# Question on Dating



## LoneRider (Jun 30, 2010)

I've since recovered from the funk I was in regarding my last post on my dating life. I've started an OKCupid profile and have run into my share of women on the site and my confidence around women has increased (I feel I'm growing beyond a painfully awkward adolescence). 

Out of curiosity I've looked up the idea of dating white women as an Asian male and some of what I've run into does support the fact that I have a smaller pool of potential dates and I'm comfortable with that. It seems that most Asian/Caucasian couples I see are with an Asian female and a Caucasian male and rarely the other way around. I'm perfectly comfortable with the fact that I refuse to date my own race because Asian women (at least to me) are too reminiscent of relatives to turn me on. 

There's a scientific study quoted in this NY Times blog about the fact that as human beings we're hardwired to want to date within our own race (odd considering I see plenty of interracial couples all over the place). 

I wonder is there some sort of cultural more or mental block that white women have against dating Asian men? I'm curious if such a block does exist because it seems that white women aren't as likely to date Asians as they are most other races. I would venture to guess media stereotypes of us are problematic. I could use some input regarding this.


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## girlbug2 (Jun 30, 2010)

I hate to say this, but some of it has to do with relative heights. Regardless of race, most women seem to want to date men who are somewhat taller than themselves. Not fair IMO, but it appears to be a biological reality.


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## LoneRider (Jun 30, 2010)

That is unfortunate. I stand a mere 5'7" tall on a good day. Being short doesn't help but I often like to jokingly state that good and valuable things come in small boxes. An old cliche I know but one that's reassuring. 

I've known couples where men are shorter than their partners but that seems rare.


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## Msby (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm gonna guess media stereotypes as well.  However, the women who are willing to see you for what you are, and not what their generalizations say you are make it worth it.  
If you're ever feeling down, this video always cheered me up about this whole issue!

[yt]FOyRWuklsiQ[/yt]


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## Blindside (Jul 1, 2010)

LoneRider said:


> I wonder is there some sort of cultural more or mental block that white women have against dating Asian men? I'm curious if such a block does exist because it seems that white women aren't as likely to date Asians as they are most other races. I would venture to guess media stereotypes of us are problematic. I could use some input regarding this.



Part of it is cultural, you see similar patterns in other mixed race couples, most black/white pairs are a black male and white female.  I suspect part of it is from the media, find a Asian leading man in Hollywood, and then see if they ever "get the girl" in the movie, the number is staggeringly low.  (Though I have a number of female friends who find Ken Watanabe very attractive.)  

But all that aside, there are plenty of (Caucasian) women who do find us Asian males attractive, I would agree that it is a smaller pool, but we all have our preferences.


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## bekkilyn (Jul 1, 2010)

I have found many Asian males to be very attractive, but I have never dated one. The opportunity just never happened, but not because I would have been against it had the opportunity existed. 

I have a very independent and opinionated personality, and I think a lot of men in general tend to have had problems with that, so it could be a factor. Plus, I'm 5'9" and have been told I can be a bit intimidating, so maybe it is a size thing in some cases. But whatever the case, hordes of Asian men haven't come seeking me out.

It's possible that more Asian women have personalities (due to culture) that are attractive to more men in general, so that's a reason why there may be more combinations of non-Asian men and Asian women? No idea, really, but something that came to mind.

Maybe I'm the wrong person to try to answer this one, but if a response from *a* female is helpful, there ya go!


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## Omar B (Jul 1, 2010)

The only limitations on your dating pool are being placed there by you.  Your tools are *self esteem* and some *disarming humor*.  My best friend is in a wheelchair, but he does well.  He makes jokes about giving go kart rides and turns his disability into something that's intriguing and cool.  I have another firend who is quite short, but when he talks to women he uses humor and says things like "I don't usually date tall women, but I'll make an exception for you."  They react well, laugh and realize that this guy may be short but he's sparked intrest and in many cases, attraction by showing confidence and humor in one fell swoop.

Confidence man, turn whatever you think is your flaw into something to be proud of because we should all be proud of who and what we are on all levels.  If we are not
_
To live, man must hold three things as the supreme and ruling values of  his life: Reason&#8212;Purpose&#8212;Self-esteem. Reason, as his only tool of knowledge&#8212;Purpose, as his choice of the happiness which that tool must  proceed to achieve&#8212;Self-esteem, as his inviolate certainty that his mind is  competent to think and his person is worthy of happiness, which means: is worthy  of living. - Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged_


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## Rich Parsons (Jul 1, 2010)

girlbug2 said:


> I hate to say this, but some of it has to do with relative heights. Regardless of race, most women seem to want to date men who are somewhat taller than themselves. Not fair IMO, but it appears to be a biological reality.


 
I am 6'3" or 190.5 cms tall. 

I like tall women even if they are taller than I am. But what you say is true. They do not like to feel like they are towering over the man they are with. Or worse has face to her chest. 

Not that there are that many women taller than me, and single, but the few that were or are do seem to like taller guys.


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## Touch Of Death (Jul 1, 2010)

LoneRider said:


> I've since recovered from the funk I was in regarding my last post on my dating life. I've started an OKCupid profile and have run into my share of women on the site and my confidence around women has increased (I feel I'm growing beyond a painfully awkward adolescence).
> 
> Out of curiosity I've looked up the idea of dating white women as an Asian male and some of what I've run into does support the fact that I have a smaller pool of potential dates and I'm comfortable with that. It seems that most Asian/Caucasian couples I see are with an Asian female and a Caucasian male and rarely the other way around. I'm perfectly comfortable with the fact that I refuse to date my own race because Asian women (at least to me) are too reminiscent of relatives to turn me on.
> 
> ...


You really have to consider that a very large number of interracial couples are a result of The US military having bases in foreign countries; so, the number of white men with oriental women would be drasticly reduced if not for this fact. I too joined a bunch of dating sites recently, but they want, like, money and stuff; so, alas, I am looking around and dealing with people in person. 
Sean


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## Blindside (Jul 1, 2010)

Touch Of Death said:


> You really have to consider that a very large number of interracial couples are a result of The US military having bases in foreign countries; so, the number of white men with oriental women would be drasticly reduced if not for this fact.
> Sean


 
True, but you should try looking around a major college campus like the UW in Seattle, the trends there aren't due to enlistment in the military.


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## Tez3 (Jul 1, 2010)

Wait till you get older...you'll be grateful for anyone lol!


My daughter only likes short men and yes she's taken! She's a jockey and everyone she knows is short....like five foot and maybe an inch or two.

Omar you are spot on!

Me, I like men... but I like Service men ( and Service women as friends) we share the same humour which is very important when it's as bad as ours lol!


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## Omar B (Jul 1, 2010)

Tez3 said:


> Wait till you get older...you'll be grateful for anyone lol!
> My daughter only likes short men and yes she's taken! She's a jockey and everyone she knows is short....like five foot and maybe an inch or two.
> Omar you are spot on!
> Me, I like men... but I like Service men ( and Service women as friends) we share the same humour which is very important when it's as bad as ours lol!



Well I'm glad someone understands my methods.


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## LoneRider (Jul 3, 2010)

Thanks for the inputs guys. I'm hanging in there. I've been hearing from friends there seems to be an upsweep in the number of Caucasian women that like Asian men, and that's encouraging.


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## Omar B (Jul 3, 2010)

Dude, I don't get your obsession with the race thing.  As many of us stated, it doesn't matter, be confident, funny and forthright and it'll work out.  There's no secret for "hunting white women," I think you are using this race thing as an excuse to be shy and not put yourself out there.

I used to be shy and have a hard time talking to women naturally.  So I spent a week talking to every girl I saw.  On the bus, train, on campus, at the pizza place, nothing big, just pleasantries.  What's the worse that can happen?  She ignores you, she asks you to leave her alone?  That's nothing, and belive me, people don't get angry for you saying "Hi, how ya doin'?"


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## Tez3 (Jul 3, 2010)

Omar B said:


> Dude, I don't get your obsession with the race thing. As many of us stated, it doesn't matter, be confident, funny and forthright and it'll work out. There's no secret for "hunting white women," I think you are using this race thing as an excuse to be shy and not put yourself out there.
> 
> I used to be shy and have a hard time talking to women naturally. So I spent a week talking to every girl I saw. On the bus, train, on campus, at the pizza place, nothing big, just pleasantries. What's the worse that can happen? She ignores you, she asks you to leave her alone? That's nothing, and belive me, people don't get angry for you saying "Hi, how ya doin'?"


 

*Exactly*!!

This is like the thread on feeling bad after hurting someone who was attacking you....too much overthinking and analysing. As Bruce Lee said, 'don't think, do'. 
Don't imagine you are chatting women up, imagine passing the time of day with another human being, be pleasant, chat to a woman the same as you'd chat to anyone,  something will come out of it, whether you gain a friend or girlfriend but don't appear desparate. Chat to all women don't pick out just those you think you might fancy, you never know who your soul mate might be, so just be pleasant to all women, older and younger, just practice being conversational, not creepy and you may not get a partner out it, though I reckon you will but certainly you will have nicer days.


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## Omar B (Jul 3, 2010)

Yeah Tez, talk to everyone.  You may make a friend, new girlfriend or a nice girl who introduces you to her single friend.  Nothing happens sitting back in fear of what could possibly happen (which is usually way worse in our heads).

As Tez said, pleasantries.  Women are way better at reading people than men generally, and they are even more acute of when they are being hit on.  So don't hit on them.  What that will trigger is a response in her that says "He's interesting, not the type of looser who just wants to sleep with me."


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## LoneRider (Jul 3, 2010)

My situation's got some unique aspects though. I'm stationed in the middle of nowhere at the moment and most of the women I run across on a daily basis are off limits (spouses or lower ranking enlisted personnel who are off limits for soldiers of my rank).


However Omar B and Tez3 I see your point I could practice conversation (initiating and the like) without any fear of rejection. Safe conversation to build up confidence - just like training and rehearsal for missions.

As for the race thing I bring it up due to the fact that I know I work with a rather reduced dating pool to begin with. I refuse to date other Asians due to several family conflicts in my past involving my dating preferences. My relatives kept pressing me to 'date within our race' and I am in a continual state of refusal to do so. That's where that preference of mine stems from.


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## Cryozombie (Jul 3, 2010)

LoneRider said:


> As for the race thing I bring it up due to the fact that I know I work with a rather reduced dating pool to begin with. I refuse to date other Asians due to several family conflicts in my past involving my dating preferences. My relatives kept pressing me to 'date within our race' and I am in a continual state of refusal to do so. That's where that preference of mine stems from.



Eh.  Just tell the women you are only Asian from the waist up.  

You know what I'm talking about... oh yeah...





Good at Math.  You know, that big Asian brain.   *snicker snicker*

Sorry.  I had to.


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## LoneRider (Jul 3, 2010)

> Eh.  Just tell the women you are only Asian from the waist up.
> 
> You know what I'm talking about... oh yeah...
> 
> ...



Hilarious. Really you had me laughing with that one...I actually might use that in conversation one of these days for the sake of humor...


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## Lynne (Jul 3, 2010)

From an older and wise (I hope) female perspective, I would say it's important to become friends with a woman you are interested in.  Say hello often.  After awhile, maybe bring one flower.  Ask her out for coffee or tea.

Before I married, I dated men whom I never thought I would date. I was a secretary in the Department of Mechanical Engineering and Mechanics at a local university.

The students were largely Asian (including the middle east), Iranians, Turkish, and Saudi Arabian.

I wasn't physically attracted to any of them really.  However, I became friends with many of them as I was close to their age.  One Lebanese guy hounded me for awhile.  He kept asking me out and I kept saying no.  He made it a point to come by and say hello to me every day.  I finally agreed to have coffee with him.  We ended up dating for two years.  I really couldn't even begin to know him until we had a chance to sit down and talk.

I also dated some of the Indian men.  I never found any of these men "physically" attractive until I started dating them.  I would have never gone out with any of them unless I knew them beforehand.  (I can tell you horror stories about blind dates no matter the race.  Ugh.)


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## LoneRider (Jul 3, 2010)

Thanks Lynne. I appreciate the female perspective on the matter. It's just one of those issues I as an Americanized Asian American Male face in the dating arena - especially considering I've got a rather small dating pool to begin with. 

I'm at least encouraged because I had a date that was good and my date actually said that I was a great guy only the fact that I live far away was the only issue and that she couldn't have a romantic relationship with someone who lives over a hundred miles away. It happens but at least that taught me that there are women of my preferred demographic and type that will go out with me.


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