# Girlfriend problems



## Nyrotic (Oct 15, 2008)

I have this girlfriend of nearly 3 years now, and she and I are quite literally from two opposite ends of the spectrum. I love order and stability in my life, I strive to reach a higher quality of living both physically and mentally. I object to drinking any alcohol or smoking anything in ANY quantity (Never smoked, had a shot of Sake last New Year's which was actually offered by my parents). My girlfriend is a person run by fun and spontaneity, two things that AREN'T on the top of my priorities. (I'm not trying to say one way is superior to the other, I'm just showing the difference in our characters)

Two things:

The first problem here is, she's already changed alot for me in contrast to how she used to be before we met. She was much like 98% of the teenage population, curious about many things; drugs, alcohol, boys, etc. After being with me for so long, the damage stemming from my rather conservative ways has become apparent. She's lost nearly all her friends because they say she's "no longer fun to hang out with". Though this was never my true intent to begin with, I've been told I was wrong for making her this way, as these are her "college years" and she NEEDS to get this sort of stuff out of her system. I ask, then why am I so different? I don't have ANY urge or curiousity that I am compelled to satisfy, so does that not prove that this behaviour is NOT necessary or instinctive? This stems from a recent talk she and I had. She was drinking a margarita the other night at home (With her mother), and she told me about it. Naturally, my first thought was "Uh oh! Regulations violation!" and got a little upset and told her that I morally object to the intake of any alcohol in any form. She knew I was mad about it even after I told her that I ALSO concern for her health as well, another reason I don't like her doing anything like that. Please note that I'm not trying to make her out as some kind of wild-child, as this was really the only time she'd done that in a long time really. But is it wrong of me to push my values on her even IF she'd have nothing to gain but good from the change? I feel like I'm in this for the long run with her and that this isn't just another dating romance, so I wouldn't bother with it in the first place if I didn't feel like it was a big investment or commitment.

Second. She also has this friend of hers of about 8 years. According to her he is her best friend (This likely wouldn't be an issue if he weren't a guy....then again I can't be so sure). The thing is, I've been with her for near 3 years now and I feel that I should be #1 in her life as she is in mine, especially since we're both planning for that infamous long-term commitment. She even SAYS that I am and that if she liked her best friend that way she would be with him and not me. True. But still, my problem here is that I feel jealous. I feel that way because there are always these little moments or things she says that goes to show me how inseparable their friendship/bond is, and I think the MAIN reason I make such a big stink over this is because I've never had any real friends, much less a BEST friend to understand why he's so damned important to her (Comes with being a military kid I guess, move to a new State ever 4 years or so). To me it just feels like there's an understanding between them that she and I will never have, at least not before their bond gets any stronger. Maybe I'm just being jealous for no good reason? Maybe I'm being immature and have NOTHING to be upset about in the first place? I'm about ready to resign to that....but I want to at least get a broader range of opinions on the matter before doing so (So far it's been nothing but people she's known for a longer time, so as such I feel there's at least some bias there). I feel it boils down to this: She can get rid of me and be sad for weeks, maybe even months, but eventually recover and find someone else, but she makes it seem that if she lost her friend she'd never be the same person again, and being in the position of boyfriend it bothers me.


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## Nolerama (Oct 15, 2008)

Um...

You sound young and waaaay too uptight about what your girlfriend does, and you don't realize that she's a human being, too. Not your property.

From personal experience: break it off yourself. Get out there, actively try to find someone that fits your criteria in a woman (look in churches), instead of trying to change someone.

You might not have any "urges" or desires to do anything, but you should enrich your life through experience and drive. Become more interesting (if you decide to stick it through...).

And yeah, if her male "best friend" is more compatible with her than you, sooner or later, she's going to leave you for him. I really wouldn't lose any sleep over this. A few therapy sessions would get you over it in no time.

Break it off. Now.


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## MA-Caver (Oct 15, 2008)

While it's easy to just simply break off a relationship with someone who is causing you grief, not living up to your ideal/expectations (have you even SHARED them with her??), and is best friends with the opposite sex. ... If you're in your 20's then talk it out with her and if she doesn't improve *and* if YOU don't improve on what she expects/wants/needs from you then break it off.
It takes two and it always will. 

I am "best friends" with a lot of females... (some are here on MT :uhyeah: ) and we both know where the line is and don't cross it. We may playfully "toe" the line but only because it's out of sheer boredom or moments of feeling deeply affectionate for each other... AS FRIENDS, but actually cross it... no. By toe-ing the line I mean cuddling and holding each other or holding hands...  as friends. Only with a couple have I been "friends with benefits" and at the time they weren't attached to anyone, when they did become attached the benefits stopped-- cold. I was/am able to deal with that because I also believe in Karma and don't want it happening to me.  
Platonic relationships between men and women *ARE* very possible and both of them don't even have to be gay. If you're jealous then you're insecure about the relationship you have with the person you're being jealous about. 

No relationship between man and woman is easy. In fact no relationship between anyone is easy. It takes work, it takes time, it takes understanding and it takes a whole lotta other things to make it go... and even then the ride is anything but smooth. 
One of the biggest problems with relationships is that we have this whole list of things we want/need/expect from our partner but we fail to convey that information to them. It's like..."if they really love me, they will know..." 
You might want to try and write out the list of things you expect/need/want (all of it! the whole list) from your partner/gf/so and ask yourself how much of that information does your partner/gf/so  have? If they don't have much of it then it might be a good idea to share it with them. If you're really lucky they'll have done the same thing and share their list with you.... for one thing... it'll get things going. 

A friend of mine who was getting married told me that his future mother-in-law once asked him to think about all the wonderful and great things her daughter makes him feel... then she asked him to seriously stop and think about the ONE thing that drives him absolutely NUTS (in the bad way) about her. Once he had that in his mind he was to ask himself... can I live with it? Really honestly for the next 20-30-40 years... live with it? 
What to do with the resultant answer was obvious.


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## Kreth (Oct 15, 2008)

Uh, is this the same girlfriend you split up with a year and a half ago? :idunno:


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## zDom (Oct 15, 2008)

Random thoughts:


Ending relationships is hard to do. To me, this kind of pain is worse than ANY physical pain.

Persisting with a bad relationship will be worse than the pain of ending one. Kind of like resetting a dislocated joint: really, really painful  but so is leaving a joint in a state of dislocation.

Life is a long song. Don't let being sad or lonely in the short term get in the way of being happy and finding a great relationship in the long run.

Is it REALLY a bad relationship? Weigh how much you enjoy her company (not the sex, her COMPANY) against how much the other stuff bothers you.

Jealousy is a disease that infects your mind and spirit. It can cause you to be mentally and spiritually ill.

There ARE great women out there. But Solomon was right (the longer I live, the more I find this is true ): _*"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."*_

I think I found a good one. My number one priority now is not to screw it up 

I wish you the best o' luck in whatever you decide, bro.


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## bluekey88 (Oct 15, 2008)

Welp, it's been said...far better than I can say...relationships are HARD.  Not getting through a physically gruelling belt test is hard....Not getting a good score in a class is hard...not even washing a cat hard...

H A R D

It takes work, constant work.  Why on earth would anybody oput themselves through it?  because being with the ONE...the person you love and who loves in you in return...UNCONDITIONALLY...is perhpas the greatest thing in the world.  It makes all the hard stuff easy.

I'm coming up on my 14th wedding anniversay in a few days.  This past July 4th we celebrated the 20th anniversary of when we first got together.  My previous relationships have all been pretty long term...i don't do casual   Lorrie and I have been through hell and back together...several times (we're thinking of buying a time share).  We've come close to splitting up...but we don't.  It is far weasier for us to be togther and put up with all our BS together than to face a rather unforgiving world apart.  I drive her nuts...she tell me so all the time.  I know she's right.  It astounds me that anyone (especially someone who is as seemingly perceptive and intelligent as my wife) can stay in the same room as me for more than a few minutes at a time.  Yet, no matter that we disargee on some really fundamental things, no matter how bad I screw up...she always has a hug and a kiss for me.  

Conversely, I see my wife as a smart, capable, adorable, excrutiating annoying, nerve-wracking, blessing in my life.  All that drives me crazy in my life is somehow tied to her...yet i can't live without it.  It drives me buts that as she falls asleep she starts mishearing what people say on television (generally thinking the news anchor just said something to the effect of "fuzzy kitten nipples") and staunchly refusing to aknowledge this in public or private.  I have a hard time with the way she'll ask for my opinion, not because she wants to know what I think but because she REALLY wants me to agree with her.  Oh the arguments we've had.  BUT no matter how angry she makes me...one look into her chocolate brown eyes and I'm a speechless blubbering fool who'd gladly sell all his earthly possessions to see her smile.  

It's like the old joke about the elderly couple on their 60th wedding anniversary.  When asked if they'd ever considered divorce in all their years together....they replied "Divorce?  No, never.  Now murder on the other hand..."

Enough about me.

If you love this girl..you gotta lay off.  Let her be herslef.  If you can l;ive with who she is now.  If you can find the beauty and the joy in all that annoysd you...then you got shot at this thing.  You got on her case for having one drink...with her mother.  So what that you don't drink?  it's not as if she was running about town blind stinking drunk.  Part of the art of relationships is keeping your stuff to yourself and learning to live with and love your partner for who they are...not what you wish they might be.  They'll probably change while they are with you..but that shouldn't be counteed upon nor shoulsd it be a deal breaker.  Unconditonal love is what drives seriously successful relationships...and unconditional love is just that...nho strings attached.

If you cannot do that, then you are with the wrong person.  If you can....then it behooves you to do so....for both your sakes.  

Good luck and I hope you are able to work things out for youself in a satifactry manner.

Peace,
Erik


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## Sukerkin (Oct 15, 2008)

Good advice all and some excellent insights into what makes a partnership work :tup:.


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## morph4me (Oct 15, 2008)

I don't see it as a girlfriend problem, I see it as an immaturity problem. All I see is you thinking about you, and what you want, and how you feel. You seem to  want to control her, not value her as an individual. I think you need to do her a favor and break up with her, and grow up before you get into another relationship.


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## zDom (Oct 15, 2008)

morph4me said:


> I don't see it as a girlfriend problem, I see it as an immaturity problem. All I see is you thinking about you, and what you want, and how you feel. You seem to  want to control her, not value her as an individual. I think you need to do her a favor and break up with her, and grow up before you get into another relationship.



And, for what its worth, don't take the above as a put down or insult. That's just guys for ya 

I was VERY immature in my 20s. Maybe until my 30s. It took me a LONG time to grow up.

If I had met my present girlfriend in my 20s, I would have screwed it up for sure.

Sometimes it takes a few heartbreaks to grow up and appreciate what we have.


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## shesulsa (Oct 15, 2008)

I want to ask you how exactly you define a female-male relationship?  Because it sounds as though you're trying to guide her as a father figure would.  Did you want that in your relationship? Do you think she wants that in your relationship?

If you're going to get out of the relationship, do it honestly and I'm going to risk your not liking me very much to offer you a little reality check.  Please know I'm not angry with you nor do I wish to chastise you in any way - I simply want to offer some points for you to consider.

The occasional margarita is not a serious cause for concern unless she or you is an alcoholic.  Your reaction to her drinking a margarita might be unfounded unless, of course, she's underage or has another issue that precludes her from the occasional indulgence.

I'm disturbed by your need to control her and I'm excited to hear that you're concerned about what you may have "done to her." It's a wonderful sign that you can see your influence upon her.  The fact that she is isolated from the rest of her world is often seen as a precursor to something I don't think you want to delve into.  It is on the list of precursors to abuse.  If what you want is upstanding and healthful, you might want to take a very serious look at this need.

A couple that lasts is not one person molding another person into what they want in a mate ... it is two people who are compatible, cooperative, tolerant and hard-working who compliment each other well.  Two separate people coming together.

I recommend you end the relationship and seek a relationship mentor right away and settle some things before you begin another one.  I'm not sure if you are involved in a particular faith that espouses what you've outlined in your original post, but I can't see it as a healthy beginning for either of you.

I wish you only the best.


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## teekin (Oct 15, 2008)

This is just a further extension of Shesula's reply. Nyrotic, you can NOT keep her a innocent child. Life will strain against that, her mind and soul will fight to be free, to expand, experiance all life has to offer. You can go with her or loose her, but you can NOT stop her from growing, and if you Love her you would not want to. 
 If you want to own her then that is something diffrent isn't it? I'm sure part of it comes from the urge to protect her, to keep her safe and innocent......and ignorant of worldly things. 
 I am not making any judgements here just suggesting that you look at her stretching away from you in a diffrent way than you are.
lori.


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## KELLYG (Oct 15, 2008)

Let me give you some advise from a female prospective.  I want in a mate someone who will walk beside me in life.  That will take me as I am now and what I may become in the future, good, bad, ugly hide hair and all. (period) I want some one to share my life not preside over me.  I feel that you can have a purely platonic relationship with the opposite sex.  Some one wise once told me that if someone wants to cheat, you can watch them for 23hrs a day, on the 24th, if they want to then they will find a way.

If the young lady you are dating is not someone that has your fundamental core values. (goodness I'm tired of that phrase) Then it is time to let her loose and find someone that fits the bill.  Any thing other than some one that fits the bill will be a disservice to you and her.  As far as changing someone I'm sorry pal it ain't going to happen and if it does it won't be for long.


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## Nolerama (Oct 15, 2008)

KELLYG said:


> I feel that you can have a purely platonic relationship with the opposite sex.



Sometimes, that's healthy to have; especially in light of a relationship's impending doom.

Why is this in The Study?


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## shesulsa (Oct 15, 2008)

It has now, actually, been moved to The Locker Room.


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## Andy Moynihan (Oct 15, 2008)

Days like this I'm glad I decided long ago to commit to a solitary life.


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## Sukerkin (Oct 15, 2008)

Not to derail the thread, Andy, but so did I.  For many years I was ever reminded of the rightness of my decision ... and then, out of the blue, so to speak, I ended up with my missus and recanted of my previous 'isolationism' .


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## Andy Moynihan (Oct 15, 2008)

I'm glad it worked out for you.

I do not see a similar end for me.

But life is not yet over *SHRUG*


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## Tez3 (Oct 15, 2008)

Andy Moynihan said:


> I'm glad it worked out for you.
> 
> I do not see a similar end for me.
> 
> But life is not yet over *SHRUG*


 
Ah but you're still a kid!!! You've got the best to come yet! From Auntie Irene.


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## Flying Crane (Oct 15, 2008)

Nyrotic,

you sound like a more intense version of myself when I was in college.  I also didn't drink and didn't care to hang out with those who did.  I was very focused on what I felt were important in life, doing well in my classes, being very tight with money, I didn't party, hardly had a nightlife and rarely took it easy on the weekends.  I was pretty ultra-focused.  The big difference is that I didn't have a long-term girlfriend at the time.  I dated a couple people for shorter periods during that time, and I really think that my uptight, conservative nature contributed to the relationships not lasting longer than they did.

Now, fifteen years later, looking back in hindsight, I wish I had shrugged a lot of that off at the time.  Life is too short to be too uptight and conservative about everything, esp. if it becomes an unwelcome or controlling influence on others.  Life ought to include a reasonable amount of fun and sponteneity, and you can't run your life on rails all the time.

After I graduated, I moved to one of the most relaxed and liberal areas of the nation, and it was only after being here for a while and making more friends who were more open minded about a lot of things that I began to loosen up and realize that so much of that just does't matter.  I still make decisions about my own values, but my mind is much more open than it was and life is more fun and more interesting.

Take some advice from someone who has been there: find a way to relax now, while you are younger.  You'll enjoy life more.  I wish I had.


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## girlbug2 (Oct 15, 2008)

I think of all the wisdom in the above posts, I like shesula's best. She says it all I think.

My personal take on the situation is really just an addendum to that. I noticed that you described the differences in your two characters. Do you realize that you are not describing character differences, but temperment differences? Temperment is something hardwired into a person, it will never change. She will always be a fun-seeking temperment, liking new experiences and stimulated by extraverted activites. This kind of thing may mellow a little with age, but it will never reverse to your type of temperment. You OTOH will never be the thrill-seeker, and nobody will be able to change that aspect of _your_ temperment either. This is not a morality issue, it is simply how people are born.

Once you realize that fully, you will be able to realize that it's not your job to change her, only to ask yourself if you can find a way to live with her as she is or move on. Either way, you will be free. 

For more info on temperment types, look up Myers-Briggs temperment theory or Kiersey temperment types. I encourage you to self-test for your temperment. When I did that a few years ago it was a real eye opener. I was able to rid myself of the huge burden of believing it was my job to make everybody see things my way. Of course if they all agreed with _me_, they'd _all_ be right, but it's no longer my concern if they prefer to be wrong.


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## jks9199 (Oct 15, 2008)

Maybe you can find some help here.


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## Mimir (Oct 15, 2008)

It sounds to me like there are some fundamental differences between the two of you.  There is nothing inherently wrong with either way, just different.  The problem is that you seem to be trying to change this difference in her.  The way I see it, you have two choices.  Accept her the way she is or end the relationship.  If you continue to try to change her, the only result will be resentment, anger, and conflict on both sides.


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## celtic_crippler (Oct 15, 2008)

Nolerama said:


> Um...
> 
> You sound young and waaaay too uptight about what your girlfriend does, and you don't realize that she's a human being, too. Not your property.
> 
> ...


 
What he said.


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## swiftpete (Oct 19, 2008)

You sound like you need to relax and start having a bit of fun. Your girlfriend told you she had 1 drink with her mother and you immediately thought "Uh oh! Regulations violation!" and started into a lecture about your morals??! You sound like a real catch.

I'm not surprised her mates have said that she's no fun now if that's the way you are and now want her to be. I'm not saying you have to drink and take drugs to have a good time, but having a drink is not like committing murder you know, billions of people across the world do it. My father was an alcoholic but it doesn't mean I can't relax with a beer.

If you're very quiet and ordered and she likes to have fun and enjoy herself I think you'd better prepare for her leaving you for someone she can enjoy life with. A girl who is relaxed, fun and spontaneous is what the majority of men in the world would love for a girlfriend. Why don't you try having some fun yourself, you might even like it? 

Otherwise you're right to be worried, there are plenty of men out there that do like doing the things she does and unless she's frightfully ugly then you're probably going to find her going off with one of those.


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## Phoenix44 (Oct 20, 2008)

> is it wrong of me to push my values on her even IF she'd have nothing to gain but good from the change?


 
In short, yes, it is wrong of you.

Firstly, you say she's changed to accommodate you.  How have YOU changed to accommodate HER?

Secondly, if she's an adult, then drinking a margarita is legal, and kind of normal.  "Regulations violation?"  Are you her boyfriend or her parole officer?

Thirdly, YOU don't get to decide if "she'd have nothing to gain but good from the change."  SHE does.

As for the male friend, well, I agree that you should be the #1 relationship in her life.  Are you?  Because if you are, then you have to get over your jealousy, and allow her to have one of the few friends she still has left.  If you aren't her #1, then you have your answer.  Only you can sort that out.

It sounds to me as though the two of you are very different in priorities and temperament.  That can be a good thing, if you're BOTH willing to compromise. Are YOU?  Look, I'm a serious, left-brained Virgo, and my partner is a free-spirited Sagittarian musician.  I balance the check book, he chooses our weekend entertainment. We've both adapted to each other, cut each other some slack, and we've been together happily for 9 years. 

I don't want to be mean, but you sound like a little bit of a control freak...I would advise HER to be very cautious in committing to you if she doesn't want her wants and needs suppressed.  

In any event. DO NOT GET MARRIED until you figure it out.  Good luck.


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## Jimi (Oct 20, 2008)

I would not be so concerned about if her character is different. You say she is free and you are more conservative, that does not make a relationship faulty. If she has this best friend that has you uptight, you may very well go thru the time in a young mans life where you fear being the CAPTAIN CLUELESS (The boyfriend, spouse, signifagant other that is blind to the relationship developing under your nose). Why are you so upset, we just spent the night together, nothing happened! He is just a friend! I myself and friends have gone thru this. When you worry that a long time friend is working towards being more than just a friend, that can have your sensibilities going crazy. Why do they talk so much? Why are they secretive with their time together? Etc...I will not BS you, you might have some emotional hardships ahead. Not being a doom sayer, just I have delt with similar issues. If she is interested in moving her relationship with this old friend to another level, try to see it and not be too hurt by it. Do not turn yourself into the questioning overlord, this will turn you into the bad guy the old friend needs to make him the White Knight In Shining Armour to sweep her off her feet to elsewhere. Be honest and level headed with her. You may find yourself seeing things that seem to hint that something is going on behind the scenes, and this can be magnified by emotion. People grow and sadly sometimes they grow apart. Hang in there man. Hope for the best. PEACE


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## tko4u (Oct 25, 2008)

Nyrotic said:


> I have this girlfriend of nearly 3 years now, and she and I are quite literally from two opposite ends of the spectrum. I love order and stability in my life, I strive to reach a higher quality of living both physically and mentally. I object to drinking any alcohol or smoking anything in ANY quantity (Never smoked, had a shot of Sake last New Year's which was actually offered by my parents). My girlfriend is a person run by fun and spontaneity, two things that AREN'T on the top of my priorities. (I'm not trying to say one way is superior to the other, I'm just showing the difference in our characters)
> 
> Two things:
> 
> ...


 

Whoa, been there! I mean EXACTLY there! Man, you have a hard road ahead. If you try to be yourself (strict) you WILL lose her because she will see you as controlling. However, if you loosen up, you WILL feel like you are giving up some of your beliefs, and it will feel horrible.

There is only one real way to make this right. You have to find middle ground THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH. Loosen up on the small stuff, she is with YOU, remember that! If she wanted her best friend, she would have him. But you need to talk to her and find middle ground. If it is found, you will both feel better.

GOOD LUCK!


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## grydth (Oct 25, 2008)

Andy Moynihan said:


> Days like this I'm glad I decided long ago to commit to a solitary life.



You have doomed yourself. No sooner had I firmly committed to a solitary life following a divorce than I met an unbelievable woman. No reason to want to change her, she's better than I could have dreamed.

All the world conspires against a single man. No sooner had you posted this than every woman here, and most of the men, began thinking," Now who do I know that's single in Taxachuesetts?........"

You're cooked. This time, the crowbar won't help.


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## bluemtn (Oct 25, 2008)

Nyrotic-  

If you haven't brought your concerns/ thoughts  to your girlfriend yet, I strongly recommend that you do.  Before  you make any other decision concerning wheter or not you should break up.  I'm not one to tell someone to break any relationship off, but three years is a long time to be together, just on a "girlfriend- boyfriend" level.  If you feel so strongly about her being best friends with another guy, access (internally) why you're feeling this way.  Maybe it's time to take this another step, in either direction.  You're right, expecting/ requiring someone to change is a bit wrong in certain respects.  Maybe you two can meet half way, if you decide to take it a step farther?  If not, then perhaps it is time to not go any further than this.

Point is-  communication is key in any relationship.  Neither one of you will be happy until you get somethings out in the open, and worked out.


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