# Tactifool



## Bill Mattocks (Jan 4, 2017)

My wife just got a spam email for a 'tactical pen', which is (from what I can tell), a common ink pen with a black rubber gripping surface.

It claims to be the world's leading choice for military and police the world over.

Huh.

When I was a Marine MP, I carried a pen.  A 'Bic'.   Very tactical.   Oooh, scary stuff, kids.

And I find myself surrounded these days by guys in their twenties and thirties who have never served a day in the military, but they dress the part.  Kind of.  They try to cultivate the 'operator' look. 

It starts with tattoos.  Generally an entire sleeve or both arms, and perhaps an edgy "I don't really care if I can't find a job later" neck or face tattoo.

Then we've got the epic beard.  I'll give them credit for this, it's usually better than I can grow.  I don't know how they do it - I've seen kids in high schools with better beards that I can grow now.  Heck, in Marine Corps boot camp, I hardly had to shave - I was mostly cutting peach fuzz and zits.

Then the plaid shirt, or some kind of pseudo military shirt.  The 'Tapout' shirts seem to have gone away, but I still see them once in awhile; usually stretched over a belly that is bigger than mine.

Baseball caps for sure - usually designating some military service or another, or a famous police department.

Jeans have to be greasy for some reason - I guess to show they work on cars?

Doc Martens or boondockers round out the outfit.

They love them some jacked up four-wheel-drive vehicles, although from the looks of all that chrome and stuff hanging off them, they've never seen a non-paved trail, let alone really gone 'wheeling'.

Then we have the weapons.  Oh dear me, they do love them some black guns.   AR15, AK47, and of course all the FN-FAL and CETME and other fine semi-automatic versions of military weapons they can find.

And the accessories!  Wow, they sure have a lot of accessories!  Besides the weapon itself, they have aftermarket lasers, and usually iron sights AND one or even two optical sights as well.  Sometimes they have night-vision stuff.  Flash suppressors, hand guards, pistol grips, collapsible buttstocks, shortened barrels, trigger guards designed to allow extreme winter use with polar gloves on.  I'm surprised they don't have a thing in the stock which tells time.

They were all operators.  Let me tell you, they are all special forces.  They have more jump time than I have time in.  They have more wings than an angel.  More cloth on their combat ribbons than a Turkish bath towel.  

Well.

Just had to get this off my chest.  My non-hairy, non-tattooed, non-tactical chest.


----------



## drop bear (Jan 4, 2017)

Not really a thing that happens in my area.


----------



## Tames D (Jan 5, 2017)

Well, did she buy the tactical pen?


----------



## Buka (Jan 5, 2017)

Got a lot of chuckles from that post. (I'm sure the Goose Raspberry smoothies helped) (as well as being a really old fart)

Never had a tattoo, but thinking of getting one when I get my dog. Probably a small pic of his puppy face on my bicep. Folks have asked me "why don't you have any ink?" I always replied "because you don't put bumper stickers on a Ferrari." But that may change.

Trained a lot of guys. Lot of cops, lot of ex-military who were now cops, lot of protective services guys, lot of soldiers, but also a lot of mooks. When you first meet them in the group, they look awesome, just like you described. Shirts with "Kill them all, let God sort them out" emblazoned across their chests, or "Death From Above" or whatever. The bloused BDU pants, boots, cammo, a wrist brace here and there, placed more for looks than support, sleeves torn off, or cut just so, for freedom of movement of course.

I always dressed in kind. In "my teaching "outfit" for that kind of group. Usually a baggy, threadbare pair of grey sweatpants, which are more the consistency of an old towel than a sweat pant, and my favorite faded, white and yellow t-shirt with even more faded bunnies and kittens on it. (It's so fricken cute. No, really, it is)

It throws them off when you first walk in, or when they walk in and look to see who the instructor is. And there's always a giggle or a guffaw. But it's one of the easiest rooms to read in all of teaching. You see who's grouped with who, who's looking to who. In less than a minute you know exactly who you're going to use for what. And you know exactly who's going to ask the inevitable questions of "but what about when a guy does this?' Or "what about if it's a guy my size?"  And ask, they do. (God bless them, couldn't do it without them) That's usually when you pull the guy that giggled to the front.
It's all good though. Always liked those kind of groups. Fun to teach, don't have to worry about anyone complaining that they got hurt (they would never admit it) And I always got lots of t-shirts and caps out of the deal, which I usually gave away.

Kids. Gotta' love em.


----------



## Bill Mattocks (Jan 5, 2017)

My 'tactical' outfit for working out in the backyard.


----------



## Flatfish (Jan 5, 2017)

Bill Mattocks said:


> My 'tactical' outfit for working out in the backyard.



Well, at least you got the hat right.....


----------



## stonewall1350 (Jan 5, 2017)

Let's see. I'm in my 20s. I got the beard. That's more of a trend thing. But I also LIKE my beard. Has nothing to do with operating while I operate to the operation so I can say I operated as an a operator. And I have a 4 wheel drive truck. Because I'm an outdoorsy guy. It isn't jacked up, but it does look that way...because 4 wheel drive raises the truck. I have a "tactical" flashlight that was a gift. But it strobes. Which is great for dance parties, dogs, and idiots. 

No tats, a college football hat, and I do have a belly. But every man needs a toolshed. Never had tapout. I only have a few "plaid" shirts, but they are real plaid. Wool. And they are warm and comfy and naturally anti microbial so they don't stink. I never wear them. I live in Florida. Lol. 

But I saw the guy you are talking about. He works in the gun store. Or in the outdoors store. Lol. 

Me? I dress Florida tactical. Sandals. Cargo shorts. Sun glasses. I have my gun concealed and a Mag in the pocket. That's it. I don't look special. I find it funny when people try to cultivate those looks too. The look YOU are talking about is called the funker tacticool look and is also popular with former military guys. And yet? It looks ridiculous on them too. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Bill Mattocks (Jan 5, 2017)

stonewall1350 said:


> Me? I dress Florida tactical. Sandals. Cargo shorts. Sun glasses. I have my gun concealed and a Mag in the pocket. That's it. I don't look special. I find it funny when people try to cultivate those looks too. The look YOU are talking about is called the funker tacticool look and is also popular with former military guys. And yet? It looks ridiculous on them too.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



I used to call that Bermuda camouflage.


----------



## Tez3 (Jan 5, 2017)

stonewall1350 said:


> is also popular with former military guys



Not with our lot lol. Mind, none of that is a Brit look anyway whether ex military or pretend military ( those are know to us as Walts). I suppose we must be quite boring really.


----------



## stonewall1350 (Jan 5, 2017)

Bill Mattocks said:


> I used to call that Bermuda camouflage.



Lol. I love it. You know who began the look?







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## stonewall1350 (Jan 5, 2017)

Tez3 said:


> Not with our lot lol. Mind, none of that is a Brit look anyway whether ex military or pretend military ( those are know to us as Walts). I suppose we must be quite boring really.



Lol. The old school guys are mainly who don't look or act that way. They are the guys still in jean shorts and blurry old tats. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Flying Crane (Jan 5, 2017)

Night-vision equipment is simply AMAZING stuff for star-gazing.  You can really see a lot of the Milky Way with that gear.  Stunning!!  Love it!

If I ever got a Ferrari, the first thing I would do is cover that thing with tree-hugger bumper stickers.  And not just on the bumpers.


----------



## Gerry Seymour (Jan 5, 2017)

Flying Crane said:


> Night-vision equipment is simply AMAZING stuff for star-gazing.  You can really see a lot of the Milky Way with that gear.  Stunning!!  Love it!
> 
> If I ever got a Ferrari, the first thing I would do is cover that thing with tree-hugger bumper stickers.  And not just on the bumpers.


I determined some time ago I really don't need anything fast. I drive too fast as it is. Thus, if I ever get a Ferrari, I'm putting on a lift kit and a gun rack.


----------



## Tez3 (Jan 5, 2017)

stonewall1350 said:


> And I have a 4 wheel drive truck



We have a Landrover, standard for where we live, in the countryside we need it plus they last for decades. I've seen fifty year old plus ones still running around here.


----------



## JowGaWolf (Jan 5, 2017)

Bill Mattocks said:


> My wife just got a spam email for a 'tactical pen', which is (from what I can tell), a common ink pen with a black rubber gripping surface.
> 
> It claims to be the world's leading choice for military and police the world over.
> 
> ...


Just because of this rant you are going to get 1 for your birthday.  lol..  The beauty of this pen is that you can use the top to get rid of any evidence that may get stuck under your finger nails.  You the clear plastic operates as an under water breathing apparatus so when you need to hid under water you just pull the ink out and use it breath. It also doubles as a miniature  blow dart.   Did I tell you that it makes a great stabbing tool?


----------



## Transk53 (Jan 5, 2017)

Mmm, can't really help having a hairy chest lol.


----------



## Tez3 (Jan 5, 2017)

JowGaWolf said:


> Just because of this rant you are going to get 1 for your birthday.  lol..  The beauty of this pen is that you can use the top to get rid of any evidence that may get stuck under your finger nails.  You the clear plastic operates as an under water breathing apparatus so when you need to hid under water you just pull the ink out and use it breath. It also doubles as a miniature  blow dart.   Did I tell you that it makes a great stabbing tool?




These are standard issue in the MOD, for use as pens I hasten to add. in my job we always carried our own pens because we had a chap on one of the shifts who used the pens in the office to clean his ears out. I kid you not, the black stud bit at the top would be removed at some point and you'd see the ear wax building up........ Other pens would be chewed by someone else. We used to sign keys out so it was a pain trying to find a clean pen for people to use, the rule was you never used your own as people would walk off with them (which was how we'd got ours in the first place lol)


----------



## Transk53 (Jan 5, 2017)

Tez3 said:


> These are standard issue in the MOD, for use as pens I hasten to add. in my job we always carried our own pens because we had a chap on one of the shifts who used the pens in the office to clean his ears out. I kid you not, the black stud bit at the top would be removed at some point and you'd see the ear wax building up........ Other pens would be chewed by someone else. We used to sign keys out so it was a pain trying to find a clean pen for people to use, the rule was you never used your own as people would walk off with them (which was how we'd got ours in the first place lol)



Apart from Doctors doing tracheotomies on airlines, I thought only 007 used bics.


----------



## Flying Crane (Jan 5, 2017)

Anyone who has time to sit around and dream up a "tactical pen" has too much free time, needs to grow up and move out of their parents' basement.  Take a shower, wash their clothes, start dating and maybe even have sex someday.  With an actual partner.


----------



## Transk53 (Jan 5, 2017)

Flying Crane said:


> Anyone who has time to sit around and dream up a "tactical pen" has too much free time, needs to grow up and move out of their parents' basement.  Take a shower, wash their clothes, start dating and maybe even have sex someday.  With an actual partner.



Dream up a tool. What is wrong with that?


----------



## Flying Crane (Jan 5, 2017)

Transk53 said:


> Dream up a tool. What is wrong with that?


An actual tool?  Something actually useful?  Nothing wrong with that.

A "tactical pen"?  Oh yeah, that is honestly just stupid, especially if it really is as described in the OP.


----------



## Transk53 (Jan 5, 2017)

Flying Crane said:


> An actual tool?  Something actually useful?  Nothing wrong with that.
> 
> A "tactical pen"?  Oh yeah, that is honestly just stupid, especially if it really is as described in the OP.



I was just picking up on the latter of you're post. One tool needed kind of thing


----------



## Bill Mattocks (Jan 6, 2017)

And I got this on my Facebook this morning. Everything is tactical...

Monthly Tactical Survival Gear Box Subscription


----------



## Tez3 (Jan 6, 2017)

A survival gear box? Most British cars have them........ well gear boxes anyway lol.


----------



## Gerry Seymour (Jan 6, 2017)

Bill Mattocks said:


> And I got this on my Facebook this morning. Everything is tactical...
> 
> Monthly Tactical Survival Gear Box Subscription


I received a copy of Sportsman's Guide catalog yesterday. Nearly half of the stuff in there seems to be labeled "tactical". I'm going to come out with upgrades to all of them. I'll sell "strategic pens" and the like.


----------



## Flying Crane (Jan 6, 2017)

Bill Mattocks said:


> And I got this on my Facebook this morning. Everything is tactical...
> 
> Monthly Tactical Survival Gear Box Subscription


Wow.  I went to that website, how in the hell did you fall into their mailing list, you poor bastard?

If I understand this properly, they send you a monthly shipment of "tactical gear" that they select for you.  I guess they decide what it is that you need?  From the website, "curated tactical oriented items delivered to your door monthly".

Yes, "curated".

Better be careful, you might end up with a repeating monthly shipment of tactical pens, if that is all they have on hand at shipment time.

This is the kind of thing that to me, just screams "PARANOID!!!!!"


----------



## Transk53 (Jan 6, 2017)

Do they have body worn morters? Would be a decent addition to the body worn cameras I used wear.


----------



## Flying Crane (Jan 6, 2017)

Transk53 said:


> Do they have body worn morters? Would be a decent addition to the body worn cameras I used wear.


How about your very own suit of reactive armor?

Of course it depends on the subscription option that you chose.  If you are a cheap bastard and go with the bottom choice for under $30 per month, then your monthly box of goodies is going to reflect that price point.  I see a future filled with lot of black flashlights, MREs, water purification tablets, chemical glow sticks and...tactical pens.

Makes you wonder if they keep track of what they have already sent you so you don't just keep getting the same things over and over.  They did say "curated" after all.


----------



## Flying Crane (Jan 6, 2017)

How about a black baseball cap with the word "TACTICAL" emblazoned across the front in gold stitching?


----------



## Jenna (Jan 6, 2017)

Flying Crane said:


> How about a black baseball cap with the word "TACTICAL" emblazoned across the front in gold stitching?


Oooh baby, tell me you do one in pink!!


----------



## Flying Crane (Jan 6, 2017)

Jenna said:


> Oooh baby, tell me you do one in pink!!


I'll check with my supplier...


----------



## Jenna (Jan 6, 2017)

Flying Crane said:


> I'll check with my supplier...


Be quick will ya! 2017 is the end of days an all! Or is that 2018?


----------



## Flying Crane (Jan 6, 2017)

Jenna said:


> Oooh baby, tell me you do one in pink!!


Wait a minute...did you want the cap in pink, with the lettering in gold, or a black cap with pink lettering??


----------



## JowGaWolf (Jan 6, 2017)

Flying Crane said:


> Wait a minute...did you want the cap in pink, with the lettering in gold, or a black cap with pink lettering??




Keep playing around and someone is really going to get one of these things lol.


----------



## Transk53 (Jan 6, 2017)

Flying Crane said:


> Wait a minute...did you want the cap in pink, with the lettering in gold, or a black cap with pink lettering??



I live in Brighton, so I reckon I could get you quite a few customers for pink caps, but maybe add some pink tactical tassels.


----------



## Gerry Seymour (Jan 6, 2017)

JowGaWolf said:


> Keep playing around and someone is really going to get one of these things lol.


You know, I immediately started thinking through the custom imprint companies I know...now which ones allow me to order singles?


----------



## Gerry Seymour (Jan 6, 2017)

Transk53 said:


> tactical tassels


Somehow, that just sounds dirty. Maybe it's the Scotch laughing, instead of me.


----------



## Flying Crane (Jan 6, 2017)

JowGaWolf said:


> Keep playing around and someone is really going to get one of these things lol.


I talked with my supplier and he won't do pink.  No way.  Not pink.  Gold is a noble metal and a noble color, so its gold.  I asked if he would do anything else.  He scratched at his beard for a moment and then said, ok, platinum.  That's a noble metal too.  And silver.  He will do gold, or platinum, or silver.

But then he caught sight of a tattoo on his sleeve, and it reminded him of something, and he added, emerald green.  Yeah, emerald green.  Because it reminds him of ill-gotten gains and smugglers from Columbia, and that speaks to him of danger.  So, emerald green is in.

So I pressed him on it, what about sapphire blue and ruby red?  He said, well, ok diamond.  But that's not a color, i reminded him.  Diamonds are sparkly, but they are clear.  And it will look like some kind of Malibu Barbie Rhinestone crap and he agreed.  So diamond is out.  But ruby red and sapphire blue are in, for the same reason as emerald green.  I didn't point out that Columbia isn't known for ruby and sapphire.  I didn't want to lose ground.

I asked about grey.  What? He said, you mean like puffy clouds?  No, how about Battleship Grey?  That's good, he said.  He'll do it. Battleships are Manly and speak of wholesale violence on a massive scale so that is in.

He tucked in his BDUs at this point and I went on.  People like blue.  What else in blue, can you do for me?  WELL NOT BABY BLUE, FOR CRISSAKE!!  He said.  Oh no, certainly not.   How about Gun Blue?  Well that's more like black he replied, as he kicked at the dirt with his Doc Martins.  You'll do it?  Yeah, ok.  Navy Blue is in, for reasons that should be obvious.

Great, we are making progress.  Here's the thing, he said.  It's gotta be "tactical" ya know?  That's Manly and suggests violence, and possibly danger and sneaking about in the dark or in the woods or in the sewers and lots of gear and such.

He thumbed the safety on his AR-15 for a moment before going on.  The colors gotta support the theme, "Tactical".  So things like pink and mauve and lilac and auburn are no good!  They don't support the theme.

How about white?  White stitching on a black hat?  That would look sharp!  But he says, not Lily White!  Geezuz man!

I said oh, by no means, not Lily White.  I was thinking, maybe BONE WHITE.  He liked it.  It made the list.  I had noticed the outline of a skull and crossed bones stenciled on the side of his sparkling clean humvee and knew that one would make the list..

Now, what about reds?  We've got ruby red.  He says, well no Cherry red, or Carmine, or Salmon, or Rosy.  Those are out!  Ok, but what about...Blood Red...?  He liked it. Good reference to violence there, DEFINITELY tactical.  And he said Fire Engine Red is good too, very Manly, that one is.

How about green?  Olive drab?  Sure, no problem.  But not Seafoam, for crying out loud!  And no Yellow-Green, that's like puke green.  No, certainly.  How about Jade?

Hmmm....ok, jade is in, that's all Eastern and Mysterious and crap, so it's in.

So those are the options, and if you can come up with another color that suggests manliness or violence or gadgetry, he might consider it.

I've done all I can here.


----------



## Transk53 (Jan 6, 2017)

gpseymour said:


> Somehow, that just sounds dirty. Maybe it's the Scotch laughing, instead of me.



Yeah probably. In my defence I am a Essex boy lol.


----------



## JowGaWolf (Jan 6, 2017)

Flying Crane said:


> I talked with my supplier and he won't do pink.  No way.  Not pink.  Gold is a noble metal and a noble color, so its gold.  I asked if he would do anything else.  He scratched at his beard for a moment and then said, ok, platinum.  That's a noble metal too.  And silver.  He will do gold, or platinum, or silver.
> 
> But then he caught sight of a tattoo on his sleeve, and it reminded him of something, and he added, emerald green.  Yeah, emerald green.  Because it reminds him of ill-gotten gains and smugglers from Columbia, and that speaks to him of danger.  So, emerald green is in.
> 
> ...


There is something deeply wrong with martial artists lol.


----------



## stonewall1350 (Jan 19, 2017)

Tez3 said:


> We have a Landrover, standard for where we live, in the countryside we need it plus they last for decades. I've seen fifty year old plus ones still running around here.



I'm partial to old Tacomas and broncos. My mom drives a land rover though.  she loves it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Steve (Jan 19, 2017)

Bill Mattocks said:


> My wife just got a spam email for a 'tactical pen', which is (from what I can tell), a common ink pen with a black rubber gripping surface.
> 
> It claims to be the world's leading choice for military and police the world over.
> 
> ...


Add the dangling scrotum from the back of the pickup truck and this sounds pretty much like the run of the mill, South King County, Libertarian.  Or as we call them around here, pretty much everyone.  Living south of Seattle, there are many beards, many pickup trucks, a lot of tattoos and plenty of firearms. 

I don't know whether they go in for the boutique, tactical equipment, but I suspect not.  Although in the Fred Meyer the other day I did see a camouflage recliner.  Not sure what one does with that, but it looked pretty strange to me.


----------



## Carol (Jan 20, 2017)

Flying Crane said:


> Wow.  I went to that website, how in the hell did you fall into their mailing list, you poor bastard?
> 
> If I understand this properly, they send you a monthly shipment of "tactical gear" that they select for you.  I guess they decide what it is that you need?  From the website, "curated tactical oriented items delivered to your door monthly".
> 
> ...



There's a service called "Cairn" that offers something similar for hiking gear.  A few of my friends have subscribed, and love it.  To me it just screams "Pay us to send you stuff that hasn't sold elsewhere!"


----------



## JR 137 (Jan 20, 2017)

Steve said:


> Add the dangling scrotum from the back of the pickup truck and this sounds pretty much like the run of the mill, South King County, Libertarian.  Or as we call them around here, pretty much everyone.  Living south of Seattle, there are many beards, many pickup trucks, a lot of tattoos and plenty of firearms.
> 
> I don't know whether they go in for the boutique, tactical equipment, but I suspect not.  Although in the Fred Meyer the other day I did see a camouflage recliner.  Not sure what one does with that, but it looked pretty strange to me.



I also saw camo recliners.  They had a duck dynasty logo on them.  Along with a camo armoire placed further behind it.

Just, why?


----------



## Steve (Jan 20, 2017)

JR 137 said:


> I also saw camo recliners.  They had a duck dynasty logo on them.  Along with a camo armoire placed further behind it.
> 
> Just, why?


 if you lose your camouflage wallet in the couch you'll never find it


----------



## JR 137 (Jan 20, 2017)

Steve said:


> if you lose your camouflage wallet in the couch you'll never find it



I was thinking if you throw your camo jacket on the recliner, you'll never see it.


----------



## Tames D (Jan 22, 2017)

Carol said:


> There's a service called "Cairn" that offers something similar for hiking gear.  A few of my friends have subscribed, and love it.  To me it just screams "Pay us to send you stuff that hasn't sold elsewhere!"


Good to see you back Carol. I missed you!


----------



## punisher73 (Jan 24, 2017)

You forgot that they all are on the Paleo diet and do crossfit!

Seriously, I remember seeing an ad for a seminar.  The topic was "Tactical Pull ups".  I looked at it out of morbid curiousity to see if it was pulling yourself up and over obstacles, how to scale things.  Nope, just how to do pull ups as exercise!

It makes me want to scream on how much crap is labeled "tactical".  The tac pens really piss me off.  They almost all look like they are a stabbing weapon that can write.  Heaven forbid you actually use one to defend yourself.  A good attorney is going to tear you up about how you wanted to stab someone.  Just buy a freakin' cross pen for half the cost and it just looks like a nice pen.


----------

