Whats my problem and how do i deal with it?

[dmdfromhamilton]

Lately situations in my life tend to gravitate towards physical violence but i don't know why. I will try to keep my history short. In grade 5 i had left all my friends for a new school and i wasn't very liked there one kid had been picking on me alot and i smashed him into a wall i was givin a suspensionand the teacher called me a disgrace.In grade seven i went into a mad rage because of a kid who had been picking on me and encouraging others to do so since grade 5 and yelled die die while trying to punch him out(no martial ats training at the time)i was given an in school suspension while the bully who i had complained about numerous times before wasn't punished at all.In grade 8 i tried to pick a fight with another person who had been bullying me cause i had started karate and felt i could shut him up physicaly. Now this year has been the most violent ever i have had serveral situations which almost turned into fights. First was a random person in the hall just walking up to me and going whats your problem and kicking me in the shins I tripped him into a class room where he landed square on a desk and decided that was enough for the day. Then while playing footbell on the field at lunch unsupervized one of the players jumped me then got up. i rolled over and he was threatning to punch me. i rolled between his leg came up the other sideand got into a gaurd stance he had turned around and threatened to beat me to a pulp and i backed down. A similar thing occured later with a different person.

This brings me to today.today i was made fun of by tonnes of ppl for no reason and given a perticularly nasty rattail in the changroom.LAter at lunch serveral people tried to steal my lunch. one of them in the process grabbed my wrist which i responded to by breaking my wrist free and backfisting him in the temple. he fell to the ground got back up and then the ppl backed off(taking some of my lunch with them).

Can somebody please answer a few questions.

1) why am i being so violent and what can i do to stop it
2)did i respond today in an appropriate way
3)the school is supposed to be no tolerance in Canada so why are the bulies allowed to get away with so much?

 

[shesulsa]

I wish I could tell you why you are being violent now. I think you are smart to come out and ask people about this. There are a lot of unknowns for everyone else who's reading your post - your age, your domestic situation, your history besides what you've provided us.

Self-observation is crucial to your growth and preventing yourself from acting out further. When I read your post, I felt sad and angry for you. I would like to know if you have talked with your parents about what's going on? or a school counselor?

If you don't know what you're doing to invite this violence and bullying onto yourself (and you might not be), it is very, very important to ask people you trust and who know you, who are around you on a daily basis, and open up your mind to what they have to say.

I'm going to tell you something that might freak you out, but hear me out on this. If you don't get the feedback you need from your friends, family or other trusted persons, you might need to get a professional to help you out with this. The benefit of this is that this person has no emotional investment in you and, therefore, expects nothing of you. So he has little to gain emotionally whether you succeed or not. So the pressure's off. And he doesn't have to rat you out to your parents or schools if you go on your own (without the school getting involved).

I know talking to your folks might seem like the very LAST thing you wanna do. But their job is to be there for you.

Please write back and tell us how you're doing.

 

[Touch Of Death]

You are quite obviously dealing with reputation issues compounded with whatever problems you may have brought to the table. I suggest you seek counceling of course and perhaps you can change schools, but you will bring the trouble with you if you don't get a hold on your self esteem issues. I don't know you well enough to tell you what is causing the cycle you are describing but it is resulting in a victim mentality that is its own hell because your whole existance hinges on the opinion of others and I don't think it will be easy to break the cycle. Talk to someone about changing your reaction to the school environment because changing the school environment might happen when your kids are in school but teachers can't dictate to hundreds of kids how to feel about a given kid.
Sean

 

[MA-Caver]

Lately situations in my life tend to gravitate towards physical violence but i don't know why. I will try to keep my history short. In grade 5 i had left all my friends for a new school and i wasn't very liked there one kid had been picking on me alot and i smashed him into a wall i was givin a suspensionand the teacher called me a disgrace.In grade seven i went into a mad rage because of a kid who had been picking on me and encouraging others to do so since grade 5 and yelled die die while trying to punch him out(no martial ats training at the time)i was given an in school suspension while the bully who i had complained about numerous times before wasn't punished at all.In grade 8 i tried to pick a fight with another person who had been bullying me cause i had started karate and felt i could shut him up physicaly. Now this year has been the most violent ever i have had serveral situations which almost turned into fights. First was a random person in the hall just walking up to me and going whats your problem and kicking me in the shins I tripped him into a class room where he landed square on a desk and decided that was enough for the day. Then while playing footbell on the field at lunch unsupervized one of the players jumped me then got up. i rolled over and he was threatning to punch me. i rolled between his leg came up the other sideand got into a gaurd stance he had turned around and threatened to beat me to a pulp and i backed down. A similar thing occured later with a different person.

This brings me to today.today i was made fun of by tonnes of ppl for no reason and given a perticularly nasty rattail in the changroom.LAter at lunch serveral people tried to steal my lunch. one of them in the process grabbed my wrist which i responded to by breaking my wrist free and backfisting him in the temple. he fell to the ground got back up and then the ppl backed off(taking some of my lunch with them).

Can somebody please answer a few questions.

1) why am i being so violent and what can i do to stop it
2)did i respond today in an appropriate way
3)the school is supposed to be no tolerance in Canada so why are the bulies allowed to get away with so much?

Who are you and what are you doing in my past? Reading your post brought back memories (cue music) of times in school where there were weeks of at least someone touching me in a manner I didn't like (fight, tripping, punching, rabbit punching, slap on back of the head, shoulder slammed into the hall lockers, tackled from behind in the school yard, kickball/basketball/football thrown stragetically upside my head) dude, you name it. Did I realiate, bet your **** I did... then as I got older and wiser (began MA training) my realiation got less and less... okay...physical retaliation got less and less...(also had a big brudder who simply was THE school's azs-kicking champion) but my mouth... oh geez my mouth.
Like Richie Tozer from "IT" I was; open mouth (and they) insert fist, foot whatever. And teasing, omg did people tease me. For a while humiliation was my middle name. Not no more.
You don't say how old you are right now. But it seems that you got a while to go.
How you deal with fights, physical confrontations then compared to now will help define your character. The more you find ways to productively using your mouth to get you OUT of fights and ways to get you to defuse the situation before it even gets to the point of no return... ya might have to put up with the crap for a while.
Learn your MA of choice, learn it well. Know when to use it where you're not going to get in trouble with the skool.
You stood up for yourself and people will (SHOULD) respect that. Now the trick is to show them that they can't mess with you without getting hurt.
I had a heart to heart with my principal one time and he understood that I didn't want to get into it as often as it seemed I did. So he trusted me that I was defending myself whenever I couldn't get out of it.
Dunno what else to tell ya. Choose your battles and choose them wisely. Anyone who thinks less of you and acts that way ... blow 'em off, not worth it... never was for me. They kept coming back for more... So I didn't entertain them anymore.
Eventually I broke all my buttons. (Got new ones now but they're sticky... very sticky).

 

[masherdong]

I dont know what to say but that you are a magnet for bad stuff to happen. All I can say is try to keep your nose clean and remember to only defend yourself only if you need to.

 

[Adept]

I agree with MACaver. I think you are reacting as naturally as any young male would. Being in what, year nine? Makes you 15 or 16? I don't think you need counselling. And I feel your reactions are (mostly) appropriate.

For one thing, fighting in school is not like fighting on the street, where it's a life and death assault situation. It's more like fighting in prison (though not as brutal) in that the winner gains prestige, and the loser becomes more of a victim. This is why backing down and attempting to avoid a fight invariably leads to further attacks in the future. It's not like the street where you avoid the mugger or drunken yob and then go home never to see them again. These people will view you as weak and defenseless if you never fight back, and their taunting and assault will become worse.

Talk to your Principal, as MACaver suggested, and outline the situation. Explain how it is not your desire to continue getting into fights. At the same time, if they start a fight with you, retaliate hard. Never start it, but sure as hell finish it. Hopefully, this should keep the rest of them off your back. And if not, you've not really lost anything.

Best of luck with it, whichever you choose.

 

[rmcrobertson]

I absolutely agree with the post by "shesulsa," and I also want to recommend in the strongest terms that you try to talk to your folks, that you make it to the dojo a lot and train, that you consider talking to somebody neutral like a counselor or a good teacher about what's going on. It doesn't sound as though dropping one or two of the guys who are trying to bully you is going to help--it might even be that the other kids are afraid of you, and they're trying to show off that they're not.

Unfortunately, there won't be any easy way to handle this--and some of the time, you will do EXACTLY the right thing and still feel bad about it.

 

[47MartialMan]

1) why am i being so violent and what can i do to stop it
Youthful exuberance with attitude. The mindset is not to take ridicule as physical offense. Peer pressure is so tough to deal with...welcome to the age old thing of it all. (I have received so many detentions, suspensions and expulsions, to the point that my parents either had to put me in a boys' home, or drive a couple of hours, use a relative's address, just to enroll me in another "school system". Then they had enrolled me a karate class...a whole story....)

2)did i respond today in an appropriate way
Why ask a question to a answer you know. Of course-I do this often my self (the asking a question-knowing the answer.) It is your way to stimulate responses and read.

3)the school is supposed to be no tolerance in Canada so why are the bulies allowed to get away with so much?
Have you tried asking the principle or other school authorities? But, woe if such bullies find out-you will be in far worse trouble. Your other peers, even likable acquaintences, would not like a snitch. This whole thing is on your desire not to be put down and the desire of bullies to intimidate. I had always liked avoidance. Since you can't take them out of the equation, remove yourself. Look man, I had gotten in so many fights and drop my GPA, that in order to "pass" high school, my last semester was spent in the library. Not out of fear of fighting, but out of fear of failing.

 

[clapping_tiger]

I also agree with MACaver. I was picked on a lot when I was younger. At one point in 4th grade I got beat so bad and so often, I was pulled into the cafeteria kitchen by the principal and teacher and had to take my shirt off. My teacher noticed all the bruising in class and they thought my parents beat me. I had to tell them I got pushed down and stomped on my several kids on the playground. My parents pulled me from the school and I moved on to another school and it was the same old thing. I was the picked on kid until 10th grade when I finally snapped and fought back. I very publicly beat the snot out of the kid who was pushing me around, shocking not only myself because I discovered that I can punch real hard, but also shocked the others watching. There were only 3 other times I had to defend myself in high school. So I say, do what you gotta do to protect yourself. Just don't go too far, and keep in control. Also don't make the mistake I did, by going from the bullied, to the other side and start picking fights like I did. That can get you into a lot of trouble. Normally I wouldn't advise someone to fight just to save face, but like said above, schoolyard fights are not really life and death situations, but sometimes if you show your not going to take it, and if they keep pushing you they will get hurt. For some of those meatheads that is the only thing they will respond to. Also try to follow MACaver's advise and talk to the principal or counselor about what is going on. That way if you do have to fight, they will already be aware of the situation that lead up to whatever happens.


Edit:
I forgot to try to answer your questions. These are only my opinions from my own experiences.
1) why am i being so violent and what can i do to stop it. I think you are probaly frustrated with getting picked on. It hurts and it is embarrasing, these feelings can bring out rage and anger. If you keep them bottled up you will explode and maybe do something you will regret later.

2)did i respond today in an appropriate way. If the bullying stops then yes. If it keeps up you have to turn it up a notch. Let them KNOW you will not be pushed around anymore. their abuse will keep getting worse the more you let them. A week of suspension is better than years of torment.

3)the school is supposed to be no tolerance in Canada so why are the bulies allowed to get away with so much? Don't know, but it seems it has always worked that way. Sort of weird isn't it.


But you said several times in your post that they are picking on you for no reason. Now don't take offense to this, but there is always a reason. It may not be a good reason but there is something. Be it how you dress, how you look, your weight, maybe you are smarter than they are. Most of the time the case is that their self esteem is so low (even if they are the "popular" kids) they try to find people who have lower self esteem then them and make them their outlet so they feel better about themselves. You don't have to change for anybody, but if you know the reason, you can come up with a response to whatever they say to, or about you.

 

[mj-hi-yah]

Moving to a new town in the 5th grade was obviously a difficult transition for you. New kids are often challenged in the ways you describe. This has had a cumulative effect on you and I believe that you are fed up and frustrated by it all. You are probably feeling alone in this, but you are not. I agree with Shesulsa that you should tell your parents and other school officials each and every time something like this happens to you. If you are feeling out of control by it you should share that burden. There is help available. Talking about your feelings will help you to deal with them. Sometimes we also need to develop ways to cope. You may need to work on finding a personal coping mechanism that works for you. For instance, for younger kids we work on learning to deep breath and count until their feelings of violence/anger pass, and this has proven to be very helpful. Channeling those feelings into the dojo is an excellent way at your age to positively deal with anger. It feels great to punch a pad or spar with a friend and it's all good.

Not knowing you it is difficult to tell, but do you walk through the halls of your school with your head down or daydream a lot? You may appear to others to be an easy target. Bullies pick on people they can dominate so they feel powerful and in control. I agree with Clapping Tiger it is usually people with esteem issues themselves who start this type of negative behavior. Stand tall, make eye contact, and let others see that you are not to be messed with. Try to avoid situations where there might be a group of "bullies". If you can't avoid them, then always have your eyes open so you can anticipate possible problems before they happen.

I believe that you have a right to defend yourself, but try using your smarts first. Enlist the help of parents/teachers/counselors/friends and other students in your school. Did you report this incident today? School officials can not help you if they are not aware of what is happening. You always have choices. You are training in MAs and that is excellent. Also, talk to your instructor and explain your situation and ask if you can do some scenario/awareness training in your MA school. Ask your MA teacher to work with you on breaking holds, finger locks and other joint manipulations, this way if you are being attacked you can defend yourself enough to escape without being blamed for reacting too violently in return. The pain of say a finger lock will give them the message not to mess with you, and it is much less violent than beating on someone.

The fact that you are talking to us here shows me what a smart kid you are.:asian: It's great that you are seeking advice here. I hope you will now turn to those people who are around you who are there to help. Please let us know how you are doing.

MJ

 

[oldnewbie]

1) why am i being so violent and what can i do to stop it
2)did i respond today in an appropriate way
3)the school is supposed to be no tolerance in Canada so why are the bulies allowed to get away with so much?

The answer to the first question ..I think.. is easy. You are a teenager, with ranging hormones...( I have two right now)

You will tend to respond with a larger response than necessary.

How to stop it? That's the real question here.. You need to realise that you CAN be in control of your rage. When the next events arrives, and it will, try to take an emotional step back. Try to let the situation diffuse. It that's not possible, then do what is ONLY necessary to defend yourself. That way, your response will be appropriate to the situation.

As to why the bullies skate by?.. I've asked myself the same question...