# MEMO TO DOG & CAT



## MA-Caver (Jan 10, 2005)

This  subject is  incomplete.   This email also includes a few notes
   for  those  of  us  who  are  not  animal  lovers.   Please note the
   instructions  for  the  pets  are  much longer than the ones for the
   non-lovers  of  pets.   You  can  make  your  choice.   It is a free
   country.
   To  all  of  you  who love your furry children.  Thought you'd enjoy
   this.

    TO: The Family Dog and Cat

    1.  When  I  say *move*, it means go someplace else. It does not                       mean switch  positions  with  each other so there are still two of you in
   the way.

    2.  The  dishes  on  the floor are yours and contain your food. All
   other  dishes  are mine and contain my food. (Please note: Placing a
   paw  print  in  the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on
   it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way).

    3.  The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
   Beating  me  to the bottom is not the object and tripping me doesn't
   help because I fall faster than you can run.

    4.  I  cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your
   inner  beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up
   in  a  ball,  so  it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
   other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

    5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

    6.  For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by
   some  miracle  I  beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
   won't  help  to  claw,  whine,  meow, bite the knob, or get your paw
   under  the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me on this one
   please.  I've  been  using  the  bathroom  for years . . . canine or
   feline attendance is not mandatory.)

   7.  When  you  see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a
   sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball
   on  my  crotch,  or  smack my nose to wake me up, no matter how much
   that makes the other family members laugh.

    8.  DOG:  Don't  think  for  a  minute  that  making a sad face and
   whimpering  pathetically  will  get you out of trouble when I find a
   puddle  of  pee on the carpet. The face and whimpering only validate
   that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

    9.  CAT:  My  sitting  down  to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a
   signal  for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most
   disgusting hairball in history.

    10.  DOG  AND  CAT:  The  proper  order  is  kiss  me, THEN go lick
   yourself.  I cannot stress this enough.

    To  pacify  you,  I  have posted the following message on our front
   door:

    RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

    1. They live here; you don't.

    2.  If  you  don't  want  their  hair on your clothes, stay off the
   furniture.

    3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

    4.  To  you,  it's  an animal; to me, it is an adopted child who is
   short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

    5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to
   train,  usually  come  when called, don't ask for money, never drive
   your  car,  don't  hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't
   worry  about  the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't
   need  a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you
   can sell the results.


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## BrandiJo (Jan 11, 2005)

thats great, i sent that to my mom after i read it haha


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## Simon Curran (Jan 11, 2005)

:roflmao: 

That is totally hilarious


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## someguy (Jan 11, 2005)

That made  me laugh.  So true.  So so true.


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## Seig (Jan 12, 2005)

Classic!


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## Aqua4ever (Jan 12, 2005)

lol If only I could read the first ones to my cats and have them understand  haha they made me smile 

Aqua


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## Zepp (Jan 12, 2005)

Brilliant!  That describes my family and our pets perfectly.   (I miss my puppies now that I don't live with them anymore.  )


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## KenpoTex (Jan 13, 2005)

> When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a
> sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball
> on my crotch, or smack my nose to wake me up, no matter how much
> that makes the other family members laugh.


 That one brings back memories...:lol:


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## MA-Caver (Jan 13, 2005)

kenpotex said:
			
		

> That one brings back memories...:lol:


Indeed one such puppy we gotten at six weeks old had acquired slowly a hankering to do just that... jump on us while we were asleep... My mother later learned what a novel and efficent way for us to get out of bed so we can go to school. This puppy was only about three or four months old at the time (still a puppy to us), but she would make that joyous leap right on top of us while we were still asleep in our beds. Invariably she would leap on the bed somewhere around the middle. Her paws would land... yep you guessed it. She would choose at random myself or my older brother. Thankfully she seemed to favor my older brother than me. 

Oh did I mention that she was a St.Bernard?  Wasn't so much as owch... more like ... *OOF! * :xtrmshock


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## someguy (Jan 13, 2005)

Don't forget when you nice and cofortable and almost asleep a cat rubbing there cold wet nose against your face.


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## BrandiJo (Jan 13, 2005)

my cat like to wait for you to go to sleep then with the lovely sandpapper tounge that all cats have lick your eyelids


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## Fightback2 (Jan 13, 2005)

LOL  Sounds a lot like my 2 labs.  They like to stand by the bed and breathe in my face til I wake up.  Doggie breath - Yuck!


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## KenpoTex (Jan 14, 2005)

MACaver said:
			
		

> Indeed one such puppy we gotten at six weeks old had acquired slowly a hankering to do just that... jump on us while we were asleep... My mother later learned what a novel and efficent way for us to get out of bed so we can go to school. This puppy was only about three or four months old at the time (still a puppy to us), but she would make that joyous leap right on top of us while we were still asleep in our beds. Invariably she would leap on the bed somewhere around the middle. Her paws would land... yep you guessed it. She would choose at random myself or my older brother. Thankfully she seemed to favor my older brother than me.
> 
> Oh did I mention that she was a St.Bernard?  Wasn't so much as owch... more like ... *OOF! * :xtrmshock


You could be describing my experience except my dog was a lab mix.


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## Simon Curran (Jan 14, 2005)

MACaver said:
			
		

> Indeed one such puppy we gotten at six weeks old had acquired slowly a hankering to do just that... jump on us while we were asleep... My mother later learned what a novel and efficent way for us to get out of bed so we can go to school. This puppy was only about three or four months old at the time (still a puppy to us), but she would make that joyous leap right on top of us while we were still asleep in our beds. Invariably she would leap on the bed somewhere around the middle. Her paws would land... yep you guessed it. She would choose at random myself or my older brother. Thankfully she seemed to favor my older brother than me.
> 
> Oh did I mention that she was a St.Bernard? Wasn't so much as owch... more like ... *OOF! *:xtrmshock


My mother-in-law's German Shepherd has the same kind of pin point random targetting, and can also do it to a vertical human...
Like you said OOF!


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## Seig (Jan 15, 2005)

Before Tess banished my puppy from the bedroom, if she needed to go out and we ignored her pleas, she would grab me by the hand and drag me out of bed.


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