# Divorce/domestic situation self defense



## lonecoyote (Jun 22, 2006)

A recent development in my life, happy (seemingly) marriage has gone south in a hurry. There is a whole other side to my wife, probably brought on by her whole new life, which involves some pretty nasty folks doing some pretty nasty hobbies, mostly putting substances into their bodies. In the last 2 weeks, I've been almost run over, shoved, punched, had a lit cigarette flicked at me, and the dog sicced on me (dog wasn't going for it, though) This is from my wife, complete personality change, like living in a scary movie. But outside of my situation, few things have the potential for violence of turbulent domestic situations, especially in the furor that surrounds a headlong rush to splitting up. How do we defend ourselves, get through it, without cracking up, resorting to violence ourselves, (I WON'T hit my wife, her boyfriend may be another story entirely) or otherwise losing it. Especially since there is no reasoning with the other person. Help


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## Carol (Jun 22, 2006)

Men can be subject to domestic violence just as much as women. 

I would strongly suggest reporting the threats and seeking out some legal protection.  You could need this documented in more ways than you may realize.


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## lonecoyote (Jun 22, 2006)

Well, do I just walk into the police station and lay it all out? Do I get a restraining order, and what is that precisely? Should I go and see a lawyer prior to doing either of the above actions? I have moved out, though I do live next door. I own three houses and I'm sleeping on my mom's couch. This has happened in the last few days, the escalation, and I'm worried other people will get involved (her new buddies). Can I evict her? She says she will be moving out the first but she is always completely tapped out due to her new hobbies despite working long hours, I would pay her to move out, pay for the divorce, etc, give her whatever she wants, just end this madness. She stays up for days at a time and has a hollow look. Spooky.


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## Blotan Hunka (Jun 22, 2006)

Any cops on this board?


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## lonecoyote (Jun 22, 2006)

I know of a few, sure hope they weigh in on this. This problem is probably pretty common, couples splitting up, emotions are high. Replies to this thread would be greatly appreciated on a personal level, and maybe we could help some other people, men and women too. Thanks.


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## Carol (Jun 22, 2006)

Definitley go to the police and tell them about it.  

A restraining order is a legal order to keep one person a certain distance from another person, but the details may vary according to situation and local law.  The police may be able to help you here too.

Yes, you should DEFINITELY contact a family law attorney immediately.

Eviction may be taken care of with a restraining order, or you may have to go to housing court.  Or both, or neither.  A lot depends on your local law. 

But, you are being threatened by people and that is nothing to ignore.  You may have some illegal junk brought in to your house and that may put you at additional legal risk.  

Either way, don't sit on all this...talking to the cops may not be one's fave thing to do, but it can be a good place to start.


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## Swordlady (Jun 22, 2006)

Definitely file a police report, ASAP - especially because your life may be in danger.  As Carol said, domestic violence does occur to men as well; you are not the first one to experience such treatment.  It is also good that you physically removed yourself from the situation, but I would still look into getting a restraining order (not just for your wife, but also for her boyfriend).  

I hope all goes well for you; please keep us posted.


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## shesulsa (Jun 22, 2006)

Get a lawyer.  File a complaint with the Police department.

The whole "eviction" thing depends upon any premarital agreement you may or may not have regarding your real estate and whether or not you have a rental agreement with her.  Likely, you do not have the latter.  If you have the prior, you will require legal action, most likely, to have her removed from the premises.

Get a lawyer and file a complaint with the police department.

If you fail to report this to the police along with your fears and an outline of your physical abilities and fear for your life, you will be judged as not being that worried about the situation.  In retrospect, you will understand exactly why you need to take this action.  From someone who's been there, take it from me ...

Get a lawyer and file a complaint with the police department.

You might need two different attorneys - one who practices family law and the other who practices real estate law ... or one who is familiar with both.  I won't ask you about your marital financial situation, but part of what happens next depends on it.

Get a lawyer and file a complaint with the police department. 

Consider seeking assistance from the YWCA - they will help men who are being abused.  You might get looks and encounter frightened women, but go there.  It goes on record that you did, which is good, and you might get a location of a group for battered men.

And just in case I'm not clear on this, get a lawyer and file a complaint with the police department.


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## Gary Crawford (Jun 22, 2006)

Lonecoyote, First, I am very sorry to hear you are in the situation. As far as protecting yourself goes, what I did when my world crashed worked quite well. I got out of there quickly and went 700 miles away to sort it out and put distance between me and those that I could have hurt at the time. Last thing you need to happen is you end up arrested over something that's not your fault.


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## arnisador (Jun 22, 2006)

lonecoyote said:
			
		

> Should I go and see a lawyer



Yup.


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## pstarr (Jun 22, 2006)

I agree with the advice you've already been given...get a lawyer IMMEDIATELY AND BE SURE TO FILE A POLICE REPORT.  It'd be a good idea to get a restraining order, too.

     I'm sorry to hear about your situation but you have lots of company - it happens to the best of us!  Stay strong, stay centered.  That's easier said than done, especially when emotions are running high.  And let us know if we can be of any help-


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## evenflow1121 (Jun 22, 2006)

I feel for you man, you seem like a good guy.  I went through a pretty long term and sour relationship in my life, and it was hell, and as much as I loved that person at the time, I realized that no matter how hard I tried to get them to see better, people will only change when they want to.  If your wife is not willing to change and if she already has a bf as you say may be you should move away, I did and in the end it was for the best.  It not going to get any better any time soon, and it is not going to be an easy road, but one day when you can put this behind you ,you will realize that no matter how much you love people, you can only do so much for them, in the end it is their choice to change.  My prayers are with you.  Oh and definately consult a lawyer.


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## Kacey (Jun 22, 2006)

I agree that you should consult a lawyer, and file a police report.  When I was being stalked/harassed, I blew a lot of it of, until it hit a boiling point and I ended up filing for a restraining order.  The only comment the judge made was "what took you so long"?  For your own safety and future protection, you need to document these events, especially in case you are forced to physically defend yourself; while domestic abuse goes both directions (male to female and female to male), without such documentation it may be harder to prove.  An established pattern of behavior (i.e. attacking you and/or encouraging others to attack you) will help you if you have to defend yourself or counter-attack, and will also help you if you file for divorce, because it will document her behavior for the court.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this, and I wish you luck, long life, and happiness in your future - and please do keep us posted on how you're doing.


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## bcbernam777 (Jun 22, 2006)

lonecoyote said:
			
		

> Well, do I just walk into the police station and lay it all out? Do I get a restraining order, and what is that precisely? Should I go and see a lawyer prior to doing either of the above actions? I have moved out, though I do live next door. I own three houses and I'm sleeping on my mom's couch. This has happened in the last few days, the escalation, and I'm worried other people will get involved (her new buddies). Can I evict her? She says she will be moving out the first but she is always completely tapped out due to her new hobbies despite working long hours, I would pay her to move out, pay for the divorce, etc, give her whatever she wants, just end this madness. She stays up for days at a time and has a hollow look. Spooky.


 
A) Get a restraining order

B) If she has a boyfriend then she has been unfaithful, fair grounds for divorce

C) Try to reconcile, give her an ultimatum (soemwhere safe of course), either she seeks help or the marriage is finished

D) If this destruction is ongoing, and she refuses to come to the party, then its time to move on, *do it*.


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## Drac (Jun 23, 2006)

As far as a cops point of view..Get a lawyer and *THEN *file a police report..If it's Friday and you can't see your attorney until Monday go to the station ASAP and advise them of the whole story..Been to my share of domestics and a lot of times the male was faultless..


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## MJS (Jun 23, 2006)

lonecoyote said:
			
		

> A recent development in my life, happy (seemingly) marriage has gone south in a hurry. There is a whole other side to my wife, probably brought on by her whole new life, which involves some pretty nasty folks doing some pretty nasty hobbies, mostly putting substances into their bodies. In the last 2 weeks, I've been almost run over, shoved, punched, had a lit cigarette flicked at me, and the dog sicced on me (dog wasn't going for it, though) This is from my wife, complete personality change, like living in a scary movie. But outside of my situation, few things have the potential for violence of turbulent domestic situations, especially in the furor that surrounds a headlong rush to splitting up. How do we defend ourselves, get through it, without cracking up, resorting to violence ourselves, (I WON'T hit my wife, her boyfriend may be another story entirely) or otherwise losing it. Especially since there is no reasoning with the other person. Help


 
Sorry to hear about the situation you're in.  Reading what you're saying, it seems to me anyway, that the chances of trying to work things out, ie: seeing a counselor, etc., are pretty slim.  I'd definately seek some legal help as well as help from the police.  However, IMO, if you're being subjected to physical assaults, I'd definately contact the police even if you haven't already contacted a lawyer.  Get the documentation started.  I'd also seek a restraining/protective order ASAP.

Good luck to you.

Mike


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## Brian R. VanCise (Jun 23, 2006)

MJS said:
			
		

> Sorry to hear about the situation you're in. Reading what you're saying, it seems to me anyway, that the chances of trying to work things out, ie: seeing a counselor, etc., are pretty slim. I'd definately seek some legal help as well as help from the police. However, IMO, if you're being subjected to physical assaults, I'd definately contact the police even if you haven't already contacted a lawyer. Get the documentation started. I'd also seek a restraining/protective order ASAP.
> 
> Good luck to you.
> 
> Mike


 
Sorry to hear about your situation as well.  Mike's advice above is all very good.  I hope that things get better for you.

Brian R. VanCise
www.instinctiveresponsetraining.com


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## Lisa (Jun 23, 2006)

Sorry to hear lonecoyote about your situation.  I can only imagine your pain and I wish for you a speedy and peaceful resolution to this problem.

If no one has said it enough, I will say it again. 

Get a lawyer, file a complaint with the police.

document, document document and again document.

Avoid confrontation if possible and be very careful and stay safe.


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## Drac (Jun 23, 2006)

Lisa said:
			
		

> file a complaint with the police.
> 
> document, document document and again document.
> 
> Avoid confrontation if possible and be very careful and stay safe.


 
An EXCELLENT post...


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## John Brewer (Jun 23, 2006)

I'm sorry to hear it. I'm sure all of our thoughts and prayers are with you!


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## trueaspirer (Jun 24, 2006)

Definately do all that has been listed above. If you don't you will be in trouble up to your eyebrows. Keep us posted...


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## KOROHO (Jun 24, 2006)

I am glad to hear that you do not want to get violent with your wife.
But you have to leave now.  You don't necessarily need to get divorced, if you still think you can salvage something.

But this is a dangerous situation for you.  With her on drugs and unpredictably violent, she can easily grab a weapon or do something to you in your sleep.  Her "boyfriend" and the people they run with are also potentially dangerous to you.

Your best defense is to get away from it - perhaps even your only defense.  I am sorry to say this, but until she gets off the drugs and away from this crowd, you can not win.  She has to make the decision her self.

We read about crime all the time and it really seems like a violent world.  But unless you are in an abusive relationship, involved with drugs or gangs, you most likely will not be a victim of violent crime.  But you are in an abusive relationship, and there are drugs around.  Also, where ever there are illegal drugs, there are gangs not too far away.  You live in the most violent and dangerous of worlds.

Again, I am sorry.  But save yourself first.  If they kill you, you will not be able to try and save your wife.


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## hongkongfooey (Jun 25, 2006)

1st. Document the abuse. Go the the police and file a report. These days a man is considered guilty until proven innocent when it comes to domestic violence.

2nd. Contact an attorney.

3rd. Now don't take this the wrong way. Contact you doctor to set up tests to check for STD's. You said she has a boyfriend and may be using drugs. If you have had recent sexual relations with her get yourself checked out to make sure your health isn't in danger.

4th Cancel any joint credit card accounts and transfer any monies to an account that she can't access. Why make it easy for her to put you in debt, or to blow your savings on her boyfriend or drugs.

5th Remove yourself from the situation. 

It sucks but you need to protect yourself.


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## still learning (Jun 25, 2006)

Hello, 1. Get a divorce lawyer....then you follow his advice

         2. Drugs is a form of self-suicide/self-destruction...once on it...no turning back...unless they seek help.

         3. Hope no kids are involved here....take care...time is the best medicine....in time...sometimes long times/years...for healing.  keep yourself busy. Find new things to do also.

It is always easy for others to give advice...going thru it is hell.....Aloha


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## arnisador (Sep 16, 2006)

Hope things have improved since this, *lonecoyote*.


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## Ceicei (Sep 16, 2006)

lonecoyote,

How are you holding up lately?

- Ceicei


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## jks9199 (Sep 16, 2006)

Drac said:


> As far as a cops point of view..Get a lawyer and *THEN *file a police report..If it's Friday and you can't see your attorney until Monday go to the station ASAP and advise them of the whole story..Been to my share of domestics and a lot of times the male was faultless..


I agree.  The sequence (lawyer to cops/cops to lawyer) isn't that important, unless your in immediate danger of injury.  Then it's time for a cop, not a lawyer!

As to restraining orders and other things -- those processes are different in each state.  

And -- if you're forced to defend yourself -- try to DEFEND only; avoid counter-attacks.  It's too easy for a tired, rushed cop to make a bad assumption if she's injured and you're not.  Or if her boyfriend is injured...  Keep 'em from hurting you, and get the hell out of there.


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## Fu_Bag (Sep 16, 2006)

hongkongfooey said:


> 1st. Document the abuse. Go the the police and file a report. These days a man is considered guilty until proven innocent when it comes to domestic violence.
> 
> 2nd. Contact an attorney.
> 
> ...


 

Outstanding advice!!!

My condolences, empathy, and best wishes go out to you. 

Fu Bag


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## tradrockrat (Sep 16, 2006)

Drac said:


> Get a lawyer and *THEN *file a police report..If it's Friday and you can't see your attorney until Monday go to the station ASAP and advise them of the whole story




Absolutely what i was going to say

do it and do it now - you'll thank yourself later.


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## Touch Of Death (Sep 16, 2006)

I know a friend going through the same thing. His gis wife has even tried siding up to me, but I am just as horrified as everyone else about what is happening. There is no talking about it at this point. 
Sean


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## Senjojutsu (Sep 16, 2006)

Lonecoyote

What isn&#8217;t being said is you need to get a good lawyer, experienced in divorce.

This will be difficult to find at a reasonable rate who will work to settle this matter quickly - for legal time is MONEY. 

I also hate to depress you, but understand the journey you are about to commence. There is no more sexist place in America than the justice handed out daily in state probate/family courts. You piss standing up - you are at a disadvantage.

Also remember divorce courts are all local politics. Your hot shot legal eagle Cousin Vinnie coming in from 500 miles away is not good option.

My very competent FEMALE divorce attorney helped me a lot during this period. I remember the day she said to me; &#8220;John an equitable divorce settlement is when both parties walk away miserable.&#8221; 

That was great news that warmed my heart, as I was paying her is six minute billing increments. However she was focused and professional and feisty when needed.

Mediation may be an option, but both parties have to be in a &#8220;relatively sane&#8221; state of mind and mature individuals. And to be blunt - a restraining order, and counter-restraining orders or the inevitable accusations against you will kind of poison the mediation well. 

You may think I&#8217;m bitter. Of course I am, I&#8217;m a divorced male. But the funny thing with the passage of time and watching other divorces play out - is how lucky I was, as painful as it was (for me) at the time. You must endure the bad times so you may enjoy the coming good times.

So I will leave you with divorce humor: (I heard them all during my divorce, lawyers are closet stand-up comics BTW).

Q: Why do divorces cost so much?
A: Because they&#8217;re worth it.


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## Drac (Sep 16, 2006)

Senjojutsu said:
			
		

> What isnt being said is you need to get a good lawyer, experienced in divorce


 
Probably the *MOST *important piece of advise yet...Also keep a log of every incident, times, dates, other parties involved /witnesses..Keep it someplace she wouldn't look..


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## jks9199 (Sep 16, 2006)

Senjojutsu said:


> Lonecoyote
> 
> What isnt being said is you need to get a good lawyer, experienced in divorce.
> 
> ...



Excellent advice; anytime you need a lawyer, you need the BEST lawyer you can get -- not the cheapest!  And they need to know the type of matter you've got, whether it's getting a divorce attorney (and not your Cousin Vinnie who does wills) for a divorce case, or a criminal attorney with extensive experience in domestic cases to help defend you in a domestic case (just to use examples from this thread).  

And just about any family court that I've heard of in the US has a very, very strong bias towards the wife/mother.  The judges will deny it...but the results speak for themselves.  Or -- the women are getting all the good attorneys!


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## Drac (Sep 17, 2006)

jks9199 said:


> Excellent advice; anytime you need a lawyer, you need the BEST lawyer you can get -- not the cheapest! And they need to know the type of matter you've got, whether it's getting a divorce attorney (and not your Cousin Vinnie who does wills) for a divorce case, or a criminal attorney with extensive experience in domestic cases to help defend you in a domestic case (just to use examples from this thread).
> 
> And just about any family court that I've heard of in the US has a very, very strong bias towards the wife/mother. The judges will deny it...but the results speak for themselves. Or -- the women are getting all the good attorneys!


 
An *EXCELLENT *post...Read and Heed....


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