# Snooping



## kid (Mar 2, 2006)

So my girlfriend was snooping around in MYSPACE, not herspace, and she thought that she had found some incrimanating stuff.  She confronted me about these matters and I told her how old they were and that they happened before I had even met her, and that I had taken care of them. ( it was another girl who had writen me a message)  So I guess what I am saying is I feel like she doesn't trust me, or something I really don't understand what or how I feel about it and I asked her why she was snooping in the first place and I got a really poor excuse.  Can I get any insight from anybody who knows a thing or two?  I would appreciate any advice on the matter also.  Thanks

Mark


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## KenpoTess (Mar 2, 2006)

Hey Kid 

It's her insecurity, not you.. Some women, even though they Know they're the only one, just can't get past feeling inadequate and need to feel totally secure.  Does this mean they're not the one for you? Not necessarily, it just possibly means they have had an area in their past that has made them feel the way they do, bad relationships ..etc.
We're all human and most females are curious creatures.. Not sure what makes us tick and I've been one all my life    If you care for her.. let her know you're there for her and understand the curiousity.. unless you're doing something 'on the sly' from her.. you have nothing to hide.  

Or... she's just a nosey sort who likes to snoop and entrap.. it's your call as you know her and we don't..  
Just some thoughts for you 

~Tess


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## terryl965 (Mar 2, 2006)

Kid it does not matter girl or booy man or woman we all have a tendecy not to trust 100% in this day and age.
One can not and should not blame her and just go on together once you been together for so long that mold is growing than this will and should stop.
Terry


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 2, 2006)

This is why I never keep a private journal. Things are only private till your girlfriend finds them.  
Sean


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## Jade Tigress (Mar 2, 2006)

Well...she was wrong to be snooping and it's normal to feel kind of violated. She needs to be reassured of her trust in you, and at the same time you have to be able to trust her. All in all, what she did was wrong, but not uncommon. Would you be tempted to snoop HER myspace messages? Are you willing to forgive her? You two need to talk about it.


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## kid (Mar 2, 2006)

I just got e-mail from her cousin about this.  She is saying that I am a cheater. I am going to talk to her and get to the bottom of this its insaneI don't know if ourrelationship will survive the weekend. I'll tell you all what happens thanks for the advise and insight.


Mark


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## Jade Tigress (Mar 2, 2006)

Good Luck Mark. Let us know how it goes. :asian:


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 2, 2006)

Let this be a lesson to you. Don't keep momentos of past relationships. (that are obvious)
Sean


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## evenflow1121 (Mar 2, 2006)

How old are you and how old is she?

Myspace is funny in many ways, there is so much drama there. I guess it all depends on you, if you feel this girl is a good thing for you then it should not hurt you to delete the comment, if you feel this girl is not the one for you or this kind of attitude bothers you that much then end it. 

It all depends man, if the person that left the comment on your site was some girl you dated but dont even talk to anymore I wouldnt worry about it, if it was your previous girl friend I can see why she may be upset.


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## Andrew Green (Mar 2, 2006)

General rule to remember - anything posted anywhere on the internet is public, and not only is it public it is out of your control as soon as you post it.  It will be indexed, cached, and stored in all sorts of funny places and you can not take it back.

And if she doesn't trust you and believe your story she's probably not the girl for you, cause it will likely come up again in some other form.


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## Makalakumu (Mar 3, 2006)

Mark, I like Jess, but I think that you should remember that there are lots of girls out there.  You are a good man and you have some good stuff going for you right now.  If you are serious about trying to find the right one, just let it happen.  Maybe she just made an immature mistake...but that goes with the territory.  She is only 19.  

The bottom line is that this relationship won't work if there is no trust.  Both of you will ALWAYS be unhappy and its probably best to end it if you both cannot find it within yourselves to trust each other.  This is something you should comunicate to her.  Use the words, "we need to trust each other or this won't work," not "you need to trust me or this won't work."

Showing that trust goes both ways, goes a long way...


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## Bigshadow (Mar 3, 2006)

Also keep in mind, if the relationship is in the early stages, there is always a certain amount of uncertainty regarding trust. Trust is something that is earned over time, not something that is either there or not there from day one.  Not to say that it cannot be, but generally there must be a long (relative) history of behavior that earns trust.  So if you two are fairly early in your relationship, I can see how this could happen.  Trust is a funny thing.

Also, as Sean pointed out, it isn't very reassuring to her when there mementos kept from previous relationships.  All of this works both ways.


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## someguy (Mar 5, 2006)

Remember this and remember it well.  Women are eviii...gah don't no wait stop...Help please some one.
Ah I mean wommen are not at all evil.


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## BrandiJo (Mar 5, 2006)

women can be very unforgiving even for this miss interpreted(ask my fiencie) but if shes not willing ot hear your side of it maybe its best how things are headed


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## Sarah (Mar 5, 2006)

If this info was on the net for anyone to see then its hardly private. So the question really should be why do you feel upset that your girlfriend was looking at your web site when it is ok for this ex (and anyone else on the net) could leave you a message there?

Sounds like maybe your girlfriend has reason for concern if you are being secretive with her and holding on to messages from ex's for the whole world to see.


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## Jade Tigress (Mar 6, 2006)

Sarah said:
			
		

> If this info was on the net for anyone to see then its hardly private. So the question really should be why do you feel upset that your girlfriend was looking at your web site when it is ok for this ex (and anyone else on the net) could leave you a message there?
> 
> Sounds like maybe your girlfriend has reason for concern if you are being secretive with her and holding on to messages from ex's for the whole world to see.


The info was private. She had to have his password to access the messages, he is the only one who is able to see them, everyone else just sees a profile page. She has a myspace page too. I'm betting if he used her password to view her private messages she'd get pretty pissed even if there wasn't a questionable message. 

It's a sticky but common situation, especially early in a relationship when both parties are trying to determine the trustworthiness of the other. On one hand she feels unable to trust him because she found a message he kept, on the other, he feels unable to trust her because she stole his password and snooped on a private page. It may be best for them both move on with lessons learned.

Hey Kid...what's going on with you and g/f now?


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## Sarah (Mar 6, 2006)

Jade Tigress said:
			
		

> The info was private. She had to have his password to access the messages, he is the only one who is able to see them, everyone else just sees a profile page. She has a myspace page too. I'm betting if he used her password to view her private messages she'd get pretty pissed even if there wasn't a questionable message.
> 
> It's a sticky but common situation, especially early in a relationship when both parties are trying to determine the trustworthiness of the other. On one hand she feels unable to trust him because she found a message he kept, on the other, he feels unable to trust her because she stole his password and snooped on a private page. It may be best for them both move on with lessons learned.
> 
> Hey Kid...what's going on with you and g/f now?


 
Well that makes sense then....how on earth did she come across your password?


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## Jade Tigress (Mar 6, 2006)

Sarah said:
			
		

> Well that makes sense then....how on earth did she come across your password?



Good point..


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## Kreth (Mar 6, 2006)

He probably stores his porn in a folder labeled Windows Media Player Codecs too... :uhyeah:


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## kid (Mar 7, 2006)

Sorry It's been awhile.  I have been trying to find out whats going on myself.   Right after this happened it was our spring break at college and she went to her parents house.  She has kind of been hiding out there for awhile I called her once and got her answering machine then she called me at like 2 in the morning proffesing her love to me.  I am pretty sure she was drunk.  So who knows how reliable that is.  She was supposed to call me the next day and never did, and I haven't talked to her since.  I am not to sure about this one anymore.  I am feeling mixed emotions right now, and am trying to stay really busy to not let it bring me down.  I have all of my passwords writen down on a note pad for numerous email accounts and games and stuff, she could have gotten it from there.  Also about 4 months ago I had her sign me in cause she wouldn't move from the computer so I could see if I had any messages and I didn't want to make a big deal about it.  But that was 4 months ago, you are supposed to forget those things.  Plus I had nothing to hide.  I still don't it was no biggie to me that this happened, I took care of it, and I have no intimate feelings for this person.  Also I never delete any of my messages unless it says I don't have the room to store them, who knows maybe someday I will read them and be like "Wow what was I thinking" or "I rtemember that." No I don't keep porn on my favorites list, Its in a box near the TV.  Thats how I roll.  LOL.  I hope I get the chance to talk to her soon cause this distance is really awkward.  I am at my parents right now which is about a half hour from her parents, which is a lot closer than 3 hrs that I would have had to drive if I wanted to see her.  No I didn't come down here just to talk to her that would be creepy.  My parents asked me to paint their bathroom and one of their bedrooms.  so what do you all think?





Mark


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## kid (Mar 7, 2006)

evenflow1121 said:
			
		

> How old are you and how old is she?
> 
> Myspace is funny in many ways, there is so much drama there. I guess it all depends on you, if you feel this girl is a good thing for you then it should not hurt you to delete the comment, if you feel this girl is not the one for you or this kind of attitude bothers you that much then end it.
> 
> It all depends man, if the person that left the comment on your site was some girl you dated but dont even talk to anymore I wouldnt worry about it, if it was your previous girl friend I can see why she may be upset.


 

I am 24 she is 19.  I hardly ever delet my messages.  I only do when I get so many that it won't accept new ones, or if they are junk mail.  



Also I have a problem when a relationship starts to get more deep I turn tail and leave.  I purposely find things that I don't like and tell myself that I can't have that in my life or i'd go nuts.  I am really trying not to do that in this one but sometimes I do and I wonder if some of them actually are good reasons.


kid


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## Jade Tigress (Mar 8, 2006)

kid said:
			
		

> I am 24 she is 19.  I hardly ever delet my messages.  I only do when I get so many that it won't accept new ones, or if they are junk mail.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well, i would say if you are wondering if you're sabotaging another relationship over this, it would be yes. It's definitely something that can be talked about and worked out. You have to determine whether you like her enough TO talk and work things out. I wouldn't say this is break up material..just a bump in the relationship that could make you closer in the long run. You just have to decide if you want that with this person.


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## Touch Of Death (Mar 8, 2006)

There's your trouble right there. Women don't forget their boyfriends passwords.
Sean:whip:


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## bushidomartialarts (Mar 8, 2006)

i recommend fleeing for your life.

only joking a little bit.  if your g/f already feels like she a) gets to and b) has to snoop around in your stuff to find out if you can be trusted, that is what the experts refer to as a "really bad sign".

relationships need to be based on trust.  if she can't trust you to be honest with you, and you can't trust her to respect your privacy, that's two strikes agin' ya.

i'm no expert in women, but did my share of dating before meeting my lovely and talented wife.  a few of those women invaded my privacy like that.  none of those relationships worked out -- the lack of trust made it a long, hard haul.

be careful.


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## kid (Mar 8, 2006)

I can't wait to have this talk with her so I can finally now what the heck is going on.  I might be picky but I think that I should be, I am looking for the woman that is going to be there the rest of  my life possibly.  I think that I wanna give her another chance, but also I have to watch for the things that we talk about and if they keep coming back then I will end it.  wish me luck everyone.  Thanks for all of your input.


Mark


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## Sarah (Mar 8, 2006)

There are always two people that contribute to problems, you need to talk to her with out attacking her. If you have a history of sabotaging relationships it is possible you have been unknowingly driving her away and put her in a position where she feels she needs answers?

I think it is important that you take responsibility for your part in the relationship and not put sole blame on her. 

Like Jade said, this is an opportunity to open up with her and progress your relationship, just because someone makes a mistake doesnt mean you have to up and quit on them.

Forgiveness is a big part of relationships, you have both been hurt, weather she was right or wrong denying her feelings is a big mistake, it is important that you reassure her that theres no one else, she confronted you with this for a reason.

I dont understand why most are telling you to break up because she cant be trusted.....if we all quit on our partners the first time they let us down or disappointed us, we would all be single and bitter.
 
Talk to her with an open heart before you make any decisions, and good luck.


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## kid (Mar 8, 2006)

You are right.  It takes more than one to have a relationship.  I like her, thats obvious.  If she wants answers than she has to present a question to me or at least try to communicate what she wants to know.  I am not trying to just blame her, even though I feel I have done nothing wrong, she seems upset and I don't understand why.  She still hasn't called me, should I call her?  The first 5-6 months of this realationship were so easy and fun, why can't it stay like that?  


Mark


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## BrandiJo (Mar 8, 2006)

i can understand that, George and i had the best first 5 months after that things moved past the fun dating to oh hey this actuly could be serious stuff and then we actuly had to make an effort to havea good solid relationship. You are right tho if she wants information she should come to you and ask (im 19 George is 22 so i can relate to the age thing people are talking about) Its a matter of respect, even if i thought george was cheating  i would still confront him about it rather then snooping.


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## Sarah (Mar 8, 2006)

The very beginning of the relationship is always the easiest, its the honeymoon phase, where you see each other through rose tinted glasses, they can do no wrong in your eyes etc etc

Then real life kicks in and you start noticing they have little idiosyncrasies / habits that you dont like, this is a time of adjustment, this is when you learn that your perfect partner is human, and they have faults.

It really is worth sticking it out because after that is when you get the good stuff 


_Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault._ *[SIZE=-1]Dr. David M. Burns[/SIZE]*


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## kid (Mar 10, 2006)

Well for anyone who cares to know what happened, the verdict is in.  I want to start by saying thank you to everyone your advice was taken and put into my senario.  :asian:   So I called her yesterday and started off with some small talk and got into thinking (which is not always a good thing) about small things that I really didn't notice before.  So I pooled all of these thoughts and made a decision, now it was time to actually talk.  We talked about what bothered us about what happened and came to the conclusion that it was really nothing.  I told her some things that were bothering me, and asked herwhat she thought about that.  She responded, " Thats me Mark" Now someof these things I can handle but some are just too much.  So I told her "I can't be with a person like that."  thats when our conversation really got boring and empty and that also makes me think that there was never a big connection.  Infact I think that it was mostly a physical relationship.  We decided to stay friends, and I am pretty good at that all of my ex's are still my friends or at least friendly to my face as far as I know.  So that means I have another 3 to 4 weeks to call on her for a booty call.  :uhyeah:  In the mean while ladies beware a wolf is on the prowl.%-}   



Mark


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## Jade Tigress (Mar 11, 2006)

Well congrats on talking it out Mark. That is really what is needed in any relational situation, but for some reason is very hard to do. I'm glad talking it out helped you see the big picture and where you wanted to go with the relationship. Good luck with your future relationships, I hope this situation  provided a good learning experience for you in all aspects. Now, go get 'em tiger! lol


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## BrandiJo (Mar 12, 2006)

Im sorry it ended, but im glad you where able to sit down and talk about it maturly and come to a nice end rather then a shouting I hate you match  Im sure all this will be for the best and good luck in your next relationship


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