy water and then beat him to the dirt again to show it was no accident ummm well.that is what I would do but you might want to let your instructor know that is what you will do if needed.

Do you give in to fear, ignore it, or educate yourself giving you more options and choices. Find out if the move is going to happen if so then find out if he is still a member, if so find out how active, find out if they have a support group you can get on your side. You are not the same girl you were then, you now thanks to your training and growth have more choices and are stronger and will not appear the same to him. I cannot say go or avoid...listen to your gut but do so from a reasoned educated informed position.

In the meantime enjoy training outdoors. If it isnt raining it isnt training. 

Regards
Brian King

P.S. you wrote



> "do I embarrass myself by airing my dirty laundry over that 0.01% chance?"


 
I wonder if you know how much that sentance pissed me off. Why should you be embarrassed, you didn't do anything wrong!! The sooner you understand that the better.

Bri


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## terryl965 (Apr 16, 2009)

I say contact the Church and see if they woul;d be willing to give you some insight and explain the past problems.


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## Flea (Apr 16, 2009)

Thanks everyone.  When my stalker was active I thought about asking the pastor to give him a Talking To, but decided against it since stalker might take that as my giving him attention.  But it hadn't occurred to me to bring it up with church leadership now in confidence.  Great idea.

If I can work this out without cluing in my class, so much the better.  I'm sure that they would have my back if needed, but as we say, the best way to win a fight is not to engage.  If I find that Stalker isn't there anymore I'll consider it a win/win.  If he's still attending that church, I'll bring it up with my instructor and we can burn that bridge once we get to it.  Nothing is finalized with the church yet anyway as far as I know.



> Why should you be embarrassed, you didn't do anything wrong!! The sooner you understand that the better.


Absolutely, and I do understand.  The thing is that with some of the other ... issues ... I've mentioned, I feel a bit tedious with all the :dramaqueen:.  And if I'm getting tired of hearing it _myself,_ how must an outsider feel?  That's where the embarrassment comes from.  It's not linked to victimhood; since I kept my wits about me a couple years ago I don't consider myself a victim on this at all.  I was sorely inconvenienced, and I intend to keep it at that.  It's a statement of strength to divert my class' attention from this matter if I can.  Paying Stalker any attention is a victory for him, and spreading that attention around to a group would amplify that.  This guy is just some stoopit maggot what doesn't deserve the time of day, and he's not going to get it from me.


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## astrobiologist (Apr 16, 2009)

I agree with the other great posts here.  Before you quit over something that may not even be, talk to your instructor and the church higher-ups...


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## Carol (Apr 16, 2009)

Flea said:


> But it hadn't occurred to me to bring it up with church leadership now in confidence.  Great idea.



I agree!  That is an excellent idea!



> The thing is that with some of the other ... issues ... I've mentioned, I feel a bit tedious with all the :dramaqueen:.  And if I'm getting tired of hearing it _myself,_ how must an outsider feel?


Working through personal challenges are draining, and part of the reason why you may be tired of hearing it from yourself is because you're the one that is bravely fighting your battle every day.   That deserves a lot of credit.  Your instructor isn't fighting you're battle, and I'm sure he wants to be the one that helps ensure you aren't running out of ammunition when you're on the front lines.

Situations like this is why you (and all of us) need instructors.  Many folks that started in MA did so because of some sort of threat in their lives, be it street violence, a schoolyard bully, an unstable ex, or whatever.  Our instructors aren't just there to teach us how to throw a good punch, they are also there to guide us with advice on how we can manage a particular situation that we have to face. 



> That's where the embarrassment comes from.


A good instructor will understand that a sexual threat can happen to anyone, and is embarrassing and terrifying to everyone that encounters it.  I don't see a reason for him to not take your concerns seriously, and confidentially.

Please keep one thing in mind.  Stalking is a very serious matter.   This is not a time to stay quiet.


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## Flea (Apr 17, 2009)

Updates:

First, I got smart last night and googled his name.  It sounds like he's done a lot of growing up, and I'm happy for him on that count.  He has a lengthy blog on addiction recovery, and gushes enthusiastically about his involvement with the Man Kind Project, and his church.  *sigh*

Secondly, after further reflection I realized that I wasn't sure which of _two_ churches I remember him saying he attended.  So this morning I called both churches and neither said they had heard of him.  That's a relief!  So I think  my course of action will be to take my instructor aside and tell him about that 0.01% just to cover my bases.  After having done some homework I'm willing to move into that facility on good faith.

Thanks so much for your support everyone!


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## Kacey (Apr 17, 2009)

Flea said:


> Updates:
> 
> First, I got smart last night and googled his name.  It sounds like he's done a lot of growing up, and I'm happy for him on that count.  He has a lengthy blog on addiction recovery, and gushes enthusiastically about his involvement with the Man Kind Project, and his church.  *sigh*
> 
> ...


I'm glad it worked out for you!  

I would suggest, however, that if there's any chance he might show up at an event at the church your class may be moving to (e.g. joint church activities) that you talk to your instructor, as he has a right to know anything that could impact his class, and more importantly, will not know to protect you if he doesn't know the situation.  I would _not_ suggest talking to the church, unless you expect that someone from the church will be involved in any potential interactions - because in a he said/she said situation such as this could easily cause more problems than a preventative discussion could solve.


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