# The Junk Drawer



## KenpoTess (Aug 19, 2003)

Whatever you want  to post ... Junk or stuff you think you may need 'someday'


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## Seig (Aug 20, 2003)

But how will we ever find anything in here?


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## bdparsons (Aug 20, 2003)

As in "I've been looking for that!"

Respects,
Bill Parsons


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## Rich Parsons (Aug 20, 2003)

Does this qualify as Junk???


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## KenpoTess (Aug 20, 2003)

Yep Rich.. that's a good thing to have in the junk drawer


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## KenpoTess (Aug 20, 2003)

Budweiser Beer will condition your hair. *Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish. *Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 min. *Mayonnaise will KILL LICE. It will also condition your hair. *Elmer's Glue -- paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads. *Shiny Hair - rinse in brewed Lipton Tea. (without sweetener) *Sunburn -- empty a large jar of instant Nestea into your bath water. *Minor burn -- Colgate or Crest toothpaste *Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it! *Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in; kills insect sting pain, too. *Bee stings - apply meat tenderizer *Chigger bite -- Preparation H *Puffy eyelids -- Preparation H (avoid eyes) *Paper cut -- crazy glue or Chapstick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals). *Stinky feet -- Jello!! *Athletes feet -- cornstarch (or simply put an "Odor Eater" in each shoe - this will rid you of Athletes Foot - been there, done that!!) *Fungus on toenails or fingernails -- Vicks vapor-rub, or soak nails in Listerine. *Kool Aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. *Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also. *Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint. Your kids will love it, and it won't hurt them if they eat it! *Peanut butter -- will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee-filter paper. *Sticking bicycle chain -- Pam no-stick cooking spray or WD-40. *Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage and shop. *Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls. *When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with cornstarch. *Heavy dandruff - rinse scalp with vinegar! *A Slinky will hold toast and CD's. *To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste and wipe clean. *Wine stains -- pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt. *To remove wax - Iron a paper towel over the wax stain, the heat will cause the wax to absorb into the towel. *Body paint -- Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour into an empty 35mm film container and mix with the food color of your choice and allow to cool. *Tie-dye T-shirts -- Mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak. *Preserving a newspaper clipping -- large bottle of club soda and 1/2 cup of milk of magnesia -- soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years! *Remove labels off glassware etc. -- rub with peanut butter! WD 40 works good on this one too. *Baked-on food - Fill the container with water, put in a Bounce "static remover and softener sheet". Soak overnight. The static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Or you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight! * Efferdent tablets will also clean your toilet bowl. * Crayon on the wall -- Colgate toothpaste and brush it! * Dirty grout - Listerine * Stains on clothes - Colgate toothpaste * Grass stains -- Karo Syrup. Rub in, let soak and wash. * Grease Stains- Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from batteries! * Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax: sprinkle and let stand for 2-4 hours. * To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer, add a little Clorox or 2 Bayer aspirin in the water. Or just use 7-Up instead of water. *WHO KNEW? When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest? So did you "squeeze" for softness to determine freshness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different colored twist tie. They are: M - Blue, Tu - Green, Th - Red, F -White, S - Yellow. So if today were Thursday, you would want red twist tie, not white which is Friday's (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue - Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday.

**disclaimer..I just copy and paste em... can't testify if they're true or not, and I'm not even gonna try *W*


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## jfarnsworth (Aug 20, 2003)

And here I thought we were going to talk about Sanford & Son.:rofl:


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## KatGurl (Aug 20, 2003)




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## KenpoTess (Aug 20, 2003)

Jason if you wanna talk about Sanford and Son.. Go for it ~!!  heheeee


KatGurl.. that's an adorable anime~!  Suits you to a 'T'


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## Seig (Aug 21, 2003)

> _Originally posted by jfarnsworth _
> *And here I thought we were going to talk about Sanford & Son.:rofl: *


LaMont, it's the big one, LaMont!


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## theletch1 (Aug 21, 2003)

Just don't post any pictures of Aunt Ester!! (shudder)


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## KenpoTess (Aug 22, 2003)

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1) Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2) Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3) Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4) Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5) Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6) Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7) Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8) Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9) Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10) Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11) Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12) Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13) Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14) Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15) Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16) Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.


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## KenpoTess (Aug 22, 2003)

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16.. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

And there you have it from George!

(I know most of these have been heard time and time again.. but life does need it's levity *G*)


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## theletch1 (Aug 22, 2003)

I always enjoyed George's take on the difference between cats and dogs.

If a dog runs through the house and slams into the sliding glass door he'll wobble around for a while as if he's just been knocked senseless.  If a cat does the same thing he'll saunter away as if to say "I meant to do that" but if you look behind the couch a minute later he'll be there with both paws covering his head saying "Freakin' meow, man!"


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## KenpoTess (Aug 22, 2003)

> _Originally posted by theletch1 _
> *I always enjoyed George's take on the difference between cats and dogs.
> 
> If a dog runs through the house and slams into the sliding glass door he'll wobble around for a while as if he's just been knocked senseless.  If a cat does the same thing he'll saunter away as if to say "I meant to do that" but if you look behind the couch a minute later he'll be there with both paws covering his head saying "Freakin' meow, man!" *



heheee yeppers.. my cat will fall off the windowsill and look up at me with  a look of .. queenly arrogance.. daring me to laugh.. ~!!  my dog will fall off the bed .. lay there waiting for me to come make sure she's ok .. with a big sigh of relief when I do laugh~!!!
Silly critters~!!


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## jfarnsworth (Aug 22, 2003)

> _Originally posted by theletch1 _
> *Just don't post any pictures of Aunt Ester!! (shudder) *



Yes, PLease don't.


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## jfarnsworth (Aug 22, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *LaMont, it's the big one, LaMont! *



Oh, Elizabeth it's the big one. I'm coming to join you honey.:rofl:


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## Seig (Aug 23, 2003)

> _Originally posted by jfarnsworth _
> *Oh, Elizabeth it's the big one. I'm coming to join you honey.:rofl: *


That does it, I'm telling Heather!


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## jfarnsworth (Aug 23, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *That does it, I'm telling Heather! *



That's fine. She's right here beside me now.


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## theletch1 (Aug 23, 2003)

> Oh, Elizabeth it's the big one. I'm coming to join you honey



Red Foxx was a foul mouthed s.o.b. when he did stand-up.  I've heard a lot of his acts and they are hilarious.  He wound up having the same kind of IRS problems that Willie Nelson had.


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## Seig (Aug 25, 2003)

> _Originally posted by theletch1 _
> *Red Foxx was a foul mouthed s.o.b. when he did stand-up.  I've heard a lot of his acts and they are hilarious.  He wound up having the same kind of IRS problems that Willie Nelson had. *


 Trying to write off $50,000 of drugs as a recreational expense?


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## jfarnsworth (Aug 25, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *Trying to write off $50,000 of drugs as a recreational expense? *



I guess it was worth a try.


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## Seig (Aug 26, 2003)

> _Originally posted by jfarnsworth _
> *I guess it was worth a try. *


Had they been politicans they may have gotten away with it.


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## theletch1 (Aug 27, 2003)

> Had they been politicans they may have gotten away with it.



Yeah, like, maybe the mayor of a major  american city.


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## jfarnsworth (Aug 27, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *Had they been politicans they may have gotten away with it. *



Or if they could have proved it as a medical need.:rofl:  Can you imagine that fat return check.


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## Aikikitty (Aug 27, 2003)

My goodness!  I go on vacation for a week and come home and all these new threads have been started!  There's a whole new section of Martial Talk too (General Defense, I think)!  I like all these new threads you started, Kenpotess.  They're fun!  

Robyn :asian:


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## KenpoTess (Aug 28, 2003)

> _Originally posted by The Opal Dragon _
> *My goodness!  I go on vacation for a week and come home and all these new threads have been started!  There's a whole new section of Martial Talk too (General Defense, I think)!  I like all these new threads you started, Kenpotess.  They're fun!
> 
> Robyn :asian: *


 Good to have you back Robyn~!!  Things have been kinda quiet with people returning to school et al~!   Glad you're home and hope you had a great vacation~!

Tess


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## Aikikitty (Aug 28, 2003)

> _Originally posted by KenpoTess _
> *Good to have you back Robyn~!!  Things have been kinda quiet with people returning to school et al~!   Glad you're home and hope you had a great vacation~!
> 
> Tess *



Thanks, it was very nice!  I went to Orange County, CA and visited with most of my relatives.  I went to Universal Studios one day, the beach another, and a mall, or just lying around relaxing the rest of my visit.  I didn't get to visit any dojos while I was there but I was surprised to see how many MA places there were listed in the phone book and I saw where several of them were located just driving around with my cousins.

Robyn :asian:


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## KenpoTess (Aug 28, 2003)

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

--------------------------------------------------------- CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful - they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

--------------------------------------------------------- BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20)

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

------------------------------------------------------- MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. Its not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

-------------------------------------------------------- POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

-------------------------------------------------------- CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golfcourse, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

-------------------------------------------------------- COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in "the melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

--------------------------------------------------------

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

-------------------------------------------------------

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

------------------------------------------------------ BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

--------------------------------------------------------

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)

Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on a vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

------------------------------------------------------- ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another possibility.


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## jfarnsworth (Aug 28, 2003)

> -------------------------------------------------------- POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.



I have never thought of myself as a possum before. As much as I like my sleep never have I been caught hanging upside off of the shower curtain rod from my tail.:rofl:


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## theletch1 (Aug 29, 2003)

Jason, sounds like ya should probably give up playing in the middle of the road.

I was a crawfish.


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## KenpoTess (Aug 29, 2003)

> _Originally posted by jfarnsworth _
> *I have never thought of myself as a possum before. As much as I like my sleep never have I been caught hanging upside off of the shower curtain rod from my tail.:rofl: *



hahaaa oh gee thanks for that visualization  Jason~!!

I'm Okra.. *pfffts.. what nasty stuff that is~!!!


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## theletch1 (Aug 29, 2003)

> I'm Okra.. *pfffts.. what nasty stuff that is~



Yummy! Okra with macaroni (no cheese) and stewed tomatoes!! I haven't had that for years.  Oh, yeah, and gumbo.  Ya can't have a good  seafood gumbo with out the okra in it.  Dang it, now I gotta go fix myself something to eat.:shrug:


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## Seig (Aug 30, 2003)

> _Originally posted by jfarnsworth _
> *I have never thought of myself as a possum before. As much as I like my sleep never have I been caught hanging upside off of the shower curtain rod from my tail.:rofl: *


I've fallen asleep in the shower, does that count?


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## Seig (Aug 30, 2003)

> _Originally posted by theletch1 _
> *Yummy! Okra with macaroni (no cheese) and stewed tomatoes!! I haven't had that for years.  Oh, yeah, and gumbo.  Ya can't have a good  seafood gumbo with out the okra in it.  Dang it, now I gotta go fix myself something to eat.:shrug: *


She doesn't like grits either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She ruins perfectly good grits with things like sugar, syrup, or milk! :barf:


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## jfarnsworth (Aug 30, 2003)

> _Originally posted by theletch1 _
> *Jason, sounds like ya should probably give up playing in the middle of the road.*



I usually find my....um.....relatives _(i guess)_  belly up on the side of the road.:rofl: 




> I was a crawfish.



When I was younger a friend and I would go down to the creek to catch some crawfish. After catching them we would pull their claws off. ... Stuff you do when you are bored and 10.


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## jfarnsworth (Aug 30, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *I've fallen asleep in the shower, does that count? *



I suppos it would but just don't tell me you were hanging by a tail.:rofl:


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## theletch1 (Aug 30, 2003)

> She ruins perfectly good grits with things like sugar, syrup, or milk!



EEEWWWWW!!  But I've been known to add a little butter and salt to mine.  



> When I was younger a friend and I would go down to the creek to catch some crawfish. After catching them we would pull their claws off. ... Stuff you do when you are bored and 10



I used to do the same.  My best friend got his thumb ripped open pretty good when his timing was off just a little.  When we got back to his house he got a band-aid and a butt whoopin' for being in the crick (that's southern for creek ya'll).


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## Seig (Aug 30, 2003)

> _Originally posted by jfarnsworth _
> *I suppos it would but just don't tell me you were hanging by a tail.:rofl: *


It wasn't mine, honest!


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## Seig (Aug 30, 2003)

> _Originally posted by theletch1 _
> *EEEWWWWW!!  But I've been known to add a little butter and salt to mine.
> *


Thank God!  Someone besides me on this board knows how to eat grits!


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## Nightingale (Aug 30, 2003)

I like grits with butter and salt.
My friend from the south makes em with ham and cheese too. yummy.

However, I'm gonna ask a stupid question... what's okra?


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## KenpoTess (Aug 30, 2003)

Okra.. it's fuzzy on the outside and slimy  with round seeds inside.. found in gumbo, or fried or in some other way shape or form recipe that southerners find to hide it~!!

some people like it .. I, myself can't tolerate the texture ~!
Pic of Okra


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## KenpoGirl (Aug 30, 2003)

I'm Gritts!!!!   Question ...... Can I be grits if I've never had grits???  We don't get much grits up here in the Great White North.  Is it anything like Oootmeal, we Canuks luv's out Oootmeal.


Dot
:rofl:


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## Seig (Aug 30, 2003)

> _Originally posted by KenpoTess _
> *Okra.. it's fuzzy on the outside and slimy  with round seeds inside.. found in gumbo, or fried or in some other way shape or form recipe that southerners find to hide it~!!
> 
> some people like it .. I, myself can't tolerate the texture ~!
> Pic of Okra *


Okra is best deep fried, in a soup or gumbo is second best.


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## Seig (Aug 30, 2003)

> _Originally posted by KenpoGirl _
> *I'm Gritts!!!!   Question ...... Can I be grits if I've never had grits???  We don't get much grits up here in the Great White North.  Is it anything like Oootmeal, we Canuks luv's out Oootmeal.
> 
> 
> ...


EGADS WOMAN!  Are you *trying* to kill me?  Grits resemble that vile paste you call oatmeal in no fashion other than color and you eat both of them hot.  Grits are a meal corn cereal.  They are also commonly known as quick grits.
Grits Edifying


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## KenpoGirl (Aug 30, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *EGADS WOMAN!  Are you trying to kill me?  Grits resemble that vile paste you call oatmeal in no fashion other than color and you eat both of them hot.  Grits are a meal corn cereal.  They are also commonly known as quick grits.
> Grits Edifying *




 Oh Okay I get it. 

So its like eating hot soggy birdseed then?   
That sounds MUCH tastier.  :barf: 

Dot  :angel:

Note to self:
Think twice before
eating with Seig
%think%


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## theletch1 (Aug 31, 2003)

> So its like eating hot soggy birdseed then?



Seig, I'm starting to think that grits must be a southern "zen" thing.


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## Seig (Sep 2, 2003)

> _Originally posted by theletch1 _
> *Seig, I'm starting to think that grits must be a southern "zen" thing. *


Nah, when God created the Mason/Dixon line, he forgot to give tastebuds to anyone above it.


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## jfarnsworth (Sep 2, 2003)

> _Originally posted by theletch1 _
> *Seig, I'm starting to think that grits must be a southern "zen" thing. *



I've seen 'em before and they didn't look apetizing.


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## Nightingale (Sep 2, 2003)

you're missing out... and this is coming from someone who has only visited the south for three days!  Grits are YUMMY! especially with lots of butter and a little salt!


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## jfarnsworth (Sep 2, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Nightingale _
> *you're missing out... and this is coming from someone who has only visited the south for three days!  Grits are YUMMY! especially with lots of butter and a little salt! *



Sounds like it will clog arteries and such.:rofl:


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## Rich Parsons (Sep 2, 2003)

It is big.


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## KenpoTess (Sep 2, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Rich Parsons _
> *It is big.  *



hehee yeah Rich.. do tell~!


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## Rich Parsons (Sep 2, 2003)

> _Originally posted by KenpoTess _
> *hehee yeah Rich.. do tell~! *



SHHHH! That is Bob's other site


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## Seig (Sep 3, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Rich Parsons _
> *SHHHH! That is Bob's other site   *


Shhhhhhh


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## KenpoTess (Sep 3, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Rich Parsons _
> *SHHHH! That is Bob's other site   *



sssshing .
*looking interestedly at Bob's other site *G*


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## KenpoTess (Sep 3, 2003)

~

I was at home the other night, in the middle of my dinner, when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.Byron, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: "OK, hold on." At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad.

Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please? [...."calling" ! The phone rang five minutes ago!! ]

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

ME: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big check at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'LL give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ..

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?

ME: Yeah?

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

ME: Is This A T & T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) "No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing, because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: click.


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## jeffkyle (Sep 3, 2003)

If you really did that....It was hilarious!  I am very impressed that you could restrain from laughter that whole time!


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## KenpoTess (Sep 3, 2003)

hahaa I wish I could take credit for that Jeff.. but alas no.. Author unknown~!!!
 *G* too funny eh~!


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## Cthulhu (Sep 3, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Nightingale _
> *you're missing out... and this is coming from someone who has only visited the south for three days!  Grits are YUMMY! especially with lots of butter and a little salt! *



It is also important to get the real thing, not that instant 'just add hot water' crap.

Cthulhu


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## jeffkyle (Sep 3, 2003)

> _Originally posted by KenpoTess _
> *hahaa I wish I could take credit for that Jeff.. but alas no.. Author unknown~!!!
> *G* too funny eh~! *



Oops...I didn't read that in the title.    Sorry!


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## Seig (Sep 4, 2003)

> _Originally posted by jeffkyle _
> *If you really did that....It was hilarious!  I am very impressed that you could restrain from laughter that whole time!   *


I have been known to do things almost that evil, but that one is a classic.


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## Seig (Sep 4, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Cthulhu _
> *It is also important to get the real thing, not that instant 'just add hot water' crap.
> 
> Cthulhu *


Those are not grits, that is oatmeal masquerading as grits.  yuck


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## Ender (Sep 4, 2003)

> _Originally posted by KenpoTess _
> *hahaa I wish I could take credit for that Jeff.. but alas no.. Author unknown~!!!
> *G* too funny eh~! *



Whenever I get a telemarketer calling I whisper and ask "what are you wearing?"...they always seem to hang up after...*mutterin...


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## KenpoTess (Sep 4, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Ender _
> *Whenever I get a telemarketer calling I whisper and ask "what are you wearing?"...they always seem to hang up after...*mutterin... *



hehee why am I not surprised


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## Seig (Sep 5, 2003)

My new plan is to act like an Iraqi when one of them calls......


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## KenpoTess (Sep 5, 2003)

Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

And so she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow.

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain.

And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free.

And all they all smiled until one day, someone noticed : "There is no bread"


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## jfarnsworth (Sep 6, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *My new plan is to act like an Iraqi when one of them calls...... *



I'm sure they'll love you for that one.


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## Seig (Sep 9, 2003)

> _Originally posted by jfarnsworth _
> *I'm sure they'll love you for that one. *


I'm expecting a visit form Homeland Security.:rofl:


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## jfarnsworth (Sep 9, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Seig _
> *I'm expecting a visit form Homeland Security.:rofl: *



Just make sure you don't show them your arsenal of weapons.


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## Seig (Sep 10, 2003)

> _Originally posted by jfarnsworth _
> *Just make sure you don't show them your arsenal of weapons. *


All I have to do is tell them I'm a Jew waiting to defend my home.


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