# Blond Joke



## KenpoTex

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: 

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. 

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? 














The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


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## Flatlander

THAT was funny!  :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :boing1: :boing2:


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## Enson

lol!:uhyeah:


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## kenpo tiger

My goodness.  An actually funny blonde joke!  KT (the blonde tiger)


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## mj-hi-yah

:rofl: :boing1:


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## shesulsa

:boing2::boing2::rofl::rofl::roflmao::roflmao:

 I have one, too!

 A blonde goes to the dentist and she's wearing a walkman and a headset.  She's in the chair and the dentist tells her she has to take off the headset.

 "Oh, no, I can't take it off!" cries the blonde.

 "I can't perform your root canal if you don't remove the headphones, dear," the dentist explains.

 "But my boyfriend says I'll die if I take off the headset!!"

 The dentist smiles at her and replies, "I assure you, you won't die from taking off the headset."

 The blonde patient looks at him and asks, 'Are you sure?  I don't wanna die!"

 "Positive," says the dentist, "now, I'm just going to take these off your ears now and everything will be just fine."

 A few moments after removing her headset, the blonde became unresponsive and the dentist realized she was going into respiratory arrest.  He and his assistant began CPR while the secretary dialed 911.  The paramedics tried to revive her, but she was pronounced dead in the chair.

 The dental assistant approached the dentist and said, "Doctor?" and produced the walkman and headset.  

 They looked at each other and immediately, the dentist donned the headset and the assistant pushed play - they just HAD to hear what was on the tape.  After such a devastating and foreboding event, the dentist held out one side of the headset for the assistant to hear a man's voice repeatedly saying, "Breathe in.....breathe out.....breathe in.....breathe out....breathe in...."


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## mj-hi-yah

shesulsa said:
			
		

> :boing2::boing2::rofl::rofl::roflmao::roflmao:
> 
> I have one, too!
> 
> A blonde goes to the dentist and she's wearing a walkman and a headset. She's in the chair and the dentist tells her she has to take off the headset.
> 
> "Oh, no, I can't take it off!" cries the blonde.
> 
> "I can't perform your root canal if you don't remove the headphones, dear," the dentist explains.
> 
> "But my boyfriend says I'll die if I take off the headset!!"
> 
> The dentist smiles at her and replies, "I assure you, you won't die from taking off the headset."
> 
> The blonde patient looks at him and asks, 'Are you sure? I don't wanna die!"
> 
> "Positive," says the dentist, "now, I'm just going to take these off your ears now and everything will be just fine."
> 
> A few moments after removing her headset, the blonde became unresponsive and the dentist realized she was going into respiratory arrest. He and his assistant began CPR while the secretary dialed 911. The paramedics tried to revive her, but she was pronounced dead in the chair.
> 
> The dental assistant approached the dentist and said, "Doctor?" and produced the walkman and headset.
> 
> They looked at each other and immediately, the dentist donned the headset and the assistant pushed play - they just HAD to hear what was on the tape. After such a devastating and foreboding event, the dentist held out one side of the headset for the assistant to hear a man's voice repeatedly saying, "Breathe in.....breathe out.....breathe in.....breathe out....breathe in...."


:boing2: Hee hee :roflmao:


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## MA-Caver

I think I'm gonna get *RED* rep points on this one... 

Three blondes are trapped on a small island. A genie bottle washes ashore and one of them picks it up and rubs it... because it had sand all over it. The obigatory genie pops up and looks at the three blonds (ohh no he thinks) and decides that it would be best (easier on him) if he divides the 3 wishes among them and tells them so. 
The first one smiles and says: umm, I would like to be more intelligent than the other two. So the genie turns her into a red head and she swims off the island. 
The second one says: well, I'd like umm to be twice as intelligent than the other two too. So the genie turns her into a brunette and she builds a small boat and sails off the island. 
The third one says: Well, like, I'd want to be three times as intelligent as the other two,like. So the genie turns her into a man and he walks across the bridge.


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## Rob Broad

MACaver said:
			
		

> I think I'm gonna get *RED* rep points on this one...
> 
> Three blondes are trapped on a small island. A genie bottle washes ashore and one of them picks it up and rubs it... because it had sand all over it. The obigatory genie pops up and looks at the three blonds (ohh no he thinks) and decides that it would be best (easier on him) if he divides the 3 wishes among them and tells them so.
> The first one smiles and says: umm, I would like to be more intelligent than the other two. So the genie turns her into a red head and she swims off the island.
> The second one says: well, I'd like umm to be twice as intelligent than the other two too. So the genie turns her into a brunette and she builds a small boat and sails off the island.
> The third one says: Well, like, I'd want to be three times as intelligent as the other two,like. So the genie turns her into a man and he walks across the bridge.



That one was the best.


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## Rob Broad

A blond woman was speeding down the highway when she looks out the car window and sees another blond woman out in the middle of a farmers filed in a row boat, oars digging into the dirt as she tries to row the boat.  The blond in the cars stops the car almost causing a pile up behind her.  She then runs to the edge of teh field and shouts, "Hey Blondie what the hell do you thing you are doing?  It is blonds like you that give the rest of us a bad name, and if I wasn't in such a rush I would swim out there and kick your butt!"


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## KenpoTex

MACaver said:
			
		

> I think I'm gonna get *RED* rep points on this one...
> 
> Three blondes are trapped on a small island. A genie bottle washes ashore and one of them picks it up and rubs it... because it had sand all over it. The obigatory genie pops up and looks at the three blonds (ohh no he thinks) and decides that it would be best (easier on him) if he divides the 3 wishes among them and tells them so.
> The first one smiles and says: umm, I would like to be more intelligent than the other two. So the genie turns her into a red head and she swims off the island.
> The second one says: well, I'd like umm to be twice as intelligent than the other two too. So the genie turns her into a brunette and she builds a small boat and sails off the island.
> The third one says: Well, like, I'd want to be three times as intelligent as the other two,like. So the genie turns her into a man and he walks across the bridge.


Nice!!! :lol:


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## KenpoTex

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffy. Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffy said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"


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## OUMoose

kenpotex said:
			
		

> Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffy. Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffy said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"



......

ROFL

I have one similar to that:

Cop pulls over a car doing 60 in a 35.  He walks up to the driver's side door and it's a gorgeous blond driving.  He asks for her license and registration, and she hands it over.  He walks back to his car to call in the ID.  "oh man, not her again" the dispatcher exclaims "this is the 5th time this week.  Tell ya what though.  Go back and drop your pants".  Somewhat shocked, the cop asks for a repeat.  "Just go up to the window and drop your pants, trust me".  Confused, the cop walks up to the drivers side, taps on the window, and drops his pants.  The blonde looks over at him and sighs, "Oh great, not ANOTHER breathalyzer test..."

 :asian:


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## Feisty Mouse

I've heard the genie-in-a-bottle one, but it's three men, and after the first two become so intelligent, the third one who wants to be the smartest of all!! is turned into a woman.   kenpotex, that was so funny!!  All of these are great.  I'll have to send them to my mom - sweetest person, for some reason loves blonde jokes.


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## mj-hi-yah

MACaver said:
			
		

> I think I'm gonna get *RED* rep points on this one...
> 
> The third one says: Well, like, I'd want to be three times as intelligent as the other two,like. So the genie turns her into a man and he walks across the bridge.


LOL MACaver, but it just ain't true! :lol: Darn... out of negative rep points today!  But I got my eyes on ya... :lol:


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## MA-Caver

Ohh-kay how about this one? 
---------------
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
 Upon leaving, she tells her sister,''When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to meet me with the trailer hitched to the back of the pick-up truck so we can haul it home.''
 The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
 After paying him, she walks to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ''I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.''
 The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, ''It's just 99 cents a word.''
 Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ''I want you to send her the word,
 '*comfortable*.'''
 The telegraph operator shakes his head. ''How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
 'comfortable'?"
 The brunette explains, ''My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.''


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## KenpoTex

MACaver said:
			
		

> comfortable
> The brunette explains, ''My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.''


:lol: :lool: :lol:


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## kenpo tiger

MACaver said:
			
		

> I think I'm gonna get *RED* rep points on this one...
> 
> Three blondes are trapped on a small island. A genie bottle washes ashore and one of them picks it up and rubs it... because it had sand all over it. The obigatory genie pops up and looks at the three blonds (ohh no he thinks) and decides that it would be best (easier on him) if he divides the 3 wishes among them and tells them so.
> The first one smiles and says: umm, I would like to be more intelligent than the other two. So the genie turns her into a red head and she swims off the island.
> The second one says: well, I'd like umm to be twice as intelligent than the other two too. So the genie turns her into a brunette and she builds a small boat and sails off the island.
> The third one says: Well, like, I'd want to be three times as intelligent as the other two,like. So the genie turns her into a man and he walks across the bridge.


No red rep points.  Belongs with the shark joke (you ever heard that one?)


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## mj-hi-yah

MACaver said:
			
		

> Ohh-kay how about this one?
> ---------------
> 'comfortable'?"
> The brunette explains, ''My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.''


:rofl:   That's one clever girl!


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## Taimishu

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. 
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it 
started." 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in 
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He 
studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble 
these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." 

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice 
cup of tea, and then....." 

he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box". 

David


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## kenpo tiger

Liked this one!


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## Rob Broad

Taimishu said:
			
		

> A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
> I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
> started."
> 
> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
> 
> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
> 
> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
> and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
> studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
> 
> "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
> these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
> 
> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
> cup of tea, and then....."
> 
> he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".
> 
> David



I think I dated her


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## someguy

Oh i got a million of em... but most of the ones that come to mind i can't tell here.  So I'll go with this one.

 Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."


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## Rob Broad

A blod, a brunette, and redhead were sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office.  All of them were noticably pregnant.  The redhead chimed up, I'm having a boy, when we concieved my husband was on top.  The Brunette quickly replied that she was having a girls since she was on top when they concieved.  The blond burst into tears.  When asked what the problems was she told the, "I'm having puppies"


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## MA-Caver

Rob Broad said:
			
		

> *A blod*, a brunette, and redhead were sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office.  All of them were noticably pregnant.  The redhead chimed up, I'm having a boy, when we concieved my husband was on top.  The Brunette quickly replied that she was having a girls since she was on top when they concieved.  The blond burst into tears.  When asked what the problems was she told the, "I'm having puppies"



Hmm I wonder if they were Golden Labs or Retrievers? 
(good one Rob but umm...what's a BLOD??  :uhyeah: )


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## someguy

BLOD hey by any chance are you a BLONDE( I almost spelled that blond)...
uh I'm in trouble now.


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## Rob Broad

Actually as a small child I was very blond but my hair became darker as I grew older.  It is hard to type with a splint one finger.  I usually catch most of the errors but some do still slip through.


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## Gary Crawford

Did ya'll hear about the blonde who had an abortion????                             She didn't think it was hers.


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## KenpoTex

A blond female state-trooper pulls over a woman in red corvette who also happens to be blond.  The trooper approches the vehichle and asks the driver for her indentification.  "What's that?" asks the driver.  "It's the little plastic rectangle with your picture on it" replied the trooper.  After digging around in her purse for a while the driver finds her compact, she opens it, sees her reflection and hands it to the trooper.  The trooper looked at it and said "Oh, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop"

and another...

A blonde with 2 red ears walks in to get a hair cut and the barber says "how did you get those red ears?" So she says "I was ironing my clothes and the phone rang instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron."  The barber said "okay, so how did you get the other one?" "The S.O.B. called back!"


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## mj-hi-yah

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed,"let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."


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## Flatlander

pssst....MJ....look upthread a bit.:asian:


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## mj-hi-yah

flatlander said:
			
		

> pssst....MJ....look upthread a bit.:asian:


:roflmao:L O freaking L and I swear I'm not a blonde!


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## Taimishu

I think that makes you an honorary blonde MJ.  :uhyeah: 

David


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## Rob Broad

Blonde can often be a state of mind.  Usually when I make a real bonehead play I say that I had a blonde moment.


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## kenpo tiger

kenpotex said:
			
		

> A blond female state-trooper pulls over a woman in red corvette who also happens to be blond. The trooper approches the vehichle and asks the driver for her indentification. "What's that?" asks the driver. "It's the little plastic rectangle with your picture on it" replied the trooper. After digging around in her purse for a while the driver finds her compact, she opens it, sees her reflection and hands it to the trooper. The trooper looked at it and said "Oh, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
> 
> and another...
> 
> A blonde with 2 red ears walks in to get a hair cut and the barber says "how did you get those red ears?" So she says "I was ironing my clothes and the phone rang instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron." The barber said "okay, so how did you get the other one?" "The S.O.B. called back!"


I LOVED the first one - um, why did I like it again??  KT


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## MA-Caver

Taimishu said:
			
		

> I think that makes you an honorary blonde MJ.  :uhyeah:
> 
> David


Hmm what do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?... Artificial Intelligence.


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## KenpoTex

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: 'cause the street-sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.


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## kenpo tiger

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


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## Feisty Mouse

Kenpo tiger, that one is scorching, and the best.


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## Bammx2

A state trooper pulls over a blonde in a truck with arkansas tags....

He asks the driver "do you have any ID?"
the blonde replies "bowt whut?"


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## mj-hi-yah

MACaver said:
			
		

> Hmm what do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?... Artificial Intelligence.


Hey -ya!:tantrum:


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## Ceicei

mj-hi-yah said:
			
		

> :roflmao:L O freaking L and I swear I'm not a blonde!


Maybe you dyed your hair and didn't tell us?  Good one, MACaver!

- Ceicei


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## MA-Caver

Ceicei said:
			
		

> Maybe you dyed your hair and didn't tell us?  Good one, MACaver!
> 
> - Ceicei



No that's not fair to MJ... she'd forgotten that.


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## mj-hi-yah

_


			
				MACaver said:
			
		


			No that's not fair to MJ... she'd forgotten that.
		
Click to expand...

_ 
_:hammer: Now just wait one minute...:idunno: Could it be?...nah...my mom whould have told me. Ceicei can't ya see he's uh, yeah he's picking on me alright!  Don't you have some poopy diapers you can give MACaver to change?...:uhyeah: _


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## mj-hi-yah

Ok let's try this again shall we? 


Blonde dieting
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor
put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly
for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor
by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did
you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that third day."


"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.


"No, from skipping."

​


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## Flatlander

mj-hi-yah said:
			
		

> _:hammer: Now just wait one minute...:idunno: Could it be?...nah...my mom whould have told me. Ceicei can't ya see he's uh, yeah he's picking on me alright! Don't you have some poopy diapers you can give MACaver to change?...:uhyeah: _


I have plenty of poopy diapers to go around, but I respect you all enough to protect you from that evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, bad, evil, stuff.  

*No problem!  *I'll* handle it!*


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## mj-hi-yah

flatlander said:
			
		

> I have plenty of poopy diapers to go around, but I respect you all enough to protect you from that evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, bad, evil, stuff.
> 
> *No problem! *I'll* handle it!*


You are the best!!! Here we'll call you ...hmmm _keeper of the nasty stinky_, make sure you tie up the bags, _poop_!:toilclaw:


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## Ceicei

mj-hi-yah said:
			
		

> _:hammer: Now just wait one minute...:idunno: Could it be?...nah...my mom whould have told me. Ceicei can't ya see he's uh, yeah he's picking on me alright! Don't you have some poopy diapers you can give MACaver to change?...:uhyeah: _


Oh plenty!!!!:whip1: He knows what a taskmaster I am! Hehehehe! J/K.  He's a very good family friend.

- Ceicei


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## KenpoTex

mj-hi-yah said:
			
		

> Ok let's try this again shall we?
> 
> 
> Blonde dieting
> A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor
> put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly
> for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
> procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
> you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
> 
> When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor
> by losing nearly 20 pounds.
> 
> "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did
> you follow my instructions?"
> 
> The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I
> thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
> 
> 
> "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
> 
> 
> "No, from skipping."
> 
> ​


:lool:


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## Cryozombie

Yeah, did you hear about the blonde Al-Queda operative?

They sent him to blow up a bus, but he burned his mouth on the tailpipe.

----

I went to the hardware store for some blonde paint, because its cheap and it spreads easily.

----

Why can't blonde women make icecubes?

They cant find the recipie.


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## Randy Strausbaugh

Know why blondes hate M&Ms? They're too hard to peel.

Hear about the blonde who was fired from her job as an elevator operator?  She couldn't learn the route.

Hear about the blonde who wanted to be a quarterback?  The coach held up the ball and asked her if she could pass it.  She answered "If I can swallow it, I can pass it."

Two blondes are doing carpentry work on a house.  One looks at a nail, shakes her head, and throws the nail over her shoulder.  She repeats this with some, but not all, of the other nails.  The second blonde, unable to contain herself, asks what's going on.  "Some of these nails are defective," the first blonde answers.  "The points are on the wrong end."  "Those nails arn't defective," replies the second blonde, "They're for the other side of the house."

A blonde spots a house on fire and calls the fire department.  
"How do we get there?" asks the dispatcher.  
"Duh, in the big red truck."

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in the brunette's living room, chatting, when they see the brunette's husband coming up the walk with an arm full of roses.
"Ah, jeez." says the brunette.  "I can see I'm going to have my legs in the air all weekend."
The blonde asks, "Wouldn't it be easier to just buy a vase?"

A blonde comes home and catches her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.  Infuriated, she goes to the dresser and pulls out a pistol.  Both the husband and the redhead are terrified until the blonde points the gun to her own head, at which point they start to laugh.  "Don't laugh," says the blonde, "you're next!"


----------



## Insedia_Cantharis

ok, time for a blond GUY joke...


An old woman is walking through a park, and she sees two blond men. They are drenched in sweat and obviously working VERY hard. As she whatches, the lady notices something strange.

As the first man digs a small hole with his shovel and moves on, the other comes in behind him and fills it. The lady thinks this is rather silly, but they are working so hard she decides to go tell them so.

"Congradulations, boys, you are doing a wonderfull job" the lady says.

"Thankyou ma'am" replyes the first. "I think we're doing well, even if we are shorthanded."

"Shorthanded?" the woman asks.

"Why yes," says the second. "usually there is one more of us, but the guy who puts the tree in is sick today."


----------



## mj-hi-yah




----------



## Chronuss

hell, that applies to a few brunettes I know.


----------



## Rich Parsons

Two Blondes are talking

Blonde one: "Do you know what my favorite color is?"

Blonde two: "No, what is it?"

Blonde one: "My Favorite color is Clear"

Blonde two: "That is soo cool, as my favorite color is transparent"

:rofl:


----------



## Bob Hubbard

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
    "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
    "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
    "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
    "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
    "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." 

=====


----------



## Bob Hubbard

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
     Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
     Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
     Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: 
     "Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."


----------



## OUMoose

Kaith Rustaz said:
			
		

> A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
> Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
> Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
> Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
> "Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."



LOL!


----------



## Bigodinho

Taimishu said:
			
		

> A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
> I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
> started."
> 
> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
> 
> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
> 
> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
> and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
> studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
> 
> "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
> these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
> 
> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
> cup of tea, and then....."
> 
> he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".
> 
> David


That's got to be one of the funniest I've ever heard.  :lool:


----------



## Tkang_TKD

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, 

even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. 

She mounts the horse unassisted and 

the horse immediately springs into motion. 



It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from
the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the
horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway. 



The horse gallops along, seemingly
ignorant of its slipping rider.  



Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde
attempts to leap away from the horse and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot becomes entangled in the stirrup,
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground over and over. As her head is
battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when to
her great fortune, the Wal-Mart greeter, notices her dismal situation and 

quickly runs over and unplugs the horse from the electrical outlet.


----------



## shesulsa

A blonde came home to find her husband and a brunette engaged in a naked, steamy scene. Horrified, heartbroken, she fumbles through her purse, pulls out a revolver, loads it with bullets, cocks it and points the barrel to her temple.

  Her husband yells, "No, please don't do it!  I'm so sorry!  It will never happen again - just please don't shoot!!"

  The blond replies, "Shut up, a*****e - YOU'RE NEXT!!"


----------



## KenpoTex

shesulsa said:
			
		

> A blonde came home to find her husband and a brunette engaged in a naked, steamy scene. Horrified, heartbroken, she fumbles through her purse, pulls out a revolver, loads it with bullets, cocks it and points the barrel to her temple.
> 
> Her husband yells, "No, please don't do it!  I'm so sorry!  It will never happen again - just please don't shoot!!"
> 
> The blond replies, "Shut up, a*****e - YOU'RE NEXT!!"


:lool:  I've heard that one before...one of my favorites


----------



## Raewyn

Two Blondes walking through a forest. They both see a set of tracks. One blonde says to the other blonde "Oh look a set of deer prints!!", the other blonde says "No they're not, their bear tracks!!"..................................................................................
.............................................................................................
.............................................................................................
.............................................................................................

While they were arguing about it, they both got hit by a train!!!!!!!!


and by the way I only dye my roots black!!:ultracool


----------



## Randy Strausbaugh

kenpotex said:
			
		

> :lool:  I've heard that one before...one of my favorites


Yep, it was earlier in the thread.  :angel:


----------



## shesulsa

Randy Strausbaugh said:
			
		

> Yep, it was earlier in the thread.  :angel:


 Oh well, must be blonde like a few others on this thread thingy.

 Hi, I'm Dory.


----------



## Randy Strausbaugh

shesulsa said:
			
		

> Oh well, must be blonde like a few others on this thread thingy.
> 
> Hi, I'm Dory.


No problem, I just got a secondary laugh out of it and for some reason felt the need to post.


----------



## Disco

What do you call a dead Blonde in the closet?

Last years hid and go-seek winner..........


----------



## hardheadjarhead

And what's the mating call of the blonde?




(or is it elsewhere on the thread?)

Regards,


Steve


----------



## Taimishu

What do you call a brunette inbetween 2 blondes?












A translator.

David


----------



## D_Brady

hardheadjarhead said:
			
		

> And what's the mating call of the blonde?
> 
> (sluring) I think I'm drunk
> 
> or
> 
> Is that brunette gone yet.


----------



## Gary Crawford

What is the mating call of a really ugly blonde?


----------



## Gary Crawford

She sreams in your ear  "I SAID I'M DRUNK!!!!"


----------



## mj-hi-yah

shesulsa said:
			
		

> Oh well, must be blonde like a few others on this thread thingy.
> 
> Hi, I'm Dory.


:rofl: Thanks Dory I'm in good company!:uhyeah:


----------



## Cryozombie

Did you guys hear about the Blonde Swimmer who won the gold medal in the Olympics the other day?

She was so excited about winning she is going to have her medal bronzed.

 :ultracool


----------



## Taimishu

Blondes and computers don't mix.

David


----------



## Gary Crawford

Did you hear about the blond who had an abortion?....................She didn't think it was hers.


----------



## MA-Caver

Did you hear about the blonde that got accidently locked inside a furniture store overnight??  She slept on the floor.

How do you know a blonde been using your computer... white out all over the screen. 

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the Valve stem

What does a blonde say when you blow into her ear? Thanks for the refill.
What do you call when a blonde blows into the ear of another blonde? Data Transfer.

What do you call ten blondes standing ear to ear? A Wind Tunnel.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears...so she wouldn't get hearing aids. 

A blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." 
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie."
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" 

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff. 

How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it. 

How does a blonde kill a worm? She burys it.


----------



## Randy Strausbaugh

MACaver said:
			
		

> A blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
> "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
> "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
> The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
> "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
> Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."


 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl: 
Now _that's_ the best one yet!
IMHO, of course.


----------



## KenpoTex

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them!" 

Her friend said, "O.K., what's the capital
of Wisconsin?" 

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! W."


----------



## Rynocerous

Q. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?
A. Cause you have to hollow out it's head!
--------------------
A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. 
     The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. 
     Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
     The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."
-------------------------------------
A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blonde) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside.
      Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in.
      The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?"
      The blonde replies, "Darn right there's a problem! My computer keeps on telling me 'I've got mail'!"

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
     They went to see "Closed for Winter".
---------------------------
Once there was a blonde who was going to take flying lessons, so she went to the airport to rent a plane. The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. So the blonde got in the helicopter and took off. Every 10 miles she checked in with the manager; after the first 10 miles, she said it was a blast. When she reached 20 she told him that she had never seen so many buttons. But when she reached 30 miles she didn't check in so the manager went to rescue her. When he found her he asked her how she crashed. The blonde replied, "It was getting cold so I turned off the big fan."
------------------------------
A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
      This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.
      The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."
-----------------------------
     After leaving a store, a blonde walked out and went up to a soda machine. The blonde put in 50 cents and out popped a coke. She searched her bag for more money. She found some and kept feeding the machine money. Cokes and Sprite and Mountain Dew bottles began rolling down the street.
      A young man walked up behind her and watched this for a few minutes. Then he asked, "Can I get one now?"
      She whizzed around and yelled, "No way, can't you see I'm winning?"
----------------------------
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are standing in front of the Mirror of Truth. It sucks up and kills anyone who tells a lie in front of it. So the brunette says, "I'm the smartest person in the world." She gets sucked up and dies.The redhead says,"I've got the most curly hair," and she gets sucked up and dies also. The blonde says,"I think....." and she gets sucked up and dies.
----------------------------
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
      The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate.
      When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
      The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
      One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
--------------------------
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run like hell - she's got a grenade in her mouth!
--------------------------
     A blonde was riding in the back of a pick-up truck when the truck went off the road and went into a pond. Some neighbors came out to see what happened and waited for the blonde to come out of the water. When she finally did, the neighbors asked her what took her so long. She replied, "I couldn't get the tail-gate unlocked."
---------------------------
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
     Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet."
     So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
     The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
---------------------------
     On a flight from New York to Paris, soon after take-off the pilot announces: "I'm sorry, but we have lost one of our engines. Subsequently, we will arive in Paris approximately half an hour late."
     A few minutes later, he comes on again:
     "Hate to disappoint you folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about 2 hours late."
     After another few minutes, he comes on again:
     "Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine. Still nothing serious to worry about, but we will be about five hours late to Paris."
     After hearing this, the blonde turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks,
     "If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night."
---------------------------

Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
----------------------------
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

I hope you enjoyed these,

Cheers,

Ryan


Ryan


----------



## TimoS

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" 

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down andsquealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. 

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" 
The other answered, "I don't know -- I thought you were watching." 


MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


----------



## lulflo

Two blondes were driving to disneyland, they were just about there and saw a sign that said "Disneyland left", so they turned around and went home.
________________________________
Three blondes were at the pearly gates of heaven and were met outside by Saint Peter. Saint Peter said to the first blonde that she could come inside if she could tell him what Easter is. The blonde replied, "um, isn't that when the whole family comes together in one house and we eat a big turkey and watch football and eat pumpkin pie"? Saint Peter says "no" and she is sent to hell. The second blond is asked the same question to which she replies, "oh yeah, Easter, that is when the house is all decorated with lights and a tree and we all get to wake up and open a bunch of presents and have a big dinner together, right"? Saint Peter says, wrong and sends her to hell. The third blonde is asked the same question and she says, "Oh, that is when Jesus was crucified and then buried behind a giant boulder, three days later they move the boulder and jesus rises from the grave, etc"...full on disertation of Easter...Saint Peter is shocked and exclaims that he has never heard such and accurate depiction of Easter, not even HE could have given such a detailed depiction, "that was AMAZING"! 

Then the blonde says, "yeah, then every year we move the boulder and if Jesus sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of basketball"!
_______________________
Did you hear what the blonde mom said to the blond daughter?

If you're not in bed by 11:00pm, COME HOME!
_____________________________
These are kind of bad, skip them if you don't like the bad ones

-Why do blonde's wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
-What did the blonde say after having sex?
You guys all on the same team?...
-Why do blondes wear large hoop earrings?
So they have a place to hold their ankles.
-How do blondes turn on the light after having sex?
Open the car door.
-What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Is it mine?...
_____________________________________
A brunette is jumping from railroad track to track yelling out "21...21...21...21. A blonde notices her and decides to join her, jumping from track to track yelling 21...21...21...21, a train approaches, just before it hits, the brunette jumps off the tracks and the blonde is killed. After the train has passed, the brunette gets back on the tracks and yells "22...22...22...22..."
_______________________________________
Some more bad ones. Warning

-What do you call a brunette standing with three blondes?
Regular price, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks.
-What do you call 5 blondes sitting on a park bench?
A wind tunnel
-What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
All you can eat under a buck.
_________________________________________
Last one.

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they worked at a factory. Everyday their boss left one hour early and this had gone on for over a year. So one day, the brunette said that they should wait 15 minutes after the boss left and then they should leave, they decided to try it the next day. 15 minutes after the boss left early as usual, the brunette went out and did some shopping, the red head got her haircut and the blonde decided to go home to get some rest, but when she got there, her boss's car was in the driveway. She crept inside and saw her husband having sex with her boss so she ran out without a noise. 
The next day, the brunette was talking about how much shopping she did and how she was going to do that everyday, the red head was so happy she had time to get her haircut and was talking about going with the brunette shopping, they both looked at the blonde who said "I'm never doing that again, I almost got caught"!!!


----------



## kid

Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?


You slap one and it keeps on sucking!


----------



## lulflo

One day a blonde came home and said, "Mommy! Today at school we were counting and the other kids could only count to 3, but I counted to 7. Is that because I am blonde"?

"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde",her mom said.

The next day, the blonde came home and said, "Mommy! Today at school we were doing our ABC's and the other kids only got to C, but I got all the way to F. Is that because I am a blonde"?

"Yes dear, it's because you're a blonde", her mom said.

The next day, the blonde came home and said, "Mommy! Today at school we were comparing our chests and none of the other girls had a bra, but I wear a C cup. Is that because I am a blonde"?

And her mom said "No, that's because you're 25"


----------



## mrhnau

1 . Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as
    opposed to a regular one?
 You have to hollow out the head.

2. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
 They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
 It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

4. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
 They drowned in Spring Training.

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
 To see what was on the other side.

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
 The cow stepped on her.

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
 Bobbing for French fries.

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
 They are easier to amuse.

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
 Frosted flakes.

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
 They keep breaking them with the hammer.

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air?
 She missed.

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?
 Data transfer.

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
 Because she read that one child out of every four born was
Chinese.

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
 She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up
her mind.

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out
light bulbs?
 She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
16. Why are the Japanese so smart?
 No blondes.

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
 You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.


A nice looking blonde was driving and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner, seeing she was a blonde, decided he
would have a little fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the
tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So the blonde goes home, gets down on her hands and knees and starts
blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blows a little harder
and still nothing happens.

Just then, her roommate, another blonde, arrives home and sees what she
is doing.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

The first blonde tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate, rolling her eyes, looks at her and says,
"HELLOOOOOOO....you need to roll up the windows first.


----------

