# Defeating my own ego



## Mike Hamer (Aug 25, 2007)

Hi everyone, recently I've been getting depressed in aikido class at my own lack of ability....I keep thinking to myself "I've been training for over a year, why arent I any better?" Well this kind of thinking completley made any technique I had acquired at that point useless, and that just fed the self loathing fire even more. It got so bad that my Sensei e mailed me about it, asking what was up....I told him it related back to a poor self image, blah blah blah....He replied back with some very insightful words that I wanted to share with all of you, hoping maybe they could help someone else like they helped me 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





 Here it is.

_"The first thing you have to realize is that there is nothing inherently
wrong with you and second that it is most skillful to live in the moment not
the future, the past, or some conditional "what if". Aikido demands
"beginner's mind" and how your ego deals with this is a reflection on how
your ego deals with other issues. This is one of the many levels of training
that are called out in the course of Aikido training. 

Self judgment and negative self talk is due to fear and it only serves as a
hindrance. You are no more or less deserving and certainly no less capable
than any one in our Aikido class (including my self). Right training and
effort leads to some small successes that eventually grow to big successes.
No effort will lead to no success. The secret technique is to just show up
and put in good effort. All the rest will come on its own." _

Thanks for listening!


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## Carol (Aug 25, 2007)

Beautiful stuff, Mike :asian:

Good luck with your training!  Hang in there.


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## qi-tah (Aug 25, 2007)

Mike Hamer said:


> Hi everyone, recently I've been getting depressed in aikido class at my own lack of ability....I keep thinking to myself "I've been training for over a year, why arent I any better?" Well this kind of thinking completley made any technique I had acquired at that point useless, and that just fed the self loathing fire even more. It got so bad that my Sensei e mailed me about it, asking what was up....I told him it related back to a poor self image, blah blah blah....He replied back with some very insightful words that I wanted to share with all of you, hoping maybe they could help someone else like they helped me
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 

Wow, that's brilliant... thanks for sharing yr story. Yr teacher sounds like a very lovely man to care about his students so much. :asian:


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## Cirdan (Aug 25, 2007)

Beautiful stuff. I especcially like the last two lines.


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## theletch1 (Aug 25, 2007)

Excellent post.  Your instructor sounds like he really gets it.  Mike, as you progress through your aikido training you are going to hit plataues from time to time where you just don't seem to be learning anything or getting any better.  These will pass so long as you continue to practice your instructors "secret technique".


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## Kacey (Aug 25, 2007)

Great story!

The thing to remember is that we are all individuals, and therefore progress individually.  Every has peaks and valleys; some people learn at a slow but steady pace, some in fits and starts, some seem to learn nothing for a long time and suddenly jump in ability... it's different for every person.  I'm glad you've got an instructor who understand that.


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## tntma12 (Aug 25, 2007)

That is awesome advise!!  Good luck with your training, and keep us posted on your progress


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## kidswarrior (Aug 25, 2007)

Thanks for sharing, Mike. Takes courage to 'tell on yourself' in public, so that tells a lot about you. :asian: And you are truly fortunate to have such an insightful instructor. I especially identified with the idea 'many small successes over time lead to some big successes.' I hope you can hang on to that.


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## lkblair (Aug 25, 2007)

Thank you for sharing this.  I've found myself at one of these low points recently, too.  Your sensei's words help put things back into their proper perspective.

Lisa


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## morph4me (Aug 25, 2007)

Mike,

I hope you realize how fortunate you are to have an instructor who understands that and is willing to pass it along. You should also realize that if you recognize that you aren't doing things correctly, you are improving, even if it may not feel that way. Keep training, it will come.  Good luck


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## Mike Hamer (Aug 25, 2007)

I'm glad those words could reach out to my fellow aikidoka with simmilar difficulties.  Wise words indeed.


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## Sukerkin (Aug 25, 2007)

All comments above have great validity and import.  No dispute with them at all.

The only thing I can think to add can sound a bit negative but it's not meant that way - a years training is nothing.  If you see no improvement in five years then it's safe to say you're in the wrong art for you.  One year ... you're still finding your feet ... and arms ... and balance ... and ... well you get my point .


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## kidswarrior (Aug 26, 2007)

Sukerkin said:


> The only thing I can think to add can sound a bit negative but it's not meant that way - a years training is nothing.  If you see no improvement in five years then it's safe to say you're in the wrong art for you.  One year ... you're still finding your feet ... and arms ... and balance ... and ... well you get my point .


Well, since you brought it up, *Suke*, I was thinking the same thing (great minds--well, you anyway ). In fact, in responding to and thinking about another thread on *chi* (fact or fiction?), have been remembering that in year 12 of training, my students started affectionately calling me 'gorilla hands'. They would say things like, Your hands are so heavy (and I swear I was being gentle). I hadn't changed anything about my practice, so it had to have been just a result of accumulated time in the arts. 

Another thing I took from that, is that we don't know when those breakthroughs are going to come. As some of the previous posters said, hills and valleys, plateaus then rises. And as the old witticism goes, It's never as good as it looks, and it's never as bad as it looks.


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## shiho (Aug 26, 2007)

that is excellent advice from your Sensei. I've been training for almost 3 years and have hit periods were I feel I'm in a slump. I keep open minded and train , and it is usually followed by a period of relief and self confidence. I try not to compare my progress with that of others , and focus on my own training. For me taking my 3rd kyu test changed alot of my confidence for the better without boosting any ego. I alway's am humble of my practice . keep training and be patient. it will come to you in little pieces.


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## Yari (Aug 27, 2007)

Great coming forward, and nice advice. 

But...... It's only great if your of "sound" mind. If you have a medical issue like depression, you'll need another kind of help before it might get worse. 

Everbody feels a bit depressed once and a while, but if the feeling continues and you energi falls, this might be signs of a light to mild drepression. Getting hold of it as early as possible is very important, and there is a great success rate when taken early.

It doesn't have to be this, but since I don't know you or your situatione, I just want to make sure you get alle the info needed to make good choices for yourself.

/yari


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## Mike Hamer (Jul 17, 2008)

I think its been about a year since I posted this, and wow, does time fly by!

I however havent been to an Aikido class in a very long time 

A friend of mine stopped going, and with no vehicle, this left me with no way to train 
Luckily the IRT training hall is almost literally in my backyard, which has inadvertently made that my "main art" now so to speak.
Oh man how I would to go back though.....reading those words again really made me miss the knowledge of my Sensei....he truly is a great guy!


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## stickarts (Jul 17, 2008)

Mike Hamer said:


> Hi everyone, recently I've been getting depressed in aikido class at my own lack of ability....I keep thinking to myself "I've been training for over a year, why arent I any better?" Well this kind of thinking completley made any technique I had acquired at that point useless, and that just fed the self loathing fire even more. It got so bad that my Sensei e mailed me about it, asking what was up....I told him it related back to a poor self image, blah blah blah....He replied back with some very insightful words that I wanted to share with all of you, hoping maybe they could help someone else like they helped me
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
Very nice! Thanks for sharing!


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## Jenna (Jul 17, 2008)

Mike Hamer said:


> I think its been about a year since I posted this, and wow, does time fly by!
> 
> I however havent been to an Aikido class in a very long time
> 
> ...


Hey Mike  I had not seen this thread before and I would echo what the others have said.  You are a good guy for posting it up..  I know how you feel - not all great senseis are great for all students - and that you found the right "fit" must be a loss..  I am sorry to hear you could not get out to class, but good for you that you found a new art to suit.  Give your old sensei a mail?  From his words to you I imagine him a man of martial passion and student compassion.  I bet he would be appreciative that you have not forgotten him.  

fwiw, by your actions and words, I think you have good Aikido 

Yr most obdt hmble srvt,
Jenna


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## Brian King (Jul 17, 2008)

> Give your old sensei a mail? From his words to you I imagine him a man of martial passion and student compassion. I bet he would be appreciative that you have not forgotten him.


 
*+1*. 
It is always nice to show appreciation to those that have had an influence on your life. Giving thanks to those that have helped you triumph helps you learn to be magnanimous while giving thanks to those that contributed to your failures (I do not know about you but in everyone of my failures there has been one consistent person involved..yup me) for failures help us manage our ego and learn the power and grace of being humble.

Thanks for posting the thread Mike
Regards
Brian King


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## Mike Hamer (Jul 17, 2008)

I think I've come a long way since the time I posted this thread.  I've learned to just let go and train   I am also very lucky to have my current instructor as well, as he has provided me with alot good advice towards life and the MA.

I should email him though, thanks for the idea.


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