# A sticky situation



## CuongNhuka (Aug 30, 2007)

Here's the skinny. First of all, I hate gangesters. They can burn in, well, they can burn. Second, a girl I kinda get along with just suffered a severe family trauma, her brother died. The problem is I constantly want to do what ever I can to make her feel better, but she is in a gang. That's not too bad really, but her boyfreind is also. And he's really jealous. So, if I even think about offering the symbolic 'shoulder to cry on', he'll get a bunch of his freinds to kill me. 
So, do I do my best to try to avoid her all together (so I don't do anything to get shanked/shot/stabbed/run over), or do I try my best to help her (and try to avoid her jealous, short tempered, violent lunatic boyfreind)?

The reason I post this here is I'm sure that somewere out there is someone who might have run into a similar situation, and I'm sure there will be more. I'm also sure that someone might be able to give me advice if he finds out, and tries to kill me.


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## jks9199 (Aug 30, 2007)

CuongNhuka said:


> Here's the skinny. First of all, I hate gangesters. They can burn in, well, they can burn. Second, a girl I kinda get along with just suffered a severe family trauma, her brother died. The problem is I constantly want to do what ever I can to make her feel better, but she is in a gang. That's not too bad really, but her boyfreind is also. And he's really jealous. So, if I even think about offering the symbolic 'shoulder to cry on', he'll get a bunch of his freinds to kill me.
> So, do I do my best to try to avoid her all together (so I don't do anything to get shanked/shot/stabbed/run over), or do I try my best to help her (and try to avoid her jealous, short tempered, violent lunatic boyfreind)?
> 
> The reason I post this here is I'm sure that somewere out there is someone who might have run into a similar situation, and I'm sure there will be more. I'm also sure that someone might be able to give me advice if he finds out, and tries to kill me.


Real simple...

Keep your distance.  She's a banger.  He's a banger.  They'll get their support from within the gang and will only draw you in if you try to get involved. (Especially since, given the facts as you present them, I wouldn't be at all surprised if her brother was a banger, and didn't die of natural causes.)

Gangs and people in them are enough to wear out experienced mental health professionals and cops.  You lack the training, experience, and wisdom to do very much.  If you want to express your sympathy or the like to her, go for it.  But that's about all you can do.


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## KenpoTex (Aug 30, 2007)

Follow the "3 stupids" rule:  "Don't go to stupid places, Do stupid things, or hang out with stupid people."

people with gang affiliations count as stupid people and if you associate with them you'll eventually end up with problems.

simple as that.


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## theletch1 (Aug 30, 2007)

Matt's post says it all, really.  If this girl is some one you "sorta get along with" then I have to think that your relationship is not so deep that she'd expect you to be a shoulder to cry on.  If you're wondering for purely altruistic reasons then I admire the sentiment but discourage the act.


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## Tames D (Aug 30, 2007)

Yeah, I would steer clear. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose.


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## Kacey (Aug 30, 2007)

jks9199 said:


> Real simple...
> 
> Keep your distance.  She's a banger.  He's a banger.  They'll get their support from within the gang and will only draw you in if you try to get involved. (Especially since, given the facts as you present them, I wouldn't be at all surprised if her brother was a banger, and didn't die of natural causes.)
> 
> Gangs and people in them are enough to wear out experienced mental health professionals and cops.  You lack the training, experience, and wisdom to do very much.  If you want to express your sympathy or the like to her, go for it.  But that's about all you can do.



I agree.  As said, if you want to, express your sympathy - but I'd stop there.


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## TheOriginalName (Aug 30, 2007)

I have no real useful advice to post here...but perhaps this;

It is clear you care about this person, otherwise you would not have posted this question. So my heart bleeds for your situation - to care about someone and to not do anything to help hurts. 

However, don't rush into anything. Don't let your heart and emotions overule your good judgement. 

It may be that you simply have to stand back for the moment, watching and waiting. There may be a time or sitation in the future where it will be safe for you to assist her - but now may not be the time. 

Whatever happens, stay safe. You sound like a good friend. 
And the best kind of friends are the ones that are alive to help when help is needed\wanted.

Again, i do feel for you - and i wish you all the best.
Stay safe!!


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## Rob819 (Aug 31, 2007)

*Ask yourself the following question:   *

*Is your bond with the person so strong that you are willing to kill someone or multiple someones in order to protect that person or to defend the relationship? If not, then stay clear of her.  Reguardless of your motives, you are clearly entertaining the idea of offering her a more personal relationship.  Doing this will cause a problem, and when dealing with the bottom feeders of society, "problems" mean guns, knives, violence and death.  So choose your actions wisely.*


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## Drac (Aug 31, 2007)

jks9199 said:


> Real simple...
> 
> Keep your distance. She's a banger. He's a banger. They'll get their support from within the gang and will only draw you in if you try to get involved. (Especially since, given the facts as you present them, I wouldn't be at all surprised if her brother was a banger, and didn't die of natural causes.)
> 
> Gangs and people in them are enough to wear out experienced mental health professionals and cops. You lack the training, experience, and wisdom to do very much. If you want to express your sympathy or the like to her, go for it. But that's about all you can do.


 
jks beat me to it......You don't need that kind of drama in your life..You want to help and that's a wonderful thing, but like jks posted "She's a banger"...I've delt with street gangs for 20 years and the mere though of having to deal with them makes me crazy..I don't know how the juvenile officers do it..


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## bydand (Aug 31, 2007)

I'll second all the posts above.  As hard as it is to hear, your best bet would be to let this time pass and look at what you really want. At a future date when the focus will be on something else and less notice will be taken when you talk.  Right now you are asking for some very bad "Ju-ju."


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## BrandiJo (Aug 31, 2007)

I would have to side with everyone else, Stay safe and that pry will mean being very hands off. I would extend verbal sympathy "sorry for your loss if i can do anything to help let me know" type thing then wait it out  from a safe distance. Gangs are not something to mess with if her bf is nuts and not afraid to harm you then you should be very leary of doing anything that would get his attention and that means anything to do with "his girl" ​


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## MarkBarlow (Aug 31, 2007)

One of my grandmother's favorite quotes. "Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas."

Send positive thoughts and prayers her way but keep your distance.


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## meth18au (Aug 31, 2007)

kenpotex said:


> "Don't go to stupid places, Do stupid things, or hang out with stupid people."


 
I love that quote- so simply yet so true!!!  Much wisdom can be found in commonsense statements like this.





kenpotex said:


> simple as that.



Here,here!!!  Stay away buddy.  There's plenty of nice ladies out there that won't land you in ****.


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## MJS (Aug 31, 2007)

CuongNhuka said:


> Here's the skinny. First of all, I hate gangesters. They can burn in, well, they can burn. Second, a girl I kinda get along with just suffered a severe family trauma, her brother died. The problem is I constantly want to do what ever I can to make her feel better, but she is in a gang. That's not too bad really, but her boyfreind is also. And he's really jealous. So, if I even think about offering the symbolic 'shoulder to cry on', he'll get a bunch of his freinds to kill me.
> So, do I do my best to try to avoid her all together (so I don't do anything to get shanked/shot/stabbed/run over), or do I try my best to help her (and try to avoid her jealous, short tempered, violent lunatic boyfreind)?
> 
> The reason I post this here is I'm sure that somewere out there is someone who might have run into a similar situation, and I'm sure there will be more. I'm also sure that someone might be able to give me advice if he finds out, and tries to kill me.


 
I can only echo what the others have said.  IMHO, I'd avoid this situation.  Given the environment that she is putting herself in, if you get too involved with this girl, you could be bringing on more headaches than you need.  

If you want to express your sympathy for her loss, thats fine, but I'd avoid engaging in too much conversation with her, calling her, etc.  

Mike


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## Andy Moynihan (Aug 31, 2007)

Five Words:

"I'm Sorry For Your Loss".

*mimes zipping his mouth shut*


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## CuongNhuka (Aug 31, 2007)

Some of you seem to get the impression that either:
A, I have some kind of deeper, not returned, feelings for her. Or,
2, I'm going out of my way, and out of my nature.

Neither are true. I have no feelings for her, and she tends to get on my nerves. Just, not so much that I would consider her an enemy, or do nothing under normal circumstances. I'm also not going out of my way, since I have a class with her, and I'm on Raider team, and she is trying to join. I also tend to do my best to help people such situations. Infact, I tried to talk to a differnit freind about his brother who was recently killed as well. 

Also, I'm pretty sure that, while her brother was killed by a gangster/banger, he was not a gangster/banger himself.


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## Drac (Aug 31, 2007)

CuongNhuka said:


> Some of you seem to get the impression that either:
> A, I have some kind of deeper, not returned, feelings for her. Or,
> 2, I'm going out of my way, and out of my nature.


 
That's good to know



CuongNhuka said:


> Neither are true. I have no feelings for her, and she tends to get on my nerves. Just, not so much that I would consider her an enemy, or do nothing under normal circumstances. I'm also not going out of my way, since I have a class with her, and I'm on Raider team, and she is trying to join. I also tend to do my best to help people such situations


 
Like I said in an earlier post, giving a damn and wanting to help is a rare and wonderous thing




CuongNhuka said:


> Also, I'm pretty sure that, while her brother was killed by a gangster/banger, he was not a gangster/banger himself.


 
Unless you see the dead brothers police report and CCH ( Current Criminal History)  don't take *ANYONE's* word for granted...When bangers do drive by shootings do you think they are concerned with hitting non gang members?? ANYONE, ANYTHING not with them is against them..


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## still learning (Sep 1, 2007)

Hello, NO one wants problems especially like this girls's boyfriend.  Jealous in a person makes them go "NUTS".  Especially gang members who thinks only of violent ways to get back at someone.

Jealous means that person has a poor self-respect for themselves, very little care for anyone else, has no pride in themselves as a normal person and is very weak when it comes to really caring of someone.  They have NO trust in themselves too. (this people do not know what "LOVE" truely is!

So far everyone is giving you sound advice.  Do not create more problems for yourself.  Be nice and act dumb to her, and NOT let her tell you of her problems.

Just be nice and polite, and leave her problems to herself...she is looking for attention....don't give it to her?  or her boyfriend will be looking for you (just to talk right?).....

Avoidance is taught in all martial arts..........learning the meaning! 

Aloha ( from someone who is trying to AVOID fat food) ....fat food 8, avoidance 3 ....


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## DavidCC (Sep 4, 2007)

CuongNhuka said:


> Here's the skinny. First of all, I hate gangesters. They can burn in, well, they can burn. Second, a girl I kinda get along with just suffered a severe family trauma, her brother died. The problem is I constantly want to do what ever I can to make her feel better, but she is in a gang. That's not too bad really, but her boyfreind is also. And he's really jealous. So, if I even think about offering the symbolic 'shoulder to cry on', he'll get a bunch of his freinds to kill me.
> So, do I do my best to try to avoid her all together (so I don't do anything to get shanked/shot/stabbed/run over), or do I try my best to help her (and try to avoid her jealous, short tempered, violent lunatic boyfreind)?
> 
> The reason I post this here is I'm sure that somewere out there is someone who might have run into a similar situation, and I'm sure there will be more. I'm also sure that someone might be able to give me advice if he finds out, and tries to kill me.


 
you could tell her that her brother's death was a consequence of being involved with gangs and that the same thing will eventually happen to her... and tell her that she can't join the Raiders while she is in a gang.  Then you need to forget she exists, becasue she sounds like more trouble than a box full of scorpions and dumber than a bag of hammers.  Do the police liasons at your high school know about their gang membership? I would make sure they do.  there is no point at all in having anything to do with these people...


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## CuongNhuka (Sep 4, 2007)

DavidCC said:


> you could tell her that her brother's death was a consequence of being involved with gangs and that the same thing will eventually happen to her... and tell her that she can't join the Raiders while she is in a gang. Then you need to forget she exists, becasue she sounds like more trouble than a box full of scorpions and dumber than a bag of hammers. Do the police liasons at your high school know about their gang membership? I would make sure they do. there is no point at all in having anything to do with these people...


 
Again, pretty sure her brother wasn't in a gang. I'm in no position to tell her anything about Raider team (not commander). And our liason officer doesn't really do anything. I'm not even sure he's allowed to.


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## Cruentus (Sep 4, 2007)

CuongNhuka said:


> The problem is I constantly want to do what ever I can to make her feel better...


 
I may be opening up a major time consuming dialog here, but I'll take the risk...

Looking at your quote above, I have to ask: What is YOUR motive with this girl? What need are you either getting satisfied or looking to get satisfied by dealing with this girl at all?

I ask because I highly doubt you're going to do what everyone is suggesting here (which are good suggestions, btw), otherwise, I don't think you would have posted. Even if you did what was suggested in this instance, I think that you risk repeating a similar error of involving yourself with a different dysfunctional person down the line.

I think that what you are looking for, really, is a way to continue interaction with this girl, thus to attain or persue whatever needs you perceive you have, yet also obtain a viable solution to the problems her friends and boyfriend pose with that continued interaction.

Therefore, if we find out what needs you're either getting or looking to get met by interacting with this person, then we will find the real answer to your problem. So, it would behoove you to sincerely think about the above question, and realize that your first answer may not be the actual or right one.


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## CuongNhuka (Sep 7, 2007)

Cruentus said:


> What is YOUR motive with this girl?


 
Basicly, I'm too nice.


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## Cruentus (Sep 7, 2007)

CuongNhuka said:


> Basicly, I'm too nice.


 
Sorry dude, but that ain't gonna work.  

There is a deeper motive that you have for being "too nice" here. If you find out what need your fullfilling, you'll find the answer to your problem.

If you need a jump start... WHY are you being too nice?

C.


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## CuongNhuka (Sep 7, 2007)

Cruentus said:


> WHY are you being too nice?


 
My mom beat it into me, with the twin sticks of morals and manners.


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## Adept (Sep 7, 2007)

CuongNhuka said:


> My mom beat it into me, with the twin sticks of morals and manners.



Yes, but you're not being too nice to *everyone* now, are you? You aren't donating all your spare cash to Unicef, you aren't volunteering every spare moment at your local homeless shelter, and you aren't donating all your extra belongings to charity.

You are instead considering risking your life, simply to give this girl a shoulder to cry on.


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## Cruentus (Sep 8, 2007)

Adept said:


> Yes, but you're not being too nice to *everyone* now, are you? You aren't donating all your spare cash to Unicef, you aren't volunteering every spare moment at your local homeless shelter, and you aren't donating all your extra belongings to charity.
> 
> You are instead considering risking your life, simply to give this girl a shoulder to cry on.


 
Exactly, thank you Adept.

Your choosing to be "nice" to this particular person vs. donating the same time and energy to another person (who is not in a 'gang' posing a danger to you and who is not this particular 'girl') with a need, or another cause.

So... why?

You can give a cop-out answer here, or you can really be honest with yourself and give a real answer; just remember that your the one who posted looking for advice.


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## CuongNhuka (Sep 8, 2007)

Adept said:


> Yes, but you're not being too nice to *everyone* now, are you? You aren't donating all your spare cash to Unicef, you aren't volunteering every spare moment at your local homeless shelter, and you aren't donating all your extra belongings to charity.


 
Actualy I do, as much as possible.


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## CuongNhuka (Sep 8, 2007)

Cruentus said:


> Exactly, thank you Adept.
> 
> Your choosing to be "nice" to this particular person vs. donating the same time and energy to another person (who is not in a 'gang' posing a danger to you and who is not this particular 'girl') with a need, or another cause.
> 
> ...


 
Well, if you're thinking it's because she's cute (I'm geussing thats about what you're thinking), then yah she is cute. But, I have no feelings for her. Again, she gets on my nerves. I'm a little too much of a gentleman (my mom gets irritated with how well her 'gentleman training' worked).
I'm sorry, but I see this as a moral issue (save my you know what vs. working with my nature), if you don't then I'm sorry.


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## jks9199 (Sep 8, 2007)

CuongNhuka said:


> Well, if you're thinking it's because she's cute (I'm geussing thats about what you're thinking), then yah she is cute. But, I have no feelings for her. Again, she gets on my nerves. I'm a little too much of a gentleman (my mom gets irritated with how well her 'gentleman training' worked).
> I'm sorry, but I see this as a moral issue (save my you know what vs. working with my nature), if you don't then I'm sorry.


I'm going to suggest that you're not quite able to be honest and objective about this...

I know that I've got a few years on you, and maybe a little more wisdom and self-knowledge, and I'd have a hard time being objective in a situation like that.

I simply encourage you to consider the fact that almost nobody has told you it's a good idea to go out of your way to try to help this girl.  Express your condolences.  If she's interested in your Raider team, help her with that like you would anyone else.  If, and only if, she comes to seek you out, then you can be more supportive on this topic...  but I'd also encourage you to spend some time in introspection to see what's really motivating your feelings.

Oh... and I'd strongly suggest that, in coordination with your advisor, you make it a requirement for the Raider team that a person have no current gang affiliation.


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## Cruentus (Sep 9, 2007)

Cuong,

When a person confines himself to a pattern of thinking, it is very difficult to see outside that pattern to observe all available courses of action.

So in order to break that pattern and look towards more viable solutions to our problems, we sometimes have to ask ourselves some tough questions. And often, when we are caught in a dilemma where it seems that we have to choose between 2 or 3 choices with potentially bad consequences, it is because we aren't asking ourselves the RIGHT questions.

But, sometimes the right questions can be difficult because at best it requires a person to step outside of his comfort zone to look at other possabilities. This can be both difficult and frusterating because at the time that one is caught in a particular thinking pattern, THE ONLY SOLUTIONS that are apparent are THE ONES CONFINED TO THAT PATTERN, and anything else seems absurd. At its most extreme, the right questions may require one to really look inside himself, and answering the questions honestly will mean a REAL CHANGE to ones actual personality. Change is difficult. That is why difficult questions are often denyed, washed over, or met with extreme resistance. I, in fact, know that by me being the one to ask difficult questions, I open myself up to possible hostility! 

Now, you said:



CuongNhuka said:


> So, do I do my best to try to avoid her all together (so I don't do anything to get shanked/shot/stabbed/run over), or do I try my best to help her (and try to avoid her jealous, short tempered, violent lunatic boyfreind)?


 
The above statement demonstrates a particular pattern of thinking where there is 2 solutions to your problem; and each solution has potentially bad consequences, thus a dilemma. If you "help" her, you risk your safety; if avoid her, then you risk your emotional/psychological well being (knowing that you turned away from someone and why and the list of reasons to go with that). In this pattern, neither are good solutions.

However, outside of that pattern, there are other solutions. You just have to ask the right questions.

Why can't you simply tell her, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry about the loss of your brother, and if you ever need anything, someone to talk to, a friend, or whatever, then I want you to know that you can come to me for help." Then, you leave it at that. Your offering help. It is her choice to take it. It is also her choice to leave or stay with her disfunctional boyfriend, and it is also her choice to leave or stay in a gang. You see, she is not a helpless victim here; she has choices too. 

If she comes to you for "help," by choice, then you can figure out how to deal with the issue of her friends. If not, then there is no dilemma; you offered help, the ball is in her court, and you move on with your life. But you know, at least I would guess, that she ISN'T going to come to you for help. (Not your fault, dude, there are a multitude of reasons for this that have nothing to do with you)

This solution is a very easy one to come up with. You are a smart enough guy to have come up with this yourself; yet you either didn't, or you did but you for some reason discount this as a viable solution.

So, the question is "why?"

It is going to boil down to this: you have a desire (no matter how strong or weak) to directly involve yourself in this girls drama story, where the outcome for you is not likely to be a good one. If this desire is strong enough, you will repeat this pattern of behavior either with this girl or others down the line until you overcome this desire that you have.  

So, again, the difficult question we are left with is "What need are you either getting satisfied or looking to get satisfied by dealing with this girl at all?"

Asking the right questions and searching for the right answers will offer the real solutions to your problem here.

And as you can see, it has really nothing to do with being the "nice" "gentleman" that you are; there is a lot more to this. Furthermore, this doesn't specifically pertain to this girls attractiveness either (although I am sure this weighs in a lot more then your willing to admit, but if your willing to ignore that for now, then so will I  ).

C.

Edit: I just wanted to add one thing. I am only posting here to be helpful to you in a topic that is interesting too me. If you feel that I am not being helpful, or if I am frustrating or annoying you, then let me know. I will be happy to stop posting on the subject with no ill feelings, as I not only understand, but I certainly don't want to waste my time.


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## CuongNhuka (Sep 9, 2007)

Cruentus said:


> Edit: I just wanted to add one thing. I am only posting here to be helpful to you in a topic that is interesting too me. If you feel that I am not being helpful, or if I am frustrating or annoying you, then let me know. I will be happy to stop posting on the subject with no ill feelings, as I not only understand, but I certainly don't want to waste my time.


 
Your fine.


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