# Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See



## Bob Hubbard (Oct 25, 2001)

This section taken from a hilarious thread in rec.martial-arts.moderated. You will note some of the student descriptions are similar----I found it funny that I recognized every single one of the "students"---and so I didn't want to drop any of the variations. 

Question Lad (aka. What-If?): This guy will bring up every possible permutation for every drill that is being worked. Solution: Make him uki. 

Captain Slacker: Dogs the drills and sucks away the stunning dynamic experience that occurs during every class. ;-) Solution: Make him uki. 

The Interpreter: Seems to believe that explanations must be altered to so that the masses can understand them. Even when the masses are already doing the drill. Solution: Make him uki. 

The Whacker. Selflessly and altruistically strives to make each partner drill ultra-"realistic", for his partner's learning benefit. Leaves a wake of bruises, black eyes, and sprains behind him until he tries it on the wrong person. Solution: trade partners frequently, the right one will come along soon. 

The Silver Spoon. Has a unique blind spot that prevents him from seeing anything that needs doing around the dojo. This blind spot is so wide that he can't see an entire dojo floor full of other students with rags cleaning up. Solution: hand him a rag. Or make him uke. Gis make great cleaning rags, with or without a person in them. 

The Assistant Insructor. Possessed of a truly amazing learning curve, this specimen has absorbed enough knowledge in six months' study to be able to offer a flawless critique of others' practice. Undeterred by the presence of actual knowledge and experience. Solution: have him do heian shodan. As my sensei told me, "Nobody knows more about karate than a green belt. If you don't believe it, just ask him" 

The Vince Lombardi Wannabe: Believes only that a good offense is the best defense. Constantly attacks training partners at full speed to demonstrate this philosophy, leaving confused and disgruntled students in his wake. Solution: He/she feeds the instructor next time. 

The Whiner. Common source of "but that huuuuurts!" "I think I need to sit out for a moment," and "that's too hard!" during simple basic partner drills, including all light sparring. Solution: Take two Tylenol and put them back in. They'll either gain a little intestinal fortitude or they'll quit. (Note: the Tylenol is for YOU, not them.) (Note 2: I'm not talking real injury here----I mean the whimpering little whining that happens when someone gets an arm bar put on, so that the pressure on the arm "hurts my arm muscle." Things like that. People who simply canNOT get through an entire class without at least 2 brief class pauses while the instructor checks if the person is really hurt, or just whining yet _again_.) (And yes, I've got one of these. Arg.) 

The Toughman. Can take ANY technique, and "tough it out" according to him (it is almost always a him) Pressure points don't work (according to him), locks are something he can handle (according to him), and getting thrown/landed on/smashed/crushed/mangled is something where he can "take the pain, suck it up, and shrug it off." No matter what. Solution: make him uki MORE. 

The Cross-trainer. "White belt, you need to adjust your stance this way." "But sir, this is the way we did it in the last tkd/karate/aikido/judo/whatever class I was in. And I've noted you don't do [such and such] technique 'correctly' ---in my last class, the teacher said it was stupid to do it the way you do." Teacher: "Arg. Can I simply kill you now?" Solution: Manage to not show Little Grasshopper why you "do it that way," and simple explain that different classes do it different ways----and in THIS class, we do it MY way. 

The Primal Male. Women simply canNOT do techniques that would be effective against this man because, after all, they are women. Smaller, weaker, etc... Solution: Have the smallest high ranking female in class use The Primal Male as demonstration person for joint locks and throws. In front of the new students. (This person is common in many college programs, BTW.) 

The Mouth. Has the amazing ability to continue talking while you are standing in front of him stating that he should shut up. (If you're lucky, this only occurs in children's classes.) Solution: His partner gets 10 pushups everytime he opens his mouth. 

The Clueless: He's constantly doing stuff wrong. Even the simplest explanations bring a glazed look to his eye as he continues to be unable to improve. Solution: Can't think of a single one. [Ed. Note: Baseball bat. Hey, it is theraputic for the teacher.] 

The macho newbie: He's big, he's strong, and he knows it. Furthermore, there's no woman in the whole dojo that he couldn't knock out with his fabulous punch, and he's going to make sure that everyone knows it. Solution: Kick him in the groin.  (OK, so you can't really do that if you're the instructor, but you can tell the other students to do it!) 

The macho old-timer: He's big, he's strong, and he's been doing this a long time. Ain't no one in the place that better *ever* beat him at a drill, or they will pay the concequences. Solution: Kick him in the groin (Hey, Don got to use solutions over! , and then quickly move on to the next partner. 

The "in my previous dojo"'er: Need I say more?  Solution: send him on to his next dojo. 

Ninja Bob: is pretty sure that he is training to become a covert agent, and wants constant reassurance of the deadlyness of his/her endeavors. 

Every sifu's best friend: wants to be your 'best' student, but unfortunately can't deal with training in the group. It's not his fault really, but he's a kick *** private student at the no contact level. (you guys can call this "The Maurice" if you want) 

Mr. Agreeable: Yes, he understands. Yes, the drill makes sense, sure. Sure, keep it slow, watch the contact. (smile, nod) Oh, like that, right. ...Proceeds (as soon as your back is turned) to, in dazed confusion, invent his own damn drill, thank you very much, fast, out of control, and not at all similar to the original. 

Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate. She likes to think she's tough, but anytime someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to complain to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the women who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises they take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer. Solution: Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss when she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed to hurt a little bit" should be used often. Solution: every single time, without exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker. This will necessitate her learning to "whack" back. 

Ms. Self-Defense. She's read too many RMA threads, and truely believes that her intelligence will get her out of any struggle she may encounter. And if her intelligence doesn't work, then her legs will, because after all, women's legs are stronger than men's. Solution: Put her one on one with one of the smaller guys, and tell her to defend herself. 19 times out of 20, she'll find that her legs and her intelligence don't matter too awefully much. Every single time, without exception, pair Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I- do-karate with #9, the macho newbie. She will probably eventually get pissed off enough to WANT to let him have it. 

The glass menagerie: think that they should be able to learn how to fight without ever falling down, getting bruised or otherwise experiencing physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique, holds back and typically ends up being one of the first people to experience an injury. (Usually from not committing to the movement properly) Solution: time...they either learn or leave. 

The natural: has natural athletic ability which really does help him or her in the learning of MA. Is frequently lazy, however, since it doesn't seem that hard to learn. This person frequently gets bored and ends up leaving without fulfilling their potential. Solution: find something that challenges them (and make them uke?) 

Eclectic Man. Has done thirty other arts for one class apiece. Is just killing time until he can create his own martial art and associated web site (whose address he will repeatedly post to RMA). Hopes to be inducted to the "World Martial Arts Hall of Fame" as "Supreme Grandmaster of the Year" before his 23rd birthday. Immediate response to any drill is "In Armenian Tae Kung Kara Aikikenpojujutsu, they do X instead". Thinks you are jealous because his uniform has more patches on it than yours does. Solution: Make him uke. Preferably for "the Whacker" ;-)


----------



## Bob Hubbard (Oct 25, 2001)

Satori Man. Has read every single book or article ever written on Zen and martial arts. Owns stock in Shambala. Has never actually done zazen. Quotes koans at every opportunity. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was God. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was a Buddhist. Is fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component" Solution: Invite your friend Charlie, who has been teaching "X" for a couple of decades, to the dojo to teach a surprise special seminar...and thereby acquaint Satori Man with his own spiritual component by making him uke. 

Variant 1 on Satori Man: all this and has never done any MA training. Solution: make him stop talking and practice. He'll go away. I recall one kid who rebelled at being forced to hold the shinai with a right-handed grip. He'd read Go Rin No Sho and according to him, Musashi didn't do it that way. He lasted 2 classes. 

Jutsu Man. Flip side of "Satori Man". Believes he is the reincarnation of Miyamoto Musashi, John L. Sullivan, and Attila the Hun. Is dismissive of many "-do" forms because they "aren't practical" have "all that spirituality bull****", or are "just sports". Believes women "can't fight for ****". Solution: Invite a small, female, godan in Judo to teach him the meaning of the term "kata guruma"...and make him uke. 

The Ogler. The woman who is so busy oogling at the guys, she's not paying attention to what you're trying to teach her. In my experience, these are always beginners. One possible solution is to pair her up with a guy, ideally one of the guys she's oogling. That way, at least, I can go off and teach someone else or practice with someone who wants to train. Another solution is to throw her quickly and rather than help support the fall, let her weight drop completely. Doesn't leave quite the same bruises as punching, but can be pretty punishing all the same. Of course, *I* would never do this. 

The Drifter: Comes to class once every couple of months. Is completely clueless about the material currently being studied, but wants to be promoted to the next belt. solution: Relocate the dojo every once in a while. (Thats what my Sensei does) 

The Hasbeen: used to practice five or ten years ago, and has now returned. Thinks he knows just as much as the advanced students that studied with him then and haven't stopped. Tries very hard to prove he is just as good as them by using lots of force while doing the techniques. Solution: pair him up with one of said students. 


This is by no means an exhaustive list---but it certainly covers many of the non-normal "types" I've seen.  

-mod note : I'm posting some humor files I've got...I didn't write em, just like em.


----------



## Rob_Broad (Mar 7, 2002)

I didn't know there was a camera at my old school, i think I taught everyone of theose type, and I made them my uke.


----------



## deadhand31 (Mar 7, 2002)

what the heck is uke????


----------



## Rubber Ducky (Mar 7, 2002)

It's a Japanese term for "victim"...

Pierre


----------



## KumaSan (Mar 7, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Rubber Ducky _
> 
> *It's a Japanese term for "victim"...
> 
> Pierre *



hahahahaha...That's pretty good. I think I may use that...


----------



## tunetigress (Mar 12, 2002)

LMAO!  And now all us Ukrainians can officially relax! Sensei doesn't ALWAYS mean us when he's asking for a Ukei!!!


----------



## Bob Hubbard (Mar 12, 2002)

Yes he does.  

:rofl:


(I know....I know.... on my reseme, next to "White Belt for LIfe" it's also gonna say "Uki for Life")


----------



## deadhand31 (Mar 13, 2002)

The Biohazard: This student lacks even the most simian of hygiene skills. Rarely washes his gi or bathes. Leaves puddles of soupy sweat where he stands. Tends to flatulate in the do(jo)jang. Requires a long spray of Lysol to render the air breathable.  In extreme cases, releases excrement on the do(jo)jang floor. Most typically a kid. Frightening when not. Solution: Kick the bum out!!!!!

:mp5: :fart:


----------



## Ty K. Doe (Mar 25, 2002)

These are all awesome.  I must say that I identify myself as the hasbeen.  Been out for a few years, came back and everyone now outranks me.  I feel I should be better than them but know I am not.


----------



## Ty K. Doe (Mar 25, 2002)

Oh NO!  After re-reading I AM the hasbeen!  To a T.


----------



## TLH3rdDan (Mar 25, 2002)

lmao the biohazard is awesome i feel so sorry for the poor unsuspecting class that ends up with one of those (guess he is never ever ever uke)... i guess im just lucky i havent had one yet but i have had most of the others that have been listed...


----------



## Seig (Apr 19, 2002)

> _Originally posted by deadhand31 _
> 
> *what the heck is uke???? *


We call it "Crash Test Dummy"


----------



## Seig (Apr 19, 2002)

I Didn't see the "What-IF Man/Woman"-  This is an individual that no matter what technique you teach asks "What if......?"= Solution, make them a full speed/power uki.


----------



## migo (May 1, 2002)

#2 Question Lad


----------



## Nightingale (May 2, 2002)

how do you pronounce uke?  ooo-key or you-key? or none of the above?


----------



## bscastro (May 2, 2002)

In one of my old schools, we had a biohazard guy. I found out he ran 10 miles from home to the school to train. He had a natural "funk" which protected him against our attacks. Unfortunately, I was paired with him a couple times. He had like a wall around him and finally I had to ask the instructor to either talk to him or refuse to work with him.

Another type I might say is the _Video Warrior_ . This is someone with very little actual time spent with a real-life instructor who has most of their knowledge/training from watching martial arts videos. Not to be mistaken for people who do martial arts and try to supplement with videos. Here, the videos (or books) make up the majority of their "training." In an old school, one of these came in. It was interesting as he knew a lot of techniques, but couldn't really pull them off against a little resistance because he didn't actually learn them by training with someone. One day, he walked up to an assistant instructor and said, "Oh, I noticed you were working on [some advanced silat drill]. If you need help with them, let me know and I can show you." In any case, the assistant instructor handled it well I think by demonstrating a few of the techniques full speed on him. After that, he made the guy partner with me and told me (then a beginner-intermediate in that class) "Make sure you use 'proper intent' with these moves." with a little smile. Oh, and I did!

Cheers,
Bryan

p.s. A small clarification, the key to being a true video warrior is the cockiness that he knows the "system" or "style" of the videos that he watched. Which is what the person I mentioned did.


----------



## 928Porsche (May 2, 2002)

> _Originally posted by nightingale8472 _
> 
> *how do you pronounce uke?  ooo-key or you-key? or none of the above? *



In our dojo we pronounce it ookay.

:ninja:


----------



## Matt Stone (May 13, 2002)

Uke is pronounced "oo-kay," and means roughly "receiver."

Uki, or uke pronounced "oo-kee," is incorrect.  There is a Japanese word "uki," but that is a fishing bobber, not a training partner...

Just my humble 2 yen.

(In Japanese, there are only 5 vowel sounds.  Ever.  Period.  The are pronounced ah, ee, oo, ay, and oh.  They are represented in Romaji writing - when they transliterate Japanese from character writing into English letters - by the letters a, i, u, e, and o respectively.  Unfortunately, while we Americans are known for much good around the world, our multilingual skills are not listed among our strengths...  We should endeavor to either eliminate Asian language terminology altogether, or strive to learn how to speak those words we DO use correctly.  My buddy made the mistake of mispronouncing the Japanese word for "map" once, and it is a constant source of humorous criticism to this day...  Mispronunciation can be dangerous sometimes! )


----------



## Tachi (May 14, 2002)

Thanks for the laugh!  You'd be suprised at how many of those students I have had in my Tai Chi classes!:rofl: 

Tachi


----------



## IcemanSK (Aug 10, 2006)

I had to bump this. This is classic


----------



## SFC JeffJ (Aug 10, 2006)

IcemanSK said:
			
		

> I had to bump this. This is classic


Glad you did, it's a great thread.


----------



## stone_dragone (Aug 14, 2006)

I know all of them.


----------



## Kacey (Aug 14, 2006)

This is indeed classic - thanks for bumping it up for the rest of us!


----------



## kroh (Aug 15, 2006)

I think I am all of the above described students rolled into one (even the female ones).  Does that make me a bad training partner?

Great thread, 
Regards, 
Walt


----------



## KenpoSterre (Aug 22, 2006)

the hottie: comes to class with nails painted, hair straightened, uniform starched, make-up, and a push-up bra. Solution: 'accidentaly' make them mess up thier hair, chip their nails, etc. 

This speicimem should not be confused with girls who look good but do not have all of them. If someone has one or two of the things she is not considered the 'hottie'

the 'karate mom': very focues about their childs karate/martial arts mom. Complains if the child isnt sweating, constantly tells the instructors that the equitment isnt good. Has a bake sale (eek) to fund the dojo. Constantly asks when the child will be promoted and when they will become a blackbelt even if they are still a orange belt.  solution: make the mom the uki

speicmen should not be confuses with moms/parents who are dedicated. I am talking about the mom who constantly interferes with the class


----------



## Sam (Aug 23, 2006)

It would be interesting to see a reverse of this. Different kinds of positive students.


----------

