# A history lesson.



## Adept (Dec 4, 2004)

History began some 50,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small
   bands of nomadic hunter-gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in
   the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.

   The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer &
   the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
   These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the
   catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals &
   Conservatives.

   Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of
   agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
   while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
   invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
   formed.

   Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while
   they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the
   Conservative movement."

   Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
   conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing,
   fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
   Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
   known as 'girleymen.'

   Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
   invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting
   to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.

   Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
   powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
   jackass.

   Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
   wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
   done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another
   interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
   testosterone levels than their men.

   Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
   Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
   hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

   Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for
   their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
   construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
   executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively
   outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
   who want to work for a living.

   Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers &
   decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
   enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
   Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
   Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

   Here ends today's lesson in world history.


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## Zepp (Dec 4, 2004)

Har, har, har.


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## Feisty Mouse (Dec 4, 2004)

Ha ha.


I guess that would explain all the Dems I know who are blue-collar guys.


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## Paul B (Dec 4, 2004)

Shhh...I think that's a Hoosier thing,Feisty! :lol:


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## Feisty Mouse (Dec 5, 2004)

lol - it must be!


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## hardheadjarhead (Dec 5, 2004)

Adept, your sense of humor is about as well developed as your conscience.

Okay...political jokes.  I'll run with that.

Q:  

How many Republican Senators does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:  

12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb;

23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry;

16 to cut funding for alternative lighting research and development;

52 to cut the tax rate on lightbulbs;

32 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb; and 41 to talk with defense contractors about using night-vision gear instead.

-------------------

"Bush is visiting Canada. It is the first time he has visited since he took office in 2001. Actually Bush was going to go to Canada in '68 but then his dad got him into the National Guard." 

Jay Leno 

-----------------

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." 

David Letterman




Regards,


Steve


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## Adept (Dec 5, 2004)

hardheadjarhead said:
			
		

> "President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here."
> 
> David Letterman
> 
> ...


 lol. This one I liked. The others are too American for me, who not being American, doesnt follow their politics.


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## TigerWoman (Dec 5, 2004)

Adept, then maybe you can tell us some political jokes about Australia since you know that better...??  TW


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## hardheadjarhead (Dec 5, 2004)

I know Australians have a good sense of humor.  I present Sarah as evidence.

Regards,


Steve


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## TigerWoman (Dec 5, 2004)

hardheadjarhead said:
			
		

> I know Australians have a good sense of humor.  I present Sarah as evidence.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> ...



Yes, indeed.  God Bless Sarah, she does keep us amused with her wit!  TW


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## Adept (Dec 5, 2004)

TigerWoman said:
			
		

> Adept, then maybe you can tell us some political jokes about Australia since you know that better...?? TW


  I shall attempt to please, good lady.


_1 - John Howard is upset by his standing in the rural community. So he gets a bus, packs in the front bench and hits the road to 'meet the people'. 

 Couple of days later, they're in the back of nowhere when the bus bursts a tyre and spins out of control and crashes. A farmer, whose property it is, comes out to see what's happened. He sees all the politicians strewn across the road, brings in his backhoe and buries them all in a big grave. 

   Next day he goes into town to report this to the police. 

   The sargent gasps, "The PM's bus! Wrecked and all of them killed!" 

   "Yep" 

   "No this is VERY important. You sure ALL of them were dead?" 

   "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know what liars those bastards are"._


 2 - Bob Carr is sick of bad media coverage, so he invites a whole bunch of reporters to Circular Quay, just under the Harbour Bridge. 

   'Right', he says, 'You lot seem to think that there's nothing new in my administration'. 

 As he says that he steps of the wharf and stands on the water! Then he walks on water to the other side of the Harbour and back!! Amazing! 

 Next day the newspapers have headlines, "PREMIER CAN'T SWIM!!" - the Australian Financial Review has "CARR INVOLVED IN HARBOUR TOLL AVOIDANCE SCAM!".

*AUSTRALIAN              DEMOCRACY *_You              have two cows. The government nationalizes your herd to control the              price of milk and level the playing field for consumers. Each cow              has a calf and they grow into cows. The milkers union stage an industrial              action to protest the increase in the number of milk cows. A new party              comes to power and the economic rationalists privatize your herd              to control the price of milk and level the playing field for producers.              The government orders the slaughter of two cows to cut production              and control the price of milk.You throw a huge beef barbie,              with XXXX,              invite the milkers union, and give a speech espousing the merits              of a level playing field. You still have two cows._


 The last taken from the 'cow government' list.


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## TigerWoman (Dec 5, 2004)

Thank you, very funny....guess corrupt politicians and media spin are more universal.... TW


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## hardheadjarhead (Dec 5, 2004)

Now THOSE were funny, Adept.

Here's an alternate history:

*Election Tie-Breaker * 

On Election Night 2004, the returns showed Kerry 50%, Bush 50%. To avoid another Supreme Court case, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win.

After a lot of back-and-forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, Kerry returns to the starting line with 10 fish. Soon, W. returns and has zero fish. Everyone assumes he is just having a bad day and, hopefully, will catch up the next day.

At the end of the second day, Kerry comes in with 20 fish and W. comes in with none.

That evening, Dick Cheney gets together secretly with W. and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he's cheating in any way."

The next night (after Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Cheney says to Bush, "Well, how about it?  Is Kerry cheating?"

"He sure is!"  Bush says proudly.  "That no-good liberal evil-doer is cutting holes in the ice!"
------------------

And another light bulb joke (I'm just passing out stuff to solace my fellow Democrats here):

How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

Are you ready for this?

The Answer is SEVEN:

(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;

(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;

(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;

(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;

(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;

(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.




Regards,


Steve


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