# Keeping my wife in TSD



## Shaolinwind (Mar 10, 2005)

My wife and I have studied along side eachother since the beginning.  We are near testing for our next belt however we've come to a bit of a problem.  She wants to quit.

 You see, she has a considerable threshold for pain which doesn't go well with her rather fragile physique.  As a result she is continuously getting hurt mostly by junior belts with poor control.

  I am not sure how to approach our instructor with this, or if I should.  How does she indicate that her sparring partners are too rough with her?  Just yesterday she took a kick in the ribs from a wiley green belt that left her in considerable pain.  It went un-noticed of course, and now she's afraid to go back.  

What on earth do I do now?  I don't want her getting roughed up all the time, but a woman living in the city should know how to defend herself. 

All your thoughts on the matter are welcome.


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## Lisa (Mar 10, 2005)

There is a big difference between learning to defend yourself and putting up with and getting hurt from an uncontrolled partner.  If everyone was constantly being hurt to a point of injury with their training partners, there would be no one left to train with.

 I would definitely talk with your instructor.  If there is a pattern with certain individuals hurting other students then he needs to deal with the situation and either get that student under control or remove him from class.  No one should have to constantly worry about injury in schools.  We all know it happens from time to time, but frequent injury shouldn't be an issue.

 I hope your wife doesn't quit.  MA is such an excellent life experience.  Let us know how it turns out.


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## KenpoTess (Mar 10, 2005)

Who want's to get hurt when they are training.. Maybe a few strange masochists.. 
I'm the pillsbury dough girl when I spar lower belts.. Been injured inadvertantly by wildly thrown kicks (spent a week on IV antibiotics for cellulitis as the result of a kick to the shin)  Not fun~!

So don the padding~!!  I wear forearm guards, hand guards, shin pads..when sparring lower ranks..  and have been known to wear them when working a Tec line with the  new students.. Nobody gives me flack.. I just learned the hard way.. 

I hope you can suggest this to your wife and she gears up.  Also talking to the instructor on the way side .. if there's particular students who are heavy hitters.. to not pair them up with her, etc.   She shouldn't be afraid to come back to something as wonderful as MA training.

Good luck~!

~Tess


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## glad2bhere (Mar 10, 2005)

Your wife needs some help. 

There is no reason that she cannot stay in TSD, but somewhere along the line she may not be making TSD "her TSD". From what I am understanding she trying to practice TSD as it is defined TO her and the result you have described would certainly be predictable. Certainly she ALWAYS has the option to leave the class and the training. Any time we are presented with a challenge it goes without saying that we can always leave. Thats kind of a no-brainer. However, if she wants to stay she is sending a message that TSD is important to her and she wants to find a way to make it TSD as SHE sees it and not the way it is imposed on her. I'm not saying that the teacher needs to shape some sort of special curriculum just for her, though if she had some sort of handicap or learning disability I would bet the teacher would make every effort to help out and be flexible. What I am saying is that everybody's training, practice and performance is different as they make the art their own. It sounds like your wife is willing to make a reasonable effort at doing this but needs some guidance and support in her efforts. 

If it were my wife I would ask her what SHE wants to do and HOW she wants to do it. Help her keep her feet on the ground by gently reminding her of limits that come into play as she considers decisions. Some of her options will make sense and some won't and she'll probably need help identifying the differences. And---- there IS always the chance she may just decide that enough is enough-----and that of itself is a decision as well. You wouldn't like her compelling you to stay involved in an activity that YOU had decided wasn't for YOU, right? On the otherhand, if she is willing to push the edges of the envelope despite limits that you and she have identified, I think she deserves your support and encouragement--- even if her decision isn't the one that maybe you would have picked--- or picked for her. FWIW. 

Best Wishes, 

Bruce


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## Kenpodoc (Mar 10, 2005)

1. Most important. Discuss this with the Instructor.
2. Encourage her to wear pads.
3. Talk politely to the offenders.
4. When all else fails explain to the offenders that if the behavior continues you will pair up with them. This step needs to be done carefully and has the potential to escalate the problem, but it has worked on several occasions for me. Several years back I was at a seminar with my then 13 year old son who was paired off with a much larger adult who was showing little control. (90 lb 13 yo vs 220 lb adult) My wife quietly asked me to switch partners. 30 minutes of my controlled response to his lack of control solved the problem. To this day his contro has improved dramatically.

Jeff


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## shesulsa (Mar 10, 2005)

1.  I concur that both of you need to talk with the instructor - how about you invite him over for dinner and cook it, leaving your wife and him/her to talk about things?

 2.  Get her some good gear should she decide to return.

 3.  Your teacher has a responsibility to see that she train in a progressive fashion - not one that will continually injure her.  That means that instructor must advise his/her students to back off a bit on more frail students until they become more hearty physically.  That can take time.

 4.  Support your wife in any decision she makes and back her up on it.  Encourage her to continue providing the above two stipulations are in place.

 5.  Do NOT seek revenge on her behalf (say, in a sparring situation or technique situation).

 6.  Post again and let us know how you all are doing.


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## Kenpodoc (Mar 10, 2005)

shesulsa said:
			
		

> 1.  I concur that both of you need to talk with the instructor - how about you invite him over for dinner and cook it, leaving your wife and him/her to talk about things?
> 
> 2.  Get her some good gear should she decide to return.
> 
> ...


I should have made this clearer. Do not seek revenge, mine was a very controlled response.  On the other hand it is important that you make it clear to her that you are supporting her and not just leaving her to the wolves. 

Jeff


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## JenniM (Mar 10, 2005)

I started training with my (now husband) some 25 years ago and have been ever since, in between having children, where he got the lead on me! - my training has been predominantly with males, the majority of whom have had the advantage on me over size! I have taken some knocks, unintentionally of course, and I am sure that I have dealt some - however the big difference here is that the Instructors have been on top of any "misplaced enthusiasm"! immediately letting all parties know what is and what is not acceptable - with grade comes great responsibility - this is true of beginners through to senior grades and what must be learnt within any dojo is mutual respect for your training partner - if a student is consistently showing bad control then he/she is also showing consistent disrespect. I am guessing this has knocked your wife's confidence a little, although from what you have said I would not worry about her defending herself on the street as she seems to have proven she can take the knocks but is just now getting fed up with it and quite rightly so. It really is up to your wife how she wants to handle this but I think a quiet private word in protected time with your Instructor should do the trick. I do hope that you continue your training together - it has certainly filled our lives over the years lol! GOOD LUCK and please tell your wife not to let others influence her chosen path.


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## Feisty Mouse (Mar 10, 2005)

BTW, welcome, Jenni!

I would definetly talk to the instructor(s) about the situation.  Part of it is also up to your wife.  it took me a long time (and I'm still working on it) to be able to tell someone to hit less hard, or change what they were doing, to suit me and my injuries.  

If she is burned out and wants a bit of a break, that sounds fine.  but it sounds more like she is tired of getting injured in practice, which I can understand!


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## Shaolinwind (Mar 10, 2005)

Thank you very much for the responses, you guys are really great. 
I will most definitely keep you posted on this.


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## TigerWoman (Mar 10, 2005)

I would talk with the instructor.  She shouldn't be paired with hard hitters as a beginner.  Juniors with lack of control should be paired with black belts.  I've had my share of bruises too before I spoke up.  Even from my own teenage son who was bent on showing off his technique as a high belt. 

I agree with GladtoBhere as she is not as they say "hooked" on it yet and she has yet to find her joy in even coming. This has to be realized slowly and without having to fear her workouts or sparring.  I hope she continues but it does have to be her choice.  It has been a journey for me that I wouldn't have traded for anything. She is lucky to have you to support her, but show her it can be done "her way". TW


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## DuneViking (Mar 10, 2005)

Greetings, 

These posts have it all

1-talk to the instructor

2- get some gear

3- pair up the tuff guys with tuff guys

4- remove the habitual offender(s) from class

I would add . . .

5- pair up the tuff guy with the instructor and _instruct_ them in control, explaining to them they are not to strike others in such a manner. Then _demonstrate_  control at various levels on them. 


Our instructor tells us, " Remember, its their turn next ", plus " We all have to go to work tomorrow". Furthermore, these would be to both partners that WANT to train a bit harder. We would never tolerate a situation as you described. We typically pair off like people. We do not tolerate over aggresiveness and lack of respect. We would not leave it up to you to pair off with the offender, WE pair off with the offender. 

We have some very young girls and boys as well as ladies and make sure they are protected by instilling that _attitude_ in all students. Those that don't or won't get it pair off with the high ranks belts until they do, or they stop comming.


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## Miles (Mar 10, 2005)

Good Luck keeping your wife involved in TSD!

I would simply add that your in-class sparring should be an exchange of techniques.  Both partners are to be learning.

The instructor should be supervising to ensure that no one is getting beaten on.

Is there a progressive sparring curriculum at your dojang? It sounds like you are sort of dropped into it and left to sink or swim?

Take Care,

Miles


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## Shaolinwind (Mar 15, 2005)

Chobaja said:
			
		

> My wife and I have studied along side eachother since the beginning. We are near testing for our next belt however we've come to a bit of a problem. She wants to quit.
> 
> You see, she has a considerable threshold for pain which doesn't go well with her rather fragile physique. As a result she is continuously getting hurt mostly by junior belts with poor control.
> 
> ...


 
Hi again! Everyone left such thought out responses and they have been exceptionally helpful.

 My wife Samantha spoke with the instructor who showed genuine consern for her problem and assured her that she would be paired with less aggressive fighters. She also made clear that Samantha does need to learn how to take a hit, but there is no reason she should get "knocked into the next county". Our Sa Bom Nim is really cool, possibly the most mild mannered woman I know.  I also went ahead and bought her nice sparring gear as one or two people suggested.  

Thanks again!  You guys are so helpful, I really like these forums a lot.

Gerald


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## shesulsa (Mar 15, 2005)

Good show, Gerald.  I'm glad to hear this!  Keep us posted as things progress!


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## Feisty Mouse (Mar 15, 2005)

Chobaja said:
			
		

> Hi again! Everyone left such thought out responses and they have been exceptionally helpful.
> 
> My wife Samantha spoke with the instructor who showed genuine consern for her problem and assured her that she would be paired with less aggressive fighters. She also made clear that Samantha does need to learn how to take a hit, but there is no reason she should get "knocked into the next county". Our Sa Bom Nim is really cool, possibly the most mild mannered woman I know. I also went ahead and bought her nice sparring gear as one or two people suggested.
> 
> ...


I'm glad to hear that changes are being made.  As your instructor knows, there's a difference between being able to take a hit, and continuously being smacked around in practice.  

I hope the changes have helped your wife feel more positive about her practice.


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## koga ha (Mar 18, 2005)

Chobaja said:
			
		

> My wife and I have studied along side eachother since the beginning. We are near testing for our next belt however we've come to a bit of a problem. She wants to quit.
> 
> You see, she has a considerable threshold for pain which doesn't go well with her rather fragile physique. As a result she is continuously getting hurt mostly by junior belts with poor control.
> 
> ...


it shouldn't hurt to learn ma...challenging, yes, but pain like you described, no.  that's just my two cents.


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## kenposikh (May 11, 2005)

JenniM said:
			
		

> I am guessing this has knocked your wife's confidence a little, although from what you have said I would not worry about her defending herself on the street as she seems to have proven she can take the knocks but is just now getting fed up with it and quite rightly so. It really is up to your wife how she wants to handle this but I think a quiet private word in protected time with your Instructor should do the trick. I do hope that you continue your training together - it has certainly filled our lives over the years lol! GOOD LUCK and please tell your wife not to let others influence her chosen path.




Just a few comments here I agree with JenniM's post re the training and also that the instructor should be on top of things when it comes to the sparring and it should be mentioned when control is lacking I spar with teenage girls and women as well as men I hasten to add however the style of my sparring varies depending on whom I am sparring I don't give people an easy time but I don't beat the crap out of them either, I allow strikes to go into me and if they're hard then good sometimes they get in without me allowing and that just makes me think Hmmmmm better not let that happen again 


However as JenniM has said you do need to have a private word with your instructor either your wife approaches him herself however if she feels she cannot do it alone then both of you need to speak to him. Show her your support for her. If your instructor is of good character then he should not take this as a criticism or insult but hopefully make him more aware of his responsibilities. When you are training you are in his care and and everything that happens to you is his responsibility.

anyway that's my pennies worth


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## searcher (May 14, 2005)

Some very good advice here and I am glad to hear that things are looking better.  As has been recently been brought up, the MA's are about the exchange of martial combat techniques and strategy.   It is most certainly not about kicking the crap out of your fellow classmates.    My wife, girlfriend at the time, went through a similar type of situation when she was preparing for her Sho-dan.   The higher ranking males in the class started trying to lay her out every time she would spar.   After talking it over with the head instructor and getting no help we had to work out a different strategy.   Currently we do not teach or train at his school, but on occasion we do attend a class there.   Though most of the other BB's have cooled down, there are still some that think it is funny to try and take her out.    The root of the problem is that she was the first woman to get her BB from that school.   Sometimes we have to take a different path to reach our goal.   Please keep this in mind if it becomes a problem again.


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## kid (May 18, 2005)

These rough people are everywhere.  I ran into some at one dojo and the landed a good round kick in the short ribs.  It hurt like heck.  Anyways i took it in stride and started again.  I noticed that he was throwing hard at me and was gonna say settle down, when i got popped again.  I kept my cool and instead of telling him to pull back a little i blassed him with a front kick in the gut that folded himover.  I didn't hurt him badly but he did start pulling back.



Kid


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