# Some non-MA-related jokes...



## Cruentus (Jan 21, 2003)

Disclaimer: Some of these are really off-color, and might be offensive, but they are PG-13. So please DO NOT read these if your easily offended. I got a pretty good laugh out of a few of them, though.

Enjoy!



     What's the best form of birth control after 50? 
     Nudity 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 
     45 lbs. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 
     45 minutes. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What's the fastest way to a man's heart? 
     Through his chest with a sharp knife. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Why do men want to marry virgins? 
     They can't stand criticism. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, 
     caring, and good looking? 
     Because those men already have boyfriends. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What's the difference between a new husband and a new 
     dog? 
     After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What makes men chase women they have no intention of 
     marrying? 
     The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no 
     intention of driving. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What do you call a smart blonde? 
     A golden retriever. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Why does the bride always wear white? 
     Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and 
     refrigerator. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. 
     Who has the biggest boobs? 
     The blonde, because she's 18 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? 
     Ask your mom. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     How do you know when you're really ugly? 
     Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life? 
     When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do 
     single guys have? 
     Palm Sunday. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? 
     Her navel. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? 
     Bingo machine. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? 
     A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Why did God create alcohol? 
     So ugly people could have sex, too. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What did the blonde say when she found out she was 
     pregnant? 
     "Are you sure it's mine?" 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? 
     Everyone has the same DNA. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded 
     baby? 
     They named him Sum Ting Wong. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter 
     than the other? 
     A speech impediment. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
     Breasts don't have eyes. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each 
     arm? 
     A pimp. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the 
     car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? 
     Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern 
     zoo? 
     A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front 
     the cage, along with a recipe. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What's the Cuban National Anthem? 
     Row, row, row your boat. 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a 
     Southern fairytale? 
     A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern 
     fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t." 
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 



 :rofl:


----------



## Rich Parsons (Jan 21, 2003)

> _Originally posted by PAUL _
> *
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
> ...



Paul,

I do not get this one????


----------



## Cruentus (Jan 21, 2003)

I guess it could go either way. I was thinking that the "boyfriend" would take 45 minutes perfecting the, eh, um......internal massage.  

:idea: Ah yes, if any children are reading, we are talking about message....with Qi-energy....so it's like internal. um, yes, children.

I guess the husband would be the quickie, and roll over back to bed uninterested I assume.

I don't know, I've never been married before.

Rich, why don't you share with us your experience........uh actually, never mind.

Or....even better....how about if there are any single women dating married guys on this forum, please speak up and tell us the truth. The public has to know! :rofl:


----------



## jfarnsworth (Jan 21, 2003)

Pretty funny stuff.


----------



## Seig (Jan 22, 2003)

Adam and Eve were still in the Garden of Eden when God decided it was time to teach them about sex.....
God: "Adam, go kiss Eve"
Adam: "What is a kiss?"
So God explains the kiss.  He then tells Adam that for the sake of decency, that he could take Eve somewhere private.  He does.
     The next day, God again spoke to Adam.....
God: "Adam, how did you and Eve like kissing?"
Adam:"That was great!  I did not know anything could be like that!"
God:"I am pleased you enjoyed that Adam, now I want you to fondle Eve."
Adam:"What is fondle?"
    So God explains to Adam what fondling is.  He goes off with Eve to explore this new activity.
     The next day, God again spoke to Adam....
God:"Adam, how did you like fondling?"
Adam:" That was even better than kissing!  It was really great when we tried doing both at the same time!"
God:"I am pleased Adam!  Now, I want you to go and make love to Eve."
And God explains making love.
About 15 minutes later Adam comes back with a perplexed look and says....
Adam:"God?"
God:"Yes, Adam?"
Adam:"What is a headache?"


----------



## rachel (Jan 22, 2003)

breasts don't have eyes! I'm dying!:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


----------



## Jill666 (Jan 22, 2003)

I actually haven't heard some of those. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: 

Except I don't get the golden retriever joke.


----------

