# Just need to have a vent and let off a little steam about my problem



## Blade96 (Jan 26, 2011)

*I thought I'd post it in here cause i thought i'd get more responses.
* 
 			 			 		  		 		 			 			This time its about my bro and his gf

well ya its because of my niece who wasnt quite one at the time. One day  just before christmas 2010 they came up, him, her, and their daughter. I  pulled away from my niece when she came near me cause im not  comfortable around babies. Its not agaist them and my niece I let em  know right from the moment she was pregnant I wasnt a baby person and  not to take it personally.  well my bro took that as a great big insult  when I pulled away from her just before Christmas and said im no longer  welcome at their house and hes only coming up when im not there like  when im at shotokan or somethin. He also said when I was up to their  house, me, my parents and them, back in September, that I scurried  across the kitchen pulling away from the niece and i didnt wanna sit  next to her at the table, and stuff, well, I cant help it, seeing babies  eatin with food all over their mouth makes me sick, I cant help that!   But my parents said my bro is makin crap up, I did no such thing and I  was well behaved, and so I was.  My parents said they agreed that was  harsh and they werent going down over christmas with out me. my parents  got insulted and said well theyre not coming down if theyre im not  welcome and as a result they missed her first christmas and her first  birthday and its their very first grandkid you know its times they will  never have an opportunity to have again ever. they'll never forgive my  bro a
for that i dont blame them.

anyways he also said i was afraid i might hurt Holly he practically  called me a potential child abuser like wtf i never lay a fingernail on  kids never mind a hand what an insult!

So they're treating me like im a child abuser and hurting my - our  parents as well. so i wrote him back on fb and i said You owe every one  of us an apology and i said i dont even know why your on my fb list you  arent my friend and you arent being my bro
and i said im taking him off fb as far as im concerned i have no bro
so i just took him off fb just now

I KNOW this didnt happen just out of the blue its been festerin for  years, my parents had em up here all the time and treated em to nice  dinners and gave em tons of stuff and everything, they never had us down  in 3 years before we finally went down just once and that as they say,  was that. My bro and his gf always treated her family way better than  us. This was just the final nail in  da coffin so to speak. my expletive  bro will be lucky if I even speak to him again. I'm not a child abuser,  Im not a baby person but I do like children when they get about 4 or 5,  i get along really well with em, in fact I have to pry em off my butt,  lol, cause they're stuck to me like glue.

My parents, grandparents and some of aunts and uncles understand and say  Whats the matter with my bro? so i do have much support but I just  needed to vent. Its the little girl, my niece holly who'll be suffering  by denying her a relationship with her grandparents and me her aunt. I also told them I'm not a ***** - I just have a low BS tolerance. 

I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





little Bladey.


----------



## girlbug2 (Jan 26, 2011)

The problem with FB and the whole internet is that it's just too instantaneous. People don't take time to cool off and reflect before they react.

With something as important as family relationships at stake, I'd basically think long and hard about what I want your brother and his gf to know, then put it in a letter and mail it the old fashioned way. That way you aren't reacting off the cuff, and if they want to reply they can write back or pick up the phone. But, either way, they will also be taking more time to think than on FB. Also it's unlikely they've put your snail mail on "ignore" .

I wouldn't necessarily apologize unless you believe you are in the wrong, but you can state your case carefully once again and ask if they can just accept you the way you are so that family relationships can be restored. Perhaps stress the fact that you *do* want a relationship with your niece, just not physically close while she is at the infant stage. Maybe after all that, there can be peace.


----------



## Blade96 (Jan 26, 2011)

girlbug2 said:


> I wouldn't necessarily apologize unless you believe you are in the wrong, but you can state your case carefully once again and ask if they can just accept you the way you are so that family relationships can be restored. Perhaps stress the fact that you *do* want a relationship with your niece, just not physically close while she is at the infant stage. Maybe after all that, there can be peace.



well I made several attempts at a reconciliation. Several times. And way back when we first found out she was pregnant, and long before that he always had known I wasnt that fussy on infant stage. But I get along really good with older kids. He knew that. Always. I wanted him and his gf to know if i dont get that close to her as an infant it isnt personal. 

Made an attempt again tonight. Just asked is what i did really so bad you have to ban me from your house and my parents can come down and not me? That you can only visit when I'm not there? That you practically have to label me as potential harmful and call me practically a child abuser??? He said Obviously it is. and making up stuff like i was bad at his house too, but the truth of it was I wasnt. I wanted it to be a joy. and I thought we all had a good time. and that my parents if they never had a christmas a first birthday with my niece it was there fault. Well no it wasnt because they refused to go down without me. They dont believe in leaving me out cause what i done wasnt severe enough. i let him know i wanted them to come down. i do not want this. 

I got a slapp in the face each time i tried to reconcile. Thats when i wrote the fb message, through PM, because obviously i dont want every Joe Blow knowing about this. (well u guys do, but i didnt mention names or anything.)


----------



## Aiki Lee (Jan 26, 2011)

May I ask what it is about babies that make you feel so uncomfortable?


----------



## Blade96 (Jan 26, 2011)

Himura Kenshin said:


> May I ask what it is about babies that make you feel so uncomfortable?



I don't really know. Its not something that can be easily explainable - you know when you're not fussy about something but cant really explain what it is.....you just do.

Actually I dont understand why people love and fuss over babies so much. Cause to me they are boring, they dont do anything just eat and sleep and drool and east messily and use in their diapers. and they arent even that good looking to me. I honestly dont see why most find em 'cute' to me most look really weird. some more than others. Except my niece. I didnt think she looked weird. But i never thought cute or pretty either. I just thought not weird. But I cant ever remember myself thinking any baby is cute or pretty.

Its like I dont 'connect' to them. or feel anything for them. But I'd never hurt one. Ever.


----------



## billc (Jan 26, 2011)

Sorry about this Blade96, family problems like this are pretty horrible.  It always seems like no matter what you do you can't get things back on track.  For my little bit of advice, talk to your parents and let them know that they should take any chance they can get to see their grand daughter, even if it may mean your not going.  A little kid needs as much family around them, especially at an early age like that, it gives them confidence about the world.  Your brothers problem shouldn't keep them away even if he is being horrible to you.   

As for your brother, if it were me, I would go silent for quite a while.  Right now nothing is going to be accomplished by trying to fix it.  Whatever his problem is I don't think you will be able to fix it right at this time.  By going quiet, you at least let the dust settle.  This will possibly give you time to think of some ways through the problem, ask advice from friends and other family.  If you know any clergy, try them.  they deal with family issues as a professional responsibility, and you might be able to get some insight from them.  Try several different clergy if you can, try social workers if you can, they might have insight into what your brothers problem is.
  Also, as time goes by, sometimes feelings and stances by people can become softer and less rigid.  It won't be easy, and I understand how you feel.  As time passes though, memories fade, sometimes, and it may be easier to deal with his issues at a later date.  
Good luck with this Blade 96, I hope things change for the better soon.  Stay strong and be patient and this might work itself out.


----------



## Blade96 (Jan 26, 2011)

Thanks. If it does work itself out in the future, i'll be writing here.

If it doesnt.....i guess i'll be writing too.

But knowing both my bro and his dipswitch of a gf (who i never liked ever since he first started dating her) I wont hold my breath.


----------



## Aiki Lee (Jan 26, 2011)

A mediator between you and your brother may help explain your side of things. He was likely confused and insulted you didn't want to be around his baby. It comes from his own percepton from what he believes about the whole situation.


----------



## Blade96 (Jan 26, 2011)

maybe a mediator. maybe. 

I had them both prepared for that long ago though. that i might not be warm and cuddly because i simply dont 'connect' with babies and am not comfortable around them. Wasnt anything they didnt know about. and my bro knew me since i was born - hes older - so he always knew how i felt about babies.


----------



## mook jong man (Jan 26, 2011)

Here's my baby photo , my parents thought I was cute as a button.


----------



## granfire (Jan 27, 2011)

It has been festering for years?

Then I am inclined to think that your 'actions' are just a welcome excuse.

First of all, you are not alone, I have heard from many women who are just not into babies. Shocking, I know, but yes, it is not rare (nor a disease).
All three of my husband's sisters go googoo over a baby and I am with you on the eating part. 

(and baby's first Christmas is frankly a bit overrated as well, even if they are close to one year in age. It becomes much more fun when you can get them cool toys - and they end up more amused with the box it came in) 

I think your brother needs to remove the hurtful comments from his FB (it seems that place is the bane of mankind...I only use it to play farmville, and have not done much of that since December) 

I am a bit unclear though, was your relationship with your brother good before he started dating his GF? I mean, I have seen how a spouse drove a wedge between her husband and his family, things went from bad to worse in a hurry. 

It seems it's much more than you not going gaga over baby. 

big hugs to you, family sucks some times.


----------



## Empty Hands (Jan 27, 2011)

What granfire said.  The kid is a good excuse.  Since you say you never liked the girlfriend, I'm guessing that's it - she doesn't want you around, and pretending you are a danger to their kid sounds a lot better than "I just don't like her!".


----------



## Jade Tigress (Jan 27, 2011)

Blade96 said:


> I  pulled away from my niece when she came near me cause im not  comfortable around babies. Its not agaist them and my niece I let em  know right from the moment she was pregnant I wasnt a baby person and  not to take it personally.  well my bro took that as a great big insult  when I pulled away from her just before Christmas and said im no longer  welcome at their house and hes only coming up when im not there like  when im at shotokan or somethin.



A child is an extension of it's parents. To reject the baby feels like rejection to them. Not everyone is "into" babies. That's fine. You don't have to go gaga over them thinking they're the cutest things on earth. But I do think the physical withdrawal (pulling away) would be offensive to any parent from any person, and more so coming from a family member. 

Whether you "like" babies or not, I think it's better off handled a bit better. I'm not crazy over babies, I've raised my own, but other people's babies....not lovin em. So, I smile, say "aw, what a cute baby" and leave it at that. I don't ask to hold the baby, etc. 

Now, if I were to pull back with my friends baby, like "ewwww....get your baby away from me until that thing stops ******** it's diaper and I can play with it" I would fully expect a "**** you, get out of my house." or "**** you, we're leaving". And if someone did that to me when my children were infants, especially my own sister, I would feel the same way.

I'm sorry Blade, I get the fact that you have a aversion to babies, it's not uncommon, not everyone loves them. But as an adult, and as a family member, I think you need to tone down your aversion. Letting them know you're uncomfortable around babies and not doting over the baby is reasonable. 

In your situation, the reaction stirred up a whole can of worms that, IMO, is just not worth it. Whether or not you like your brothers GF is also beside the point. Your brother loves her, and she obviously makes him happy. You don't have to like her or her baby, but out of love and respect for your brother, you should try to tolerate them. Not pretend to love them, just tolerate. 

I do believe your brother is wrong in not accepting your attempts at reconciliation. Especially since he's aware you are not a "baby person" and you told him it's not personal. Unfortunately, he is taking it personally. Would you be able to change your reaction if he did visit with baby? If so, he needs to let it go. If not, he may have a point in deciding not to visit with the baby in your presence. I also believe to indicate that you would hurt the child is wrong, sounds like he's lashing out trying to hurt you because he felt hurt. 

Now that I'm done rambling, family issues definitely suck. I hope you two can find a way to put your feelings of offense aside, be aware of each others sensitivities, and move forward.


----------



## Bruno@MT (Jan 27, 2011)

Jade Tigress said:


> Now, if I were to pull back with my friends baby, like "ewwww....get your baby away from me until that thing stops ******** it's diaper and I can play with it" I would fully expect a "**** you, get out of my house." or "**** you, we're leaving". And if someone did that to me when my children were infants, especially my own sister, I would feel the same way.
> 
> I'm sorry Blade, I get the fact that you have a aversion to babies, it's not uncommon, not everyone loves them. But as an adult, and as a family member, I think you need to tone down your aversion. Letting them know you're uncomfortable around babies and not doting over the baby is reasonable.



+1.

Anyone reacting like that would mean they leave my house there and then. Or if it happened if we were visiting someone else, it would be the sign to say 'honey, we're leaving now'.
It is ok to not like kids. Really. But there is no need to rub it in and act revolted at the sight of them.



Jade Tigress said:


> In your situation, the reaction stirred up a whole can of worms that, IMO, is just not worth it. Whether or not you like your brothers GF is also beside the point. Your brother loves her, and she obviously makes him happy. You don't have to like her or her baby, but out of love and respect for your brother, you should try to tolerate them. Not pretend to love them, just tolerate.



My thoughts exactly.



Jade Tigress said:


> I do believe your brother is wrong in not accepting your attempts at reconciliation. Especially since he's aware you are not a "baby person" and you told him it's not personal. Unfortunately, he is taking it personally. Would you be able to change your reaction if he did visit with baby? If so, he needs to let it go. If not, he may have a point in deciding not to visit with the baby in your presence. I also believe to indicate that you would hurt the child is wrong, sounds like he's lashing out trying to hurt you because he felt hurt.
> 
> Now that I'm done rambling, family issues definitely suck. I hope you two can find a way to put your feelings of offense aside, be aware of each others sensitivities, and move forward.



Well, it didn't help that she is demanding apologies. Imho, he would deserve an apology as well for acting the way she did. If you don't like kids that is fine. However the rejection of the kid is an automatic rejection of the parent. Words don't begin to describe how deep this feeling goes. Even if she doesn't feel it like that, she should trust us on this one.


----------



## Bruno@MT (Jan 27, 2011)

Also a minor addition to my previous post: if you act like you do now, when they;re this age, then it is unlikely that you'll see much of them when they get to the age group you think is fun. First of all the parents will not trust you with them after 3 years of you saying 'eehhhwww'. And second, the kids will have never known you other than the aunt who didn't like them and thought they were gross.


----------



## CoryKS (Jan 27, 2011)

Jade Tigress said:


> A child is an extension of it's parents. To reject the baby feels like rejection to them. Not everyone is "into" babies. That's fine. You don't have to go gaga over them thinking they're the cutest things on earth. But I do think the physical withdrawal (pulling away) would be offensive to any parent from any person, and more so coming from a family member.
> 
> Whether you "like" babies or not, I think it's better off handled a bit better. I'm not crazy over babies, I've raised my own, but other people's babies....not lovin em. So, I smile, say "aw, what a cute baby" and leave it at that. I don't ask to hold the baby, etc.


 
This, so much.

You're not a baby person, hell, I'm not a _people_ person.  The worst thing I can think of is for someone I don't know to put their hands on me.  How do I handle it?  I cringe inside, smile on the outside, and I handle it like a ****ing _grown-up_.  Jeezus, I'm offended _for_ your brother and I've never even met him.


----------



## Flea (Jan 27, 2011)

My sympathies.  Family drama can suck like no other drama.

I think it is important to keep a poker face as much as realistically possible though in order to keep the peace. It's a matter of striking a balance of being true to yourself and your own needs while being part of the family community.   That said, I disagree with Billichak's suggestion about time apart.  If you can limit that time it can be a great thing.  But for really big rifts the silence can go on and on, and get deeper entrenched, until it becomes an estrangement.  Estrangements are virtually impossible to come back from.  They can also have a ripple effect on those around you if people decide to take sides ...  If you think you _can_ limit that time apart, and you think _he_ can, then by all means give it a try.  But it is definitely taking a risk.

There's also the question of your niece's well-being to consider.  If she's old enough to be ambulatory she's probably old enough to pick up on that flinch and the rejection behind it.  Which is not good for her mental health.

From your brothers' side I wonder if the baby issue represents something in his mind that's way bigger than just the baby herself.  We all have really deep emotional nerves that feed directly to the soul, and we usually don't even consciously realize them.  This may be one of those nerves for him and it might not be connected with the baby at all.  Who knows.

Just a few thoughts in no particular order.  ;-)  Whatever you decide to do I wish you and your family the very best.

Incidentally, I totally understand not being a kid person for all the reasons you stated and more.  My threshold is the age of 10 or so.


----------



## Flea (Jan 27, 2011)

.


----------



## LuckyKBoxer (Jan 27, 2011)

Ya I have to agree with Jade Tigress on this one.
I have noticed a trend in your posts Blade, you seem to constantly be blaming other people for your problems and actions. This is the second post you made that just comes across as you blaiming everyone but yourself for a problem that seems obvious to me from your post that you created.
to pull back from a family member in a manner you described seems really odd to me, and I would not have you in my kids presence again either. A parents job is to protect their children, not give their sisters second chances to create a possible problem with their kids.
your an adult, i assume but you come across as very juvenile...it seems you live at home with your parents and they take care of you?, your brother is an adult.. he has a kid to protect and raise, if you dont like kids then say goodbye to your brother, because I dont know any parent that is going to chose their sister over their own son or daughter. 
It sounds to me that you act very childish and expect everyone to cater to you.
I think you will find much less drama in your life if you accept your actions as your own, and deal with them as such. I know it sounds harsh, but it really comes across that way to me reading your posts about your problems..
anyways, I hope you can resolve your problems, move past them, and not have to relive them again.
good luck


----------



## Steve (Jan 27, 2011)

I have no idea what's happening objectively in your life, Blade.  I'd be very curious to hear your brother's side. 

Sounds to me like you have a choice to make.  Do you want to be a part of your brother's life?  If so, remember, he chose his wife.  He didn't choose you.  In any conflict, ultimately he has to sleep with her.  Not you.  If you want to be a part of his life, you're probably going to need to make amends.  

Regarding the baby, as a father, I can tell you that if you were my sister and didn't like my baby, I wouldn't invite you over very often.  Not out of malice, but just because I don't need the stress and drama, and neither does my family.  But you can still send small gifts at appropriate times.  The baby's very young now, but a $25 gift card for Target or Gymboree is always welcome.  I'm not saying you should bribe them.  I'm saying that when you give them gifts, remember the baby.  She's part of their family (and yours).  It will show you care.


----------



## Blade96 (Jan 27, 2011)

mook jong man said:


> Here's my baby photo , my parents thought I was cute as a button.



LOL

I already said i was sorry. many times. Im just not comfortable around any babies even if she is my niece. I have a neighbor - my mom's friend - who doesnt like cats and moves away from my cat Princess. My mom and me arent gonna say ban her from our house because she pulled away. Its nuts. Same with babies.  My behavior was weird, and I apologized, even some of my aunts and uncles and cousins and my grandmother parents agreed that my bro and his gf's reaction isnt right either. Thats why theyre not going sdown, they said they arent going and leaving me out. I have never been a baby person. never. My bro and gf knew that. There was no reason to call me a threat or something. Its terrible.

Luckyboxer, if I told you the whole story you would understand why i never liked the gf and my parents never did really like her that much either. You'd understand im not spoiled and childish and expect to be catered to. She never really liked neither me or my parents right from the beginning. I know you can only write just from what u read here, but you'd understand if i had told the whole full story. 

And you're right. The baby is just the excuse. There have been many incidences. they even called my mom - my niece's grandmother - basically a threat to her. And my mom loves babies!  If she thought my mom was a threat, and she cant get enough of her, then what am I? Jeez.

I was involved with my niece from the beginning, in my own way. I bought her first toys. I named her, gave her a middle name that my bro and his gf liked and agreed with. For Christmas present i gave them a ornament that said babys first christmas 2010.  I was involved in my own way. I went to see her the day she was born.


----------



## Flea (Jan 27, 2011)

Blade96 said:


> Luckyboxer, if I told you the whole story you would understand w



Exactly.  Family relationships are intense and complicated, because they are a lifetime in the making.  I'm sure there is a lot of subtext that isn't making it into the conversation.  Nobody is perfect, and I'm sure Blade has some blind spots going into this interaction as well.  But it's a little shallow for any of us to pass judgement.


----------



## CoryKS (Jan 27, 2011)

Flea said:


> Exactly. Family relationships are intense and complicated, because they are a lifetime in the making. I'm sure there is a lot of subtext that isn't making it into the conversation. Nobody is perfect, and I'm sure Blade has some blind spots going into this interaction as well. But it's a little shallow for any of us to pass judgement.


 
No, it isn't.  She posted it in the Study "to get more responses", and we can pass judgement as we see it.  The story as presented reflects poorly on her, and it's a ******** cop-out to follow up with "oh, there's a whole lot of back story that I can't tell you, but if you heard it you would really, really understand."

Blade, I'll tell you as a father why I would consider you a danger to my child.  Not because I think you would put a finger on him, but because I think you _wouldn't_.  Babies and small children get into things.  Sometimes, they get into dangerous things.  If my son reached for, oh, say, an electrical outlet, I wouldn't trust you to have enough empathy to stop him.  Again, this is based only on what you're willing to tell us.


----------



## Bruno@MT (Jan 27, 2011)

Blade96 said:


> LOL
> 
> I already said i was sorry. many times. Im just not comfortable around any babies even if she is my niece. I have a neighbor - my mom's friend - who doesnt like cats and moves away from my cat Princess. My mom and me arent gonna say ban her from our house because she pulled away. Its nuts. Same with babies.



Ehrm...

Don't take this the wrong way, but the fact that you can even think that it is the same thing shows that you truly don't understand this. I mean this objectively. What you fel for your cat cannot begin to approach what they feel for their baby and how it affects them. It's like comparing a matchstick to a supernova.

I know you cannot understand this, but please at least accept it on a rational level. Any reaction to the baby is like a direct reaction to them. Noone is telling you to like the kid. But unless you learn to tolerate them and don't show a reaction, you will simply never make amends with your brother. And I honestly can't blame him for that, regardless of anything else that is going on.


----------



## Bruno@MT (Jan 27, 2011)

CoryKS said:


> Blade, I'll tell you as a father why I would consider you a danger to my child.  Not because I think you would put a finger on him, but because I think you _wouldn't_.  Babies and small children get into things.  Sometimes, they get into dangerous things.  If my son reached for, oh, say, an electrical outlet, I wouldn't trust you to have enough empathy to stop him.  Again, this is based only on what you're willing to tell us.



Forget about that. Even the normal everyday stuff would be a disaster.
Changing a diaper?
When they have a fever and their tummy is misbehaving?
Of they are sick and vomit all over you?
Or they are scared or sad and need actual comforting?
Or they are teething and you're up all night trying to soothe them?
Or they are potty training and a small accident happens?

There are a million examples I could give where a child needs care and affection despite the ickiness of vomit, poo, mucus, rashes, etc, and I would not trust her to get over the mental barrier to actually give both at times like that.


----------



## granfire (Jan 27, 2011)

CoryKS said:


> No, it isn't.  She posted it in the Study "to get more responses", and we can pass judgement as we see it.  The story as presented reflects poorly on her, and it's a ******** cop-out to follow up with "oh, there's a whole lot of back story that I can't tell you, but if you heard it you would really, really understand."
> 
> Blade, I'll tell you as a father why I would consider you a danger to my child.  Not because I think you would put a finger on him, but because I think you _wouldn't_.  Babies and small children get into things.  Sometimes, they get into dangerous things.  If my son reached for, oh, say, an electrical outlet, I wouldn't trust you to have enough empathy to stop him.  Again, this is based only on what you're willing to tell us.





Bruno@MT said:


> Forget about that. Even the normal everyday stuff would be a disaster.
> Changing a diaper?
> When they have a fever and their tummy is misbehaving?
> Of they are sick and vomit all over you?
> ...



This is absurd. Seriously.
Because somebody does not care for babies does not mean they are a total dork in times of need. Aside from the fact that you - as a parent- would be a complete idiot to leave a child in the care of somebody like that.

I find it rather disturbing when people, _parents _think jsut because thy adore little poopsie that everybody else has to as well.
I don't mind kids and _I_ don't want to sit next to a toddler at the dinner table. I am not Martha Steward but I don't like the mess they make either. 
It's not fair to jump on Blade in the manner. 

being not in the know it's of course difficult to assess the situation but it seems that there is a lot cooking that's not too obvious.


----------



## LuckyKBoxer (Jan 27, 2011)

granfire said:


> This is absurd. Seriously.
> Because somebody does not care for babies does not mean they are a total dork in times of need. Aside from the fact that you - as a parent- would be a complete idiot to leave a child in the care of somebody like that.
> 
> I find it rather disturbing when people, _parents _think jsut because thy adore little poopsie that everybody else has to as well.
> ...


 
thats seems to be all that is happening, the parents are refusing to put the baby in Blades presence... sounds like good parenting based on her reaction.
and being a parent i dont expect anyone to like anything about my kids, but I will make sure that those that go out of their way to show any displeasure are not in my kids presence. Being parents we are doing our job by considering the worst possible scenario, especially when there are warning signs. Its not our job to consider the best possible scenario in Blades position. We are parents we are going to side with other parents for protection of kids. Dont like it? Dont be around kids and it wont be a problem.


----------



## Empty Hands (Jan 27, 2011)

Seriously, what is more immature: having an irrational nervousness/fear around babies, or exploding at someone that does and taking their reaction as a personal judgment?

By way of comparison, my Uncle Dave also had an irrational nervousness around babies.  He didn't want to get too close, and he didn't want to touch them.  Did my family stop inviting him around?  Call him a danger?  Refuse to speak to him for months?

No. They accepted his particular personality, and dealt with it like adults.  They kept the toddlers away from him, and everyone still shared family events without strife (at least due to that).  He interacted with us more and more as we grew up, and nothing bad came of it.

So who was more adult in their reactions, my family or Blade's brother?

One of the hallmarks of adulthood is accepting that which is, dealing with it with grace, and not taking personally that which is not personal.  Otherwise, what would have been more adult, my uncle's entire family refusing to speak to him?

Oh, and there is no objectivity here.  Parental bonds are emotional things fueled by intense levels of the hormone oxytocin.  That doesn't make parents wrong or bad, but it doesn't mean that their reactions concerning their children are automatically perfect expressions of rational judgment either.


----------



## granfire (Jan 27, 2011)

LuckyKBoxer said:


> thats seems to be all that is happening, the parents are refusing to put the baby in Blades presence... sounds like good parenting based on her reaction.
> and being a parent i dont expect anyone to like anything about my kids, but I will make sure that those that go out of their way to show any displeasure are not in my kids presence. Being parents we are doing our job by considering the worst possible scenario, especially when there are warning signs. Its not our job to consider the best possible scenario in Blades position. We are parents we are going to side with other parents for protection of kids. Dont like it? Dont be around kids and it wont be a problem.




Yes, but you don't read the rest of it. I have seen spouses wedge themselves between their partner and the family. Ugly mess. I just think it's a setup: Bro knows sis doesn't do the baby thing, Parents won't exclude her, killing 2 birds with one stone: non of the pesky family for dinner.
Obviously Blade cares enough about the person this baby is going to be to invest herself. 

But to equate that not liking the baby stage to being a danger to the child is silly.


----------



## Blade96 (Jan 27, 2011)

CoryKS said:


> No, it isn't.  She posted it in the Study "to get more responses", and we can pass judgement as we see it. .



Sure. I asked for responses and people can post them. Luckyboxer posted a response, as he sees it, about depression for instance. I didnt like it, but if i were childish or any less mature i could have told him to pound sand. I didnt. Its only what he thinks, so I told him he can suit himself. 

My parents had a long chat with my bro and gf tonight. There was a lot of talking, some yelling, some expletives going on. He made it clear he thought me and mom was basically threatening to his child. He blamed two of us for it. My Mom is a baby person and cant get enough of her grandchild.  And My bro was never this bad before he got in contact with this woman. Granfire is right. Itis a wedge between family members. and my bro is drinking the koolaid. Now I know control when I see it, and this is one of the darkest kinds. My own relationship with my ex was bad, and he also attempted to drive a wedge between me and my parents, between me and my friends. I was smart enough to avoid the koolaid. My bro is not. 

There is not much can be done unfortunately. I dont really know. I got out of a bad relationship by myself.  I tried to patch things up with my own bro. I dont know what else to do.

btw Cory and Bruno are right of course. Which is why whenever I took sitting jobs it was always with older kids. Never babies. I dont have the patience for them wouldnt be good with them. I would never have been taking care of my niece by myself while still at the baby stage.  I know i wouldnt be able to therefore I dont do it. and its also why I decided to not have babies of my own. I have problems and issues, and wouldnt want to wind up like the mum who was playing farmville and couldnt deal with her crying baby.


----------



## Jade Tigress (Jan 27, 2011)

granfire said:


> This is absurd. Seriously.
> Because somebody does not care for babies does not mean they are a total dork in times of need.



Blade said she pulled away from the child. Sounds like what someone with a fear of spiders or something might do. As if being completely repulsed by the presence of the baby. This is a highly offensive gesture for the parents of an infant. Blade was honest with her brother, and with us, about her aversion toward infants. She can't help it. Nothing wrong with her feelings.

 As an adult, Blade needs to control her feelings of dislike for young children *if* she wants to maintain a relationship with the child's parents. If her feelings are such that she absolutely cannot control flinching, then she has to accept the fact that she won't see the baby or the parents and leave it at that. 

I *do not* think she would harm or neglect a child. I *do not* think Blade is a bad person because she is not fond of infants. Any hesitation in overcoming her squeamishness could be time not afforded in case of an accident, so she may not be the best person to look after a baby, and she wouldn't want to be responsible for that anyway. I believe she would be up front in saying so if asked to babysit for anyone. 

To me it appears that her brother's accusations stem from being offended, hurt, and angered by her reaction to his child rather than a true fear of her hurting his child. Not saying that makes it right. I can understand his offense and declaration of not attending family functions she will be present at, I don't think he should be characterizing her as a potential abuser. He is trying to offend her as much as he felt offended, and apparently he is succeeding. 

Time for some adults to grow up...


----------



## Blade96 (Jan 27, 2011)

Empty Hands said:


> By way of comparison, my Uncle Dave also had an irrational nervousness around babies.  He didn't want to get too close, and he didn't want to touch them.  Did my family stop inviting him around?  Call him a danger?  Refuse to speak to him for months?
> 
> No. They accepted his particular personality, and dealt with it like adults.  They kept the toddlers away from him, and everyone still shared family events without strife (at least due to that).  He interacted with us more and more as we grew up, and nothing bad came of it.



Thats how my entire extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) and how my mother's friends who had babies dealt with it all my life. and as the babies grew up, it was just as you said. I interacted with them more and more, even 'sat' for them when they got older. They often listened to me better than their own parents lol! We became friendly, and now we are all grownups and we get along great!

The only one who is different is my bro and his gf.


----------



## Steve (Jan 27, 2011)

There is way too much stuff we don't know about what's going on.

I'll say, in general, I don't like drama. So, if you're coming over to my house, don't bring conflict or drama. If you don't like my kids or my dogs, you won't enjoy yourself around here. It's not that I don't want to hang out with you. I have a 15 year old who's a moose, a 13 year old and a toddler.  I also have about 400 lbs of slobbery dog, and I let them on the couch.  I understand that this isn't for everyone.  It's not that you're unwelcome.  I just don't have any interest in accomodating you in my own home. 

If you invite me to your place and don't like my kids, I'll either politely decline or I will leave the kids at home. It's not a big deal. 

What's ridiculous is to even begin to believe we have the entire story here. We don't.


----------



## granfire (Jan 27, 2011)

stevebjj said:


> There is way too much stuff we don't know about what's going on.
> 
> I'll say, in general, I don't like drama. So, if you're coming over to my house, don't bring conflict or drama. If you don't like my kids or my dogs, you won't enjoy yourself around here. It's not that I don't want to hang out with you. I have a 15 year old who's a moose, a 13 year old and a toddler.  I also have about 400 lbs of slobbery dog, and I let them on the couch.  I understand that this isn't for everyone.  It's not that you're unwelcome.  I just don't have any interest in accomodating you in my own home.
> 
> ...




I think 400 pound dogs were called ponies....


I think it's impossible to fit a family history into a couple of paragraphs.


----------



## Steve (Jan 27, 2011)

granfire said:


> I think 400 pound dogs were called ponies....
> 
> 
> I think it's impossible to fit a family history into a couple of paragraphs.


 Agreed, and just to be clear, it's 3 dogs totalling about 400 lbs!   Bunch of big breed mutts.


----------



## Blade96 (Jan 27, 2011)

can i assume that where you live is a zoo then


----------



## granfire (Jan 27, 2011)

Blade96 said:


> can i assume that where you live is a zoo then


He sounds like he has a nice zoo tho...


----------



## seasoned (Jan 28, 2011)

As adults I do feel that a certain degree of tolerance is important to be functional. 
I would liken it to going to someones house for dinner, and not knowing what is on the menu. When that first mouthful is tried, eyes are watching. At that point a relationship can progress or decline. I am in no way trying to simplify this particular situation, but this is a very important facet of life. If we allow true feeling to surface at particular times in our lives, this could cause very adverse problems, as stated. I feel strongly that we all need to monitor ourselves daily, and look within. None of us are born perfect, but with some work and self awareness the best of life is ours. Life, as with martial arts, needs practice, and the name of the game is to get better with age..........  Ever morning is a new beginning in life, look at it this way, and things can only get better.


----------



## seasoned (Jan 28, 2011)

stevebjj said:


> Agreed, and just to be clear, it's 3 dogs totalling about 400 lbs!  Bunch of big breed mutts.


Glad you clarified, Steve. In this case 3 is better then 1. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



 My wife and I have 2 dogs that are part of our family, our babies if you will.


----------



## Archangel M (Jan 28, 2011)

Im gonna be blunt (unusual huh?). 

It looks like theres enough dysfunction to go around for the whole family here.

Blade..you have been pretty open with talking about your "issues" of various sorts here. It's obvious that your family has various "issues" as well. Now we all have "issues" to various extents, but my professional experience has shown me that sometimes the more severe ones are inherited and passed along through families. I seriously suggest counseling.


----------



## Blade96 (Jan 28, 2011)

You're right, my whole family has had issues.


----------



## Tez3 (Jan 28, 2011)

I'm rather concerned however that discussing it here could make things worse, I've noticed a few times when Googling something that a MT thread will pop up relevant or pertaining to that which I was looking up. It's still in the public domain, not unlike Facebook etc it can be read by anyone, I'm betting it won't be difficult for Blade's family to find here and read that they all have 'issues', that may not be a pleasant surprise.
I do realise that people post up their opinions, problems etc but I think sometimes that for problems of a very personal nature this may not be the best place to post them?


----------



## Flea (Jan 28, 2011)

I agree Tez.  That, and I think MT has content-sharing agreements with some other sites.  Am I correct Bob?


----------



## Carol (Jan 28, 2011)

stevebjj said:


> Agreed, and just to be clear, it's 3 dogs totalling about 400 lbs!   Bunch of big breed mutts.



Attsalotta dog(s)!  And I bet at least one of them is convinced they are a lap dog


----------

