# Cancer...



## Sarah (Nov 14, 2005)

As some know, I have become blatantly aware of the effects of cancer this last year. I lost my oldest and dearest friend, who I also happened to be married to, he died a month ago to Metestatic Malignant Melanoma.

My Mum, who went through treatment for Breast Cancer last year has recently been told it is now Metestatic, its in her Lungs, Bones and possibly her Liver.

Although she is about to begin a new round of treatment, I am interested to hear other peoples experiences. More so about possible alternative treatments that people may have had some success with?

Anyone been in a similar position? how did you handle it, what is the best way to support my family as well as dealing with my grief of losing someone close?

I get a lot of "be strong for your Mum", and although I get this from very well meaning people, I find it to be counterproductive to not only my own health but also to my Mum, who is now more worried about me and having trouble concentrating on herself.

One thing I have found with my Mum (which of course may be different for others) it is better to have an open line of communication with the person concerned rather than pretending you are ok!

Whereas with Nick, he wanted everyone to be happy and not cry or be upset for him.

so any good advice is welcome.

Thanks
Sarah


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## Eternal Beginner (Nov 14, 2005)

I don't know if I have any advice as I am experiencing the same thing for the first time right now.  My dad has cancer of the pancreas that has metastasized...he is just starting treatment.  There is no cure...he is terminal but they are hoping to control it for at least a little while.

I really don't know how to handle it but I do sympathize with you.  I guess we just have to take care of the ones we love, and ourselves, the best way we know how.

Strength and peace.


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## Sarah (Nov 14, 2005)

Im so sorry for your Dad, just remember miracles can happen and people that are told will die do go into remission!

Just make sure you say everything you need to say to your dad, the ONLY good thing about terminal disease is that you are giving a chance to say what needs to be said.

Also, Nick found great peace before he passed with canceling at a special retreat that he went to.

Good luck to your Dad, and to you and your family.


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## Solidman82 (Nov 14, 2005)

I am going through the same thing right now. My best friend's mom (very much so a second mom to me) has advanced breast cancer. It's spread so far into her body it's now in her hips. She has roughly 8 months to live.

The only advice I've gotten is to not accept her death until she's dead. She's one of the strongest women I know and I know she'll fight it out till the very last.


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## Gary Crawford (Nov 14, 2005)

I have been through it a few times. My grandmother died of colan cancer a couple years ago and one of my best friends wife died of the same thing a year or so before that. It's always hard to handle emotionally. In my grandmothers case, she was in her eighty's,so she decided not to fight it(which was the right thing to do).  Her quality of life was very good for two years,walked a mile or so every day until the last month,so her suffering was fairly minimal.  I don't think she would have lived as long if she had undegone the treatments. In the case of my friends wife, she had the cancer removed and went through radiation and chemotheropy only to have it re-appear a year later. By the time they diagnosed the next episode, it was far too advanced to save her. Her husband has been lost without her since. I think the thing to do when someone close to you is diagnosed is to just be there when they need you. The nicest thing you can do is offer them your shoulder to cry on, let them know how much you care.


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## Jonathan Randall (Nov 14, 2005)

Sarah said:
			
		

> Also, Nick found great peace before he passed with canceling at a special retreat that he went to.


 
I am very glad to hear that. I am so sorry that you are going through so much heartache right now. You have the best wishes of all your MT friends (I'm sure I can correctly speak for others on this).


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## Sarah (Nov 14, 2005)

Solidman82 said:
			
		

> The only advice I've gotten is to not accept her death until she's dead. She's one of the strongest women I know and I know she'll fight it out till the very last.


 
I think that's a hard one...because if you do not accept the possibility of her death until it happens, can be quite damaging to the ones left behind.

I have heard a lot of people that are terminal refuse to 'put things in order' because they do not believe they will die.

I think it is best to learn to be at peace with the possibility (how ever possible) ....but NEVER give up!!!  I found with my husband, it was very important for him to let go of the anger, and accept what ever will happen will happen, and then fight with everything you have.


My Mum's cancer is also in her hips and spin, I am hopeful her treatment will be successful... or may im in denial?  One thing I have learnt from my experiance with my husband is that often what I think im feeling is not really whats going on, is often becasue it hurts to much to face the truth.


Also I do understand that a lot of older people develop cancer, and as hard as this can be, I think it is so much more tragic, (well at least harder to deal with) when young people are taken by it, my Husband was a month off is 26 birthday and my Mum is only 53.....


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## Rob Broad (Nov 14, 2005)

All I can suggest is be there for your Mum in what ever way she needs you.  If she needs support give it.  If she just needs to vent let her.  If she just needs a hug be there arms open.  I lost 3 out fo 4 grand parents to Cancer, and 2 uncles and 1 aunt as well.  It is hard to deal with, be there for them as much as you can but make sure you have your own support system as well to let everything out as well.  

I am sure I can speak for almost any member here on MT when I say if you need to vent a little please feel free to contact me, through email, or PM.  We are one big family here at MT, and almost everyone here will be supportive in any way you need.


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## Solidman82 (Nov 14, 2005)

The fact that good people get something so stupid as Cancer really just angers me. I think about it while I'm at work because I work better when I'm angry. The only problem is that nobody can really talk to me because I get lost inside my rage. I hate not being able to do anything for people who are close to me.


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## Lisa (Nov 14, 2005)

Sarah, my friend...

Your strength through both Nick's illness and now your mum's absolutely amazes me.  When you have seen anger, you waited patiently, when you saw sadness you stood by and offered strength, when you saw hope you gave faith and where you saw peace in the eyes of a loved one, you made it easier for them to pass over just by being there for them.

You say that often what you are feeling is not what is really going on.  That is perfectly normal.  Your mind will only let you deal with so much.  If it is not time to face the truth, then don't, you will in your own time.  There is no timeline, no standard you need to live by.

I pmed you my phone number.  Call me anytime.  Remember you MT family is but a click away.

Much strength and love,

Lisa :asian:


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## Eternal Beginner (Nov 14, 2005)

Sarah said:
			
		

> Im so sorry for your Dad, just remember miracles can happen and people that are told will die do go into remission!
> 
> Just make sure you say everything you need to say to your dad, the ONLY good thing about terminal disease is that you are giving a chance to say what needs to be said.
> 
> ...



Thanks very much.  

I am so very sorry for your loss and now the new challenge that you face.  Words seem so hollow at times like these.


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## arnisador (Nov 14, 2005)

I'm sorry to hear this. 

Some centers are looking at "thin doses" (a.k.a. "metronomic chemotherapy") of chemotherapy to try to make the disease more nearly chronic than terminal. I think that's a promising avenue. Bigger cancer centers like those in NYC do get better results because they see more cases. Metastasized cancer is a very negative diagnosis, though.


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## Sarah (Nov 14, 2005)

arnisador said:
			
		

> I'm sorry to hear this.
> 
> Some centers are looking at "thin doses" (a.k.a. "metronomic chemotherapy") of chemotherapy to try to make the disease more nearly chronic than terminal. I think that's a promising avenue. Bigger cancer centers like those in NYC do get better results because they see more cases. Metastasized cancer is a very negative diagnosis, though.


 
Thanks for that. The Chemo that Mum is about to start is different than what she did last year.  The last round, she was treating ever 3 weeks, this time its every week, but the side effects are (so they say) not as bad, dont have hair loss etc.


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## shesulsa (Nov 15, 2005)

Sarah,

I had 12 aunts and uncles and then there was my father and my mother.  Of that generation, only two aunts on one side and my mother are still alive and all but one died of cancer.

My father died of acute lymphocytic leukemia.  I was 19 when he was diagnosed and 20 when he passed.

Dad always played everything very close to the vest, so having heart-to-heart, open-minded discussions about living, death, afterlife, fond memories, unresolved differences ... it just didn't happen, even when the inevitable was obvious.  Dad wanted someone to just be there by his side - he didn't want to talk about anything, he just wanted COMPANY.  So ... that's what I gave him. I saved my emotional wreckage for outside the hospital room.  My mother was a wreck and could not be there for us, my brother was in denial, I think, my sisters were equally devastated and we really didn't know each other that well, so I felt VERY alone in my pain.  

He spent four of the last five months of his life in Intensive Care and there were many close calls.  It was horrible and I felt like I was watching the most important man in my life melt away.

I got a lot of advice, too. "Be strong for your family."  "Take care of your mother." "Take care of yourself."  "Help him get well."  Wow. How do you do all of that?  I didn't.  I heeded none of it.  I took that time in my life moment by moment - quite literally.  If Dad needed his nails clipped, I clipped them for him.  If he wanted help cleaning his mouth, I help him.  When he came home for a few weeks and needed shots to keep the heparin lock open, I did it.  When my mom and brother got into a physical fight two weeks before Dad died, I kept him calm, reassured him, and stayed with him while they went to the ER.  I concentrated on the immediate, concrete needs, because that's what he wanted and needed.

I think the most important thing to do is to _listen to her_.  And give her what SHE wants and what SHE needs.  Try to read her comfort level with discussions on this stuff and the outlet of emotion under the circumstances and roll with that.  If you think you can let fly with your honest tears and that she can handle it, then do it.  If you think she's too fragile at the moment to handle it, then suck it up and just be there for her.

Her dying is about HER.  The afteraffects are about YOU.

My father made only one request of me in his entire life and it was post-diagnosis.  That request was to take care of Mom after he was gone. I'm doing that now.  Don't promise her anything you're not willing to do - balls out, in the face of anyone else, and with fervor.

Two weeks after Dad died, the FDA approved a highly controversial chemotherapy treatment for his kind of cancer - one that had a 98% success rating in double-blind studies.  If he had accessed that therapy he might have lived a while longer.

Sarah ... just please remember to take care of your body through all of this, to have a rock to lean on and DO lean on your rock, take time to cry your heart out again and again.  Remember that she's not dead yet - and neither are you.  

If you ever want to talk, I'm here.


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## Jonathan Randall (Nov 15, 2005)

shesulsa said:
			
		

> Sarah,
> 
> He spent four of the last five months of his life in Intensive Care and there were many close calls.
> 
> If you ever want to talk, I'm here.


 
I'm going through the very same thing with my mother right now (not cancer, though) so I sympathize with both of you, Sarah and Shesulsa.

On the second part, I'm here too.


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## Kempogeek (Nov 15, 2005)

My mom passed away from breast cancer last year. She was diagnosed in October of 2003 and had one of her breasts removed. I accepted this and was thought that she would go through the treatment and hopefully after a long while get back on her feet again. Go to Bingo which she loved to do and to the gambling boats. My dad and I would do everything to help out with the house, shopping etc. while she recovered. Well, I believe the experience hit her very hard as she never recovered from it. She pretty much let herself go and as much as we tried to convince her to eat and take care of herself, she wouldn't have it. It sure made my dad and myself very angry at her, even to the point of just giving up. To this day I still feel like a bastard for the way I talked to her. I never thought I would ever, ever speak to my mom like that. I guess I couldn't understand what she was going through. Im sure there's a special place in hell for me now. When she passed away the Sunday after Mother's Day, she lost alot of weight. She had to be at least less than 100 pounds. If anything that made me feel a little better was that I finally accepted her decision and told her that I loved her. I don't know if she heard me or not but Im sure despite all the BS I gave her, she knew I loved her. I just wish that I could have handled it better. So I hope that you can be a stronger person that I could have ever been. Good luck Sarah and my prayers are with you and the family....Steve


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## arnisador (Nov 15, 2005)

Sarah said:
			
		

> Thanks for that. The Chemo that Mum is about to start is different than what she did last year. The last round, she was treating ever 3 weeks, this time its every week, but the side effects are (so they say) not as bad, dont have hair loss etc.


 
Sounds like it might be the thin dose approach, then.

My mother was incredibly lucky--they caught her breast cancer somewhere between Stage 0 and Stage 1. She was fortunate to have had her mammogram at just the right time. My wife's mother was not as fortunate, and passed away from (a recurrence of ) it the year my wife and I graduated from college.  I only met her twice.


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## Flying Crane (Nov 15, 2005)

My aunt, who was also my godmother, died about a year and a half ago, from lung cancer.  Lifelong smoker, she was 69.  People in her family, including my grandparents, were well into their 90s when they passed away, so long life is in the genetics.  Shows what smoking can do to you.

It was a painful experience.  She was a wonderful woman, and had given me tremendous support 11 years ago when I moved to San Francisco (she had lived in the area for about 40 years or so).  Without her, I would have had a very difficult time getting my feet under me in my new city.  I still miss her.

I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to share, and send my best thoughts your way.


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