# Friendzoned by a woman



## Chrisinmd (Mar 17, 2019)

So I got matched with a woman on Eharmony.  Went out on a date.  Had a good and pleasant date.  She is very attractive, accomplished career wise and I enjoyed her company. Sent her a message after words saying

"Hope you made it home ok. Had a great time. Your a Intelligent and beautiful woman. Tough combination to find! Lol. Look forward to getting to know you better. Enjoy your Sunday Amy"

She responded

Hi , I’ve had a busy week at work, as usual. I enjoyed your company on Sunday but to be honest I didn’t feel any chemistry. Sorry, Amy

I responded
"Fair enough. Enjoyed your company as well and I wish you all the best Amy"

She responded
"If you have room for more friends in your life, I’m definitely up for hanging out."

Anyway we have gotten together twice since then. First time at a country bar with a band.  Had good conversation and danced a couple times. Friendly time enjoyed her company and conversation but no kissing or anything physical.

Second time I invited her to a travel and adventure Fair. So for those who are not familiar with this type of fair it would be described as "Discover World Class Destinations, Learn from the Best Local Travel Experts, meet  Your Favorite Celebrity Travel personalities, Explore Cultural Entertainment from Around the World and Plan Your Next Vacation in One Day, Under One Roof"

Once again we were friendly and had good conversation.  So I guess my question is I really like her as more then a friend and would like to move this beyond some kind of friend zone situation she has put me in.  I know its not a gold digger thing she is very successful career wise and has money and does not ask me to pay for everything.  So anyone been in similar situation with a woman and what is the best way to get out of the friendzone and into a romantic interest so to speak?  Advice from a guy or from the woman perspective would be appreciated.  Thanks.


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## Dirty Dog (Mar 18, 2019)

I'd friend zone you too, with that grammar....


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## Orion Nebula (Mar 18, 2019)

If a woman says there's no chemistry and wants to be friends, you should take her at her word and not expect to move past friendship. That's not to say a friendship can't develop into something more, but trying to force it isn't going to help and you may just end up disappointed. If I were you, I would accept the friendship and look elsewhere for a girlfriend.


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## Tez3 (Mar 18, 2019)

From a female point of view.... you have a friend in her, potentially a very good friend but not a girlfriend. Accept the friendship or not but she's not going to be your girlfriend and if you push it you will lose her totally, all she'll remember is a selfish guy.


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## hoshin1600 (Mar 18, 2019)

Move on.  Anyone you need to try and convince to be attracted to you is not worth the long run heart ache.


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## jobo (Mar 18, 2019)

Chrisinmd said:


> So I got matched with a woman on Eharmony.  Went out on a date.  Had a good and pleasant date.  She is very attractive, accomplished career wise and I enjoyed her company. Sent her a message after words saying
> 
> "Hope you made it home ok. Had a great time. Your a Intelligent and beautiful woman. Tough combination to find! Lol. Look forward to getting to know you better. Enjoy your Sunday Amy"
> 
> ...


it works a number of ways, if your stuck on her and theres no future in it, then dont be her friend, it will only cause you heart ache  when she start discussing her boy friend with you.  then of course she may decided to fix you up with her friend, or you can use her to go places to meet girls, nothing gets other girls interested like you being in the company of an attractive girl. or play the long game,  treat her with polite  indifference, start talking about your prospective girl friends and see if you can spark some jealous response.


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## hoshin1600 (Mar 18, 2019)

Double post:


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## Dirty Dog (Mar 18, 2019)

jobo said:


> it works a number of ways, if your stuck on her and theres no future in it, then dont be her friend, it will only cause you heart ache  when she start discussing her boy friend with you.  then of course she may decided to fix you up with her friend, or you can use her to go places to meet girls, nothing gets other girls interested like you being in the company of an attractive girl. or play the long game,  treat her with polite  indifference, start talking about your prospective girl friends and see if you can spark some jealous response.



So, basically, your advice is to be a gamey, manipulative douche bag.


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## jobo (Mar 18, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> So, basically, your advice is to be a gamey, manipulative douche bag.


interactional analysis and marketing  to reach the desired outcome is the order of the day. it's all about perceived value, if she think others fancy you, she may see you in a different light.


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## Dirty Dog (Mar 18, 2019)

jobo said:


> interactional analysis and marketing  to reach the desired outcome is the order of the day. it's all about perceived value, if she think others fancy you, she may see you in a different light.



If you're a gamey manipulative douche bag, the friend zone is too good for you.


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## JR 137 (Mar 18, 2019)

Attraction between people has no real rhyme or reason. Getting out of that “friend zone” and into a relationship is a Hollywood story and nothing more IMO. Jobo’s first sentence or two was right on IMO. If you’re really into her and she’s not into you, it’s most likely going to cause you heartache if you’re around longer. When two people want different things from each other, it typically doesn’t go very well for very long. Been there, done that a few times before I met my wife.  

If you’re ok with being her friend and nothing more than that, enjoy her company. If you can honestly handle listening to her telling you about how great a guy was for a little while and then how he turned into another one who just wanted to get laid, have at it. Most people who are attracted to someone don’t do well with hearing that. They may act like they’re ok with it, but hearing it a few times will cause some resentment. The whole “what’s wrong with me, I’m a great guy and would never do that to you” mentality, either keeping it to yourself or saying it to her. 

You may become very good friends for a long time. If not, move on for both of your sake. If you’re looking for someone to be with, I’m sorry but I think your time and energy are far better spent on finding someone who feels the same way as you do. It doesn’t take people very long to size each other up and know where they’ll fit in their lives. 

All IMO. I’m sure some will think I’m way off. Just my own experience.


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## drop bear (Mar 18, 2019)

I think she is at least obligated to wingman for you.


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## jobo (Mar 18, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> If you're a gamey manipulative douche bag, the friend zone is too good for you.


I've never allowed a girl to friend zone me, that's for beta males, which I'm anything but.

it's rather like computers, actually understanding them is a challenge,  learning which buttons to press is quite straight forward.


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## dvcochran (Mar 18, 2019)

Tez3 said:


> From a female point of view.... you have a friend in her, potentially a very good friend but not a girlfriend. Accept the friendship or not but she's not going to be your girlfriend and if you push it you will lose her totally, all she'll remember is a selfish guy.





Tez3 said:


> From a female point of view.... you have a friend in her, potentially a very good friend but not a girlfriend. Accept the friendship or not but she's not going to be your girlfriend and if you push it you will lose her totally, all she'll remember is a selfish guy.


Agree, and this is from a guy. 
@Chrisinmd , Don't make it what it is not yet. It sounds like you have seen this person 2-3 times, ever. A little work on a dating app in no way counts as quality time together. My point is you do not know each other at all. Give it time. Spend some time actually making a friend and a relationship. Grow with each other and increase your circle of friends together. Actually find out if you have anything in common. What I hear is you want to skip all the work (and fun) and just have a hookup. You do not need to go to MA forum for help. You need to relax, be yourself and not rush the process. Yes, I still think things like wooing a girl still a thing BUT well after a relationship has had time to gel. You don't learn all there is to know about a person from a dating app and a few get togethers.


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## JR 137 (Mar 18, 2019)

dvcochran said:


> Agree, and this is from a guy.
> @Chrisinmd , Don't make it what it is not yet. It sounds like you have seen this person 2-3 times, ever. A little work on a dating app in no way counts as quality time together. My point is you do not know each other at all. Give it time. Spend some time actually making a friend and a relationship. Grow with each other and increase your circle of friends together. Actually find out if you have anything in common. What I hear is you want to skip all the work (and fun) and just have a hookup. You do not need to go to MA forum for help. You need to relax, be yourself and not rush the process. Yes, I still think things like wooing a girl still a thing BUT well after a relationship has had time to gel. You don't learn all there is to know about a person from a dating app and a few get togethers.


But you know if you’re attracted or not pretty much instantly. If she’s not attracted, that’s that. Women aren’t like us. We’ll do the deed and go through the motions (no pun intended) for a little while even if we’re not too attracted. I’m not talking about a woman who’s completely unattractive to us, but someone who we find decent looking yet not really our type. Women typically don’t think that way. Sure there’s some who do, but not nearly as many as us. 

Then again, I’ve been out of the dating scene for going on 18 years now. But I can’t imagine things have changed that drastically. And I’ve never been able to figure out what women want either. Once I’ve got it figured out, it somehow no longer applies. It’s like I’m always a step or two behind.


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## jobo (Mar 18, 2019)

JR 137 said:


> But you know if you’re attracted or not pretty much instantly. If she’s not attracted, that’s that. Women aren’t like us. We’ll do the deed and go through the motions (no pun intended) for a little while even if we’re not too attracted. I’m not talking about a woman who’s completely unattractive to us, but someone who we find decent looking yet not really our type. Women typically don’t think that way. Sure there’s some who do, but not nearly as many as us.
> 
> Then again, I’ve been out of the dating scene for going on 18 years now. But I can’t imagine things have changed that drastically. And I’ve never been able to figure out what women want either. Once I’ve got it figured out, it somehow no longer applies. It’s like I’m always a step or two behind.


attraction isn't either or, theres shades of grey, people in general want what they can't have, which is why if I go for a night out,  I dig out my old wedding ring, which attracts lots interest, I say " sorry" and show them the ring,  which only makes them keener.

I couldn't work out why, when I was married I got lots of interest  and not when we had divorced,  then it occurred to me it was the ring and polite disinterest 

theres nothing as unattractive as looking desperate.


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## Martial D (Mar 18, 2019)

Dirty Dog said:


> If you're a gamey manipulative douche bag, the friend zone is too good for you.


Yet such people seldom end up there.


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## Martial D (Mar 18, 2019)

Chrisinmd said:


> So I got matched with a woman on Eharmony.  Went out on a date.  Had a good and pleasant date.  She is very attractive, accomplished career wise and I enjoyed her company. Sent her a message after words saying
> 
> "Hope you made it home ok. Had a great time. Your a Intelligent and beautiful woman. Tough combination to find! Lol. Look forward to getting to know you better. Enjoy your Sunday Amy"
> 
> ...


Move on.


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## Chrisinmd (Mar 18, 2019)

jobo said:


> I've never allowed a girl to friend zone me, that's for beta males, which I'm anything but.
> 
> it's rather like computers, actually understanding them is a challenge,  learning which buttons to press is quite straight forward.



Thanks for the advice. Make sense.  I don't think I was "beta" in this situation.  She said she didn't feel any chemistry and I simply responded "Fair enough. Enjoyed your company as well and I wish you all the best Amy".  I didn't beg or try to get her to change her mind or ask her to be friends.  She brought up friendship and wanting to hang out more on her own.  Sure I guess I could have said I had no interest in friendship and hit the road so to speak.  Am I looking at it wrong or not seeing something?

 I think Im going to cut way back on texting her. Let her contact me if she wants. If we do get together again depending on how it goes I may take one more shot at moving past friends.
But I agree I should not expect anything more than friends.  If that the case not a bad situation.  Got a friend out of it and it may be a good to meet other women through her.  She can be my wing woman so to speak.
Anyway going to try to find other women to date and not focus on her.  Lot of fish in the sea. Sound reasonable?


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## dvcochran (Mar 18, 2019)

Chrisinmd said:


> Thanks for the advice. Make sense.  I don't think I was "beta" in this situation.  She said she didn't feel any chemistry and I simply responded "Fair enough. Enjoyed your company as well and I wish you all the best Amy".  I didn't beg or try to get her to change her mind or ask her to be friends.  She brought up friendship and wanting to hang out more on her own.  Sure I guess I could have said I had no interest in friendship and hit the road so to speak.  Am I looking at it wrong or not seeing something?
> 
> I think Im going to cut way back on texting her. Let her contact me if she wants. If we do get together again depending on how it goes I may take one more shot at moving past friends.
> But I agree I should not expect anything more than friends.  If that the case not a bad situation.  Got a friend out of it and it may be a good to meet other women through her.  She can be my wing woman so to speak.
> Anyway going to try to find other women to date and not focus on her.  Lot of fish in the sea. Sound reasonable?


That is a good attitude, IMHO. I assume this premise hasn't changed much; sure men and women can just be friends, happens all the time, but usually over time. A 1-2 time dating acquaintance who wants to be friends wants you number to call if they don't have an actual date some nights. Unless you are going Dutch on everything then all is good.


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## drop bear (Mar 18, 2019)

jobo said:


> I've never allowed a girl to friend zone me, that's for beta males, which I'm anything but.
> 
> it's rather like computers, actually understanding them is a challenge,  learning which buttons to press is quite straight forward.


The Alpha Male thing is made up.


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## Tez3 (Mar 19, 2019)

Chrisinmd said:


> Thanks for the advice. Make sense.




Oh I wouldn't thank him for advice, he's giving you the worst ever and is talking a complete load of tripe. if you were to take notice of what he said you would end up as a bitter old single man. Alpha male he is not, trust me on that one.


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## Steve (Mar 19, 2019)

My advice, be yourself and enjoy the first dates.  And btw they owe you nothing.    Just the idea if friendzoning is so screwed up and suggests you feel somehow that women just don't like nice guys, which is bs.  Much more constructive to consider what nice women don't like about you.  

And let's be clear, this is about sex.   You aren't really all that nice, considering you're complaining that she won't have sex with you, as that is the functional difference betwee what she offers you and what you want .  Seriously.  Get over it.  Be an actual nice guy.


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## JR 137 (Mar 19, 2019)

Steve said:


> My advice, be yourself and enjoy the first dates.  And btw they owe you nothing.    Just the idea if friendzoning is so screwed up and suggests you feel somehow that women just don't like nice guys, which is bs.  Much more constructive to consider what nice women don't like about you.
> 
> And let's be clear, this is about sex.   You aren't really all that nice, considering you're complaining that she won't have sex with you, as that is the functional difference betwee what she offers you and what you want .  Seriously.  Get over it.  Be an actual nice guy.


Seriously? When did he complain that she wouldn’t sleep with him? When did he say she owes him anything? He said she wanted to be friends and nothing more. There’s more to having a relationship that than sex. 

Talk about putting words into someone’s mouth. Quite possibly the most absurd thing I’ve read here in quite some time.


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## Gerry Seymour (Mar 19, 2019)

Chrisinmd said:


> So I got matched with a woman on Eharmony.  Went out on a date.  Had a good and pleasant date.  She is very attractive, accomplished career wise and I enjoyed her company. Sent her a message after words saying
> 
> "Hope you made it home ok. Had a great time. Your a Intelligent and beautiful woman. Tough combination to find! Lol. Look forward to getting to know you better. Enjoy your Sunday Amy"
> 
> ...


You can't force chemistry. If you enjoy her company, then hang out with her. If sometime she feels more than a friendly interest, it might go further. If not, well, you have a pleasant and attractive new friend, so it's still a win...just not the win you wanted.


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## Steve (Mar 19, 2019)

JR 137 said:


> Seriously? When did he complain that she wouldn’t sleep with him? When did he say she owes him anything? He said she wanted to be friends and nothing more. There’s more to having a relationship that than sex.
> 
> Talk about putting words into someone’s mouth. Quite possibly the most absurd thing I’ve read here in quite some time.


In his first post.  The entire thrust (no pun intended) was that he wanted to be more than friends. He described a friendly evening as being no kissing and nothing physical, and then expresses a desire to take this further and make it romantic.  

If not sex, then what?  The entire friend zone idea is abhorrent to me. 

I think the OP needs to get his mind right.  If he's staying friends with her hoping it turns into more, that's both creepy and pathetic.

Friends are friends, and if he enjoys hanging out with her as friends, I think that is great.  But there are a lot of red flags going off in this entire thread.


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## Steve (Mar 19, 2019)

gpseymour said:


> You can't force chemistry. If you enjoy her company, then hang out with her. If sometime she feels more than a friendly interest, it might go further. If not, well, you have a pleasant and attractive new friend, so it's still a win...just not the win you wanted.


I'm with you up to the attractive comment.  Would she be less of a good friend if she were unattractive?  At this point whether he is attracted to her is a moot point, and whether others are attracted to her is not any of his business.


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## jobo (Mar 19, 2019)

Steve said:


> I'm with you up to the attractive comment.  Would she be less of a good friend if she were unattractive?  At this point whether he is attracted to her is a moot point, and whether others are attracted to her is not any of his business.


well yes, that really the crux of the matter, if he want a friendship with her because she is nice, funny, interesting etc, then all is well and good, if it's because she is attractive and he Hope's she maybe come romantically  involved with him if he sticks around, then it's a fools errand. as the simple truth is the better a friend he is, the less chance of her putting that in jeopardy  by taking it further. 7nless you can change the dymamic

and then theres what she wants out of it, if she really values him as a person, then that's good, if she is using him to fill her time till Mr right shows up, at which point he will dropped like a hot potato,  then picked up again when Mr right turns out to be Mr wrong, then she is just using him .

I've witnessed any number of cases of girls ( and guys) surrounding themselves with admirers they have no romantic interest in, as it boosts their self esteem, to have one, two, three, or quite a few, guys paying court to them.

I had a bizarre situation with my first wife, who had left me for someone " better " wanted to come round and spend her time with me and do all the nice things we used to do, that he had no interest in. when I rebuffed this, she then offered to cheat on him with me, much as she had cheated on me with him. I considered that a losing proposition as I was still very much in love with her, and made the decision that I came as package and it was all or non.

and anyway, if it was just sex I already had a more attractive girl friend, which seems to coincided with her suddenly remembering what a nice person I wase, she only saw m6 value when I had someone else


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## JR 137 (Mar 19, 2019)

Steve said:


> In his first post.  The entire thrust (no pun intended) was that he wanted to be more than friends. He described a friendly evening as being no kissing and nothing physical, and then expresses a desire to take this further and make it romantic.
> 
> If not sex, then what?  The entire friend zone idea is abhorrent to me.
> 
> ...


There’s more to wanting to date someone and wanting to be in a relationship with someone than just sex. No idea why you can’t get past that.

Red flags? The guy likes her. He wants to be more than friends. She doesn’t. Practically everyone has gone through this. And sex isn’t the only thing people are interested in when they think they’ve met “the one.” Sex is part of most healthy romantic relationships, but it’s not the only part. Not even close.

Sure, turn a guy you don’t know into something he’s not. Just because he’s trying to figure out if there’s a chance doesn’t mean he’s got ulterior motives and/or is going to do something shady or worse.

I’m done here. Pretty sure you’ll come back with something absurd. If you can’t see the difference between genuinely liking someone and only trying to get down their pants, then nothing I can say will change anything anyway.


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## Chrisinmd (Mar 19, 2019)

Steve said:


> My advice, be yourself and enjoy the first dates.  And btw they owe you nothing.    Just the idea if friendzoning is so screwed up and suggests you feel somehow that women just don't like nice guys, which is bs.  Much more constructive to consider what nice women don't like about you.
> 
> And let's be clear, this is about sex.   You aren't really all that nice, considering you're complaining that she won't have sex with you, as that is the functional difference betwee what she offers you and what you want .  Seriously.  Get over it.  Be an actual nice guy.



Ok I never mentioned sex in my initial post.  Lot more to a dating relationship then the sexual aspect.  I found her to be intelligent, great personality, fun to hang out with, great conversationalist. etc.  Sure sex is a part of a romantic relationship but not my primary motive here at all.


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## Chrisinmd (Mar 19, 2019)

gpseymour said:


> You can't force chemistry. If you enjoy her company, then hang out with her. If sometime she feels more than a friendly interest, it might go further. If not, well, you have a pleasant and attractive new friend, so it's still a win...just not the win you wanted.



Agree win win situation. Pleasant and attractive new friend is a good outcome I can certainly live with.  Just not the ideal outcome.


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## Steve (Mar 19, 2019)

JR 137 said:


> There’s more to wanting to date someone and wanting to be in a relationship with someone than just sex. No idea why you can’t get past that.
> 
> Red flags? The guy likes her. He wants to be more than friends. She doesn’t. Practically everyone has gone through this. And sex isn’t the only thing people are interested in when they think they’ve met “the one.” Sex is part of most healthy romantic relationships, but it’s not the only part. Not even close.
> 
> ...


Not looking for an argument.  I am not the one sad about being friendzoned because a girl doesn't want to have sex with me.   I have and have had many friends, some who are women.   If this guy genuinely likes this person, he should stop worrying about getting physical or being romantic and try being a friend.   Frankly, that you think my position is absurd is, to me, absurd.  This entire thread borders on dysfunctional adolescence and is very sad.


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## Steve (Mar 19, 2019)

Chrisinmd said:


> Ok I never mentioned sex in my initial post.  Lot more to a dating relationship then the sexual aspect.  I found her to be intelligent, great personality, fun to hang out with, great conversationalist. etc.  Sure sex is a part of a romantic relationship but not my primary motive here at all.


You did mention getting physical and being romantic.   Can you elaborate on what youre looking for in a friend that involves being physical that is not sexual?   I wad born at night, just not last night. 

Let me just be clear.  If you like her as a person and see being friends as a pretty cool thing, great.  But if you are doing so in the hopes it becomes something more, I have real problems with that.


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## Chrisinmd (Mar 19, 2019)

Sure Im cool with just being her friend. I said in a previous reply its a win win situation. Pleasant and attractive new friend is a great outcome I can certainly live with. Just not the ideal outcome. I guess your use of the term "hope" would what I would take issue with.  Sure I cool with being in friend and if nothing else happens that's fine as well.  Not hoping for anything but if it happened to occur when certainly not be upset about it.

Anyway im not texting or calling you so Im leaving the ball in her court so to speak.  If she reaches out to me again that's good if not other fish in the sea.


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## jks9199 (Mar 19, 2019)

Thread locked.  Off topic, and a temptation to break The Rules that some folks won't be able to resist...


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