# Do Not Try This At Home



## Martial Tucker (Mar 5, 2006)

I found this article/letter to the editor while surfing the net this morning.....


*Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
*   This was the advertisement in Larrys Pistol & Pawn Shop window next to the condo we rented last month in Florida. So I went in to check it out. I saw something that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 30th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Gisele. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
  The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; Id get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Gisele what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldnt be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Tabby looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Tabby (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while Im looking at this little device measuring about 5&#8243; long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but Ill do my best..
   Im sitting there alone, Tabby looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, dont do it master, reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldnt hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!Im pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, do it again, do it again!
  Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I cant be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. Im still looking for my testicles? Im offering a significant reward for their safe return.
  Still in shock


----------



## TigerWoman (Mar 5, 2006)

Ohhhh my.... I hope the wife appreciates her new gift...  TW


----------



## Simon Curran (Mar 6, 2006)

That post made my day, I'm sitting here at work laughing my butt off
By the way I have not, nor do I hope to, see your testicles


----------



## terryl965 (Mar 6, 2006)

Thanks for sharing
Terry


----------



## Martial Tucker (Mar 6, 2006)

Simon Curran said:
			
		

> That post made my day, I'm sitting here at work laughing my butt off
> By the way I have not, nor do I hope to, see your testicles



Well, mine are just fine, thank you. The story was some poor dope's  letter to a newspaper that I found the other morning on the 'net.


----------



## Simon Curran (Mar 7, 2006)

Martial Tucker said:
			
		

> Well, mine are just fine, thank you. The story was some poor dope's letter to a newspaper that I found the other morning on the 'net.


 
Duh! I missed that bit
I'm glad to here the valuables are still intact...


----------



## splazzatch (Mar 7, 2006)

HAhahahahaha...that was hilarious and made my day.


----------



## Cujo (Mar 7, 2006)

Nope, have not seen them, but I'm not relly looking.
Pax
Cujo


----------



## splazzatch (Mar 8, 2006)

Earlier today I thought I saw them...they looked like electrified grapes but were flying threw the air at a very high velocity.


----------



## Cryozombie (Mar 8, 2006)

Too bad thats most likley made up.

My friend had one of those, and (yes, we were dumbasses) we used to repeatedly shock ourselves with it, for quite longer tha three seconds on the arms and legs to watch the muscles spasm.  The worst thing that ever happened was some contact burns on the surface of the skin where we zapped ourselves from.

Granted... my friends was only 75,000 volts, but all in all, I HIGHLY doubt that the author's extra 25k makes that much difference.


----------

